A little about me

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Old and new loves

Five women with five entirely different relationships but each have one thing in common.


Each one was or is a Victim of Domestic/Family Violence.

I hung up the phone several times during the past few months with tears in my eyes, being unable to comprehend what I just heard. Replaying the conversation in my mind and it is just too worrisome to think about.
She is taking him back.

Each of these stories they remind me a bit about my own story. Snippets of situations between each of these women mirror my own.

Woman 1:
Several children

Outwardly the couple seems like a model couple, kids are happy, family outings, and members of a church that they attend regularly. No one would guess he is verbally abusive. Physically this has taken quite a toll on her body. She has health issues that were discovered to be caused by stress.

She wants to save her marriage. They are in counseling and are working on the marriage to keep it together. I was not surprised and admire her strength and the love she has for her mate to make things work for them and their children.

Woman 2:
Just recently Divorced
Children from a previous marriage

History of violence between the 2 of them. He seems to continually run with a mean streak. She is not happy but fears she will never find another. She puts up with the violence and sexual addictions. She has been in and out of living with him. The excuse is that he is good to her children. Marriage is not in the future because he does not believe in it.

I have known her for a long time. We have more then history, she is also the woman my STBX had moved into our home back in 2007. I have seen her take her mate back after he beat her severely. He would tell her that he loved her, cared for her, wants to take care of her. Both have had a string of affairs with men and women, swinging, both together and while they were apart. She confides that he is a cross dresser, closet bisexual male and loves to victimize her often. While drinking he tends to become heavy handed.

She stays...

Woman 3:
No children

The history here is similar to the above ladies. In and out of the relationship. Listening and craving love from someone that promises her the world, only to spin out of the "Honeymoon cycle" to abuse her one way or another.

He loves to put her down, which causes her to doubt herself, love herself and places fear of not finding someone else down the road. They have been on and off for a number of years, each time he promises her he will change, that he will get help and he loves her. While separated both have had other short or implusive relationships with others, causing more troubles as he throws them in her face.

Drinking and drugs fuel angry outbursts and inappropiate behavior like a ticking time bomb. She waits for the other shoe to drop.  After a recent explosive episode and some time apart... She took him back.

Woman 4:
Children with husband and new man in her life

Violent marriage, many forms of abuse were endured, sexual, mental, verbal and she finally left him after many years. The roller coaster of the divorce is still hurtful. In the beginning, the same self doubt that plagues many victims is in her mind. She won't make it without him or she will be back begging him to take her back.

She stays gone, but jumps into a relationship that seemed perfect a month after leaving her husband.

He is a great guy, good job, loves kids and has a child from a previous marriage that broke up a few years back.

 She misses the warning signs in the relationship. Something just doesn't seem right. Mr. Wonderful is Bisexual. He checks out gay porn and regular porn. A frequent flier on Craigslist and some other websites. He has a secret email address, pictures of men and women. He strays, confesses to her that he had oral sex with another man. He promises he will try to stop, he loves her and cares deeply for her and the children. She took him back.

Sex is non-existent, but she craves love so deeply she continues to look the other way even though it is tearing her apart. She stays, not wanting to upset the kids and not wanting to have to explain to family and friends about the seemingly perfect relationship breaking up. Though to everyone that knows them marriage is inevitable down the road.

Woman 5:
2 kids from another relationship

In and out of relationships. She finally found a keeper! He ends up having an accident and unable to work. He starts drinking. He calls her names, calls her kids names and accuses her constantly of seeing other men.  He checks up on her about every half hour. And gets upset if she does not take her calls.

They don't go anywhere. He complains they have no money to do anything. But there is always money for beer and cigarettes. She has no friends anymore. She only goes to work at a local Walmart. Even though she put herself through school, the job outlook for her is grim. She does not believe she will find anyone that will take her, love her and her children.

He gets the family kicked out of a trailer park they just moved to. Now living with her parents, emotions run high. He leaves out of state and tells her he will be back, he misses her and loves her. He promises he will stop drinking and stop verbally abusing them.

She took him back.

Each of these ladies have a different story but so many things sound the same.

Each lady is a smart woman, strong woman and capable of not needing they're mate to survive.

Each woman has gotten to the point where they're self esteem is in the toliet. Love is so strong for they're mates they want to make it work. They long for love and even though the love comes with strings, each one is trying again to make it work.

Each story left me scratching my head. Each one made me sad. Each story reminded me of me in small way. I pray that each find the happiness they crave. I hope each learns to love herself and if they have to leave the relationship may they know that they do not need to be a victim anymore.

I feel privileged that each allowed me into a view of they're lives. I listen, I chime in on occassion to a person with my own experiences. I can not tell anyone when to leave. I can not tell anyone to stay. I can tell them to listen to they're own inner voice to know.

They each need to know that they need to do what they need to do for themselves and for children (if they have them). They need to know they are worthy of finding a real love or need to love themselves again.

No person is worth taking one's own life. I been there before too. I was suicidal and my STBX was my cheerleader for me to take my life. In a way I did not want to give him any satisfaction that he got to me. I did not want my children to end up with him, without me and what I chicken I was for allowing my mind to let me give up that easy.

Working on your relationship is hard work! Communication is a vital factor in a troubled relationship. There is also prayer, counseling and support groups for couple's and individuals for help as well. Finding a person you can trust and lean on during troubles is also wonderful to have!

It doesn't matter if you are in a old love or new love. Challenges are in all relationships, even one's without abuse.

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