What Is Abuse And What Does It Look Like?

 

Abuse is more than physical...

It's more than just physical! Know you are not alone and if you need to find resources or help message me privately. I've been there and know how difficult it is to leave and to stay gone. I neglected to share that there is also Immigration abuse.

Abuse can be all about an abuse of power

Substance abuse

Cyber abuse

Elder abuse

Emotional abuse

Mental abuse

Sexual abuse

Teen dating violence

Financial abuse

Verbal abuse

Physical abuse

Immigration abuse

Find the link to this video here-What does abuse look like?

Someone out there needs to know they are not alone and that they can survive. Perhaps you are a parent or friend of someone trapped in an abusive relationship and need to
know how to help. My goal is to share awareness, offer empowerment, and educate others about emotional traumas and domestic abuse. Here I will share my story and also stories of courage and healing from Survivors, Coaches, to Therapists/Counselors.

Find me here- https://linktr.ee/melindakunst

Find help and info here-

National Domestic Violence Hotline- https://www.thehotline.org/

Safe Horizon- https://www.safehorizon.org/

https://www.domesticshelters.org/

https://internationalwomenshouse.org/get-help

https://www.domesticshelters.org/.../national-global...

Sexual Assault Hotline- https://www.rainn.org/

Stay Safe!

Mel

Using the "Grey Rock Method" to deal with a toxic person

So what is the Grey Rock Method? 

It was first mentioned by a blogger named Skylar who wrote an article on 180rule.com. In 2009 after leaving a relationship she poured out her story to a stranger. After she shared he told her that he was a malignant narcissist. He then told her what he did to his girlfriend when he experienced something similar. The idea is that your responses are as exciting as a dull rock. This doesn't attract attention and blends in with your surroundings.

With a toxic person, you are a shiny trinket to them. Like a cat playing with a Christmas, they enjoy batting around those ornaments. With the abuser, you are that ornament! They want what you have. Your tears, your reactions, screams, or when you throw things this gives your abuser fuel. Don't give them what they want that is your energy. They crave your reactions. In a sense, they are addicted to drama and you may notice it seems like an endless cycle of problems or issues with people or make otherwise simple situations escalate into something big.

With the Grey Rock method, you become that rock. You channel boring, non-nonchalant, or canned responses. Now, this may not be a long-term fix for you or your situation.

When possible go “No contact” keep a paper trail, do your correspondence in writing instead of face-to-face. Having a history or documentation of your situation is important.

It may be practical to go no contact. If you have to have contact because children together, or you have a job where there is a toxic person or holiday gatherings with toxic family members try using this method. Let's dive in!

When you do this method you are in going to use responses that are not engaging. You will keep your end of the conversation to being brief and a matter of fact, using a simple- Yes, No, Meh!, Eh?!

Use little to no emotion when responding. Maybe they ask how your weekend went, you can reply, “It was fine”, or if they ask

Don't feed their drama! This can be addictive to them but to you as well!

Don't give out personal details about your life or things going on with you.

Keep it as impersonal as possible.

Keep busy during these interactions. Don't stop what you are doing!

Step back and observe the behavior of your abuser rather than let them push your buttons.

Put emotional distance between you and this person. It can be hard especially if you have deep feelings.

Don't tell the person this is what you are doing.

You may want to pace yourself so they don't catch on Remember this is temporary.

If this is between friends, family, or workplace consider finding an exit strategy that may include physically leaving the situation, holiday gathering, or the relationship.

In a sense, you are manipulating the situation and disconnecting yourself as well as those emotions that you may need to deal with to start healing.

Focusing less on the drama from your relationship and more on yourself so you can learn your triggers and more about your wants and needs.

Avoid bringing up the past! Bringing up past wounds can spark an argument. Don't take the bait!

What is the Yellow Rock Method?

You are using the Grey Rock method but adding; Please, Thank you! Or “Hello!

This person is going to paint you in a bad light. Let it go! Shrug and walk away.

The ultimate answer for this is to leave. This may require lots of thought prayer and planning. If you need help with don't hesitate to message me privately. Know you are not alone on this journey. I'm cheering you on!

Someone out there needs to know they are not alone and that they can survive. Perhaps you are a parent or friend of someone trapped in an abusive relationship and need to know how to help. My goal is to share awareness, offer empowerment, and educate others about emotional traumas and domestic abuse. Here I will share my story and also stories of courage and healing from Survivors, Coaches, to Therapists/Counselors.

You can find my books and my Journals here- https://www.amazon.com/Melinda-Kunst/e/B0788SWSB1

Find me on Facebook here- www.facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone

The Survivors Cafe on Facebook is a private community for women- https://www.facebook.com/groups/724081331311924

Find help and info here- https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.domesticshelters.org/

https://internationalwomenshouse.org/get-help

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations

Sexual Assault Hotline- https://www.rainn.org/

National Suicide Prevention- Lifeline-800-273-8255

Sending you lots of love and BIG HUGS! Mel

Did I mention I started a podcast?! I did! Find this here-

Hope when there was none Podcast

Red flags you should look for in any relationship

Are there warning signs you should be on the lookout for in a relationship? You betcha! Here are a few to keep watch for! This applies to any type of relationship! Not just with an intimate partner. Honestly, I wish I would have known these were a thing. What I know now... I'm sure you feel the same way! So here are some things to look out for. 

1) Is there a history of violence?

2) May have a mysterious reason why they don't like people.

3) Wants to get serious real quick.

4) Is this person overly possessive and jealous?

5) Begins isolating you from family and friends.

6) Doesn't listen to you or your opinions.

7) Bossy and inconsiderate.

8) Dictates where you go, what you wear, and what you enjoy.

9) Monitors your calls, texts, and/or social media.

10) Blames you for all their issues even if you had no part in whatever the situation.

11) Puts on a display of affection and caring for others but behind closed doors talks poorly about them behind their back.

12) Makes fun of you.

13) Manipulative.

14) Ignores your boundaries.

15) Doesn't include you with friends or family outings or gatherings.

Of course, the HUGE red flag is if the person uses intimidation, threats, demeans you, or violence against you.

These are just some of the red flags that are out there. I've included the video that you can also listen to. If you need to talk don't hesitate to message me or find me on FB at https://www.facebook.com/melinda.kunst.58. Stay safe! 

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Part 2 Tips for coping with loneliness after a toxic relationship

I'm back to share some other ideas for beating loneliness. 

Reach out to support groups in your local area- shelters or church groups. These don't necessarily need to be related to abuse recovery. If you can't get out to do so find a group virtually!

What are hobbies that you enjoyed in the past? What are things you like to do or have always wanted to do? What were you not allowed to do in the past?

Can you have a pet at your new residence? Pets can give you unconditional love, fill a void when you feel lonely, and be a good companion!

Have you thought about writing your story? Now is a good time to write that story, write a letter to that toxic person, or at least get past experiences on paper for legal purposes but also to help you heal. What have you been holding onto? What are your fears? List the good, the bad, and ugly. Don't judge yourself. Just write! If you are typing this out I know it's tempting to hit the delete button but don't! I encourage you to handwrite your thoughts. 

If you don't wish to keep these writings down burn them! Burning these can be very therapeutic. Burn this letter in a fire-safe vessel or in a safe place.

Remember your past, those negative emotions/thoughts of sadness, bitterness, anger, fear no longer serve you. Whatever is deep within you let it come out. Any feelings that bubble up during this time allow them to come. Acknowledge them and let them go. You can read this letter aloud or say a prayer releasing the past, the energy, or the situation. Don't keep the ashes allow them to go into the garden or the garbage (after they have cooled down!). Ask God to heal this situation and to bring light out of the darkness. You can repeat this whenever you feel the need.

Anytime you feel stressed out or panicky bring yourself to the present. This is your new beginning.

When things are going wrong- Shift! Trade those negative vibe thoughts with positive thoughts. Easier said than it's done but taking your power back can make you feel wonderful. Ditching the past is setting you free. It's freeing to cut that experience or person away from you.

Put the brakes on the news (even social media), negative or sad movies/songs. Watch or listen to positive and empowering things.

Will everything is rainbows and glitter? No, it may be a challenge but keep going up that hill. I know you can do it!

Part 1 Tips to cope with being alone after a toxic relationship

It has been ages since I've posted! I'm sorry! I haven't forgotten about you! I have jumped into vlogging and haven't come by here in a while. I have a bunch of things that I will be sharing over the next few weeks or so to catch up! You can find the video here- facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone.

A tough topic for many victims and Survivors is loneliness. 

First off, it is very brave of you to stay alone right now! I'm proud of you! This is a time of being on an emotional roller coaster filled with drama. You may feel like tapping out or giving up. Please don't! Consider talking to a counselor or therapist. This can be a dark time and talking with a professional or trusted 3^rd party can help.

One of the most common experience among victims and Survivors of a toxic relationship is feeling lonely. Personally, I can totally understand! This is a critical time when many jump back into the relationship or start a new relationship before addressing the junk from the past.

It isn't uncommon for this new super loving person to end up being abusive as well leaving you feeling like you are a failure in love or all you attract are losers, no one will ever want me or you may wonder what's wrong with, “ME?!”

If you miss your abuser you are not a weirdo. Even if this person caused you physical pain you loved this person. There were some good times and comfort. You may have been with this person for months, years, or decades, and know that it's okay to grieve. There is no shame in longing for this person back. You knew what to expect, it's familiar and in some ways not as scary as starting over.

After you leave you may notice different physical symptoms- Anxiety, depression, mood swings, nightmares, bedwetting, panic attacks, insomnia, and more. These are probably not “new” symptoms you may have not given these things much thought before. You may not have had a chance to really “feel” your own emotions. You may have had to hide these or brushed them off. Now they seem like flashing lights going haywire. Signs PTSD after a toxic relationship happens often!

Remember, we are no longer living in the past. The past now part of our memories and you are safe. That trauma is no longer happening to you. You are free even if you don't feel like you are.

Right now is the time for growth!

Being alone gives you space and time to rediscover or get to know yourself. Learning to reprogram your mindset, past hurts, figuring out likes, dislikes, dreams, and goals.

I know you may not feel like doing this and honestly, I have no clue about what you experienced. I can tell you that giving yourself the gift of time to begin a new journey will be healing for you.

Start creating boundaries, journaling, create a ritual for you such as rising early to read your Bible, pray, exercise, or creating a positive routine. Do something that gives you a positive feeling. This can be for 5 minutes, a half-hour, or longer! Don't hesitate to find time throughout the day to do something to recharge your spirit. 

What is something that you have done to help you on your healing journey? I'll be back tomorrow with more suggestions. Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Small steps to healing after an abusive relationship

After you leave an abuser there is a time of growth if you put in the work. You will see signs of abuse from others around you. Toxic people will seem to come out of the walls. What is happening is an awakening in you! This is a good thing! Now it won't happen overnight. Part of figuring it all out is digging deep within and learning how to fight fair, how to handle difficult people, healing yourself and children. 

Now there are some victims/Survivors that never seem to break free of the cycle and they end up repeating the mistakes they made in previous relationships. This can get passed down to the next generation. Or there can be bitterness and brokeness that never heals causing the victim/Survivor to have an attitude of "Nothing ever goes right or I always choose losers or even that they will never find anyone that will treat them right."

The wonderful news is that it doesn't have to be that way! Making tiny changes in your life daily can make a HUGE impact going forward. You can do this without breaking the bank! I promise! How?

Search out podcasts, blogs, online groups, books (visit your local library to take out books or request books! Visit second-hand stores, or yard sales for discounted books), and videos (Hit YouTube Baby!)that deal with abuse but don't stop there! Sometimes these can get pretty heavy so take a break from those. There could be triggers in various posts or what you see or hear just may continue to open your wounded heart. So, step back and listen/read motivational posts or memoirs. 

Shake it up with watching something funny. I love watching older comedies that I don't have to worry about the content being too edgy (bad words or sexual scenes). You can find me catching I love Lucy, The Carol Burnette Show, Golden Girls, Fresh Prince, Friends, and there are more.  

Turn on the radio and dance! If you have littles, have them busta move with you!

Grab some paper and pen and start journaling. A recent guest on my podcast, Dyanne Kelley shared that setting the timer for as little as 5 minutes can help you learn much about yourself. Find that here-Dyanne Kelley of Soulfire Woman. 

Get outside kick off your shoes and ground yourself! As little as 15 minutes a day you can recharge your body! This can help with anxiety, health challenges, and can be a mood booster. 

Find your tribe! Kick those naysayers to the curb. This may mean you disconnect with long-time "friends" or family members. Connect with local support groups or online groups to make positive connections. 

Pick up a new hobby or dust off an old one!

Get out and travel! Just grab the kids/furbaby, and hit the road. Even if it's just an hour away. Sometimes a change of scenery can work wonders. Hitting the beach or lake can be rejuvenating as well. 

These are all simple steps you can take back your life. As time goes on (finances too!)consider going to counseling, volunteering at a shelter to share your story, joining motivational/empowerment workshops or retreats.

In other news, I have been busy with bringing experts and Survivors of abuse to you! You can find these on my YouTube channel, or the video section of Hope when there was none and Melinda Kunst. 

There is a mighty group of Survivors that I started a bit ago. It is closed and for women only to help with building up your spirit. Many are from various stages of recovery some are still trapped but planning on leaving others have made leaps and bounds with their healing journey. I invite you to join us here- Hope when there was none group

Whatever your journey, know that I am cheering you on! Stay safe and stay strong!

Love ya,

Mel

I was married to a Psychopath and lived to tell about it

Taken March 2009

I wandered around a small pond on a beautiful sunny afternoon. I should be soaking up the beauty that Spring day in May of 2007. Instead, I was walking back to my car after crying buckets. I was feeling sorry for myself and add in a dash of guilt for leaving my then 15-year marriage. 

I ran away from my husband, going to the nearest shelter. Now there were questions ran through my head, was I being irrational? 

Maybe I imagined things were wrong in my relationship or it wasn't as bad as I thought. Perhaps the Ladies at the women's shelter didn't know what they were talking about (Yes, I really pondered that one). I questioned every memory, the fights, the promises that he would change, and where do I go from here?

About that time my cell chirped, I about jumped to the sky. My nerves were shot, every little sound and person that came near me scared me. I wasn't expecting calls nor did I want to talk to anyone.

I looked at the caller id and saw that it was from the hospital where "he" was. He had been admitted the day before for observation for attempting suicide after I hadn't returned home. 

Despite my best judgment, I answered. 

The voice on the other line was female. She introduced herself as one of the doctors evaluating "him" and wanted to reach out to provide me with an update of current findings that she found particular. 

She went on to describe the many DSM-IV (Diagnostic and

See Difference between Sociopath and Psychopath

Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 4th edition). He fit in the category for Depression, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, and more. 

My mind was spinning. I had no words. I was not sure how to feel. When she asked if I was still on the line, I stuttered that I was but was digesting all of this news. With that, she asked if I was okay and advised she had even more concerns. I nodded as if she could see me. She went on to ask if I knew who Ted Bundy was. Biography- Ted Bundy

I didn't understand. I asked said yes but what does that have to do with anything. I was puzzled and caught off guard by her question and saying of course. 

Her next comment floored me and threw me for a loop. "Melinda, this is between me and you but his obsession and fixation with you are not healthy. You need to stay away from him. What also causes my concern is his Psychopath tendencies. I compare him to Ted Bundy. He is charming, smart, and seems friendly."

My throat felt tight. I couldn't say anything. My mind was reeling! I forgot to breathe. She was going on and on but her voice became fuzzy. I couldn't comprehend more. It seemed unbelievable the news frightened me while at the same time I felt relieved. It wasn't in my head! I was experiencing situations that were due to him. 

Did I stay gone? No! I went back. I was won by pleading from his Mom. She said that he was sick and needed help to get better she had promises of change now that he was prescribed medication. Two months later I left for a second time after he moved in a sister wife. You heard me right! And I do not blame his Mom at all, she believed his promises too. 

I know you're shaking your head. That situation was also crazy and weird. As quickly as it happened she left. I realized my mistake of coming back that second time and began planning to leave for good. Believe or not I had hit rock bottom. I was suicidal with a twisted thought I wouldn't survive another year if I stayed. I was torn do I take my own life or do I just let him?

I left for good in February of 2009. 

I am ashamed to admit for well over two decades I was raped, suffered other sexual, verbal, emotional/mental, financial, and physical abuse. I allowed myself to not only be treated in such a way but to continue to stay on. Believe it or not, I felt sorry for my abuser! I believed him when I was told I would be ruined if I ever left him. That I would only be good for something if I was on my knees and I would never make it without him. 

During the time I stayed with him I was threatened to have my life, the lives of my children and loved ones taken. This threat followed after I left. I was physically stalked and cyberstalked. I was the target of a "Hit". 

Stories he generated to new friends and anyone that would listen painted me out to be the abuser. Even turning away my eldest Son against me. He went on to say I made up stories that he molested our eldest Daughter after she shared this heartbreaking information with me many years later. He told others that I was loose and possibly on drugs.

Yes, I stayed and believed his promises. I made choices that I thought would help our relationship. I made choices that I thought would help me break free without guilt. 

Should I have listened to my guts early on and just left? Yes. Should I have left sooner? Yes. Would I have saved myself decades of sadness? Yes. Is there still shame? Yes. Are there regrets? You betcha! 

What is done is done. I can't take back any of my own actions or how I handled situations. But, when I left that last time I saved my Daughters lives by leaving. I took back my life, dignity, and respect. 

This is a bit of my story. Can you relate? Now don't compare your story to mine. Just because you didn't experience the range of abuse that I had, don't think that maybe your situation isn't "that bad". Love Bug, abuse is abuse no matter how you try to make excuses for it. 

Dear One if any of this resonant with you and you want to talk privately, please message me here or on my Facebook page- Hope when there was none.

If you are in an emergency situation contact the police! Don't hesitate or wait until it is too late!

Here are some other great organizations that can help you-
Safe Horizon
National Domestic Violence

Visit my page Hope when there was none page for tips and inspiration. Find my 10-year Survivalversary video here-10-years out

I do have a closed support group on Facebook is for women of any age who are victims/Survivors of Abuse for healing and self-care.  Please message me privately here or on the Hope when there was none page to join. 

Please stay safe! Know you are not alone and that you are not to blame!



BIG HUGS!
Mel

P.S.- Can you help me by sharing this and commenting? My goal is to reach anyone that is not sure if they want to leave. I would really appreciate it!

*Find my books, "Call me Master" and "Rising from the Ashes" here- Amazon and visit my Facebook Author page for upcoming book releases, events or to book a speaking engagement here-Author page

14 of the most super popular blog posts

I have been getting many new visitors which always leaves me with mixed feelings. I want to give you a shout and say, "Welcome! We hit 138,000 views and this blog post is #298! Please subscribe and thanks for stopping!" but I feel conflicted to break out the balloons. You see, many of you are here because you are seeking answers on how to deal with an abusive situation and not to look up the latest craft or recipe.

There were times when I wanted to throw in the towel and not blog anymore because of feeling that I couldn't help anyone that reads these posts. Heck, there were times I could barely help myself! How could I give words of wisdom to the many that have emailed me privately? 

The days and weeks following leaving my ex, I swear I could have taken out stock in tissue. It seemed like every time I turned around my eyes were leaking. I cried so many tears I was surprised I had salt left in my tears. (Yes, that song by Martin Briley is now playing in my head for those of you that were around in the '80s do you remember the song?)

It wasn't until THIS YEAR that I embraced my "calling" or my "purpose". What is it? This! This blog, my books, going out to speak about my story, making videos and meeting people to hear they're stories. To give a hug or just listen. 

Now, you may be saying, "But, you have been doing this all along!" I had a hard time realizing that THIS is what I need to do. Seriously! If you look at some of my posts you may find me whining about not knowing what I should do with my life.

This is not just any blog, the book sales are not to make money, (I have given more books and royalties away than what I pocketed- not a brag!) or the speaking I have done is not just for fanfare. 

It's for my children. So they can learn that the relationship I was in with their father was not normal. That love doesn't have to physically or mentally hurt.

And there is YOU! Yes, you and those that are unsure if they should leave. It's for those that no longer can speak due to their lives being taken from domestic abuse. Know you are not alone Dear One. 

If you are unsure where to start on your journey take a peek at the most popular blog posts here-

Early warning signs of an abusive personality

Status hearing next week

Gaslight's- Sociopath mind games

Positive affirmations for you!

Violence is an EXCLUSIVE GROUP and CLUB!

Positive affirmations, a new Vision board, and 5 goals!

Positive affirmations for victims

The effects of Family violence with children

What to expect from a shelter

Advice from Survivors of abuse

Keeping yourself safe after you have left an abusive situation

Checklist for leaving an abuser

Girl! You need a safety plan!

Tips to keep YOU safe during the holidays

I hope this helps you on your journey! If you need to talk feel free to message me privately at blessmeplz@gmail.com.

I started a closed group page for victims and Overcomers to share and encourage one another with respect. I will be changing this to a secret group at the beginning of the year.
Find it here to join-Hope when there was none group
Check out my page here- Hope when there was none page



Have I told you lately that I love you? 

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Tips to keep 'YOU" safe during the holidays

This time of the year is supposed to be joyous and happy but if you are a victim of abuse it can be a nightmare.

You may have heightened stressors as you potentially experience any of these:

Financial issues- lack of funds from overspending, job loss or layoff.

Getting together with family- While normally can be wonderful there could be pressures or conflict on top of dealing with your abuser.

Increased alcohol/drug use- It is not uncommon for usage of these to be more abundant.

Vacation- Your partner or loved one may be off for an extended time causing more heated exchanges.

What can you do?! 

1) Keep your phone charged at all times. Make sure you have trusted contacts on speed dial. This could be:

911 in the States for immediate assistance- Teach your children this number too! 

Family or Friend- These can help pull you out of a heated situation or act as a witness. Consider using a "Safe word" such as Gingerbread or Eggnog for a text or while you are on the phone. This can alert your person that you need help NOW.

Women's shelter

The Hotline - 1-800-799-7233   1-800-787-3224 (TTY) En Español

Safe Horizon -1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

NCADV - Resources page for National and International help

2) Along with the safe word tip, if you have a good relationship with your neighbor think about having a certain color light that can be lit when if you need assistance. If they feel comfortable they may ring the doorbell or knock to check. They could also call the police for you to do a wellness check.

3) Download a safety app such as - Circle of 6

4) If you are meeting your abuser for a visitation exchange contact a friend to go with you. If you can not find a friend, make sure this is done either in the daylight or in a public well lit area. Contact your local police department and give them the "Cliffnote" version of your situation and ask if they can meet for the exchange. They are happy to assist with this and will give you instructions on how to handle the situation. 

5) If you are still with your abuser make sure you have an escape plan. Don't back yourself into a corner or room without a window. 

6) Contact your local shelter for a Safety plan. You may not be leaving this second but empower yourself with knowledge of how to handle an escalated situation. 

Be safe! Know you are not alone in your struggle. If you need to talk feel free to message me privately. 

I started a closed group page for victims and Overcomers to share and encourage one another with respect. I will be changing this to a secret group at the beginning of the year.
Find it here to join- Hope when there was none group

Have I told you lately that I love you? 


BIG HUGS and stay safe!
Mel


P.S.- More news coming soon from my home front.