Nightmares & Narcissists

Will the dreams and nightmares about my ex stop?!

You left your abuser and now your dreaming about him/her. It may feel like you are still being held captive. When do they stop? Why does it feel like I'm obsessed or have separation anxiety from this person?

The duration of dreaming about your ex can depend on how long you are away from this person. Take the amount of time you were with this person and divide it in half. This will be the “magic” number that will be the amount of time you notice you have made progress on your healing journey.

You are probably frustrated by this. I know I was! How can you break free from these? It can be challenging to start reprogramming your mind to see your bad dreams as a tool to heal and change this into a good thing instead. You can do it!

Know that you are safe! This person can't hurt you anymore. You may feel victimized all over again subconsciously. Stop giving this person space in your mind. The feelings of being unworthy, that your useless, everything is your fault, etc... You may go through nightmare spurts. One day you have them and then the next day you don't!
Dreaming allows us to face our abusers head-on. We can safely explore situations we went through as scary as they may have been for you.

If you sit down and think about why you are having these dreams you may be surprised. It could be you were randomly talking about this toxic person earlier in the day with someone. You could have heard a song, saw an item, went past their house, had a message from them, are you up against a deadline, or something else that reminded you subconsciously.

While you are sleeping your brain may be trying to help you or tell you something by replaying a memory or situation.

How can you start to flip the switch?

1) What unresolved hurts do you have? Those bottled up memories can trigger a bad dream. Getting things down on paper or sharing these with a counselor/therapist/friend can be very helpful!

2) Change the voice of your abuser. Replaying these experiences can be terrifying for you but let's pretend you're watching a movie of a memory between you and that person who hurt you. Change the voice to that person. Make it a cartoon voice or really high and squeaky. Kind of like a chipmunk. Does it make you giggle a little? Going forward every time you think of this person I want you to remember this cartoon voice even in real life. This can help you start to see this person in a different perspective. Most of the talk coming from their mouths is ridiculous. Even if they are trying to bring you down I want you to remember this voice.

3) Before you go to bed begin a practice of watching or reading something positive. Don't binge The Walking Dead, watch the news, or consider putting down your phone. Feed your mind something good. If you have to watch a show make it light-hearted. America's funniest home videos, funny animal videos, listen to the Bible on YouTube, find positive affirmations or Bible verses, or record your own to play as you fall asleep. Color, go for a walk or listen to soothing music. Find a hobby that you enjoy to get this person out of your head. Fill your mind with positives and things that make you happy and if you don't know what makes you happy now is a great time to learn.

All of this does take time. I encourage you to give yourself this time to get to know you. To better understand your reactions to a certain situation and how you can reprogram yourself to react in a way that shows you aren't going to be a victim any longer.

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS,
Mel

Part 1 Tips to cope with being alone after a toxic relationship

It has been ages since I've posted! I'm sorry! I haven't forgotten about you! I have jumped into vlogging and haven't come by here in a while. I have a bunch of things that I will be sharing over the next few weeks or so to catch up! You can find the video here- facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone.

A tough topic for many victims and Survivors is loneliness. 

First off, it is very brave of you to stay alone right now! I'm proud of you! This is a time of being on an emotional roller coaster filled with drama. You may feel like tapping out or giving up. Please don't! Consider talking to a counselor or therapist. This can be a dark time and talking with a professional or trusted 3^rd party can help.

One of the most common experience among victims and Survivors of a toxic relationship is feeling lonely. Personally, I can totally understand! This is a critical time when many jump back into the relationship or start a new relationship before addressing the junk from the past.

It isn't uncommon for this new super loving person to end up being abusive as well leaving you feeling like you are a failure in love or all you attract are losers, no one will ever want me or you may wonder what's wrong with, “ME?!”

If you miss your abuser you are not a weirdo. Even if this person caused you physical pain you loved this person. There were some good times and comfort. You may have been with this person for months, years, or decades, and know that it's okay to grieve. There is no shame in longing for this person back. You knew what to expect, it's familiar and in some ways not as scary as starting over.

After you leave you may notice different physical symptoms- Anxiety, depression, mood swings, nightmares, bedwetting, panic attacks, insomnia, and more. These are probably not “new” symptoms you may have not given these things much thought before. You may not have had a chance to really “feel” your own emotions. You may have had to hide these or brushed them off. Now they seem like flashing lights going haywire. Signs PTSD after a toxic relationship happens often!

Remember, we are no longer living in the past. The past now part of our memories and you are safe. That trauma is no longer happening to you. You are free even if you don't feel like you are.

Right now is the time for growth!

Being alone gives you space and time to rediscover or get to know yourself. Learning to reprogram your mindset, past hurts, figuring out likes, dislikes, dreams, and goals.

I know you may not feel like doing this and honestly, I have no clue about what you experienced. I can tell you that giving yourself the gift of time to begin a new journey will be healing for you.

Start creating boundaries, journaling, create a ritual for you such as rising early to read your Bible, pray, exercise, or creating a positive routine. Do something that gives you a positive feeling. This can be for 5 minutes, a half-hour, or longer! Don't hesitate to find time throughout the day to do something to recharge your spirit. 

What is something that you have done to help you on your healing journey? I'll be back tomorrow with more suggestions. Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Brushing the dust from my knees

I lay curled in a protective pose, trying to shield my head and midsection from the assault that seemed to be over taking me.Terror that filled my bones, my stomach was in knots, I sobbed uncontrollably begging my attacker to please stop. 

I begged for mercy.

I sucked in my breath as the blows to my body, feeling light headed and wishing for death.

I prayed for God to just take me. To end the tirade that seemed to be lasting for hours, but in fact was over in less than a few minutes.

I was hit with sweat and spittle from my abuser as he screamed about how useless I was. That I was a stupid *unt! 

My head hurt, my body ached, I felt myself urinate on myself. I hoped he didn't notice. . .

Too late! He laughed and sneered with disgust at me. He ranted that I was a disgusting pig! He stopped in mid kick. He backed away, muttering under his breath about what a waste of flesh I was and shaking his head. 

He barked to me to get my ass off the floor, clean myself up and I better not have to go to the hospital or else. He yelled that it was my fault anyway and he would deny anything if it came to that.

My breathing was labored. I prayed I wasn't seriously hurt. I brushed myself off, found some clean clothes and was further instructed to take care of dinner.

I made haste and nearly fell down the stairs from our bedroom that was on the 2nd floor, to the sinister smile of my abuser waiting at the bottom of the stairs with open arms to say he was sorry he got out of hand. He made a pouty face and said an almost shy apology. 

He grabbed my hand and pulled me close to hold me. I felt repulsed and dead inside. Confused, hurt and still dazed by the events that had just taken place. I didn't understand why God was letting this happen to me or the kids.

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I felt as though I had floated in and out of that former life. Feeling as though another person had taken my place during times of painful episodes. Not believing there would be anything else that awaited me in the future except a coffin. I saw death by the hand of my abuser or from my own hand as I slumped in a deep depression, unsure of what to do next with my circumstances. I blamed myself. I blamed God. 

I walked about in a nervous fog. I dreamed of happiness. Fantasized of a life of happiness. No drama or violence. Even after chatting with a intuitive friend, Kristy, who advised me that she was worried that I would not survive the upcoming year. My heart knew she saw wasn't far from the truth. I needed to run. I couldn't stay in this crazed relationship any longer. 

Fast forward 5+ years later! 

God never gave up on me and provided the right opportunity to escape. My life now is still a roller coaster. My recent Order of Protection has been granted for no contact with my ex. Though I highly believe he is emailing my daughter, and believe he is pretending to be my older son. 

The girls are happier. Terry and I are best friends. I have been able to grow as a person. Heal and laugh again! That former life and me seems like it is a hundred years away. Helping my daughter from the sexual abuse she suffered is slow and I am not pushing her to relive those events. I have advised her we need to have a counselor or perhaps she needs to discuss with peers someday when she is ready. 

I'm writing as a reminder to others "stuck" you can break free of abuse. No, everything is not perfect. I still am on guard and watch over my shoulder. We don't receive regular child support payments. And there are still nightmares and panic attacks. I am very happy with this second chance at life and feel blessed.

Don't give up my Friend! Please pass this along to anyone else you know or believe is being abused so they can know they are not alone! There is beauty from the ashes!

God bless! Stay safe!

Mel

Flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks

This title sounds terrible! I don't know what else to call it.

The chapter on my marriage to my abuser I consider closed. In reality, my thoughts, dreams and sometimes paranoia run away with me. I foolishly had a thought that with the end of the marriage my bad dreams and other things would vanish. Like Houdini, waving a magic wand... **POOF!** All the feelings of sadness, grief, pain and panic would be gone!

In the real world, these feelings linger for time. How much time is depending on each person and how ever long you were in a relationship with the person that tormented you. No matter, if it was verbal, mental, emotional, physical or sexual, it all takes time to heal.

I'm terribly impatient, I want it over now! Even when I'm in the foggy feeling of losing it due to a panic attack, do I get super frustrated and angry with myself for getting so worked up. And in my head I'm mad that my abuser still has some sort of lasting control that I break down to a breathless, teary-eyed, puddle of goo.

More so lately, I seemed to lose myself in a moment of memories. I seemed to get catapulted to a time when I was still with my ex (gosh I like that!). For some reason, whatever the trigger, I get lost in a blink of an eye. I can smell, hear and feel the raw emotion of past times. There are times when I look over at Terry laying in bed and for a brief moment I feel a panicky feeling that if I look too long he turns into my ex.

If I hear someone with a Nextel or a certain chirp on their phone I look around and feel twitterpatted that it's my ex calling or near me. I see a car that looks like his or a person that from afar looks like him and I feel like my body can't move. Like a deer in headlights.

I don't know when these feelings will leave me. I know my children experience some of similar things. Loud noises and yelling (very rare around here) cause us all to jump out of our skin. I know there are things counselors use. But to tell the truth, I get all panicky about having to go and relive all the memories again. I feel I can do that on my own with no problem! I can take myself back and recall some pretty nasty times.

4 years ago if you would have asked me where I would be today, I would have responded, "In a hole somewhere, in the middle of some lonely spot." I know in my heart, as do many of my family and friends that I would not have survived that marriage longer. Terry and I talked about that the other night. He told me to stop talking about that, he doesn't like that picture. I agree, but the truth of the matter is I would not have survived.

But I did! I got my kids out of there. Though I am sadden by my son's decision to go back to his dad. I almost feel haunted by the decisions I made. I don't question the choice to leave! Oh, Heaven's NO!
I also know that if I didn't decide to do things the way I did, there would be an alternate story to the one I'm in now. I, in some ways, feel as though I'm living a fairy tale. My past is so surreal that it's hard to believe we lived how we did. Survival mode always turned on. Even in the good times!

I want nothing for good things to come from all of this:
1) My son to come to realize that I miss the heck out of him and long to give him a hug again.
2) The girls get some big brother time again. I know they miss him!
3) My ex gets some sort of treatment and help. I pray for the woman that he ends up with!
4) The kids and me finally find an end to feeling scared, panicky and worried about my ex.
5) Someday my ex will have a good, safe relationship with the girls.

I haven't been alone with my ex since Sept 2009. Prior to that, he put his hands on me anytime he could. I don't trust him. I don't feel we can have him over or a bbq anytime soon. Not that we would! The address here is private. That does give me some comfort. In a old voice mail from June, my ex rattle on that I shouldn't blab about our relationship to everyone if I don't want it to get back to him. Funny thing is I haven't. I found out a few people from my old shop (antique store) still read this blog and they were able to make they're own decision about him based on what truth they read. As well as the personal experiences each of them had with my ex.

I'm sitting here shaking my head. Happy to be out and sad to think I am still hiding in some ways. Afraid to go out or announce things about me personally because he may find out where we are or where we live. I don't think I can ever let my guard down. So why I should be happily making wedding plans I have been getting lost in the past more frequently of the late. Not sure why. I needed this! Thank you Dear reader for listening to me rant and rave! All in all I'm forever grateful we are safe, we are loved and we are not alone...

I implore you to leave if you are in a difficult situation that is life threatening or harmful to your well being! Please don't worry about the house or the things in it. Leave with your life! Screw the possessions you can get new things. They are just things! You are not replaceable! Tell someone, call the police, find a shelter if need be, but get to safety!

Many prayers for you with whatever decision you choose to make with your life or the lives of your children/pets. No man/woman is worth risking your life or sanity with the promises that they will change. Please check out my other posts on Safety or Leaving your abuser!

FINALLY, remember you are not alone! God bless!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

5 days and counting until Independence Day!

WOW! I can not believe how time has flown by. 2 years! No final on the divorce and I am thrilled to say I have not heard from him lately (STBX- Soon To Be Ex). Court date is still in June, we have not done the Paternity test yet. Too broke! $500 to get it done, that is a big chunk for us to use right now, me without a job is not helping. On the bright side I had an interview on Friday of which I was asked to come back to shadow tomorrow. I also had a voice mail after church for an interview at Kohl's! WAHOO!

One way or another I will get a job this week, my eBay sales are ok not enough to pay the rent or utility bills but it does help for a small spurlge of lunch or dinner for us. Mad Money! I have been searching for past blogs and can not find them anywhere. I lost them somehow on myspace, so now I decided to look for the hardcopies around here. Wish me luck! I do have a previous post called "Living with a violent person" from 10/2009.

If you know someone dealing with abuse please feel free to email me. I will be happy to listen or point them in the right direction if they need help leaving. Don't be silent!

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Various things come to mind, oh they weren't all that bad, we did have many good times. There were times of hilarious laughter. Things that helped keep me praying, if we could just bottle that time or keep laughing like this then maybe...

Those times had gotten so few and far between that my sanity, let alone my safety was at stake. It had gotten to a point where I questioned so much about myself, being a good wife, mother, person in general. He was so good at manipulating my thoughts and actions I honestly thought I was a terrible person. I believed that I was wrong on so many levels on everything I did. I heard these things so often that I swore it was God's honest truth about me. I believed it... No matter how many books or videos or other self help things on improving myself I read I could never seem to live up to this ideal person he had for himself.

I felt very stupid, like the stupidest person on the planet for many reason, one because I stayed and allowed him to control me. Two because he reminded me that I was! Any self esteem as well as confidence I had were in the toliet. I viewed myself (and I'm still working on feeling better about myself) as a fat, ugly, and stupid person. Anytime I would get a compliment on anything about myself from someone outside left me embarassed and confused. I still get embarassed. I don't see myself as attractive in any shape or form. Beauty of course is in the eye of the beholder and that does make me happy. To know that someone out there takes me for me is very powerful and uplifting.

I'm reminded of that poster back in the 70's, God don't make junk! I leaned on the fact that I am important, I am loved and worthy of being loved. I mattered to those 3 kids that leaned on me to be strong, hold them up, and to be there when they needed me.
I jumped into the mix many times. I watched as he pulled their hair, slapped their faces, as he screamed at them so fiercely that spittle ran down his red face with his eyes bulging (spilt milk or some reason so trival it wasn't worth getting worked up about). I intervened as much as I could, I chased after him around the house as he chased the kids while he was worked up for no real reason but to be mean. I jumped in to take whatever he had to dish out to the kids. At this young age they should be concerned about going to slumber parties and hanging out with friends and not worried about if Dad is going to explode today.

Sneaking calls to me before he got home. Calling me in a panic if he went off on a tangent. Driven to the point where I was exhausted from being on guard while I slept, or during waking hours. Not wanting to leave the house because I couldn't trust if he was going to leave the kids alone or if he was going to go off. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Having my phone chirp and ring all the time because he wanted to know every little detail of what I was doing. It got to the point where I would just make up stuff because he had just called me 5 mins before and there were no changes.

How do you live with a mad man? Patience... Hope and prayer too! You begin to think this is normal. Doesn't everyone live like this? Doesn't everyone have some sort of issue like we do? No telling! It's no one's business so you keep quiet, plaster a smile on your face and pretend this doesn't exist. Pretend that you have the ideal family, that you are living the American dream of sucess, though there are struggles, no telling.

You live to survive, there's a point where you flash into survivor mode. You bring up defenses and just do what you are told to survive. Don't make waves, don't put up a fight. Whether it was out of feeling defeated or survivor mode that's what I did. I slipped into a state of blankness, just going through the motions. Remember I mentioned those little words and situations that make me remember?

I had that several times over the weekend. I remembered several things, cleaning up after he had relations with another. I remember laying in bed during relations praying for him to get done or for him not to touch me. I cried many times laying in a panic at bedtime. I was in a panic because many times I didn't want relations, I was in a panic because what if I fell asleep before he did (he would get upset), what if I didn't perform good enough? Many thoughts would run through my head at once, sometimes it got very noisy in there!

I scrambled in the morning to get his lunch and breakfast. Getting all flustered if I forgot something. I wrote notes, I plastered things on the door before he left, as I would go outside to load the truck and start his vehicle I wanted to remember things he needed. Hell's bell's if I forgot something he needed.  I dressed him, put on his socks, buttoned his shirts, helped him get his layers (if needed) on. I made him coffee or hot chocolate. I did what I could.

Many times the kids were not a witness to violent things that happened at nite or even in the morning. Luckily, I don't think I could look at them with a straight face due to being really embarassed. Embarassed that I was being treated like a dog, that I allowed it. That it seemed so natural and normal so it was ok. Knowing in my heart it wasn't, knowing in my heart this isn't how a relationship is supposed to be. Longing for normalcy, longing for a love that was not hurtful or mean. Longing for a mate that would make me feel safe and loved. I longed for a great love and after awhile I stopped daydreaming about such things as they do not exist, at least that's what I told myself.

The small things got me, pinching, pulling my hair, slapping me or forcing himself on me. That got me, his threats to harm me on some level at times got me mad. I began to tell him was that all he had? Did that make him man enough? Did it make him feel good that he can push me around? That he can push his kids around? Does that make you feel good?

I could picture many times when he had an object in his hands poised to throw at me. I became a good dodger! There are many holes in the walls from things he's thrown at me. Getting angerier because I moved. Duh! And me cleaning up the mess, drywall bits and pieces of whatever he threw at me. My fault that whatever it was now was broken! See what you made me do? Why did you break this, that or the other?

There were things I allowed him to do for the sake of the kids, like cold water. He would get upset so I would stand in the shower while he poured ice cold water on me with a super soaker or while he ran the shower I stood there and took it. It made him frustrations out, rather me then the kids. Or he would put ice down my pants or shove it in other places and he seemed to enjoy me squirming and crying. I didn't sob, mostly quiet tears, I would imagine myself elsewhere. I would go off in my mind almost seeing myself from a distance taking the punishments from afar. Allowing me to drift in peace feeling sorry for that poor woman in the shower or on the floor naked. Feeling bitterness as this was supposed to be someone that was my partner, someone I could turn to and trust.

How many times did I scrub the floor on my hands and knees until it sparkled? I swear he scuffed the floor with tar on purpose! Here I am not allowed to come to bed until the floor was clean, until the kitchen was cleaned. But as I'm doing so I can't make a sound or there would be hell to pay for keeping him awake. Had I done my chores prior I wouldn't be in that mess!

Now in many ways I guess I'm putting things off, dusting, vaccuming and such as defiance or maybe because now I can. I'm not sure which. We are better off. I can sleep without feeling someone kick me or have someone pull me by the hair because I have fallen asleep before him. I don't have anyone choking me or punching me at nite for whatever excuse he would give. I don't have anyone kicking me because I'm not getting done with whatever fast enough.

I'm getting to be happy I don't live with the delusions anymore. I can leave the tv on and wake up in the middle of the nite without anyone making me come back to bed if I don't feel like it. 

I will still have bad dreams, bad memories and some good. We survived and that's what is important. We are around to tell others and hopefully help someone else that is living in that situation. Maybe that's why I'm here... And if that's the case that's fine with me...

Independence day in 9 days!

I am coming up to our Second year Independence Day on Feb 25! I can not believe it has been almost 2 years that I first left my spouse. It has gone by fast and it seems as though it was a lifetime ago and another life.

The life I have now is so much different and comfy. I recently have had some other memories crop up, nightmare last week and a mini panic attack a few days ago. It's amazing how they pop up with a vengence and so fierce they take my breath away. I will not look back as defeated as I felt not so long ago! My ex still looms around. By the grace of God we have not heard much from him, though I do still miss my son terribly. I wonder what he looks like and how much he has changed. I wonder if remembers any of the nasty things we endured. J still wonders why he went back.

Oh but she is such a handful herself! I love my children to pieces but my goodness I was at my wits end last Sunday. I lost it! I said so much I had been holding back from her. I flew off the handle big time! I just said my piece and all was quiet. We have had so many arguments that at times it is like walking on eggshells and it can be crazy worrying about her getting upset. Heaven's! I left crazy and don't plan on living like that again. She can be so mean and violent to her sister, with our concerns that if she will harm her sister further or hurt the baby. When I say violent it isn't throwing knives or anything, it is hitting, it is threats to harm her sister or things her sister loves. And then she gets that look in her eyes that I saw her father have... All is not always nice here.

So Sunday I said those words that I don't really mean... "YOU CAN LIVE AT DAD'S! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!" Of course Terry, being of sound and calm mind suggested we talk and just calm down for a bit. He knew well that I do not want her to live with her Dad. She will never be the same if that happened. I would never hear from her again. Oh, that is guranteed! I could never live with myself, I lost one child and feel regret over that incident. I am not the only one that is healing and relearning how to live, both of my daughters are as well! Right now I am just taking away privileges, making her go to bed early, that sort of thing. SIGH! It is funny you look at my other blog and I feel I come off as a happy go lucky person with a side of insanity in this blog. Getting to the heart of matters and not pussy footing around!

I received a number for another advocate to speak to and I was thinking of perhaps seeing if the local Moms groups may need a speaker to talk about Family violence. Just a thought! I am out of work and besides antiques and blogging, my other passion is spreading knowledge and hope for others that suffer from Domestic Violence.

I reviewed some of my old posts and shortly I will be reposting our escape that I posted orginally in 2009. I did hap on a post from 1/22/09 that I will be reposting next! Have a great night!