The holidays can be a volatile time for a victim. This time of the year can be a cause for financial hardship, employment issues, and more. How can you keep yourself safe or help a loved one in an abusive situation?
If you are a family member or friend with someone in an abusive situation it can be hard to watch the roller coaster of emotions watching from the outside.
- Consider checking in with your loved one may be difficult as the abuser tries to maintain control of the victim as much as they can. They may monitor calls, texts, emails, and so on try to figure out a plan for contacting when it's safe for the victim. Think about having a code word (safe word) between the two of you in case they need you to come over, contact the police, or need to leave.
- If the victim is traveling with the abuser ask for an itinerary of how they will be traveling and where they will stay if traveling overnight.
- Consider giving or keeping a stash of money for an emergency if she needs to leave right away. This can be used for a car ride or for an overnight hotel stay.
- Check
out what available shelters are nearby if she needs to escape right
away or if it's safe to offer to let her stay with you. Time
limits should also be discussed this may seem harsh but the victim
can overstay her welcome or become dependent on you instead of
finding her path to healing.
- Know the emergency numbers for whatever area she is traveling to.
- Be on standby if needed and also take a friend or support person with you. Domestic violence is just that violent and bystanders or good Samaritans can be harmed especially if they are alone in the situation. Calling law enforcement is the best suggestion for keeping all of you safe.
- Offer to babysit. Chances are she will have appointments she needs to keep. Dropping off food, gift certificates, or making a meal for them, ask if they need you to pick something up for them or run errands they may be nervous to do.
If you are a victim much of what I covered also applies but adding a bit more information.
- Keep your important numbers on speed dial-close family/friends, 911, or co-workers.
- Have a safe word or a short phrase that you can use with someone that you trust. If something goes sideways and you need help right away this is a good way to ask for help without giving your abuser a heads up that this is what you are doing.
- Use a safety app such as Aspire App to help alert your support team. Find this in your favorite App store.
- Keep your phone charged and within reach.
- Make sure to keep money on hand just in case you need to leave in a hurry.
- Do you have a family member that you are close to that can spend the holidays with you or attend the same family function with you in case the situation becomes scary.
- Try to minimize your time alone with your abuser. Try to keep space in between you and not to get backed into a room with no escape or get backed into a corner. Know your exits. Stay away from the bathroom if possible. Many bathrooms are not always designed to have a window or they may have small windows making it hard or impossible to escape.
- If you are going to a holiday gathering find out in advance if there will be alcohol, sports/gaming, or substances available during the visit.
- Sharing your situation with a neighbor can be hard. They may already know that your relationship is volatile and want to stay out of it. But, if this person is someone you trust and they seem concerned about your welfare ask if they can do a wellness check or if you have a special bulb that's lit up in emergencies they can call for help without coming to your door and putting themselves in harm's way.
- If you are meeting your abuser for a visitation exchange contact a friend to go with you. If you can not find a friend, make sure this is done either in the daylight or in a public well-lit area. Contact your local police department and give them the "Cliff note" version of your situation and ask if they can meet for the exchange. They are happy to assist with this and will give you instructions on how to handle the situation.
Consider talking with a shelter about your situation. They may be able to put together a safety plan for you in case you need to leave right away. They also may have other resources for you to use in planning. Stay safe and know you are not alone! Check out these websites:
National Domestic Violence Hotline- https://www.thehotline.org/
Safe Horizon- https://www.safehorizon.org/
https://www.domesticshelters.org/
https://internationalwomenshouse.org/get-help
https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations
Sexual Assault Hotline- https://www.rainn.org/
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