How does it go?

Repost from 7/2010- I am moving my earlier posts from myspace to blogspot.

I'm not quite sure the tune. Too many thoughts get in the way. It can be hard to remember how to put my best step forward and to not stumble at times. This mad adventure I am on is definately not how I saw that it would go. I expected it to be faster, not easier, nothing is easy. Not anything in life. Not at all.

I kind of wish I had a magic wand at times, to wipe away tears, to change disappointment to happiness and to make things go right. Oh that sounds like a Walgreens commercial for "Perfect". There is no perfect love, no perfect person, no perfect relationships and it can be a hard thing to find a happy ending. There is almost always some load of brown piles dead smack in the way of the trail you are on.

I swear at times God has a sense of humor. I scratch my head and wonder. I can picture Him up there smiling down at me and shaking his head while he watches my antics. Almost comical but in a warm loving manner. Mouthing "I told you so!", but in a Fatherly way.

I rarely get alone time and that's ok. I have alone time on my way to work and school. Oh I do the dishes to clear my mind of any trash or worries that fill my head. I think I have said it before, I can't change my circumstances or life easily but washing dishes, cleaning house, changing my hair color or taking a walk is something I can control. When everything else seems so darn haywire I can always do those things...

Things I have learned while going through my divorce-

It's not easy when you have man that is unstable

Legal land is a long process that takes even longer if you have an unstable spouse

There is no glory in divorce no matter what the situation

There are hurt feelings all the way around during a divorce

Finding out you are preggers while you are divorced is not fun at all takes the process longer in Legal land (though I am sincerely grateful I am being able to have another chance to have this little blessing)

Divorce costs more then your sanity, it charges by the hour

No matter how petty the situation is the tendency of your STBX is to totally blow it out of proportion and you remember one of the reasons you are leaving this person

Supervised visitation... If I could do it over again I would have made sure I put my foot down and said I would do it the place they suggested so not to put undue stress on my in-laws and everyone else involved

I would stand firm with my Order of Protection and no matter what the situation I would have not said anything that could be taken out of context

I do have to laugh about a few things I have heard recently it just reminds me how happy I am to be out of that situation
And no Darlin, the kids don't have to call you! The judge said you can call anytime you like. They are not chained at home and have a tendency to be out with Terry (Yes that man that you come so much to bash, send threats to) or out with family. Imagine that! We are actually moving on! We are actually trying to pick up the shattered pieces of ourself and be happy. Astounding! What a revelation! Sadly our son is caught up in this and hopefully he will come around when he is older. I miss him. His dimples and silly smile. I miss his jokes even though they didn't make sense at times. His hugs and that boyish charm when he batted his eyes at me playfully. I miss the man he's becoming. That makes me sad amongst other things right now.

Despite it all there will be a rainbow at the end of this crazy rainbow. There will be a time when I can look back and just laugh my bottom off and it does seem so very far fetched and out of the realm of reality now. I do know in about 5 years from now I will laugh... One can dream can't she?