A little about me

Friday, December 30, 2011

I'm positive I am living again

Big red nose
Empty boxes of tissues
Eyes red with stained salt on your cheeks from crying

The first few days that I left for the THIRD and FINAL time was no easier then the first time.

I doubted my choice.
I reasoned with myself.
Told myself time apart was good.
Knowing in my heart I would have not lived to see the end of 2009 if I stayed with STBX.
That is a fact that close friends and family remind me of from time to time.

I am learning to live freely.
To love freely.
To make my own choices.
Learning to shake off old routines and making my own.
Learning to be me. The old me. The one that is a practical joker and can break out in song randomly in public or dance in the grocery aisle for no reason. The me that makes silly faces at my kids or with Terry.

I wish I can say that took overnight but it is nearly 3 years since I left him (2/25/09), the change is slow and I have no patience for myself. I am bothered by the effects of PTSD that have caused me to be panicky and paranoid that he is around the corner. Or will he send our son to do his evil bidding. Seriously! I have not a doubt that he would do that! He is a evil person that is cunning, methodical and can be the sweetest person you ever met. A person that met him (court professional) compared him to Ted Bundy. Another Psychologist told me off the record he was psychotic and I was in danger if I stayed with him.

I don't know why I didn't end up like Laci Peterson or Stacy Peterson or Nicole Smith for that matter any of those ladies you hear about splashed on the news. But I do thank the Lord that He has kept me this safe.

I am capable of great things and I though I do not know what is around the corner. But I am remaining positive it will be wonderful!

I don't question my leaving him. I don't ask why me. I no longer feel jaded that I will never have a normal relationship. I will not be a victim again!

Stay safe! Please see my other entries about Safety plans and Leaving your Abuser!

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