Are you curious why you should leave a paper trail?
Here is some background on one quote I found recently. I have been picking brains of those that are on the public speaking circuit and professional speaker, (God bless her patience!) Emily was wonderful to share tips and The Speaker Lab podcast! This helped her get started with her business. Since I am so green and have knocking knee about being in front of a crowd I thought this was the best information and podcast I have found!
Now here is the reason I bring this up. Grant the Public Speaker Ninja, was talking about contracts and he once heard that "A paper trail is a "safe trail". I liked that!
Which brings me to the subject post! So what is kind of paper am I talking about and why is it so dang important?
When I first left my abuser I hadn't thought much of taking paperwork. It wasn't until that first experience did I realize the importance.
What types of paper I am referring to is:
Previous years income tax filings
Pay stubs (If your partner is receiving funds under the table and there is some sort of documentation that is SUPER important.)
Medical cards/files/prescriptions
Marriage/Birth Certificates
Mortgage/Rent contract
Business contracts/info (If you own this on your own or with your abuser.)
Auto Registration
Auto insurance information
401k or other investment information
Credit card bills/other misc. bills
Student Loans
Children's school information
Photos- Of the abuse or just cherished photos
If you have all of this and any other relevant papers make copies. Concerned this will be noticed?
Consider copying one at a time. Mail the copies to a trusted friend or relative. You may want to get a PO Box. A small box is pretty reasonable. I have found one as cheap as $40 for a year. These do vary! So check around your local area.
Most of everything on this list will be asked for by the court or your attorney.
Now for the unpleasant stuff.
I am going to be upfront and honest with you. The first 24 to 48 hours after leaving an abuser can be the most volatile. Make sure you keep your phone off or block your abuser's number. It can be tempting to answer his/her calls or text messages. I beg you to please not do so!
If by chance you forget to do those steps then please keep track of the messages (text and voicemails). Perhaps, this person figures out where you are staying and comes by. Call the police! That is first and foremost! For your safety and if you have children.
File a police report. This may start to feel tedious and as though your abuser is just getting away with everything. It can be quite frustrating! Trust me, even if that order has been violated a bunch of times it's not in vain! If your state or city is pretty lax these incidents can build up a case against them.
Keep a journal of all of the contact with dates, times, and where these things occur.
These can be used in the future as well. The trick in all of this is to remain calm. This can be hard when you are experiencing someone that is stalking you, showing up at your place, or threatening you or your children. Take reasonable safety measures to keep yourself safe. Here are some tips from a previous blog post- Keep yourself safe after you leave.
You may end up with a HUGE file box with paperwork. That's fine! I had 2 legal paper boxes and 2 red rope files with information about everything going on. It seems ridiculous but this did a few things for me.
It gave me something else to do besides cry and feeling hopeless. It empowered me to say, NEVER AGAIN!
I encourage you to journal as well during this time. This can help you with noting the events right after they happen so they are fresh and can be shared with your attorney, GAL, Doctor, or advocate involved.
I hope this helps you on your journey. I also hope this doesn't dissuade you from leaving. Leaving is the best thing I ever did for myself and the hardest thing I have ever done. I've mentioned it in the past. I hate to sound like a broken record.
Do you need help right now? Please contact the police! They are happy to help before a situation takes a dire turn. If you don't feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the non-emergency number of the police station (Many times they can give you resources that can help) or contact your local shelter. There is also- The Hotline or NCADV.
Whichever you choose please know you are not alone. Many women and men are there to help you through your situation. If you aren't ready for that and need to talk confide in a close relative or friend and of course, please don't hesitate to send me a private message here, or blessmeplz@gmail.com or on my FB page- Hope when there was none.
I am sharing awareness by setting up book signings, events, and speaking engagements. Here is where you can catch me next! Find my books here-AmazonWould you do me a favor and recommend me to your church, school, or group? My mission is to inform, educate and empower by sharing my story.
I hope you are safe and know that you are loved by me but by many others around you.
BIG HUGS,
Mel
I love the fact that you are sharing this important information. I was in a very abusive relationship years ago and felt so alone at the time. It is incredibly important for people to know they are NOT alone and that they DESERVE better! People definitely need to be aware that they need to be prepared to leave for their safety and well-being. Leaving is hard feeling (and being) so beaten down. The abuser definitely gets in our heads. I am so thankful that a friend of mine helped me through the process of leaving. Thank you for shedding light on this topic! It will make a difference in the lives of others!
ReplyDeleteHi Sherry! I'm sorry for the late reply. I appreciate that! I agree with your awesome comment! I am so proud of you for leaving!!! A good friend is definitely what people that need in an abusive relationship. God bless!
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