Wednesday, August 10, 2011
You walk like a *ucking horse!
I became so self concious about how I walked when I was next to him. Paranoid, worried and scared to "gallop" walk. I became clumsy, tripping over my feet while we walked together. This of course caused him to become aggravated with me.
"What the hell?! Can't you walk with your feet in?! You walk like a damn duck!"
Oh yes, heard that one too.
"The corner of your mouth droops when you talk, stop that!"
I never noticed it until he mentioned it.
"Your teeth are so crooked. You need braces" ~ I stopped smiling really big for awhile, especially if he was around. I grew paranoid about my teeth and smile.
"Damn circles under your eyes. Put something on your eyes!"
"Droopy tits. I'm going to get you a boob job"
"Don't tilt your head like that, I can see your double chin, *cuking pig"
"Your sweating like a disgusting pig"
I'm a profuse sweater. I have always hated that! He refused to hold my hand.
"Your such a lazy fat pig"
"Get a *ucking job you lazy spic"
"Your just good for one job on your back or on your knees"
"Men are pigs, they won't want you for anything else but a *uck"
I am still breaking free of hearing these things in my head. Like a tiny voice in the back of my mind I can sometimes still look in the mirror and see what he called me.
Terry says I'm beautiful! He says my smile can light up a room. He also says that despite what positive things he says that are truthful, he can't break through that negative shield that I put up when I hear those kind words. He's right and I hear him say wonderful things to me or he will sing me a tune, such as "I've had the time of my life" or some other random song and I just think he's messing with me or joking. (Saying nice things to me and not meaning them) Oh and he holds my hand, even though it gets sweaty! But I have to say that I was worried about that too!
My Gaslighter says many of the things he sees in himself. Well maybe not the boob job for himself, but you never know... Sorry I couldn't help but supress a giggle with that one for a change.
I try to walk with my head held high and a spring in my step! I know getting the reminder of the negative crap out is a work in progress. My girls have equally heard some nasty things and they are coming along so well!
Our youngest is having nightmares due to the last vistation. Our oldest is so much like him and this is good and bad. She is head strong and doesn't easily back down (read "Her Tiny Fists). But, she can be mean spirited to her sister or hit her. She has come a long way since we first left. It is amazing! I'm proud of both! But know they're journey through this is just as hard for them.
They are both still homebodies, like Dad but that is changing a bit now that they are getting more friends. With school coming up I reminded both of them to make this the year of J or the year of A! Do one afterschool group, either Student counsel or choir to meet others. Both have friends but are shy to make new ones.
J still thinks she's fat and that she's stupid. Dad used to call her that. She does realize that she is NOT the reason her Dad and I split up, he told her that if I ever left him that it would be her fault and he would never talk to her again. (Oh wouldn't that be lovely!!!!). Of course he's too much of a control freak to do that.
I tell both girls how beautiful they are. They can accomplish big things! That they are smart and will be successful! I remind them that I love them and pray for a safe life for them and for us.
I many times feel so much at peace because there is no crazy man here. There is no fear. There is no one calling us names. There is no hair pulling, no physical, verbal, emotional or mental crap. That we are survivors and they don't have to take any abuse from any man or woman. They are strong!
And we don't walk like horses... But if I did, I am reminded how noble these creatures are! So, maybe walking like a horse isn't half bad!