A little about me

Monday, June 27, 2016

Drama Queen

WELL! My post set off some fire I'm afraid.

SO not my intention! It never is! If you have been with me through this crazy blog experience you have read that I enjoy my nucleus of NON DRAMA.

What has gotten my granny panties in a bunch... maybe not a bunch. I had to chuckle for a change with this exchange. I received a message from my ex's wife! She had asked  demanded I take mention of her off my blog or she would talk to her attorney.

I did take sometime to formulate a rebuttal and honestly I thought of quite a few snappy ones but decided against them. Despite telling Terry I wasn't going to answer and just blow off the email, I later reconsidered and sent back a short one.

You see, in the beginning of my blog, my ex raised the same threats so I covered myself by asking my attorney what the ramifications if I blogged about my ex or mentioned his name. I was told that ask long as I was speaking the truth, not mentioning last names or other personal stuff that this would be okay and also there is that wonderful FREEDOM OF SPEECH! This Dear Blog reader is why I still blog today!

We exchanged a few more emails. One return email stated that I didn't know her. I replied that I agreed, noting I heard we had a lot in common. If the circumstances were different we would be good friends. Her reply was that I need to keep her out of "MY DRAMA" and not to email her again.

HUH?! Scratching my head.

She emailed me originally!

She also does not know me. The only thing she knows is what my ex and my Son have told her.

I don't blame her. She is spoon fed what she thinks is the truth of the matter.

That my ex is a good man. That he deserves to see his children since he is paying his child support and up to date. That I am violating court papers for not allowing them to visit or sleep over.

Oh boy! We have had exchanged emails in the past and I didn't share them here before. And I'm not sure why.

I don't blame her.

Our court papers do not go into details about how abusive my ex was.

Or how he threatened our GAL and court appointed Counselors.

Our court papers do not go into how my ex threatened to kill us.

Or that he would find me and get even with me for leaving him someday when I least expect it. I believe he will have someone hired again to harm me/us or continue to use our Son to do so.

Our divorce was over before I found about about my Daughter being molested by this monster my ex and you can bet I would have brought that before the police if I knew sooner about the incidents.

I respect her wishes and will not email her. No problem here!

I hope that he never makes her feel so small that she wishes she could vanish when he is in a "mood".

I hope she never gets a spanking from him.

I hope she never is intimidated in front of friends and family.

I hope she never gets into the situation where she is told if she leaves he will kill her and her loved ones (or himself).

I hope she is never isolated from her friends and family.

I hope she never has to cover up bruises with makeup or long clothing.

I hope she never has to hear that she "provoked" his outbursts

I hope she never has to worry about him coming home in a bad mood.

I hope she never has to endure silence for hours or days if she was to "blame" for something going wrong in his day or at some outing.

I hope she will never have to go through several hours of grilling because some man or woman you briefly chatted with because you are thinking of "having an affair" with them.

I hope she doesn't have to check in with him 3 or more times every hour.

I hope she can come home late and not have to worry that he is thinking she is screwing around.

I hope she doesn't have to worry about how she dresses.

I pray she never has to worry that she will die in her sleep by the hand of her new husband.

I pray that she is right about him changing to be this great guy. In the 20+ years that we were together he never changed. I thought maybe I wasn't strong enough or that it was me.


He is a Narcissist. Slap the "Great Guy" label on him and I can show you 5 people that will show you otherwise.

I will never meet his new wife. Why? He has too much to lose. The lies he has wove will unravel and fall broken around his ears.

I don't have to slander my ex. I don't have to tell a bunch of lies. Nor do I want to. I can't forget about my past or let it go. I blog not to create drama but to let others they are not alone.They don't have to be stuck in an abusive relationship.

I share my story as a reminder that I could be your Sister, Mother, Daughter, Aunt, Grandmother, or Friend.

Most importantly I share my story to heal my Spirit!

If you know someone that is an abusive situation please share my blog! Help can be a phone call away. If you can visit http://www.thehotline.org for information on how to help or how you can get help!

Dearest Blog reader you are not alone! I am cheering for you! You can email me at blessmeplz@gmail.com, put "Hope" in the subject line! And bear with me I don't always get to my mail right away. You can also view my page on FB as Humbled Hearts where I share info on a variety of other topics that are not just abuse related.

Stay strong! God bless and big hugs! Oh and where's my dang crown?


Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Sick of being sick!

It's been awhile since I have posted. Several things going on with me, physically. I also think I need to take more of a drastic direction of my blog than just sharing my past. I have tried to incorporate what's going on in my life here and there that is not related to my abuser in order to shine a ray of sunshine on what can be a dark subject.

As I shared before I wish for normalcy. Like a child craving a sweet at the checkout counter of a store. I crave stability. I crave happiness in everyday life and simple things. I crave unconditional love.

I am blessed to receive all of these things now and count my life at this time surreal from my past. Which brings me to why I have been MIA for a bit.

Now thinking back I can see patterns of physical issues but I was so consumed with fear and panic that I didn't put things together. And of course I wasn't able to really worry about how I felt at that time. I know sounds weird, but when I was with my ex husband, anytime that took away from my abuser was a no-no! He believed that any sickness or injuries were my fault or made up.

(I have no idea why my blog is acting wonky with the fonts. I apologize in advance!)

Enough about him! Flash forward to present.

So over the past year I noticed an increase in aches and pains. I attributed alot of it to getting older (I'll be 45 this month) or maybe it is my high stress job as a Customer Service agent for a nationwide trash company. It is not uncommon for workers, myself included, to cry sometime during the work hours from a disgruntled customer unhappy with billing, trash pick up, or why the sun is not out.

These issues started to worry me as I noticed my feet started to feel tingly and felt numb. I blew it off to the fact I was sitting all day. And I was so exhausted, even after sleeping, also my sleep was off. I was maybe getting 4 hours of sleep a night if I was lucky. Of course I would fall asleep on the couch at 7 pm! I felt old! Despite my working out, P90, TurboJam, TurboFire, Brazilian Butt lifting 5 times a week (Not all at the same time) I was gaining weight! 15 pounds in a month at one point and time. I was watching what I ate somewhat. I admit I was stress eating mostly at work and eating snacks and desserts after 8 pm, after my nap.

Slowly that  annoying tingly-numb feeling crept up my legs. The next month my arms and hands had the same feeling. I was really getting worried. But I did continue to brush it off as how I was sitting at my desk. My back was killing me more than normal. Which again I blew off. I invested in a Office ball chair, of which I loved bouncing on! I figure I could perhaps get rid of the weird feeling in my arms and legs this way.

During this time I was having more Anxiety attacks, muscle twitches and my speech was becoming impaired. I felt like I was losing it. I cried to Terry that maybe I was getting Parkinson's or Alzheimer's! I was forgetting things, my headaches that plagued me for years were getting so intense I had to leave work.

I had Vertigo on and off for 10+ years that would come on if I was tired or under great stress. It would go away after a few days to a week. Suddenly in July no matter what I did I couldn't get it to leave. It no longer was limited to when I was just tired. I was having intense spells that happened when I when I was sitting, driving and just walking.

I broke down and scheduled an appointment to a Chiropractor. A month later, I was still experiencing issues and they worsened!

The Chiropractor advised that I had the signs of Fibromyalgia and possibly MS. Hearing this I needed to jump into going to a medical doctor in August. I left work early at work in a panic. I felt anxiety but something else. I felt hot, I was so dizzy and felt faint! I shared with my co-workers that something wasn't right. I had Terry pick me up from work and we drove to Urgent Aid. I didn't know what was wrong but something was just not right.
I was evaluated and sent away to be treated as a inner ear infection. I was unhappy with the diagnosis and told I should go to the ER if symptoms persist. 2 days later I went to the ER. I was once again evaluated and told about a probability of an inner ear infection and sent on my way.

Feeling puzzled and somewhat annoyed I was able to get to doctors. At the appointment I rattled on about 30+ other things I have noticed over the past few weeks. He scheduled MRI's, blood work, sleep studies, stress tests and more. He wanted to get a baseline since he never saw me before. I left my appointment upset. During the waiting period for my tests I took it upon myself to read and devour articles and websites on anything that sounded like my symptoms. I came up with a few things to ask the doctor about at our next visit.

Upon the next visit I was informed I was borderline Hashimoto and further tests needed. MS, Lyme Disease and Lupus was ruled out. YEA! I still had no answers. I ask if he performed the Western Blot and all Thyroid levels. He said he did blood tests and I was fine. HUMPH!  I had shared I had PTSD at our first visit this time the Doctor suggested that perhaps I was "Creating my symptoms". He may have to refer me to a psychoanalyst if nothing is found.

We left the appointment frustrated. 

I was tearful and upset. 

I know it's not in my head!

A friend of mine recommended I change my diet- No Dairy, Whites, or Gluten. She had experienced similar issues a year before. She provided some other great pearls of wisdom and I felt like I finally was not losing my mind. I also met someone else that advised of a place I could get a blood test for Lyme disease since we live in a location where this is prevalent. So I did! I should get the results back in a month, at this present time I should be hearing from them soon with the results.

Since I started this journey I have been depressed and annoyed that I haven't had an real answers. I found my blood results with a Hashi group I joined and bounced them off a kindred spirit. I wish she lived closer! She gave me a pep talk and pointed me in the right direction to ask my doctor about my test results. I had an appointment on Tuesday and before I went I prayed for God to intercede with my visit and  I ended up seeing the Dr's Associate! He was informative, attentive and listened to my concerns.

He verified it looks like I have Hashimoto's, also Celiac's Disease and he believes I have Adrenal Fatigue!

WHOA! I had to thank the Lord for this blessing.

I requested further testing on my Thyroid, brain and vitamins. He sent us to Vyto's Pharmacy (A Compound Pharmacy. In my opinion it's too bad we don't have more of these anymore!) for a Cortisol test.Everyone was informative! it so happens the Pharmacist suffered from Thyroid issues, so she was able to provide a lot of information.

So armed with new vitamins to try, my saliva test and a positive visit I feel better that something positive will come out of this!

I have been off work this whole time but my FMLA is up this week so next week I head back to work. Terry is betting I make it 3 days. I figure I will try to see how far I can go without losing my mind or physically breakdown. So say a prayer for me!

How could this all come to a head? For many years I have had a great deal of stress in my life which sent my Adrenals to work overtime. As the years went by of burning the midnight oil and chaotic situations my body has decided it's fried. I felt I needed to share.

Many Victims and Survivors of abuse have various ailments that are worse or hidden. Abuse can do a real number to a person. The effects can be felt years later after the abuse is over. In some, physical issues go away after leaving and maybe replaced with Adrenal Fatigue or Thyroid issues.

So Dear blog reader, I implore you to make sure you make a checklist for your health. Keep a journal of your whole body, mind and spirit. Get yourself checked and don't wait like I did!

Wherever your journey is taking you be safe!
God bless!

Sunday, June 19, 2016


Howdy! Seems like it's been ages since I blogged! I'm still here, just alot going on.

We moved into our "Forever" home! It's situated on to 3 acres, everyone has a bedroom and since our Clan is growing we need it! The house was in pretty rough shape and will be a work in progress for years to come. Sometime over the next few years we hope to have Sheep, Honeybees again and possibly Goats? Pipedreams right now. We still have Chickens and Ducks. They are not only great for food but quite entertaining.

Our 1st Grandbaby (Jessica) is due in August and the 2nd in September (Terry's Daughter from his first marriage).

We had a Blessing way for Jess last weekend with close family and friends. It was a wonderful time! A wee bit warm as we don't have Central Air but put in a small window unit for the party that seemed to take some of the edge off.

Earlier this year our beloved dog Maggie passed away. She was acting funny, wondering around in circles and bumping into walls. We took her to the vet and found out she had a stroke and we put her down. Our hearts were pretty saddened by this. She is dearly missed!

We found a great home for 2 puppies that we just didn't have time to give our full attention to.

Jessica also graduated from High School a few weeks ago! I'm so super proud of these Ladies!

I have been able to sell some lovely vintage treasures at a local Flea market! Did I mention maybe a small Antique shop out of the house is in the planning stages? Happy dance! We are out in the sticks so getting customers may prove to be a bit challenging!

My Lyme Disease is alot better. The referral given to me by my Primary Dr has proven to be wonderful!

I am being treated with herbs and vitamins. Also keeping an eye on my diet. Well, I kinda slid off the wagon for watching my diet. Everyday is a challenge. I am still no longer walking with a cane and grateful of how well I am doing but yet I am frustrated at how long the process to heal is. Of course I freak out when I find a tick or see a bug bite on myself and my family. It's hard not too. I have met a great community of folks that are fighting for their lives to defeat these epidemic.

I have been off work since September of last year and though we have a very small dwindling nest egg I do need to get back to work. I kind of dread the idea. I still struggle to stay awake during the day and other health symptoms concern me if I will be able to really function on a job even part time.

On a super note, it has been 1 year since my last full panic attack! YIPPEE! Now I have had some small hiccups but not the full blown, "Oh my gosh, I'm passing out" Panic attacks. I'm thinking it has alot to do with not hearing from my ex. My order of protection did expire on the 14th of this month. My anxiety level did rise a bit but I'm thinking he has the distraction of his new wife. This is great for me!

I understand she is in denial of the sexual abuse incidents. Stating that my ex is a nice man and how horrible of me to slander his name. She says her family/Grandbabies adore and love my ex. I was stunned to think I was slandering him. If I had known these things prior to finalizing the divorce you beat you sweet Bippy that I would have brought it up, despite Jess not wishing for it to be made public.

So, here we here 7 years later:
*Nightmares have lessened to every great once in a while
*No major panic attacks

These are HUGE milestones for me. My past life seems so surreal. It is as if it happened to someone else. I can talk about experiences without breaking down and melting into a puddle of goo. I still have a ways to go but I have come so far! I didn't ever think I would be where I was right now. So Dearest Blog reader if you are being abused (physically or verbally) have faith! To jump out of a abusive relationship is SUPER scary! You may be worried that you will have no place to live, no money, no insurance or maybe that you will never find love again.

Have HOPE!

Be willing to be flexible! I hear from countless men and women about how they can't leave "things or the house" or they won't make it. You CAN and you WILL!

You may have to hit rock bottom before you do leave. But why wait? If you can't leave, then try to get counseling for yourself and your partner. If your partner is unwilling then you need to make a choice.

Need more info on leaving? See the Labels for more, view Safety Plans, Positive affirmations, Leaving your abuser and Preparing to leave your abuser.. Please know that if you ever just need to vent feel free to email me or visit me on FB as Melinda Kunst or my page at Humbled Hearts on FB.

If you know someone in an abusive situation please be patient! The process to leave can talk days, months or GULP! Years! They may leave dozens of times before they finally leave. Be a shoulder to cry on, listen, give plenty of hugs and though it may seem frustrating and like you are playing the same song over and over, don't give up on them.

God bless you and know I'm cheering for you!

View my story in About me or My Book!