During the dark times of some altercations with your abuser, it can be quite drag your spirit down, creating a tangled web of sadness, depression and in some cases a feeling of being worthy of anything good.
You may not feel desirable.
You may not feel worthy
You may feel like the stupidest or laziest or ugliest or fattest person around
You may feel like a terrible Wife/Partner or Mother
Tuning our or forgetting out those mean words or actions of your Gaslighter can be one of the hardest things to do. As a sufferer of PTSD, it can be quite hard to let go of the past. I don't want to glorify or have a pity party for me or what I went through, and my memories are my worst enemy! Sometimes the triggers or flashbacks are so intense, breath-taking that I can actually hear the nasty words and see the actions of my abuser. I get so angry at myself for getting worked up! I get angry that it seems as though he still has control of my mind to cause distress or anxiety now over 3 years later. I am frustrated with myself for feeling gripped by fear when I see a car that looks like his or someone that looks like him.
I am frustrated with still feeling unworthy of happiness and of better life for me (for us). I usually throw up my face to the Lord and pray or read my Bible to ease my heart and mind. Of course Terry has been great for me to calm me down and remind me I'm none of those things, that I am safe, that I am out of that situation and that my ex is an *sshol*!
Lately, my girls have been telling or reminding me of different situations they remember their dad and I having some confrontation. They are remembering him hitting me, screaming at me and putting me down. I feel so embarrassed for various reasons. First, that they had to witness those times and secondly, that I let him do that to me. Your abuser will only do what you allow them to do to you. I realize this now. I know! I know! Quit harping on this sadness already! I got to tell you that this is one chapter of my life I wish was closed, but in doing so I can't heal. I desperately want to forget and want it to go away.
After I left my abuser I found many quotes from various places to lift my spirits and some are to use when speaking to my abuser (many did not give him the same feelings I had from them :) ) Of course many are from my Bible! But I'll share some of the many others that make me smile or remind me that I am strong, safe, and worthy of happiness!
Knowledge is power. Know your opponent. Act, do not react. Take the offensive, not the defensive. Realize your strength and trust yourself!
I am doing something that I believe in, and it doesn't exactly match your plan. Call me later when you want to discuss the issues. It's your job to fix your life.
When I am treated with dignity and respect, then I will make a choice to have him in my life. Until he does, he is completely out!
Do what is right not necessarily what is easy...
Don't second guess yourself
Know that the destination is always easier then the journey
Trust your intution!
Just take yourself out of the relationship in one piece if you can. All that other stuff can be replaced!
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.
There's always a time for what God asks us to do
My Dear reader! You are worthy! Just like me! Our circumstances for however we got to this place doesn't mean anything. Your here right now. If you are still kicking around if you should go, ask yourself, if you have children or a close friend/relative, would you want them in the situation you are in?
Don't doubt yourself! If a person doesn't hit you, or break your bones that doesn't mean they aren't breaking your heart, spirit and joy from words or mind games! If you think it's not normal behavior then it's probably not! Trust your guts! Listen to your friends/child(ren)/ loved ones about your partner. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see the "full picture" and there is a small or large amount of fear that you will be alone if you leave or tell him/her to leave. Being alone is nothing compared to being killed physically, mentally or emotionally from your abuser!
Staying because you have "Stuff?" or a "House" or "Bills" or contract binding the 2 of your together legally for some reason? EXCUSES! When will you leave? Wait until your dead/hurt? Or your child(ren) is hurt or killed?
WAKE UP! Read the paper! Watch the news! Everyday there is a horrible story of neglect, murder, rape or assault on a victim of abuse! Will you be one of them someday? Leave! Make a paper trail of the abuse with police! Don't let your abuser get away with it!
You are WORTHY!
You can SURVIVE!
You can find HAPPINESS!
WITHOUT the abuse!
You will not dry up and die without your abuser in your life (despite what your abuser says!) "You'll never make it without me/my money!" OR "No one will want you!" OR "You aren't taking the house/apartment! You live with what you have on!"
GO! Start planning NOW! I DARE YOU!
Remember you are not worthless...
Be safe! Blessings and prayers!
*If you know someone that is being abused, please be a shoulder, lend an ear, and remind them they are not alone! Please forward this blog to them! Find local shelters for them or go with them to the Police. Do not feel bad if they go back to they're abuser. I met many women that go back 2, 3, 5, 10 times or more! (Me personally went back too many times) Have them check out the Safety plan and Safety labels here. Stay safe!*