Kids, Social skills and abuse

OK, so you bucked up, left Mr/Ms abuser. Now what?

Your nose and eyes are red, drippy and there feels as though there is no more tears that can possibly leave your eyeballs. You may have overflowing trash cans filled with wadded up tissues. You have used so many that you resort to toilet paper. Dishes in the sink, house a mess and if you have kids they may also be in disarray.

Your voice mail maybe over full with messages spouting apologizes, more promises of change and forgiveness. Perhaps you may even find a delivery of flowers on your doorstep! (Take them to the nearest nursing/Veteran home they LOVE these! Seriously!)

STOP!

If you have children, you are not alone in your misery and feelings. You aren't the only one that lost or left a broken relationship. Dig yourself away from bed or the house and talk to your kids. This is not only a confusing time for you but for them as well.

As time goes on there needs to be healing for all of you. While you may get the luxury of only dealing with your abuser at court or visitation, your child may have to see the abuser. Just because you leave doesn't mean your abuser stops being an ass. He/she may redirect abuse to your child. Playing mind games. "Don't tell Mom/Dad" or "It's a secret". The child may be confused, scared and not sure who to trust. Studies show that boys do side with the male and vice versa with girls of abuse.  I mentioned many times about leaving a paper trail, this doesn't end once your separated. Keep a log/diary/journal of how the visit with Mom/Dad went. Look at body language, attitude or for physical marks. I'm not saying every mark on your child is due to your ex- growing kids do have many boo-boo's. Note strange or out of place marks. If they are bad take pictures and report them to police!

If you notice your child suddenly not wanting to see your ex, try to piece together why. Perhaps your child that is potty trained starts wetting the bed or behavior seems out of the norm after a visitation notate, ask the child or siblings if they know something. Or as a friend that is also a Survivor did, ask them to talk to Pastor or someone they feel safe to talk to.

During the healing process you may notice changes in your child's behavior. Your once outgoing child may seem withdrawn or may suddenly not want friends. Favorite foods may become hated out of the blue. Sudden emotional outbursts are not uncommon.

I am currently dealing with 2 beautiful children (my own) that have developed phobias, socialization issues and an aversion about talking about past abuse. If you can find services in your area that offers counseling for abuse please take advantage! Breaking the pattern of abuse needs to stop with you! Help yourself and your child by joining a support group or seeking counseling.

Build up your child with positive words. Even when you feel like hiding from everything and everyone, remember you are not alone! Goggle or Pinterest social skills or interpersonal skills, great for the kids and you too!

Be safe! Stay strong and remember that ANY type of abuse is NOT love. Your not alone in your struggle. I'm cheering for you!

BIG HUGS!
Mel