Tips to keep 'YOU" safe during the holidays

This time of the year is supposed to be joyous and happy but if you are a victim of abuse it can be a nightmare.

You may have heightened stressors as you potentially experience any of these:

Financial issues- lack of funds from overspending, job loss or layoff.

Getting together with family- While normally can be wonderful there could be pressures or conflict on top of dealing with your abuser.

Increased alcohol/drug use- It is not uncommon for usage of these to be more abundant.

Vacation- Your partner or loved one may be off for an extended time causing more heated exchanges.

What can you do?! 

1) Keep your phone charged at all times. Make sure you have trusted contacts on speed dial. This could be:

911 in the States for immediate assistance- Teach your children this number too! 

Family or Friend- These can help pull you out of a heated situation or act as a witness. Consider using a "Safe word" such as Gingerbread or Eggnog for a text or while you are on the phone. This can alert your person that you need help NOW.

Women's shelter

The Hotline - 1-800-799-7233   1-800-787-3224 (TTY) En Español

Safe Horizon -1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

NCADV - Resources page for National and International help

2) Along with the safe word tip, if you have a good relationship with your neighbor think about having a certain color light that can be lit when if you need assistance. If they feel comfortable they may ring the doorbell or knock to check. They could also call the police for you to do a wellness check.

3) Download a safety app such as - Circle of 6

4) If you are meeting your abuser for a visitation exchange contact a friend to go with you. If you can not find a friend, make sure this is done either in the daylight or in a public well lit area. Contact your local police department and give them the "Cliffnote" version of your situation and ask if they can meet for the exchange. They are happy to assist with this and will give you instructions on how to handle the situation. 

5) If you are still with your abuser make sure you have an escape plan. Don't back yourself into a corner or room without a window. 

6) Contact your local shelter for a Safety plan. You may not be leaving this second but empower yourself with knowledge of how to handle an escalated situation. 

Be safe! Know you are not alone in your struggle. If you need to talk feel free to message me privately. 

I started a closed group page for victims and Overcomers to share and encourage one another with respect. I will be changing this to a secret group at the beginning of the year.
Find it here to join- Hope when there was none group

Have I told you lately that I love you? 


BIG HUGS and stay safe!
Mel


P.S.- More news coming soon from my home front. 

Why you should leave a paper trail

Hey there Love Bug! 

Are you curious why you should leave a paper trail? 

Here is some background on one quote I found recently. I have been picking brains of those that are on the public speaking circuit and professional speaker, (God bless her patience!) Emily was wonderful to share tips and The Speaker Lab podcast! This helped her get started with her business. Since I am so green and have knocking knee about being in front of a crowd I thought this was the best information and podcast I have found! 

Now here is the reason I bring this up. Grant the Public Speaker Ninja, was talking about contracts and he once heard that "A paper trail is a "safe trail". I liked that! 

Which brings me to the subject post! So what is kind of paper am I talking about and why is it so dang important?

When I first left my abuser I hadn't thought much of taking paperwork. It wasn't until that first experience did I realize the importance. 

What types of paper I am referring to is:

Previous years income tax filings

Pay stubs (If your partner is receiving funds under the table and there is some sort of documentation that is SUPER important.)

Medical cards/files/prescriptions

Marriage/Birth Certificates

Mortgage/Rent contract

Business contracts/info (If you own this on your own or with your abuser.)

Auto Registration

Auto insurance information

401k or other investment information

Credit card bills/other misc. bills

Student Loans

Children's school information

Photos- Of the abuse or just cherished photos

If you have all of this and any other relevant papers make copies. Concerned this will be noticed? 

Consider copying one at a time. Mail the copies to a trusted friend or relative. You may want to get a PO Box. A small box is pretty reasonable. I have found one as cheap as $40 for a year. These do vary! So check around your local area. 

Most of everything on this list will be asked for by the court or your attorney. 

Now for the unpleasant stuff. 

I am going to be upfront and honest with you. The first 24 to 48 hours after leaving an abuser can be the most volatile. Make sure you keep your phone off or block your abuser's number. It can be tempting to answer his/her calls or text messages. I beg you to please not do so! 

If by chance you forget to do those steps then please keep track of the messages (text and voicemails). Perhaps, this person figures out where you are staying and comes by. Call the police! That is first and foremost! For your safety and if you have children. 

File a police report. This may start to feel tedious and as though your abuser is just getting away with everything. It can be quite frustrating! Trust me, even if that order has been violated a bunch of times it's not in vain! If your state or city is pretty lax these incidents can build up a case against them. 

If you are worried they are running around talking about you. Saying your a terrible person/caretaker, or you are a drug user or that you have a stash. Let that person talk! That's all they can do right now and they are super frustrated. The police and legal authorities can see right through these instances. Trust me! 

Keep a journal of all of the contact with dates, times, and where these things occur. 

These can be used in the future as well. The trick in all of this is to remain calm. This can be hard when you are experiencing someone that is stalking you, showing up at your place, or threatening you or your children. Take reasonable safety measures to keep yourself safe. Here are some tips from a previous blog post- Keep yourself safe after you leave. 

You may end up with a HUGE file box with paperwork. That's fine! I had 2 legal paper boxes and 2 red rope files with information about everything going on. It seems ridiculous but this did a few things for me. 

It gave me something else to do besides cry and feeling hopeless. It empowered me to say, NEVER AGAIN! 

I encourage you to journal as well during this time. This can help you with noting the events right after they happen so they are fresh and can be shared with your attorney, GAL, Doctor, or advocate involved. 

I hope this helps you on your journey. I also hope this doesn't dissuade you from leaving. Leaving is the best thing I ever did for myself and the hardest thing I have ever done. I've mentioned it in the past. I hate to sound like a broken record. 

Do you need help right now? Please contact the police! They are happy to help before a situation takes a dire turn. If you don't feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the non-emergency number of the police station (Many times they can give you resources that can help) or contact your local shelter. There is also- The Hotline or NCADV. 

Whichever you choose please know you are not alone. Many women and men are there to help you through your situation. If you aren't ready for that and need to talk confide in a close relative or friend and of course, please don't hesitate to send me a private message here, or blessmeplz@gmail.com or on my FB page- Hope when there was none. 

I am sharing awareness by setting up book signings, events, and speaking engagements. Here is where you can catch me next! Find my books here-Amazon

Would you do me a favor and recommend me to your church, school, or group? My mission is to inform, educate and empower by sharing my story. 

I hope you are safe and know that you are loved by me but by many others around you.

BIG HUGS,
Mel

Keep yourself safe after you leave an abusive situation

If you are reading this and you have already left your abuser I want to tell you... YAY! I'm proud of you! Now for the dirt.

The first 72 hours of leaving your abuser can be one of the most dangerous time.I am not sharing this to scare you or change your mind in leaving. I am sharing so you aren't caught off guard. 

Abusers will stop at nothing to get their victim back. A little smooth talking, a few tears, perhaps some threats to harm themselves or you. 

How do you keep yourself safe not only after 72 hours but going forward?

1) Get yourself an Protective Order! You may say, Melinda, I've done this and have a stack of them. He/She keeps getting a slap on the wrists, it's not working! Trust me, I know how frustrating this is! 

Anytime this person sends you a threat or upsetting message contact the police. Depending on the level of intensity they will let you know if a Protective Order is an idea. 

If it seems like nothing is happening and your ex is still harassing you or breaking into your home. Call the police! Leave a papertrail! This will serve you down the road legally. Any text, voicemail, email, note or letter that is threatening or just leaves you on edge call the police. If these come through and you have an active order this can send your abuser in violation. They may still get off but not doing anything is allowing your abuser to keep bothering you.

2) Don't let anyone talk you back into taking your abuser back! Not family or friends or even your abuser. You may have to sever ties with those close to your abuser or those that he/she may have woo'd by their charm. Ignore calls, messages and texts from your abuser. DON'T ANSWER OR ENGAGE! This is not your opportunity to give a few jabs in. Doing so could legally turn around and bite you in the butt for egging your abuser on. 

Have a friend or family member check your emails, text messages and voicemails. If there is anything that is alarming or they consider an emergency call the police or carefully evaluate the situation before returning correspondence.

3) You may find mysterious find yourself having "new" friends requests on social media or things you shared your ex may suddenly know about. Go through your list carefully to rule out who may be sharing info. Or to the extreme "feed" info (false info) to someone you may feel suspicious about. Let time go between giving info before you move onto others that raised flags.

4) Get a new phone or change your number. Before you put the brakes on this one, you do not need a flashy phone to get you through this right now. Unless you can afford it of course. There are several cheap phones that aren't too bad. 

I use Tracfone. I'm not advocating for this phone, just saying it is a good phone if you just want to make calls. Texting and data can cost a bit more, but I can swing this at this time for $20.00 every 2 months. It may cost a bit more when I am having emergencies or when I was having legal issues.  

If you can't afford a new phone or perhaps your abuser is paying the bill, be forewarned they can check the bill to see who you are texting and calling. They may also be able to enable the GPS on your phone.You may also get a phone from a Shelter! 

Invest in a phonebook. Unless you have all of your important numbers memorized. I'm a 70's child and had to remember phone numbers. This was pre-cell phones! Now, we live in a age where we just hit the phonebook on our cell, but what if you have to leave that? You can pick up a phonebook rather cheaply or make a list on Word or Excel. 

Consider using collect calls to make calls to your abuser or anyone connected to this person. Or use a phone card. 

Example: A BIG problem for me early in my leaving my ex was that I let my guard down. I didn't think and called my then Mom-in-law on her house phone using a cell phone that my ex did not know I had. He went over later that day for dinner, checked her cordless phone and scrolled down her caller id list. Guess whose number he found!?

So the things I speak of are from experience!

If you can find a payphone, use that. Sadly, these are getting harder and harder to find. But, keep change handy.

5) Speaking of GPS... Tracking devices can be very small. They could be attached to your purse, a child's backpack, toys, installed on your laptop or computer or somewhere in your home. Check your phone out. Check your children's things after a visit. Install software on your computer in case spyware was installed. 

A new laptop or computer is your better bet if you have the funds. If too pricey but you feel you need to have a new device, consider purchasing from a pawn shop, check upscale thrift stores, Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace or local groups. Of course, make sure if you go through social media to be safe and purchase in a public area. Consider doing so in front of a police station. 

Change your passwords, pin numbers, and change them often if needed on social media, banking, bills, and wherever you need to do so.

6) If you are securing your electronics, think about your home. Make sure your doors and windows are locked. Put dowel rods in a top corner of the windows vertically. There are window and door sensors that you can get from a hardware store that are easy to install. Consider getting security lighting and alarms, these can be bought relatively inexpensively. Change your locks on all your doors! 

Make sure if you keep a spare key that it's not in plain sight. Find a trusted neighbor and alert them to the situation and to call the police if they see something suspicious. You may ask them to also keep a key for you. This may be embarrassing to you or you may feel you don't want to bother anyone or put them in danger. Ask! 

Remember if you have a child, they may not understand leaving dear old Dad or Mom outside if they are knocking. Sit them down and talk to them about how important it is that you all stay safe and not to answer the door for anyone at all unless you give permission or allowed to answer the door if they are alone. 

Of course you don't want to put fear in them. Gently remind them that right now you and your partner are not getting along and to keep you all safe you need them to be brave and help you all stay safe. If they don't know about stranger danger, now is an important time to do so!

7) Speaking of the door! Instead of changing the locks if it is a wood door think about replacing it with a wood door. 

Consider keeping a bat, Pepper spray or even bug spray handy. If you have a permit to carry a weapon keep it handy. Make sure it is safe from your child. Gun's not your style or you are worried about the kids, consider having a knife near the door.  USE THE PEEPHOLE on your door and if you don't have one install one. 

8) Alert your child's school or daycare about your situation. Let them know that "YOU" are the only person your child goes home with, unless otherwise. Or change schools or caregivers if necessary.

9) See if a friend can stay with you or stay with a friend or better yet, go to a shelter! If none of these work for you. Be sure to keep a trusted friend or family member in the loop for where you are going. No your not a child, but you need to stay safe. Texting or sending a quick shout out to your tribe can help put their mind at ease. 

Change your routine! If your routine is to drive for coffee before work, consider going to a different coffee shop or going later. Drive home a different way. If you are using public transportation, take it at a different time. Shop at different stores in different areas. 

Example: In the early stages of our separation my abuser found out where I worked. He paid someone to follow me. This person soon knew my routine and then found out where I worked! He knew what time I started and when I got off. Lesson learned! 

10) Let your work associates know what is going on! You may not want to air your dirty laundry, but keeping your job secure is high priority for you Dear One. 

You may have upcoming legal proceedings, doctors appointments and so on. Keeping your boss included what is going on personally can also help them be more understanding if you are "not all there or focused".  Maybe ask to keep your name off of directories, desk, or office doors. If your place of work has security ask for someone to escort you to your car. No security? Ask a co-worker if they feel comfortable to do so.

11) Give your loved ones a "Code word" to use for phone calls or in case of emergency. Teach your child 911 in the States or the emergency number for your area. 

12) Make sure if you have to see your abuser for any reason that you do so in a PUBLIC setting. You can call your local law enforcement and let them know about your situation (Give them the CliffsNote version). Ask if they can send an officer to sit and wait for the visit or drop off for the kids to be done before leaving.

Now before you think that you don't want to "bother" the police I'll tell you a secret... They would much rather prevent an incident then to walk into an incident in progress or clean up the aftermath. 

Trust me! I've done this and the officers stayed a healthy but easy to get to me distance and waited around until I left. I even had one officer follow me almost all the way home for good measure. 

13) If you can swing it MOVE! Check how far legally you can move away from your abuser. That is if you have children together. Moving too far away could stir the pot and cause more legal issues. Try not to move to the middle of nowhere or a spot that is too surrounded by trees.

If you do move, consider getting a P.O. Box to use as an address for correspondence with your abuser and his/her attorney. Be forewarned the court or police may use your real address. ASK if they have to do it this way or if they do can they hide your address due to safety concerns.

Consider renting a home with utilities included. Or check your state for address confidentiality programs. They may also be able to give you a new social security number too! If you do find a rental apartment make sure you are on an upper floor. 

14) Going back to social media. Do not post where you are going. If you wish to share please do so AFTER you have went. Check your settings and make sure you are posting to your friends only! 

15) Remember I mentioned having a weapon? Consider taking a class in firearm safety or self defense. My family and I took a class through Protective Tactics 101 in Chesterton, IN visit them here- Protective Tactics 101 I highly recommend the class. It is an all day class so be prepared to stay for 8 hours or so. It was worth it! We were also blessed that someone gifted us the class. We hope to do another class in the future.

Taking the class and learning about handling a gun has helped me feel empowered and reassured me that if I need to protect myself and family I can without hesitation!

16) Stay situationally aware at all times. Assume you are going to be a target. Before you enter a public setting, parking lot or going out to your car make sure you are looking around your surroundings at all times. Don't check your phone for the latest text, online game, or social media update. That is not important. Save these for home. Keeping yourself safe is important right now!

17) If you read my other Safety posts, remember I talked about a "Go-bag"? Basically, it is a bag with a 3 day emergency set of clothes, toiletries, keys, and a bit of cash in.  I would throw in a cell phone that may not be active to use just for 911. Remember to throw in a phone charger!

18) Perhaps your abuser is threatening to kill themselves. Take that information to the police to do a wellness check or call his/her family. DO NOT ENGAGE!

Both times before I left my ex, I told his parents and even his boss knew! I let them know in case he did something rash. 

There will be threats of self harm, harming your, your children, or furbabies. Don't be surprised if people you know and love suddenly turn on you. Your abuser maybe turning on the charm and making your out to be the bad guy. Learn to let these things go as upsetting as they will be. Now these things may seem like over the top but these "tools" can help keep you safe. 

How long do you have to do these things? I hate to be a wet blanket, but I've celebrated my 9 year Independence day and I still implement many of these tools. I may have to do it for many years to come but now, they are so ingrained in my routine that I don't even think about them anymore.  

If at all you have any questions contact www.thehotline.org or your local police department. Don't hide. Enjoy life. Moving on is best for you and everyone involved. 

I am always happy to talk to you! I've walked down this road and have been there and survived.This is not an easy road, but I will tell you it will be worth it in the long run! 

Stay safe Dear One.

God bless!

BIG HUGS,
Mel

P.S.- The picture of me is for giving you a giggle on this otherwise strong and tough subject. Sometimes if I didn't find something to laugh about that I would cry. I hope this give you a giggle!

*Check out Amazon, Kindle and Nook for "Call me Master"  by Melinda Kunst, my escape from abuse. You will find not only my story, but tips and tools to help you on your journey. 

Coming soon, book two,"Rising from the ashes". I share what was going on behind the scenes when we aren't dealing with the legal system. Issues of suicide, Parental Alienation, rebuilding my self esteem, kicking PTSD to the curb (at least by 95%) and learning about healing chronic illness of Lyme disease and the long list of other illnesses that follow. *

5 years ago

 

5 years ago I fled my home with my children and a few meager belongings gathered in secret for a few weeks prior to our leaving.

It hit me on my way home today. As I was driving I realized how much I miss my oldest Son. It will be 5 years in September since I had seen him.

I called my Mom. I needed to vent and cry. Who best then Mom? She is incredibly hard to nail down as she works 2 jobs at least 6 days a week. Luckily, I had gotten her on the phone and I balled my eyeballs out, whining and bellyaching.

She listened.

She reminded me I did all I could in the situation we were in.

She told me that maybe someday he and I would reunite but sadly due to being in his Dad's care, his view of me is more then likely not a very nice one.

She told me to stop crying, it's over and done. To go home and hugs my baby- The big one, Terry.
I wiped my tears, quit feeling sorry for myself, remembering how far we have came and I was going home to a peaceful home, to those that loved me unconditionally.

She said she loved me and we said good bye. That's Mom. No punches held back. In the short conversation we had there is truth.

I usually keep much of these feelings inside. I don't share with everyone. I keep a smile on my face all the time, deep down, I feel unsure of myself. I lack confidence in myself. My self esteem is getting much better, though I still look in the mirror and can still sometimes hear an all too familiar voice, of my ex putting me down, saying I can't do anything. I will never amount to anything . . . Blah! Blah! Blah!

I met someone recently, she is in a relationship that is volatile. With tear filled eyes, she asked me how I did it? How did I escape? How did I stop loving him?

It took a LONG time. Even though many of my feelings were not as hers are, I still mourned my breakup.

Feeling as though it was my fault that I was unable to keep the marriage going.

Feeling that I somehow failed.  It took a very long time to stop these feelings.

Those feelings eventually were replaced with anger, regret, remorse and then clarity.

Clarity?

Yes indeed!

I had clarity that all my faults were not mine. They were his! After being told I was a screw up, I made those spiteful and mean spirited things my own.

I began to dig deep. I absorbed all I could about Abuse, reading blogs, books, survivor experiences to remind me that I was not alone. At the same time I began to sink into a deep depression. I had to stop reading these things. To understand abuse is one thing, but I felt a sadness for those that were suffering.

I couldn't fix the world, but I can fix myself.

I read my Bible. I prayed. I prayed for God to work in me. To heal my mind and shattered spirit. To bind up the tattered broken pieces of my heart. I was able to lift my spirit with many great verses, enabling me to get through the day.

I began to seek out positive affirmations again. To picture the life I wanted. To erase, "Can't" from my vocabulary. To see the wipe away the small worries. The small stuff.

I wrote a Bucket List.

Created a Vision Board

I didn't bar hop or go nuts partying after I left my ex. I'm not a party person.

I did reconnect with my kids. Going to parks, the beach, the city (Chicago), exploring and playing games.

I have done things I read about in magazines and books- Law books to help me learn Pro bono workings of the court room. I'm pretty proud of myself for this.

I dove into doing things such as, Bee keeping, more gardening, Chickens/Ducks, Canning, Author, hosting Vision Board workshops, Reflexology, Herbs, Crystal healing, Aromatherapy, Meditation (I'm still working on this!), a Doula, teaching myself to crochet (I will have to post my first afghan on here, it is extremely crooked but I did it myself! ), hosting antique sales out of the house- I do have a booth space now.

And more, I do whatever else tickles my fancy! Most of these things are inexpensive or free. If you can find someone to teach you then go for it!

I found articles online and in books about rediscovering me! Finding my Inner Goddess, so to speak. Anytime I felt crappy I would open my bible, call a close friend, share with the Hubster or journal.

I have my mantra- "Hope" I have had this for almost 8 years now. I moved onto other mantras, such as "Believe", "Inspire", "Dare to Dream". In all honesty I keep coming back to "Hope". I see it all over the place, in places I wouldn't even think about. Billboards, webpages, books, news stories.

Hope.  A little word with BIG meaning for me.

I'm not erasing my past. I have forgiven and let go. The past is what shaped me. Though I can't escape the memories or bad dreams, they have loosened a grip on me.

Now don't get me wrong, I still look over my shoulder to see if my ex is around. I make sure I am aware of my surroundings all the time. Our address and my work place are still under wraps. I still worry from time to time.

But we are safe. I am free! My kids and I are still a work in progress. Things are much better then they were 5 years ago today.

I'm not haunted by my past, I am moving on to a beautiful life. I don't have a flashy car or home. We are comfortable. I'm married to my best friend. The love of my life! I have 5 beautiful children- Terry's daughter, my oldest son, Jess, Alex and Kalven.

My situation is rare. Not everyone finds another love, quickly or that is not an abuser.

Please tread carefully when leaping into a new relationship! Rediscover you!

There can be a happily ever after! You have to want it! You have to desire to be more then a doormat.

Brush off your dreams, wishes and sorrows, soar like a butterfly! You can do it!

If someone you know is still struggling with leaving an abusive situation, please do not give up hope. Check in from time to time. The drama can be very intense, if you dig deep, it can drag you into a roller coaster. Step back if need be. But do let the victim know that if they ever need help you will be there or can direct them to someone that can help!

It was nice for me to know that despite it all, my family and close friends never gave up on me! It actually did encourage me to find the strength to leave.

I'm cheering for you! BIG HUGS and prayers!

Mel

Computers, cell phones and safety revisit

I chatted briefly with someone about her daughters experience with an abusive relationship and how the madness continued after she bravely left. He continued to stalk her, show up at work, threaten her, call/text non-stop. Luckily he was found guilty of stalking and is now serving sentence in another state.

She mentioned that he knew her email, passwords and private contact info. He went through her address book and emailed everyone, sending nasty messages, opening accounts in her name and finding out where her whereabouts were by looking at her message and social media pages. He was able to harass friends and family by pretending he was her.

He also was able to close utilities, credit cards and drained her bank account. He changed all passwords on all accounts, leaving her frustrated, scared and upset.

What would you do? This isn't the first time I have heard of these, I myself have first hand experience and several others have went through similar events.

If you are planning on keeping the computer/laptop. Back it up, use Restore disks that came with your computer and wipe it clean. Use a professional if you need to, but if you have the disks you can do it for free, it just costs you a little time to put install everything. This could save you a lot of financial heartache or physical safety! If you can afford it buy a new computer/laptop/cell phone.

Keystroke programs and GPS tracking are very popular with Abusers so, change ALL passwords for EVERY account. Alert your major credit cards, banks, utilities of your situation. Many businesses will place a password on your account. Contact credit bureaus as well. They can note all strange or pricey purchases and stop whoever it is at the store or online shop.

Turn off any GPS features on your cellphone if it is still tied to your ex. When taking a picture with your phone remember this does let anyone know where you are by mapping coordinates. Change your cell number.

Be smarter then your abuser. Think like a detective. Alert your friends, family, work and places you frequent of the break up. If he/she is stalking you please let police know the situation, don't be afraid to ask them to patrol your area more from time to time. They are not the bad guys! Leave a paper trail of police reports and incidents. (Stalking, harassing calls or numerous text messages)

Be proactive about knowing your surrounding. Let someone know of your whereabouts, even if your running out for gas or for milk. Stop Twittering or Fb or whatever social media outlet you use about who you are seeing or where you are going over the weekend or through your day.

If you plan on moving and are in a legal fight, ask if you can have your address private, or if you leave without telling anyone where you are (Not recommended there are some legal reasons that can have YOU charged as a criminal or if you have kids you could potentially lose them). Since I am not an attorney please ask for legal advice or if you have an advocate that deals in abusive situations please ask protocol.

If the above situation applies to you, get a P.O. Box. Make your phone number unlisted or use a throw away phone that allows your abuser access if you absolutely need to. Give him/her a different email address and let him know that you that you will reply in 24 hrs, unless emergency.

"An emergency on his/her part, does NOT make an emergency for on mine!" Great mantra!

Before you leave make copies of:

Every bills
Paystubs
3 years Income taxes
Birth certificates
Social Security cards
Marriage certificate
Immigration papers
Lawsuit info
Financial accounts
Medical records
Copies of computer back up
Phone lists and addresses
Photos
School records
Insurance- Home, business, auto and health
Keys

Save your pennies and enlist a good friend to keep a stash of cash for you. I was sending my copies and cash to a family member via US Mail before I left.

This is a small list. Please refer to past blog posts on Safety list and Safety. This is YOUR life! Reclaim it! There can be happiness after this. Believe and have Faith!

God bless!
Prayers for you Dear Blog reader and for those that are standing by someone that is in a abusive situation.

Love and Light,
Mel

Get over it already!

It can be quite easy for someone that hasn't walked in your shoes to tell you how you should feel. Whether it is a few weeks or months or maybe years since you have been through your abuse.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on when you should been done healing or they may ask you why you feel compelled to keep bringing up the subject of your past.

"Why can't you just drop it?"
"Why don't you just move on already?"

You may get some eye rolling or deep sighs from the person you are sharing your feelings with. Soon, you just clam up holding so many of the hurts inside.

It can be very hard for somebody else to understand the in's, out's up's and down's of being a victim or a survivor of abuse of any sort. I've gotten... "I understand" when I know the person had never been effected directly or indirectly by abuse. There has been times I wanted to shout, "How could you?!" or "Seriously?!", I do tuck those aside as most people do not really know how to answer or help when there is a situation that is out of the norm.

People love to give advice or hear gossip, but when it is something that is outside the normal comfort zone you can have problems.You finally open up to someone that may have pestered you for what is going on in your life and you may leave them dumbfounded, amazed or speechless.

I can't prepare you for what is going to happen during your journey (Hopefully you are on the path of healing and safety). I can share my own opinions and they seem to have really evolved since I began this incredible path that has been filled stumbling blocks, set-backs, fear, discouragement, joy, happiness, hope and faith.

I've mentioned many times that it isn't easy to leave an abuser. There is no abuse worse then another. There is not right or wrong time to make the jump to leave or kick him/her out. You will know in your heart, things will fall into place that point to what the right decision for you is.

I have read many cases where the abuser is using drugs or alcohol and once they get off the habit the person changes into a great person with no other patterns of abuse. Now, these are very rare and slim chances. I do not want to give anyone a reason to stay with their abuser for hope of change. I do not want to say one way or another this will work for every substance abuse relationship. If it does or did that is terrific! Blessings to you and your partner!

I also do not want to say that something earth shattering may happen to your abuser and they will forever change their behavior for the better. Put that aside. Think about you. Your abuser no matter what the situation is responsible for his/her behavior. Take off your Mom/Dad cap and let this person know or let them go to make the decisions they need to make for the path they want to keep on.

You need to think about you.

Ask yourself a few questions:

Where do you see yourself in a year?
Alive? Dead from your abuser or suicide?

Will you still be in the same relationship? Maybe feeling stuck or scared or hopeless.

What do you want out of life?

Do you honestly want to live the rest of your life this way? (Scared or suffering?)

If you have children, please think of them. If you see that one of your children maybe seeing someone that is abusive or may themselves be an abuser what would you do? Our children do have a tendency to pick up the abusive patterns. The amazing transformation of a broken spirit can be awesome! It doesn't happen overnight, so please do not shake your head and think that I must be smoking funny cigarettes because it has been years since you may have left your abuser and your child maybe pretty rough around the edges.

It may take years of counseling or talking to caring friends or family to heal. Children seem to have a tougher time healing after an abusive relationship. They are too immature to explain or vent about how the abuse affected them. Don't be surprised to see aggression, confusion, head banging, running away, verbal abuse, cutting, crying, depression, anxieties, withdrawing from you and more.

Like yourself, they need time to heal. Healing is slow. It can be frustrating. And that is my professional opinion as a Jack of all trades. I am not a therapist or counselor. I have read much on the subject, spoke to various professionals (Legal and Medical) and of course my own first hand experience.

The raw emotions in the beginning after leaving the abusive relationship are very strong! They can be overwhelming! (I never did wear the Rudolph the booger nose reindeer look well) Believe or not they will pass as time goes by. And if you plan to live a charmed life soon after leaving your abuser, though that sounds lovely, in reality you may be dealing with someone that threatens your life or your children or is stalking you and the legal circus could have you in tears.

So my Dear Blog reader, I am not sharing any of this to intimidate you, or cause you to think, "Maybe I'll just stay with Joe/Jane Doe to save myself the trouble or problems."

The road to recovery and freedom from abuse by far outweighs where you are now. Knowing that you can survive from this and you will survive should inspire you to stay strong.

OK, enough of the pep talks! If you are in a super volatile situation, consider bringing in the police. Contact a shelter or check with your state or country about legal help in these matters, especially if you have children together! Safety is the primary concern!

Please check out previous posts about Safety or Leaving your abuser for suggestions or tips.

Stay safe and God bless!
Mel

Flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks

This title sounds terrible! I don't know what else to call it.

The chapter on my marriage to my abuser I consider closed. In reality, my thoughts, dreams and sometimes paranoia run away with me. I foolishly had a thought that with the end of the marriage my bad dreams and other things would vanish. Like Houdini, waving a magic wand... **POOF!** All the feelings of sadness, grief, pain and panic would be gone!

In the real world, these feelings linger for time. How much time is depending on each person and how ever long you were in a relationship with the person that tormented you. No matter, if it was verbal, mental, emotional, physical or sexual, it all takes time to heal.

I'm terribly impatient, I want it over now! Even when I'm in the foggy feeling of losing it due to a panic attack, do I get super frustrated and angry with myself for getting so worked up. And in my head I'm mad that my abuser still has some sort of lasting control that I break down to a breathless, teary-eyed, puddle of goo.

More so lately, I seemed to lose myself in a moment of memories. I seemed to get catapulted to a time when I was still with my ex (gosh I like that!). For some reason, whatever the trigger, I get lost in a blink of an eye. I can smell, hear and feel the raw emotion of past times. There are times when I look over at Terry laying in bed and for a brief moment I feel a panicky feeling that if I look too long he turns into my ex.

If I hear someone with a Nextel or a certain chirp on their phone I look around and feel twitterpatted that it's my ex calling or near me. I see a car that looks like his or a person that from afar looks like him and I feel like my body can't move. Like a deer in headlights.

I don't know when these feelings will leave me. I know my children experience some of similar things. Loud noises and yelling (very rare around here) cause us all to jump out of our skin. I know there are things counselors use. But to tell the truth, I get all panicky about having to go and relive all the memories again. I feel I can do that on my own with no problem! I can take myself back and recall some pretty nasty times.

4 years ago if you would have asked me where I would be today, I would have responded, "In a hole somewhere, in the middle of some lonely spot." I know in my heart, as do many of my family and friends that I would not have survived that marriage longer. Terry and I talked about that the other night. He told me to stop talking about that, he doesn't like that picture. I agree, but the truth of the matter is I would not have survived.

But I did! I got my kids out of there. Though I am sadden by my son's decision to go back to his dad. I almost feel haunted by the decisions I made. I don't question the choice to leave! Oh, Heaven's NO!
I also know that if I didn't decide to do things the way I did, there would be an alternate story to the one I'm in now. I, in some ways, feel as though I'm living a fairy tale. My past is so surreal that it's hard to believe we lived how we did. Survival mode always turned on. Even in the good times!

I want nothing for good things to come from all of this:
1) My son to come to realize that I miss the heck out of him and long to give him a hug again.
2) The girls get some big brother time again. I know they miss him!
3) My ex gets some sort of treatment and help. I pray for the woman that he ends up with!
4) The kids and me finally find an end to feeling scared, panicky and worried about my ex.
5) Someday my ex will have a good, safe relationship with the girls.

I haven't been alone with my ex since Sept 2009. Prior to that, he put his hands on me anytime he could. I don't trust him. I don't feel we can have him over or a bbq anytime soon. Not that we would! The address here is private. That does give me some comfort. In a old voice mail from June, my ex rattle on that I shouldn't blab about our relationship to everyone if I don't want it to get back to him. Funny thing is I haven't. I found out a few people from my old shop (antique store) still read this blog and they were able to make they're own decision about him based on what truth they read. As well as the personal experiences each of them had with my ex.

I'm sitting here shaking my head. Happy to be out and sad to think I am still hiding in some ways. Afraid to go out or announce things about me personally because he may find out where we are or where we live. I don't think I can ever let my guard down. So why I should be happily making wedding plans I have been getting lost in the past more frequently of the late. Not sure why. I needed this! Thank you Dear reader for listening to me rant and rave! All in all I'm forever grateful we are safe, we are loved and we are not alone...

I implore you to leave if you are in a difficult situation that is life threatening or harmful to your well being! Please don't worry about the house or the things in it. Leave with your life! Screw the possessions you can get new things. They are just things! You are not replaceable! Tell someone, call the police, find a shelter if need be, but get to safety!

Many prayers for you with whatever decision you choose to make with your life or the lives of your children/pets. No man/woman is worth risking your life or sanity with the promises that they will change. Please check out my other posts on Safety or Leaving your abuser!

FINALLY, remember you are not alone! God bless!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Counseling sucks!

I'm not digging this counseling idea at all! Therapeutic counseling is not suited for those that went through a Abusive situation in my personal opinion. I have had more anxiety about these visits leading to my ulcer acting up and mini meltdowns.

So now the kids have an appointment earlier this week and come to find out that J has entertained killing herself again. I question the way the counselor aimed the question and plan to ask next time we go to a session. She was diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety and something else. The doctor prescribed Prozac. I'm less then tickled about this choice but due to her swinging moods that sometime mirror her father when he was younger, I'm unclear what is just plain teen moods or something more.

J, is happy to be home and she feels as though she was kind of tricked with the questioning. I wasn't in the room and don't know for sure. We talked about her feelings, why she felt that way and boy does she has some deep concerns about her father. Both my girls are struggling with anger, sadness and fear. I don't know how to help them. I've asked them to share what they have experienced, begged them to write down anything they remember, but they choose to bottle the memories until they have a emotional roller coaster. Both girls say they are really happy to be where we are now. R doesn't know where we live and they feel safe for the first time in a long time.

I am apprehensive to take them back. It's court ordered and neither want to go again. We haven't even began to discuss meeting with R and the girls or M with me. I dreaded the possibility that R may follow me home.

As we get closer to our Final court date I still feel nervous. I wish the judge would just say we are done rather then having a Hearing. I actually did start to mention that we are planning on having a BBQ to celebrate. But I know due to R's fixation he won't be out of our hair. I keep getting reminders from others not to forget that.

Thank the Lord for the strength He has given us to keep going... I still question my parenting skills and whether I'm a good Mom. I question everything. I also still struggle with breaking free of unnecessary habits, such as doing the dishes (Ok I slack at drying them)

Checklist for leaving an abuser

The following steps represent a plan for increasing safety and preparing in advance for the possibility of further violence. Although I do not have control over my partner's violence, I do have a choice about how to respond to him/her and how to best get myself and my children to safety.



Step 1-
A. If we are going to have an argument, I can try to have us discuss it in_________ (try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchens, near weapons or in rooms without access to the front door).
B. If it is not safe to stay, I can ______________________(Practice how to get safely out. What doors, windows, elevators or stairwells would you use?)
C. I can keep my bag and car keys ready and keep them __________ in order to leave quickly.
D. I can tell ______________ about the violence and request they call police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my house.
E. I can use____________ as a code word with my children or friends so they can call for help.
F. I can teach my children how to use the telephone to contact the police and the fire department.
G. If I have to leave my home I can go to__________________(Decide this even if you don't think there will be a next time.)
*Use your own judgement. If the situation is very serious, give what he/she wants to calm him/her down. You have to protect yourself and your children until you are out of danger.
* Always remember- You deserve better then this!!!*
There's more but you get the jist. Think about hiding a spare set of keys , important documents, and extra clothes in the car if you need to leave quickly.
Get help from support groups or a counselor.
Rehearse your safety plan and practice it with your kids!
Consider getting window locks to secure your windows.
Purchase rope ladders for 2nd floor windows.
Install motion detectors!
Make sure your kids know how to call 911.
Inform schools about your situation.
Make copies of your protective order and keep your protective order in your purse, car, at school. Always keep it on your person!
If you are leaving work leave with a buddy, use the buddy system whenever possible.
If you ride on public transportation sit by the bus driver, check with conductor, exit with groups of people. Keep your cell phone out!
If you feel down talk to someone, a friend, counselor, or contact a women's shelter near you.
If you must contact your ex-partner do this through your atty or family.
Remember to use positive affirmations when you feel others are trying to control you! You deserve better, you are worthy of being loved, you are strong!
Read self help books and call your therapist or counselor if you need more resources.
Keep in mind alcohol and drugs can alter your partner. You may need to make specific plans for escape. Don't consume drugs or alcohol and if you decide to make sure you are in a safe place when you do so.
Also think about having a designated driver and always stay close to friends.
If your partner is consuming you can refuse contact with your partner.
Think about the potential cost of the use of illegal drugs, the legal outcomes can be very hard and hurt the relationship with children and also put your in a disadvantage with legal action.
What do you need to take when you leave?
Id
Drivers license
Birth certificates
Money
Pink slip if you have a car
Lease or rental agreement of house, deed or mortgage book
Banking information
Check books
Credit cards
Insurance papers
Keys
Medical papers/Medical records
Medications you may need for yourself and kids
Small sale-able items
Address book
Pictures
Welfare information
School records
Work permits
Green card
Passport
Divorce papers
Jewelry
Children's favorite toys or blankets
2 or 3 years of Tax returns
Computer passwords for online banking and for bills
*Keep this information in one location. If you need to leave in a hurry you can grab these quickly.
IMPORTANT NUMBERS
Police Dept_______________
Shelter___________________
Other____________________
Review your plan once a week or monthly! Change if need be!
Good luck! And blessings!