I am coming up to our Second year Independence Day on Feb 25! I can not believe it has been almost 2 years that I first left my spouse. It has gone by fast and it seems as though it was a lifetime ago and another life.
The life I have now is so much different and comfy. I recently have had some other memories crop up, nightmare last week and a mini panic attack a few days ago. It's amazing how they pop up with a vengence and so fierce they take my breath away. I will not look back as defeated as I felt not so long ago! My ex still looms around. By the grace of God we have not heard much from him, though I do still miss my son terribly. I wonder what he looks like and how much he has changed. I wonder if remembers any of the nasty things we endured. J still wonders why he went back.
Oh but she is such a handful herself! I love my children to pieces but my goodness I was at my wits end last Sunday. I lost it! I said so much I had been holding back from her. I flew off the handle big time! I just said my piece and all was quiet. We have had so many arguments that at times it is like walking on eggshells and it can be crazy worrying about her getting upset. Heaven's! I left crazy and don't plan on living like that again. She can be so mean and violent to her sister, with our concerns that if she will harm her sister further or hurt the baby. When I say violent it isn't throwing knives or anything, it is hitting, it is threats to harm her sister or things her sister loves. And then she gets that look in her eyes that I saw her father have... All is not always nice here.
So Sunday I said those words that I don't really mean... "YOU CAN LIVE AT DAD'S! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!" Of course Terry, being of sound and calm mind suggested we talk and just calm down for a bit. He knew well that I do not want her to live with her Dad. She will never be the same if that happened. I would never hear from her again. Oh, that is guranteed! I could never live with myself, I lost one child and feel regret over that incident. I am not the only one that is healing and relearning how to live, both of my daughters are as well! Right now I am just taking away privileges, making her go to bed early, that sort of thing. SIGH! It is funny you look at my other blog and I feel I come off as a happy go lucky person with a side of insanity in this blog. Getting to the heart of matters and not pussy footing around!