That title conjures up some rather wicked thoughts and feelings. Even after almost 4 years, when a memory or talking about the past the emotions can still feel raw. It is not uncommon for me to find some humor in that past life.
Warming up his plate before I plated it
Answering the phone and relaying the WHOLE conversation to him as it is happening
Getting him dressed in the morning and helping him undress in the evening
Warming his boots/shoes on a cold day
Pre-warming the bathroom before he had to leave for work
Why is this humorous now? I guess it's more unbelievable as well as ludicrous to think that I did those things.
But, sad at how feverishly and quickly these things (and other things) had to be done without error.
The kids remember random things from time to time that actually feel stinging to me. And not that they mean any harm but they cope differently then I.
They recently recalled driving in the car. In which many times I would get told to stop the car and pull over so he could drive. I apparently am a terrible driver (so he says). Or they recall him pulling me out of the car by the hair or just screaming at me while I am driving. SIGH!
I need to write more but have to get moving. Please Dear Reader, if you are in an abusive situation, remember there is hope. There are resources available for you! Do it before it's too late! Any form of abuse is just that abuse. No matter if he/she lifts a hand on you or uses words. Love doesn't hurt!
Prayers and love for your safety and sanity!
Friday, December 28, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
OK, so you bucked up, left Mr/Ms abuser. Now what?
Your nose and eyes are red, drippy and there feels as though there is no more tears that can possibly leave your eyeballs. You may have overflowing trash cans filled with wadded up tissues. You have used so many that you resort to toilet paper. Dishes in the sink, house a mess and if you have kids they may also be in disarray.
Your voice mail maybe over full with messages spouting apologizes, more promises of change and forgiveness. Perhaps you may even find a delivery of flowers on your doorstep! (Take them to the nearest nursing/Veteran home they LOVE these! Seriously!)
If you have children, you are not alone in your misery and feelings. You aren't the only one that lost or left a broken relationship. Dig yourself away from bed or the house and talk to your kids. This is not only a confusing time for you but for them as well.
If you notice your child suddenly not wanting to see your ex, try to piece together why. Perhaps your child that is potty trained starts wetting the bed or behavior seems out of the norm after a visitation notate, ask the child or siblings if they know something. Or as a friend that is also a Survivor did, ask them to talk to Pastor or someone they feel safe to talk to.
During the healing process you may notice changes in your child's behavior. Your once outgoing child may seem withdrawn or may suddenly not want friends. Favorite foods may become hated out of the blue. Sudden emotional outbursts are not uncommon.
I am currently dealing with 2 beautiful children (my own) that have developed phobias, socialization issues and an aversion about talking about past abuse. If you can find services in your area that offers counseling for abuse please take advantage! Breaking the pattern of abuse needs to stop with you! Help yourself and your child by joining a support group or seeking counseling.
Build up your child with positive words. Even when you feel like hiding from everything and everyone, remember you are not alone! Goggle or Pinterest social skills or interpersonal skills, great for the kids and you too!
Be safe! Stay strong and remember that ANY type of abuse is NOT love. Your not alone in your struggle. I'm cheering for you!
Friday, December 7, 2012
Your stomach tingles. Your head may pound. You feel like your heart could pound out of your chest any minute!
When it's time to have your "beast" come home or wake up you just never know if it's going to be a great time or having to call the police or for an ambulance. A humiliating call to friends or family to say your ok or that your abuser is at it again. During those times I wished with my whole being to be rescued from the one that loved me. A desperate cry to anyone that would listen. Hot tears streaming down my eyes with an incredible feeling of dread and feeling paralyzed that there was no hope and no where to run.
Anywhere I went he would find me.
Much has changed. We are not holding on to empty promises of change. No putting on appearances that we were a close knit nuclear family with no issues.
It's all good. Right?
It is. For the most part. There is that lingering feeling in my gut to stay focused on our safety. Sounds funny and even very dark. To tell the truth, it is creepy and unsettling. Got this a few days ago from my Gaslighter (he is not the best speller)-
I text the kids. Which I am sure they r not getting. Nice place needs a little work though. And nice wedding to.did not expect to see some people.
And believe me I understand that this is not just a way for you to say don't contact me I understand this is a way for you to start talking to me again. I read between the lines I know you better than anybody else and this is how you do things. there's no harm in wanting to talk with me . talk to me threw another name if you want. create another account somewhere and contact me that way. I understand how hard it is to tell the truth and admitt your wrongs Melinda. I know how hard it is to face the facts. and I know 1 of the main reasons you keep this anger going is because youre afraid of what I might do if you were to ever try to have come back. but the truth is I understand. I'm a lot more understanding and loving and caring and forgiving then you think I am or that you ever think I was. I know that you are the 1 that held out talking to me and that you had secrets and i understand that. and I know you'd rather tell a lie and run away rather than face the truth.but the truth is .the truth will set you free. Am I regretful about the past for somethings yes for a lot of things no. I'm glad to know the truth finally about what you did to matt and your affairs but now that I know the truth I can move on .we both can.I know you still love me and I remember when we where 16 .you told me you would do stupid things and maybe even try to run away in the future., but don't let me go. Dont leave me..well I wount and I didn't. I know I'm a different person I know I'm not the man I used to be. and you can try to crush me all that you want. I will still love you. Was I hurt yes as a matter of fact if this is what you want to hear you hurt me everyday .everyday I'm crushed I endore more pain and suffering than any man should have to .I am devastated beond any point that you can imagine and to be honest yes I do plan on seeking financial restitution for the damage and the pain and suffering and the continue suffering and pain that you and Terry cause me and Matthew on a daily basis. although I'm pretty sure matthew is already obtained his own lawyer to sue the both of you. they are actually keeping me in the dark on this 1. like I said I know that this email is nothing more than a way for you to start talking to me again. and I know you're not happy. and I know that it's not me you're unhappy with. if you truly wanted me out of your life you would let me see the girls. there would be no issues because you would not want the confrontation about it. but by keeping the girls away from us you almost guarantee the fact that we will have to talk again in the future. all I can say is I can forgive you and I'm sure we can move on if you wanted to. but I have nothing from you that says you want to be friends other than these little emails now and then. personally I have to wonder if you are being controlled a lot more than people think. I personaly think your life is not safe and you know matt would not be safe with terry and thats why you distroyed matt so he will not have to deal with terry and so you can make sure that he belives you and you and the girls will stay safe..i also belive that Terry is the reason why the girls do not come over. Maybe because he told u no or maybe because u know they would want to stay with me and that would displease your master ..melinda you can talk to me .
on anouther note and I really honestly think that short of you putting terry in jail for controlling you are forcing you to have that child.and in which case giving Matthew a reason to come to your defense I just don't see him ever dealing with you.of course Terry beating the life almost out of you might be enough ..Matt used to tell me ::ill except her back when she is back with and married and living with u dad.but he doesn't even say that anymore. And to tell you the truth I have just stopped trying to get him to forgive u.I pray it will happen. But I fear it will not..love you always and forever your husband from Christ. Robert
I really have no idea what he is talking about in much of this. If you have followed my blog you know that my ex is a NARC/Gaslighter/Psychopath. He suffers from mental illness according to several therapists/Psychiatrists. Though I can't say that. I believe (and know) he gets a thrill/rush from being in charge (He is a Foreman in the construction field). As for my son, I miss him but realize that he has to do what he needs to do to survive. So, if it means to be a cheerleader for his dad then that is what he is. I pray that when he is old enough to get away and has time to think that we can someday have a relationship.
To anyone that is looking inside the madness of an abusive situation, the whole matter can seem puzzling to you. Why would anyone want to be treated that way?! Why would anyone allow a person to beat on them, call them names or harm they're children?! Stepford wife?
It's conditioning. It's slow and you don't even realize it's being done to you. You question your self constantly. As time goes on it becomes so easy to believe the things your abuser does to you and your family. You become conditioned to believe there is no better. You are his/hers. There is no one else. Or all others will do worse to you. Abuse can be just words, which I believe sometimes cut so deep that they can be worse then getting beaten. Mind games, physical or sexual abuse are just as bad. But, in many cases until you totally make the leap out of the relationship you can't realize how many forms of abuse you actually suffered. This can take months or years to discover! It can be very eye opening as well as unfathomable that you survived. It all seems surreal to me. I probably say that so too many times, but it's the truth!
I read some post once about a woman that was looking for advice about being in an abusive relationship and most of the responses were actually bashing the woman instead of the abuser! One woman wrote that she should have read a book about abuse before she got into the relationship (Lundy Bancroft). HUH?!
Hindsight is 20/20. If she knew then what she knew now...
Once again, if you know someone that is being abuse please listen. Sometimes that is all one needs. Don't bash the abuser while speaking with your friend. Your words can backfire and she/he can empathize with the abuser and turn on you!
Offer a plan to help the victim find safety. Listening is all good but there comes a time when you may have to say "Enough already!", while rolling your eyes at your friend. She needs some reassurance, kind words to know that it can be ok. And she may need to know she has somewhere to go when "She" knows it's time to take the leap to leave. Help her stay strong. You may need to start gathering the information for police, Pro-Bono attys, counselors, DV advocate, shelters or housing.
When you are in the moment, living day to day in fear, the hardest thing can be to think straight about where you are going after you leave. Please view previous posts about Safety or leaving your abuser for ideas and tips about how to plan for leaving a volatile situation. Remember to protect yourself in these matters as well. One never knows how the abuser will act towards anyone helping the victim. Stay strong and positive.
BIG HUGS to you!