Showing posts with label Alcohol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alcohol. Show all posts

Monday, October 1, 2012

Beating your children...

First thing first, October is Domestic Abuse Awareness month! No one is immune to the effects of this devastating time.

Abuse does not discriminate. It can strike Men, Women, Old, Young, Black, White, Catholic, Baptist, Wealthy... you get the picture.

Whatever the excuse is that the victims use to rationalize or minimize the abuse, no one deserves it! There is nothing "You did" to "Make" the person do it to you! Despite, the constant reminders you may get from your abuser. It's not you! Triggers to cause your abuser to flip his/her lid can be substance related, money, mental/emotional or maybe there is no reason.


Of course these are excuses used to harm you! So, he/she only does this to you, right?

What about your child(ren) or pet? Do you believe they are immune? Guess what! In many cases your abuser doesn't care. They may abuse your child privately or just be bold enough to do it in front of you. Perhaps making you participate! Headlines splashed across the world tells of horrific and tragic abuse of all sorts happening to children and animals by the hundreds.

In many cases both parents (Boy/Girl friend or Step parent) are charged with heinous crimes against the smallest victims that can't defend themselves. I've read many stories that point the finger at the other person that was abusive and they "Made them" act against the child or pet. Or there is some fear that they would be harmed so they let it happen.

I sit in awe, tears and a deep sadness that anyone would want to harm these little ones. That persons given a gift of life can take it savagely slowly over years or in a blink of an eye. For what?! The child won't stop crying? The bed is wet? The child is interrupting they're game or fun?

Countless couple's are wishing for a child of their own. And yet, we have dumpster babies and abused children that would flourish in a loving household.

There was a time when my Dad worked in a E. R. and he would tell me of stories about children brought in with cigarette burns, 2nd or 3rd degree burns on various parts of the body due to his/her parent and or molested. He was deeply effected by these children. And he didn't understand how someone could do something so heinous to a child.

I was abused as a young child by my Stepfather, Mark. He would beat on my Mom but as soon as she fought back he stopped. But he needed to redirect his anger somewhere else. So, while Mom was at work he turned to me... I didn't understand how in a split second we could be having a fun time and the next he was beating the crap out of me for no reason or for spilling milk.

Fast forward, I'm in an abusive situation with my ex-husband. I knew something was wrong each time I came in the house after I had been gone for awhile. The kids and my ex looked staged, stiff and tense. He had no qualms about going after the kids while I was home, which many times I would jump in or fight him to stop doing so.


The children would say there was no problems.
Dad was fine.
He was cool.

I knew in my heart it wasn't right. I know I can't take back that time. I know I am responsible in some part for staying. For believing my ex when he said I wouldn't be able to live without him. That I was worthless. That I would end up as a whore because no one would want me.  And no one would take care of me the way he did. (How warped is that?!) I'm slowly finding out how mean he was to the kids while I was out of the house or even in another room! I feel horrible about this!

I could tell you I slipped back into another bad abusive relationship. I could tell you I took up partying, drinking and a string of boyfriends. But I didn't. I was lucky! There are many women that get caught up in never changing they're circumstances. They are forever on a Merry-go-round of useless or abusive men that end up beating their kids.

I've already told my husband, Terry, that if he lays a hand on the kids we are over. Trust me, my 14 year old is a lot like her Dad, Rob and she can really push Terry's buttons!

Learning my new husband is not my ex is another experience. I have learn not to compare the two of them. They aren't anything alike! We are not without issues but there is no fear of him coming home. He doesn't stalk me. He doesn't call me dozens of time in the day. He doesn't accuse me of fooling around. He doesn't time me when I'm on errands. The list goes on and on...

If you know someone in an abusive situation or that might be, please support them, listen to them and get them help if they are ready.

If you can't leave for you please do it for your children! 

Let your child know about Teen stalking and abuse.

Educate!
Break the Silence!
Listen to your gut about a situation or person.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Happily ever after...

I went through with it. I confessed to Terry some of my fears. God love him! He gave me some time to think and offered to call everything off. I felt so silly. I hyperventilated the whole week prior.  The big day came and the big day was beautiful! We couldn't have asked for better weather! We had a quick ceremony at church and then everyone piled into their cars and traveled down to the homestead, to feast on yummy food brought by my family and friends.

I got my Final Decree in the mail. It was very emotional for me. I cried for a bit. Feeling relief, overwhelmed, joy. I remain cautious while out and about as well as at home. 

Remember, yes there can be a "Happily ever ..." after a DV relationship.


It starts with -

*Leaving a paper trail. Tell anyone you can about the abuse. File police reports and Orders of Protection!

*Making a Safety plan

*Leaving your abuser

*Ditching the ties with the Abuser and possibly his/her family. There are times when some families say they are your allies but as time progresses true colors come out or fear of your abuser get to them. They may become defensive or defend the abuser. Suddenly, your support from his/her side wavers and poof! You could become the bad guy! Leaving you to scratch your head...

*Learning to live again without CHAOS! My daughter was on the phone with a friend and she could hear the dad yelling at the mom. My daughter J, was sad for her friend. But happy that's not a part of our lives anymore!

*LOVING YOURSELF! That's a hard one, at least it was/is for me.

* Stop blaming YOURSELF! It's hard not silence the nagging little voice of your abuser that can pop up randomly.

*BREAK the PATTERN of the same type of love relationships. You meet Mr./Mrs. Wonderful at a bar and they seem to always be losers. HELLO! Or you seem to keep attracting the same type of bad personality? It happens to many women/men. Your not alone! I was asked to date on various occassions but something seemed off and not right. Glad I listened to my inner guts, because lo and behold BINGO Dr. Hyde comes out.

*Don't bed the first person that sweeps you off your feet. Take time to get to know the person. Don't be afraid to ask his/her friends and family about this person. Google them!

Now don't email me about the laws on this stuff, I'm no attorney. I found out one gentleman was deep into BD/SM (Not that I am knocking that, it's just not a thing I want to jump back into. Not my cup of tea) and he was asked to retire from the Police due to ties to several unsolved murders of prisoners and has had sexual assault charges brought against him by other female officers. THANK YOU GOOGLE!

If you still feel like he or she is too good to be true, hire a detective. Ask YOUR friends and family what they see or think. It helps to have another pair of eyes to see what you may "not" want to see. You can see Mr./Mrs. Wonderful through rose colored glasses. So be open to hear what they have to say!

*Change you! You are deserving of happiness and joy! Break any kind of habits that aren't good for you. (In my own opinion) Smoking, drugs, alcohol, anything that is illegal. Maybe partying all night. Dressing provocatively. I personally want a person to be attracted to me, not the clothes I'm wearing. I want their eyes to be fixed on mine not my breasts or my behind. You attract what you put out there. I'm more modest at my old age.

*Start your change by taking up a long forgotten hobby, Vision (Wish/Prayer) board or create a Bucket list of things you want to do (See previous posts). Whether it's losing weight, breaking out your glue gun, writing, singing, dancing or what have you. The world is still your oyster! Grab it!

*Think positive! Kick old thoughts to the curb. Challenge yourself to say something positive to yourself or those around you.  Remember if you have children (pets) that have endured abuse they need a boost too! Get them involved in making a positive change for the better. Remind children that the relationship you had with your abuser is not the "Norm". That there is better times. That they can do anything they put they're minds to! Remind them that Dad (or Boy/Girlfriend) or Mom's behavior is their's. They can break and make new positive patterns. They are capable of great things too!

All of these take time. They can happen with baby steps, courage, persistance and love. Oh, there will be bumps in the road. (Terry and I have issues but they are nothing compared to the relationship I had with my EX)

Talk to someone, a counselor, friend or family member. Please remember your not alone! There are others just like you suffering in silence. Break the chain! Stand up! Don't take anymore! (I am not encouraging anyone to take another life here)

Get away safely or call the police to keep your abuser away. Tell someone! Anyone! Write a blog! Keep your face in your blog so you keep a name with your face. That you are a person that doesn't want to end up splashed on the news as a statistic.

God bless and keep you Dear Blog reader!



Stay safe!
BIG HUGS!
Mel

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Waiting for the gavel to drop...

Final hearing is in 6 days! Oh, my gosh, my mind is a flurry of emotions and a anxious heart.

I so crave for the memories to vanish for my kids and me. I wish for nothing more then warm wishes for my STBX. Yes, believe it or not! I have forgiven him long ago, though I still can not seem to shake the past, moving on to a brighter future is possible.

The world is my oyster (Did I post my Bucket List here? I will!)! Dwelling on the past, living in the past, re-living the past and feeling anxiety of him is not a healthy thing for anyone. Time heals and though I moaned and groaned when I heard those words, they are so true. Embracing the surreal past, loving myself and moving on is such a happy feeling for me right now.

I love where I am right now. Well, there is a money thing, but who doesn't have job or money issues?
Ok, I do have a few pesky pounds to lose... Oh, and I could use a tummy lift and laser hair removal...
But all that is just cosmetic and material! If the divorce does finalize, there is a BBQ being arranged and well, a wedding for Terry and I! You heard it right! I'm excited! Close family and friends will gather in our humble abode while we exchange vows at home. Nothing fancy, no frills and no thousands of dollars.

So dear Reader, this isn't all about me! Please listen to some words of wisdom handed down (My Sisters, Mandy and Ashley, Kristy Robinett (www.tangledwishes.com), and learned by me (hard knocks).

Focus on the positive my Friend!

Believe in your heart that the craziness will pass.

Stop apologizing for your abuser to others

Stop making excuses to yourself for your abuser

Try to not to let him/her get to you and to keep your chin up.

Say Positive Affirmations

Create a Vision (Wish) Board

Make a time line of where you want to be in a month, 3 months, 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years and 20 years. What do you want to do in those months?

What gave/gives you joy? An activity? Vacation? A Mani/Pedi? Writing? Did you stop doing what makes you happy when Mr/Ms. Wonderful came into the picture? (Sarcasm)

Think of how to make your dreams into reality! Why not? Dream big! Focus on positive things in your life. If you have kids/pets spend quality time with them!

Did you pick up a habit of drugs/alcohol/food? Get clean! Getting lost in a bottle of pills/alcohol or over eating/ or not eating is not an option. Take control of your life! If you have to cry or whine about your life fine, but don't let the chance for a good life pass you by!

Moving on with your life is not only the best medicine but it can show your NARC/Gaslighte/Abuser that you are not going to whither away without him/her. You can and will move on with your life. Stop allowing your life to be "All about that person".

Don't let that person ruin life for you by words, actions or bad behavior.

Don't put off a Order of  Protection! What are you waiting for? Someone to get hurt or killed? Not telling anyone or the authorities only shows your abuser that you will continue to let him/her to do bad behavior.

As a child needs to be accountable for they're actions so does this so called "Grown up". They need to put on they're "Big Boy/Girl" panties and move on with life. You are NOT responsible for this person's actions or behavior!
 
And, as for you, Dear Friend deserve to live in peace, joy and happiness!

**If you are in an abusive situation please get out! There are agencies designed to help you! Check out the blogs about Safety and Safety plans to start with. Tell someone! DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE your abuser! Remember love doesn't hurt!**

Stay safe! And God bless!

Monday, December 19, 2011

No guts! No glory!

There is little to be said about a man (or woman) that beats on another person.
I have a hard time digesting the case studies and the psycho mumbo jumbo that I find to support the fact that many abusers had a rough life growing up so they continue a cycle.

I believe in choices!

I believe right from wrong and knowing well enough once the person is old enough to distinguish between the two.

I believe that once the person acts on a impulse to harm another that it gets easier to repeat again down the road.

I believe that staying in this type of relationship with Mr. or Mrs. Psycho Gaslighter Abuser or whatever you want to call this person is not an easy choice to choose.

We each have to decide when enough is enough.

We each have to decide that road to destruction or the path to being a victim due to placing blinders up is our choice.

I had a choice to leave the SOB many times.

I choose to stay due to his intimidation.

I choose to stay because I would have no money or job, no place to go.

I believed every lie he told me to keep me with him. I choose to believe every lie that I wouldn't make it without him.

I choose to believe that our relationship was "Normal".

I choose to believe his apologizes and he would never do it again.

I made my choice by saying Yes to everything he told me. To making excuses for his behavior and his actions to family and friends.

I choose my private hell.

I choose to stay.

I choose to believe I could make him change or help him to change.

I choose to believe that he loved me and all the lies he told me that tore my spirit down to shreds to make himself feel better or come out on top.

I allowed him to take pieces of me because of the hard on he got from hurting me.

I take part of the responsibility for the way things turned out. But...

There comes a time when enough is enough. You get tired of the name calling, the punches, or bloody lips or just the nervousness of not knowing if it will be a good day or bad day when he/she comes through that door.

Leaving.

Honey! It isn't easy! No sugar coating it! Prince charming in many cases isn't around the corner to swoop in and save the day. If there is a man around the corner, more then likely he is wearing tin foil. Beware of a wolf in sheep clothing! Jumping out of a relationship soon after the taking the leap of faith isn't a wise choice!

Heading the nearest bar or dance club isn't the answer either.


YOU HAVE TO HEAL!

This takes time! Now I am talking many months to YEARS!

Remember during this time of separation he/she will tell you everything you want to hear (even if it the 5th time you left!). They promise to change for real this time! Promise to take meds or kick the drug/alcohol habit! They promise to never do whatever they did to you (kids) again.

You will hear begging.


You will hear pleading.

You may get flowers.

Offers to buy you things or dinner/lunch.


If a number or days or weeks go by you may hear things like:


Who are you seeing?
Were you *ucking someone all this time?
Or I know you are seeing someone else!
It's your fault we didn't work out! If you only didn't make me mad or fly off the handle we wouldn't have problems!
You didn't make the appointments for the counseling!
You didn't take my drugs or alcohol away. You must not love me!
If you really loved me you wouldn't leave me.
I suffered from abuse from you all these years don't lie to people and say it was me! (popular one used by these abusers!)


It quickly yo-yo's back until your reserve is down and you long to keep the relationship together so you cave!


Well, he/she wants to just talk. What's the harm in that?


The harm is they really don't want to be alone. They have molded you and vested time making you into the punching bag they neurotically love to beat down with words or fists. Whether in a lucid or drug induced state when this happens. It is wrong!


They have you where they want you!


Be strong! It is hard! Your nose has taken on a Karl Malden look. (I personally don't cry as pretty as Demi Moore did in Ghost). I went through countless boxes of tissue even though I was thrilled and relieved to be gone there was a mourning period.

Leaving is a hard thing.
It takes guts to stand up and leave. It takes guts to know when enough is enough! There is glory and when you finally have had the balls to leave you will have glory, peace and your sanity back. It takes time but it will happen!


Learn to love you again! I've said this countless times. Find you again! The "You" that loved life. The "You" that had aspirations of good things. The "You" that had friends or found joy in doing whatever tickled you. Take time to rediscover "You".

Be safe my friend! If you don't have a safety plan please do so! Check out previous entries about Safety plans or Safety. Let other close friends and family know what is going on in your life. Don't keep it a secret any longer!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Addictions and DV

I have been learning much about DV and FV with regard to addictions. In many cases an Abuser never lifted a hand until the Abuser began to drink or use drugs. Studies have shown that many incidents of abuse occur when someone has had too many or indulged in some substance. The satistics are staggering!


Violence and addictive disorders coexist.

Domestic violence and family violence are associated with substance-related disorders. Alcohol sharply diminished impulse control; drugs of greatest concern are stimulants, as they can increase paranoia and lead to preemptive violence. In a survey of 12,360 children from single-family households where at least one parent filled out an alcohol use questionnaire, children of women classified as problem drinkers had more than twice the risk of serious injury as matched controls. There was a statistically significant relationship between the number of alcohol-related problems the women had and the risk of injury to their children (Bijur et al, 1992). Nearly 75% of all wives of alcoholics have been threatened, and 45% have been assaulted by their addicted partners (AMA, 1992).

In a recent study of 62 episodes of domestic assault in which police were summoned, 92% of the assailants reportedly used alcohol or other drugs on the day of the assault, and 72% had a prior arrest for substance abuse (Brookoff et al., 1997).In a study of 400 women, 67% of their batterers frequently abused alcohol. However, not all batterers drink. To assume that alcohol causes battering is to relieve the batterer of responsibility and to deduce that violence will cease with abstinence. In actuality, while substance abuse and violent behavior frequently coexist, the violent behavior will not end unless interventions address the violence as well as the addiction (AMA, 1992.)
 
Not only is domestic violence perpetrated by the alcoholic spouse on the sober spouse, it is also inflicted on the alcoholic spouse by the sober spouse. This is particularly true when it is the woman who is drinking. Several studies have found an association between female drinking and increased victimization in marital violence (Miller and Downs, 1993; Kaufman-Kantor and Straus, 1989). According to a 1992 U.S. survey of alcohol and family violence, a wife¹s drinking, whether alone or with her husband, led to more severe violence both by and toward the wife (Wisnack et al., 1994). In a study of 100 alcoholic women physicians (Bissell & Skorina, 1987), 22 women had been beaten and 21 had beaten spouses or lovers themselves.
"Date rape" is also facilitated by substance abuse. Two studies show that up to 50% of sexual assaults by acquaintances involve alcohol consumption by the victim or the assailant (Koss et al, 1987; Muehlenhard and Linton, 1987). In an acquaintance rape situation, both men and women who learn about it consider the incident less likely to be a rape if the victim and assailant had been drinking together (Norris & Cubbins, 1992). Both men and women attributed more responsibility for the assault to an intoxicated rape victim than to a sober one; at the same time, the offender was blamed less when he was drunk than sober. This attitude makes women who have been sexually assaulted while drinking, more reluctant to report it.
 
Domestic violence in lesbian relationships occurs at about the same rate as in heterosexual relationships, and as in heterosexual relationships, alcohol may play a large role. Several studies report that almost one-third of all women who identify themselves as lesbians drink excessively or experience alcohol-related problems (Norris, 1994). In a mail survey of members of a lesbian organization, 37% reported being in a past or present abusive relationship. 64% reported that alcohol or drugs were involved prior to or during incidents of battering. Drinking was significantly correlated both with being the victim of abuse and with being the perpetrator (Schilit et al., 1990).
 
Addictive sexual disorders (Irons & Schneider, 1997) are frequently associated with domestic violence, although no statistical studies on this association are yet available. Many of the same factors that predispose an individual to the development of an addictive or compulsive sexual disorder can also predispose one to being a participant in a violent relationship.
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I personally, can not relate to this because my Abuser did not use drugs or drank. I was still a Co-dependant, fueling his need for his desires that were sexually related. My Abuser used used many of these things. After a time the desire to be loved was so great for me that I became a participant in many of his devious fantasies. The need to inflict pain did not stop with a few slaps. I saw him lost in a world all his own.
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Addictive sexual disorders

When a person evidences a pervasive pattern of sexual behavior over which there is loss of control, continuation despite adverse consequences, and which includes preoccupation or obsession, that person has an addictive sexual disorder. The range of fantasies, urges, and behaviors that can be considered addictive sexual disorders may be appreciated by reviewing the ten categories developed by Carnes (1991):
Table 4: Categories of Addictive Sexual Disorders
 
1. Fantasy sex: Sexual fantasy life and consequences due to obsession.
2. Seductive-role sex: Seductive behavior for conquest. Multiple relationships, affairs, and unsuccessful serial relationships.
3. Anonymous sex: Engaging in sex with anonymous partners, having one-night stands.
4. Paying for sex: Paying prostitutes for sex, paying for sexually explicit phone calls.
5. Trading sex: Receiving money or drugs for sex or using sex as a business. Highly correlated with swapping partners and using nudist clubs to find sex partners.
6. Voyeuristic sex: Forms of visual sex, including pornography, window peeping, and secret observation. Highly correlated with excessive masturbation, even to the point of injury.
7. Exhibitionist sex: Exposing oneself in public places or from the home or car, wearing clothes designed to expose.
8. Intrusive sex: Touching without permission, using position or power (e.g. professional, religious) to sexually exploit another person, rape.
9. Pain exchange: Causing or receiving pain to enhance sexual pleasure. Use of dramatic roles, sexual aids, and animals are common themes.
10. Exploitative sex: Use or force or partner vulnerability to gain sexual access. Examples include sexual assault and professional sexual misconduct.
Schneider & Irons (1996) placed addictive sexual disorders within the context of the DSMIV (1994). Addictive sexual disorders, although not a separate disorder within this manual, are subsumed within several diagnostic categories in the DSMIV: paraphilia, impulse control disorder, or sexual disorder not otherwise specified.
 
Five of Carnes¹ categories can be readily identified in the DSM-IV as specific paraphilias. Paraphilias are defined as recurrent, intense sexual urges, fantasies, or behaviors that involve unusual objects, activities, or situations that occur over a period of at least six months and cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The five categories that constitute paraphilias include voyeuristic sex, exhibitionistic sex, pain exchange (sexual sadism, sexual masochism), some types of intrusive sex (frotteurism, or inappropriate touch), and exploitative sex (pedophilia). Four of the remaining categories may be correlated with paraphilias: fantasy sex may be associated with paraphilic urges not acted upon, anonymous sex may be used to express paraphilic behavior with decreased risk of consequences, and paying for sex and trading sex are means by which a partner who may permit paraphilic activity may be purchased. A few cases of sexual excess represent an impulse-control disorder; most cases can best be viewed as an addiction.

In an intimate relationship in which at least one of the partners has an addictive sexual disorder, domestic sexual violence may be part of the addictive pattern. Fearful of abandonment or rejection, the partner is often vulnerable to coercion into participating in unwanted sexual activities. In a study of 100 couples recovering from sexual addiction, 50% of the non-addicted partners reported having engaged in sexual activities with which they were uncomfortable. In some cases these activities included sex in public places or with additional sexual partners (Schneider, & Schneider, 1990).

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Many victims do pick up addictions of they're own, from drinking, or drug use, sex addictions or BD/SM involvement, gambling or many others. Losing yourself, if only for a moment into a reality that is not they're own but gives a alternative lifestyle that can give what the victims lack. A experience of bliss, even if it is to relax and let you forget your problems at home. 

Your not alone!

You can leave! If you have children with your Abuser the chances that they will become an Abuser of physical, emotional, sexual or addicted is high, due to what they witnessed. Break the chain! It's ok to be alone while you heal. There are places that will take you in while you get on your feet. De-program yourself to know you are worthy of so much more and you can do it!

Please get yourself help before it's too late!