I will not be silenced

Over 10 years ago there was a "me" that many of you would not recognize if you saw her. That lady was unsure of herself, felt depressed, suicidal and losing hope. Celebrating my recent "Survivalversary" was a HUGE milestone for me and my girls! 

Catch the video here-10-year Survivalversary! To step out of my comfort zone a little more, I have been reaching out to Podcasters, Bloggers, and other social media news outlets to share my story. 

I was honored by a local Facebook group to be interviewed. When it posted I received more "Shares" than any of my other posts! I was humbled by the victims, Survivors, and several parents of victims that reached out to me after reading that article. Not only that but a person from my past began to post some nasty and opposite comments. I never saw them but the kind fellow that ran the page did. He was threatened with legal action and took the post down. 

So, what's a Survivor to do? She remembers that she copied and pasted most of the article to her Instagram account! Here is a bit of what caused the ruckus:

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Me & Lt. Dan the Wonder Goat

“He likes the dark side; not the human side,” Melinda says, talking about her ex-husband. “I suffered every kind of abuse – verbal, physical, sexual.” Melinda is a survivor of domestic abuse and now shares her story, writes, and helps other victims of abuse. She is also a super cheerful, welcoming, warm person. “My husband was charming, smart and friendly, and a psychopath – like Ted Bundy. He told me that if I ever left him, he had chosen a spot to bury my body.” It took Melinda 18 years to leave him. “He didn’t just threaten me, but also the children and my family. He called me horrible names, hit me, beat me, told me I was worthless and said the world would be a better place if I walked in front of a bus… And at times I thought about doing just that.” 

Now, Melinda is happily married to Terry and lives in Newton County, Indiana. “Terry is Mr. Awesome,” she says, beaming. “Every day is great.” One of the challenges Melinda faced in deciding to leave her ex-husband were feelings of shame. “I worried what people would think, especially after staying with him for so long.” Once she did leave, she found, "Everyone was very supportive." After talking with Melinda for a while, she told me, “The abuse started before I got married, It began with my stepfather when I was four. My mother never knew... It was hard to tell her.” You can read Melinda's blog, "Hope when there was none"

Not to be deterred I am continuing to share anywhere I can so others know they are not alone and to bring light onto a dark subject. There can be healing! It takes time, patience, and a conscious choice to want to shake off the negative armor that has been holding onto you for so long. Breaking the patterns of abuse in your life from a partner, friend, parent, co-worker or family member is done in small stages. Find what healing modality works for you! What worked for me may not work for you.

Consider:

Journal- I can't tell you how eye-opening and wonderful this healing tool was for me. There were many tear soaked pages but this was my favorite and most effective healer for me.

Counseling/Therapy/Holistic healing

Medication- If you have medical issues or mental health challenges

Grounding- Or just getting outside for 5 minutes or more a day

Music- Put on some positive tunes and dance/sing

Buy yourself some flowers/something special

Learn a new hobby/career

Create a Bucket List- see mine here My Bucket List

Make a Vision board make a list of your dreams/goals

Go break or throw something- Dishes/Furniture/Rocks- make sure it is in a safe place and yours! There is something freeing about thinking about a situation or your ex and doing this. A friend shared that there is a place in our area where you pay $30 to blow off steam by breaking things!

Gun range/lessons/paintball

Self-defense/martial arts class

Support group in your area/online- These can get pretty heavy and you may need to step away from them from time to time. 

Call a friend or support person

Read a good book- Choose a self-help/inspirational book

Play a game/watch a video/TV- Something uplifting

Positive Affirmations

Mirror work

Arts n' Crafts

Play instrument

Meditate

If you have children that were exposed to abuse, even if they didn't see the abuse, kids are smart they probably heard you and could feel the tension. Get them involved in your healing! They need this too!

These are a few things you can do for yourself/kids. There are oodles more and if you have questions or would like more ideas please drop me a line. Before I go here is a shameless plug:

Purchase "Call me Master- A memoir of escaping abuse" and "Rising from the Ashes- Awakening the beauty of life after abuse" here Amazon.

OR

I do offer my books free in PDF form for victims and Survivors. If you do honor me with a purchase of my books, 100% of the proceeds of "Call me Master" goes back into my local community group 

Heart to Heart Outreach has an AMAZING team of gals that creates baskets of toiletries, kitchen and bath items for Survivors to start over. If you are interested in the PDF version please message me privately. I do also have these available for my group members- Hope when there was none Group which is a closed group focusing on self-love and healing. Stay safe! Feel free to message me if you have any questions or just want to connect with me. 

BIG HUGS,

Mel

Searching for the light- Stories from victims of abuse- Amy

Amy

Amy is an adorable pixie-like lady approached me after seeing our group in Psychology class reenact a bit of my story of domestic violence.

She comforted me that I made a good decision about leaving. Quietly she whispered that many years ago she too had suffered by the hands of her then-boyfriend, Martin.

Their relationship began well enough. Amy explained that she had a string of relationships that seemed to go nowhere those past partners had no job or was into the drug culture. She didn’t want to be lonely so whatever person came her way was fine to her. It beat being alone.

Martin was a little different. He had previously been in a serious relationship but he said his ex-was psycho complaining that she never let him see his kid and just kept taking his money weekly.

She never felt any type of hostility. He gave her flowers, took her out, had a good job as a construction worker, and seemed like a good guy. After a month, she felt good enough to let him meet her family. Amy thought the visit was going well and pulled her Mom aside to ask what she thought. Her Mom and sisters confided that something was off about him. They weren’t certain what it was but it was unsettling.

Amy felt hurt. She thought this time would be different and wanted to share her excitement with the ones close to her. The rest of the visit was strained. Martin had appeared uncomfortable the entire time. They bid goodnight and left.

In the car, Martin was perturbed about the incident and said they won’t do that again. She agreed that the visit was different but softened that next time they would visit with just her parents. Martin brought the car to a halt telling her there was to be no further contact with “those people”.

Confused she asked what he meant. He yelled obscenities at her and roughly pushed her door open. Unbuckling her from the seat, he shoved her out while yelling to walk home.

This was the beginning of many such situations. He had attacked her on more than one occasion. She said he promised he wouldn’t do it again but after he would drink, they would argue. One thing would lead to another and he would violently assault her physically or sexually.

Each time the situation worsened. She was unsure if she would make it through another beating. Amy shared that she had since left this situation and felt that she needed to share her story with me. She describes how alone and isolated she felt during this time. Though time has passed, the emotional wounds are sore.

She went on to say that, Martin had come home one evening after hanging out with friends at a bar until late after she had gone to bed hours before. As the relationship went on, she learned he was a functioning alcoholic.

Hearing him shuffle in the door, she curled into a protective ball and awaited him coming to bed. She remembers he stank like stale cigarettes and beer. The smell was so strong that it nauseated her. She held her breath as he came into the room out of fear.

He grumbled under his breath and finally sank down beside her. She hoped he would just pass out.
Out of nowhere, he was on top of her. She thrashed and said to get off but he didn’t. He kept mumbling for her to shush and let him have what is his.

Scrambling from out under him, she managed to force him off of her and sprinted out of the bedroom. He caught her in the hall, grabbing her foot, causing Amy to fall into a side table.

She says the rest is fuzzy. She later learned he had sexually assaulted her while she was unconscious. This is a good thing because he then proceeds to drag Amy out of the house by her feet. She wakes up briefly notices a cool breeze and sees the night sky suddenly the feeling of intense pain throughout her body! She sees him wielding a tire iron. He is hitting her repeatedly.

Amy loses consciousness and awakens to the sound of sirens and flashing lights. She doesn’t know the person she sees kneeling over her. He is talking to her can't understand him because her ears are ringing loudly. Her mouth feels funny. Her head hurts. She tries to get up but she feels hands on her weighing her down. This panics her and she fights with all her might but a shot of pain sends her back into deep slumber.

The next time she wakes up, she finds herself in the hospital. She can only see through one eye. She reaches up to find the other bandaged. One arm is in a cast, her body hurts, and there are tubes, wires, bandages, and another cast on her right leg.

A nurse walked in and excitedly begins to fill Amy in the blank spaces from the day prior to the assault, a neighbor heard a woman screaming. After looking out the window, the neighbor sees Amy on the ground trying to protect her from Martin who is raining blows on her with that tire iron. The neighbor saw Amy trying to crawl away but Martin kept grabbing her legs to pull her back.

What the neighbor didn’t see was Martin twisting her leg so hard that something snapped at the knee. She didn’t see Martin kicking Amy in the head with such force that she would have issues with her right eye in the future.

This kind soul was on the phone with the police the moment she heard the scream that is forever be imprinted on her mind.

It had been over 10 years since that vicious beating, she underwent physical therapy and has had many other health issues related to past event. The police visited Amy in the hospital a day the event to advise her that Martin was picked up on the scene. He claimed he didn’t know what happened and that he blacked out not remembering any of the brutal acts. Martin sentenced to five years in jail but gets out after two for good behavior.

Amy moved away, changed her phone number, her looks, and has a new vehicle.

She adds that she has trust issues and even though time has passed since that night, she much happier alone. Amy sees a counselor, went back to school, and is now an advocate for victims of abuse. Amy also reconciled with her family and they are closer than before.

Part of healing for her was to thank the neighbor for saving her life and to reach out to Martin’s ex-wife, Lisa. Amy found out that Lisa was not this horrible person Martin described her as but rather Lisa was abused by Martin as well!

The courts had granted Lisa sole custody of their child and Martin hadn’t been paying any child support. Martin spent a few days in jail for assaulting Lisa but the charges were dropped for some unknown reason. She hadn’t seen or heard from him in years. She isn’t sure if he is alive.

Both Amy and Lisa endured something horrifying that bound them together in friendship. Neither woman never saw Martin again. Amy adds that she still has bad dreams and worries if he is doing this to another woman.

*I am not an Attorney or Counselor, please seek out a licensed individual for more information and help. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination, given with permission, or used in a fictitious manner. And any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental .*

Feel free to comment below and I urge you to share this story or any posts you have found helpful on my blog. If you need help please don't hesitate to message me privately, follow my pages on social media or if you are local let's connect and grab a cuppa coffee or tea or just to talk.

I can be reached at blessmeplz@gmail.com

https://facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone

www.instagram.com/melindakunst

BIG HUGS,

Mel

Searching for the light- Stories from victims of abuse- Jeanette

Jeanette

The outside air was hot and thick as the summer sun began to set turning the sky a brilliant shade of blue and pink. With no breeze to cool her off her clothes clung to her as the sweat dripped from her body as she walked down the desolate road towards anywhere. Her feet were raw. She winced as she walked on.

She tried to keep a quick pace to try to avoid detection. Wandering off the gravel would only make her journey longer.

She wondered how she got to this point. How did she lose herself and become this timid mouse afraid of every sound, loud noise, and bump in the night?

Without warning, she heard the squeal of tires behind her. The car came rushing towards her suddenly.

She panicked and began to run. A blast of a horn caused her to go headlong onto the gravel. As if time stood still the car rolled foot by her side where she lay bruised and bleeding on the ground.

The door opened a pair of scruffy work boots slowly came out of the door. She could hear a long sigh coming from him. She stifled a cry. The pain of her new injuries suddenly dulled as the man stood looking down at her.

She couldn’t look at him.

Only hours, before they fought over why the checkbook didn’t balance to the penny she was under by a few dollars after pouring over the receipts and figures, he had pulled her by her hair throwing her out the back door, yelling obscenities, and threatening to bash her face in. He told her not to come back and slammed the door.

She had no shoes on.

She had no money.

She had no keys.

She had no phone.

She had on I.D.

She had nothing.

It didn’t take him long to come looking for her nor to find her. When she started to walk, she wove her way through fields and streets figuring he wouldn’t find her. Not that she had a plan in mind. She knew she needed to go away and not caring where she ended up. She was a shell of what she was.

Now here she is on the ground feeling weak, frightened, and nervous. She felt like she was going to throw up.

He nudged her side and told her to get in the car. He climbed back the driver’s seat and gunned the engine. Not wanting to hesitate she jumped to her feet and raced around the passenger side. She opened the door only to have him start moving the car as she scrambled in.

He laughed tearing down the road. He reached over and gently caressed her hair saying he was sorry. He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him. Could she forgive him?

The above story isn’t my own. I just listen to the stories that are shared with me since I began sharing my own story of abuse. Jeanette's story is a similar memory of my own life. Sharing my difficulties allowed other brave victims and Survivors to share personal triumphs and tragedies. It gets hard to shake the stories from those I meet.

Over the next few days, you will find stories of hope, endurance, and strength. Fair warning some of the outcomes from these beautiful souls may not end as you thought or there is no final ending as of this moment.

I give no judgment of the decisions made. Each person follows a path that feels right for him or her. Remember the old saying, “You can not understand someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.”

*I am not an Attorney or Counselor, please seek out a licensed individual for more information and help. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination, given with permission, or used in a fictitious manner. And any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental .*

Feel free to comment below and I urge you to share this story or any posts you have found helpful on my blog. If you need help please don't hesitate to message me privately, follow my pages on social media or if you are local let's connect and grab a cuppa coffee or tea or just to talk.

I can be reached at blessmeplz@gmail.com

https://facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone

www.instagram.com/melindakunst

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS,

Mel

Advice from Survivors of Abuse

I can not believe it has been 9 years as of tomorrow since I left my abuser. There are times it feels as though it was just yesterday. It may seem to others that I am just living in the past by sharing some sad events in our life. Now I can look at these memories without tears, nightmares and anxiety.

I don't feel that I'm in bondage over my past. It is what it is. I've made peace. I'm not the same person I was when I first started on this journey. 

Sharing has not only saved me from a dark place and time, but showing my vulnerability has helped others know they aren't alone. That wasn't my initial thought when doing this. Perhaps it was a bit of revenge.

I've mentioned this before, there are times when I just thought to stop blogging, sharing, and to let it go of the past.

After leaving I didn't always do the right thing. I put myself in dangerous situations several times. I didn't always say the right thing. Thoughts that my life was so messed up how the heck can I support or share with others? And I'm still trying to heal myself, how can I give advice?

Then, 'SNAP!' like a rubber band, I am brought back to earth by someone who is close to me. They know my story and find themselves in a situation of love where someone they know is a victim. 

I can feel the Lord is looking down wagging his finger, and saying, "See here,Woman! This is part of my plan, quit your belly aching and reach out to others."

After pouting a bit thinking a bit about this I push these things aside and help out.

I share a bit about me. I don't go into deep details, but let the other person know they aren't alone. I include this blog as well so they can come and see I'm not some creepy person. I do provide my phone number if they wish to chat instead. 

I was there once. 

I get it. 

It can be frustrating now that I'm on the other side to try to help and I feel helpless. 9 years later gives me a HUGE prospective that I didn't have. 

Surrendering and allowing some vulnerability to show does not mean you are weak. Doing so can be scary. You may have built a wall around your heart and have a hard time with trust.  Lowering that wall doesn't mean you can't do anything alone. This gives you a chance to ask for help and for others to serve you by your sharing. 

I've asked several Survivors what advice would they share with a victim trapped in an abusive situation.

These answers are courageous, raw, loving and speak the truth. I hope they both speak to you and help you on your journey.

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Dana advises; "I really like to leave the abuse behind me. I don't want to keep it in the forefront of my life, because I can't truly be free, if I keep dragging around that kind of baggage. I guess that's what my advice would be... let it go. Look out the windshield, not the rear view mirror."

Vanessa shared that she was a young woman of 17. Her abuser broke her ribs, bit her and more. He was sentenced to 7 years in prison.

She states,"I know how amazing it feels to know that we survived it and can encourage and help others to walk away when they don’t see the need to."

This recently hit home as a woman she knows was recently killed due to domestic violence.
"For those still trapped in abuse it’s a hard place to be every different phase of the abuse is different also. If I had gotten out early enough I could’ve walked away and stayed away. Physical abuse was just with mental abuse and then it turned into him not letting me leave his side even to go to the bathroom and having three locks on the door."

Vanessa's advice; "For someone that is in abuse in the beginning stages I always encourage to listen to their friends and when their friends say he’s a control freak or mention how they have changed since meeting him. For those in the middle I encourage to ask for your friends to find a domestic violence shelter so that you that can get counseling and not feel like you’re alone. Abusers main mental abuse is making you feel unwanted and that you’re nothing without them. In the last phase when it is the worst and you’re mentally and physically not able to leave I would advise doing your best to get out because it only gets worse. Even if the threat is like my friend and you end up dying if you don’t get out you’re going to die anyways."

She further adds, "At the end of the day I know that every time I the see signs that someone is in an abusive relationship, I am the first to make sure I start a conversation with them. Another survivor turned into my best friend after I had strong feelings that she was in an abusive relationship. I told her my story and read some of the police report so that she knew that I could relate. She ended that relationship and we have been best friends ever since."

I mentioned to her that it seems like abusers read out of the same playbook, she replied; "I agree they’re already been the same playbook the same exact Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3. It never gets better it always gets worse. It always starts with finding a woman that is having a hard time in their life and giving them comfort. You might also notice that the woman they choose are always sad from a recently ended a relationship with somebody else for someone that has just gone through something extremely emotional and are just not thinking straight when their abuser walks up to them and tries to be the Prince Charming."

Vanessa ends with a reminder, "You are not alone. These men are evil. No matter how many times they say they’re sorry, they will continually do it until you run away. I felt like I was alone without him because that is what he put in my head but all the women out there we are in this together around every corner is someone that’s been abused let others help you live the life that God wanted for you."

"Hello, I'm Brianna and I left my abuser on September 10th 2014. I didn't choose to leave before that because he kept on telling me that I couldn't survive without him. He was the one that made the money. Well it was all lies! Abusers will feed your head with a bunch of lies to tear you down but know that you are strong and you are stronger than words."

She adds; "Words may hurt, but your strength can overcome any words that he could say. Sure, it's hard at first but once you start seeing how much you can do on your own and that every step you make is to prove to him that you can do it and you can be happy again!"

Toni suggests the following:

*If you can and have means to get out of the situation leave the abuser.
*Never stay with the abuser just because you have kids together!
*If the abuser has just started, your heart and mind will tell you enough is enough.
*Get into some sort of counseling even it it's with your Pastor.
*Create and use your support system of family and friends.
*Know you aren't alone. Find a support group with those who have been in your situation.
*Have a plan to execute and leave!
*This is not your fault, don't be blame yourself!
*Never give up faith and hope even on the darkest days.
*When you leave it'll be hard but be strong. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.  Don't go back!
*Look up resources in your area you can utilize for help, "Crisis Center, etc..."

Maggie says, "I think that is important is to practice self love. When you love yourself I think you quickly recognise when someone isn't treating you with love and respect. When you love yourself it's easier to walk away from those who don't treat you right."

Kristy encourages, "It’s easy to stop hearing your own inner voice in the echoes of the fears, the lies, and the what-ifs. Everybody has the ability to listen to their intuition, though, and it is hardly ever wrong. When you are in an abusive relationship it is easy to mute your intuition, but your intuition is a powerful ally as to the awakenings of the truths and the next steps. If it were easy, nobody would be in negative situations. Just as you have to tend to a flower, you have to tend to your own soul – nobody else will do it.  You make the decision to grow or stop growing. I hope you unsilenced your intuition and choose to start blooming. ~Kristy Robinett – www.kristyrobinett.com

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I hope you found words of support, comfort, and reminder that you are not alone.

Stay safe! 

If you need immediate assistance please visit The Hotline or call your local authorities.

Much love and BIG HUGS,

Mel

P.S. - 
Abuse has no prejudice. It affects all races, ages and genders.

Men are also victims of abuse. It is under reported by males trapped in this situation for fear of ridicule and shame. 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month

It's incredible that it has been 7 years since I left my abuser for good! I felt trapped. I was unsure how and when I was finally going to leave, of course I knew in my heart I wouldn't live to see the end of 2009. A dear Friend of mine felt the same way and encouraged me to leave before it was too late.

I'm new to making videos so please be kind! I hope to have more videos in the future. My wish is to continue to ignite hope in those trapped in abusive relationships. Whether it is your mate, family member, or co-worker.

You Dear Blog reader are not alone! Please stay safe and God bless!

Life after abuse

From time to time I view other blogs and websites about abuse. I find it hard not to feel sucked into darkness of my life about my past.

The past does not define you. Your past makes who you are now. Getting wrapped up in writing my book brings back to what was a surreal life there once was. The craziness of living with someone that is abusive.

I could ramble on a list of mental illness labels to call him, Narcissist, Gaslighter, Borderline, blah, blah, blah. . .

He was abusive. That's it. No special label needed.

God has this wonderful choice of Freewill. He knows between good and bad. He chose his moods and his actions most times before he walked in the door from a day at work. The experiences one goes through is amazingly similar. That's what gets me. No matter whose story or book about they're experiences with an abuser, the story is almost the same.

Paste your face here.

It's almost annoying and scary at how similar in the situations we are. I have discussed this with others that are victims or survivors about the "Playbook" that all abusers seem to use.

No matter what point in your journey you are in, please know you are walking a path from many other survivors and victims have walked before you. There are those that wish to keep silent and stay in the relationship of abuse and they feel as though there is no hope. Then there are those such as  very strong people- Leslie, Kristy, and Joanie. You may not know who they are, but they have made profound impact on me. They have reached out for friendship, sharing they're stories privately about what they endured in past relationship. I am in awe of the strength, the grace and brushing off the shadows of abuse and they are each putting a face on abuse.

Kristy is a well renown Author, life coach and Medium- www.tangledwishes.com .

Leslie and Joanie are two women that have left very abusive relationships after years of suffering in silence from abuse. There are several more that have contacted me over the years, looking for advice for son's, daughters, in-laws, parents or even co-workers.

Dear Blog reader, your not alone! Your experiences whether they are verbal, sexual, mental or physical are real!

I can't tell you how or when to leave. You will just know. There will come a time when enough is enough. No amount of pleading from others involved will get a victim to leave the abuse. Sad to say something may have to happen to the victim or someone close to her or him, in order for that person to leave.

A wake up call.

Where your abuser has a choice to victimize, you also have a choice to stay a victim.

You can have a really good life, but you need to have faith and believe. Does it take time to heal? Yes! Even after 5 years there are still bumps and little glitches that I need to contend with, whether it is a nightmare, anxiety attack or just a reaction that is programmed from my past.

April is Child Abuse awareness month. If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse please get help! Or listen, be a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen.

Stay safe Dear Reader!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Find me on Facebook!

After some hemming and hawing I decided to start a FB page for Survivors and Victims of any type of abuse. To share experiences or to leave a face with their story so we can put a face on Abuse!

Hopefully others can inspire and give hope to those that just can't leave or kick they're abuser out the door! I do not want this to bash our abusers. That's not it's purpose. Why stoop to that level or your abuser?

It's easy to just want to forget your past to move on with your future. But, trust me, it's not easy! Even with my best intentions to put my head in the sand to ease the memories, the past comes up behind me like a dark monster looming in the dark.

Embrace you! Embrace your past! It is what made you! Let those experiences make you stronger!

Help me put a face on Abuse! Strength in numbers!

Find me here- hopewhentherewasnone or Melinda Kunst on FB!

BIG HUGS and Blessings!

Mel

Flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks

This title sounds terrible! I don't know what else to call it.

The chapter on my marriage to my abuser I consider closed. In reality, my thoughts, dreams and sometimes paranoia run away with me. I foolishly had a thought that with the end of the marriage my bad dreams and other things would vanish. Like Houdini, waving a magic wand... **POOF!** All the feelings of sadness, grief, pain and panic would be gone!

In the real world, these feelings linger for time. How much time is depending on each person and how ever long you were in a relationship with the person that tormented you. No matter, if it was verbal, mental, emotional, physical or sexual, it all takes time to heal.

I'm terribly impatient, I want it over now! Even when I'm in the foggy feeling of losing it due to a panic attack, do I get super frustrated and angry with myself for getting so worked up. And in my head I'm mad that my abuser still has some sort of lasting control that I break down to a breathless, teary-eyed, puddle of goo.

More so lately, I seemed to lose myself in a moment of memories. I seemed to get catapulted to a time when I was still with my ex (gosh I like that!). For some reason, whatever the trigger, I get lost in a blink of an eye. I can smell, hear and feel the raw emotion of past times. There are times when I look over at Terry laying in bed and for a brief moment I feel a panicky feeling that if I look too long he turns into my ex.

If I hear someone with a Nextel or a certain chirp on their phone I look around and feel twitterpatted that it's my ex calling or near me. I see a car that looks like his or a person that from afar looks like him and I feel like my body can't move. Like a deer in headlights.

I don't know when these feelings will leave me. I know my children experience some of similar things. Loud noises and yelling (very rare around here) cause us all to jump out of our skin. I know there are things counselors use. But to tell the truth, I get all panicky about having to go and relive all the memories again. I feel I can do that on my own with no problem! I can take myself back and recall some pretty nasty times.

4 years ago if you would have asked me where I would be today, I would have responded, "In a hole somewhere, in the middle of some lonely spot." I know in my heart, as do many of my family and friends that I would not have survived that marriage longer. Terry and I talked about that the other night. He told me to stop talking about that, he doesn't like that picture. I agree, but the truth of the matter is I would not have survived.

But I did! I got my kids out of there. Though I am sadden by my son's decision to go back to his dad. I almost feel haunted by the decisions I made. I don't question the choice to leave! Oh, Heaven's NO!
I also know that if I didn't decide to do things the way I did, there would be an alternate story to the one I'm in now. I, in some ways, feel as though I'm living a fairy tale. My past is so surreal that it's hard to believe we lived how we did. Survival mode always turned on. Even in the good times!

I want nothing for good things to come from all of this:
1) My son to come to realize that I miss the heck out of him and long to give him a hug again.
2) The girls get some big brother time again. I know they miss him!
3) My ex gets some sort of treatment and help. I pray for the woman that he ends up with!
4) The kids and me finally find an end to feeling scared, panicky and worried about my ex.
5) Someday my ex will have a good, safe relationship with the girls.

I haven't been alone with my ex since Sept 2009. Prior to that, he put his hands on me anytime he could. I don't trust him. I don't feel we can have him over or a bbq anytime soon. Not that we would! The address here is private. That does give me some comfort. In a old voice mail from June, my ex rattle on that I shouldn't blab about our relationship to everyone if I don't want it to get back to him. Funny thing is I haven't. I found out a few people from my old shop (antique store) still read this blog and they were able to make they're own decision about him based on what truth they read. As well as the personal experiences each of them had with my ex.

I'm sitting here shaking my head. Happy to be out and sad to think I am still hiding in some ways. Afraid to go out or announce things about me personally because he may find out where we are or where we live. I don't think I can ever let my guard down. So why I should be happily making wedding plans I have been getting lost in the past more frequently of the late. Not sure why. I needed this! Thank you Dear reader for listening to me rant and rave! All in all I'm forever grateful we are safe, we are loved and we are not alone...

I implore you to leave if you are in a difficult situation that is life threatening or harmful to your well being! Please don't worry about the house or the things in it. Leave with your life! Screw the possessions you can get new things. They are just things! You are not replaceable! Tell someone, call the police, find a shelter if need be, but get to safety!

Many prayers for you with whatever decision you choose to make with your life or the lives of your children/pets. No man/woman is worth risking your life or sanity with the promises that they will change. Please check out my other posts on Safety or Leaving your abuser!

FINALLY, remember you are not alone! God bless!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Waiting for the gavel to drop...

Final hearing is in 6 days! Oh, my gosh, my mind is a flurry of emotions and a anxious heart.

I so crave for the memories to vanish for my kids and me. I wish for nothing more then warm wishes for my STBX. Yes, believe it or not! I have forgiven him long ago, though I still can not seem to shake the past, moving on to a brighter future is possible.

The world is my oyster (Did I post my Bucket List here? I will!)! Dwelling on the past, living in the past, re-living the past and feeling anxiety of him is not a healthy thing for anyone. Time heals and though I moaned and groaned when I heard those words, they are so true. Embracing the surreal past, loving myself and moving on is such a happy feeling for me right now.

I love where I am right now. Well, there is a money thing, but who doesn't have job or money issues?
Ok, I do have a few pesky pounds to lose... Oh, and I could use a tummy lift and laser hair removal...
But all that is just cosmetic and material! If the divorce does finalize, there is a BBQ being arranged and well, a wedding for Terry and I! You heard it right! I'm excited! Close family and friends will gather in our humble abode while we exchange vows at home. Nothing fancy, no frills and no thousands of dollars.

So dear Reader, this isn't all about me! Please listen to some words of wisdom handed down (My Sisters, Mandy and Ashley, Kristy Robinett (www.tangledwishes.com), and learned by me (hard knocks).

Focus on the positive my Friend!

Believe in your heart that the craziness will pass.

Stop apologizing for your abuser to others

Stop making excuses to yourself for your abuser

Try to not to let him/her get to you and to keep your chin up.

Say Positive Affirmations

Create a Vision (Wish) Board

Make a time line of where you want to be in a month, 3 months, 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years and 20 years. What do you want to do in those months?

What gave/gives you joy? An activity? Vacation? A Mani/Pedi? Writing? Did you stop doing what makes you happy when Mr/Ms. Wonderful came into the picture? (Sarcasm)

Think of how to make your dreams into reality! Why not? Dream big! Focus on positive things in your life. If you have kids/pets spend quality time with them!

Did you pick up a habit of drugs/alcohol/food? Get clean! Getting lost in a bottle of pills/alcohol or over eating/ or not eating is not an option. Take control of your life! If you have to cry or whine about your life fine, but don't let the chance for a good life pass you by!

Moving on with your life is not only the best medicine but it can show your NARC/Gaslighte/Abuser that you are not going to whither away without him/her. You can and will move on with your life. Stop allowing your life to be "All about that person".

Don't let that person ruin life for you by words, actions or bad behavior.

Don't put off a Order of  Protection! What are you waiting for? Someone to get hurt or killed? Not telling anyone or the authorities only shows your abuser that you will continue to let him/her to do bad behavior.

As a child needs to be accountable for they're actions so does this so called "Grown up". They need to put on they're "Big Boy/Girl" panties and move on with life. You are NOT responsible for this person's actions or behavior!
 
And, as for you, Dear Friend deserve to live in peace, joy and happiness!

**If you are in an abusive situation please get out! There are agencies designed to help you! Check out the blogs about Safety and Safety plans to start with. Tell someone! DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE your abuser! Remember love doesn't hurt!**

Stay safe! And God bless!

Status hearing next week!

I read article below the other day and boy is it my Gaslighter to a "T". It can be a wake up call to Victims of abuse to read articles about Domestic Violence. You question your sanity. I have heard if you question your sanity then you have nothing to worry about. It is those that don't question they're insanity that are the troublemakers!

I was posed a question today by Terry, he asked, "If you had to choose between R knowing where we live or random annoying text/voice mails, which would you choose?"

That is a no brainer! As annoying, pitiful, and numerous as they are, I can deal with the texts. I can not cope with the thought of him knowing where we live. So, my Friends once again since the topic looks like it will be a hot bed of discussion next Tuesday (Status hearing~ just to see if we are complying or done with tasks asked by the court to do). My attorney differently stands behind my privacy on the subject. I am praying and asking for anyone out here in blog land to please pray for us. Apparently the girls have shared with a court official they are equally concerned that R will find out where we are.

I want this to be finalized so badly. I have the patience of a 18 month old. And I want what I want now! STOMP! STOMPING MY FEET! WAH! Now I would like it finalized for my own reason of not wanting R to keep calling me his wife. I know he swore "Till death do we part" Even that sends shivers down my neck. June would have been our 20 year anniversary, technically, I reckon it still counts since we are still married. SAD FACE! 

I have learned that sadly the relationship between myself and my Mother in law is gone. Blood is thicker, but in this case she is worried he will find out and since he knows where she lives she will not speak poorly of her son. At the same time I can't help but wonder why she can not stand up for her Grandkids. It makes me sad.

Of course even though my brain is trying to stay level headed my stomach is tied up in knots for more then just court jitters. It is always something! But, it's not boring that's for sure!

Again, I hate to be a broken record, but if you are in a violent, mental or verbal abuse situation PLEASE GET OUT! If you can not do it alone, then please share with someone you trust and ask for help to leave or to get him/her out! Don't wait before it's too late. Don't wait until you have enough money. Or a job. There are places that WILL help you! Don't be afraid to call the police if need be, leave a paper trail. Do not allow your abuser to keep getting away with his/her antics or control!

Be safe my Friend,

BIG HUGS!
Mel
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 http://www.syntheory.com/psychopathy/psycho.html

**I don't agree with all of his off hand comments or some of the language but he has great sources and seems to be knowledgeable on the subject of NARC's and Psychopaths. And my abuser does not take drugs or alcohol (in my opinion he is just nuts)**

An American
Obsession ... the
Psychopath

Let me begin by saying that this is a very difficult topic to handle in a worldwide forum. No matter what I write, my words will anger someone, frighten someone else and inspire yet others. Hopefully, I will at least get my readers to think seriously about their own values. For instance, what do you think about this as a solution to the psychopathy problem? Only a fool tries to please everyone...and I am no fool!

Psychopathy is usually associated with criminal and/or amoral behavior, especially with "career criminals", those who typically engage in more than one type of crime and have been doing so for a long time. It seems to be the foundation of a career criminal's personality upon which all the the destructive, antisocial behavior is built. Immediately, someone will jump up and yell out that criminality is culturally defined. That is true. The continuum of acceptable-unacceptable behavior varies widely across cultures. However, there are some behaviors -- murder for example, which are widely held to be unacceptable (I know Margaret Mead deserves a citation here, but I forget out of which book I learned the fact! Sorry, Margaret.). Telling lies may be considered impolite but excusable one place, while seen as a major crime elsewhere. For our purposes here, I will focus my attention on the perceptions of western cultures, particularly those of the USA and Germany, as I am most familiar with them.

Criminals are typically very "street smart". So one clue of psychopathy is if the person boasts about being able to outwit others. It shows something of the way he or she operates on a daily basis. Another clue is what is called the "duping delight" (Hare, 1993). The person will try to trick people somehow, or maneuver people into believing strange or outrageous things, making up stories just for the fun of putting something over on someone. There will be no necessity to lie, but the lie is told nonetheless, just to see if he or she can get away with it. If they do get away with it, it feeds their narcissistic belief that others are stupid and that they are superior.

In my opinion, the psychopath represents humanity gone haywire. For this reason, I do not wish to handle the topic of the psychopath's presence in society like other behavioral writers do. I don't intend wasting any time on efforts to rehabilitate them (for instance, Wong & Hare, 1998-2005). My intent here is not as academic as it is political; I wish to educate and warn you the reader of some of the more common signs that the person in question -- usually a male -- is someone you should detach from...and quickly!

The sooner you can detect a troublesome person, the better off you will be. One quick check is your placement of him or her on the "asshole scale". Now remember, not every jerk or idiot is necessarily psychotic! However, psychopaths do represent an extreme form of the "asshole" personality type, they've just learned to conceal it most of the time and appear to be "nice, normal, charming" people. Many are developmentally stuck in their early years, still fighting the battles of authority and parental control over them! They must get their way or they'll make trouble of some sort.

As for occupations, these can hold some predictive information about the person. For one, if they're unemployed -- run like hell!!! Otherwise, considering the difficulty psychopaths show in normal social relationships, they tend to gravitate toward jobs that let them work with things, requiring a limited amount of human contact. Such occupations include auto mechanic, carpenter, truck driver and construction work, etc. Now I'm not saying that your plumber is necessarily a psychopath; psychos are found in all occupations. I'm just saying that the probability of finding one increases in jobs that revolve around things rather than people. They also gravitate toward positions of power, ie politics, school principal, psychotherapist, peace officer, etc.

As for drug usage, psychopaths love alcohol and methamphetamine (check out this DEA web page!). I suspect the "meth" helps give them the excitement they crave; gaining little or no security or comfort from the past, they must constantly seek excitement in the now. They get bored easily. I am told that the meth also enhances sexual behavior -- which is a strong reinforcer for continued drug usage. It can really make them think some bizarre thoughts, though. Habitual users of meth will likely have dental problems at an early age. So, if someone is only, say 50, and has no teeth left it's a good possibility that the person is a methamphetamine abuser. Now whether he or she is also a psychopath remains to be determined.

Another red flag is whether the person finished High School or not. This is significant, since only a small percentage of "dropouts" really do well in life. If the person you're dating claims to have graduated, ask from which school -- and quietly verify it. If you find out he or she did not finish school, find out why. Did she get pregnant? Was he expelled for carrying a semiautomatic weapon in the hallway? The reason someone leaves school before finishing will tell you something of his or her character.

Once a woman marries a psycho, it is far too late. By then, he'll know way too much about her life. So, when she eventually does him this huge injustice (like saying "no" to any of his selfish desires or confronting him about his flagrant immaturity), the big brat inside him gets all bent out of shape and he proceeds to "get her back for that", "teach her a lesson", and "let her know who's really the boss". It's as if the toddler can finally go one on one with Mom!

For this reason, I must inform you of "the one year rule". Don't go to a high level of commitment for at least a year, if you wish to be absolutely sure about him or her. Certainly don't get married too quickly! Even the best psychos will lose their masks within a year; it takes a lot of effort to keep up false appearances. This reminds me of what I once heard a woman scream at her psychopathic boyfriend: "I knew it wouldn't last two years!" Apparently, she has a personal rule not to marry someone before two years of relationship have gone by. Good girl! Another observation I can share with you is that several people I've talked to said that their boyfriends/husbands have a three month cycle. Once they forgive them and take them back, these men only maintain good behavior for three months at most. After that, they go back into their out-of-control/forgive-and-forget drama.

During that first year of relationship, many clues often go unnoticed. Conversely, it is necessary to evidence the presence of several signs, before coming to a "diagnosis" of him or her being a psychopath! It's reasonable to assume that as more and more signs and signals are observed, the more likely the diagnosis will be a fitting one. (There are, of course, official psychological tests already developed to diagnose psychopathy. More about them can be found here on Dr. Hare's website. I don't think any of them have an "asshole scale".) One dead give away is their parasitic lifestyle. If you're dealing with a psychopath, he or she may well ask you for money in some form soon in the friendship. Even if it's just a couple of bucks for gas, during those first few days you will probably be asked for something monetary. Of course, they sometimes have their own money.

Parenthetically, many consider themselves to be excellent musicians. These guys usually play the guitar but run out of material in about 15 minutes. They then start repeating what they've already played. They're all technique and no soul.

One simple clue is that the person may not adhere to common social customs. Manners may be lacking, the person gives the impression of being somewhat of a slob, he or she may seem unconcerned if ever late meeting you for something, and will rarely if ever apologize unless prompted. And if prompted, you can imagine the sincerity that will come with the apology! Sometimes, their personal deception style may have them over-apologizing. This shows insincerity, too.

Time and time again, I've heard of -- and observed first hand -- family, religion, etiquette and morality being used to stick the mask of normalcy on the psychopathic face. You may be told you're just like family -- early on in the friendship! (Some people call this being "fast friends".) The person may even have a wife and kids! Or, more likely, an ex-wife and one kid, because by then it had become obvious that the relationship was going nowhere. He may boast about reading "the Bible" or actually be able to quote scripture. Yet, if someone has to tell you that he's moral, chances are he isn't! They tend to tell you positive things about themselves, rather than show you things through their behavior.

Psychos typically rely on the frequency of words (they talk a lot), since they have difficulty empathizing with and using the intensity of emotion (see my frequency-intensity effect glossary item for more). These two observations together give the impression of them "knowing the notes but not the music" (ie Cleckley, 1988 and Hare, 1993). That of course means, that they know what to say so that normal people will develop a particular understanding, but they have no grasp of the emotional depth the others experience upon processing the words. It's also where you get the slick talkers from, the smooth-talking con men. The better grasp of the language the more successful a con can be. This alone can be a hint: if early on you feel confident in the other person, you might be being conned! This is significant since they always attempt to set up your perceptions of them right from the start, or at least early on. They can't play the relationship game very well, so they will try to quickly construct a favorable picture of themselves in your mind, using words. Now you may be justified in saying that everyone tries to give a good impression from the start, but I counter with the observation that you will be able to tell the difference when you see it...hopefully.

Still another red flag is that many of them will seem..."smirky". They have a smirky kind of grin in common and some seem to exhibit an ancy or jittery kind of "baseline energy output" in their movements. I think the smirk comes from the infantile quality of gratification their behavior gets reinforced with, while the apprehensive baseline energy output may be indicative of their perceived need to "deceive on their feet". They're always sensing that they have to size up and continuously monitor their current target. So, if you feel like he's keeping tabs on you, you might want to start worrying about how to get away from him. (See "The Loser" link, 3 paragraphs below.)

The psychopath may be jealous or seem paranoid. A classic clue is that the person will argue ad hominem to defend or rationalize his or her actions! Simply put, he or she will heatedly combat "the attacker" (be it a parent, friend, judge, society, etc) with name calling and finger-pointing of some kind, in order to get attention off his or her own behavior, or perhaps to gain sympathy for his or her perceived plight. It is also in this vein that the psychopath usually works on his or her intimates, constantly implying a lack of skills, looks, knowledge, etc, on the part of the other. The danger here (particularly for women since they tend to blame internally, while men tend to blame externally), is buying into his or her attempts to bring you down -- to "level the self esteem playing field" so that he or she can actually have a chance at ego enhancement! Other signs are either hypersensitivity to criticism or being totally oblivious to it. Usually the psychopath will be hypersensitive to criticism. They can dish it out but can't take it themselves. They get angry when confronted with their shortcomings. Otherwise, they may seem totally unaffected by criticism. This points to their utter lack of caring about the opinions of others. At any rate, the psychopath will likely be extreme in reaction; there's rarely a middle ground for them.

Psychopaths just love prowling the Internet! They are able to remain hidden behind the technology as they indulge in their hacking and cracking. They shrink from a fair fight; they will not engage unless they are 99.9% sure they will be victorious. Hence, we see the typical psychopath victimizing women and men of smaller stature. In other words, the common psychopath is just an immature little coward who feels a need to bully others in order to boost both his ego and, I believe, his pride in himself! ...I just don't understand why the movie industry makes such a big deal out of the "bad boy" character. Tarantino? Boooooo!

They can be quite clever and deceptive, yet you will get the clues if you're tuned into them. However, once you do sense trouble it is a whole different story how to get out of it, while maintaining your financial and emotional freedom. (I strongly suggest you also read this page on "The Loser". About two thirds of the way down the page there is a section on how to disengage from them.)

If you do slip, miss the signals, etc, and end up totally screwed by one of these "Untermenschen", be sure to find a "psychopath recovery" discussion group for support. You will need to hear the stories of others, or you may just start sounding like a rambling paranoid idiot yourself! There are lots of such groups on the Internet, and two good ones are located at http://www.aftermath-surviving-psychopathy.org/, and http://www.psychopath-research.com. I personally am trying to start up a group on Facebook, called "Psychopath Recovery". You may also wish to look into an in-person support group in your local area. Womens' shelters are a good place to ask -- and not just for female victims, either. If your situation involves a stalking, see Proctor (2003).

What can be kept in mind is that the majority of the psychopath's interactions with you will, on some level, be geared to get -- not to give. Early in this one way "relationship" the target is simply information...you find yourself talking a lot while what you hear back from him or her sounds great, culturally speaking. Even when apparently giving, their motivation is to receive. With information, the result is that if you look you will see a lot of lies being told. Because of this, my best advice is to verify what you hear. At least the big stuff. For instance, a newly encountered psycho may wish to impress you by saying something like, "...then when I got out of the army, I got my MBA from Harvard...." These "facts" are easy to verify; if they don't check out, you'll know you have trouble. With material goods, this motive is exposed when they threaten to take back a gift or to even destroy something he or she made for you. The gift was not a gift at all. It was more like an unspoken bribe for you. Their expectation upon giving it, was that you selflessly continue to fulfill all of his or her emotional and material needs -- or else! Quite infantile, wouldn't you say? [By the way, that army/Harvard quote was taken from a reenactment on the FOX television series "America's Most Wanted" (amw.com), now on the Lifetime cable channel. Hi John!]

That's another thing common in many psychopaths: their sense of entitlement is all out of whack. They feel inappropriately entitled to stuff -- typically your stuff! I find it's here that one gets a clear glimpse of their child-level perspective on life. A small child expects to get and get and get, while not being expected to give all that much toward the household maintenance. In adult relationships, this can lead to a man not having a job, expecting the woman to work and do whatever he wishes, whenever he wishes it. Such selfishness can -- and too often does -- lead to sexual assault and battery. In addition to that, this inflated sense of entitlement of theirs extends to punishing you any way they see fit, for however long they see fit, for any reason they find suitable. They enjoy exercising power over others. I believe they enjoy this as it is a direct opposite of what they probably experienced during their miserable childhoods.

I get the sense that the psychopath's ideal situation would be if he could imprison a wealthy person in a typical web of deceit and coercion. He could then slowly isolate her from her friends and family. Finally, he would settle down to suckle on the financial teat of his prize victim, undisturbed! Since psychopaths are so shockingly immature and selfish, they really have to hide this for as long as they can. For psychopaths, personality deception is long-practiced and their narcissistic resentment of the past runs deep. (In the coming years, I believe it will become painfully obvious that their sheer numbers are on the rise, possibly even gaining in their percentage of the general population.)

Curiously, it is indeed that larger-than-life picture of themselves that can give them away. As "the Quantum Future Group" states in their work What is a Psychopath?: "The psychopath is primarily distracted and impressed by his own grandiose self-representation, which often leads to him unwittingly telling people things that lead to his detection." (This quote is found almost a quarter of the way down the page.)

Another sign is a tendency toward passive aggression. This is how they can be aggressive and hateful, yet quietly get away with it. For example, he will see that your tire is almost flat, but will say nothing to you about it. You will then have trouble with it later and it would have been easy for him to help you out by saying something. Instead, it gives him the opportunity to be the hero as he leaps to your aid, thoroughly enjoying all of the excitement the occurance precipitates! I wouldn't be surprized to hear that he's the one who stuck that nail in your tire to begin with. I personally know of a psychopath committing arson - at one in the morning - in such a way that he was also the person to put the fire out and hence save everybody. Wow.

There are as many paths to deviancy as there are deviants. Along those paths, though, are similar events. For instance, while growing up, a person may experience continuous disappointments while never developing much of a sense of being able to control anything that happens to or around him or her. (Some such common events these days include the divorce of one's parents, being raised by grandparents or other relatives, domestic violence and the substance abuse of one's caretakers.) A victim mentality eventually emerges as a gestalt from the memory constructures (memcons), and this then shapes thought patterns to blame others for the bad things that happen to them in the future. Especially likely targets of blame are the person's intimates. Other popular targets include "the government" and other power-wielding groups and individuals.

One major form of inoculation against psychopathy is effective parenting. A parent can be available to promote self discipline and to help the child cope with loss and other negative events outside his or her sphere of influence or control. It is unfortunate for us, that they never seem to realize the actual sources of their anger at the world -- ie, their former caretakers and the events which occurred during their formative years! Instead what happens, is that they come to see the world with a generalized, free-floating anger, just waiting to be elicited by anyone who steps into their line of sight, or displays aspects of their many prejudices. Those of you who can read German may wish to look at Barth (1996) in order to get a better idea of this phenomenon. Pay particular attention to the interview segment. If you would like to read the article now, follow this link.

This brings me to yet another clue on how to spot a psychopath: talking about the childhood years! Granted, some people may feel clumsy or on the spot when asked about their childhoods, but will usually talk about it anyway. However, if caught off guard, psychopaths will likely look down, hesitate, try to change the topic, or simply make something up. Furthermore, if they've read a web page like this one, they may actually have a fabricated childhood all ready to go -- and launch into telling you about it firmly and without hesitation! The point is, that they commonly try to avoid the reality of the matter entirely, since the truth activates traumatic memcons, and they are typically not emotionally mature enough to face such painful memories head on. (From this, many turn to "self-medication" to avoid the encroachment of reality altogether.) All I can say about this is use your ability to decipher their non-verbal behavior (posture, tone of voice, etc), and again, use the one year rule. If you suspect you're hearing lies...verify, verify, verify!

Now, no responsible discussion of western psychopathy would be complete without at least a mention of sex and violence. I theorize, that while having sex, the male psychopath simply treats the female vagina as a masturbation vessel! (Creepy, huh ladies?!) They have no real capacity to share intimate, adult feelings; they just use other people to get their rocks off! As for violence, the psychopath employs what has been called "instrumental violence". This means that they simply use force, coercion and violence as tools to get a particular job done. There's rarely any emotion present; he just forces others to comply to his sick little world. Again...infantile. [This being considered infantile is significant. It suggests that the moderate to severe psychopaths may be experiencing "early pathology", which is generally more difficult to change than later occuring disorders.]

Psychopaths use deceptive behavior in many social situations. This is one reason why they are so difficult to treat -- if they ever even come in for therapy! In the psychopath's mind, he or she is not doing anything wrong; if there's a problem, it's your problem, not theirs. Furthermore, as Dr. Hare points out (Hare, 1993, p. 198-200), all they do in traditional therapy is learn even more about human nature, and then use this knowledge to continue to pillage and plunder humanity! Short of constant institutionalization or invasive neurosurgery, I see no effective (and currently legal) way to protect society from their behavior. Unfortunately for all involved, they typically do not stop their destructive behavior until they are either dead or in jail.