Safety Planning For The Holidays

 

The holidays can be a volatile time for a victim. This time of the year can be a cause for financial hardship, employment issues, and more. How can you keep yourself safe or help a loved one in an abusive situation?

If you are a family member or friend with someone in an abusive situation it can be hard to watch the roller coaster of emotions watching from the outside. 

• Consider checking in with your loved one may be difficult as the abuser tries to maintain control of the victim as much as they can. They may monitor calls, texts, emails, and so on try to figure out a plan for contacting when it's safe for the victim. Think about having a code word (safe word) between the two of you in case they need you to come over, contact the police, or need to leave.

• If the victim is traveling with the abuser ask for an itinerary of how they will be traveling and where they will stay if traveling overnight.

• Consider giving or keeping a stash of money for an emergency if she needs to leave right away. This can be used for a car ride or for an overnight hotel stay.

• Check out what available shelters are nearby if she needs to escape right away or if it's safe to offer to let her stay with you. Time limits should also be discussed this may seem harsh but the victim can overstay her welcome or become dependent on you instead of finding her path to healing.
  
  
  

• Know the emergency numbers for whatever area she is traveling to.

• Be on standby if needed and also take a friend or support person with you. Domestic violence is just that violent and bystanders or good Samaritans can be harmed especially if they are alone in the situation. Calling law enforcement is the best suggestion for keeping all of you safe.

• Offer to babysit. Chances are she will have appointments she needs to keep. Dropping off food, gift certificates, or making a meal for them, ask if they need you to pick something up for them or run errands they may be nervous to do.

If you are a victim much of what I covered also applies but adding a bit more information.

• Keep your important numbers on speed dial-close family/friends, 911, or co-workers.

• Have a safe word or a short phrase that you can use with someone that you trust. If something goes sideways and you need help right away this is a good way to ask for help without giving your abuser a heads up that this is what you are doing.

• Use a safety app such as Aspire App to help alert your support team. Find this in your favorite App store.

• Keep your phone charged and within reach.

• Make sure to keep money on hand just in case you need to leave in a hurry.

• Do you have a family member that you are close to that can spend the holidays with you or attend the same family function with you in case the situation becomes scary.

• Try to minimize your time alone with your abuser. Try to keep space in between you and not to get backed into a room with no escape or get backed into a corner. Know your exits. Stay away from the bathroom if possible. Many bathrooms are not always designed to have a window or they may have small windows making it hard or impossible to escape.

• If you are going to a holiday gathering find out in advance if there will be alcohol, sports/gaming, or substances available during the visit.

• Sharing your situation with a neighbor can be hard. They may already know that your relationship is volatile and want to stay out of it. But, if this person is someone you trust and they seem concerned about your welfare ask if they can do a wellness check or if you have a special bulb that's lit up in emergencies they can call for help without coming to your door and putting themselves in harm's way.

• If you are meeting your abuser for a visitation exchange contact a friend to go with you. If you can not find a friend, make sure this is done either in the daylight or in a public well-lit area. Contact your local police department and give them the "Cliff note" version of your situation and ask if they can meet for the exchange. They are happy to assist with this and will give you instructions on how to handle the situation.

Consider talking with a shelter about your situation. They may be able to put together a safety plan for you in case you need to leave right away. They also may have other resources for you to use in planning. Stay safe and know you are not alone! Check out these websites:

National Domestic Violence Hotline- https://www.thehotline.org/ 

Safe Horizon- https://www.safehorizon.org/

https://www.domesticshelters.org/ 

https://internationalwomenshouse.org/get-help 

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations

Sexual Assault Hotline- https://www.rainn.org/

See today's video-based from this post here:

Tips to keep 'YOU" safe during the holidays

This time of the year is supposed to be joyous and happy but if you are a victim of abuse it can be a nightmare.

You may have heightened stressors as you potentially experience any of these:

Financial issues- lack of funds from overspending, job loss or layoff.

Getting together with family- While normally can be wonderful there could be pressures or conflict on top of dealing with your abuser.

Increased alcohol/drug use- It is not uncommon for usage of these to be more abundant.

Vacation- Your partner or loved one may be off for an extended time causing more heated exchanges.

What can you do?! 

1) Keep your phone charged at all times. Make sure you have trusted contacts on speed dial. This could be:

911 in the States for immediate assistance- Teach your children this number too! 

Family or Friend- These can help pull you out of a heated situation or act as a witness. Consider using a "Safe word" such as Gingerbread or Eggnog for a text or while you are on the phone. This can alert your person that you need help NOW.

Women's shelter

The Hotline - 1-800-799-7233   1-800-787-3224 (TTY) En Español

Safe Horizon -1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

NCADV - Resources page for National and International help

2) Along with the safe word tip, if you have a good relationship with your neighbor think about having a certain color light that can be lit when if you need assistance. If they feel comfortable they may ring the doorbell or knock to check. They could also call the police for you to do a wellness check.

3) Download a safety app such as - Circle of 6

4) If you are meeting your abuser for a visitation exchange contact a friend to go with you. If you can not find a friend, make sure this is done either in the daylight or in a public well lit area. Contact your local police department and give them the "Cliffnote" version of your situation and ask if they can meet for the exchange. They are happy to assist with this and will give you instructions on how to handle the situation. 

5) If you are still with your abuser make sure you have an escape plan. Don't back yourself into a corner or room without a window. 

6) Contact your local shelter for a Safety plan. You may not be leaving this second but empower yourself with knowledge of how to handle an escalated situation. 

Be safe! Know you are not alone in your struggle. If you need to talk feel free to message me privately. 

I started a closed group page for victims and Overcomers to share and encourage one another with respect. I will be changing this to a secret group at the beginning of the year.
Find it here to join- Hope when there was none group

Have I told you lately that I love you? 


BIG HUGS and stay safe!
Mel


P.S.- More news coming soon from my home front. 

Easter, inlaws, STBX and Order of Protection GRRFACE!

J had a call earlier about Easter tomorrow at my in-laws. Long story short, in theory, I called back a few hours later to let her know that the girls could come, but to please as usual, make sure STBX was not there before or after we dropped them off.

She said she can't do that, everyone will be there and it will be dinner time. I told her, we didn't have a problem before why is it different now. She said, she didn't know. I said, I don't know what to do then. I don't know what to tell you was her reply. I guess they aren't coming then was my response. We both said ok and hung up.

SERIOUSLY?!

Now things were pretty good between my in-laws and I. As I mentioned in a previous post STBX is making false allegations, pretending he is this "VICTIM" of long term abuse by "ME!"  HAHAHAHA!

He is a 300 lb man that doesn't take crap from anyone. He has threatened to burn his parents home down in 2009 if she allowed me to visit they're home. About 4 to 6 months ago things were fine, now all of a sudden something changed. I am tempted to call her, but you know I don't think I will waste my breath. As I mentioned blood is thicker then water. I am frustrated and confused at the sudden change. Apparently she thinks all I want to do is get her son in trouble.

SERIOUSLY?!

HMMMM! The man is a total mental case, not something I am just rattling off as a mean wench it is black and white on paper. He is psychotic, delusional, was diagnosed in 2007with Intermitten Explosive Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, Sex addict, Obsessive and Borderline Personality Disorder. His first psychatrist warned me never to take him back. I didn't heed his words and fell for his charms again. Feeling sorry for him. Oh I can go on and on...

The thing is every stinking time that man has had me alone or in close range he has lashed out at me in some way. So now I need to trust that he won't try something now? OH WAIT! If he hasn't done anything by now he won't right? At least that is what he is telling everyone.

The man used to see people coming out of the walls, hear voices, see bugs that weren't there, (He would wake me up in a panic and we would rip the room apart looking for this "bug"), he would see writing in red on the ceiling or walls but he could not tell what language it was. He saw shadows, he was paranoid that people were outside watching us or following us. Or someone was viewing us through our TV or Webcam when they weren't on.

I lived with this man for over 17 years! I think I know him, I know how he ticks, I knew when to stay out of his way. I didn't know while I wasn't home what he was doing to those kids! I didn't know he was threatening them not to tell me about him hitting M or J or yelling at them. They were not allowed to call me. He didn't like the fact they "Liked" me better. I'm just peeved now. I'm sure they will use this in court that I am witholding visits. Great! I have no issue with them visiting I just want to ensure they can be dropped off safely. OH BETTER YET I just had an idea... BOOHAHAHAHA!

I need to make sure I am safe and the kids are safe at all times. I don't want any incidents of any kind to ruin a visit, so I had an idea... I have to make a call first to see if it is do-able...I'll let you know how it went! It's legal!

Holiday memories

Reposting many of my older blogs from Myspace- Holidays

3/28/2009

I keep wanting to stop and head to bed, but I have these thoughts in my mind, theses memories. Like a stain on your clothes that you can not get out. I don't mean to skip times around but I will do that as the memory strikes me, so bear with me.

I grew to hate the holidays. I had always imagined theat the holiday's would (should) be filled with cheer and anticipation of al the upcoming event with family and friends. It became such a chore! Everything needing to be just right. I never had help with the Christmas tree, though the outside decorating became his domain from time to time. Heaven forbid I did not do something to his liking and there were times I did do the lights and decorating outside, like usual there was fault in that. One would ask why did I do things to irritate him if I knew that it bothered him? Things like that changed like the wind. It was a rollercoaster ride daily, not knowing if it was going to be good or bad. Something that bothered him one day maybe ok a day, month or season later.

I had always pictured when I was married, for my mate and me to be a team, helping every step of the way and having fun while doing so. He usually sat on a chair and supervised. It had to be done quick and he would usually find something to complain about. I loved to bake but the cookies almost a always turned out wrong. I started to hate the holidays, I envied other families that seemed to have it together. Other families that had gingerbread houses decorated as a family. Families that baked cookies together, families that ate meals together without the diversion of the T.V. Or even tree trimming parties! Holiday's were always a chore that I dreaded. Now some of these things sound harmless enough but living it and just reading this is two different things.

The seconds leading up to when the family arrived would be a bear! No one saw or heard what was said, but my STBX's Mom  would notice things, she would normally be the first one to arrive. She could see that I was hurting, or getting done crying. I am a terrible liar and she would see right through me, watching my facial expressions or reading me like a book, which is not hard to do. She would ask me if he hurt me or the kids and all I would do was nod or look down. I would beg for her not to say anything to him. Get his plate?! If I didn't I would pay for it later. He would give me a nasty look that would freeze ice and I knew I was in trouble later after everyone left.

I would joke with the family and most of the time he thought any jokes were at his expense even if it was a totally different reason for any joking. Anone that seemed like they were making fun of him would cause him grief, he would grill me why I never stuck up for him with whatever the drama was. Even if I hadn't heard the conversation there was always some payback tor words he would say to me. He always asked me to step in and mediate against whatever person ticked him off. Why did I never stick up for him is what he would ask.
I could not bring myself to stand up for things I did not believe was right. This stirs up a whole new topic!