I felt kind of dirty!

I was reading through old blogs that I started reposting on here. Many or which made me feel really dirty,repulsed and sad. It as though I was reading about someone else's life.

As you look at people around you, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. You do not know what the "Thomases or the Joneses" are going through.The ideal family picture in public can be very intense when they are at home.

That was us. As I mentioned before, we did have some good times. The kids had many experiences I will probably never know of because I was not home. I heard bits and pieces here and there. Usually when one of the girls is in meltdown mode due to a bad dream or they feel particularlly gabby about the past.

I encourage them to not talk negative about their Dad. No matter what he is their Dad. I can not tell you what is in that man's heart. Whether he actually loves them or not. My instinct tells me no, he was so quick to tell the GAL on our case he would sign over his Parental rights. Of course I know he will never do that, for several reasons:

1) To save face with family and friends

2) He wants to get even with me, so he will eventually start harming the kids in some way or form down the line

3) He is geared up for the day I am able to pay "Him" child support (I am without a job right now so that's not happening)

4) He does not want to be lonely. Not that anyone does!

I would love to say I am wrong about this. I would love to say that his bad traits (anger) are so minimal that we can just gloss them over and sweep this whole situation under the rug. Like a broken record that has a crack, our relationship can not be fixed. With his offering to me to go with him to counseling as a gesture of a marriage that is repairable. I won't go. I won't allow him to be a intimate part of my life anymore. I won't allow him to cross the line as even a friend. He lost all those privileges with his accusations of infidelity, with hateful words to me and the kids. He lost so much when I left.

Oh heavens! I'm not all that and I am not offering something made of gold. I do not mean to say I am "It". I was genuine (and still am), faithful, loving and trusting. I have no conceit or big head about my looks. I am not a trophy wife, nor do I want to be. I consider myself pretty down to earth but lacking right now alot of confidence in me. I feel as though a ton of bricks are on my shoulders right now for many reasons.

BUT not enough of a bad life that makes me want to step back into my old life. No way and no how...