Marriage, birth and death

I felt very isolated during my relationship with Rob. He seemed to drive a wedge between many of those around me, that I craved a friend desperately.

Any poor telemarketer, door-to-door sales person or Jehovah Witness didn't have a chance if they called or rang our doorbell.

As the kids grew a bit older I had taken it upon me to busy the kids and me with, a stay at home Moms group that I founded and was the president for. Later I moved into a position of coordinator for the state of Illinois. I later stepped down as the President and Coordinator as a member of the group was approached by Will for an affair.

I was devastated! I had enjoyed the position, feeling good about myself and that I was making a difference with other Moms that needed friendship as well.

Will had demanded my time be taken up with lists of house chores, errands and time with him when he arrived home at the end of a long day. Even though I tried to gain normalcy by participating in the school board, scout leader for both my daughters and son, it was in vain. During events or meetings he would do everything he could to make sure we were not out long by calling me constantly, yelling or berating me to get home with threats of harm if I didn't arrive by a certain time.

Invitations by friends and family were declined. I was asked to be a Bridesmaid for one of his cousins and later a high school friends of ours that were getting married. Will was not asked, so naturally I was forced to decline. He was furious that his friend since they were 6 years old hadn't asked him to be part of the wedding at all!

He insisted that everyone was against him. He declared that I would be spitting in his face if I said yes. A few years later, when my friend from high school announced she was expecting and could I be the Godmother, Will was once again upset he was not asked. He did not allow me to say yes, citing once again that he was being shunned.

I was hurt. Will refusing me to even go to these affairs, much less bring a card. We did go.

Any event was always awkward. Will never truly allowing us to have fun. Any time someone talked to me quietly, Will assumed it had to be about him and it must have been something untrue or mean.

It wasn't uncommon to leave a gathering in the middle or with Will in a huff about this or that. All the events he blew out of proportion or he made things to be more than they were.

I missed many funerals.

Who doesn't want to go to one of these right? I’m not being weird. I missed the wake and funeral of my Grandma Lorraine. I missed other family members and friend’s sad time as well. Why? It took too much time away from him or he would complain that we didn't know the person that well.

My friend that I mentioned from high school lost her Dad, I attempted to reach out and help her as best I can. During the wake, Will called me every 10 to 15 minutes asking when I was coming home. He was also accusing me of fooling around rather than going to comfort my friend.

After time, invitations stopped coming. No one wanted Will to attend because of his escalating and erratic mood swings.

I felt alone, angry and depression settled over me, like the darkness of the time early in the morning.