Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Saw R today he was pounding on the window of the van, demanding that I put it down! Terry had reminded me to double check my windows and door locks, as everytime I see R he tries to get at me. So R is getting more upset, I worry because he offhandly mentioned he has a few sets of keys to the van. He may have said that just to see if I would panic. I did see him go for his keys and I think I actually saw the van key, but he flashed them so fast I am not sure if I actually saw it. The kids had the privilege of observing this outburst. Way to go R!
I found out on the way home that R yelled at M while he was over there. M said he was upset because his Dad was bad mouthing me. He wanted to call me but R wouldn't let him. I told M if he felt threatened he needed to call 911 next time. He said he didn't feel threatened it just made him cry.
Oh that man! He is screwing it up all on his own. I know he didn't change, no way and no how. I feel bad but this is something the kids need to learn on they're own. They are old enough to find out for themselves, just in case they have forgotten they are in for a refresher course! Sounds terrible I know!
How many times did that man push me out of the car both while moving and not? He'd get mad at stupid things so many times. Didn't matter if it were hot or cold, "Get the *uck out!" You would have thought I would be used to it but no matter how many times did I feel my heart feel as though a knife had passed threw it? You feel this sick sinking feeling in your belly. Feeling that you let him down again for whatever.
I can remember him telling me on numerous times that if I left him no one would ever find my body. He said he would tell a group of men where I was and he would have them rape me repeatedly. After I was raped he said if they let me live after they then beat me he would rush in as the savior. I would never know when this would happen so I would need to watch out. He would tell me that he knew men at job sites that were unsavory and wouldn't mind taking a buck or a case of beer to do something.
I pictured that in my mind. Is he all talk? I don't know, I do know I can never let my guard down.
I grew to hate myself for many years not liking who I saw in the mirror, a coward, someone with a crooked smile, my glasses didn't sit right on my face (because of my funny ear), ugly, blah, blah, blah! I overheard someone close to me get called a "Stupid lazy Mexican" I thought of R, he would say that or something similar. Or he would say all Mexicans were lazy *uckers. I was nothing but a spic not even worth going down on him.
I would get up some mornings hating myself. I hated the mirror, I hated to look anyone in the eye, I still struggle with this. I find myself looking down or away. I don't understand how anyone feels that I am attractive.
He would tell me that all men wanted just a lay. Don't look at them or talk to them. I grew paranoid that it's all men wanted so I didn't look. He would constantly accuse me of cheating tirelessly. I wasn't. I could have but did not sink to his level.