Friday, April 29, 2011
No pity please
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? I don't feel very strong, though I do get that comment alot. I feel if I were stronger I would have left a long time before getting married. I don't feel very strong inside.
I can pause and not be that punching bag, not be that woman that takes insults and harbors hurt in my heart. I am getting to a point where I can feel comfortable in stating when I am upset or hurt or angry. It's not immediately, but after a few days I feel I can let go of these feelings without any regret or concern of reprecussions from what I said. Or to worry that things I said will be later thrown in my face.
I sometimes have to cringe inside when I hear people use tones that remind me of him. Or words or small things that remind me of him. I am still jumpy, I am still hesitant and cautious, I am still afraid and I am still worried about if I'm doing things wrong or correctly. I give myself a hard time if I don't remember to do things. And I believe "I" am my worst enemy now because of old habits that I try to break.
My self image is so raw and unkind. "Who I am hates who I've been" by Relient K is a song that reminds me that I might have prayed for my old sins to be gone and my sins of the past to be washed away but the things I have done still linger like my daughters stinky shoes!
Much of my day I do think about where I have been, what I did, how I could have changed it and how I am choosing not to make the same mistakes again. History does have a way of repeating, but why stay in history? Breaking free of my old life with my Gaslighter was the best thing I did for us and for me!
STBX claims I am selfish for what I have done. I don't see that, I see it as a freedom from chaos. A chance to start again with a renewed wisdom and to spread my wings to learn to fly! To do things, see things, try things I never did and not be that girl in the corner with her arms wrapped around her so tightly that I swear my circulation cut off several times. Crying until my eyes were dry and hurt. Feeling numb and trying not to throw up when my partner showed his apologizes. I don't have to live with false smiles or sadness for what I choose now. I can choose on my own, if I make the wrong decision then shame on me. I will brush myself off and get back on my path.
I can stop and smell the flowers along the way
I can stop and run off to a off the beaten track roadside attraction
I can stop and just breath while looking at the sun
I can stop and close my eyes so I can daydream
I can live as though it were the last days in my life and love as though tomorrow was never going to come.
I can laugh for no reason at all
I can find me again and learn to love me
I can find joy in silly things
I can eat a pound of chocolate if I want
I can veg out on the couch and watch old movies with a box of tissue
I can go to sleep when I want
I can go where I want and come home when I want
I can see who I want to see
I can call who I want to
I can be late without anyone accusing me of cheating
I can call a man or correspond with a man without any doubts he is just a friend
I can go to school events without being timed
I can volunteer to do whatever I like
I can use glitter!
I have the freedom I longed for
I can buy flowers for me and not worry that anyone will think they were from somebody else!
I don't have money, I don't have a stash of cash, I don't have fancy clothes or the latest gadgets (though Mr. Wonderful did give me lovely new crockpot just because!), I don't have a fancy car (technically mine died so I don't have one), I don't have new stuff and I'm happy that way.
I don't have to be bought. I love thrift stores and garage sales (which I can take my time at looking through now and don't have to hear how the other people are racing us to get to the next one)! I don't have to have the house clean top to bottom! It's been ages since I have done a whole place clean.
My first thing I did when I got my place was to mess up the shelves in the kitchen. I balled up towels, left dishes in the sink. I left things around the house messy. Ok I admit I was never the neatest person to begin with. But I don't have to do anything that sends me in a panic before my Mr. Wonderful comes home. It's a nice change of pace. If things don't get done, they don't get done, no worries and that's a wonderful thing!
No it's not perfect but I can breath so much easier then I did in the past. I have learned to let go and that it's ok if things are not done to perfection. It is what it is... My path is still before me. I can either take the road that is smooth and paved or the one that winds a bit with some potholes. I'll take that one...