A little about me

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Flat and over 100,000 views!

The past few weeks have been a heart breaking. Physically all of us in our home are tired, worn out and battling with whirlwind of feelings.

Soon after the birth of my Daughter's baby she faced additional blood pressure issues causing her to be admitted into the hospital on several occasions. On the last incident a Social Worker noticed something wrong between an exchange between Jess and her partner. Whatever it was just didn't set right in her gut so she did her job and asked Jess if she felt that she and the baby were safe with her partner.

She answered truthful... No.

Jess went on to describe a few situations that red flagged her and her partner and CPS was brought in.

The roller coaster she is going through is painful to us to see her crumble under the weight of honesty. She was forced to move out of his Aunt and Uncle's home with the baby and to move back in with us. Which didn't make her a happy camper.

She had threatened suicide, lost the desire to parent the baby and did injure herself which after chatting with my Sister about how escalating this situation was, she encouraged me to call the Police/Ambulance.

I did.

She stayed in a treatment facility for 8 days and since then has had up's and down's. She is on an Antidepressant and is to see a Counselor/Psychiatrist. She and her partner both have Parenting classes, he will have Anger management classes and both have to be supervised while they are with the baby.

It makes my heart hurt for her. I don't understand most of it from the Mom angle of not wanting to parent the baby. I am an odd egg and loved being with my kids. Oh sure I had my moments of wanting some alone time but I never wanted to be away for a long period of time. So this to me is difficult. Anytime I have suffered from Depression I fought my way through it.

She isn't me and I'm not her. We are so very different. We are different on how we cope and handle situations.

I wish I could wave a wand and make any pain go away for her. All I can do is to be supportive and understanding. It is hard to be understanding when I found out they didn't use a condom. GRRFACE!

Neither are ready to be an Adult much less a Parent. They can barely take care of themselves. But this is the situation they are in. Now we figure out how to fix it.

Much of Jess's issues are from her past. She (as well as her Sister) have never dealt with the abuse issue. Now that rears it ugly head like a monster that is under a bed.

Of course this brings so much back for me.

I was questioned by the Social worker on day one of the beginning of this situation and I sounded like a robot as I mentioned that we were abuser Survivors. The Social worker picked up on it and asked why I sounded so flat and with no emotion.

My first reaction to that was anger! I had a child in the ER that was unconscious at this time after just having a seizure from Pre-Eclampsia and they were having trouble getting her BP down. I couldn't think about anything else.

This is not the first time someone has mentioned how flat or robotic my response seemed from my past.

I guess I've told our story so much and I see/hear the reactions from people I tell about our past that I am leery.

Reactions are normally-

"How could you "let" that happen to you for so long" or "I would have never stayed "that" long" or "I would have kicked his a** to the curb after the first time".

It gets frustrating. I almost feel like I'm being judged for staying as long as I did. Which brings me back to my ex saying that I must have liked him treating me this way or I wouldn't have stayed.

I am apprehensive to tell my story though in cyber land I do mention and share my story on FB and Pinterest. On social media I don't have to worry about the tone, looks or response from someone that hears I stayed.

I still feel guilty enough for making my children to endure the abuse as long as they did. Why wasn't I brave enough to leave sooner or to leave before our relationship even had kids? I do feel like someday I take 2 steps forward and 2 steps back for healing. Grateful for my support team of family and friends of course my awesome Husband!

We will have another 5 months of CPS involvement and I pray that my Daughter and partner will have enough help and encouragement to become better partners for the baby and if they continue a relationship they get the counseling needed to deal with tough situations during a relationship.

If you are new to my story and scratching your head what's up with us. Here is the mini-version.

I met him in high school. I couldn't get him to leave me alone. He threatened to kill himself, my family and later my children if I ever left him.

I believed him.

I stayed. I continued to try to leave many, many times throughout our relationship. We fought about stupid stuff constantly.

I stayed through physical, verbal, sexual and mental assaults. I had no self esteem left, I was being broke down to the point of suicide. I had done things with my abuser that made me feel dirty.

We were swingers in which I had several lesbian encounters.
I was required to sit at his feet like a dog. He enjoyed BDSM but I learned later there is a healthy respect between the partners and everything he did was not!
He was a sex addict which meant I had to be ready 24/7 for relations. I could count on 2 hands how many times I didn't have to have sex with him. And that did not make him happy!
He sought the elusive Polyamory relationship, which did happen for a short period of time.
I bathed him.
I dressed him. (I warmed his boots for him in the winter and laced them for him all the time)
I started his car for him in the dead of winter. And loaded it.
I warmed his plate for meals, warm food would hit the wall, floor or would be tossed in trash.
I did everything you could think of for him.
I would have to scratch his back for hours at night until he fell asleep.
I felt like a hostage.
I felt like a whore.

I felt unclean. After the sexual encounters I would scrub myself as clean as I could, rubbing my skin until it hurt and was bright pink almost raw.

I felt like a failure as a Christian,as a wife and mother.

I envisioned killing myself and my family to escape. I had thoughts of killing my abuser and towards the end I slept with a knife under my side of the bed because I was worried about him killing me. As time progressed it was building to the point where I felt I would not survive the end of 2009. I had a dear friend advise me she could see that I wouldn't live much longer due to how volatile my situation was becoming.

I had to leave, though he reminded me I wouldn't have money, no health insurance, no place to live and that he would hunt me down.

I left the first time in 2007, staying on 2 separate incidents in Women's shelter. After the urging of my then mom-in-law to get back with him because he changed, I did.

In 2008, things were starting to go crazy again. By the end of 2008 I knew I had to go, Chatting with my Friend, Kristy Robinett, gave me courage to take steps to leave. I enlisted my family to help and they were more then willing to help!

I left for the final time in 2009.

During that time, there were deep cracks in the average joe facade that my abuser tried to keep. He hired a guy to follow me, take pictures of me and to report back his findings. All the while continuing to stalk me via the web, phone and in person.

I had protective order after protective order. All would be broken but nothing more then a slap on the wrist ever happened.

I found out in the summer months of 2009 he hired several men to kill me for money. He provided them with a camera, shovel and he wanted a few thousand dollars with more to be paid when the deed was done.

My Nephew came forward bravely to my abusers Sister, whom then let me know about it. I called the police. They investigated but found the men that were hired had shady pasts so they were not credible, therefore there was no case.

My Eldest Son attempted to set fire to my apartment and advised me he was going to kill me as I slept and he demanded I take him back to his dad.

I did. I was devastated. That was a deep blow to my heart. Any contact with him has been hostile towards me.

I suffered a few more physical attacks from my abuser towards the fall of 2009.

I felt lost.

The legal system didn't seem fair. It felt like I was the abuser and he was the victim.

We were finalized for our divorce in 2012. In 2013, my Daughter's partner advised that Jess had told him she was sodomized by her Father when she was young. Sadly, after contacting the police I found out that too much time had went by to press charges. Though it took every ounce of power not to go and just, I don't know beat him or just put a hole in his head.

I had a Protective Order placed last summer (2015) after he sent threatening emails, texts and voicemail's. All the while proclaiming his love for me. The sad thing is he was engaged to woman during this time. He said he would leave her in a second if I came back. I tried to reach out to this woman but never heard from her.

He did end up marrying her during the summer of 2015. I wish them the best. Any correspondence I have had with her has been one of someone in denial or that is perhaps she just can't see. I have heard from family and friends that maintains contact with them is that he treats her publicly just he did with me.

My last Protective Order expired this summer.

He still tries to bully and intimidate friends and family that maintain contact with me. Why does this not surprise me.

I originally started this blog as a way of healing my spirit. I felt broken. I had cried out to the Lord so many times for help and I felt like I was lost along the way.

I know now he never left my side. I'm still not sure what lessons I was to learn along the way, but I can say that my faith was strengthen.

I could have blamed God for the suffering my children endured or myself for that matter. I didn't.

We all have choices in life, sometimes the choices we make can build us up or break us down.

I was asked sometime ago if I would do it over again knowing what I know now. I still have to say yes. My life now is so very different! I have a will to keep living. I have a beautiful family and met oodles of people along this path that I wouldn't have known otherwise.

It's made me fall to my knees and ask for forgiveness for things I had down during my marriage. During my relationship with my abuser I only shared my situation with a handful of people. Today, I have over 100,000+ views of this blog. I am by no means gloating or dropping high fives about that fact.

It saddens me to know that others are still experiencing abuse. And humbles me that someone is actually reading my rantings.

So, Dear Blog reader, if you are in a abusive relationship please know you are not alone. Talk to a close Friend or reach out to a local Shelter or http://www.thehotline.org/ for help. I've been where you are and know there can be life after an abusive relationship. It's not easy to escape and staying safe for months or years to come can be hard. Don't let this discourage you! I want you to be free, happy and to be able to love yourself again!

Please look at my posts for Safety plan and Check list for leaving your abuser for suggestions to help you before you leave.

Stay safe and God bless


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