Mediation revisited 2

Got the call last week about the date for Mediation. I am going with a bit of worry for a few reasons:

1) I am apprehensive to be in such close quarters with this man. The idea that only 2 other women will be in the room with me is little comfort. I had mentioned before chance he had at putting his hands on me he has. What about after I leave the building?

2) I don't want to be saddled with his bills! I spoke briefly with the Mediator and she advised me to bring bills relevant to our marriage. HUMPH! We filed bankruptcy, the man decided "ON HIS OWN" to reaffirm on the house. Then he lost it to the bank after he decided that he did not want me to get "Half" of it. I was supposed to file a Quick Claim but my lawyer at the time, in his infinite wisdom, wanted to wait until we were at our final hearing. Real smooth since we are not any closer to finalizing and the house has already been with the Sheriff for sale. GRRFACE! I do not want to pay any of his bills!

I was reminded in order to make this process go smoothly I needed to be a team player in order for this to work. HUH?! Was I not a "team player" anytime he told me not to tell anyone about this act of violence or that act of violence against me? Was I not a "team player" when I kept quiet for over 20 years? So now once again I am asked to play nice, keep my mouth shut, nod and get this thing over with.

Perhaps I am just being moody. I'm so done with this divorce! A few weeks back he texted me about how much he still prays we will get back together. That he doesn't want the divorce, but since this is what I want he will do so. He will always be my adoring husband and he still wants us to be man and wife.

The thought repulses me! The idea of going back to crazy is not on my list of things to do with the reminder of my life. Picking up what is left of any dignity I have is a big part of moving on and beginning anew.

I don't have many reminders about the apartment of our marriage. And a small handful of things I have given away. They hurt too much to keep staring at. They are a reminder of too many years of turmoil. Never knowing if I was going insane, questioning to the Lord and a few close friends/family if what we have is "normal" and trying to survive.

People do the darnedest things to survive. You will say what you have to in a nasty situation. You beg, you cry, you will do anything just to stop the madness. Even if it is so low or shameful you live with regrets down the road.

So with mediation coming up on the 9th. I'm not looking forward to facing my Gaslighter. He stole so many years from me and the kids. So much happiness and what could have been's. And all for what? For control. For fear. For his view of love. For nothing.