Thankful but falling apart

Happy Thanksgiving! Oh there is so much to say but I can't right now.

I can't help but feel as though I am falling apart at the seams. Even years later I can not handle any kind of confrontation without feeling as though I am a failure, stupid or an idiot. Small critisms cave my spirit in so much that I have been a bundle of tears and confusion lately. So much so I  even had a small thought in my head just to end it all for me. This is not the first time I have entertained these thoughts over the years, knowing well enough that my beliefs of it being a sin are so strong. Yet, I have felt so defeated and tired of it all.

I pause and look at my kids. That brings me back to reality.

If I did something foolish they would go back to Crazy Man. Of course the baby would stay with Terry, but the girls...

Then I think about how selfish I'm being. Poor me! Poor me! Buck up Girl, you have come this far!

I had many people in the past and present mention they were envious of me or jealous.

I scratch my head and wonder why?

My past life in my roller coaster of a marriage was marked with havoc and secrets. A false smile plastered on my face when Crazy Man was around. Pretending to love the man whom over the years I had secretly despised. Hating to go home. Not knowing what would be around the corner when I got home or while I was sleeping would he choke me or smother me with his pillow.

Our private life was a mess.

The life presently has been much better by leaps and bounds yet there is still quite a bit of drama ranging from death threats, continued stalking and harassment via text, emails or on an occassion a phone call.

I feel defeated in so many ways. I had a fantasy that once I left him all would well. We wouldn't see him again.

Fantasy can be nice, but the reality of the matter is he will continue to be a thorn in my side for a long time. His continued obession with me coming back to him is even crazier then my fantasy of never seeing him again.

The nightmares, panic attacks, bouts of crying are all things that still haunt me. A past I can't seem to shake and that it's claws dug pretty deep with no intentions of departing from my memories anytime soon.

I have issues with my older daughter. She is so much like her dad that it's scary. I've discussed this with the new GAL and hope to glean more tactics on nipping that in the bud!

I can't understand why anyone would be jealous or envious of my life or me.