Tips for leaving your abuser

Hello Love Bug! Let me tell you how proud of you that I am! You are taking the first step just by reading this information. At this stage, it can be scary for you! The fear of leaving, possible repercussions if he/she finds you, how are you going to live, or now what questions may be running through your mind. 

This is going to be a LONG post. I will be creating a video that you can find later this afternoon here- Hope when there was none

Before you drop the bombshell think about:
* Is this relationship worth saving? Now hear me out! Is it that your partner is violent or upsetting when he/she is drinking/using drugs? Are they a bully and don't realize it? Have you gone through counseling to resolve the issue? I hate for relationships to end of course abuse is unacceptable. These are factors to consider. My first thought is to leave but for some, they wish to see if they can make it work. Remember this, you can not make this person your project to "fix". They have free will. If you/friends/family have pointed out the negative behavior and they don't wish to change there is your answer.

* Leaving while your partner isn't home or going to be gone for a long time.

* Alerting work/school about your situation.

* Gather important papers. If you are concerned your partner will notice these are gone make copies of the original and leave the copies! 

Here are ideas:

Marriage/Birth certificates 

Social Security cards

Bills- Student loans, Credit cards, medical

Financial records

Medical records/shot records

Diplomas

Passports 

Pay stubs

Income tax records

Mortgage/Rent contract

Business contacts/info 

Have an old school paper type of phone book with contacts- Note an emergency contact!

Car registration/Insurance

Medical insurance cards

Investment info/401k

Old protective orders- this shows there were past problems

Photos

Bankruptcy discharges

Any other legal info- lawsuits, tickets, summons, immigration paperwork/green cards, custody papers

Journals

History of the violence- include pictures and note the dates

Make a plan to send these to a P.O. Box that your partner does not know about or give to a trusted friend/family member.

* Set up a new email address or make sure you change your passwords (change to an affirmation! Iamstrong, Iamenough)See my video here- Using Affirmation passwords.

* Open a bank account prior to leaving if you can. Personally, I squirreled away $25.00 over many months to open one before I left my abuser. I had the statements going to my new address at my sister's house. Now, you can have them come electronically so your abuser won't know.

* If you have a place to go, start taking things to your new digs. These are things that will go unnoticed, such as seasonal clothing, mementos, toys/games for the kids, extra food, bedding/towels, anything that you can think of that won't be missed. 

Let's say it's "Leave time", here are some things to consider, now this should not be taken lightly and I would also suggest that you reach out to law enforcement and/or a Women's shelter for tips, suggestions, and other resources. 

1) How will your partner react to the news? Will there be physical harm if you leave? Or will you be asking your partner to leave? You may consider leaving by a police escort. This means you leave ASAP! No dilly-dallying to grab a toaster, the TV, or photos. These are just things, what is important is you and your children (or furbabies).

2) This kinda goes with #1. Are there weapons in the house? VERY IMPORTANT! If your partner has a gun and you suspect he/she may use it please make sure you tell the police or hide the darn thing from him/her. Which may tick your partner off too! Or make sure you are not fighting in the area where a weapon can be easily grabbed.

3) Know your space! Don't get pushed into a corner, room with no windows, or without an exit! Curling up into a tight ball may seem like a cowards way but protecting your head with your arms/hands and other vital organs can be important if need be. Also, don't wear long necklaces or scarves this can be used to strangle you!

4) Make sure your kids are in a safe place. This may mean that you don't go where they are hiding. If you do run to them this may bring the violence to them! Teach your child 911, the address, and your names. 

5) Keep your phone on you or by you and turned on! Make sure it is charged. 

6) Know your neighbors or ask your family for help. Some folks don't want to get involved and that is okay but if you are able to ask if they hear anything, see a visual cue (maybe you can turn a certain light of), or create a safe word to use in the event of danger. 

7) Back into your parking spot. Keep it fueled. Have a set of extra keys hidden in there somewhere. There are magnetic key holders! Put in a spot that won't be obvious. 

8) Have a "Go bag" ready. This will have a 3 day supply of clothes, toiletries, extra meds, a bit of food, and cash. Read more about this here- Personal survival kit/Survival kit

9) Consider having a friend or family member stay with you while you break the news. I highly advise instead to leave when your partner is not home. This all sounds like cloak and dagger type of stuff because it is! I'm not going to lie to you! 

10) You may not want to tell the kids until the day you are leaving. I would consider the age and maturity of your child. 

This can serve 2 things: 

* They won't spill the beans beforehand. 

* They won't be upset or act awkward before you leave. 

* Are you having behavior issues with your child? They may be exhibiting habits from your abuser! It is not uncommon nor is it uncommon for a child to threaten to "tell on you! 

This is a BIG event your their life! They may feel sympathy for your abuser. If they are older you will want to give them a choice. Now, before you flip me off, listen. This child may end up being turned against you or already is. The danger may not be worth you taking him/her with. I know it sounds terrible! Trust me, I have been in your shoes! 

11) You/kids may have to talk to police, attorneys, GAL's, or social workers about your story. You may feel like a victim all over again. Your partner may spin the table and make "you" the instigator. This can be traumatic for you/kids. There could be symptoms of PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome, Learning disabilities, other health issues related to the abuse that could escalate during this time. Counseling can help! See a licensed professional. 

I know this is a LOT to digest. Planning in advance has its advantages. The disadvantage is staying longer. Waiting for the right time. You may not have a choice and have to go. In either case please be careful! You may also think that the abuse you are going through "Is not that bad". Or that it's only he/she says bad things and doesn't hit you. Perhaps it is that you have no control over your finances. Maybe they use mind games. 

This is all abuse. It doesn't matter if you have a bruise or broken bone. What matters is if you are willing to stay in this relationship for the rest of your life. Are you ready to allow your kids to keep experiencing this? Will they repeat the pattern?

Don't be surprised if friends/family you thought were on your side back off or take your partner's side or "spy" for him/her. 

Lastly and most importantly, talk to your kids during this time. Let them know they are not to blame, none of this is their fault and that what is happening with your partner is not acceptable behavior and violence is not okay.

If you have any other questions or concerns please drop me a message privately here or my page Hope when there was none. I also have a private group for victims/Survivors if you are interested to let me know and I will add you. 

Check out my video for 72 hour safety tips after leaving an abusive relationship

I'm praying for you!

God bless and stay safe!

BIG HUGS,

Mel

Tips to keep 'YOU" safe during the holidays

This time of the year is supposed to be joyous and happy but if you are a victim of abuse it can be a nightmare.

You may have heightened stressors as you potentially experience any of these:

Financial issues- lack of funds from overspending, job loss or layoff.

Getting together with family- While normally can be wonderful there could be pressures or conflict on top of dealing with your abuser.

Increased alcohol/drug use- It is not uncommon for usage of these to be more abundant.

Vacation- Your partner or loved one may be off for an extended time causing more heated exchanges.

What can you do?! 

1) Keep your phone charged at all times. Make sure you have trusted contacts on speed dial. This could be:

911 in the States for immediate assistance- Teach your children this number too! 

Family or Friend- These can help pull you out of a heated situation or act as a witness. Consider using a "Safe word" such as Gingerbread or Eggnog for a text or while you are on the phone. This can alert your person that you need help NOW.

Women's shelter

The Hotline - 1-800-799-7233   1-800-787-3224 (TTY) En Español

Safe Horizon -1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

NCADV - Resources page for National and International help

2) Along with the safe word tip, if you have a good relationship with your neighbor think about having a certain color light that can be lit when if you need assistance. If they feel comfortable they may ring the doorbell or knock to check. They could also call the police for you to do a wellness check.

3) Download a safety app such as - Circle of 6

4) If you are meeting your abuser for a visitation exchange contact a friend to go with you. If you can not find a friend, make sure this is done either in the daylight or in a public well lit area. Contact your local police department and give them the "Cliffnote" version of your situation and ask if they can meet for the exchange. They are happy to assist with this and will give you instructions on how to handle the situation. 

5) If you are still with your abuser make sure you have an escape plan. Don't back yourself into a corner or room without a window. 

6) Contact your local shelter for a Safety plan. You may not be leaving this second but empower yourself with knowledge of how to handle an escalated situation. 

Be safe! Know you are not alone in your struggle. If you need to talk feel free to message me privately. 

I started a closed group page for victims and Overcomers to share and encourage one another with respect. I will be changing this to a secret group at the beginning of the year.
Find it here to join- Hope when there was none group

Have I told you lately that I love you? 


BIG HUGS and stay safe!
Mel


P.S.- More news coming soon from my home front. 

Why you should leave a paper trail

Hey there Love Bug! 

Are you curious why you should leave a paper trail? 

Here is some background on one quote I found recently. I have been picking brains of those that are on the public speaking circuit and professional speaker, (God bless her patience!) Emily was wonderful to share tips and The Speaker Lab podcast! This helped her get started with her business. Since I am so green and have knocking knee about being in front of a crowd I thought this was the best information and podcast I have found! 

Now here is the reason I bring this up. Grant the Public Speaker Ninja, was talking about contracts and he once heard that "A paper trail is a "safe trail". I liked that! 

Which brings me to the subject post! So what is kind of paper am I talking about and why is it so dang important?

When I first left my abuser I hadn't thought much of taking paperwork. It wasn't until that first experience did I realize the importance. 

What types of paper I am referring to is:

Previous years income tax filings

Pay stubs (If your partner is receiving funds under the table and there is some sort of documentation that is SUPER important.)

Medical cards/files/prescriptions

Marriage/Birth Certificates

Mortgage/Rent contract

Business contracts/info (If you own this on your own or with your abuser.)

Auto Registration

Auto insurance information

401k or other investment information

Credit card bills/other misc. bills

Student Loans

Children's school information

Photos- Of the abuse or just cherished photos

If you have all of this and any other relevant papers make copies. Concerned this will be noticed? 

Consider copying one at a time. Mail the copies to a trusted friend or relative. You may want to get a PO Box. A small box is pretty reasonable. I have found one as cheap as $40 for a year. These do vary! So check around your local area. 

Most of everything on this list will be asked for by the court or your attorney. 

Now for the unpleasant stuff. 

I am going to be upfront and honest with you. The first 24 to 48 hours after leaving an abuser can be the most volatile. Make sure you keep your phone off or block your abuser's number. It can be tempting to answer his/her calls or text messages. I beg you to please not do so! 

If by chance you forget to do those steps then please keep track of the messages (text and voicemails). Perhaps, this person figures out where you are staying and comes by. Call the police! That is first and foremost! For your safety and if you have children. 

File a police report. This may start to feel tedious and as though your abuser is just getting away with everything. It can be quite frustrating! Trust me, even if that order has been violated a bunch of times it's not in vain! If your state or city is pretty lax these incidents can build up a case against them. 

If you are worried they are running around talking about you. Saying your a terrible person/caretaker, or you are a drug user or that you have a stash. Let that person talk! That's all they can do right now and they are super frustrated. The police and legal authorities can see right through these instances. Trust me! 

Keep a journal of all of the contact with dates, times, and where these things occur. 

These can be used in the future as well. The trick in all of this is to remain calm. This can be hard when you are experiencing someone that is stalking you, showing up at your place, or threatening you or your children. Take reasonable safety measures to keep yourself safe. Here are some tips from a previous blog post- Keep yourself safe after you leave. 

You may end up with a HUGE file box with paperwork. That's fine! I had 2 legal paper boxes and 2 red rope files with information about everything going on. It seems ridiculous but this did a few things for me. 

It gave me something else to do besides cry and feeling hopeless. It empowered me to say, NEVER AGAIN! 

I encourage you to journal as well during this time. This can help you with noting the events right after they happen so they are fresh and can be shared with your attorney, GAL, Doctor, or advocate involved. 

I hope this helps you on your journey. I also hope this doesn't dissuade you from leaving. Leaving is the best thing I ever did for myself and the hardest thing I have ever done. I've mentioned it in the past. I hate to sound like a broken record. 

Do you need help right now? Please contact the police! They are happy to help before a situation takes a dire turn. If you don't feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the non-emergency number of the police station (Many times they can give you resources that can help) or contact your local shelter. There is also- The Hotline or NCADV. 

Whichever you choose please know you are not alone. Many women and men are there to help you through your situation. If you aren't ready for that and need to talk confide in a close relative or friend and of course, please don't hesitate to send me a private message here, or blessmeplz@gmail.com or on my FB page- Hope when there was none. 

I am sharing awareness by setting up book signings, events, and speaking engagements. Here is where you can catch me next! Find my books here-Amazon

Would you do me a favor and recommend me to your church, school, or group? My mission is to inform, educate and empower by sharing my story. 

I hope you are safe and know that you are loved by me but by many others around you.

BIG HUGS,
Mel

Keep yourself safe after you leave an abusive situation

If you are reading this and you have already left your abuser I want to tell you... YAY! I'm proud of you! Now for the dirt.

The first 72 hours of leaving your abuser can be one of the most dangerous time.I am not sharing this to scare you or change your mind in leaving. I am sharing so you aren't caught off guard. 

Abusers will stop at nothing to get their victim back. A little smooth talking, a few tears, perhaps some threats to harm themselves or you. 

How do you keep yourself safe not only after 72 hours but going forward?

1) Get yourself an Protective Order! You may say, Melinda, I've done this and have a stack of them. He/She keeps getting a slap on the wrists, it's not working! Trust me, I know how frustrating this is! 

Anytime this person sends you a threat or upsetting message contact the police. Depending on the level of intensity they will let you know if a Protective Order is an idea. 

If it seems like nothing is happening and your ex is still harassing you or breaking into your home. Call the police! Leave a papertrail! This will serve you down the road legally. Any text, voicemail, email, note or letter that is threatening or just leaves you on edge call the police. If these come through and you have an active order this can send your abuser in violation. They may still get off but not doing anything is allowing your abuser to keep bothering you.

2) Don't let anyone talk you back into taking your abuser back! Not family or friends or even your abuser. You may have to sever ties with those close to your abuser or those that he/she may have woo'd by their charm. Ignore calls, messages and texts from your abuser. DON'T ANSWER OR ENGAGE! This is not your opportunity to give a few jabs in. Doing so could legally turn around and bite you in the butt for egging your abuser on. 

Have a friend or family member check your emails, text messages and voicemails. If there is anything that is alarming or they consider an emergency call the police or carefully evaluate the situation before returning correspondence.

3) You may find mysterious find yourself having "new" friends requests on social media or things you shared your ex may suddenly know about. Go through your list carefully to rule out who may be sharing info. Or to the extreme "feed" info (false info) to someone you may feel suspicious about. Let time go between giving info before you move onto others that raised flags.

4) Get a new phone or change your number. Before you put the brakes on this one, you do not need a flashy phone to get you through this right now. Unless you can afford it of course. There are several cheap phones that aren't too bad. 

I use Tracfone. I'm not advocating for this phone, just saying it is a good phone if you just want to make calls. Texting and data can cost a bit more, but I can swing this at this time for $20.00 every 2 months. It may cost a bit more when I am having emergencies or when I was having legal issues.  

If you can't afford a new phone or perhaps your abuser is paying the bill, be forewarned they can check the bill to see who you are texting and calling. They may also be able to enable the GPS on your phone.You may also get a phone from a Shelter! 

Invest in a phonebook. Unless you have all of your important numbers memorized. I'm a 70's child and had to remember phone numbers. This was pre-cell phones! Now, we live in a age where we just hit the phonebook on our cell, but what if you have to leave that? You can pick up a phonebook rather cheaply or make a list on Word or Excel. 

Consider using collect calls to make calls to your abuser or anyone connected to this person. Or use a phone card. 

Example: A BIG problem for me early in my leaving my ex was that I let my guard down. I didn't think and called my then Mom-in-law on her house phone using a cell phone that my ex did not know I had. He went over later that day for dinner, checked her cordless phone and scrolled down her caller id list. Guess whose number he found!?

So the things I speak of are from experience!

If you can find a payphone, use that. Sadly, these are getting harder and harder to find. But, keep change handy.

5) Speaking of GPS... Tracking devices can be very small. They could be attached to your purse, a child's backpack, toys, installed on your laptop or computer or somewhere in your home. Check your phone out. Check your children's things after a visit. Install software on your computer in case spyware was installed. 

A new laptop or computer is your better bet if you have the funds. If too pricey but you feel you need to have a new device, consider purchasing from a pawn shop, check upscale thrift stores, Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace or local groups. Of course, make sure if you go through social media to be safe and purchase in a public area. Consider doing so in front of a police station. 

Change your passwords, pin numbers, and change them often if needed on social media, banking, bills, and wherever you need to do so.

6) If you are securing your electronics, think about your home. Make sure your doors and windows are locked. Put dowel rods in a top corner of the windows vertically. There are window and door sensors that you can get from a hardware store that are easy to install. Consider getting security lighting and alarms, these can be bought relatively inexpensively. Change your locks on all your doors! 

Make sure if you keep a spare key that it's not in plain sight. Find a trusted neighbor and alert them to the situation and to call the police if they see something suspicious. You may ask them to also keep a key for you. This may be embarrassing to you or you may feel you don't want to bother anyone or put them in danger. Ask! 

Remember if you have a child, they may not understand leaving dear old Dad or Mom outside if they are knocking. Sit them down and talk to them about how important it is that you all stay safe and not to answer the door for anyone at all unless you give permission or allowed to answer the door if they are alone. 

Of course you don't want to put fear in them. Gently remind them that right now you and your partner are not getting along and to keep you all safe you need them to be brave and help you all stay safe. If they don't know about stranger danger, now is an important time to do so!

7) Speaking of the door! Instead of changing the locks if it is a wood door think about replacing it with a wood door. 

Consider keeping a bat, Pepper spray or even bug spray handy. If you have a permit to carry a weapon keep it handy. Make sure it is safe from your child. Gun's not your style or you are worried about the kids, consider having a knife near the door.  USE THE PEEPHOLE on your door and if you don't have one install one. 

8) Alert your child's school or daycare about your situation. Let them know that "YOU" are the only person your child goes home with, unless otherwise. Or change schools or caregivers if necessary.

9) See if a friend can stay with you or stay with a friend or better yet, go to a shelter! If none of these work for you. Be sure to keep a trusted friend or family member in the loop for where you are going. No your not a child, but you need to stay safe. Texting or sending a quick shout out to your tribe can help put their mind at ease. 

Change your routine! If your routine is to drive for coffee before work, consider going to a different coffee shop or going later. Drive home a different way. If you are using public transportation, take it at a different time. Shop at different stores in different areas. 

Example: In the early stages of our separation my abuser found out where I worked. He paid someone to follow me. This person soon knew my routine and then found out where I worked! He knew what time I started and when I got off. Lesson learned! 

10) Let your work associates know what is going on! You may not want to air your dirty laundry, but keeping your job secure is high priority for you Dear One. 

You may have upcoming legal proceedings, doctors appointments and so on. Keeping your boss included what is going on personally can also help them be more understanding if you are "not all there or focused".  Maybe ask to keep your name off of directories, desk, or office doors. If your place of work has security ask for someone to escort you to your car. No security? Ask a co-worker if they feel comfortable to do so.

11) Give your loved ones a "Code word" to use for phone calls or in case of emergency. Teach your child 911 in the States or the emergency number for your area. 

12) Make sure if you have to see your abuser for any reason that you do so in a PUBLIC setting. You can call your local law enforcement and let them know about your situation (Give them the CliffsNote version). Ask if they can send an officer to sit and wait for the visit or drop off for the kids to be done before leaving.

Now before you think that you don't want to "bother" the police I'll tell you a secret... They would much rather prevent an incident then to walk into an incident in progress or clean up the aftermath. 

Trust me! I've done this and the officers stayed a healthy but easy to get to me distance and waited around until I left. I even had one officer follow me almost all the way home for good measure. 

13) If you can swing it MOVE! Check how far legally you can move away from your abuser. That is if you have children together. Moving too far away could stir the pot and cause more legal issues. Try not to move to the middle of nowhere or a spot that is too surrounded by trees.

If you do move, consider getting a P.O. Box to use as an address for correspondence with your abuser and his/her attorney. Be forewarned the court or police may use your real address. ASK if they have to do it this way or if they do can they hide your address due to safety concerns.

Consider renting a home with utilities included. Or check your state for address confidentiality programs. They may also be able to give you a new social security number too! If you do find a rental apartment make sure you are on an upper floor. 

14) Going back to social media. Do not post where you are going. If you wish to share please do so AFTER you have went. Check your settings and make sure you are posting to your friends only! 

15) Remember I mentioned having a weapon? Consider taking a class in firearm safety or self defense. My family and I took a class through Protective Tactics 101 in Chesterton, IN visit them here- Protective Tactics 101 I highly recommend the class. It is an all day class so be prepared to stay for 8 hours or so. It was worth it! We were also blessed that someone gifted us the class. We hope to do another class in the future.

Taking the class and learning about handling a gun has helped me feel empowered and reassured me that if I need to protect myself and family I can without hesitation!

16) Stay situationally aware at all times. Assume you are going to be a target. Before you enter a public setting, parking lot or going out to your car make sure you are looking around your surroundings at all times. Don't check your phone for the latest text, online game, or social media update. That is not important. Save these for home. Keeping yourself safe is important right now!

17) If you read my other Safety posts, remember I talked about a "Go-bag"? Basically, it is a bag with a 3 day emergency set of clothes, toiletries, keys, and a bit of cash in.  I would throw in a cell phone that may not be active to use just for 911. Remember to throw in a phone charger!

18) Perhaps your abuser is threatening to kill themselves. Take that information to the police to do a wellness check or call his/her family. DO NOT ENGAGE!

Both times before I left my ex, I told his parents and even his boss knew! I let them know in case he did something rash. 

There will be threats of self harm, harming your, your children, or furbabies. Don't be surprised if people you know and love suddenly turn on you. Your abuser maybe turning on the charm and making your out to be the bad guy. Learn to let these things go as upsetting as they will be. Now these things may seem like over the top but these "tools" can help keep you safe. 

How long do you have to do these things? I hate to be a wet blanket, but I've celebrated my 9 year Independence day and I still implement many of these tools. I may have to do it for many years to come but now, they are so ingrained in my routine that I don't even think about them anymore.  

If at all you have any questions contact www.thehotline.org or your local police department. Don't hide. Enjoy life. Moving on is best for you and everyone involved. 

I am always happy to talk to you! I've walked down this road and have been there and survived.This is not an easy road, but I will tell you it will be worth it in the long run! 

Stay safe Dear One.

God bless!

BIG HUGS,
Mel

P.S.- The picture of me is for giving you a giggle on this otherwise strong and tough subject. Sometimes if I didn't find something to laugh about that I would cry. I hope this give you a giggle!

*Check out Amazon, Kindle and Nook for "Call me Master"  by Melinda Kunst, my escape from abuse. You will find not only my story, but tips and tools to help you on your journey. 

Coming soon, book two,"Rising from the ashes". I share what was going on behind the scenes when we aren't dealing with the legal system. Issues of suicide, Parental Alienation, rebuilding my self esteem, kicking PTSD to the curb (at least by 95%) and learning about healing chronic illness of Lyme disease and the long list of other illnesses that follow. *

Walking away

I walked away over 8 years ago...

Well, that's wrong! I ran!

Literally!

Funny thing is I keep trying to run away from this blog. Not to forget it or the past that sometimes still creeps up on me but because why bother with it? This blog has helped me grow, breakdown, rant, cry and heal.

This blog has also brought awareness to others by sharing my story as well as new friendships.

The past few weeks have been a reminder to blow the dust off of this blog, visit it more often, keep sharing and inspire.

So how has the past few weeks been?

I have been put in touch with several victims of DV, in addition at my workplace we were all thrust into a situation where a guest (I work at a hotel) was a victim experiencing abuse.

I offered her my calling card, which has this blog on it, my email address and phone number should she need a ear. I give her an option of just visiting our YouTube channel to hear my story.

There were a dozen or so of amazing Momma Hens that came to her rescue. They offered advice of leaving the *sshole and running him over (we witnessed him hopping on the hood of her car, egging her on and yelling at her through the windshield).

She remained swollen eyed. Stating he only gets this way when he drinks. Funny, he seemed to be a douche bag without the drink.

It reminded me of the lies we tell ourselves as victims.

He/She is only this way when they drink or use drugs.

There are promises never to do it again.

That it's our fault. If I hadn't done, blah, blah, blah to make him/her angry everything would be fine.

If I can hold out until the kids are older...

If our finances improve everything will be O.K.

If I can save money to leave...

If I can find a place that can take us/me/furbabies...

If, if, if...

No one can tell you when to leave. They can encourage and build you up. You are already in a volatile situation so getting into a argument with a supporter is something you don't need.

I've said it before. You will know instinctively when to leave. I call it hitting "Rock Bottom". Something jars you and rocks your world to the point you realize "It's now or never".

Now for everyone it's something different. Perhaps someone beats the tar out of you, your child or furbabies. Perhaps you are raped. Tired or living in constant fear. There are countless situations.

Sometimes you just can't plan to leave it just happens so fast you almost feel as though you are holding your breath and when you finally breathe it's surprising you still are.

On the flipside it's frustrating for your support team. They are sad to see you go through this! They may be tired of hearing how you plan on leaving but haven't or if you have you've gone back. (Maybe again and again)

Walking away is a lonely time. It's a lot different then leaving a "normal relationship". How so?

With a normal breakup there is still loneliness, tears and venting.

When you leave a DV relationship there is fear, potentially: Death threats/promises, stalking, damage to property or even physical attacks.  There is a thin line between life and death when you are attempting to get out.

Dare I remind you of those that get out and either go back or jump into another relationship with a different abuser. Many times because of not wanting to be alone. Just wanting to feel safe. Loved and wanted.

I can say leave the Toaster, screw the house, other belongings, leave the revenge and just leave.

Get out with your dignity, for safety, your pride and your life.

You Dearest Blog reader are worth MORE then physical THINGS. Those can be replaced and YOU CAN NOT!

Is there a Happily ever after? Sort of.

This life I am living now is so darned surreal that it feels as though if someone pinches me I'll wake up back at the hands of my abuser. Seriously!

Mr. Awesome and I still have issues but it's nothing like my first marriage.

I still haven't forgiven myself for screwing up my kids. And dare I say if you have children leave as soon as you can before it gets too late! Don't wait until they are older or stay because you don't believe in divorce (if you are married) or staying because you don't want the hassle of telling your child why Mom and Dad aren't together anymore.

That can be handled gently. Counseling if needed.

While walking away can be scary. It can also be a whole new life for you! One that you never dreamed.

Walking away may mean you totally start over in a new area (check legally about how far you can take your child before taking them too far in our area of Northern IN you are allowed to take child within 130 mile radius).

Walking away means you can reinvent yourself!

Walking away means you can be free and safe. By taking precautions first! Such as ditching your cell phone (request a new number) or block your abuser. I like the idea of getting a new cell instead so you can pick and choose those you trust to have the number.

Go dark during this time. What do I mean? Hop off social media, dating sites, or party scene. Learn to love "You"! See this My Bucket List and this Positive Mantras.

Why hop off social media and such? After you leave you "May" feel like a kid in the candy store when no one is around. You may do things you later regret. It could turn into a party time for you where you should be healing you and your wee ones. Mr. Awesome calls that period of 2 years or so the 2 year crazies. In his experience he saw friends go off the deep end to catch up on the fun they think they missed out on.

As a victim turned Survivor, getting healthy inside and out is a MUST! You don't realize how hurt you are until you are away from that situation. I'm talking months to years later do you realize. You may be thinking you weren't that effected. Give me the benefit of the doubt please.

Take time to heal yourself. 

Surround yourself with a tribe of support and loving people. This may mean ditching old friends or changing your lifestyle to a more positive one.

The point of this is to just take time for you.

I sound redundant I know!

I also know these things from experience. Not to nag but to hopefully give advise on what worked for me. 

Don't give up on your dreams. Don't give up on yourself. Your not a failure or useless.

You are:

Beautiful
Worthy of happiness
Wonderful
Deserving of a safe environment

Plan if you need to but don't give up! I believe in you!

I hope your day is as wonderful as you are Dear Blog reader!

BIG HUGS!

~Mel

New campaigns and leaving your abuser

Have you heard of some great programs recently to help Victims?

Service that will move Victims, see story here: 

http://www.people.com/article/california-moving-company-moves-domestic-violence-victism-free

Also "The Black Dot campaign" When someone shared this on FB I was very excited to hear about it. I did check the internet to find our more info on this organization and found Snopes states it is a false system as many hospital workers and law enforcement are not trained to look for a black dot on a victims hand. Check out the group on FB-https://www.facebook.com/Black-Dot-Campaign-Supporters-838246062962711

I am hope to hear of more activism or info on training our health care workers or law enforcement to recognize this. I reached out to the group Admin to inquire how I could help but received info on purchasing T-shirts. While I am definitely super happy to find out how to bring attention and help others silently get help and I'm not sure I feel comfortable yet supporting this group. I think the vision is awesome! I'll keep watch on this organization. 

So what do you do when you find yourself in this situation of wanting help but not sure where to go?

Or perhaps you have a friend or relative that needs help and you are unsure how to help. Here is a few bits of info!

The National Domestic Violence Hotline-1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) http://www.thehotline.org/

Check with your local shelters in your area. If you are unsure or just feel you can not locate this info safely on your home computer find a friend or relative to help you. I am always happy to help so don't hesitate to email me privately-melindaallen1970@gmail.com.

Check out my other posts on Safety and Checklist for leaving your abuser for information for steps. Document everything that you can, emails, text message, voice mails and keep a journal of these things or to help you cope with your current situation and past. Sometimes when you are going through a dangerous situation you may not be able to see the trees through the forest. The time of separation is "Survival mode", you may be hyper sensitive right now. You may cry, scream, feel elated one minute and the next feel utter despair.

You are in a different situation in comparison to those that are not a victim of abuse. Don't feel defeated if you still consider going back to your partner. Don't feel terrible if you let your partner get to you or hold financial or health issues and he/she will take care of you if you come back. Or state that are will not be able to make it on your own with no money or home to call your own.

You are not a terrible person if you go back. You do have to hit rock bottom before you finally leave for good. "You" are the one that will know when it is time to leave. It may take a week, months or years. I beg you if your children or pets are being hurt to get help ASAP! If you can't leave for you please think of your children or furbabies. 

It was the first hard thing I had to do, the second hardest was to stay away from him. That meant blocking his number, not letting him know where I was, making sure I kept contact when I had to talk with him to a minimum. I didn't get back to him right away,when he called and you know what? It felt pretty dang good I didn't have to jump when he said jump! 

Of course if it's an emergency please make sure you keep record of what the urgency is. Now if someone is in the hospital THAT is an emergency. If your abuser doesn't remember passwords, financial info or how to wipe his/her butt, too bad! Your not responsible. Your job is to stay safe, get help and find sanity during this rough time. 

I'm not going to lie, the next few years are going to be rough. Get counseling if you need to! What worked for me may not work for you. You have to find what makes you comfortable to help heal and get through this roller coaster. 

Being free may mean you get a little wild or want to show up your abuser, staying out partying. Please don't! I'm not saying you can't have fun, but please do so responsibly! Don't advertise your outings so you don't bump into your abuser. Remember safety in numbers. Make sure you always go out with someone trusted or call someone to let them know of your day in case something happens to you.

This is information overload! Take your time and go through my blog and glean what you can. Remember this is not your fault. You will get through it, this takes work and it helps to have a trusted supportive person to bounce situations and information off of. Try not to take offense to the suggestions or advice this person gives you. You are right in the mix of a potentially dangerous situation and you may not be thinking clearly. Step back, breathe, find a safe way to decompress. 

*Pray/Read the Bible- If you have any questions about the Lord or don't have a Bible drop me a line, I would be happy to discuss this with you privately about how good God has been even when I was pushed over the edge.

*Spend time with your kids/furbabies or loved ones.

*Exercise

*Meditate

*Find a hobby that you enjoy

*Get out and hug a tree or ground yourself for at least 20 minutes a day.

*Talk to a friend or professional

*Plan for your future

*Journal

*Take a hot bath for at least 20 minutes or as long as you can with Epsom salts, essential oils, or herbs, soft music and candles. Don't be afraid to cry during this time. When you pull the drain envision all of your worries and negative emotions going down the drain.

*Try alternative healing- Reiki, Vision Boards, Yoga, Reflexology (Hey I know a great Reflexologist if you are in the NW Indiana area- Me!) 

*Create a Bucket list or think of things you always wanted to do and DO THEM!

*Read a good book

These are just a few things you can do to help you heal and find some normalcy. I hope it helps! 

Stay safe!
God bless,
Mel