A little about me

Saturday, August 20, 2011

So he was normal when you met him?!

 OK, the question of the past year and months is, "Was he like this before you married him?" or "If he was like this why did you marry him?"

It starts subtly. Yes, I was young. I just turned 16 years old. Remember that age? You know it all? You have the world at your feet and feel invincible?

You brush off the warning signs, the bells that go off in your head. You chalk every one's comments to not understanding how you feel about him/her.

My family and friends saw it and I did too in small ways, but I just blew it off. Then when I really started to worry it was too late. At least that's how I saw it.

I believed him.

If you have stayed with me and read many of my posts, I apologize for sounding like a broken record.
He threatened to take the life of my sisters and parents. After a time he threatened to commit suicide. I stayed. Oh, he would be better! It was like a winding road, from one mile to the next mile, each turn twisting and then straightening out. Going around the bend and then starting all over again. Our weeks and months were like that. Soon it just becomes normal.

I stopped questioning the relationship between us. Kids came into the picture. I longed for the type of relationship I had seen in some new found friendships I had forged through my MOMS Club that I started when my second daughter was bit old.

I envied those. In my head I saw them all happy, normal and together lovingly.

I found out later many have they're own secrets and issues. No relationship is perfect. Everyone has some skeleton in the closet they hide from others. From binging on food, to sexual issues to addictions or abuse. No one is perfect or immune to difficulties.

I stayed because I really wanted it to work. Many in my family had broken marriages or relationships so I wanted to be the one that really stayed through thick and thin.

I couldn't do it. I felt as though I was losing my mind. I had built up both a fake facade for the public and for home. Only to drop my shield when I was alone with the kids or by myself. I cried and cried. I longed for stability. I cried to God because I questioned if this was how the rest of my life was to be?

Married to a sex addict,closet bisexual, abusive, food addict, shop-a-holic, labeled by a doctor with Borderline personality disorder, Intermittent Explosive disorder, Psychotic, depressed, anxieties, Anti-social disorder, Narcissistic and control freak? Yes that was him.

I wanted normal in and out of the bedroom. I wanted normal in and out of the house. I wanted normal for the kids. I wanted them to be kids and not have to hide or run when Dad came home. I wanted to be loved for me and not made into some trophy wife.

There came a time where I was driven to thoughts of suicide myself. At the urging of my STBX of course. I thought I was going insane. I thought I was the reason for the breakdown of us. I thought if I would be a "Good girl" and not "Cause him to get angry" it would be OK. I would try my darnedest to watch everything I said and did. Walking not beside him but behind him. A submissive wife. Yielding to his every whim and desire. Taking away my dignity and self respect in the process, until I felt as though I was just a shell.

Those close to me could tell immediately the change when he was around me. I went to smiling to bleak and mousy. Looking down all the time. Someone said it looked as though I was in a panic for no reason at all.

Of course there is no real normal, but a happy place where things can be very satisfying and brings joy, not fear. Love and not hatred. Happy and not longing for another life.


3 comments:

  1. It's beautiful to see your younger picture. I remember her and I still want to hug her! As for my story, I'm so thankful you are writing what I can't put into words. You are such a gift.

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  2. Thank you so much for your blog. I read it late at night when I'm worried about my daughter and grandson. I pray for SOMETHING to wake her up out of her fantasy that keeps her hoping he will change! I'm so happy for your new life. I pray my daughter will eventually have your strength!

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  3. Dear Anonymous,
    Please keep the faith. Encourage her but don't belittle the abuser. In some cases a victim may turn around and sympathize with the abuser. Stay strong and lift up her spirits. Provide information and let her take lead. Keep your shoulder free and arms ready to give a hug! Prayers for you and your family!

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