Your not worthless!

During the dark times of some altercations with your abuser, it can be quite drag your spirit down, creating a tangled web of sadness, depression and in some cases a feeling of being worthy of anything good. 

You may not feel desirable.
You may not feel worthy
You may feel like the stupidest or laziest or ugliest or fattest person around
You may feel like a terrible Wife/Partner or Mother

Tuning our or forgetting out those mean words or actions of your Gaslighter can be one of the hardest things to do. As a sufferer of PTSD, it can be quite hard to let go of the past. I don't want to glorify or have a pity party for me or what I went through, and my memories are my worst enemy! Sometimes the triggers or flashbacks are so intense, breath-taking that I can actually hear the nasty words and see the actions of my abuser. I get so angry at myself for getting worked up! I get angry that it seems as though he still has control of my mind to cause distress or anxiety now over 3 years later. I am frustrated with myself for feeling gripped by fear when I see a car that looks like his or someone that looks like him.

I am frustrated with still feeling unworthy of happiness and of better life for me (for us). I usually throw up my face to the Lord and pray or read my Bible to ease my heart and mind. Of course Terry has been great for me to calm me down and remind me I'm none of those things, that I am safe, that I am out of that situation and that my ex is an *sshol*!

Lately, my girls have been telling or reminding me of different situations they remember their dad and I having some confrontation. They are remembering him hitting me, screaming at me and putting me down. I feel so embarrassed for various reasons. First, that they had to witness those times and secondly, that I let him do that to me. Your abuser will only do what you allow them to do to you. I realize this now. I know! I know! Quit harping on this sadness already! I got to tell you that this is one chapter of my life I wish was closed, but in doing so I can't heal. I desperately want to forget and want it to go away. 

After I left my abuser I found many quotes from various places to lift my spirits and some are to use when speaking to my abuser (many did not give him the same feelings I had from them :)  ) Of course many are from my Bible! But I'll share some of the many others that make me smile or remind me that I am strong, safe, and worthy of happiness!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Knowledge is power. Know your opponent. Act, do not react. Take the offensive, not the defensive. Realize your strength and trust yourself!

I am doing something that I believe in, and it doesn't exactly match your plan. Call me later when you want to discuss the issues. It's your job to fix your life.

When I am treated with dignity and respect, then I will make a choice to have him in my life. Until he does, he is completely out!

Do what is right not necessarily what is easy...

Don't second guess yourself

Know that the destination is always easier then the journey

Trust your intution!

Just take yourself out of the relationship in one piece if you can. All that other stuff can be replaced!

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

There's always a time for what God asks us to do
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Dear reader! You are worthy! Just like me! Our circumstances for however we got to this place doesn't mean anything. Your here right now. If you are still kicking around if you should go, ask yourself, if you have children or a close friend/relative, would you want them in the situation you are in?

Don't doubt yourself! If a person doesn't hit you, or break your bones that doesn't mean they aren't breaking your heart, spirit and joy from words or mind games! If you think it's not normal behavior then it's probably not! Trust your guts! Listen to your friends/child(ren)/ loved ones about your partner. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see the "full picture" and there is a small or large amount of fear that you will be alone if you leave or tell him/her to leave. Being alone is nothing compared to being killed physically, mentally or emotionally from your abuser!

Staying because you have "Stuff?" or a "House" or "Bills" or contract binding the 2 of your together legally for some reason? EXCUSES! When will you leave? Wait until your dead/hurt? Or your child(ren) is hurt or killed?

WAKE UP! Read the paper! Watch the news! Everyday there is a horrible story of neglect, murder, rape or assault on a victim of abuse! Will you be one of them someday? Leave! Make a paper trail of the abuse with police! Don't let your abuser get away with it!

You are WORTHY!
You can SURVIVE!
You can  find HAPPINESS!

WITHOUT the abuse!

You will not dry up and die without your abuser in your life (despite what your abuser says!) "You'll never make it without me/my money!" OR "No one will want you!" OR "You aren't taking the house/apartment! You live with what you have on!"

GO! Start planning NOW! I DARE YOU!
Remember you are not worthless...

Be safe! Blessings and prayers!
Mel







*If you know someone that is being abused, please be a shoulder, lend an ear, and remind them they are not alone! Please forward this blog to them! Find local shelters for them or go with them to the Police. Do not feel bad if they go back to they're abuser. I met many women that go back 2, 3, 5, 10 times or more! (Me personally went back too many times) Have them check out the Safety plan and Safety labels here. Stay safe!*

Yea, that's me the single gal YIPPEE!

Now, I got to tell you that it is so weird to say that I'm divorced. Oh, technically the paperwork is not done in court yet, but boy does it feel GOOD!

Did I gush before that a major weight feels as though it is gone?! While the threat of our personal safety is still a high priority, I am savoring this feeling. I relish the thoughts of being unattached. While Terry is so trusting and kind there is no worries that I won't just start bar hopping or sporting a sleeve of tats (mind you if that's your lifestyle I am not bashing it, that is just not me).

My sister, Amanda, made a comment to me while over a few days back, "Doesn't it feel good to take your time and not have to worry about coming home fast?". It did! I can browse at a store for hours if I want. Terry doesn't mind. He TRUSTS me. In a "normal" relationship you "CAN" have that! Honest!

Now the good, the bad and the ugly part of this whole big circus is:
The Good- It's over! And though it took so dang long. God had a plan to keep us safe. Heaven's to Betsy (Yes I really do talk this way, I cleaned up the potty talk many years ago, though in the passion of a nasty card game or when I'm with my sisters I have been known to toss some old habits freely about. That I'm not proud of but I'm working on it!) I moaned and whined about how long the process took. I truly believe that if it were a quick divorce court officials would not have been alerted about how unstable my Ex is (I love the sound of that "Ex"!)

The Bad- The continued abuse (physical up until the end of Aug 2009 and the mind games which was last played in June 2012 before court)

The Ugly- The kids being used (not unusual). It burns my buns that he could give a rats bum about the kids but he will not give up Parental rights just to mess with me. That's the control thing he wants to keep over me. Of course, let's not forget the dark obsession this man has for me.

I was alerted recently about my Ex asking a favor of someone. They blew him off and were kind enough to caution me to be careful. I consider this part of the bad that hangs around me from time to time like knowing you have a pimple threatening to poke out from you nose any minute. Or a cat ready to pounce on it's prey.

So Dear blog reader! I hope you have gleaned some information from me that has kept you safe or perhaps that gives you a strange bit of comfort that you are not alone! There are thousands of women, men or children out there that are currently being abused in some form. If you are one of them, please make the jump to leave. It is scary! It's hard and it is tough! But staying is tougher.

Staying in a relationship that is toxic is not healthy! It is can also be the last relationship you ever have with anyone. Want "More" from your life. Want "More" for your family! Abuse of any kind is NOT normal!



Staying with your abuser because of the house (buying or renting) is not an excuse. Staying with the person abusing your child(ren) is only giving your abuser someone else to control and harm.

Check out my past entries on Safety planning or Safety! Tell someone about the abuse! Press charges! Leave a paper trail! Keep a journal or log of the events. Remember a small percentage of people that leave they're abusers end up in abusive relationships again. So please listen to your gut! Pay attention to the warning signs! Don't end up with another loser!

I'm sure you know by now if you have followed this blog, that I am a Christian. God has kept the kids and I safe through some nasty things. I won't preach to you, but remember that God loves you. Pray for answers or for God to give you the knowledge of when the right time to leave is if you are having trouble. Pray for him to allow people that can help you enter your life. Of course God isn't a Waiter taking your order but He is there for you.

Stay safe! Stay strong! Remember you are worthy of so much! Don't give up or give in! Your abuser will get away with abusing you as long as you let him/her. Break the silence.

BIG HUGS and PRAYERS!

Mel

You walk like a *ucking horse!

"When I walk with you stop walking like *ucking horse. You gallop when you walk when I have my arm across your shoulders! Can't you walk normal?! Stop your *ucking bouncing *hit when you walk!"

I became so self concious about how I walked when I was next to him. Paranoid, worried and scared to "gallop" walk. I became clumsy, tripping over my feet while we walked together. This of course caused him to become aggravated with me.

"What the hell?! Can't you walk with your feet in?! You walk like a damn duck!"

Oh yes, heard that one too.

"The corner of your mouth droops when you talk, stop that!"

I never noticed it until he mentioned it.

"Your teeth are so crooked. You need braces" ~ I stopped smiling really big for awhile, especially if he was around. I grew paranoid about my teeth and smile.

"Damn circles under your eyes. Put something on your eyes!"

"Droopy tits. I'm going to get you a boob job"

"Don't tilt your head like that, I can see your double chin, *cuking pig"

"Your sweating like a disgusting pig"
I'm a profuse sweater. I have always hated that! He refused to hold my hand.

"Your such a lazy fat pig"

"Worthless"

"Get a *ucking job you lazy spic"

"Your just good for one job on your back or on your knees"

"Men are pigs, they won't want you for anything else but a *uck"

I am still breaking free of hearing these things in my head. Like a tiny voice in the back of my mind I can sometimes still look in the mirror and see what he called me.

Terry says I'm beautiful! He says my smile can light up a room. He also says that despite what positive things he says that are truthful, he can't break through that negative shield that I put up when I hear those kind words. He's right and I hear him say wonderful things to me or he will sing me a tune, such as "I've had the time of my life" or some other random song and I just think he's messing with me or joking. (Saying nice things to me and not meaning them) Oh and he holds my hand, even though it gets sweaty! But I have to say that I was worried about that too!

Mind games

My Gaslighter says many of the things he sees in himself. Well maybe not the boob job for himself, but you never know... Sorry I couldn't help but supress a giggle with that one for a change.

I try to walk with my head held high and a spring in my step! I know getting the reminder of the negative crap out is a work in progress. My girls have equally heard some nasty things and they are coming along so well!

Our youngest is having nightmares due to the last vistation. Our oldest is so much like him and this is good and bad. She is head strong and doesn't easily back down (read "Her Tiny Fists). But, she can be mean spirited to her sister or hit her. She has come a long way since we first left. It is amazing! I'm proud of both! But know they're journey through this is just as hard for them.

They are both still homebodies, like Dad but that is changing a bit now that they are getting more friends. With school coming up I reminded both of them to make this the year of J or the year of A! Do one afterschool group, either Student counsel or choir to meet others. Both have friends but are shy to make new ones.

J still thinks she's fat and that she's stupid. Dad used to call her that. She does realize that she is NOT the reason her Dad and I split up, he told her that if I ever left him that it would be her fault and he would never talk to her again. (Oh wouldn't that be lovely!!!!). Of course he's too much of a control freak to do that.

I tell both girls how beautiful they are. They can accomplish big things! That they are smart and will be successful! I remind them that I love them and pray for a safe life for them and for us.

I many times feel so much at peace because there is no crazy man here. There is no fear. There is no one calling us names. There is no hair pulling, no physical, verbal, emotional or mental crap. That we are survivors and they don't have to take any abuse from any man or woman. They are strong!

And we don't walk like horses... But if I did, I am reminded how noble these creatures are! So, maybe walking like a horse isn't half bad!

Fainting, fake heart attacks and made up health issues

It's a wonderous thing to have triggers associated with DV. I never have any idea what exactly is going to set them off. It boggles my mind, let alone with how the effects the memories have on me, both physically and emotionally.

Terry squeezed my head and he pretended to flutter, just being his usual silly self. For some reason this triggered a memory of STBX fainting after I told him I was leaving him for the 7 or 8th time in 2008. I lost count after a time.

STBX would fall to the floor, swooning as if hit by some invisible force once he heard the words come out of my mouth that I wasn't happy and I wanted a divorce. There were times I just left him on the floor. Another time I left him slouched over while he was on the toliet. Another time he "collasped" down a few stairs. Oh my gosh, take a bow and give the man an Oscar!

At first when he did this I would cry and apologize for upsetting him. Worried and trying in vain to "wake him". As years go by it gets old. Clutching his heart or claiming he couldn't breath. Oh PLEASE! Or he would say he couldn't handle the stress of my leaving, he can't live without me or how can I be so mean? Just mind games that my Gaslighter is so good at playing.

I would say I would stay. Only to have him once again apologize for hurting me and promises he wouldn't do it again. Mushy promises of love and tenderness that would end in short order with no truth to the empty words at all. Oh they may last a few days, weeks or months but it wouldn't stay longer then that.

I don't miss that! I don't miss the craziness, the name calling, accusations of cheating or the hitting.

I don't miss crazy!

Violence is an EXCLUSIVE GROUP and CLUB!

 Join the most secretive group around!

No fee's!

Membership is exclusive!

What's the catch you ask?!

Why it will cost you:

Your dignity

Your self esteem

Your self worth

Friends

Family

A pattern of violence (physical, mental, emotional) for your children

PTSD
And the possibility of losing your life

Sound like something you want to join?

Many men, women and children didn't ask to become a member. They suffer in silence, enduring harsh situations and wishing for an end.

Sadly many have become long term members of violence only to then hang their pictures in the wall of lost hope and untimely death.

Christian Choate-
 http://www.ky3.com/news/ktla-christian-choate-boy-in-cage,0,1122385.story

Josh Hilberling-
http://www.whas11.com/news/national/Man-dies-in-alleged-spousal-abuse-case-123830944.html






http://askville.amazon.com/Charlotte-woman-dies-domestic-violence-case/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=66656848

http://www.wmctv.com/story/15137364/domestic-violence-suspect-shoots-at-police

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/04/mom-drives-minivan-into-hudson-river-drowning-herself-and-3-kids-/1

http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-mom-kills-baby-in-microwave,0,3035847.story

These are just a few stories in the mix of thousands that have occured over the years. Many popular stories are those of the now infamous Casey Anthony, Andrea Yates, Scott Peterson and Drew Peterson.

The stories are horrifying, true and so unimaginable. I'm disgusted and appalled by the lack of reason and lack of justice for the victims of these senseless crimes. Yet many are continually subjected to suffer in silence daily. The stories above are extreme and horrible. But sadly to say these are the times we live in. Where is the humanity? Where is the justice for these victims?

This is an exclusive club which at times is glamorized by Hollywood cashing in on tragic circumstances when it happens to one of them. Oh sure it's nice that it's brought to our attention but when those 5 mins of noterity fade we are once again left with countless victims afraid to speak out before it's too late.

No you don't have to be beaten, raped or killed in order to suffer from Domestic violence. Words hurt as much as a fist. You can easily cut someone to pieces with a few mere words and say them over and over to the victim they believe them.Victims of verbal abuse can be led to think they are crazy, stupid, dumb, useless, etc... Assaulting with words can drive a person mad enough to take they're lives or the lives of others.

Still want to join the club? Or just to be a supporter by watching or standing by while someone suffers in silence? Please get help for someone that is a victim of violence! You maybe the only hope they have left. In many cases you can file a report without having to leave your name.

And if you are a victim, get out and leave as soon as you can before it's too late...
National Domestic Violence Hotline- http://www.thehotline.org/   800-799-SAFE

There is hope.

No excuses! There are shelters and organizations to help you if you are a victim! Don't be a statistic and don't wait until it's too late.

God bless and stay safe!

Fear and leaving

"You are a piece worthless piece of *hit!"
"Get out of my face! You make me sick!"
"You won't make it without me!"

These words and more can make a person, man/woman/child heartsick.

Words can paralyze you and devaste you.

Fear can grip at your heart causing you to rethink any plans or thoughts of making an escape.

You second guess yourself.

You may believe after time everything he/she says is true. You think to yourself that you are worthless, you aren't with a damn, you are (fat, lazy, stupid or fill in the blank), you won't be able to survive without this person.

WRONG!

It is hard to make that step and to never to return.

It is hard to file that Order of Protection or to take steps to call the police.

It is hard to start again!

BUT,

You CAN do it!
You CAN survive alone!
You CAN make a new life
You CAN make a better life
And you CAN be FREE!

Fear keeps many victims tied to they're abuser. Fear is the biggest reasons I stayed with my abuser. And to this day there is a bit of fear left over, residual fear that still knocks the wind out of me from time to time.

I had a nightmare the other day and I woke up upset. It is bad enough to still dream about the abuse and my abuser but it is worse because in my dream I woke up in my dream still with my abuser! I had to wake myself up again and breathed a sigh of relief it was just a dream!

Of course I couldn't fall back to sleep because all I saw was my abuser again when I closed my eyes. In my dream I didn't see his face (I know it well) I just woke up in my dream with his back turned to me and I know what his back looks like and our old bedroom.

Fear had a hold of my heart again, briefly and quickly. The rest of the day was a blur but that dream haunted me for the the remaining days ahead.

Financially many are held hostage by their abusers. Mental games are often used as often as name calling and put down's. With the fear of being homeless or penniless on a mind of a victim this can keep a person tied to they're  partner for years! I am still married to my abuser, though I pray for a day when we are can be set for a Finalization court date, I have the knowledge that I am free of never having to cater to his whims and wishes any more.

I don't have to be played with emotionally or have to listen to his ranting or raving. And I don't have the fear of when he gets home what is going to happen with the rest of my day/evening.

Though I still have fear about what my children will go through unsupervised with this man. I have armed them with the knowledge that they don't have to take his crap. They can still respect the man but they do not have to like his behavior now put up with it.

Thankfully we have had supervised visits for over 2 years and this has given them time to heal and become stronger.

Fear

Small word that causes BIG emotions and can do so much to a person.

Learning to control your own fears and moving on is a process that is slow and won't happen overnight. Learning to love oneself and to be able to talk to others about fear is a tool that many victims need to have on the road to recovering from abuse.

Fear is for a thrill ride
Fear is for a scary movie
Fear is for icky shots or medical procedures
Fear is not allowable in a relationship
Fear is not part of love
Fear is not allowed to grip your heart to terriorize you
Fear is should not keep you from leaving your abuser

Reactive Abuse

Escape Abuse!

“…stop making out people to be evil if they fight back. Or run away. As in divorce. You cannot force people to submit to abuse. That is the Sin of Sodom, otherwise known as making someone bend over for it. It violates the Laws of Nature. And common sense.” - Kathy Krajco
http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=118
Dedicated to Anyone Who Has Ever Been in an Abusive Relationship

« Why Couples Counseling in Abusive Relationships Doesn't Work

Personal Responsibility »

Let's Talk About Reactive Abuse

Feb 8th, 2008 by admin

"...stop making out people to be evil if they fight back. Or run away. As in divorce. You cannot force people to submit to abuse. That is the Sin of Sodom, otherwise known as making someone bend over for it. It violates the Laws of Nature. And common sense." - Kathy Krajco

If you've ever been in an abusive relationship like I have, it's likely your abuser tried to convince you that YOU are the abusive one: that YOU have PMS (a favorite accusation of male partners), YOU are over-reacting, YOU are the crazy one, that YOU are responsible for all the issues in the relationship, that YOU are the "time-bomb" that explodes on a regular basis. My ex-abuser even called me "Time Bomb" and mocked me about my reactions and responses to his constant abuse during the last 3-3.5 years of our relationship.
It's a pretty safe assumption that if you're getting this type of constant blame, mockery, and guilting from a partner in response to any and all issues that arise, you're in an abusive relationship.
As for your partner's assertion, yes - you may have sent angry emails or yelled or slammed doors or called names. So your abuser claims YOU were abusing him/her.
But it's more likely you were REACTING to being abused by your partner. What can make it even more difficult for you to see and understand at this point is that some of their abuse may be subtle and covert rather than obvious and overt. This causes further difficulty for you in identifying the abuse - and makes it easier for your abuser to convince you that it's all your fault, or the problem is really with YOU - that you're "crazy", or "imagining things".
They'll abuse you, and when you react to that abuse, they accuse YOU of abusing THEM and they play the victim role. They don't call it "crazymaking" for nothing!
This is the stage at which an abused partner often describes as being in the "fog" of abuse. Their abusive partner has guilted them in to accepting ALL blame for the issues in the relationship, and caused them to doubt their own perceptions of the mistreatment they're receiving.
It's not at all unusual for a person in an abusive relationship to REACT abusively. This does not mean YOU are the abuser, that you are crazy, have PMS etc. etc. - though the abusive partner will try to convince you that YOU are THE problem and will often succeed in guilting you into believing it. I believed it for a LONG time before I began to recognize and question the pattern of abuse and the subsequent constant blame for the abuse, and worse, the ensuing mockery because I dared respond at all to having been hurt by it.
An interesting thing to note is that an abusive partner will often be very calm when you are upset and angry. This is because when they have finally succeeded in causing your reaction of hurt, upset or anger, then THEY are in power and control over you. THIS is what abuse is about: POWER and CONTROL. And like a drug addict, they get a lot of satisfaction out of that feeling of power and control. Abusers are very disordered people in this way.
The important thing for you to know is that this relationship and this person is toxic, unhealthy, and you need to get out of it and away from this person ASAP. They are emotional vampires, sucking away from you every iota of self-esteem and spirit you ever had. (then they will complain when you have none!)
If someone can drive you to be so upset on a regular basis (and abusers are experts at this - it gives them the sense of superiority, power and control they absolutely LIVE for) then the best thing to do is GET OUT and have NO FURTHER contact with that toxic person, if it is possible for you to do so.

The thing with abusers is that they are pathologically backwards people.
Lundy Bancroft touches on this in his book. Abusive, toxic people only consider and notice THEIR own feelings and their partner's behavior. They never, EVER consider or notice their PARTNER'S FEELINGS and their own behavior.
When they're abusive, (verbally, emotionally, sexually, physically, financially - covertly or overtly) it is always someone else's fault. When their partner/victim finally reacts to that abuse with anger or upset at having been abused - then that is their partner/victim's fault too.
In their minds, it never gets down to their OWN behavior and how it affects their partner's feelings. They like to pretend that isn't relevant, or anything they should ever be responsible for. They ALWAYS lack empathy for their partners (beyond the early "romance" stages when they're trying to pull you in). This lack of empathy is the mark of the beast of abuse - more than anything else.
Here's some information that may also help explain this "reactive abuse" concept a little more:
How do you know that you are not the one who is crazy or PMS'ing and that he is really emotionally abusive?

Answer

You are being abused if:
(1) He repeats a certain behavior (ie: pattern of behavior)
(2) You asked him to stop (for whatever reason).
(3) He refuses and continues to behave the way he has.
You may well be abusing him - but that does not mean that he is not being abusive towards you. Both parties are sometimes abusive towards each other.
People who are abusers rarely consider that they might be abusive. Even if the stresses of the relationship lead into what might be considered reactive abuse, anyone who honestly tries to adjust to the other person's actual needs, actively listens to the other person, and makes every attempt to stop such behavior, probably is not an abuser.
Abusers do not take responsibility for their own behavior, and in fact often blame the person they're abusing for it. When the abused person reacts to the abuse, the abuser claims their reaction is abuse, and will use guilt to try to get their partner to feel responsible for the abuser's behavior.
This is one of the reasons getting away from an abuser is so important. Everything clarifies then.

Domestic Violence Survivor stories

You can google or bing or whatever until your hearts content about so many different topics my head spins and there are times I have to pry myself away from the computer to actually get thing around the house done. I have found countless blogs on DV or some form of abuse. The thing that amazes me (and shouldn't) is how similar the Survivors stories are. Oh no matter if he/she pulled a trigger or pulled a knife. The steps that lead up to the violence is almost so similiar it's spooky.

Many Abusers were victims once themselves and some have other addictions that have led them to abusing others (for a small percentage this is totally out of the blue). Whether it is a mental condition, drug induced, alcohol, past experience or whatever the excuse. The behavior is not excusable! The abuser knows this is unacceptable. Placing blame on victims in order to make themselves feel better for the beatings, the put downs or for harming the kids. Blaming any abuse on a bad day or if the victim had done something to please him/her they wouldn't have had to lose control.

Control? Funny little word when you think of it. Control starts slowly, subtly at first and you almost do not realize that he/she has got it until your too late. You lost your sense of worth, you lost your sense of being, you may hate yourself, have a terrible self esteem, feel you can not do anything right, you look in the mirror and belittle your appearance. You may start to berate your children or others around you. You find you are spiraling down a circle into not only feelings of lost hope but of never being able to break free.

So you stay.

Your abuser may tell you that you are nothing without them
You will never amount to anything
You won't survive without them
You will never find anyone to love you like they do (now wouldn't that be lovely!)
They will kill your children or you if you try to leave

They will do or say whatever they have to in order to maintain control. When that control begins to unravel, hold onto your butt! He/she can go extreme! Be prepared and don't give in! "YOU" take back the control! "YOU" are worth it! "YOU can do it!"

I've said it time and time again, if you can't leave for you. Leave for your children! Leave before you end up on the evening news or splashed on the front headlines on the web! Stepping out that door and leaving may be one of the hardest things you have to do. But aren't your children and you worth it? Get back the control! Get back your life! You can do it! No matter how young or old! Don't wait for the kids to all get out of high school or give the excuse about uprooting the family. YOU are important! YOU matter! YOU can be strong!

Visit http://www.dealingwithviolence.com/ for a Survivor's inspiring story! She is a AWESOME lady that still deals with the past abuse, but she is a wonderful strong lady that can inspire YOU to get the control back!

Me, myself and my abuser

It's going on 2 1/2 years now since I have been gone. Today actually makes a pivitol time for me as this marks the first time I left my abuser in 2007. I was working at the "shop" (antique shop) with my sister in law and mom in law. I had all three kids with me, M, J and A, so they could celebrate a small gathering we planned for the Dealers we had there. STBX was not happy that I was not rushing home after the shop closed and he was very vocal over the phone about it.

He knew we had planned this for over a month. We tried to do things regularly to socialize and keep morale high with our Dealers and customers. Not even a half hour into the gathering, he called, threatening that if I didn't get my "ass" home within a half hour later he was going to kick my ass. I choose not to go home. My inlaws knew I was upset so they immediately started to pelt me with questions and concerns. I called a women's shelter that was near by to see if they had room for us. We had just the clothes on our backs, nothing else. My inlaws gave us some money, about $100, gave us kisses and hugs and we left right away.

STBX was calling all over for us and he was searching all night. He did figure out where we were eventually. Long story short, he ended up at St. Margaret Hospital psych ward for a suicide attempt. I took him back after he pleaded and promised to be better. That was short lived, each time he promised he would be better he would find other ways to harm me and the kids, either by verbal abuse or some sort of physical threat to harm me or the kids or head games (mental).

He would ask me which kid I wanted dead. Because if I left him he would kill one of them. If I left him he would kill the kids during any kind of overnight they would have with him down the road. It would look like an accident. No one would be the wiser. He would take everything he could away from me...That threat still pretty fresh in my mind.

In the fall of 2008 it was time to go, I wasn't sure when and I prayed to God to know when the right time was. Looking back there was no "Right time", anytime is the right time to go. But I waited until Feb 2009 to leave. It seemed right, R was back to work and that was kind of what I was waiting for. I would do it over again. There are a few things I would have been different, a few things I would have taken with me and I would have called the police more often. I wouldn't have took any of his calls or listened to his rantings. He will never change.

This morning I'm being bombarded by text messages from my son. He talks about how he wishes I would die a horrible death. That I destroyed the relationship between him and I. That his sisters are disrespectful. Apparently he has his Dad's phone and he is texting me through that... It is going on and on. Of course I have the belief that it is STBX and not M. But I'm not sure now.

Yestreday Terry had court for the false Order of Protection. He was stunned that the court ruled that the OP stands and will now be placed with our divorce. WOW! I'm not sure how they could do that, but seeing that custody or removal of the girls from my custody is a possibility it sounds like this is why. GRRFACE! Terry just wanted it dismissed and he was also in disbelief that under oath STBX and M lied about the incident. I nodded my head that I was not surprised. Both of them believe the stories they have woven together as one. Both see only what they want to see and no one is the wiser. No one can tell them different.

I'm still getting text messages, 18 in all so far... All nasty and blaming me for the demise of the marriage. The only truth being that I wished I left the marriage earlier. To the police station I go to file yet another report against these 2. It's both frustrating and sad. I want us to be left alone. My son is a Gaslighter in training...

YOUR Pesonal BIll of Rights!

I saw this reposted from Veronica Cafemom and immediately thought to myself it sounds like "ME!" It is a friendly reminder that I am safe now, I am in a place where I don't have to feel like any of these things worry me any longer. I still have many issues to work on but for the most part I am safe.

If you can relate to any of these things in your relationship right now, then you need to think about your relationship and if you want to continue to live this way with that person for the rest of your life.

You need to decide if you want the pattern of abuse to continue in your children's future relationships (if you have kids). If you can't leave for you, leave and get to safety for them!

I know the excuses. I know because I have been there. I lived it. No, the abuse does not end after you slam to door or file for divorce. In most cases it does continue. Many months after you stay away you realize that those events weren't in your head. You weren't crazy! If you have physical ailments do not be surprised if they either vanish or lessen. Stress does wonders to a body!

Be prepared for your STBX to try any tactics he can to either get you back or get even with you!
He will make false accusations
He will tell others it was your fault
He will tell others "YOU" were abusing him or the kids
He will say "HE" is the victim
He will not leave any of it alone
He will not just go away overnight
He will continue to make your life hell because he believes you need to pay!

You HAVE to be strong!
You HAVE to know you are NOT alone!
You HAVE to want more for you and your children!
You HAVE to know for yourself when enough is enough!
You HAVE to know that excuses to stay (No money, place to live, he will kill you or the kids, etc...) is not an excuse to keep living the way you are!
You CAN DO IT!
You CAN are a empowered person that deserves MORE!
YOU ARE WORTHY! Despite all the negative words he has been drilling in your head!
YOU ARE LOVEABLE!

Be STRONG and stay safe! Make a safety plan, get out, STAY OUT and be FREE! Take the first step of FAITH, go ahead and leap. Close your eyes if you have to, but jump, for your children and for you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOUR PERSONAL "BILL OF RIGHTS"
YOU have the RIGHT to be YOU.
YOU have the RIGHT to put YOURSELF first.
YOU have the RIGHT to be SAFE.
YOU have the RIGHT to LOVE and be LOVED.
YOU have the RIGHT to be TREATED with RESPECT.
YOU have the RIGHT to be HUMAN ---- not PERFECT.
YOU have the RIGHT to be ANGRY and PROTEST if you are treated UNFAIRLY or ABUSIVELY by anyone.
YOU have the RIGHT to your own PRIVACY.
YOU have the RIGHT to have your own OPINIONS, to EXPRESS them, and to be taken SERIOUSLY.
YOU have the RIGHT to EARN and CONTROL your OWN money.
YOU have the RIGHT to ASK QUESTIONS about ANYTHING that affects YOUR LIFE.
YOU have the RIGHT to make DECISIONS that affect YOU.
YOU have the RIGHT to GROW and CHANGE, and this includes changing your MIND.
YOU have the RIGHT to say NO.
YOU have the RIGHT to MAKE MISTAKES.
YOU have the RIGHT NOT to be RESPONSIBLE for other adults' problems.
YOU have the RIGHT not to be LIKED by everyone.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOUR OWN LIFE AND TO CHANGE IT IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH IT AS IT IS.

A List of Rights Commonly Forgotten By Victims of DA/DV

A List of Rights Commonly Forgotten by Victims of Domestic Violence:

You have the right:  to joy,
to a life without any abuse,
to make your own decisions about your future,
to be human and to make mistakes,
to change your mind, plans, and goals,
to laugh,
to sleep the whole night through,
to eat what you want when you want,
to visit with family and friends,
to privacy, 
to be treated with respect,
to not hide the actions of another (the guilt doesn't belong to you),
to go where you need and want to go,
to love to do what you want (and accept responsibility for that),
to be healthy,
to feel hurt and to cry,
to be angry and to say so,
to say "no" without feeling selfish or guilty,
to not need another's permission to do things,
to share your thoughts and emotions,
to a life without shame,
to be complimented without sarcasm,
to live without the fear of abuse,
to assistance from the police,
to financial independence,
to work in your choice of jobs,
to not be patronized or put–down,
to develop your own identity and talents,
to be safe,to be loved,
to be with a partner that you love and like,
to ask questions,
to change yourself in the ways you want,
to to control your own appearance,
to not be humiliated,to not be threatened or intimidated,
to protect yourself and your children,
to your personal beliefs,
to the truth,
to help yourself to succeed,
to choose your own friends,
to be at least as angry at or fearful of a lover as you would at a stranger who did the same things to you,
to share plans and decisions that affect you both,
to not be interrupted,   
to have your thoughts and opinions listened to and seriously considered, 
to feel how you feel — not necessarily how you've been told to feel, to be right without being made to feel guilty,
to be comforted by your partner,
to your sexual interests, desires, and fulfillment being as important as your partner's,
to not be harassed by a partner "checking on you",
to come and go without having to "report in" with details about where you went or what you did or who you saw,
to have friends of both sexes without accusations of unfaithfulness,
to fulfilled promises to survive and to live!

Document! Document! Document!

I have learned many lessons during this whole tangled mess! I had a friend that told me to think about the things I learned from leaving my husband. I have been thinking a little bit here and there about this. I can rightful say so far I have a small list of things:

1) I should have documented everything related to the abuse. Took pictures, described the assault, what he said to me during the assault, and what the results after were. Calling the police! Now anytime I make a call, receive an email or a text message I save it. Technically you are not to record any calls and so on. But I would be lying if I say I have not.

2) I can not trust my husband

3) I CAN make it without him, despite his opinions about needing him

4) His shortcomings are not my fault

5) I DID try and there is no reason to keep blaming myself for any demise and eventually breakdown of our marriage

6) I CAN accomplish anything I set my mind to

7) I should have told someone!

8) Share my story

That's what I have for now!

During the divorce process documenting everything is of the uptmost importance. From acts of violence to accounting for finances. Not being left in the dark about accounts, important documents and so on.

I can not leave physically to pick up and move more then 100 miles away from our abuser. It is really stinky and frustrating for myself as well as countless others that have children with they're abuser. In most states, if you have children together, regardless if he/she is still abusive, there is still visits with this person.

As outraged as I was after finding this out, I was told that there has to be something dramatic and tragic in order for a judge to rule otherwise. There are programs available for Social Security number changes and address changes that can be implemented to protect the victim. BUT, if you can not do these things, you can scratch your head, yell, shout and get really aggravated about the situation. Or you can remain proactive for your own safety by:

1) If you are meeting your abuser for visitation exchange, court, meetings, your whereabouts, etc... Make sure you have a person that can be a emergency contact and is aware of any meetings, that you can call before and after. This person should know to call the police if they have gotten in touch with you by a certain time. You may even consider a special password so if you say it they know you are in trouble!

2) Set up a phone number, email address P.O. Box just for your abuser to reach you at. I know from personal experience that finding  20+ emails or text messages can be a real downer. I was upset and dreaded opening my email box or hearing the buzz going off in my phone, knowing it was my husband. Providing him with an alternate way of reaching me has been a challenge but rewarding for my peace of mind, I make sure I check the mail at least every few days or so and once I do receive it I was told by my old attorney to return messages and so on within 24 hours of receiving.

3) This goes with #1- Meet in a PUBLIC PLACE! Do not be afraid to let the police know that this meeting is happening, I had an incident prior to my Order of Protection, that I felt threatened and before the meeting 2 police men were eating lunch, I briefly explained the situation and they stood outside casually while we did the exchange, unbeknownst to my husband. OR meet at the police station!

4) Make sure your cell phone is charged at all times! Keep a car charger available with you as well.

5) Do not be afraid to carry mace or a horn with you to scare or to protect yourself! If you can take a self defense course. Youtube has many videos on self defense protection! I'm going to check some out myself. Terry and I had went through some planned attacks just to see if I could handle myself if need be.

6) Don't show fear! Oh! this is a hard one! Your spirit has been wounded from this person and you may have never fought back before. Do not show fear! Do not allow your abuser know you are scared.

7) Keep those windows rolled up! Everytime my dropped off or picked up my kids my abuser was in my window quicker then you can blink. For what? To intimidate me, to attack me, to take my purse or keys out of the ignition, anything he could do to scare me or get me out of the car. Keeping the windows rolled up did help alot, though he still pounded on them and it ticked him off, I remained as safe as I could be. I also made sure the kids got in the van on the passenger side in the back and not anywhere near the drivers seat. Oh, yes, my abuser tried to get me from the back seat!

8) Be aware of your surroundings! Keep an eye out for his/her can at all time. It is a crappy way to live but surviving is what it is all about! Don't let your guard down!

9) Remember you can do it! Don't let those promises of not doing it again fool ya! If he/she is able to make a change that is excellent! I am all for keeping a family together! Just be careful, make sure you notice any subtle changes in your children. In the last year my abuser and I were together he began to be more forceful and used mental games on the kids while I was not home. And he threatened them not to tell!

10) Deactivate GPS on your phone! If you take pics from cell phone and post them on the web they too can give away your location! Do not tweet or Facebook where you are, who you are going with or where you are heading to.

I guess I have learned alot while I have been away from my husband. It has been well over 2 years and sadly he still believes I am coming back...

Emergency hearing!

I received notice in the mail from the GAL of two things~

1) An Emergency hearing is slated for April 13th! So now we have to get the Paternity test done this week! YIKES! I thought I had more time to get the $$$ together for it. SIGH!

2) The GAL is withdrawing as the GAL on our case. I have no clue where this puts us. Seems like we are at the mercy of court right now. I'm praying for an ending to this mess before the end of the year.

STBX has an agenda to do nothing more then lie about the abuse and he says I was abusive... Firstly anyone that knows me can tell that is not true. Second I have witnesses to abuse whether verbal, emotional and so on... He admitted on numerous occassions that he was sorry for mistreatment. I'm so done with this mess!

A friend I talked to told me I needed to forgive myself for leaving my son, I do feel burdened with guilt about that. Also she said I have low self esteem issues that I really need to rediscover myself and realize that I am a good person. I also am very low about my looks. STBX pounded into me many times that I was ugly, stupid,  a disgusting pig, wetback, spic, whore, etc... You get the picture. I need to make a list of short term goals for business, both my Doula and crafts. Both I have been sitting on for some reason. And I need to make a new vision board. Now for my laundry and then some houseclean up.

Tomorrow I will work on making appointments for the Paternity test.

Reminds me...

Repost from 5/17/2009 My myspace blogs

Saw R today he was pounding on the window of the van, demanding that I put it down! Terry had reminded me to double check my windows and door locks, as everytime I see R he tries to get at me. So R is getting more upset, I worry because he offhandly mentioned he has a few sets of keys to the van. He may have said that just to see if I would panic. I did see him go for his keys and I think I actually saw the van key, but he flashed them so fast I am not sure if I actually saw it. The kids had the privilege of observing this outburst. Way to go R!

I found out on the way home that R yelled at M while he was over there. M said he was upset because his Dad was bad mouthing me. He wanted to call me but R wouldn't let him. I told M if he felt threatened he needed to call 911 next time.  He said he didn't feel threatened it just made him cry.

Oh that man! He is screwing it up all on his own. I know he didn't change, no way and no how. I feel bad but this is something the kids need to learn on they're own. They are old enough to find out for themselves, just in case they have forgotten they are in for a refresher course! Sounds terrible I know!

How many times did that man push me out of the car both while moving and not? He'd get mad at stupid things so many times. Didn't matter if it were hot or cold, "Get the *uck out!" You would have thought I would be used to it but no matter how many times did I feel my heart feel as though a knife had passed threw it? You feel this sick sinking feeling in your belly. Feeling that you let him down again for whatever.

I can remember him telling me on numerous times that if I left him no one would ever find my body. He said he would tell a group of men where I was and he would have them rape me repeatedly. After I was raped he said if they let me live after they then beat me he would rush in as the savior. I would never know when this would happen so I would need to watch out. He would tell me that he knew men at job sites that were unsavory and wouldn't mind taking a buck or a case of beer to do something.

I pictured that in my mind. Is he all talk? I don't know, I do know I can never let my guard down.

I grew to hate myself for many years not liking who I saw in the mirror, a coward, someone with a crooked smile, my glasses didn't sit right on my face (because of my funny ear), ugly, blah, blah, blah! I overheard someone close to me get called a "Stupid lazy Mexican" I thought of R, he would say that or something similar. Or he would say all Mexicans were lazy *uckers. I was nothing but a spic not even worth going down on him.
 I would get up some mornings hating myself. I hated the mirror, I hated to look anyone in the eye, I still struggle with this. I find myself looking down or away. I don't understand how anyone feels that I am attractive.

He would tell me that all men wanted just a lay. Don't look at them or talk to them. I grew paranoid that it's all men wanted so I didn't look. He would constantly accuse me of cheating tirelessly. I wasn't. I could have but did not sink to his level.

WINNER!

Seriously? Why are so many Abusers put up in high regards? Charlie Sheen is now added to the growing list of celebs that are abusive in some form to they're mates. I admit I saw some of Sheen's ramblings, not surprising to me they sound like many things my STBX believed. It boggles the mind at how many people are allowing this man to gain wealth from this! I refused to become one of his Twitter followers. I joked with my sister briefly "WINNER!" for some reason but looking back why give Sheen anymore power or give any of those men any high fives at all?

No one wins when there are children involved. Divorce is ugly (of course even if there are no kids it is still nasty)! I firmly believe in staying with your mate, BUT not at the expense of losing your self esteem, your mental or physical state, your children's emotional or physical welfare or your life or their's!

The I'm sorry's and Honeymoon stage was too much for me and after the upteenth time it was time to break free. I didn't like who I was or what I had become. I didn't like my children to have to experience things they heard or felt. I didn't like my kids to see me in a puddle on the floor with blows from my STBX. I was reminded of how much they did see by J last night. Her brother, M, had been kind of looking for her on her way home from school on several occassions. She was worried that he may harm her. She called me and told me the situation, long story short, once she arrived home and calmed down alittle she asked if she could call her brother. I was surprised but I said sure.

After 2 very heated calls between the two of them guess who called her back? You got it STBX gave her a tongue lashing about how it was inappropiate the way she talked to her brother and so on. She gave her Dad an earful too! You can't help but hear conversations since our apartment is so small. The conversation ended with STBX threatening to have her taken away from me. Same old R! Anyway keeps us in your prayers while we still deal with this madman.

I really pray for help for my son and my STBX. Believe it or not I do wish him well. I also want to be left alone, it irks me that I feel like a prisoner here. Having to watch over my shoulder. With comments from him and a member of his family stating that "If I/he has't hurt you by now..." GRRFACE! Everytime I saw STBX in 2009 he physically placed his hands on me EVERY chance he had gotten. He won't change. 

I am placing the Power wheel in this blog as a reminder not only for myself but to others that the cycles of abuse are like a rollercoaster. Only you can decide when to get off.

I myself been there done that, got the T-shirt and postcard. I'm never revisiting crazy again...

Remembering

July 22, 2009
More and more memories have been coming to mind lately. Things I had forgotten. I remember when I started to hate small places. Why I panic when something is covering my face. They both go hand and hand...69 and a 285 lb man is never a good thing.

I had the images the other day and I recall crying for him to get off of me, I couldn't breath, he just kept hollaring for me to shut up and keep sucking his *ick. (His words) I was panicking! I recall him biting me because I was crying. It was horrible anytime he asked me to do that and I dreaded it. I believe he got morbid pleaure out of smothering me. We stopped kissing one another a long time ago. I kept getting sick! I would tell him that I must be allergic to him. There's more hygiene related issues with his mouth but I won't go there.

I have had some bad dreams, I see R's face looming in the dark as if waiting to pounce. I remember him kicking me in the tailbone while I was painting in the back corner of the antique shop. I wasn't going fast enough! It really smarted but I had to suck back my tears while apologizing for not going quicker and I would try to work faster.

In many ways I hate that place! I love the people but hate it at the same time. I know how much blood, sweat and tears I put in that place literally. How many times I just sat in a dark corner of the back chocking my tears down or trying to cover up a bruise he left. I was worried his sister would say something to him about it, by telling anyone there would be hell to pay later.

I recall him coming home many times with a smile that would turn into a picture of hatred and anger in seconds. There was no reason, or the reasons sounded outlandish. A soggy sandwich, not enough ice in his water jug, the sun shined too much and gave him a headache...

How many times I literally had my back to the wall with his hands around my neck. Lord I don't miss that! He doesn't remember hitting me before we left him in February, he remembers nothing, not the kicking, threats, head banging or nasty words he would say.

Gaslight's- Sociopath mind games

Ok so now you are wondering how can a person play mind games and get away with it? It is not uncommon in real life for someone play with your mind so much and and so well that you begin to doubt your sanity.

He/she may have you believe the sky is gray while it is sunny and the sun is shining.
He/she may tell lies about friends and family
He/she may tell you that you will never be anything unless you have them in your life

My Abuser would hide things he needed for work or tools he used around the house and later after I am ripping the house/garage/his truck apart, magically the item in question would appear. I would scratch my head and swear it was not where it was! My Abuser did admit that he did this later to me/kids. He thought it was funny. Of course the stress or names or the physical things he would do to me/kids until the items were found was nuts!

There are times you get so lost inside you lose yourself and your feeling of self worth is in the toliet! Escaping these things can be a challenge. Anytime you are in a domestic or family violence situation there is doubt you can make it. Your abuser may make you believe otherwise and you do doubt yourself!

Believe that you are not alone! Sadly there are thousands of people in your shoes, young, old, women, men, children, and even animals! Keeping quiet about your abuse will only allow your abuser to get away with continued abuse! If you can not leave for you and you have children. LEAVE FOR THEM! Don't wait! File police reports, take pictures and do not be silent anymore!

I sadly did not do a lot of this and I am having many problems. My Soon To Be Ex wants to have my girls removed from my home based on lies. The trouble is since I never filed a police report prior to my leaving him. In some cases I am having a hard time getting the court to believe me! Luckily I have family and some friends that recall instances of turmoil and this will help!

If you are being abused and just need to vent please email me privately...
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http://www.suite101.com/content/why-psychological-abuse-is-called-gaslighting-a154933
Why Psychological Abuse Is Called Gaslighting

Movie Gaslight’s Plot - Sociopath Playing Mind Games with Wife

Oct 1, 2009 Jill Stefko

The 1944 film, Gaslight, features a man using psychologically abusive ploys to convince his wife she's insane. Later, this term would be used to describe abuser's games

Gaslighters say and do things to make targets question their sanity, memories and beliefs – all in a bid to fulfill the abusive person's egocentric needs. Intentions can include financial gain, controlling others and/or pleasure.

Gaslight, the Movie
In the film Gaslight, Paula and Gregory Anton are living in the house where her Aunt Alice Alquist was murdered because the killer wanted her jewelry – jewelry that he never found. Gregory is Sergius Bauer, Alice’s killer. He marries Paula so he can get back into the house to search for the jewelry.

His plan is to convince his wife that she’s insane so he can have her certified and institutionalized, thereby allowing him to search for the jewelry without hindrance. After they move into the house, bizarre incidents start happening. Pictures disappear, footsteps are heard in the sealed attic and gaslights dim and brighten for no apparent reason. He insinuates that Paula is responsible, but she has no memory of doing these things.
Paula is saved by Brian Cameron, a Scotland Yard detective who was a fan of Alice. The housekeeper and a neighbor help him solve the case. Gregory is arrested on the day he finds the jewelry.

What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is the intentional and progresses psychological abuse that uses mind games. Gas lighters begin with subtle ploys to lessen their targets’ self-confidence, disturb their sense of reality and make them doubt the self. They want to weaken targets so they are less likely to figure out what’s happening, making the victim less apt to take actions for self-protection.

All types of games are played to make targets think they are insane or having a psychological breakdown. The perpetuators are most likely to be those with antisocial personality disorder (formally called sociopaths and psychopaths) and those with sadistic personality disorder. Both take pleasure in inflicting damage.

Gaslighting Games
This covert form of psychological abuse is intended to make people question the self. Some gaslighters move their targets’ items to different places or steal them and return them later to disorientate the person. One went into his target’s home when she was absent and rearranged her furniture. When she told him about this, he told her she must have forgotten her moving them because she was under a lot of stress. Abusers might start a subtle crusade against targets so others will believe them, doubt the targets’ stability and may, unknowingly, help them in their games.

Gaslighters may isolate and alienate family and friends. Other games abusers employ can include:

• Denying they said something (when they did make the remark in question);
• Telling targets the matter is in their imagination;
• Accusing targets of overreacting, being suspicious and/or dramatic;
• Telling targets they don’t know what they’re talking about;
• Saying targets are accusing them of imaginary things, and;
• Asking targets about all of the “bad” things they’ve done to them.

What to Do about Gaslighting
When people question their memories of conversations or events although they’re absolutely sure what was said or took place, they should wonder if it’s possible they’ve been gaslighted. It’s a subtle method abusers use to manipulate and control and is almost undetectable by targets. Usually, the perpetuators vow they give unconditional love. The intent is to make targets think about this when they question the mind games and self-doubt arises. The thoughts abusers want them to think are, “I was sure s/he said we’d go out for dinner tonight, but, I must be mistaken. S/he loves me unconditionally, so there’s no reason for me not to believe him/her.”

Targets should listen to that small voice that says something doesn’t feel right. To escape these situations, a victim must realize, "I know what I heard. What’s happening here? Is s/he trying to make me not trust my memory? Is it that I’m being manipulated?" Targets should think about other incidents the abuser used to control and drown them in their pathology. If possible, targets should sever the relationship. If not, it can be beneficial to set boundaries and limit contact with the abuser.

Articles Related to Gaslighting
People who found this article interesting might want to read Hare's Psychopathy Checklist Revised PCLR, along with Sadistic Personality Disorder – SPD in DSM-III and What is Sociopathy and Cleckley's List?
Sources:

• The Mask of Sanity, Herve Cleckley, (Textbook Publishers, 2003).
• The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout, (Broadway Books, 2005).
• Without Conscience, Robert D. Hare, (The Guilford Press, 1999).