A little about me

Saturday, August 31, 2013

I'm so stupid! *Updated*

Work is especially stressful, I am in Customer Service and being yelled at and cursed at from time to time is not pretty. I feel tense. Being on the phone with an angry person on the other end does not help my PTSD and ulcer. Anxiety has reared it's ugly head! And though my Supervisors say to blow it off, it is hard! I find myself nearing panic attack status. I enjoy the people! The Co-Workers are amazing people and many have way more issues then I. I almost feel bad for whining right now.

I'm grateful I have a job! I really am! I just need to learn how to de-stress. Or maybe how to deal with escalations better. I admit I crumble in a heated situation. I honestly feel I have the deer in the headlights look during one of these calls.

I had a really nasty day last week. Well, let me backtrack a bit. Over 90 days ago I blocked both my ex and son from my cell phone. I had to. The messages were nasty, heated and inappropriate. My ex had been advised by the court to only contact me via text or email or by his mom in EMERGENCY. He decided, AGAIN, to thumb his nose at authority (I don't know why this surprises me) and he texts. My son got involved by demanding to speak to his sisters. Anyway, long story shorter, the 90 days have lapsed so I start getting messages again. From my ex they are syrupy sweet- "Good night my baby girls. Daddy loves you." Or "Have a great day at school my ladies."

Even though these aren't bad, every time I see a message from him I notice a physical change in me. Terry noticed to and urged me to just block him. So, I did. A few days later my son starts with the demands about his sister. I did talk to him on the phone! I saw he called while I was at work and darned my hopeful heart! I asked how he was just just said I want to talk to my sisters. I went to your house and no one was home. I admit I was rocked back in my heels! Thoughts raced through my head about how they tracked us down! The address he gave was wrong. I blurted out it wasn't ours. AGH! I should have kept my mouth shut! \

I talked to Terry about the call. In the mean time several days later the girls did talk to him. They had a pleasant conversation. Though my youngest daughter flipped out after talking to him.Nothing bad was said, but she reverted to more of a scared rabbit behavior.

OK, fine. We got through the call. Subsequently, a few days later another few text messages come through.  I responded back. BIG MISTAKE! A heated exchange took place, on his part, he said some really hurtful things. I was a mess for the reminder of the day at work. I had missed a call from a dear friend earlier and called her back afterwards.

I heard her voice and she seemed to have sensed something, by the way she is a also a Survivor of abuse. We call to check on one another or email from time to time. She has been such an inspiration for me! I had played it cool and then the flood gates opened and I couldn't stop blubbering about the exchange with my son. She put me at ease with some kind words and prayers.

In the mean time, I did something so stupid over the exchange with my son. I invited him to church.


Mel? What's up with that? Why is that bad you ask?

My son and his dad are not allowed to know where we live for safety issues. Well my big mouth invited my son to church. Now, I'm terrified they will show up or stalk the parking lot. Tomorrow is going to be a really scary day. We now have to watch our backs.

All these thoughts are racing through my head! What if he places a tracking device on our car? What if he has someone follow us? What if someone shoots us from a long distance? What if my son attacks us? Or hurts his little brother? All of that due to the brainwashing from his dad.

I miss my older son terribly. I miss his smile. I miss his quirky sense of humor. I miss him.

So, now, I feel so dumb!All my words of practicing what I preach out the door! *POOF!*

I continued to beat myself up this week. Dreading tomorrow. . .

Blessings my Dear Reader! Remember thing like the above is something NOT TO DO. SIGH!


Sunday came and went without any problems. We had our eyes on the parking lot and I was so paranoid that I really didn't get to listen to the sermon. My mind was totally off. To make matters more interesting my oldest daughter had a stomach ache and then she had a panic attack. Then she threw up. Now that took my mind off things! Thanks for the well wishes!

Monday, August 5, 2013

A letter to 16 year old me


You are confused about where your life is heading. You have big dreams and plans. Don’t give up on them, but if they do fall by the wayside, remember you can do whatever you set your mind to. When you have a feeling in your gut, go with it.

Follow your instincts. Trust yourself and don’t give into passion right now.

Live life and enjoy it. Savor everything you are right now. If someone pressures you or tells you they will hurt your family, tell someone! If someone claims to love you or they will hurt themselves if you don’t stay. Leave anyway and let someone know. 

Things are not as grim as they seem and you will survive. You will get through it. No matter how terrible the situation. Remember to keep praying to God, He will get you through.
I know you will make it through. I promise you the road you are traveling on will open up to a world that you have never known. It may not be what you planned for but it will be filled with the most love you have never received before.

Your will love the adventure. Stay safe. . . 

Blessings & Love,