Nightmares & Narcissists

Will the dreams and nightmares about my ex stop?!

You left your abuser and now your dreaming about him/her. It may feel like you are still being held captive. When do they stop? Why does it feel like I'm obsessed or have separation anxiety from this person?

The duration of dreaming about your ex can depend on how long you are away from this person. Take the amount of time you were with this person and divide it in half. This will be the “magic” number that will be the amount of time you notice you have made progress on your healing journey.

You are probably frustrated by this. I know I was! How can you break free from these? It can be challenging to start reprogramming your mind to see your bad dreams as a tool to heal and change this into a good thing instead. You can do it!

Know that you are safe! This person can't hurt you anymore. You may feel victimized all over again subconsciously. Stop giving this person space in your mind. The feelings of being unworthy, that your useless, everything is your fault, etc... You may go through nightmare spurts. One day you have them and then the next day you don't!
Dreaming allows us to face our abusers head-on. We can safely explore situations we went through as scary as they may have been for you.

If you sit down and think about why you are having these dreams you may be surprised. It could be you were randomly talking about this toxic person earlier in the day with someone. You could have heard a song, saw an item, went past their house, had a message from them, are you up against a deadline, or something else that reminded you subconsciously.

While you are sleeping your brain may be trying to help you or tell you something by replaying a memory or situation.

How can you start to flip the switch?

1) What unresolved hurts do you have? Those bottled up memories can trigger a bad dream. Getting things down on paper or sharing these with a counselor/therapist/friend can be very helpful!

2) Change the voice of your abuser. Replaying these experiences can be terrifying for you but let's pretend you're watching a movie of a memory between you and that person who hurt you. Change the voice to that person. Make it a cartoon voice or really high and squeaky. Kind of like a chipmunk. Does it make you giggle a little? Going forward every time you think of this person I want you to remember this cartoon voice even in real life. This can help you start to see this person in a different perspective. Most of the talk coming from their mouths is ridiculous. Even if they are trying to bring you down I want you to remember this voice.

3) Before you go to bed begin a practice of watching or reading something positive. Don't binge The Walking Dead, watch the news, or consider putting down your phone. Feed your mind something good. If you have to watch a show make it light-hearted. America's funniest home videos, funny animal videos, listen to the Bible on YouTube, find positive affirmations or Bible verses, or record your own to play as you fall asleep. Color, go for a walk or listen to soothing music. Find a hobby that you enjoy to get this person out of your head. Fill your mind with positives and things that make you happy and if you don't know what makes you happy now is a great time to learn.

All of this does take time. I encourage you to give yourself this time to get to know you. To better understand your reactions to a certain situation and how you can reprogram yourself to react in a way that shows you aren't going to be a victim any longer.

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS,
Mel

Anxiety attacks and Panic attacks- Do you know the difference?

I can't rightfully say my healing journey is over. I haven't had a Panic attack in several years now. I've kicked the nightmares to the curb. Not having these were a BIG deal for me. It meant no longer feeling as though my ex had power over me. It meant being able to not worry about being triggered by songs, smells, holidays, and more. You can find the video of this post here-
Panic/Anxiety attacks. Differences and what you can do about them.

It is said that half of the time you were in that toxic relationship is how long you need to heal. Example: If you were in a 20-year relationship with someone then 10 of those years will be healing.

Anxiety attacks, happen over a longer period of time. Some of the symptoms are:

Tense muscles
Hard time sleeping
Finding it hard to concentrate
Feeling rage at times
Self-harm
Hallucinations
Substance abuse
Dissociation
Feeling suicidal
Exhaustion

Panic attacks, usually come on fast and can be intense. Symptoms may include:

You may feel as though you are having a heart attack with chest pain or discomfort
Heart palpitations
Feeling as though you are losing control
Feeling as if you are dying
Hyperventilating
Lightheaded
Nausea

There are many more symptoms for both and each person experiences something entirely different than another person.  I had no idea I was having a Panic attack until I was taken to the hospital. At the time I was still living with my ex back in 2006. I thought I was having a heart attack. It was so scary!

So what can you do?

Here are some tips to help heal from an attack-

Tell someone! It can be a trusted friend or relative but do tell someone. It is especially important to share with your co-workers/boss so they are aware of your situation.

Practice deep breathing. It is important to remember to breathe or even to start humming/singing during this time. It's hard to do but using distractions is important.

Start a meditation practice

Find a "Happy place". This could be a warm and fuzzy memory, something funny or something that makes you feel good.

Journal or write down your thoughts

Take care of your body by eating things that are good for you. Cut down on caffeine, sugar and processed foods. Look for herbal teas that can help relax you, such as Chamomile or drink flavored water.

Find a mantra that can help you change your focus during an attack.

Pop in a funny movie or find a stream/video that makes you laugh.

What can you do when you feel an attack coming on?

A popular thing to do is the 54321 techniques:

Name-
5 things you can see in the room with you.
4 things you can feel (The chair on your back or your feet on the floor).
3 things you can hear at that moment (Fingers tapping on a keyboard or TV).
2 things you can smell or 2 things you can think of.
1 good thing about yourself

Afterward, focus on what caused your panic attack. These are also referred to as "Triggers". It is something that sets you off emotionally which activates your memory. Ask yourself these questions:

Was it a smell?
Sound?
Song?
Movie?
Memory?
Are you feeling stressed or anxious?
Try to recognize how your body feels before and during the attack.

Use essential oils to help!

Back to deep breathing. Keep a paper lunch bag with you to slowly breathe in during an attack. If no bag is available you can use your hand.

What can you do if a loved one is experiencing from these?

It can be scary to experience these and even scarier to watch. Your loved one may be having trouble breathing or become unresponsive, you may notice shaking, crying, or they may feel sick.

Be patient! These can last minutes or longer.

Sit them down if they are standing.

If you are in a crowd find a quiet spot and wait for them to calm down. This may mean you just sit and watch them. Knowing what your person likes is important. Meaning do they like to be hugged? For some hugging is reassuring and for another person, this could be a trigger depending on the trauma they experienced.

Gently tell them to breathe slowly and breathe with them so remind them they will be okay.

Use humor, sing something softly or find some essential oils to help calm them.

Talk in short sentences during this time. Don't expect a long conversation.

What you shouldn't say:

Just calm down!
Stop panicking!
Stop being a drama king/queen.
Just think positive.
Get over it already!
Don't make fun or light of them.

Call for medical attention if unresponsive!

I hope these tips and suggestions help you. There are other healing techniques you can find.

Counseling
Theta healing
Crystals and many more!

Find what works for you. Remember you are not alone. If you need to talk there is help.

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS!
Mel

This is what my ex did NOW! You will be surprised!

What did he do now?! It's not what you think! First some background:

My eldest Daughter, Jess, has been having issues with outstanding medical bills. WAY BACK, my ex, Will, was ordered to keep health insurance on the girls.

It has been hit or misses with the payments by the insurance company. I'm in the hole for thousands. Now that she is on her own the billing is now hers. She has had medical issues for years. (This goes deeper but for the sake of your time I won't get into that)

After a wild goose chase, she finally sorted some of the mess out and found out that bills and insurance paperwork filtered back to Will! Rather than forward the information to us he kept it. Sending a message through our Son, Nathan to ask her to contact Will to talk to him about the bills. 

She was upset about having to do so and called asking if I would contact Will for his help. Reluctantly, I was going to when by chance he called my cell! 

I KNOW! RIGHT?! 

We talked civilly and I verified the needed information for him to submit to the insurance company. I didn't grill him about why he didn't send the info to us. We were cordial to one another. I told you it's not what you think!

Jess excitedly phoned yesterday to say that her bills were paid! Well, how about that?! He does have his moments. As do most. Oh, he made a few snarky remarks but rather than fire back I let it go and just said thank you we appreciate it. Now, that's all I'm going to say about that except, "Thank you, Jesus!". 

I was honored to be asked to be part of Dimensions of Intersections! 

The mission of Dimensions of Intersections, Inc. is to "Plant SEEDS of Hope" with victims and survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and child abuse; and any individual who is in any way affected by mental illness with the hope of providing adequate Support, Education, Empathy, Empowerment and Diversity ("SEEDS") to those seeking our love, care and respect. Please check the organization at the link above. There are many wonderful changes that have been going on for the upcoming months!

Off topic, kinda... We are opening an Airbnb/Farmstay in Spring 2020. Our plans to have a healing sanctuary are still planned. I'm toying with possibly becoming incorporated for that venture. My heart is to help others that desperately need empowerment to get back on track. Check our page God's Breath Farm for updates on this and the sanctuary plans.  

Once you leave an abusive situation there is a "De-programming" time period. This doesn't happen overnight. You may not even realize that your reactions, flashbacks, or anxieties are tied together. Addressing triggers, positive behavior changes, building healthy boundaries, and counseling if necessary is essential to ease back into a "normal life". 

I have one more speaking engagement next week and I am super excited about and have two appearances planned for 2019 but plan to add as many as possible next year. 

I put out a few messages on social media in hopes of having some help finding groups and organizations to speak with. I won't give up hope to keep sharing my story of surviving abuse or the other topics I speak about. 

Have you checked the "Searching for the light" stories from victims and Survivors of abuse? Please do!

If you haven't picked up a copy of my book at local libraries in my part of Indiana (Lowell, Brook, Lake Village, or Demotte) they can be purchased online at Amazon. If you don't find them in your area please request the title! Also, right now I have a "Giveaway!" going on at Hope when there was none FB page


"Like this page" Giveaway!
Between 11/26 to 12/10, "Like 👍", "Share", and "Tag" a friend to my page, Hope when there was none be entered to win a copy of my books, "Call me Master" and "Rising from the Ashes"! The more friends you tag the more entries you are given the greater your chances of winning a copy! 

I started Hope when there was none Group! I'm pretty excited about that. It is a closed group for other victims and Survivors to safely share. I plan on asking other advocates for guest posts and interviews! I may make it a secret group come January but I'm still kicking that around. 

 So, Dear One, whoever you are, know you are in my prayers. If you need to talk send me a message privately. I'll be happy to listen.

Stay safe!


BIG HUGS!
Mel

Are you hungry?

Spring 2008

It became ever increasingly apparent to those around me that something was going on behind closed doors.

Will was losing control while we were in public. A laundry list of incidents became more and more noticeable. Though, no one said a word. If anyone raised an eyebrow, Will would shoot a cold glance at them, causing any comments about the incident to fall by the wayside. 

A good deal of those saw me on a regular basis managed to pull aside from time to time to ask if I was okay. Many times anything that was done in public would include threats about what would happen when he and I were alone at home or he would pinch me, hard.

I grew close to a Darlene, whom I am still close to today, she is like a Mom to me. She saw and over heard many of the exchanges.

Though she never said anything out loud, there was an occasion where she would say something snappy to de-escalate the situation.

My favorite fast food had really good beef sandwiches that I couldn't help but stop and grab before I opened the store, also ordering one for Darlene for lunch, randomly on a Sunday at lunchtime. She would often return the favor by surprising me with a yummy beef, waiting for me on the front counter.

One Sunday afternoon, she had stopped off and said she brought me a sandwich! I was tickled, the smell of the drippy, soaked beef sandwich and fries caused my stomach to grumble! I couldn't wait to dig into it, the store wasn't very busy at this time, so I eagerly took a bite. No sooner then I started chomping did the front door open and Will walked in. He had gotten off work early and decided to surprise me by dropping by. He quickly walked to the front desk, demanding to know where did I had gotten the sandwich.

I shuffled my feet, nervously wringing my hands, feeling beads of sweat forming above my eyebrows. I had an upset churning in the pit of my stomach. Will, barked back that I was getting fat why the hell was I eating junk food? I told him Darlene had bought it for me.

“You’re not eating this!” He proceeded to pick up the beef and eat it.

I was flustered, I had barely squeaked out a sound to protest, when Darlene had come from the back of the store, seeing Will interrogating me about lunch, she said, “Hey! What’s wrong? I bought that for Mel!” She walked up to the counter and added that if he was hunger he should get his own lunch!

His face turned crimson in the matter of a millisecond. I interjected that I wasn't that hungry and appreciated her kindness, hoping to soften the situation.

Darlene had looked at me, her eyes seemed to ask if I was okay. I nodded and she walked away. Will had left about a half hour after storming in, with a full tummy and a reminder that I would have to speak to him later about this situation. He said I must be bad mouthing him when he wasn't around.

I breathed a sigh of relief that he was finally gone, calling the kids to alert them that Will was on his way home, to pick up the house and make sure to play well.

Darlene came to the front and noticed Will was gone. She asked me if I was alright and asked me if I really was not hungry. I shook my head. She could tell I was visibly upset. Deep in thought for a moment, she said that he was an asshole for eating the sandwich and treating me badly. She gave me a big hug, letting me know if I wanted to talk she would listen and that I was too nice to be treated the way he treated me.

Every time he left a situation or gathering, the air seemed lighter and the mood was lifted!

I worried myself sick on the way home about what was to come. I dreaded the trip home. When I walked in the situation seemed to be forgotten until later that night in bed, after the kids were sleeping. I had hoped he would have dropped the whole incident. He told me that I was not accept any food from anyone and forbid me to speak to Darlene as she is turning me against him. If he ever caught me talking to her other besides talking about the store, he would kick my ass.

He moved quickly, straddling me holding down my wrists, his full weight over 280 pounds coming directly down on me, he was angrily repeatedly telling me to say that I agree with him to never talk to Darlene.

I defiantly turned my face away from his gaze, saying nothing. He roughly grabbed my face with one hand and my neck with the other, chocking me. He was yelling that I was a bitch. Perhaps I was fucking Darlene and was planning on leaving him for her.

Spit was running down his lips covering my face. I clawed at his hands with my free hand, bucking and trying to twist him off me.

I panicked, furiously trying to save myself, thrusting, scratching and kicking to no avail.

I began to feel light all over, I couldn't breathe, and felt as though I was suddenly in a tunnel, seeing his outline fuzzy and faint.

I woke up several hours later, sore, hurting, scared, hearing him snore next time, I breathed a sigh of relief. I slid out of bed as gently and quietly as I could, hoping the weight leaving would not wake him.

I tiptoed into the bathroom to survey the damage, hearing the heavy sounds of breathing from the other room.  I softly closed the door behind me. I checked myself in the mirror. There were hand prints on my neck, which was sore and raw. My face was marked with dried spittle and tears. I had dried blood on my lip, not recalling how that happened. My wrists were bright red in spots from being held down. I was still felt light headed.

Suddenly, the house grew quiet, I paused like a deer sensing danger, all at once the door swung open and Will walked in, staring at me.

He shuffled past me to use the bathroom and said, “Good morning! Sleep well? I slept like a rock.”

“Hello? You okay?” He asked with a deep concern etched in his face.

“I’m fine, just going to wash my face and get moving.” I advised.

“Well you look like hell Mel, what did you do? Whatever it was you better be careful.” He nonchalantly walked past me.

I wasn't surprised. This was typical after an assault. I busied myself with getting myself together, making sure to wear something to cover my neck and long sleeved.

I had to open the store in a few hours. I felt as though I wanted to just stay home and lick my wounds.

I couldn't. It would not be allowed.

I told the kids that I would be leaving soon; ordering them to eat breakfast, clean up and to play outside rather than play video games or watch TV.

The kids had no idea what transpired. We had a whole house fan that was used regularly also Will regularly played the radio loud to get to sleep, so they didn't hear many of the altercations that happened between Rob and me.

I gathered my purse together feeling with the night’s events fading into the background of the rest of the day as I rushed for the door. 

I was halted in my tracks by Will, coming from the dark of the basement; he grabbed my already tender wrist as I was walking past the hallway to get my shoes.

Drawing me close to whisper to remember what he told me last night. He gruffly barked out that he would have people watching me and he may stop by unannounced as well so I better be a good girl.

He let go. I felt my throat tighten, tears springing into my eyes. He kissed my forehead, “I love you!” he said, staring at me, waiting for me to return the comment.

“I said I love you Mel! What do we need to have a repeat of last night?” He snarled.

“No, Will sorry my throat hurts a bit. I love you.” I murmured, trying not to come off snarky.

He never came into the store. Nor do I believe he ever had anyone watching me at the shop.

Are you positive?!

Recovering from abuse is a super long road.

Days can go by where I feel suddenly overcome with memories and feelings. Still trying to repair my spirit and stay safe where we live. I would love to share so many things about where we are and going's on. But for the sake of safety as many of you understand.






I have been finding joy in so many little things that I never was able to appreciate fully.

Sunrise and set
Going to church
Being late from time to time (I don't make a habit of being late 5 to 10 mins I don't sweat it anymore)
Reading
Relaxing
Lounging
Showering when I want to (I don't have to at night if I don't want to)
I can EAT what I want when I want!
My children
Being happy
Being able to try new and different things without criticism
Decorating how I want to
Having a friend/partner/Help meet
Laughter everyday
Chickens! Love these critters but they aren't pets. They are for food/eggs. I don't dress them up or call them pet names. 
Gardening
There is more but I won't bore you!

I still miss my son terribly. He turned 17 a few weeks back. The girls sent him an e-card and this is the reply was mean spirited. I shared they received a message but did not share with them the content, but that it was negative.

We have not received child support on a regular basis. I heard he is still working for cash. He is well over $5,000 behind but nothing is being done by the court or my attorney. They would rather sweep it under the rug because they don't want to deal with him.

Also, I haven't took the girls back to counseling since June. I was informed by my attorney I could serve jail time or the girls can be taken away from me due to withholding "court ordered" therapeutic counseling. HUH?! I scratched my head... It frustrates me that my ex could get away with hiring someone to kill me, breaking numerous restraining orders, not doing what the court asks and not paying child support but somehow I'm the one that can face jail or lose the girls?! How does this make sense.

I took the girls to counseling for a few sessions. Alex opened up about several memories that were about leaving the bathroom door opened when she showered and how uncomfortable it made her.
Jess was closed mouth this time. She felt jaded for having to go to the mental ward back in June for suicide. She said she entertained the thought but didn't really want to do so.
 
Everyday is a new adventure, no not perfect. To name a few things, I still am unemployed and actively looking (pestering my FB friends to help me). I have a terrible bug bite that looks so nasty right now. I still have back pain and was turned down for disability. My life in the past is surreal, as though it happened to another person. Stay positive! Hard to say and do I know. Finding joy and happiness is what we as humans crave and desire and dare I say if you weren't hugged enough as a child or during your life, it seems one longs for love and closeness. Create the life you crave. (legally of course)

Surround yourself in things that remind you of being strong or empowering you. Create a Vision/Wish board (Inspiration/Prayer board) with old magazine and glue or find pictures on the web that remind you of positive thoughts. Remember you are worth happiness, joy and eventually love with another (worthy of a wonderful person such as yourself!). Pray! Meditate! Listen to positive music. Find positive people to hang with. Get rid of negative thoughts, people or things. I have made many posts on this subject and I hate to sound like a broken record but it is so important in healing! Do things that "You" like to do. Or try something you always wanted to do. Share with loved one's. Kids can do these things too! It can help them in the healing process too!

Giving you big hugs! It's my birthday today so I'm needing to give some time to my hubs and little one right now. Here are several pictures to get you started!

Oh and finally...

Exfoliate your life!

That is my favorite line! A very wise woman once told me I needed to "Exfoliate my life"! Scrubbing away emotions, people and things from my life.

I pondered this for sometime. I did realize seeing somethings from my marriage caused me great distress, despite the ordinariness (Not sure if that is a word) of the item. From time to time they triggered a memory which would bring me to my knees or cause me to fall into a depressive state.

Talking with another Survivor- "Journey of Grace" on blogspot. I usually don't talk to that much about my story to everyone. So, opening to her has been very much blessing! She mentioned that a certain object was unknowingly triggering memories and physical issues with her and she needed to replace it to move on. Which reminded me again of the rampage I went through a few times! I ransacked my closet and other things I had around the house that reminded me of my abuser. Everything from the slutty/sexy clothes he bought me to wear for him to decor pictures on the wall to even some of the vintage things I was selling online. I threw many things of the clothes away (sorry landfills!) and donated to a local thrift store much of the other things.

I felt as though a weight had lifted up off my shoulders!

I know for sure I have 2 pictures in the Living room that I'm sure have some lingering psychic impression on them of a time that was filled with some joy, fear and sadness. I'm debating about these two. I may toss them on a table this week and sell them. I love the pictures! They are adorable... Rambling!

Now, not everyone has these issues, so don't go throwing out everything! Think to yourself first about whatever it is that could be a catalyst for Panic/Anxiety attack or PTSD issues. Yes, I know somethings are pricey just to get rid of. Whether it be a bed, or jewelry or clothes, it's a personal choice. A house? Well, that's a really big item. Personally, I didn't want the house because of the memories involved. It was best to start over.

Things. Stuff. Kitchy things. They are just things. Ever hear you can't take it with you? Just something to think about my Dear Blogger! Don't forget you are worthy of wonderful things!

Keep safe! Remember you can find me on FB as hopewhentherewasnone. Please pass this on to anyone that maybe suffering in silence.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Tomorrow is Protective Order hearing!

I'm scared about tomorrow! J had a meltdown at school today because of the thought having to see STBX again if the judge drops the case or orders supervised visits. I have to tell you I'm worried! I know he has the Atty for tomorrow but I have not gotten any paper work about him appearing for the divorce hearing.

My stomach is in knots! When will this end? When will I get to the point when I can not get all twitterpatted when I know I'm going to see him or when I randomly see him on the street.

I had gotten a call from the Domestic Relations office and they said we "Have to pay" for a GAL. We don't qualify, now excuse me if I'm not a bit confused. Last year there was nothing said about paying and now all of a sudden there is a problem. I can not afford an atty and if I could I would be paying for an atty for the divorce.

Say a prayer for us!

Fainting, fake heart attacks and made up health issues

It's a wonderous thing to have triggers associated with DV. I never have any idea what exactly is going to set them off. It boggles my mind, let alone with how the effects the memories have on me, both physically and emotionally.

Terry squeezed my head and he pretended to flutter, just being his usual silly self. For some reason this triggered a memory of STBX fainting after I told him I was leaving him for the 7 or 8th time in 2008. I lost count after a time.

STBX would fall to the floor, swooning as if hit by some invisible force once he heard the words come out of my mouth that I wasn't happy and I wanted a divorce. There were times I just left him on the floor. Another time I left him slouched over while he was on the toliet. Another time he "collasped" down a few stairs. Oh my gosh, take a bow and give the man an Oscar!

At first when he did this I would cry and apologize for upsetting him. Worried and trying in vain to "wake him". As years go by it gets old. Clutching his heart or claiming he couldn't breath. Oh PLEASE! Or he would say he couldn't handle the stress of my leaving, he can't live without me or how can I be so mean? Just mind games that my Gaslighter is so good at playing.

I would say I would stay. Only to have him once again apologize for hurting me and promises he wouldn't do it again. Mushy promises of love and tenderness that would end in short order with no truth to the empty words at all. Oh they may last a few days, weeks or months but it wouldn't stay longer then that.

I don't miss that! I don't miss the craziness, the name calling, accusations of cheating or the hitting.

I don't miss crazy!

Trying to find peace during the turbulance

It's a little after 8 am. I tossed and turned all night. My stomach is tied up in knots and is queasy. I feel defeated in many ways. Why? Over the past 3 days I have been going back and forth with the Guardian ad Litem about my marriage and our children.  He called for a meeting between my STBX and myself later this week. A meeting that I turned down last night after talking with a close friend, who was astounded the GAL would seem to be nonchalant and so casual about this meeting despite my Order of Protection.

Background:

I filed for divorce from my marriage of 17 years. These 17 years were filled with anxiety, mental/verbal and physical abuse. Ask family members and they will tell you they knew something was going on. Close family saw the scars or heard first hand from the kids about things that went on under our roof.

Several events led up to my leaving for the 3rd and last time. I had no regrets, I tried in vain to keep it going. I couldn't do it. I was losing my hair, I had a baby ulcer starting, my family physican took me aside on several occassions to ask what was wrong. Though I said nothing, I am not a good liar.

My STBX made it clear early on that he would not stop until I was left with nothing. No custody of the kids, nothing from the house, nothing. It's all he said, she said now. All the bruises, all the shouting we endured, and all the name calling, all the bad memories from my marriage are now he said/she said. I have no proof but 1 picture I have my sister in law took back in 2007. I have one affidavit from a family member that my STBX planned to kill me. My STBX's response now? If I was going to hurt her I would have done that already?

SERIOUSLY?!

I told my attorney I want nothing but these things, most of which was destroyed or sold by STBX. Some of the items were things that were taken from my then safe place at my sister's place. I had planned on moving and STBX had taken it upon himself to help himself to my clothes, books, cd's, and a handful of jewelry.
My attorney said no you need to ask for more, take his pension, doesn't he have a savings? What about the house?

I wanted OUT! I did not want the house! I did not want his pension or savings! I had a list of 20 odd things or so, including the other items taken. That's it! I even left my wedding band when I left. I didn't keep them.
I want a divorce that's all. I want to be left alone from this man, who continues to remind me that he is my "Your husband". I could go on and on. I have enough emails from my STBX and sadly my son that are rude, scary, and mentally unstable.

I lost my attorney due to his leaving and since I lost my job I could not pay him. Though in my Provisionaly Order my STBX is supposed to pay, that's a laugh. It didn't happen. I knew it wouldn't.

I agree there are 2 sides to a story. I wish more then a amicable divorce but, STBX was labeled off the record, sadly was Psychotic, Depressed, Manic, Intermitten Explosive disorder, Borderline Personality, Anxiety and a few more things.

Of course it doesn't seem to matter now. I may lose custody of my girls or they may have over nights with him and their brother. I am all for them healing and seeing one another, IF my STBX was mentally stable and he is not. I emailed a handful of relatives in hopes of getting some insight, also perhaps they could share their experiences on paper and also give me a character witness.

The girls, they are happy here. Do they miss their Dad and brother? In some ways, they just don't want to be hit, called names or have to clean the house. Oh the last one is funny right? No it's not, my STBX has a warped sense of house cleaning, the girls will be maids. Not my words, my oldest daughter said so. I relish the idea of my STBX stepping up and being a good father to them. I pray for that! I have no problem with them seeing them, IF they were safe.

I pray for a good end to this mess.
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** I had asked the GAL if I was incorrect in stating there is nothing we can do about finalizing the divorce until our June 15th court date. I have pasted his response down below, but you have to understand we have been emailing over 20 emails back and forth for the past few days. My silence is making it sound as if I am not compliant. I livid in many ways at the tone of this, feeling as though I am getting my hand slapped. I want nothing more then a divorce and some harmony, but again my STBX is unstable and very good at making himself appear smooth and cunning. Custody of girls is what I want. I don't listen to calls either. STBX walked out of calender planning because if he could not see girls his way he did not want to see them. I could go on and on...**

You are correct!!!  The next hearing is June 15, 2011. But nothing will happen on that day if you and *** do not have an agreement on some things St least.  So I will spell out for you both the basic issues concerning the case:
1.  Is your marriage irretrievably broken?? If yes, your marriage can be dissolved. My guess is that the answer is yes. Then, why should the two of you wait until June 2011. The fact that you are still married seems to me to be a "bone in everyones side". There is no finality On this issue.
2.  Your recent child is not ***'s according to your joint admission
That fact needs go be spelled out in the decree. Again , there is no disagreement on this point.  You both agree. Why put that off
3.  There is the question of who will have custody of the three children
Born of your marriage.  The only scenario that is workable from my viewpoint is that son stays with Dad. That us where he has been   That is what he wants !
There is little likelyhood that he wants to move in with you. He is Angry. The two girls wanted to be with you.  I have not heard from them at all.  Do either of you know if they have changed their mind?
If not them that question is resolved!
4.  Everyone seems to wants to do more analysis concerning what is best fir   I suspect there have been some frustrations since April but how has son done ?
In school?  Would he have done better with Melinda?  No one knows?  One thing is certain
He is bitter and angry St Melinda!
Just read his emails recently. So, what do you both want to do?  Subject him to further uncertainty or give him some stability in that he would know that he willReside with his dad. That is what he clearly wants
5.  If he lives with dad then dad will responsible for his medical Nd mental health. I am talking about who he would see and when not who would pay.  There is no way thatthe two of thou could ever be involved in joint legal custody of son. One personsould have sole physical custody and make all of the health care decisions.  As it relates to son that person should Be dad. Remember, son can tell the magistrate who he wants to live with. Do either if you really doubt what he will say ad to who he wNts to live with??  If not then why are you  putting off this decision on his custody??
6. Regarding when and if son will visit with Melinda leave that up to him. Right now he is bitter and frustrated. He does not want to  visit with you Melinda because he believes that you are doing things to hurt his dad. Well, you two are still married and he is upset with your new relationship. I believe that if you were divorced it might be less upsetting. There would be finality. You would no longer be married. Over half if the marriages end in divorce. This is not uncommon.
7.  Apparently the two of you will Never be able to sit down and discuss your children and their problems. But do not use them as messengers nor sounding boards as to why each of you is bothering the other.  Let dad be responsible for son and Melinda be responsible for the two girls.  Is this not the way that they will orient as they reach and go thru puberty And adolescence ?? Do not try to buck what occurs in the developmental stage.
8. Son did not want to be told that he had to visit melinda!!!  The girls wanted to visit their dad
9. Is it either of your opinion that Dad will physically or mentally
Hurt or abuse son or the two girls?? Is it either of your opinions that Melinda will physically or mentally abuse sonor the two girls?  If not the let the children reside where they told  me they Wanted to live!!!
10.  The kids want to communicate with each other. Since son does not want to visit or see Melinda that visitation would have to  of you be at Dad   And let them talk On the phone!
11.  The two of you need to end the marriage. Move on. You cannot communicate so  why put off the inevitable. By procrastinating and waiting and hoping for someone else to decide what to do, you
Need to do it yourself
12.  Child supportcause will be a mathematical computation.  Dad
Would have Son and Melinda the two girls. Because Sonwill not visit with Melinda she would get no credit for overnites. Dad would get this credit since I am assuming that the girls would overnight at Dads house if for no other reason than they would like to see their brother. At their present ages they are more interested in their siblings. But girls find it easier to discuss crrtAin things with their mother and the same applies to boys and their fathers !!!
13.  What I am saying now is what your kids told me a while ago!!
No....based upon sons e mails to me I do think the core subject of what bothers him has changed. He feels that you melinda are out to destroy his dad. He hears this sentiment from someone.. He does not like it and therefore he doesnot like you!!  There is nothing  that could be done to change this other that total reconciliation.  I do not see that happening and in reality neither do the two of you.  The birth of the baby while you two were married is harder for a male to accept. I would offer a guess that the girls have less problem with the birth and child. This us their motherly instinct in it's formative stage. But for a male to be upstaged by a male while the marriage  still intact is tough for a male to deal with!!  Melinda..he is not old enough to see it as anything other than a slap in the face if his dad!!he does not comprehend your lack of any feeling toward his dad..  In reality He would like the two of you to be a family. He doesnot plume this uncommon situation.  It bothers him!!
14.  So what else is there to service??  Only who gets what property and who takes what debt?  I have no advice nor will I offer An opinion on that split??
15.  Without lawyers to lead the way you will spin your wheels and accomplish nothing before June 11 other than to aggravate each other, excite your children over the uncertainty.  My dad always said that you have two choices in any situation:  do something or do nothing. You jointly control you fate.
16.  Each of you wants someone else to get the other to solve you mutual problem rather than solving it yourself.
17. No I cannot cancel the fear of dad that Melinda puts on the table nor can I counter dads argument that melinda is trying to destroy him.
18.  I put forth my observations
From the standpoint of your children. They want stability. They do nit have it ad long as thus divorce remains unsettled. This thing can drag on for ever!!  You can wait 6 months to have a pretrial and another year for any more a trial date. If you want to end this then agree on something.  Do not let this marriage and it's termination fester   any more.