There is little to be said about a man (or woman) that beats on another person.
I have a hard time digesting the case studies and the psycho mumbo jumbo that I find to support the fact that many abusers had a rough life growing up so they continue a cycle.
I believe in choices!
I believe right from wrong and knowing well enough once the person is old enough to distinguish between the two.
I believe that once the person acts on a impulse to harm another that it gets easier to repeat again down the road.
I believe that staying in this type of relationship with Mr. or Mrs. Psycho Gaslighter Abuser or whatever you want to call this person is not an easy choice to choose.
We each have to decide when enough is enough.
We each have to decide that road to destruction or the path to being a victim due to placing blinders up is our choice.
I had a choice to leave the SOB many times.
I choose to stay due to his intimidation.
I choose to stay because I would have no money or job, no place to go.
I believed every lie he told me to keep me with him. I choose to believe every lie that I wouldn't make it without him.
I choose to believe that our relationship was "Normal".
I choose to believe his apologizes and he would never do it again.
I made my choice by saying Yes to everything he told me. To making excuses for his behavior and his actions to family and friends.
I choose my private hell.
I choose to stay.
I choose to believe I could make him change or help him to change.
I choose to believe that he loved me and all the lies he told me that tore my spirit down to shreds to make himself feel better or come out on top.
I allowed him to take pieces of me because of the hard on he got from hurting me.
I take part of the responsibility for the way things turned out. But...
There comes a time when enough is enough. You get tired of the name calling, the punches, or bloody lips or just the nervousness of not knowing if it will be a good day or bad day when he/she comes through that door.
Honey! It isn't easy! No sugar coating it! Prince charming in many cases isn't around the corner to swoop in and save the day. If there is a man around the corner, more then likely he is wearing tin foil. Beware of a wolf in sheep clothing! Jumping out of a relationship soon after the taking the leap of faith isn't a wise choice!
Heading the nearest bar or dance club isn't the answer either.
YOU HAVE TO HEAL!
This takes time! Now I am talking many months to YEARS!
Remember during this time of separation he/she will tell you everything you want to hear (even if it the 5th time you left!). They promise to change for real this time! Promise to take meds or kick the drug/alcohol habit! They promise to never do whatever they did to you (kids) again.
You will hear begging.
You will hear pleading.
You may get flowers.
Offers to buy you things or dinner/lunch.
If a number or days or weeks go by you may hear things like:
Who are you seeing?
Were you *ucking someone all this time?
Or I know you are seeing someone else!
It's your fault we didn't work out! If you only didn't make me mad or fly off the handle we wouldn't have problems!
You didn't make the appointments for the counseling!
You didn't take my drugs or alcohol away. You must not love me!
If you really loved me you wouldn't leave me.
I suffered from abuse from you all these years don't lie to people and say it was me! (popular one used by these abusers!)
It quickly yo-yo's back until your reserve is down and you long to keep the relationship together so you cave!
Well, he/she wants to just talk. What's the harm in that?
The harm is they really don't want to be alone. They have molded you and vested time making you into the punching bag they neurotically love to beat down with words or fists. Whether in a lucid or drug induced state when this happens. It is wrong!
They have you where they want you!
Be strong! It is hard! Your nose has taken on a Karl Malden look. (I personally don't cry as pretty as Demi Moore did in Ghost). I went through countless boxes of tissue even though I was thrilled and relieved to be gone there was a mourning period.
Leaving is a hard thing.
It takes guts to stand up and leave. It takes guts to know when enough is enough! There is glory and when you finally have had the balls to leave you will have glory, peace and your sanity back. It takes time but it will happen!
Learn to love you again! I've said this countless times. Find you again! The "You" that loved life. The "You" that had aspirations of good things. The "You" that had friends or found joy in doing whatever tickled you. Take time to rediscover "You".
Be safe my friend! If you don't have a safety plan please do so! Check out previous entries about Safety plans or Safety. Let other close friends and family know what is going on in your life. Don't keep it a secret any longer!