Over the past week I have seen several TV shows that I just can't bring myself to watch anymore. Like House, The Simpson's, Family Guy, South Park, and a few more. The first reason I don't watch some of these shows is I find them distasteful and just wrong. Oh I have laughed and then feel terribly stupid for it later. Good clean entertainment, nah! Not so much. Second, we "HAD" to watch them. Any talking during these shows would be bad for you! The house remained quiet and still. Nervous laughing during jokes on the shows, while looking at his reaction to see if it's too loud a laugh or if it was ok to laugh.
This is just the tip of the iceberg for me of things I won't watch or do because they remind me of him.
I dislike Febreze. I can't stand the smell. To the point it makes me sick to my stomach. I bought garbage bags a few weeks back. "A" has garbage duty and she changed the bag and I smelled an all too familiar. I actually panicked. I figured it out what it was and felt so dumb for my emotions as well for the mini freakout.
I don't eat stuffed pizza, go to Pepe's, like onion rings or listen to various music because they remind me too much of him. It is almost aggravating to me that I react the way I do! Sometimes Terry/or someone else says something in a tone or in a statement that reminds me of R and I have to breath slowly. I reply, "Ok R!" Or "Thanks R". This is to let the person know that they maybe a little too close for comfort with whatever.
Things I do that I know annoyed him are:
Shop at Target!
Eat at a resturant
Laugh and be silly in public
Go where I want and when I want
Leave the TV off
Rent movies all the time! :)
I wake up in the middle of the night if I can't sleep and watch TV late night!
I have left my shoes on in the house!
Oh my gosh the list of things is endless!
It takes time to let go of these traits I have learned. Learning to trust, to feel safe, to love, to feel happiness and not worry about what comes out of my mouth.