You may not feel desirable.
You may not feel worthy
You may feel like the stupidest or laziest or ugliest or fattest person around
You may feel like a terrible Wife/Partner or Mother
Tuning our or forgetting out those mean words or actions of your Gaslighter can be one of the hardest things to do. As a sufferer of PTSD, it can be quite hard to let go of the past. I don't want to glorify or have a pity party for me or what I went through, and my memories are my worst enemy! Sometimes the triggers or flashbacks are so intense, breath-taking that I can actually hear the nasty words and see the actions of my abuser. I get so angry at myself for getting worked up! I get angry that it seems as though he still has control of my mind to cause distress or anxiety now over 3 years later. I am frustrated with myself for feeling gripped by fear when I see a car that looks like his or someone that looks like him.I am frustrated with still feeling unworthy of happiness and of better life for me (for us). I usually throw up my face to the Lord and pray or read my Bible to ease my heart and mind. Of course Terry has been great for me to calm me down and remind me I'm none of those things, that I am safe, that I am out of that situation and that my ex is an *sshol*!
Lately, my girls have been telling or reminding me of different situations they remember their dad and I having some confrontation. They are remembering him hitting me, screaming at me and putting me down. I feel so embarrassed for various reasons. First, that they had to witness those times and secondly, that I let him do that to me. Your abuser will only do what you allow them to do to you. I realize this now. I know! I know! Quit harping on this sadness already! I got to tell you that this is one chapter of my life I wish was closed, but in doing so I can't heal. I desperately want to forget and want it to go away.
After I left my abuser I found many quotes from various places to lift my spirits and some are to use when speaking to my abuser (many did not give him the same feelings I had from them :) ) Of course many are from my Bible! But I'll share some of the many others that make me smile or remind me that I am strong, safe, and worthy of happiness!
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Knowledge is power. Know your opponent. Act, do not react. Take the offensive, not the defensive. Realize your strength and trust yourself!
I am doing something that I believe in, and it doesn't exactly match your plan. Call me later when you want to discuss the issues. It's your job to fix your life.
When I am treated with dignity and respect, then I will make a choice to have him in my life. Until he does, he is completely out!
Do what is right not necessarily what is easy...
Don't second guess yourself
Know that the destination is always easier then the journey
Trust your intution!
Just take yourself out of the relationship in one piece if you can. All that other stuff can be replaced!
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.
There's always a time for what God asks us to do
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My Dear reader! You are worthy! Just like me! Our circumstances for however we got to this place doesn't mean anything. Your here right now. If you are still kicking around if you should go, ask yourself, if you have children or a close friend/relative, would you want them in the situation you are in?
Don't doubt yourself! If a person doesn't hit you, or break your bones that doesn't mean they aren't breaking your heart, spirit and joy from words or mind games! If you think it's not normal behavior then it's probably not! Trust your guts! Listen to your friends/child(ren)/ loved ones about your partner. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see the "full picture" and there is a small or large amount of fear that you will be alone if you leave or tell him/her to leave. Being alone is nothing compared to being killed physically, mentally or emotionally from your abuser!
Staying because you have "Stuff?" or a "House" or "Bills" or contract binding the 2 of your together legally for some reason? EXCUSES! When will you leave? Wait until your dead/hurt? Or your child(ren) is hurt or killed?
WAKE UP! Read the paper! Watch the news! Everyday there is a horrible story of neglect, murder, rape or assault on a victim of abuse! Will you be one of them someday? Leave! Make a paper trail of the abuse with police! Don't let your abuser get away with it!
You are WORTHY!
You can SURVIVE!
You can find HAPPINESS!
WITHOUT the abuse!
You will not dry up and die without your abuser in your life (despite what your abuser says!) "You'll never make it without me/my money!" OR "No one will want you!" OR "You aren't taking the house/apartment! You live with what you have on!"
GO! Start planning NOW! I DARE YOU!
Remember you are not worthless...
Be safe! Blessings and prayers!
Mel
*If you know someone that is being abused, please be a shoulder, lend an ear, and remind them they are not alone! Please forward this blog to them! Find local shelters for them or go with them to the Police. Do not feel bad if they go back to they're abuser. I met many women that go back 2, 3, 5, 10 times or more! (Me personally went back too many times) Have them check out the Safety plan and Safety labels here. Stay safe!*
BIG HUGS my friend!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your blog! Very courageous of you! Our daughter's husband began physically, verbally, emotionally, etc. abusing her very shortly after they married three years ago. Now she is pregnant. She appears to be happy and so does he. They now seem to be doing well, but we are always fearful of what may be happening behind closed doors. We can never know for sure that he has "changed."
ReplyDeleteAny perspective would be helpful. In order for her to have contact with us, we all have to "act" and "treat" him as though nothing happened. We live, however, in constant fear that he will start again with the abuse. He's one of those you would call "charming, loved by everyone, quick-witted and very well-connected."
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. I feel as though I am stumbling along at times.
ReplyDeleteMany "Gaslighter" or Narc's are very cunning, charming and well liked in many circles. The cycle of abuse includes a "Honeymoon phase", where everything is wonderful. Each situation is different, some abusers go days, weeks or months or sometimes years before starting up again. Leaving the victims to wait for the other shoe to drop.
Does your daughter realize this is a problem? In many situations victims go back because of promises, or feelings of worthlessness or they can't do any better or they have kids together, no money to start again.
Have they tried counseling? Will he go?
Is there drugs or alcohol involved?
Can you help her set up a "Go bag" or Plan if she needs to leave. Please see some previous posts on the subject.
"If" it happens again can you have her make a police report? LEAVE A PAPER TRAIL! Document the abuse that "you" see or others have seen!
Contact a local shelter in the area and ask protocol, about atty and DV advocate help. There are resources that help anyone no matter how connected the abuser is.
Help build her up. It is wonderful she has a loving family that will support her. It is hard for a family member to see from the outside and being unable to do more then listen or wait until the next time. Please drop me a line and let me know how it's going! God bless!
Mel
Hello, it's me again from November 27, 2012. Our daughter has now had a baby boy! Her husband has started back with all of the verbal abuse: accusing, blaming, yelling in her face even in front of the baby, belittling, denying, minimizing, put-downs, word games, etc. We are concerned, but she won't leave him. She did, however, leave after nine months of marriage because the verbal and physical had become so severe, she was scared! There are no drugs or alcohol involved. She refuses to file a police report. He did go to the E.V.E.N. program for abusers in Alabama. He went voluntarily, not by court mandate. He did that just to get her to come back.
ReplyDeleteanonymous continued..... She recently confided in me that he had started the verbal abuse back up again and we are deeply concerned!!!! He also bought a gun and sleeps with it under his side of the bed. Since he did resort to being physically aggressive and violent before, we are concerned he will do it again, but now he has a weapon. She is still too trusting, partly because he keeps her confused and off balance. She thinks he will change if she prays hard "enough" and shows "enough" respect etc. I reminded her that he considers her his object of control and that none of his behavior is at all upsetting or exhausting for him, but it is very much so for her. We don't know what to do except continue to act as though nothing happened around him so that we can maintain a relationship with her, but I hate going against every fiber of feeling and reason in my being just to appease this abuser!!!! We have tried to educate ourselves about DV reading several books and website, going to counseling and speaking with survivors. We have become very good at holding our tongues and only trying to use them to build her up. We do not criticize him etc. to her. We will go for long periods of time and not bring anything about her situation up. But earlier this week, I just felt so strongly compelled to talk to her when he was at work. Her attitude was different this time. She did not fight me or resist what I had to say. She did not defend him or get mad at me. Instead, she listened and then thanked me very sincerely and earnestly. I am still trying to encourage her to call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. I haven't been able to get her to call them yet, but I also have to wait long periods of time in between so as not to upset her. I have learned when to back off and how to get back on a lighter note when the situation calls for it in order to stay connected and not driver her away. This time I told her I would "pin' the information on my DV Pinterest board. She was more receptive to this idea this time than she ever has been! I'm scared that if she ever does consider leaving him that he will fight for custody and try to make her sound incompetent as a mother. He already accuses her of not swaddling him correctly and allowing the swaddling blanket to cover his face. She said it is never over his face when she gets him up from sleeping, but its that way when he gets him. I tried to tell her that he may be doing that on purpose, but she doesn't want to believe it. She is beginning to feel trapped.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you! You are wonderful for being a source of support to her! AWESOME!
ReplyDeleteSadly, this is all you can do. The ball is in her court. Sometimes something drastic needs to happen in order for a victim to finally stay away. Please continue to document these incidents and encourage her to leave. Find a shelter that she can feel safe to go to. Make sure she has copies of all important documents. He will continue to abuse her and maye the baby until she decideds enough is enough. Shower her with positive affirmations that she is strong enough to do this on her own. Locate an attorney through your state that does Pro bono work so she can cover her bases legally. She can do it! Thank you for staying strong for her during this time. Please keep me posted! Feel free to email privately at hopewhentherewasnone@gmail.com Prayers for her and you!