A little about me

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Hope when there was none on FB!

I decided it was time to start a page on
Hope when there was none FB page

It's about darned time. I'm not sure why it took me so long to do it. You will find safety tips, inspirational quotes, sneak peeks at my upcoming projects and books.

I will still blog every now and again, but I feel it's time to branch out a bit more. I hope you visit me there.

My book sales have been steady and I am thrilled to say I was surprised. The support from my tribe and strangers has been touching. You can get the Ebook for $2.99 until 1/14/18 get it here- Call me Master Ebook

I hope the holidays have treated you well, Dear One.

I mentioned in previous blog posts that I wasn't really digging the holidays. In the past, holidays were not fun for us. Over the past few years they have been wonderful!

This year, I had injured my knee 2 weeks ago yesterday. My family had put the tree up on Christmas eve, Mr. Awesome did last minute shopping and wrapped all the gifts. Though I am still looking for a calendar that I purchased for my eldest Daughter. That leaves me scratching my head. I don't feel confident enough to climb the stairs to go look for it. I have gotten my kids calendars for he past 7 years now so they can use them for school planning and later job or appointment scheduling. They really have come to expect and love getting them.

I found out I have some tears in my knee. I don't have the results to know where or if surgery is in the future for me. I spoke with a nurse that couldn't tell me more then my next appointment will be on Feb 2nd!

I haven't done critter chores in 2 weeks and I do miss it. I caught a glimpse of the birds as Peanut was mucking out the coop and The Abbey (Duck house). It's been too cold for anyone to want to venture out. Everyone is safe and sound.

All is quiet on the homefront and I LOVE IT!

Wishing you a Happy New Year Dear One.

Stay safe!


Tuesday, December 12, 2017

My ebook is out! Call me Master!

It's kind of surreal! After several years of remembering, scouring through old legal records, my journals, emails and other notes, it's out! WAHOO! The paperback version will be out soon. I am thinking to give copies to shelters and to churches. Find more about my book here: Author Central- Melinda Kunst

At the same time, it's bittersweet. The road that led to the book was paved with tears, pain and guilt. There I said it. I still have that Mommy guilt of staying so long. I suppose that is something that just won't go away. But, I do know that my children don't have to be a product of their past. They can fight past it and move on.

I can only do so much to facilitate any help for them. It's not like they are wee ones clinging around my legs, they are all technically adults. Right now, I feel relieved. Like a load is off my shoulders.

I'm marking this day that is also the Anniversary of Mr. Awesome and I with eating anything I feel like today. I started a 28 day cleanse but today feels like it is a good day to cheat. Pizza is coming later! I haven't heard anything from the attorney representing my ex. I'm taking that as a good sign. We are still watching the homestead just in case. Back to watching our surroundings as we go out. Something we did before but are more diligent.

I do have to say that over the past 6 months he has been paying child support. He is behind about $1, 300.00 or so, nothing near what he was in the past. But here is the caveat, 95% of child support needs to be up-to-date for any claims for taxes. I already spoke to his attorney and advised him that Will can claim our Daughter. My only concern is that my previous tax person said that he can only claim her if he had overnights and that was never granted by the courts (THANK GOODNESS!). Thus, he shouldn't be able to claim her for taxes. No worries, though. This is small potatoes compared to past concerns.

I fill my days with living in the moment. I get to stay home while Mr. Awesome goes to work that he
enjoys. We are thrilled he is not Mr. Crankypants anymore. He needed that adult interaction. He has become a weekend Warrior.

We homeschool Mini Man. Take care of our flock of Chickens, Ducks and now the Honey Bees are tucked in the for winter. I'm doing a self inflicted 28 day cleanse to help with my cooties, Lyme Disease and just because. And, I write. I'm about halfway through with book 2, "Rising from the Ashes". It's about what I did to help heal myself from PTSD and anxieties after leaving.

I cover a bit in my current book but this goes through a lot more other things that helped me on the road to healing.

I am also working on a 3rd book about our ride down the rabbit hole with Lyme Disease. I also dusted off my Vision Boards and have decided to show others what worked for me. I have a upcoming workshop in a local town and I'm pretty excited. I hope to do more of these, they are fun to do.

I sound busier than I really am. I tend to nap a lot. Just because I'm tired. But I have to tell you this life I have now is such a blessing! I still feel it is a dream.

I'm happy! I also had a wild hair to travel again, this time across the US by bicycle before or around the time I'm 50 (in a few years!). I thought about doing it as a Lyme ride but I think it's just going to be a happy I'm alive ride. My behind is hurting and it's only been a week since I started. We found a stationary bike on an ad that is a vintage Schwinn. I love it. Needs a better seat though. My behind is hurting a bit.

I free...

I love you Dear One, you have stuck with me through this amazing and at times terrifying ride. Thank you! And if you are still in an abusive relationship please know you are never alone in that loneliness. I have been there. It is not living. The tough part is making the decision to go. It's not easy. I promise you that. I also can say that your life will be so much better once your gone. You may not notice this until years later after the crazy of leaving your abuser. But, it does...

I love you! Stay safe!
PS: We also celebrated 3 birthdays! My eldest Son, Nathan! I missed so many birthdays and though we weren't there physically, we did celebrate it with cake and sent pictures to him via FB.

Mr. Awesome celebrated the BIG 60! A week and a half later and then...

I was the Birthday Girl! I asked everyone to wear party hats, why not? I turned... GULP! 47! I'm can't tell you how wonderful it is that I am able to celebrate my birthday. There was a time I didn't think I would be able to.
Lots of love...

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Domestic Violence Awareness month

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.

This is my 9th October since I left my abuser.

It is bittersweet. It still hurts, though; less intense as it had when I first left.

The deep impact of the intense feeling of loss, hurt and fear have ebbed greatly. The phrase, “Time heals all.” has profound meaning to me.

I’m not who I was when I first left. I consider myself stronger. I feel I have grown into a woman. Does that make sense?

I feel as though I am actually living my life rather than going through the motions. Life has it’s complexities of normal up’s and down’s and that’s ok! I’ll take it!

I moan and groan now on my social media about how I’m under attack from battling Lyme Disease.  There are no longer posts about my “Never ending divorce”.

My feeds are filled with happiness. Beauty. Love. Bliss.

I feel true to my feelings. I’m unafraid to show the real me. The good, the bad and ugly.

Does this mean I don’t still deal with my ex? Heavens! I still do, but not as much or barely than I did before. Now, I hear bits and pieces from friends and family that state him and his partner have taken to cyber stalk me. He is potentially taking me to court because I told him that I did not allow him to file tax exemption for our girls in 2015.

Prior to this we had an agreement, yes, believe it not we did speak civilly on a few occasions. Our agreement was since he was behind in taxes that I would just claim the girls. According to our agreement if he was in arrears he wouldn’t be able to claim them. He is in arrears A LOT.

I know this annoys me. But what really frosted my cake was the HIGH probability that he now knows our physical address that was supposed to be hidden from him. How was it found out? His attorney sent a letter to discuss the matter and our address was listed. I was livid! I am saddened that my ex’s partner is insisting for visits from the girls. Technically, both girls are adults. She is not aware or does not want to know our past.

I am dynamite to my ex. If his new wife is privy to how explosive our relationship was and the castle of lies he has built to destroy me and glorify himself, which would be dangerous to that relationship.
At the same time, I am dumbfounded that this man makes $60,000.00+ and a majority of that is under the table and he may take me to court?! I made $8,000.00 last year. GRRFACE! Did I mention I stopped working? Mr. Awesome wants me to heal at home. I really need this.

My relationship with my eldest Son is coming along wonderful and it feels like a HUGE blessing! Besides this new development, my life is amazing.

No, I am still unsure what way my business is going to go, or
where my life purpose is.

I got to tell you it’s still sweet. Despite the hardships that went on. 

It was worth it.

So, Dear Blog reader,

If you are reading this, please take heart that it will get better. It takes a long time to get there, be patient. You’ll get there. 

Much love and safety to you.  Not sure where to begin to plan to leave? Check out this for Safety planning- Survival-or-Personal-Go-Bag

If you are in an abusive situation contact your local shelter or www.thehotline.org or call 1−800−799−7233. If you are a loved one that knows a person in an abusive situation, please be patient. Listen, respect and be a shoulder to this person. They are on a roller coaster of fear. They may not know which way is up right now. Just being there is so helpful!

As always …

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Can you really move on? Warning boob shot!

Howdy Dearest Blog reader!


Mr. Awesome and I had a discussion on memories of our youth. We talked about our attributes, so I asked... What would you change on me? YES! I opened that box, can of worms, gates or what-have-you.

He said a perky set would be nice. But of course, not required. He added he wishes certain parts could also be back where they belong. Sorry to be so graphic.

It got me thinking.

These girls have a mothering history:

4 children were nurtured and rested upon them when they were hungry, scared and when they just needed a hug.

On a sour note:

They were pinched hard

Squeezed tirelessly


Bitten until they bleed. I swear my nipples would just fall off a few times

They have been pulled until I lost my breath

My girls may not be pretty anymore. They may not be as at attention as they once were but they stand as a reminder that I was able to have them to mother my children and withstand sometimes brutal experiences.

Sometimes scars aren't visible. Sometimes the wounded recess of our brains still fire up with sad memories. Even though, I have clearly moved on, I still have moments from the past that gives me pause. Now, I had thought about this above picture before posting it. I talked to Mr. Awesome several days after our conversation. He back peddled and advised that he wasn't saying I needed to get an enhancement done or anything and that I was just perfect to him.

I told him of my thoughts and that I was thinking of doing a nude picture of me and my breasts. Without batting an eye, he said, "Whatever you want Babe and thank you for asking my opinion first."

So, after about 5 or 6 pictures in various poses, it felt WAY TOO pornish to me. I could even imagine the funky music in my head. UGH! This isn't going to work and I flopped on the bed after putting the girls back in their containment unit. For giggle I took a picture of me laying down and standing up. I showed them to Mr. Awesome and we agreed on this one. I hope not to offend.

The memories from those times are not as intense as they were when I first left my abuser. So, please believe me when I say they will eventually wane and ebb away. It takes time for the freshness of your emotions and the past to go away.

It also takes work! Putting your past away on a shelf is not the best way to get through the pain. Doing so, can spill into your relationships with your family, friends and any new relationships you seek out.

What kind of work do you need to do?

Talk to someone that you trust about your past (Counseling or Therapy) If you kids also consider counseling. My Dear Friend, Lydia, whom I have a previous blog post- See here: Someone I think you should know- Lydia about has been an Angel to lean on. Especially since a lot of our experiences are similar.


Dive into hobbies or pick up new ones



Pray/Find a place of worship

Find a new job

Go back to school


Dance even if someone is looking

Laugh- Put on a Comedienne or funny movie

Binge Netflix

Get a massage


Take care of YOU!

So, if you see other blogs or books about how the Author is fine and moved on. I am sure they still have to work on shaking the past. It doesn't just go away when you leave out the door. Your ex can be like a bad penny.

Moving on also means:

Change your cell number or get a Tracfone and don't give your ex the number!
Instead, let your ex talk to a friend or family member you trust to relay messages if it's an emergency.

Get rid of your computer or tablet or at least make sure your GPS location is not on. The same goes with your phone. Your ex could very well put tracking programs on your devices.

Change passwords on everything.

Make sure you don't list your whereabouts on social media. Don't make it easy for your ex to find you.

Don't ever be alone with your ex! This is important! Use friends/family or law enforcement for visitations.

Go home different ways. Learn to be situational aware.

Take a self defense course.

Remember you are worthy of love.

When you look at the smiles on my blog, please know that everything is still not peaches and cream. As it is my ex is still cyber stalking me. He still talks to others about me. I'm sure he still carries a torch for me, even though he is married to another.

Gaslighters/Narcissists, don't give up easily. You see, you are like a toy that was misplaced and he/she wants to find you again. In many cases, your ex may still try to harm you even 5+ years later.

What do you do? Can you ever have normalcy? Will there ever be a time when your ex's name doesn't come up in any conversation?

Yes and yes.

Protect yourself Dear One. But don't guard your heart so tightly that you chase real love away.

In closing, remember:

Trust your gut.

Have patience.

Educate yourself with the legal in's and out's of your separation/custody/state laws.

Believe in yourself.

And most of all remember- I believe in you!

Big hugs,

PS: My book is done! I have asked a dear friend to do a cover photo for me and I am hoping to have it available for sale on Amazon before the year ends. I'm anxious to get it out there. Not really excited, does that make sense?

More news to come about this and more in the next few weeks!

PPS: If you are helping someone trapped in an abusive relationship and don't know quite how to handle it, please call National Domestic Violence Hotline (800)799-7233.
Be patient with your loved one! They maybe terrified of leaving.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Repost- Someone I think you should know- Lydia

You can find this original post here: Someone I think you should know- Lydia

I have been honored to  share several stories of inspiration over this past year. 

Lydia has always been someone I admired, with her amazing smile, enthusiastic outlook on life.  She has been a wonderful voice on the phone when I needed to vent about my own story, afterwards, she opened up, privately, about her situation.

No one would ever know of the personal agonies that hide behind her cheery attitude. 

Sadly, Lydia's story mirrors many victims experiences.

The sensitivity of the following Guest post about Abuse is being labeled with a 'Trigger warning' and not for anyone under 18 to read, unless permission from a parent.

As always, I hope this Lydia brings you inspiration and understanding about a very secretive subject.

I met my husband when I was 26.  

He lived upstairs from me at the apartment I was renting.  I would sit outside on the steps to read ironically, about the time he came home from work each day.  He began to earn my trust by talking about the books I was reading.  

When there was a small fire in the building, we had to move.  We went our separate ways for a while, but he would show up in random places:  at church, at the grocery store, etc.  I didn't realize he was following me.  There were so many coincidences.

I began a new job.  A few weeks later, he just happened to start working there, too.  That's when we started going to breakfast together after work.  He was so charming at first.  

A few months later (This all happened so fast!), he was having trouble finding a place to live.  I thought we were just friends, so I invited him to be my roommate.  I made it clear that our relationship was not going to be sexual.  Even so, he continued to be charming and we started to date.  

Another few short months later, he gave me a ring.  

He was asleep when I came home from work.  When he heard me come in, he popped his hand out of the blankets and in his hand was a ring.  I said yes.  He was still charming.  

Our wedding was a few weeks later.  His charming facade fell away on our wedding night. He changed from this charming, loving guy into an angry control-freak. More about this later.

I inquired whether she had an alarm that went off in her belly, 'Gut instinct'. She states:

Yes, it did.  However, I did not recognize it.  I had been abused by my parents and had therefore not learned to recognize that signal.

Sadly, she is no stranger to abuse. She shared a time in her life when she experienced a dark time:  

Back to the wedding night and honeymoon.  On our wedding night when we arrived at the hotel, I went to the bathroom to change out of my wedding dress.  I heard glass shattering outside the door.  

Somehow, he had broken our wine glasses.  The glass was all over our clothing in our suitcase.  Unbeknownst to me, glass was also on him.  He didn't tell me that there was glass in his penis, yet he proceeded to initiate sex with me.  

As we began, I felt the pain, but since this was my first sexual experience, I thought I should expect some pain.  Soon I discovered the blood.  When I discovered the blood, he began to go on and on about the glass in his penis, yet I was the one bleeding.  I got the glass out of my own body while he proceeded to be angry about the glass in his penis.  I was so confused.  

Where was his anger coming from?  

Why was he angry with me?  

Then, he started laughing and showering me with affection.  I was bleeding so much I wanted to go to the ER.  He begged me not to, saying it was too embarrassing. I listened to him, but was still confused by the change from anger to the love bomb.  I went on as if nothing happened.

On the next several days of our honeymoon, he continued to switch from anger to love-bombing. I continued to be confused, but any attempt to talk to him about the confusion was turned on me stating I was just being silly or oversensitive.  He would also talk in circles, arguing.  He would be arguing without any real point to his argument.  He would change topics often.  

No matter what point I made, he would turn the argument against me.

I asked if at any point in either of any of her situations, did she ever cry out for help to anyone, counseling, help from church or law enforcement? Did anyone ever guess something was off? 

As a child, I once called DCS, asking for help.  When there was an investigation, my parents sweet talked their way through it and threatened to send me away themselves if I ever did it again.  My mother said she would show me what abuse really was.  For the next several months, she emotionally abused me.

When I was married, I no longer recognized abuse as abuse.  

I began to think it was normal.  

Many people, including my ex-husband's parents tried to warn me not to marry him, telling me that I didn't see his true colors.  A friend of mine told me that he was manipulative, controlling, and downright creepy.  

I just didn't see it myself.  

I didn't want to see it.  

Because of the abuse from my parents, I didn't feel lovable.  Here was this man showering me with love.  Sure, he got angry easily, but the love is what I craved.  

I married my self-esteem.  

What kept you going forward?  

When I was a child, hope for a future kept me moving forward.  I did well academically.  I sang well, too.  I was smart and talented.  I knew I would do well in college, and I did.  I had hope for a future that began to come to fruition.

When I got married, that future came to a screeching halt.  My abuser made sure I didn't succeed as a Lutheran Deaconess.  He made sure I didn't participate in vocal performances or choir.  What kept me going then were my children.  I began to hope for their futures as I once hoped for my own.

The questions I hear often is, "Why did you stay?". What were the reasons you stayed?  

First, because of my religious beliefs, I stayed because I did not believe that God wanted me to divorce.  I didn't realize that God also wants us to flee from evil.  I couldn't recognize the abuser as being evil.  

Second, I stayed because of my low self-esteem.  I didn't think that anyone else would love me.  I didn't think I was worth much.  At least I got the love bombs from my abuser.  But over time, those doses of "love" were fewer and farther between.  I didn't know that his "love" was not love at all.  I didn't realize that he was love-bombing me to keep me under his control.

Some victims of abuse do transition into recreational drugs/alcohol, depression, emotional issues or health issues. Had any of these affected you? How are you dealing with your issue and how are you at this point?

I experience depression, even now.  I used to cut in response to the abuse.  I didn't want to, or couldn't lash out at my abusers, so I took it out on myself by cutting.  In order to stop cutting, I began smoking.  I still smoke on and off today.

Children can have various health issues that may not been seen right off the bat as related to abuse. I inquired how her children were handling this situation, she responded:

My children are emotionally delayed.  My son has autism, but I often wonder how many of his symptoms are autism and how many are PTSD.  He has high anxiety and experiences depression.  He goes back and forth between wanting contact with his dad and wanting nothing to do with him.

My daughter has Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  She displays many behaviors that are similar to her father's.  I remind her often that she is not her father.  She has an explosive temper, but is generally the most big-hearted, loving soul.  She has PTSD as well and has recently been making connections between her emotions and what her father did to us.  It is a privilege to watch her begin to heal. 

She is taking the following steps to keep her children and herself safe:

First, I divorced him in 2018.  We are working on our third consecutive protective order.  I have changed our phone number multiple times.  We have a safety plan in place that involves simply calling the police if the abuser shows up and then either exiting the residence to find a safe place, or going to a locked room while speaking to the police.  

Have family and friends been supportive once they have learned of your situation? Did the situation break your relationship with loved ones due to disbelief or fear they have for your abuser?

My family doesn't recognize abuse as abuse because of the abuse we experienced as children.  They are supportive as they can be at this point in everyone's recovery but only one of my siblings can bring herself to call it abuse.  

With friends, I have been blessed.  I reconnected with old friends after the marriage and have rebuilt friendships that were paused while I was married.  I have made new friends with folks who helped me recognize abuse for what it was and stuck with me through it all.

Do you think he will change? If he does, would you go back?

NO! and NO!  Even if he were to change, I can never trust that it is genuine.  

Where do you see yourself a year from now?  

A lot can happen in a year.  

My daughter's healing will likely progress and I expect to see fewer behavioral episodes.  

My son will be less anxious as he begins to trust that the abuser will not be in the picture.  

I will trust myself more as I consistently keep the abuser out of the picture.

How much has you life and have you changed since leaving your abuser?

First and foremost, we are safe.  My health has improved since leaving.  I was having daily seizures and could barely walk, think, or speak much while married.  I haven't had a seizure since the divorce.  While slow at first, I began to walk steadily and think more clearly.  Once the recovery got underway, things moved rather quickly.  I was able to start driving, moved to a new residence and began working part-time.  

My self-confidence is still growing and I believe I am worthy of genuine love.  

My kids went from cowering to looking people in the eye and finding their own voice.

What would you advice can you give to someone that is suffering in silence?  

I would recommend that they find someone to reach out to.  My church helped me so much. Find someone who believes you and can connect you to services such as an advocate.  If the first person you reach out to doesn't believe you or is unable to help, find another person.

I also want to add, that my primary support person is my Pastor.  He saw through the abuser's lies and gently led me out of the prison of abuse.  

Yet, it wasn't my Pastor, but it was God working through him.  God can use anyone to be that person who can lead the way for someone who is still suffering.

Lydia advised that she is open to for contact, if you Dearest Blog reader, would like to discuss her story further. She can be reached at: confessionalmama@aol.com

For help in a abusive situation call-
The National Domestic Violence Hotline-
1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Stay safe and God bless!

How I met the love of my life

I finished my book and hope to have it finalized before the end of the year! 

I've had a wonderful support team help in proofing it and can't thank them enough. They did offer a suggestion...

How in the world did Mr. Awesome (Terry) come into the picture?

I hadn't gave that much thought, until they mentioned it. 

Well! We met via the antique shop I managed with my ex. Terry came in for consignment,with his Sister one evening as I was getting ready to close. His Sister explained that he needed to downsize his home. 

His plan was to sell everything and travel the States. He was also waiting for a job offer to come through. This position was with the government and had already taken a number of months to submit paperwork and an impressive background check.

He liked the shop well enough and decided to allow me to sell his stuff. 

Now, I was still married to my ex and my mind was not on filling my empty heart with another. Though Terry had dreamy eyes (He still does!)

I advised my ex that we had a new guy coming in. I was immediately peppered with questions about Terry's appearance. If I thought he was good looking and the like.

I managed to sell quite a bit of Terry's items in just a few months and he made a wee bit over a grand in just a little time. 

Terry and his brother had went out to celebrate after receiving his first consignment. He gave me a phone call to thank me for all my help. I, so happened to be out with my Son down the street from our home for karate lessons when the call came. 

We chatted briefly. I felt flushed and anxious as I knew Will would possibly check my calls when I arrived back. 

Sure enough he checked my cell and began to interrogate me about who it was. Why did he call? Was I screwing around with him? And so on. This went on for several hours. I adamantly was not having an affair with Terry or anyone else.

Will finally let it go for the night. 

The next day I was called by Will about 4 times an hour, throughout the day to grill me if Terry had shown up. He made a few threatening remarks and of course I was a mess the whole day.

Terry and his brother happen to show up with more goodies to consign. He asked how I was and for some reason the flood gates opened and I just started crying. 

I apologized about not being professional and losing it. He gently told me "No worries". I left them to finish unloading, so I could compose myself. 

I was embarrassed! I didn't intend to breakdown, much less in front of a stranger. Terry finished and came up to the desk. He apologized if his call got me in hot water and said if I ever decided to leave the guy to give him a call. He would be happy to buy me a celebratory drink. 

I thanked him and that was it. I didn't give the exchange any further thought. I would be lying if I didn't want to just rush off with this guy. He seemed so easy going and he made me laugh every time we chatted. 

When Will came to the shop and Terry was around or if he would see him coming into the shop, he would make me go upstairs. We kept stock and other random things up there that was not open to the public. He would call me down when Terry left. 

A few times I heard Terry ask for me, but Will would say I was busy. Will would later mockingly say "Your boyfriend stopped by. Why does he ask for you Mel? Is that because your seeing him?" 

Several months after leaving Will, I had finally decided to call my dearest Friend, Darlene. She had been a good source of solace, friendship and sounding board. I trust her with my life. I mean that! She's my 2nd Momma.

So, we talked about getting together for a evening. I did call Terry for giggles and another friend. Terry was surprised to hear from me, as well as to the news that I was no longer with Will. He promised he would buy me that drink to celebrate. 

Subject change. I've mentioned that I advise against taking up the party lifestyle, drinking and so on. I only do this because of little experience, as small of a window that it was. Do as I say, not as I do! 

Back to the story!

I met Darlene, having 1 Captain and Morgan. My Sister got me hooked on them. I am a light weight! I don't drink a lot. Too much hurts my stomach. So, I am lucky if I get 3 down. Also, I have found through some research my Lyme Disease does affect the body. There I go again, back to the story again.

So, I'm several sheets to the wind after 1 drink. Terry shows up and he converses with Darlene about my state. 

By the way, I am a cheerful person and this amplifies when I've had a few. I sing, dance and laugh a lot (without drinking) figure in drinking. OH BOY! I've been told I'm a blast. Mind you, this is after a drink or 2.

He advises Darlene he will get me some coffee and food in my belly. She leaves me hesitantly but I recall he giving me a hug and telling me to call her the next day if I remember.

Terry took me down the road to a restaurant. I unloaded again! I didn't leave anything out. I told him about the abuse, the swinging, affairs Will had, our cooties (HSV2- Herpes Simplex 2), and my thoughts about running away to a commune or somewhere in the woods to go off-grid. Believe it or not that guy didn't run away screaming. 

I felt relieved. I sobered up pretty well. We talked for hours. We parted ways, but before doing so, he asked me to text him so he knew I made it home okay.  

I texted him and he asked if it would be okay if he could maybe chat with me again or if I would consider going out on a real date sometime. I said sure. I didn't want to sound too eager. The madness of Will was still a huge part of my life at this time. Jumping into a relationship wasn't something I wasn't sure I wanted to do. But, I admit, I really liked Terry.

He called me the next day! He asked if I would go on a day trip with him. It would be a surprise.

We met early in the morning for breakfast. Then we went to go Antiquing! He didn't think I got a chance to do so since I was at the shop about 7 days a week. 

Afterwards we had lunch at a cute little greasy spoon. He said he had another surprise trip in mind. 

I mentioned to him during my drunken rant that of things and placed I hadn't seen or done. One of the places I mentioned was a Casino. So, he took me to Four Winds Casino. It was about a 40 minute drive. He gave me money to play. I lost it quickly. 

Our day lasted from 8:00 am til 10:30ish. I didn't want to it to end! I had a great time. 

He called me for another date and we were Peas in the pod since then! 

Terry became my rock for me when I wavered. He has gallantly helped me through some knee knocking situations during tough times. 

He's wiped my tears, been a big protector of us, made sense of what seemed like insanity. Most importantly, loved my children, even when it was tough to do so. Even now, 8 years later, my heart still skips a beat when I see him. I love him more everyday. 

I'm grateful the Lord opened my heart to love again. It could have been a different situation if I found another like my ex, as so many victims find. 

So, dearest Blog reader, I hope hearing this helps. I pray it aspires your to believe in a "Happily ever after..." It is attainable to find your Mr./Ms. Awesome. Don't give up!


Big hugs!

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Marriage, birth and death

Image result for feeling isolated

I felt very isolated during my relationship with Rob. He seemed to drive a wedge between many of those around me, that I craved a friend desperately.

Any poor telemarketer, door-to-door sales person or Jehovah Witness didn't have a chance if they called or rang our doorbell.
As the kids grew a bit older I had taken it upon me to busy the kids and me with, a stay at home Moms group that I founded and was the president for. Later I moved into a position of coordinator for the state of Illinois. I later stepped down as the President and Coordinator as a member of the group was approached by Will for an affair.

I was devastated! I had enjoyed the position, feeling good about myself and that I was making a difference with other Moms that needed friendship as well.

Will had demanded my time be taken up with lists of house chores, errands and time with him when he arrived home at the end of a long day. Even though I tried to gain normalcy by participating in the school board, scout leader for both my daughters and son, it was in vain. During events or meetings he would do everything he could to make sure we were not out long by calling me constantly, yelling or berating me to get home with threats of harm if I didn't arrive by a certain time.

Invitations by friends and family were declined. I was asked to be a Bridesmaid for one of his cousins and later a high school friends of ours that were getting married. Will was not asked, so naturally I was forced to decline. He was furious that his friend since they were 6 years old hadn't asked him to be part of the wedding at all!
He insisted that everyone was against him. He declared that I would be spitting in his face if I said yes. A few years later, when my friend from high school announced she was expecting and could I be the Godmother, Will was once again upset he was not asked. He did not allow me to say yes, citing once again that he was being shunned.

I was hurt. Will refusing me to even go to these affairs, much less bring a card. We did go.

Any event was always awkward. Will never truly allowing us to have fun. Any time someone talked to me quietly, Will assumed it had to be about him and it must have been something untrue or mean.

It wasn't uncommon to leave a gathering in the middle or with Will in a huff about this or that. All the events he blew out of proportion or he made things to be more than they were.

I missed many funerals.

Who doesn't want to go to one of these right? I’m not being weird. I missed the wake and funeral of my Grandma Lorraine. I missed other family members and friend’s sad time as well. Why? It took too much time away from him or he would complain that we didn't know the person that well.

My friend that I mentioned from high school lost her Dad, I attempted to reach out and help her as best I can. During the wake, Will called me every 10 to 15 minutes asking when I was coming home. He was also accusing me of fooling around rather than going to comfort my friend.

After time, invitations stopped coming. No one wanted Will to attend because of his escalating and erratic mood swings.

I felt alone, angry and depression settled over me, like the darkness of the time early in the morning.