A little about me

Friday, April 29, 2011

No pity please

Life is about making choices, choosing your path and climbing mountains on the road of life. We pick and choose what we want our reality to be. Choices are plentiful! Where we choose to go is totally up to us. Sometimes we are blinded by obstacles on our path, which leads us to take a different way that is not always the best way to go. Taking the long road can because it seems smoother or there aren't too many curves in the road may seem to be the best way to go. But darn those pot holes!

Looking back I see the choices I had, since this has came to be, I can see clearer. I have that old song ringing in my head right now~ I can see clearer now the rain is gone! I can see all the obstacles in my wayyyy!!! Ok, terribly off key! You get the picture. I hear alot of "I'm sorry", or "that's terrible" and that is fine, I figure people don't know exactly what to say when they hear my story. I don't want pity though, I chose my path and I knew in some ways what I was getting into. I talked my way out of leaving so many times, believing he would change and Lord knows I prayed constantly for our marriage. I do appreciate any concerns so don't get me wrong. I just don't want anyone feeling sorry for me.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? I don't feel very strong, though I do get that comment alot. I feel if I were stronger I would have left a long time before getting married. I don't feel very strong inside.

I totally blew past signs and warning lights on my path. I stubbornly pressed forward with my foot on the pedal ignoring or brushing off things that came up. I should have paused and thought more closely. If I could tell my younger self these things how would my life be? Since I can not do that and I have beautiful children, I would not do over now. Then maybe, but knowing what I know now? No. But I can change my future!

I can pause and not be that punching bag, not be that woman that takes insults and harbors hurt in my heart. I am getting to a point where I can feel comfortable in stating when I am upset or hurt or angry. It's not immediately, but after a few days I feel I can let go of these feelings without any regret or concern of reprecussions from what I said. Or to worry that things I said will be later thrown in my face.

I sometimes have to cringe inside when I hear people use tones that remind me of him. Or words or small things that remind me of him. I am still jumpy, I am still hesitant and cautious, I am still afraid and I am still worried about if I'm doing things wrong or correctly. I give myself a hard time if I don't remember to do things. And I believe "I" am my worst enemy now because of old habits that I try to break.

I am going about cleaning my house inside my brain and with my emotions, trying to find the woman I once was, knowing she is in here somewhere. She comes out every once in a while, like a timid deer that is caught in head lights. I know there is a huge part of me that just wants to be loved, not unlike more then half the population in the world. Unconditionally, no strings, just loved for me and who I am. Not trying to make me into something or someone I am not. I'm no trophy and I am very hard on myself with my looks. I don't like looking in the mirror and over the past year and a half I don't like my picture taken. I'm not sure why. I can be a total ham and goober. I critize myself way too much. I see me as he saw me.

My self image is so raw and unkind. "Who I am hates who I've been" by Relient K is a song that reminds me that I might have prayed for my old sins to be gone and my sins of the past to be washed away but the things I have done still linger like my daughters stinky shoes!

Much of my day I do think about where I have been, what I did, how I could have changed it and how I am choosing not to make the same mistakes again. History does have a way of repeating, but why stay in history? Breaking free of my old life with my Gaslighter was the best thing I did for us and for me!

STBX claims I am selfish for what I have done. I don't see that, I see it as a freedom from chaos. A chance to start again with a renewed wisdom and to spread my wings to learn to fly! To do things, see things, try things I never did and not be that girl in the corner with her arms wrapped around her so tightly that I swear my circulation cut off several times. Crying until my eyes were dry and hurt. Feeling numb and trying not to throw up when my partner showed his apologizes. I don't have to live with false smiles or sadness for what I choose now. I can choose on my own, if I make the wrong decision then shame on me. I will brush myself off and get back on my path.

I can stop and smell the flowers along the way
I can stop and run off to a off the beaten track roadside attraction
I can stop and just breath while looking at the sun
I can stop and close my eyes so I can daydream
I can live as though it were the last days in my life and love as though tomorrow was never going to come.
I can laugh for no reason at all
I can find me again and learn to love me
I can find joy in silly things
I can eat a pound of chocolate if I want
I can veg out on the couch and watch old movies with a box of tissue
I can go to sleep when I want
I can go where I want and come home when I want
I can see who I want to see
I can call who I want to
I can be late without anyone accusing me of cheating
I can call a man or correspond with a man without any doubts he is just a friend
I can go to school events without being timed
I can volunteer to do whatever I like
I can use glitter!
I have the freedom I longed for
I can buy flowers for me and not worry that anyone will think they were from somebody else!

I don't have money, I don't have a stash of cash, I don't have fancy clothes or the latest gadgets (though Mr. Wonderful did give me lovely new crockpot just because!), I don't have a fancy car (technically mine died so I don't have one), I don't have new stuff and I'm happy that way.

I don't have to be bought. I love thrift stores and garage sales (which I can take my time at looking through now and don't have to hear how the other people are racing us to get to the next one)! I don't have to have the house clean top to bottom! It's been ages since I have done a whole place clean.

My first thing I did when I got my place was to mess up the shelves in the kitchen. I balled up towels, left dishes in the sink. I left things around the house messy. Ok I admit I was never the neatest person to begin with. But I don't have to do anything that sends me in a panic before my Mr. Wonderful comes home. It's a nice change of pace. If things don't get done, they don't get done, no worries and that's a wonderful thing!

No it's not perfect but I can breath so much easier then I did in the past. I have learned to let go and that it's ok if things are not done to perfection. It is what it is... My path is still before me. I can either take the road that is smooth and paved or the one that winds a bit with some potholes. I'll take that one...

Choose your path and where you want to go. Are you happy with where the road you are on? Are you just traveling around not stopping because you don't want to make waves? Find your happiness! If you don't like the driver kick him out and drive alone! If you have mini passengers with you, think about what kind of path do you want for them? The same type of ride or can you give them a choice for a better life? One that is not filled with insecurity, fighting, hurt or sadness. Buckle up! Enjoy the ride and if you see me along the way I'm up for a good spin!

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