Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Fear and leaving
"Get out of my face! You make me sick!"
"You won't make it without me!"
These words and more can make a person, man/woman/child heartsick.
Words can paralyze you and devaste you.
Fear can grip at your heart causing you to rethink any plans or thoughts of making an escape.
You second guess yourself.
You may believe after time everything he/she says is true. You think to yourself that you are worthless, you aren't with a damn, you are (fat, lazy, stupid or fill in the blank), you won't be able to survive without this person.
It is hard to make that step and to never to return.
It is hard to file that Order of Protection or to take steps to call the police.
It is hard to start again!
You CAN do it!
You CAN survive alone!
You CAN make a new life
You CAN make a better life
And you CAN be FREE!
Fear keeps many victims tied to they're abuser. Fear is the biggest reasons I stayed with my abuser. And to this day there is a bit of fear left over, residual fear that still knocks the wind out of me from time to time.
I had a nightmare the other day and I woke up upset. It is bad enough to still dream about the abuse and my abuser but it is worse because in my dream I woke up in my dream still with my abuser! I had to wake myself up again and breathed a sigh of relief it was just a dream!
Of course I couldn't fall back to sleep because all I saw was my abuser again when I closed my eyes. In my dream I didn't see his face (I know it well) I just woke up in my dream with his back turned to me and I know what his back looks like and our old bedroom.
Fear had a hold of my heart again, briefly and quickly. The rest of the day was a blur but that dream haunted me for the the remaining days ahead.
Financially many are held hostage by their abusers. Mental games are often used as often as name calling and put down's. With the fear of being homeless or penniless on a mind of a victim this can keep a person tied to they're partner for years! I am still married to my abuser, though I pray for a day when we are can be set for a Finalization court date, I have the knowledge that I am free of never having to cater to his whims and wishes any more.
I don't have to be played with emotionally or have to listen to his ranting or raving. And I don't have the fear of when he gets home what is going to happen with the rest of my day/evening.
Though I still have fear about what my children will go through unsupervised with this man. I have armed them with the knowledge that they don't have to take his crap. They can still respect the man but they do not have to like his behavior now put up with it.
Thankfully we have had supervised visits for over 2 years and this has given them time to heal and become stronger.
Small word that causes BIG emotions and can do so much to a person.
Learning to control your own fears and moving on is a process that is slow and won't happen overnight. Learning to love oneself and to be able to talk to others about fear is a tool that many victims need to have on the road to recovering from abuse.
Fear is for a thrill ride
Fear is for a scary movie
Fear is for icky shots or medical procedures
Fear is not allowable in a relationship
Fear is not part of love
Fear is not allowed to grip your heart to terriorize you
Fear is should not keep you from leaving your abuser