A little about me

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Email to Inspiring Stories Mary Kay

I am a Mom of 4 great kids. I am 40 years old, married to my husband for over 21 years.

I am a Survivor of Domestic Abuse

I met Robert when I was a high school Sophomore. At 16, the world was my oyster and I of course knew it all. At the young age I was both blinded and scared of the attention Robert was giving to me. We dated on and off, each time I would break up with him, there he would be either waiting outside my bedroom window, following me everywhere and eventually threatening to kill my sisters and parents if I didn't make up with him. I was frightened of him and believed he would follow through with his threats.

 We married, I even went back and forth with this. I cried the day I was to get married. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and I was filled with dread. Family and friends urged me to stop, but for fear of him harming everyone dear to me, I followed through. The day was horrible! I wanted to throw up. Afterwards he belittled me, I cried silently in the bathroom while friends and family celebrated.

Years later, it didn't get any better. He grew more and more abusive as time went on. Hitting, punching, raping, choking me, pulling my hair, holding knives to my throat and calling me so many vile things. After time I grew to believe everything he told me. I was worthless. Stupid. Fat. A cunt. Dumb spic. Only to be used and good on my knees. He told me no one would ever want me.  I should just go and stand in front of a bus to rid the world of my shit.

I did entertain thought of suicide, thinking that there had to be a better life or maybe he was right!
I had my place from time to time, naked on the floor at bedtime, if I disobeyed him by saying no to sex or if he just felt like I needed to be punished.  I was pushed out of his car more times then I could count. Locked outdoors in nothing but my pajamas in the winter. Oh and there is many other things this man put me and later the kids through.

We had children and though they are my blessings I felt as though I cursed them to a life of sadness and cruelty. I hoped when we had children he would change.

He didn't.

Money was a big problem, or lack there of. We fought over this tirelessly.
Sex was another problem. He was a sex addict. He cheated on me several times. We ended up swinging. I won't go into the details, but it made me feel so dirty, I would excuse myself to leave the room so he could do his thing. I would hide out in the kitchen or make up some excuse not to perform. Afterwards the encounters I was to have sex with him. He would force me to give him oral sex, even though he did not wipe himself clean after he had some woman or man. I was horrified and disgusted. I would cry in the shower, scrubbing my skin raw, I had to make sure I didn't make too much noise while I was crying, as not to draw attention to myself. I ended up with the parting gift of HSV2 from him bringing another woman into our home as his "Second wife" in title only, he wanted a Polyamory relationship. (that was in 2007)

8:00 was bedtime. Here I was over the age of 25 years old and I HAD to go to bed at 8:00. I would pay for being disobedient if I did not follow this instruction or the dozens of others he had for me. The kids could stay up until 10:00. They learned not to bother us (him) while we were in bed. They would have to have a good reason otherwise they would be in trouble.

He's abuse was not limited to me, after I left him the first time, I told him never to hit me again. He lied of course, but while I was not around he would hit the kids, pull they're hair, call them names, threaten to kill me and tell them "If Mom leaves me, it's your fault!" Something a 13 year old, 10 year old and 9 year old do not understand or need to hear. They carried alot on they're shoulders that I never knew about until after we left him. Even now it's slowly coming out. Today my now 13 year old daughter had a Anxiety attack. She is concerned that Dad will get unsupervised custody of her and her sister. (Her brother went back to Dad, he started a fire in my apartment closet and told me he would kill me while I slept if I did not take him back to his Dad).

Even after leaving him two times in 2007 the abuse did not stop. I slept with a knife under my pillow, while he slept he would kick me, push me, bite me and choke me. He claimed he never remembered doing something like that. He said if I wanted to leave him fine! I would never leave again with anything. I leave with just me. I don't get the kids and not to be surprised if I heard the kids were in an "accident" by CO2. Or he would ask me which child I wanted dead? He would kill one of them in they're sleep. Pick one, he would tell me. I stayed. I cried and I stayed.

He spanked me in front of the kids. He eventually thought it was funny to have the kids spank me. They would protest, cry and say "Stop hurting Mom". He would swing and swing, thinking it was funny. Afterwards to make up he would treat the kids to food out at McDonald's or candy. For me? He would demand sex, telling me he wouldn't do it again, only for the honeymoon period to be over after a day or week and if we were lucky a month!

My oldest daughter bravely would bring me ice for any bumps or wipe my tears or help with any bloody lips. We would panic if we heard him come back in the room or house. I'm sorry I'm jumping around there is so much to tell!

I left him 3 times and on that 3rd time I stayed gone. That was Feb 25, 2009. Though I am still trying to get divorced I still consider that my Independence Day. Each time we left he threatened to kill himself. He was admitted into the hospital psych ward 4 times. Each failed.

He hired someone to stalk me and eventually to kill me in the spring of 2009. For $5,000, this person was to murder me, take pictures of my body, bury me and to bring Robert the pictures after. Luckily, the people he asked told other family members. They gave statements to the police department. He has not been persecuted. Not enough evidence. I'm still stunned and upset by this. I have been assaulted every time he saw me in the year of 2009. I had a Order of Protection after the last attack. Of which he has violated more times then I can count. But he doesn't get more then a slap on the wrist.

My children have suffered with me. I regret not leaving him sooner. I don't regret my children but I feel very responsible for what they went through.
Like many here I  have at the time I was with him I had lost my family, my friends, my dignity and almost lost my life.

Robert still stalks me and harasses me and my new guy, Terry. Terry and I have have a 11 month old together, of which Robert and my son have stated in emails and voice messages they would harm or kill when given the chance. All of these things have fallen on deaf ears.

We have supervised visitation that was agreed to happen at Robert's Mom's house. During the calendar appointment to set up these arrangements in November 2007, Robert didn't like how things were going and he left for about 5 minutes or so. Now the funny thing is during the time he left (my partner Terry was on the other side of the courthouse and my son on another.)Terry was attacked physically by my son not even 10 minutes later after Robert left. The event was seen by the Police officers in the courthouse building. My son stated he was going to kill Terry but decided to beat him up instead. Terry did not file charges. The officers told him not to worry it was out of his hands and my son would be persecuted. My son was detained and handcuffed, not charged. Due to a mix up with the police report, Terry later found out that in the police report my son was labeled as the victim and Terry the assailant. I believe Robert planned the incident, but that is only my opinion.

During the girls last visitation on August 14th, my 13 year old daughter got into an argument with Robert. She ended up outside with her sister and brother. Robert was yelling at his Mother and his Father. This scared my 13 year old so she called the police. I was on my way to pick up the girls and found out about this from Robert's Mom, who was very upset and yelling on the phone for me to pick up the girls! I said what's going on?! She said it's Rob, they're fighting, come get the girls! I told her to call the police and she said she couldn't, pick up the girls now! And she hung up on me! I called the police and was informed my daughter was on the other line. I hung up and proceeded to get to the house.

Once I arrived, I found the girls outside, each one was upset, quiet and crying a bit. My sister in law was outside as well talking to the girls quietly. The baby had fallen asleep, I saw 5 squad cars in front of the house. I yelled for the girls but my sister in law came over to me instead of me going over. I didn't want to leave the baby alone while Robert was around. The police were detaining him inside.

My sister in law brought me up to speed. She also stated that while the girls were outside, Robert was shouting about me getting custody and saying he would do everything in his power to prevent that! Even if it meant slitting the kids throats! I was horrified! I told her to tell the police! A police man called her away and told me to take the girls home but before I left he would talk to me. He shared with me details, Robert claims our 13 year old said some "Choice words",he was just verbally disciplining her and Grandma agreed with Robert's statement. I did ask him about the threat to the girls, my sister in law and Mother in law did not tell him about that! He saw how upset I was about that, we talked a bit more and he gave me some advice. We left.

The next day I went to the police department and did receive a copy of the report, at which time I did see my sister in law and mother in law stated they heard Robert's threats. He was not charged. I did file Order of Protections for both girls! When Robert found out he was not happy. He was informed not to call, text or email me! The next day, He proceeded to call me, and I believe he made up a fake seizure for our son so he could talk to me. I did call the police again, Robert just happened to call me 2 times while the officer was there. The officer answered the second call, after trying to talk calmly to Robert, the call was getting heated on the other end! Robert was yelling at the officer! The officer told Robert he would be over to check on our son and he better answer the door! I found out later an ambulance was called, our son was OK! Robert was once again told not to call, text or email me. The officer felt that it was a medical emergency and Robert went overboard. So it does not seem that he will file charges against him.
 Oh I could go on and on with more incidents of stalking, threats, statements from friends and family about run in's with Robert. I am living in fear that my husband will harm the kids or kill Terry and our new son or me.

After over 2 1/2 years he still wants me to come back. He still signs his letters, your loving husband, Rob. And he believes everything. I don't know who else to turn to! I have tried the Prosecutor, police and State's attorney. No help, I am Pro-Se and can not afford an attorney.

Our case is well known due to Robert threatening Attorney's, the GAL on our case and even a court appointed counselor. I just want to get our story out in case something happens to me.  The last time he saw the girls unsupervised he slapped our 13 year old for not wearing a bra. He bullied and screamed at them. He told our 13 year old she was the reason we were divorcing. That it was her fault! This drove her to thoughts of suicide. She has learned that she is not to blame! This has taken time.

The girls are slowly coming out of their shells! They are not as shy or sad as they once were. They have more friends,  A and B Honor roll, and are working on rebuilding their childhood. They are still haunted by bad dreams. Due to legal rights I can not just pick up and move without notifying him where are moving. He can also protest the move. I feel stuck.

The girls are scared and do not want to see Robert, but since he is paying child support and they're biological father he has rights to see them. Our divorce case has been tied up with pre-trial after pre-trial. No finalization decree. That would help me so much with some closure! Our next court date is in Oct of this year. Again this is just  a little bit of the things that went on, there is so many more things.

1 comment:

  1. Your courage & strength are to be admired.
    I will be on WHUR-World tomorrow discussing domestic abuse. I have left details on the MBB site. ((Hugs2U))