I was married to a Psychopath and lived to tell about it

Taken March 2009

I wandered around a small pond on a beautiful sunny afternoon. I should be soaking up the beauty that Spring day in May of 2007. Instead, I was walking back to my car after crying buckets. I was feeling sorry for myself and add in a dash of guilt for leaving my then 15-year marriage. 

I ran away from my husband, going to the nearest shelter. Now there were questions ran through my head, was I being irrational? 

Maybe I imagined things were wrong in my relationship or it wasn't as bad as I thought. Perhaps the Ladies at the women's shelter didn't know what they were talking about (Yes, I really pondered that one). I questioned every memory, the fights, the promises that he would change, and where do I go from here?

About that time my cell chirped, I about jumped to the sky. My nerves were shot, every little sound and person that came near me scared me. I wasn't expecting calls nor did I want to talk to anyone.

I looked at the caller id and saw that it was from the hospital where "he" was. He had been admitted the day before for observation for attempting suicide after I hadn't returned home. 

Despite my best judgment, I answered. 

The voice on the other line was female. She introduced herself as one of the doctors evaluating "him" and wanted to reach out to provide me with an update of current findings that she found particular. 

She went on to describe the many DSM-IV (Diagnostic and

See Difference between Sociopath and Psychopath

Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 4th edition). He fit in the category for Depression, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, and more. 

My mind was spinning. I had no words. I was not sure how to feel. When she asked if I was still on the line, I stuttered that I was but was digesting all of this news. With that, she asked if I was okay and advised she had even more concerns. I nodded as if she could see me. She went on to ask if I knew who Ted Bundy was. Biography- Ted Bundy

I didn't understand. I asked said yes but what does that have to do with anything. I was puzzled and caught off guard by her question and saying of course. 

Her next comment floored me and threw me for a loop. "Melinda, this is between me and you but his obsession and fixation with you are not healthy. You need to stay away from him. What also causes my concern is his Psychopath tendencies. I compare him to Ted Bundy. He is charming, smart, and seems friendly."

My throat felt tight. I couldn't say anything. My mind was reeling! I forgot to breathe. She was going on and on but her voice became fuzzy. I couldn't comprehend more. It seemed unbelievable the news frightened me while at the same time I felt relieved. It wasn't in my head! I was experiencing situations that were due to him. 

Did I stay gone? No! I went back. I was won by pleading from his Mom. She said that he was sick and needed help to get better she had promises of change now that he was prescribed medication. Two months later I left for a second time after he moved in a sister wife. You heard me right! And I do not blame his Mom at all, she believed his promises too. 

I know you're shaking your head. That situation was also crazy and weird. As quickly as it happened she left. I realized my mistake of coming back that second time and began planning to leave for good. Believe or not I had hit rock bottom. I was suicidal with a twisted thought I wouldn't survive another year if I stayed. I was torn do I take my own life or do I just let him?

I left for good in February of 2009. 

I am ashamed to admit for well over two decades I was raped, suffered other sexual, verbal, emotional/mental, financial, and physical abuse. I allowed myself to not only be treated in such a way but to continue to stay on. Believe it or not, I felt sorry for my abuser! I believed him when I was told I would be ruined if I ever left him. That I would only be good for something if I was on my knees and I would never make it without him. 

During the time I stayed with him I was threatened to have my life, the lives of my children and loved ones taken. This threat followed after I left. I was physically stalked and cyberstalked. I was the target of a "Hit". 

Stories he generated to new friends and anyone that would listen painted me out to be the abuser. Even turning away my eldest Son against me. He went on to say I made up stories that he molested our eldest Daughter after she shared this heartbreaking information with me many years later. He told others that I was loose and possibly on drugs.

Yes, I stayed and believed his promises. I made choices that I thought would help our relationship. I made choices that I thought would help me break free without guilt. 

Should I have listened to my guts early on and just left? Yes. Should I have left sooner? Yes. Would I have saved myself decades of sadness? Yes. Is there still shame? Yes. Are there regrets? You betcha! 

What is done is done. I can't take back any of my own actions or how I handled situations. But, when I left that last time I saved my Daughters lives by leaving. I took back my life, dignity, and respect. 

This is a bit of my story. Can you relate? Now don't compare your story to mine. Just because you didn't experience the range of abuse that I had, don't think that maybe your situation isn't "that bad". Love Bug, abuse is abuse no matter how you try to make excuses for it. 

Dear One if any of this resonant with you and you want to talk privately, please message me here or on my Facebook page- Hope when there was none.

If you are in an emergency situation contact the police! Don't hesitate or wait until it is too late!

Here are some other great organizations that can help you-
Safe Horizon
National Domestic Violence

Visit my page Hope when there was none page for tips and inspiration. Find my 10-year Survivalversary video here-10-years out

I do have a closed support group on Facebook is for women of any age who are victims/Survivors of Abuse for healing and self-care.  Please message me privately here or on the Hope when there was none page to join. 

Please stay safe! Know you are not alone and that you are not to blame!



BIG HUGS!
Mel

P.S.- Can you help me by sharing this and commenting? My goal is to reach anyone that is not sure if they want to leave. I would really appreciate it!

*Find my books, "Call me Master" and "Rising from the Ashes" here- Amazon and visit my Facebook Author page for upcoming book releases, events or to book a speaking engagement here-Author page

So he was normal when you met him?!

 OK, the question of the past year and months is, "Was he like this before you married him?" or "If he was like this why did you marry him?"

It starts subtly. Yes, I was young. I just turned 16 years old. Remember that age? You know it all? You have the world at your feet and feel invincible?

You brush off the warning signs, the bells that go off in your head. You chalk every one's comments to not understanding how you feel about him/her.

My family and friends saw it and I did too in small ways, but I just blew it off. Then when I really started to worry it was too late. At least that's how I saw it.

I believed him.

If you have stayed with me and read many of my posts, I apologize for sounding like a broken record.
He threatened to take the life of my sisters and parents. After a time he threatened to commit suicide. I stayed. Oh, he would be better! It was like a winding road, from one mile to the next mile, each turn twisting and then straightening out. Going around the bend and then starting all over again. Our weeks and months were like that. Soon it just becomes normal.

I stopped questioning the relationship between us. Kids came into the picture. I longed for the type of relationship I had seen in some new found friendships I had forged through my MOMS Club that I started when my second daughter was bit old.

I envied those. In my head I saw them all happy, normal and together lovingly.

I found out later many have they're own secrets and issues. No relationship is perfect. Everyone has some skeleton in the closet they hide from others. From binging on food, to sexual issues to addictions or abuse. No one is perfect or immune to difficulties.

I stayed because I really wanted it to work. Many in my family had broken marriages or relationships so I wanted to be the one that really stayed through thick and thin.

I couldn't do it. I felt as though I was losing my mind. I had built up both a fake facade for the public and for home. Only to drop my shield when I was alone with the kids or by myself. I cried and cried. I longed for stability. I cried to God because I questioned if this was how the rest of my life was to be?

Married to a sex addict,closet bisexual, abusive, food addict, shop-a-holic, labeled by a doctor with Borderline personality disorder, Intermittent Explosive disorder, Psychotic, depressed, anxieties, Anti-social disorder, Narcissistic and control freak? Yes that was him.

I wanted normal in and out of the bedroom. I wanted normal in and out of the house. I wanted normal for the kids. I wanted them to be kids and not have to hide or run when Dad came home. I wanted to be loved for me and not made into some trophy wife.

There came a time where I was driven to thoughts of suicide myself. At the urging of my STBX of course. I thought I was going insane. I thought I was the reason for the breakdown of us. I thought if I would be a "Good girl" and not "Cause him to get angry" it would be OK. I would try my darnedest to watch everything I said and did. Walking not beside him but behind him. A submissive wife. Yielding to his every whim and desire. Taking away my dignity and self respect in the process, until I felt as though I was just a shell.

Those close to me could tell immediately the change when he was around me. I went to smiling to bleak and mousy. Looking down all the time. Someone said it looked as though I was in a panic for no reason at all.

Of course there is no real normal, but a happy place where things can be very satisfying and brings joy, not fear. Love and not hatred. Happy and not longing for another life.

Update on the seemingly never ending divorce

Well! Our newest GAL has declined, our last GAL that we never talked to declined because she knows Terry. Understandble! The new GAL is having a baby soon and she did not believe she can devote as much attention as she could because of her condition. So she is declining.

I'm at a loss of words for this situation, but I know there are many divorces that take time. I'm so impatient! I want it to end! I dislike seeing STBX writing words of love and tenderness. As well as his now infamous signing of "Your loving husband" in his notes. Or "Melinda my love" as his email addy states.

I have repeatedly told him we are over but he continues to live in the realm of fantasy, where I am coming back to him. Of course this is once I get my head out of my ass and come to my senses. He is willing to forgive me as well as taking the baby as his own. The man is sick! He then will write or say how stupid I am or some other mean, hateful words to further try to get his point across that he is a changed man. Ah! But this is the Gaslighter, Narcissis, Psychopath, Borderline personality disorder, Intermittent Explosive disorder, Abuser or whatever you want to call him.

My Order of Protection is up at the end of August. Call me paranoid or just worried but I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I'm not thrilled by the idea that someday the girls will have no supervision with visits.

I wish I could find help on the divorce. But lack of money and once Atty's find out about crazy man, I get no thank you's. SIGH!

I look back at old posts are realize we have all come so far! I wish my son would have stayed. I believe that his seizures and other health issues are because of  the anxiety of living with that man. He gets the brunt of his Dad with no one to help him stay safe. I can't say for sure but that is my feeling. I do wish for a time when we can all reacquaint and come to be a Son and Mother relationship again. I know that is sometime down the road but I hold out hope and faith for that time.