Intution plays a vital part in our daily lives, sometimes it comes on strong, other times you just blow it off for whatever the reason. I have heard that babies and animals have a good sense of judgement when it comes to meeting a person for the first time. I try not to judge a book by it's cover but in rare times it is hard to put my finger on just what bothers me about someone.
Now why am I ranting about this? Looking back when I met my STBX there were warning signs and I did see them. He would follow me on my way home, he would sit parked at my house (I was 16 and living with my parents) and just watch the house. He called me constantly and did he put up a stink when my parents, sister and I went to a trip to TN. Oh he called me on our trip to make sure I wasn't fool around with anyone. I broke up with him more times then I could count. He was like a bad penny and he kept coming back. Each time making me feel terrible that I was breaking it off. Yet, part of me wanted him gone another part of me felt so sorry for him...
We married with those warning bells still ringing in my brain! I broke off our engagement prior to this about 6 times or so. Each time I hesitated to take him back but I did... On my wedding day I longed for someone to take me away. STBX had reminded me about how much his parents helped and it would devastate them if I cancelled the wedding. I went through with it with heavy heart. My wedding day was horrible! I pasted a smile on my face and wanted to run. He was plastered to my side the whole time, he made it pretty miserable. I couldn't dance with anyone that wasn't younger or my age. I danced with only family or older friends. That was ok but the point of the wedding was supposed to be a celebration. I felt like I was standing in line for a shot in the arm.
Years passed, my gut still heavy and pressuring me. I checked into apartments after our first year anniversary. I wanted out so badly! He was terrible, checking on me when he could at work, getting mad if I missed the train, because I must be cheating! Oh the list goes on and on.
I had a gut reaction, my heart felt sorry for him and I should have trusted myself more. I did not make this mistake again! Go with your instincts. Trust them! Listen to those warning bells that go off in your head they could save your life!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Notes to my children
Why I left your Father. I didn’t do it to hurt you. I didn’t do it out of spite or to be mean. I didn’t do it to make your Dad sad. I do not hate your Father and please don’t think it’s because of anything you did! It’s not because of you!
I left your Dad because of what I saw him do to you. I saw your Dad hurt you too many times. I saw him make your cry and he told you many lies.
He lied to you when he called you fat. You are beautiful!
He lied to you when he said you were stupid and a dumb ass. Your brains surpass ours! You are very smart!
He lied to you when he said I didn’t care about you. I love you with all my heart! There is not a think I would not do for you!
It tore me apart to watch your eyes fill with tears as he hurt your feelings bit by bit with words and when he put his hands on you.
I am sorry I didn’t always protect you. I am sorry I wasn’t always there to step in between and protect you.
I left your Dad because of so many times he hurt you and me. To hear of him pulling your hair, slapping your face, chocking you or beating you for some reason that wasn’t really your fault. He was just having a bad day and took it out on someone and sometimes that was you.
I left your Dad to free you from further pain and hurts. I didn’t want him to keep threatening to kill you or to hurt you again. Or to hurt you because he was angry at Mommy.
I left your Dad so you can learn how to be normal and free.
I left your Dad so you can learn to love and that learn that love doesn’t hurt! And it’s not right to hurt the person you love with words or fists!
I left your Dad so you can learn and know that our marriage wasn’t a typical marriage, that people that are married or in love don’t do those mean things to one another or their children!
I left your Dad so you wouldn’t have to see him spank me. That’s not what a Dad is supposed to do!
I left your Dad so you wouldn’t be scared he would kill or hurt Mommy if you didn’t act right or didn’t listen to him.
I didn’t leave your Dad because of you! I left your Dad for you! I left him because I love you!
Love,
Mom
12/22/2009
WOW! That was ME!
I admit that I am a complete Blog Junky, I must be I have 2! One is about normal daily things or crafts or a random recipe. Then there is this one... It is like a skeleton in the closet. Sometimes you meet people and they say something nice and I can't help but think, if you only knew the me that was almost 2 years ago. What would you think of that lady if you knew me then? Or if you found out the things I have in this blog.
It has taken alot for me to like me! In past blogs I reference this, it is still hard to like me. To think of me in anything worthy. That is what Family/Domestic violence has done to me and my girls. My oldest daughter is just coming into her own, she is 12 years old. Growing into a lovely young lady but if you knew her almost 2 years ago you wouldn't think of her the way she is. Oh sure privately kids are always a handful. But in public she would hide, actually all my kids were that way. They were so torn down by words that my STBX has engrained in their minds.
You hear nasty words so often you believe them! I marvel at the change in us ladies since we have been gone. Our 2 year Independence day is next month on the 25th! That was a life changing moment!
I cruise around various blogs, websites and while visiting the Domestic Violence group on cafemom.com I was in awe at the thread that asked if you have custody of your children. Now I was feeling like I was the only one right now that is without one of my children. My son, 15 years old. I dropped him back off at his dad's the day he set fire in my apartment and threatened to kill me while I was sleeping. He said he would continue to harm me or do bad things until I took him to his dad's. So I did... That was the hardest thing I had to do. I thought leaving was hard! Boy that was so hard!
The women on that thread reminded me I was not alone and that so many of the story's of abuse sounded so like mine that I couldn't help thinking WOW! That was me! I wondered if these Abuser's read the same playbook on victimizing their loved ones. It is appalling and so sad at how many are being abused. It is equally sad and appalling at how our legal system seems to overlook or not care.
Our divorce is being continued over and over. I wanted a quick divorce.I did not want the house. I did not want the pension or the car or his savings. Heck, I left my wedding ring and some other pricey jewelry. Bad karma! I wanted to make a clean break of my marriage. I did have clothes and some other things I squirreled away. Much of which STBX stole from my apartment and later he destroyed or sold the items.
I feel a strange feeling of friendship and almost a kinship towards others like me. We survived! I am over coming and I am free...Tuesday, January 25, 2011
My son remembered...
3/2009- I am reposting these entries for several reasons! For one, to reach out to someone in need, someone that maybe deciding to move on in their life and survive! My hope is that you take yourself out of the relationship in one piece all the other things you are leaving behind can be replaced! You can not! And if you factor in children they need you! They don't need just your memory, right now they need you...
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M remembered...
This morning, M remembered many things, I've been asking the kids to share their memories, feelings and so on with me. Even if they just want to jot them down that's cool. I need to get them to counseling. When we were in Indiana we were on a waiting list as long as my arm. Since we still have coverage I'll attempt to find a counselor around here. You would think that would be easy. In my experience finding a counselor that specializes in children is hard. My sister mentioned that the local college may have something to offer so I plan on checking that out today.
M remembered his Father constantly calling me, always asking if I loved him and the result if I didn't give him the right answer, he remembered us not being allowed out past dark, he remembers being afraid when his Dad was home. Feeling like he couldn't do anything right and despite trying his hardest everything was always wrong. The girls chimed in as well with similar memories and similar feelings. It's going to be a long road, but they are still young enough that this can be repaired!
As for me let the deprogramming begin! When you are in a relationship with someone in a cycle of abuse you tend to be a co-deoendent. Just as in alcoholism, drug abuse, you fall into a very similar pattern. It was hard not to jump everytime my cell phone rang, it was hard not to return his calls and it was hard not to read the rantings he's posting on Myspace. Both my sister and a special friend recognize that it's not healthy to keep feeding fuel into the fire. Mandy took away my cell phone, and my friend suggested someone else view his blogs and to keep us updated if something is important.
Most important is to heal the kids and to heal myself. I've got to say that I am very blessed with a wonderful support system of people that love us! Positive loved ones that guard us like fierce Mama and Papa bears! It has been encouraging for us to keep pushing and striving forward. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off ourselves.
Things we need to work on are-
Our insecurities about loving others, the kids feel cautious about new people in our life. Understandably they don't want to get hurt physically or emotionally again.
Self esteem issues-
When you feel as though you have been pushed down constantly it's hard not to believe that you are a worthy person. I have always told the kids that they are beautiful, worthy of love and a rich life filled with happiness and joy. It's still hard to believe that when someon is putting you down. I know myself I have issues with this. He would tell the kids they were stupid, idiots, never going to amount to anything, or my favorite they will end up like their mother. There for awhile I felt so low! I didn't understand why.
I was on Zoloft for a time in 07 and 08. I was pushed and put down so much I have to admit that I did feel suicidal. R constantly told me I was such a perfect bitch that never did wrong. Funny he was a contradicted himself so many times, one minute I could not do anything right the next I was perfect. One particular time he pushed me out the doorway, with me hanging onto the door jam fingers dug into the wood, I have a mark on my back that is a reminder from the door frame scrapping against my bra and back. I remember him screaming and yelling at me telling me what a horrible mom and wife I was. He yelled at me to go walk in front of a truck, that I was worthless and a lousy person. He told me I couldn't do anything right, I couldn't even *uck. And I only good on my knees and that I even was lousy at that. I could see the kids in the background crying, J was wanting to go to me but M held her back they were all crying. A was whimpering on the stairs. Just in the blink of an eye I was shoved out the door. He bent my fingers backwards to get me out of the door, I was banging on the door crying, it was raining and cold. I had no shoes on, no coat, I was out in jeans and a shirt. I had no phone, no money and I would be damned if I was going to leave my kids in there with him! I headed to the car and was grateful that I had left the van unlocked and my spare set of keys in there as well. I'm very forgetful at times but thank goodness this was one of those times.
My body hurt all over, my back felt as though it was on fire in the area of the scrape. My neck hurt as he placed me in a head lock, I noticed my lip was a little tore. I don't remember that! It seemed to happen so quickly. I crept in quietly I was so cold! The house was quiet. He turned off all the lights, the dog was even hiding! The poor dog was terrified of him!
I walked up the stairs and the bedroom door was closed, I walked as quietly as I could to the kids rooms, the girls were still up crying and they got more upset as I walked to them. He had told them I wasn't their Mom anymore and I was going to kill myself. And if they talked to me he wouldn't talk to them again. He told them I was abandoning them and didn't want them.
I held them and kissed them, gently telling them to keep quiet and try to calm down. Mom's not going anywhere without them! I went to M's room and he was equally upset but he didn't want me to get into anymore trouble so I kissed him and went to open our bedroom door.
R was on his side. I knew he wasn't asleep. As soon as he spoke I jumped about 5 ft in the air! He was so calm, he asked if I was ok, he asked me why did I drive him to do these things? Why I just couldn't love him and get along. That he would take care of me and make me a trophy wife. He said many women would love to be treated like the queen he was treating me as. I couldn't help but feel so knotted up inside. I just wanted to take the kids and run. I didn't. I stayed longer, this was in I'm thinking March of last year. I remember there was still some snow on the ground.
I wasn't thinking right, I knew in my heart I wanted to leave. But he was so convincing. He ran my shower and said no one will love you like I do. No one will want you and no one will ever treat you as good as I do. Inwardly I laughed but at the same time I thought I was losing my mind. How can this be?
He gave me my last Zoloft as the next day I didn't take anymore. I couldn't take those pills anymore, I needed my facilties to be on the ball. I didn't want to remain married. Situations like this went on and on for months. I would tell him I wanted out and the outcome would be bad. I stayed, I planned, I worked out things in my head to leave. I couldn't keep the kids in this house! I wanted out even more! I was so tired and worn out. I had prayed for years for my husband to turn himself around. But he never was able to completely do so. He needed help that I couldn't give him, he needed help that I couldn't force him to get and I needed out. I couldn't stay and my love for him had long ago vanished.
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M remembered...
This morning, M remembered many things, I've been asking the kids to share their memories, feelings and so on with me. Even if they just want to jot them down that's cool. I need to get them to counseling. When we were in Indiana we were on a waiting list as long as my arm. Since we still have coverage I'll attempt to find a counselor around here. You would think that would be easy. In my experience finding a counselor that specializes in children is hard. My sister mentioned that the local college may have something to offer so I plan on checking that out today.
M remembered his Father constantly calling me, always asking if I loved him and the result if I didn't give him the right answer, he remembered us not being allowed out past dark, he remembers being afraid when his Dad was home. Feeling like he couldn't do anything right and despite trying his hardest everything was always wrong. The girls chimed in as well with similar memories and similar feelings. It's going to be a long road, but they are still young enough that this can be repaired!
As for me let the deprogramming begin! When you are in a relationship with someone in a cycle of abuse you tend to be a co-deoendent. Just as in alcoholism, drug abuse, you fall into a very similar pattern. It was hard not to jump everytime my cell phone rang, it was hard not to return his calls and it was hard not to read the rantings he's posting on Myspace. Both my sister and a special friend recognize that it's not healthy to keep feeding fuel into the fire. Mandy took away my cell phone, and my friend suggested someone else view his blogs and to keep us updated if something is important.
Most important is to heal the kids and to heal myself. I've got to say that I am very blessed with a wonderful support system of people that love us! Positive loved ones that guard us like fierce Mama and Papa bears! It has been encouraging for us to keep pushing and striving forward. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off ourselves.
Things we need to work on are-
Our insecurities about loving others, the kids feel cautious about new people in our life. Understandably they don't want to get hurt physically or emotionally again.
Self esteem issues-
When you feel as though you have been pushed down constantly it's hard not to believe that you are a worthy person. I have always told the kids that they are beautiful, worthy of love and a rich life filled with happiness and joy. It's still hard to believe that when someon is putting you down. I know myself I have issues with this. He would tell the kids they were stupid, idiots, never going to amount to anything, or my favorite they will end up like their mother. There for awhile I felt so low! I didn't understand why.
I was on Zoloft for a time in 07 and 08. I was pushed and put down so much I have to admit that I did feel suicidal. R constantly told me I was such a perfect bitch that never did wrong. Funny he was a contradicted himself so many times, one minute I could not do anything right the next I was perfect. One particular time he pushed me out the doorway, with me hanging onto the door jam fingers dug into the wood, I have a mark on my back that is a reminder from the door frame scrapping against my bra and back. I remember him screaming and yelling at me telling me what a horrible mom and wife I was. He yelled at me to go walk in front of a truck, that I was worthless and a lousy person. He told me I couldn't do anything right, I couldn't even *uck. And I only good on my knees and that I even was lousy at that. I could see the kids in the background crying, J was wanting to go to me but M held her back they were all crying. A was whimpering on the stairs. Just in the blink of an eye I was shoved out the door. He bent my fingers backwards to get me out of the door, I was banging on the door crying, it was raining and cold. I had no shoes on, no coat, I was out in jeans and a shirt. I had no phone, no money and I would be damned if I was going to leave my kids in there with him! I headed to the car and was grateful that I had left the van unlocked and my spare set of keys in there as well. I'm very forgetful at times but thank goodness this was one of those times.
My body hurt all over, my back felt as though it was on fire in the area of the scrape. My neck hurt as he placed me in a head lock, I noticed my lip was a little tore. I don't remember that! It seemed to happen so quickly. I crept in quietly I was so cold! The house was quiet. He turned off all the lights, the dog was even hiding! The poor dog was terrified of him!
I walked up the stairs and the bedroom door was closed, I walked as quietly as I could to the kids rooms, the girls were still up crying and they got more upset as I walked to them. He had told them I wasn't their Mom anymore and I was going to kill myself. And if they talked to me he wouldn't talk to them again. He told them I was abandoning them and didn't want them.
I held them and kissed them, gently telling them to keep quiet and try to calm down. Mom's not going anywhere without them! I went to M's room and he was equally upset but he didn't want me to get into anymore trouble so I kissed him and went to open our bedroom door.
R was on his side. I knew he wasn't asleep. As soon as he spoke I jumped about 5 ft in the air! He was so calm, he asked if I was ok, he asked me why did I drive him to do these things? Why I just couldn't love him and get along. That he would take care of me and make me a trophy wife. He said many women would love to be treated like the queen he was treating me as. I couldn't help but feel so knotted up inside. I just wanted to take the kids and run. I didn't. I stayed longer, this was in I'm thinking March of last year. I remember there was still some snow on the ground.
I wasn't thinking right, I knew in my heart I wanted to leave. But he was so convincing. He ran my shower and said no one will love you like I do. No one will want you and no one will ever treat you as good as I do. Inwardly I laughed but at the same time I thought I was losing my mind. How can this be?
He gave me my last Zoloft as the next day I didn't take anymore. I couldn't take those pills anymore, I needed my facilties to be on the ball. I didn't want to remain married. Situations like this went on and on for months. I would tell him I wanted out and the outcome would be bad. I stayed, I planned, I worked out things in my head to leave. I couldn't keep the kids in this house! I wanted out even more! I was so tired and worn out. I had prayed for years for my husband to turn himself around. But he never was able to completely do so. He needed help that I couldn't give him, he needed help that I couldn't force him to get and I needed out. I couldn't stay and my love for him had long ago vanished.
Thinking positive about my STBX...
I do not like to bad mouth my STBX in front of the kiddos. It's not right, even though I could and have to bite my tongue. I feel that I should not sink to his level. Terry had a great idea! He was amazed at the amount of bad things or memories we have. He told the girls to think of positive things about their Dad. Ok, if they can do it, I can suck it up and think about it for a bit and join in!
I thought, and thought and thought and thought.. Everytime I recalled a positive there was a negative. You see, I am sure you know people that are like this, someone that will give you the shirt off they're back but then turn around and make sure you don't forget they did something nice for you or they expect you to be at their beck and call! That's my STBX! I tried! I really did! I came up in the end with nothing. It's sad and pitiful in a way. I will still encourage the girls to find something positive, but as for me it doesn't seem to be happening.
I thought, and thought and thought and thought.. Everytime I recalled a positive there was a negative. You see, I am sure you know people that are like this, someone that will give you the shirt off they're back but then turn around and make sure you don't forget they did something nice for you or they expect you to be at their beck and call! That's my STBX! I tried! I really did! I came up in the end with nothing. It's sad and pitiful in a way. I will still encourage the girls to find something positive, but as for me it doesn't seem to be happening.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Meeting time!
The GAL came and went! He talked to Terry and I for a brief second, coo'd at the baby and asked for the girls. Once they came out all 3 of them walked to the girls room to talk. I believe they talked for about a half hour or so. And then he left, letting us know he planned to stop by STBX's unannounced, we exchanged Good-bye's, that was it!
Terry and I were left hanging about what is going to happen next. The GAL did say on his way out that his recommendations still stand. Of course I recall him stating at the last Wellness hearing that the girls are to stay with me and our son with his father.
It's been nice and quiet and I can not wait for this to be over with! It has been super stressful and heartbreaking to see the kids going through this. The nightmares and memories from the past have haunted all of us here! God love Terry for his patience and warm heart. He has held me on more then one occassion as I have fallen apart from some bad dream, panic attack or crying fit.
So now we wait, I wait to hear about Legal Aid and if the Emergency court date is accepted!
Terry and I were left hanging about what is going to happen next. The GAL did say on his way out that his recommendations still stand. Of course I recall him stating at the last Wellness hearing that the girls are to stay with me and our son with his father.
It's been nice and quiet and I can not wait for this to be over with! It has been super stressful and heartbreaking to see the kids going through this. The nightmares and memories from the past have haunted all of us here! God love Terry for his patience and warm heart. He has held me on more then one occassion as I have fallen apart from some bad dream, panic attack or crying fit.
So now we wait, I wait to hear about Legal Aid and if the Emergency court date is accepted!
Friday, January 14, 2011
A note to the GAL...
A note sent from my sister in law to the GAL. Names have been changed for legal purposes...
GAL,
My name is S. I am the sister of R and the Aunt of M, J and A. Many months ago I was asked to contact you on the behalf of the children, but all of my attempts went unanswered. I figured that meant you didn't need my input. Well, I have just heard that you are siding with R in this matter and was forced to write to you, whether or not you want to read it.
Where shall I start? R is four years younger than I am and nine years younger that my sister. When did I learn that there was something wrong with him? One day we were rough playing in the back yard as children will. He was no more that 5. I usually let him win at most everything, but that day he landed flat on his back and got the wind knocked out of him. His eyes got big as he was clearly terrified. When he could breathe again he told me that if I ever did anything like that to him again, they would never find my body. Yes, I said he was 5. That was when it all started. Perhaps sooner, but being just a kid, maybe I didn't see it before that. A short time later, when R started going to school for the whole day, our mother got a job. As a result, we were left alone at home in the afternoons until our dad came home. (He was a tradesman and started very early and as a result was home first.) That hour or so became the most horrific time in my life. Especially once he started to get bigger than me. For years he would torment me. It was verbal at first, but the bigger he got, the bolder he got. Soon the violence began. His favorite trick was to take something that he knew I held dear and throw it out into the three feet of snow in the front yard. As soon as I ran out after it, he would lock me out. No shoes, no coat. Luckily for me we had a VERY nice elderly couple for neighbors and she always let me stay with her.
Where was our sister in all of this? Well she was older. She got a job downtown as part of a work study program when she was 16 (that makes me 11 and Rob 7). After that she was never really around.
I don't know if you have any siblings, but I loved my brother and hated him at the same time. That ended the day he escalated to weapons. When I came out of my room before our parents were home, he chased me around the house with knives. Big sharp ones. That was the day I stopped being conflicted.
Where were our parents? They didn't believe me. Until some years later when he got bolder. My Grandmother lived with us for a time and he even got brazen enough to hit on her! Once I remember my Dad chasing him because he deserves a good smack. Don't think he caught him though. Mom still didn't really believe. Now a days she says she believes, but he is always gonna be her little baby boy.
When he learned to drive, he would go around terrorizing the neighborhood. One day, someone had just gotten a new appliance so the giant box was sitting on the curb for trash day. He plowed right into it deliberately. He did not know that the homeowner had put the old appliance in the box and it became a several hundred pound projectile and nearly killed the kid playing in his own yard. R thought that was hysterically funny. So my parents took his car away and hid it on him. Then out came the Hyde in him. Swearing, threatening, destroying, hitting, and on and on. One time he was so bad, that I had to call my Uncle (federal special agent) to come over. R was pretty big at the time, but he got put down and cuffed by his own uncle!
Now R could turn on the charm better than any psychopath ever. He got himself a young girlfriend who wanted out of her own bad situation. When exactly he began to show her the other side I do not know. But I know what followed. Verbal and physical abuse to his wife and then eventually to the children. Before they were married, my mother, sister and I all sat Melinda down and tried to tell her what he was like. In the end, she said that she understood, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Now ask her about that day and she has a very different opinion.
For the details on what happened in his house to his family, you should talk to Melinda. But I can hit some of the highlights over the years.
He felt a transit bus cut him off in traffic so he came screaming around and cut the bus off so that it had to stop and then he got out with a hammer or tire iron or something like that, and smashed in the door of the bus while screaming at the driver and ordering him to come out so he could beat him up. Luckily the cops were able to take him away first.
That was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to his seething rage.
R has always felt that he was entitled to anything he wanted and the world and everyone in it owes him something. After he got married, they stayed with my parents for quite a while because he had made my parents give him the down payment on a house. He then tore the house to pieces and practically gutted the entire thing. God only know how much my parents had to pay to get it back into a livable condition. (More on his intense love for destruction, especially of houses, later if you would like to know.) He would also break into my parents house any time he wanted and steal tools from my Dad and food and whatever else he decided was his. So much so that when my parents finally got up the nerve to say something about it, he did this great "You never loved me or wanted me to have anything" episode where he brought back to them so much stuff that he had stolen that it filled one side of a two car garage. And he did that so that they would then have to move everything before they could park there. That was a pretty big project for them at the time as they were getting on a bit. Please feel free to have a chat with my parents about any and all of this. But I digress...
For years Melinda had tried to get up the courage to take the kids and leave him to stop all of the insanity, but it took her a while. When she finally did, my parents and I were VERY supportive of her. We helped her all we could. Unfortunately she ended up going back that first time. In order to coax her into returning, R checked himself into a psychiatric facility for evaluation. After a few days, they called me to discuss his condition. They said that R had told them to talk to me because I don't take or give any bullshit. I found that strange, but while I was talking to them I asked if they knew that everything he said was calculated to some end of his own devices. They told me that he wasn't fooling them even a little bit because they were experts on people that only say what they think the doctors want to hear. I then asked if it would be alright for them to tell me with what they had diagnosed him. They said sure, I was immediate family and she started rattling off a list of disorders, syndromes and tendencies so long that I couldn't keep up when writing them down. After the first 5 or so I just listened with my mouth hanging open. You should try to get a look at those records.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention the religious fanaticism he apparently "found" while he was in the hospital. Suddenly he starts rambling on how God is now talking to him directly and telling him what to do and what will happen. He took to typing out dozens of pages of ranting with religion, profanity and rage all rolled up into one. I have a copy of some of them if you would like to see them.
When he left that facility, it was with a prescription for meds to help with his manic - depression and bi-polar diagnoses. He took the pills for a little while and then stopped because they interfered with his ability to have sex three times a day. Soon everything was back to as bad as ever.
After some time, she tried to leave with the kids again. Well, let's just say that the third time was the one that stuck. She had all three kids and they were very relieved to be away from him and everything he put them through on a daily basis.
Now came summer vacation and she took the kids back to his house during the days when she worked because there were other kids and a yard there. She came for them at night to take them home. That clearly indicated to us that a reasonable custody/visitation schedule could be reached. R took this opportunity to do as much damage and brain washing as he could. A is young and everyone who knows her will tell you that she is in her own little world, but it is OK because they know her there. J sees the unvarnished world through the skeptical eyes of a middle child. She has always been very aware of everything that goes on around her and is forever trying to keep the peace. But then there is M.
M has spent his whole life wanting just one thing. To make his father love him. He spent years trying to figure out some way into R's heart and all he ever got was shot down. Perhaps and example...M had some good news to tell his father. I don't remember if it was a good grade or something else, but everyone was there including my parents and I when R came home. M was called downstairs to tell his good news in front of us all. So, beaming, he told him. Then he goes to have a hug with his father and R smacks him on the behind and yells at him because he stinks. And he wanted to know why M had forgotten to put his deodorant on that day. And why doesn't he do what his father told him to do. The boy was crushed and mortified. After all, he had just started wearing deodorant and had probably forgotten in all of the excitement. And as of that moment, he started to change. He took the who gives a crap attitude because he had to in self defense. Soon after that he started fighting at school.
When R started the deliberate brainwashing began on M all he had to do was pay him some attention and reward the desired behavior. Soon he had convinced M that his mother was the one responsible for destroying the family and that she was just evil and God wanted her destroyed. He told him he would be doing God's work if he stabbed his mother in her sleep one night. It was around then that R requested a letter from a judge stating that if M ended up having to kill his mother that he couldn't be held responsible. I can only imagine that his lawyer at the time discouraged it. Shortly thereafter, M started a fire in the apartment in which he and his sisters and mother were living. I believe the intention was to get them kicked out so they would have no choice but to go back home to Dad. Let's not forget the day that his backpack was searched and they found knives. I don't know if they were the same kind his father used to use on me, but I do know there was more than one.
Let me take this moment to insert Terry into the picture. I believe that Melinda's meeting Terry was the thing that gave her the courage to finally leave R for good. Just to be clear, Terry did not enter the picture until after Melinda's first two attempts to get away. Nevertheless, R jumped right onto the "this is the guy who broke up our family" mode with M. He trained M to hate him. You will here some fabricated story about how Terry is a child abuser or the likes. This all stems from the day that M pulled a knife on his mother while Terry was in the room. Terry proceeded to push him away from her and take the knife. The fact that R thinks that is child abuse may be why he does not recognize all of the abuse he perpetrated upon his own kids. It was decided that since M was trying to kill his mother, that he should go back to live with his father. I understand the necessity of the move, but fear it was that event that has undone M for good. A short time later, M sucker punched Terry in the lobby of the county courthouse. The guards were witnesses.
Melinda had tried from the beginning to get R to let her go, but he would not and will not have any of it. You see, R is entitled to anything he wants and God will ensure that he gets everything that he is supposed to. She has asked him for child support and to be left alone. He is not interested. God has told him that once she is done making her mistakes she will be back and all will be as it was. He has refused for more than a year to simply let her go.
I am sure you can get a list of the lawyers that have represented R throughout this process. They will all tell you that he is nuts and that is ultimately why they no longer represent him. He is totally self centered and extremely pompous. He goes around threatening Melinda, Terry, Mom, Dad, me and Melinda's lawyer with how he is gonna go to court and get a court order for this or against that. My favorite one was when he told my parents that they are not allowed to talk to Melinda anymore and he is gonna get an order of protection so she can't talk to them nor them to her. He is a huge blowhard that tries to use the system to threaten others into doing what he wants. He can not even create the thought in his head that his kids are more important than he is in this matter. There is nothing in this world that he can not and does not control. He is severely mentally ill and delusional. He has written of lengthy conversations he has had with angels and God. She just wants him to leave her alone.
I'll even give you a perfect example of how he plays the system. He works in the trades as a waterproofer/roofer. My father worked in the trades all his life and I am well aware of the income brought in by side jobs and under the table overtime. It is how many families make ends meet. For some reason, his boss trusts him and has helped him out over the years. I would imagine R is too smart to show him the other side. Many months ago he stopped working. Actually he stopped working on the books. He was taking the vast majority of his pay under the table so that it would go unreported. He stopped making the mortgage payments and lost the house. According to him, he "wasn't going to spend anymore money on something that she could get half of." So he lived rent free until the back kicked them out. What would you do with almost a year of mortgage payments in your pocket? Melinda didn't want the house and was happy to sign it over to him. But he doesn't take chances. At the time they took the house he had ripped apart the girls bedroom to fix a supposed leak from the laundry room below. At last viewing, it was still torn apart. He is now renting a house and making plans to start improvements (which means tear it apart.) My sister's basement is still without walls or insulation and he tore that out years ago. He makes big plans and does not know the meaning of the word moderation. He requires instant gratification in all things.
He doesn't like me around much because I am the only one alive who is not afraid of him. I have always been able to see the actual motives behind everything he does and I do not take his bullshit. I have called the police on him before and have no fear of doing it again. My parents are old and can't handle the amount of grief he puts someone through when he doesn't get what he wants. My mother was nice enough to allow the kids to have visitation at her house. Each and every time, R waltzes in like he is part of the kids time together. They let him. One day he got J in a bear hug and he's whispering into her ear. Now I know from history that he is telling her not to worry and he will have them all back very soon. I told him that he is not allowed to isolate and whisper to the girls. At which point he begins threatening me with court orders, etc. He was asked to leave and refused. So I told the girls we were leaving. He didn't like that one little bit. No one can control something of his! And another time I actually did call 911 to have him removed. He left moments before the 9 Crown Point police officers arrived. They searched the neighborhood to make sure he wasn't coming back and went by his house to see if he was there. Now he is known to police in South Holland, Dolton, Lansing, Griffith and Crown Point.
M, I regret to say, has not had an original thought or spoken his own words for many months. He is a full blown puppet of my brother and is being encouraged to commit violent crimes. I lost count of the number of times that he has been suspended from school. He will fight at the drop of a hat. He has learned all sorts of obscene language and uses it regularly. We all fear that it is too late to get him back. So much so that there have been discussions about who could possibly take M, just to get him away from R. Even my Aunt and Uncle (retired federal special agent) have thought about taking him. M is allergic to cats and I have two that are my babies, but if he needs to come live here to get away from his father then I will find other homes for them.
M is showing the same signs of mental illness that his father and his grandfather did. Unfortunately, he will not get the help he needs because R refuses to admit that there is something wrong with himself, much less his son.
I implore you to not only keep the girls away from him, but get M away from him too before it is too late. I think at this point, even M going into the foster system for some time would be better than staying with his crazy father who refuses to take the meds that make him lucid and rational.
Signed,
S.
Hearings and Legal Aid
I applied for Legal Aid yestreday and have to wait 1 to 2 weeks to find out if my case is accepted.
Our GAL has filed for an Emergency Hearing for his status on the case as well as for the kids to speak to the Magistrate. STBX has been emailing the GAL so much with all sorts of lies it is not funny, but not surprising and sad. He doesn't want to be alone! This is one reason he wants our son and another reason is that he has promised to take away everything I hold dear.
After going back and forth via email with both the GAL and STBX (through his messages to the GAL) my brain was total mush over the past few days/week. I am so sad that my son seems lost to me. I have been told by many dear friends to keep my faith in that matter and I am. The GAL did contact me and asked for a face to face meeting on Thursday at our home, so I am anxious for that!
Visitation is Saturday and J (my middle daughter) is worried about it. She knows something is wrong, due to my bloodshot, tear streaked eyes and face. My mood has been kind of somber and stinky. Thank goodness Terry is by my side! He is such a rock for me. Though he is just as upset as I am.
My sister in law sent an email to the GAL about the past abuse as STBX was growing up. I am posting towards the bottom- Names are changed for legal reasons. On the bright side STBX sent an email to the GAL informing him that he would relinquish Parental rights to the girls. There is 2 things about this:
1) He does not want to pay for Child support at all
2) His claims that Terry is a child molester and that I am abusing the girls and our son have no credibility.
The claims do not hold water anyway. They are continued rantings from a man that has a mental illness.
In light of the Tucson, AZ murders I know more Psychotic disorders will be in the news. Though help for them is limited in many states. Despite some of STBX's family members wanting to commit him or find help for him you can not without jumping through many hoops. Frustrating all.
As for me STBX has "told" the GAL he wants me to have a psych evaluation of "his" choosing. Terry and I discussed it. I am waaayyy too close to this to be thinking rationally. But as Terry stated why do I need to worry? The court appointed therapist has found no reason to believe I have issues that would jeopardize my children. So why would it hurt? He is so right! So I emailed the GAL and said bring it on! Of course I worded it nicely! And as suggested I also included that the evaluation should be done by someone impartial to myself and STBX. And STBX should also have one! He had an evaluation to get him discharged from the hospital for a suicide attempt in 2009 but my then atty shot that down as it was not a true eval.
So in a nut shell we are waiting for a response from Legal Aid, waiting to see how tomorrow's visitation goes, and waiting to hear about court, I can not do paternity test as I am flat broke to spend anything right now in my budget. Ah! Legal Land... It's a frustrating thing...
Our GAL has filed for an Emergency Hearing for his status on the case as well as for the kids to speak to the Magistrate. STBX has been emailing the GAL so much with all sorts of lies it is not funny, but not surprising and sad. He doesn't want to be alone! This is one reason he wants our son and another reason is that he has promised to take away everything I hold dear.
After going back and forth via email with both the GAL and STBX (through his messages to the GAL) my brain was total mush over the past few days/week. I am so sad that my son seems lost to me. I have been told by many dear friends to keep my faith in that matter and I am. The GAL did contact me and asked for a face to face meeting on Thursday at our home, so I am anxious for that!
Visitation is Saturday and J (my middle daughter) is worried about it. She knows something is wrong, due to my bloodshot, tear streaked eyes and face. My mood has been kind of somber and stinky. Thank goodness Terry is by my side! He is such a rock for me. Though he is just as upset as I am.
My sister in law sent an email to the GAL about the past abuse as STBX was growing up. I am posting towards the bottom- Names are changed for legal reasons. On the bright side STBX sent an email to the GAL informing him that he would relinquish Parental rights to the girls. There is 2 things about this:
1) He does not want to pay for Child support at all
2) His claims that Terry is a child molester and that I am abusing the girls and our son have no credibility.
The claims do not hold water anyway. They are continued rantings from a man that has a mental illness.
In light of the Tucson, AZ murders I know more Psychotic disorders will be in the news. Though help for them is limited in many states. Despite some of STBX's family members wanting to commit him or find help for him you can not without jumping through many hoops. Frustrating all.
As for me STBX has "told" the GAL he wants me to have a psych evaluation of "his" choosing. Terry and I discussed it. I am waaayyy too close to this to be thinking rationally. But as Terry stated why do I need to worry? The court appointed therapist has found no reason to believe I have issues that would jeopardize my children. So why would it hurt? He is so right! So I emailed the GAL and said bring it on! Of course I worded it nicely! And as suggested I also included that the evaluation should be done by someone impartial to myself and STBX. And STBX should also have one! He had an evaluation to get him discharged from the hospital for a suicide attempt in 2009 but my then atty shot that down as it was not a true eval.
So in a nut shell we are waiting for a response from Legal Aid, waiting to see how tomorrow's visitation goes, and waiting to hear about court, I can not do paternity test as I am flat broke to spend anything right now in my budget. Ah! Legal Land... It's a frustrating thing...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Gaslight's- Sociopath mind games
He/she may have you believe the sky is gray while it is sunny and the sun is shining.
He/she may tell lies about friends and family
He/she may tell you that you will never be anything unless you have them in your life
My Abuser would hide things he needed for work or tools he used around the house and later after I am ripping the house/garage/his truck apart, magically the item in question would appear. I would scratch my head and swear it was not where it was! My Abuser did admit that he did this later to me/kids. He thought it was funny. Of course the stress or names or the physical things he would do to me/kids until the items were found was nuts!
There are times you get so lost inside you lose yourself and your feeling of self worth is in the toliet! Escaping these things can be a challenge. Anytime you are in a domestic or family violence situation there is doubt you can make it. Your abuser may make you believe otherwise and you do doubt yourself!
Believe that you are not alone! Sadly there are thousands of people in your shoes, young, old, women, men, children, and even animals! Keeping quiet about your abuse will only allow your abuser to get away with continued abuse! If you can not leave for you and you have children. LEAVE FOR THEM! Don't wait! File police reports, take pictures and do not be silent anymore!
I sadly did not do a lot of this and I am having many problems. My Soon To Be Ex wants to have my girls removed from my home based on lies. The trouble is since I never filed a police report prior to my leaving him. In some cases I am having a hard time getting the court to believe me! Luckily I have family and some friends that recall instances of turmoil and this will help!
If you are being abused and just need to vent please email me privately...
******************************************************************************
http://www.suite101.com/content/why-psychological-abuse-is-called-gaslighting-a154933
Why Psychological Abuse Is Called Gaslighting
Movie Gaslight’s Plot - Sociopath Playing Mind Games with Wife
Oct 1, 2009 Jill Stefko
The 1944 film, Gaslight, features a man using psychologically abusive ploys to convince his wife she's insane. Later, this term would be used to describe abuser's games
Gaslighters say and do things to make targets question their sanity, memories and beliefs – all in a bid to fulfill the abusive person's egocentric needs. Intentions can include financial gain, controlling others and/or pleasure.
Gaslight, the Movie
In the film Gaslight, Paula and Gregory Anton are living in the house where her Aunt Alice Alquist was murdered because the killer wanted her jewelry – jewelry that he never found. Gregory is Sergius Bauer, Alice’s killer. He marries Paula so he can get back into the house to search for the jewelry.
His plan is to convince his wife that she’s insane so he can have her certified and institutionalized, thereby allowing him to search for the jewelry without hindrance. After they move into the house, bizarre incidents start happening. Pictures disappear, footsteps are heard in the sealed attic and gaslights dim and brighten for no apparent reason. He insinuates that Paula is responsible, but she has no memory of doing these things.
Paula is saved by Brian Cameron, a Scotland Yard detective who was a fan of Alice. The housekeeper and a neighbor help him solve the case. Gregory is arrested on the day he finds the jewelry.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is the intentional and progresses psychological abuse that uses mind games. Gas lighters begin with subtle ploys to lessen their targets’ self-confidence, disturb their sense of reality and make them doubt the self. They want to weaken targets so they are less likely to figure out what’s happening, making the victim less apt to take actions for self-protection.
All types of games are played to make targets think they are insane or having a psychological breakdown. The perpetuators are most likely to be those with antisocial personality disorder (formally called sociopaths and psychopaths) and those with sadistic personality disorder. Both take pleasure in inflicting damage.
Gaslighting Games
This covert form of psychological abuse is intended to make people question the self. Some gaslighters move their targets’ items to different places or steal them and return them later to disorientate the person. One went into his target’s home when she was absent and rearranged her furniture. When she told him about this, he told her she must have forgotten her moving them because she was under a lot of stress. Abusers might start a subtle crusade against targets so others will believe them, doubt the targets’ stability and may, unknowingly, help them in their games.
Gaslighters may isolate and alienate family and friends. Other games abusers employ can include:
When people question their memories of conversations or events although they’re absolutely sure what was said or took place, they should wonder if it’s possible they’ve been gaslighted. It’s a subtle method abusers use to manipulate and control and is almost undetectable by targets. Usually, the perpetuators vow they give unconditional love. The intent is to make targets think about this when they question the mind games and self-doubt arises. The thoughts abusers want them to think are, “I was sure s/he said we’d go out for dinner tonight, but, I must be mistaken. S/he loves me unconditionally, so there’s no reason for me not to believe him/her.”
Targets should listen to that small voice that says something doesn’t feel right. To escape these situations, a victim must realize, "I know what I heard. What’s happening here? Is s/he trying to make me not trust my memory? Is it that I’m being manipulated?" Targets should think about other incidents the abuser used to control and drown them in their pathology. If possible, targets should sever the relationship. If not, it can be beneficial to set boundaries and limit contact with the abuser.
Articles Related to Gaslighting
People who found this article interesting might want to read Hare's Psychopathy Checklist Revised PCLR, along with Sadistic Personality Disorder – SPD in DSM-III and What is Sociopathy and Cleckley's List?
Sources:
Gaslight, the Movie
In the film Gaslight, Paula and Gregory Anton are living in the house where her Aunt Alice Alquist was murdered because the killer wanted her jewelry – jewelry that he never found. Gregory is Sergius Bauer, Alice’s killer. He marries Paula so he can get back into the house to search for the jewelry.
His plan is to convince his wife that she’s insane so he can have her certified and institutionalized, thereby allowing him to search for the jewelry without hindrance. After they move into the house, bizarre incidents start happening. Pictures disappear, footsteps are heard in the sealed attic and gaslights dim and brighten for no apparent reason. He insinuates that Paula is responsible, but she has no memory of doing these things.
Paula is saved by Brian Cameron, a Scotland Yard detective who was a fan of Alice. The housekeeper and a neighbor help him solve the case. Gregory is arrested on the day he finds the jewelry.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is the intentional and progresses psychological abuse that uses mind games. Gas lighters begin with subtle ploys to lessen their targets’ self-confidence, disturb their sense of reality and make them doubt the self. They want to weaken targets so they are less likely to figure out what’s happening, making the victim less apt to take actions for self-protection.
All types of games are played to make targets think they are insane or having a psychological breakdown. The perpetuators are most likely to be those with antisocial personality disorder (formally called sociopaths and psychopaths) and those with sadistic personality disorder. Both take pleasure in inflicting damage.
Gaslighting Games
This covert form of psychological abuse is intended to make people question the self. Some gaslighters move their targets’ items to different places or steal them and return them later to disorientate the person. One went into his target’s home when she was absent and rearranged her furniture. When she told him about this, he told her she must have forgotten her moving them because she was under a lot of stress. Abusers might start a subtle crusade against targets so others will believe them, doubt the targets’ stability and may, unknowingly, help them in their games.
Gaslighters may isolate and alienate family and friends. Other games abusers employ can include:
- Denying they said something (when they did make the remark in question);
- Telling targets the matter is in their imagination;
- Accusing targets of overreacting, being suspicious and/or dramatic;
- Telling targets they don’t know what they’re talking about;
- Saying targets are accusing them of imaginary things, and;
- Asking targets about all of the “bad” things they’ve done to them.
When people question their memories of conversations or events although they’re absolutely sure what was said or took place, they should wonder if it’s possible they’ve been gaslighted. It’s a subtle method abusers use to manipulate and control and is almost undetectable by targets. Usually, the perpetuators vow they give unconditional love. The intent is to make targets think about this when they question the mind games and self-doubt arises. The thoughts abusers want them to think are, “I was sure s/he said we’d go out for dinner tonight, but, I must be mistaken. S/he loves me unconditionally, so there’s no reason for me not to believe him/her.”
Targets should listen to that small voice that says something doesn’t feel right. To escape these situations, a victim must realize, "I know what I heard. What’s happening here? Is s/he trying to make me not trust my memory? Is it that I’m being manipulated?" Targets should think about other incidents the abuser used to control and drown them in their pathology. If possible, targets should sever the relationship. If not, it can be beneficial to set boundaries and limit contact with the abuser.
Articles Related to Gaslighting
People who found this article interesting might want to read Hare's Psychopathy Checklist Revised PCLR, along with Sadistic Personality Disorder – SPD in DSM-III and What is Sociopathy and Cleckley's List?
Sources:
- The Mask of Sanity, Herve Cleckley, (Textbook Publishers, 2003).
- The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout, (Broadway Books, 2005).
- Without Conscience, Robert D. Hare, (The Guilford Press, 1999).
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Trying to find peace during the turbulance
It's a little after 8 am. I tossed and turned all night. My stomach is tied up in knots and is queasy. I feel defeated in many ways. Why? Over the past 3 days I have been going back and forth with the Guardian ad Litem about my marriage and our children. He called for a meeting between my STBX and myself later this week. A meeting that I turned down last night after talking with a close friend, who was astounded the GAL would seem to be nonchalant and so casual about this meeting despite my Order of Protection.
Background:
I filed for divorce from my marriage of 17 years. These 17 years were filled with anxiety, mental/verbal and physical abuse. Ask family members and they will tell you they knew something was going on. Close family saw the scars or heard first hand from the kids about things that went on under our roof.
Several events led up to my leaving for the 3rd and last time. I had no regrets, I tried in vain to keep it going. I couldn't do it. I was losing my hair, I had a baby ulcer starting, my family physican took me aside on several occassions to ask what was wrong. Though I said nothing, I am not a good liar.
My STBX made it clear early on that he would not stop until I was left with nothing. No custody of the kids, nothing from the house, nothing. It's all he said, she said now. All the bruises, all the shouting we endured, and all the name calling, all the bad memories from my marriage are now he said/she said. I have no proof but 1 picture I have my sister in law took back in 2007. I have one affidavit from a family member that my STBX planned to kill me. My STBX's response now? If I was going to hurt her I would have done that already?
SERIOUSLY?!
I told my attorney I want nothing but these things, most of which was destroyed or sold by STBX. Some of the items were things that were taken from my then safe place at my sister's place. I had planned on moving and STBX had taken it upon himself to help himself to my clothes, books, cd's, and a handful of jewelry.
My attorney said no you need to ask for more, take his pension, doesn't he have a savings? What about the house?
I wanted OUT! I did not want the house! I did not want his pension or savings! I had a list of 20 odd things or so, including the other items taken. That's it! I even left my wedding band when I left. I didn't keep them.
I want a divorce that's all. I want to be left alone from this man, who continues to remind me that he is my "Your husband". I could go on and on. I have enough emails from my STBX and sadly my son that are rude, scary, and mentally unstable.
I lost my attorney due to his leaving and since I lost my job I could not pay him. Though in my Provisionaly Order my STBX is supposed to pay, that's a laugh. It didn't happen. I knew it wouldn't.
I agree there are 2 sides to a story. I wish more then a amicable divorce but, STBX was labeled off the record, sadly was Psychotic, Depressed, Manic, Intermitten Explosive disorder, Borderline Personality, Anxiety and a few more things.
Of course it doesn't seem to matter now. I may lose custody of my girls or they may have over nights with him and their brother. I am all for them healing and seeing one another, IF my STBX was mentally stable and he is not. I emailed a handful of relatives in hopes of getting some insight, also perhaps they could share their experiences on paper and also give me a character witness.
The girls, they are happy here. Do they miss their Dad and brother? In some ways, they just don't want to be hit, called names or have to clean the house. Oh the last one is funny right? No it's not, my STBX has a warped sense of house cleaning, the girls will be maids. Not my words, my oldest daughter said so. I relish the idea of my STBX stepping up and being a good father to them. I pray for that! I have no problem with them seeing them, IF they were safe.
I pray for a good end to this mess.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** I had asked the GAL if I was incorrect in stating there is nothing we can do about finalizing the divorce until our June 15th court date. I have pasted his response down below, but you have to understand we have been emailing over 20 emails back and forth for the past few days. My silence is making it sound as if I am not compliant. I livid in many ways at the tone of this, feeling as though I am getting my hand slapped. I want nothing more then a divorce and some harmony, but again my STBX is unstable and very good at making himself appear smooth and cunning. Custody of girls is what I want. I don't listen to calls either. STBX walked out of calender planning because if he could not see girls his way he did not want to see them. I could go on and on...**
You are correct!!! The next hearing is June 15, 2011. But nothing will happen on that day if you and *** do not have an agreement on some things St least. So I will spell out for you both the basic issues concerning the case:
1. Is your marriage irretrievably broken?? If yes, your marriage can be dissolved. My guess is that the answer is yes. Then, why should the two of you wait until June 2011. The fact that you are still married seems to me to be a "bone in everyones side". There is no finality On this issue.
2. Your recent child is not ***'s according to your joint admission
That fact needs go be spelled out in the decree. Again , there is no disagreement on this point. You both agree. Why put that off
3. There is the question of who will have custody of the three children
Born of your marriage. The only scenario that is workable from my viewpoint is that son stays with Dad. That us where he has been That is what he wants !
There is little likelyhood that he wants to move in with you. He is Angry. The two girls wanted to be with you. I have not heard from them at all. Do either of you know if they have changed their mind?
If not them that question is resolved!
4. Everyone seems to wants to do more analysis concerning what is best fir I suspect there have been some frustrations since April but how has son done ?
In school? Would he have done better with Melinda? No one knows? One thing is certain
He is bitter and angry St Melinda!
Just read his emails recently. So, what do you both want to do? Subject him to further uncertainty or give him some stability in that he would know that he willReside with his dad. That is what he clearly wants
5. If he lives with dad then dad will responsible for his medical Nd mental health. I am talking about who he would see and when not who would pay. There is no way thatthe two of thou could ever be involved in joint legal custody of son. One personsould have sole physical custody and make all of the health care decisions. As it relates to son that person should Be dad. Remember, son can tell the magistrate who he wants to live with. Do either if you really doubt what he will say ad to who he wNts to live with?? If not then why are you putting off this decision on his custody??
6. Regarding when and if son will visit with Melinda leave that up to him. Right now he is bitter and frustrated. He does not want to visit with you Melinda because he believes that you are doing things to hurt his dad. Well, you two are still married and he is upset with your new relationship. I believe that if you were divorced it might be less upsetting. There would be finality. You would no longer be married. Over half if the marriages end in divorce. This is not uncommon.
7. Apparently the two of you will Never be able to sit down and discuss your children and their problems. But do not use them as messengers nor sounding boards as to why each of you is bothering the other. Let dad be responsible for son and Melinda be responsible for the two girls. Is this not the way that they will orient as they reach and go thru puberty And adolescence ?? Do not try to buck what occurs in the developmental stage.
8. Son did not want to be told that he had to visit melinda!!! The girls wanted to visit their dad
9. Is it either of your opinion that Dad will physically or mentally
Hurt or abuse son or the two girls?? Is it either of your opinions that Melinda will physically or mentally abuse sonor the two girls? If not the let the children reside where they told me they Wanted to live!!!
10. The kids want to communicate with each other. Since son does not want to visit or see Melinda that visitation would have to of you be at Dad And let them talk On the phone!
11. The two of you need to end the marriage. Move on. You cannot communicate so why put off the inevitable. By procrastinating and waiting and hoping for someone else to decide what to do, you
Need to do it yourself
12. Child supportcause will be a mathematical computation. Dad
Would have Son and Melinda the two girls. Because Sonwill not visit with Melinda she would get no credit for overnites. Dad would get this credit since I am assuming that the girls would overnight at Dads house if for no other reason than they would like to see their brother. At their present ages they are more interested in their siblings. But girls find it easier to discuss crrtAin things with their mother and the same applies to boys and their fathers !!!
13. What I am saying now is what your kids told me a while ago!!
No....based upon sons e mails to me I do think the core subject of what bothers him has changed. He feels that you melinda are out to destroy his dad. He hears this sentiment from someone.. He does not like it and therefore he doesnot like you!! There is nothing that could be done to change this other that total reconciliation. I do not see that happening and in reality neither do the two of you. The birth of the baby while you two were married is harder for a male to accept. I would offer a guess that the girls have less problem with the birth and child. This us their motherly instinct in it's formative stage. But for a male to be upstaged by a male while the marriage still intact is tough for a male to deal with!! Melinda..he is not old enough to see it as anything other than a slap in the face if his dad!!he does not comprehend your lack of any feeling toward his dad.. In reality He would like the two of you to be a family. He doesnot plume this uncommon situation. It bothers him!!
14. So what else is there to service?? Only who gets what property and who takes what debt? I have no advice nor will I offer An opinion on that split??
15. Without lawyers to lead the way you will spin your wheels and accomplish nothing before June 11 other than to aggravate each other, excite your children over the uncertainty. My dad always said that you have two choices in any situation: do something or do nothing. You jointly control you fate.
16. Each of you wants someone else to get the other to solve you mutual problem rather than solving it yourself.
17. No I cannot cancel the fear of dad that Melinda puts on the table nor can I counter dads argument that melinda is trying to destroy him.
18. I put forth my observations
From the standpoint of your children. They want stability. They do nit have it ad long as thus divorce remains unsettled. This thing can drag on for ever!! You can wait 6 months to have a pretrial and another year for any more a trial date. If you want to end this then agree on something. Do not let this marriage and it's termination fester any more.
Background:
I filed for divorce from my marriage of 17 years. These 17 years were filled with anxiety, mental/verbal and physical abuse. Ask family members and they will tell you they knew something was going on. Close family saw the scars or heard first hand from the kids about things that went on under our roof.
Several events led up to my leaving for the 3rd and last time. I had no regrets, I tried in vain to keep it going. I couldn't do it. I was losing my hair, I had a baby ulcer starting, my family physican took me aside on several occassions to ask what was wrong. Though I said nothing, I am not a good liar.
My STBX made it clear early on that he would not stop until I was left with nothing. No custody of the kids, nothing from the house, nothing. It's all he said, she said now. All the bruises, all the shouting we endured, and all the name calling, all the bad memories from my marriage are now he said/she said. I have no proof but 1 picture I have my sister in law took back in 2007. I have one affidavit from a family member that my STBX planned to kill me. My STBX's response now? If I was going to hurt her I would have done that already?
SERIOUSLY?!
I told my attorney I want nothing but these things, most of which was destroyed or sold by STBX. Some of the items were things that were taken from my then safe place at my sister's place. I had planned on moving and STBX had taken it upon himself to help himself to my clothes, books, cd's, and a handful of jewelry.
My attorney said no you need to ask for more, take his pension, doesn't he have a savings? What about the house?
I wanted OUT! I did not want the house! I did not want his pension or savings! I had a list of 20 odd things or so, including the other items taken. That's it! I even left my wedding band when I left. I didn't keep them.
I want a divorce that's all. I want to be left alone from this man, who continues to remind me that he is my "Your husband". I could go on and on. I have enough emails from my STBX and sadly my son that are rude, scary, and mentally unstable.
I lost my attorney due to his leaving and since I lost my job I could not pay him. Though in my Provisionaly Order my STBX is supposed to pay, that's a laugh. It didn't happen. I knew it wouldn't.
I agree there are 2 sides to a story. I wish more then a amicable divorce but, STBX was labeled off the record, sadly was Psychotic, Depressed, Manic, Intermitten Explosive disorder, Borderline Personality, Anxiety and a few more things.
Of course it doesn't seem to matter now. I may lose custody of my girls or they may have over nights with him and their brother. I am all for them healing and seeing one another, IF my STBX was mentally stable and he is not. I emailed a handful of relatives in hopes of getting some insight, also perhaps they could share their experiences on paper and also give me a character witness.
The girls, they are happy here. Do they miss their Dad and brother? In some ways, they just don't want to be hit, called names or have to clean the house. Oh the last one is funny right? No it's not, my STBX has a warped sense of house cleaning, the girls will be maids. Not my words, my oldest daughter said so. I relish the idea of my STBX stepping up and being a good father to them. I pray for that! I have no problem with them seeing them, IF they were safe.
I pray for a good end to this mess.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** I had asked the GAL if I was incorrect in stating there is nothing we can do about finalizing the divorce until our June 15th court date. I have pasted his response down below, but you have to understand we have been emailing over 20 emails back and forth for the past few days. My silence is making it sound as if I am not compliant. I livid in many ways at the tone of this, feeling as though I am getting my hand slapped. I want nothing more then a divorce and some harmony, but again my STBX is unstable and very good at making himself appear smooth and cunning. Custody of girls is what I want. I don't listen to calls either. STBX walked out of calender planning because if he could not see girls his way he did not want to see them. I could go on and on...**
You are correct!!! The next hearing is June 15, 2011. But nothing will happen on that day if you and *** do not have an agreement on some things St least. So I will spell out for you both the basic issues concerning the case:
1. Is your marriage irretrievably broken?? If yes, your marriage can be dissolved. My guess is that the answer is yes. Then, why should the two of you wait until June 2011. The fact that you are still married seems to me to be a "bone in everyones side". There is no finality On this issue.
2. Your recent child is not ***'s according to your joint admission
That fact needs go be spelled out in the decree. Again , there is no disagreement on this point. You both agree. Why put that off
3. There is the question of who will have custody of the three children
Born of your marriage. The only scenario that is workable from my viewpoint is that son stays with Dad. That us where he has been That is what he wants !
There is little likelyhood that he wants to move in with you. He is Angry. The two girls wanted to be with you. I have not heard from them at all. Do either of you know if they have changed their mind?
If not them that question is resolved!
4. Everyone seems to wants to do more analysis concerning what is best fir I suspect there have been some frustrations since April but how has son done ?
In school? Would he have done better with Melinda? No one knows? One thing is certain
He is bitter and angry St Melinda!
Just read his emails recently. So, what do you both want to do? Subject him to further uncertainty or give him some stability in that he would know that he willReside with his dad. That is what he clearly wants
5. If he lives with dad then dad will responsible for his medical Nd mental health. I am talking about who he would see and when not who would pay. There is no way thatthe two of thou could ever be involved in joint legal custody of son. One personsould have sole physical custody and make all of the health care decisions. As it relates to son that person should Be dad. Remember, son can tell the magistrate who he wants to live with. Do either if you really doubt what he will say ad to who he wNts to live with?? If not then why are you putting off this decision on his custody??
6. Regarding when and if son will visit with Melinda leave that up to him. Right now he is bitter and frustrated. He does not want to visit with you Melinda because he believes that you are doing things to hurt his dad. Well, you two are still married and he is upset with your new relationship. I believe that if you were divorced it might be less upsetting. There would be finality. You would no longer be married. Over half if the marriages end in divorce. This is not uncommon.
7. Apparently the two of you will Never be able to sit down and discuss your children and their problems. But do not use them as messengers nor sounding boards as to why each of you is bothering the other. Let dad be responsible for son and Melinda be responsible for the two girls. Is this not the way that they will orient as they reach and go thru puberty And adolescence ?? Do not try to buck what occurs in the developmental stage.
8. Son did not want to be told that he had to visit melinda!!! The girls wanted to visit their dad
9. Is it either of your opinion that Dad will physically or mentally
Hurt or abuse son or the two girls?? Is it either of your opinions that Melinda will physically or mentally abuse sonor the two girls? If not the let the children reside where they told me they Wanted to live!!!
10. The kids want to communicate with each other. Since son does not want to visit or see Melinda that visitation would have to of you be at Dad And let them talk On the phone!
11. The two of you need to end the marriage. Move on. You cannot communicate so why put off the inevitable. By procrastinating and waiting and hoping for someone else to decide what to do, you
Need to do it yourself
12. Child supportcause will be a mathematical computation. Dad
Would have Son and Melinda the two girls. Because Sonwill not visit with Melinda she would get no credit for overnites. Dad would get this credit since I am assuming that the girls would overnight at Dads house if for no other reason than they would like to see their brother. At their present ages they are more interested in their siblings. But girls find it easier to discuss crrtAin things with their mother and the same applies to boys and their fathers !!!
13. What I am saying now is what your kids told me a while ago!!
No....based upon sons e mails to me I do think the core subject of what bothers him has changed. He feels that you melinda are out to destroy his dad. He hears this sentiment from someone.. He does not like it and therefore he doesnot like you!! There is nothing that could be done to change this other that total reconciliation. I do not see that happening and in reality neither do the two of you. The birth of the baby while you two were married is harder for a male to accept. I would offer a guess that the girls have less problem with the birth and child. This us their motherly instinct in it's formative stage. But for a male to be upstaged by a male while the marriage still intact is tough for a male to deal with!! Melinda..he is not old enough to see it as anything other than a slap in the face if his dad!!he does not comprehend your lack of any feeling toward his dad.. In reality He would like the two of you to be a family. He doesnot plume this uncommon situation. It bothers him!!
14. So what else is there to service?? Only who gets what property and who takes what debt? I have no advice nor will I offer An opinion on that split??
15. Without lawyers to lead the way you will spin your wheels and accomplish nothing before June 11 other than to aggravate each other, excite your children over the uncertainty. My dad always said that you have two choices in any situation: do something or do nothing. You jointly control you fate.
16. Each of you wants someone else to get the other to solve you mutual problem rather than solving it yourself.
17. No I cannot cancel the fear of dad that Melinda puts on the table nor can I counter dads argument that melinda is trying to destroy him.
18. I put forth my observations
From the standpoint of your children. They want stability. They do nit have it ad long as thus divorce remains unsettled. This thing can drag on for ever!! You can wait 6 months to have a pretrial and another year for any more a trial date. If you want to end this then agree on something. Do not let this marriage and it's termination fester any more.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Can you believe?
Oh my gosh! I have gotten continued ramblings from both my STBX and son. Now the Guardian Ad Litem is requesting a meeting between Robert and I. I have the Order of Protection which the GAL seems oblivious to!
The meeting is supposed to take place later this week concerning my son, which if my STBX was stable I would be fine going to. But since this is not the case I am in a terrible state of affairs right now. I am supposed to come without Terry and police are not to be there or my STBX will not come in.
I would be lying if I said I didn't feel sick to my stomach right now.
The meeting is supposed to take place later this week concerning my son, which if my STBX was stable I would be fine going to. But since this is not the case I am in a terrible state of affairs right now. I am supposed to come without Terry and police are not to be there or my STBX will not come in.
I would be lying if I said I didn't feel sick to my stomach right now.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I started all over!
I left my Abuser on 2/28/2009, it almost Independence day for me next month! To a certain degree, sadly I will have to remain in contact with our Abuser (the girls and I) until they are of age. According to the court system if I sway from any visitations or phone contact between them and their father I could get in serious trouble. As frustrating as it is, our court's are clogged with separated and divorcing relationships which hardens many of the officials that they do not seem to care, in my opinion. I have met some wonderful women over the past few years that are/were victims of DV. Some cases far worse then my own, stories with sexual abuse of children or physical abuse so bad they ended up close to death in a hospital.
BUT! In talking with several officials off the record a person can not be perscuted for bad parenting alone or because the guy was a total schmuck. Sadly for something drastic to be done an assault landing one in the hospital or worse must take place.
I have an Order of Protection, but it is worth is as much as the paper it is printed on. A local police official explained to me that unless I was found in a bad way there is really nothing they can do. I had countless emails, text messages, voicemails about threats of further violence to me and later my significant other. 2 men were solicited to kill me, video taped and pictures were to be taken of my body after the deed was to be done. I do have one written affidavit with this fact but the other man was afraid to come forward. So my Abuser remains on the street. Sadly I had to leave my son in his care because of the brainwashing my spouse hammered into him in summer of 2009. My son set a fire in my closet in my apartment and brought 4 knives to kill me with while I was sleeping, he admitted to me as I drove him to his Dad's.
Now I have not seen my son since a attack that took place at the court house in November 2009 between my son and my significant other.
I recieve nasty death threats from my son now. My heart was broke! I could not safely take him in due to his threats. And at his age, 15 years old, I am unsure if our relationship will ever be repaired.
About 3 weeks after I left my Abuser I looked up several old friends and after confering with my sister, I decided to kick up my heels and just go out for a night to relax. That is when I got in touch with Terry. He had been a Consigner in the Antique shop I ran with my spouse. There was never nothing between us prior to this meeting. On more then one occassion Terry had found me teared up about my spouse and he told me, lose the guy and I will buy you a celebratory drink. I of course at the time was not thinking of that. But about 5 months later I took him up on that.
He and I were pea's in a pod since! We have a beautiful baby boy together and reside cautiously about 6 blocks from our Abuser. Getting into a relationship was futherest from my mind at the time. And at the shelter they warn against getting into a relationship due to you repeating the cycle with similar persons. I agree and can see why. I truely believe our relationship is rare. Of course there are problems because the element that I was cheating during my marriage has came into play. The babys paternity is also on the board and we need to get a test before our next court date, despite my spouse being vocal that it is not his. (My spouse had a vasectomy after our youngest was born 11 years ago)
Oh I can go on and on...
BUT! In talking with several officials off the record a person can not be perscuted for bad parenting alone or because the guy was a total schmuck. Sadly for something drastic to be done an assault landing one in the hospital or worse must take place.
I have an Order of Protection, but it is worth is as much as the paper it is printed on. A local police official explained to me that unless I was found in a bad way there is really nothing they can do. I had countless emails, text messages, voicemails about threats of further violence to me and later my significant other. 2 men were solicited to kill me, video taped and pictures were to be taken of my body after the deed was to be done. I do have one written affidavit with this fact but the other man was afraid to come forward. So my Abuser remains on the street. Sadly I had to leave my son in his care because of the brainwashing my spouse hammered into him in summer of 2009. My son set a fire in my closet in my apartment and brought 4 knives to kill me with while I was sleeping, he admitted to me as I drove him to his Dad's.
Now I have not seen my son since a attack that took place at the court house in November 2009 between my son and my significant other.
I recieve nasty death threats from my son now. My heart was broke! I could not safely take him in due to his threats. And at his age, 15 years old, I am unsure if our relationship will ever be repaired.
About 3 weeks after I left my Abuser I looked up several old friends and after confering with my sister, I decided to kick up my heels and just go out for a night to relax. That is when I got in touch with Terry. He had been a Consigner in the Antique shop I ran with my spouse. There was never nothing between us prior to this meeting. On more then one occassion Terry had found me teared up about my spouse and he told me, lose the guy and I will buy you a celebratory drink. I of course at the time was not thinking of that. But about 5 months later I took him up on that.
He and I were pea's in a pod since! We have a beautiful baby boy together and reside cautiously about 6 blocks from our Abuser. Getting into a relationship was futherest from my mind at the time. And at the shelter they warn against getting into a relationship due to you repeating the cycle with similar persons. I agree and can see why. I truely believe our relationship is rare. Of course there are problems because the element that I was cheating during my marriage has came into play. The babys paternity is also on the board and we need to get a test before our next court date, despite my spouse being vocal that it is not his. (My spouse had a vasectomy after our youngest was born 11 years ago)
Oh I can go on and on...
2011 Growth in DV Shelters
The collation between jobs, money and domestic violence are just a few things that seem to go hand in hand. Even in relationships with no DV there are hardships but enter in DV you have a recipe for trouble. I know this first hand! I found this article from the Associated Press- Indianapolis on 1/4/2011
Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence 2511 E. 46th St., Suite N-3 Indianapolis IN 46205 (317)543-3908
Women's Alternatives, Inc. : Center for Victim Services P.O. Box 1302 Anderson IN 46015 Business #: 317-643-0218 Hotline/Crisis: 317-643-0200
Middle Way House, Inc. P.O. Box 95 Bloomington IN 47402 Business #: 812-333-7404 Hotline/Crisis: 812-336-0846
Turning Point P.O. Box 103 Columbus IN 47402 Business #: 812-379-9844 Hotline/Crisis: 800-221-6311 Toll Free #: (800)221-6311
Family Crisis Shelter of Montgomery Co., Inc. P.O. Box 254 Crawfordsville IN 47933 Business #: 317-362-2030 Hotline/Crisis: 317-362-2030
ASSIST 200 North Jackson Blvd Elkhart IN 46514 Business #: 219-295-6915 Hotline/Crisis: 219-293-8671
Elkhart County Women's Shelter P.O. Box 2684 Elkhart IN 46515 Business #: 219-294-1811 Hotline/Crisis: 219-293-8671
Albion Fellows Bacon Center P.O. Box 3164 Evansville IN 47731 Business #: 812-422-9372 Hotline/Crisis: 812-422-5622 Toll Free #: (812)424-7273
YWCA Battered Women's Shelter 118 Vine Street Evansville IN 47708 Business #: 812-422-1191 Hotline/Crisis: 812-422-1191
YWCA Shelter for Women Victims of Violence P.O. Box 11242 Fort Wayne IN 46856 Business #: 219-447-7233 Hotline/Crisis: (800)441-4073
Gary Commission for Women/The Rainbow Shelter 475 Broadway Suite 508 Gary IN 46402 Business #: 219-883-4155 Hotline/Crisis: 219-886-1600
Putnam County Family Support Services 122 W. Washington Greencastle IN 46135 Business #: 317-653-4820 Hotline/Crisis: 317-653-5115
The Caring Place, Inc. 426 1/2 Center St. Hobart IN 46342 Business #: 219-942-8027 Hotline/Crisis: 219-464-2128
Breaking Free, Inc. 3833 N. Meridian, Suite 305A Indianapolis IN 46208 Hotline/Crisis: 317-923-4260
Julian Center, Inc./ Sojourner P.O. Box 88062 Indianapolis IN 46208 Business #: 317-635-4674 Hotline/Crisis: 317-251-7575
The Salvation Army Family Service Center 540 N. Alabama Street Indianapolis IN 46204 Hotline/Crisis: 317-637-5551
Crisis Connection P.O. Box 903 Jasper IN 47547 Business #: 812-482-1555 Hotline/Crisis: 812-357-2200 Toll Free #: (800)245-4580
YWCA Family Intervention Center 408 E. Sycamore Kokomo IN 46901 Business #: 317-457-3293 Hotline/Crisis: 317-459-0314 Toll Free #: (800)241-3041
YWCA Women's Shelter 605 N. Sixth Street Lafayette IN 47901 Business #: 317-742-0075 Hotline/Crisis: 317-423-1118
Women's Services of Family Service Society, Inc. 428 S. Washington St. Suite 327 Marion IN 46952 Business #: 317-664-0701 Hotline/Crisis: 317-664-0701
The Stepping Stone P.O. Box 1045 Michigan City IN 46360 Business #: 219-879-4616 Hotline/Crisis: 219-879-4615
A Better Way P.O. Box 734 Muncie IN 47308 Hotline/Crisis: 317-747-9107
The Center for Women and Families 2818 Grant Line Road New Albany IN 47150 Business #: 812-944-6732 Hotline/Crisis: 812-944-6743
Prevail P.O. Box 755 Noblesville IN 46060 Business #: 317-773-6942
North Central Indiana Rural Crisis Center, Inc. P.O. Box 212 Rensselear IN 47978 Business #: 219-866-8281 Toll Free #: (800)933-0374
Genesis 100 South 12th Street Richmond IN 47374 Business #: 317-935-3920 Hotline/Crisis: 317-935-5824 Toll Free #: (800)886-4508
YWCA of Saint Joseph County 802 N. Lafayette Blvd. South Bend IN 46601 Business #: 219-233-9491 Hotline/Crisis: 219-232-9558
Bethany House/Catholic Charities of Terre Haute 721 Wabash Ave., Suite 501 , Tribune Building Terre Haute IN 47808 Business #: 812-232-1447 Hotline/Crisis: 812-232-4978
C.O.D.A. Family Crisis Center P.O. Box 392 Terre Haute IN 47808 Hotline/Crisis: 812-232-1736
Harbor House P.O. Box 601 Vincennes IN 47591 Business #: 812-882-7900 Hotline/Crisis: 812-882-7900
The Beaman Home P.O. Box 12 Warsaw IN 46581 Business #: 219-267-7701 Hotline/Crisis: 219-267-7701
Remember you are NOT alone! Love does not hurt! Please feel free to contact me if you need to vent. I will not share your information with anyone. blessmeplz@gmail.com
Indianapolis - Domestic violence shelters report they are filling more frequently, in part because the economic downturn has forced victims to leave the care of overburdened families and friends and seek help elsewhere.
Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence executive director Laura Berry tells The Indianapolis Star that the demand for safe shelter has been rising steadily for the past 18 months. She says previous resources these victims would turn to have dried up.
In Indianapolis alone, the number of families using two shelters rose by 9 percent last year over the previous year. The increase in demand comes at a time when funding from federal and state sources for programs and shelters is shrinking.
You may wonder where to turn or where to send someone you know for help. My children and I were clients at a shelter and the staff was wonderful and caring! There are many resources in the shelter that can be utilized to get a person back on their feet. Many of the women I met and shared experiences came from many various backgrounds and ages! All situations were different as, all the reasons for finally leaving were just as different. Everyone has a breaking point and a tolerence level that varies from person to person. You can not make a person seek help until they are ready, but you can arm them with information when they are ready or be that shoulder they need to talk. Here are some shelters for IN-
Indiana Domestic Violence Shelters:
Remember you are NOT alone! Love does not hurt! Please feel free to contact me if you need to vent. I will not share your information with anyone. blessmeplz@gmail.com
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Checklist for leaving an abuser
The following steps represent a plan for increasing safety and preparing in advance for the possibility of further violence. Although I do not have control over my partner's violence, I do have a choice about how to respond to him/her and how to best get myself and my children to safety.
Step 1-
A. If we are going to have an argument, I can try to have us discuss it in_________ (try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchens, near weapons or in rooms without access to the front door).
B. If it is not safe to stay, I can ______________________(Practice how to get safely out. What doors, windows, elevators or stairwells would you use?)
C. I can keep my bag and car keys ready and keep them __________ in order to leave quickly.
D. I can tell ______________ about the violence and request they call police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my house.
E. I can use____________ as a code word with my children or friends so they can call for help.
F. I can teach my children how to use the telephone to contact the police and the fire department.
G. If I have to leave my home I can go to__________________(Decide this even if you don't think there will be a next time.)
*Use your own judgement. If the situation is very serious, give what he/she wants to calm him/her down. You have to protect yourself and your children until you are out of danger.
* Always remember- You deserve better then this!!!*
There's more but you get the jist. Think about hiding a spare set of keys , important documents, and extra clothes in the car if you need to leave quickly.
Get help from support groups or a counselor.
Rehearse your safety plan and practice it with your kids!
Consider getting window locks to secure your windows.
Purchase rope ladders for 2nd floor windows.
Install motion detectors!
Make sure your kids know how to call 911.
Inform schools about your situation.
Make copies of your protective order and keep your protective order in your purse, car, at school. Always keep it on your person!
If you are leaving work leave with a buddy, use the buddy system whenever possible.
If you ride on public transportation sit by the bus driver, check with conductor, exit with groups of people. Keep your cell phone out!
If you feel down talk to someone, a friend, counselor, or contact a women's shelter near you.
If you must contact your ex-partner do this through your atty or family.
Remember to use positive affirmations when you feel others are trying to control you! You deserve better, you are worthy of being loved, you are strong!
Read self help books and call your therapist or counselor if you need more resources.
Keep in mind alcohol and drugs can alter your partner. You may need to make specific plans for escape. Don't consume drugs or alcohol and if you decide to make sure you are in a safe place when you do so.
Also think about having a designated driver and always stay close to friends.
If your partner is consuming you can refuse contact with your partner.
Think about the potential cost of the use of illegal drugs, the legal outcomes can be very hard and hurt the relationship with children and also put your in a disadvantage with legal action.
What do you need to take when you leave?
Id
Drivers license
Birth certificates
Money
Pink slip if you have a car
Lease or rental agreement of house, deed or mortgage book
Banking information
Check books
Credit cards
Insurance papers
Keys
Medical papers/Medical records
Medications you may need for yourself and kids
Small sale-able items
Address book
Pictures
Welfare information
School records
Work permits
Green card
Passport
Divorce papers
Jewelry
Children's favorite toys or blankets
2 or 3 years of Tax returns
Computer passwords for online banking and for bills
*Keep this information in one location. If you need to leave in a hurry you can grab these quickly.
IMPORTANT NUMBERS
Police Dept_______________
Shelter___________________
Other____________________
Review your plan once a week or monthly! Change if need be!
Good luck! And blessings!
Respect checklist
Relationship Respect Checklist
If you are in a relationship, you must be treated with respect, which means your boyfriend or partner:
is willing to compromise
lets you feel comfortable being yourself
is able to admit to being wrong
tries to resolve conflict by talking honestly
respects your feelings, your opinions and your friends
accepts you saying no to things you don't want to do (like sex)
accepts you changing your mind
respects your wishes if you want to end the relationship
When someone loves you; you feel valued, respected and free to be yourself. You shouldn't be made to feel intimidated or controlled.
Think about your relationship - do you feel respected?
excerpt from: Moving Out, Moving On
Susan Murphy Milano
Domestic Violence Expert and Strategist
Author-Advocate-Media Consultant
Email: contact@movingoutmovingon.com
If you are in a relationship, you must be treated with respect, which means your boyfriend or partner:
is willing to compromise
lets you feel comfortable being yourself
is able to admit to being wrong
tries to resolve conflict by talking honestly
respects your feelings, your opinions and your friends
accepts you saying no to things you don't want to do (like sex)
accepts you changing your mind
respects your wishes if you want to end the relationship
When someone loves you; you feel valued, respected and free to be yourself. You shouldn't be made to feel intimidated or controlled.
Think about your relationship - do you feel respected?
excerpt from: Moving Out, Moving On
Susan Murphy Milano
Domestic Violence Expert and Strategist
Author-Advocate-Media Consultant
Email: contact@movingoutmovingon.com
There was a time...
There was a time...
When I thought all I needed was normal
When all I had were unanswered prayers
When I needed someone close and he broke my heart
When I stopped praying, loving and hoping
When all that was left is just scattered happy but many sad memories
I stood tall and began to walk tall
I found myself on the path to a new me
I found new strength to know I'll be ok
To do things for me for a change
To try something new and different
I found love when I thought there was not a drop in my heart to give
I found love when I thought there was no one worth trusting
I found a wish for a new tomorrow and new dreams for a lifetime
I found someone I could possibly walk with for a very long time once this is put behind me
I'm not afraid to be me...
It doesn't matter if I don't have a big house, I was never a trophy wife, I don't need a shiny big car, I don't need tons of cash, I don't need the latest gadgets and the inbetweens.
I found what I need! Someone patient, kind and understanding. Someone that loves me for me! I don't have to put on airs or keep up with every new trend. I don't have to worry about what comes out of my mouth because it may get me in trouble.
I found someone that will let me be me. I found someone that makes me giggle, holds me close when I'm down. Places me higher then I thought I could ever be and makes me feel needed without making me feel obligated.
I stopped blogging because STBX asked me to. He asked me to stop the reminders. He asked me to stop because he felt I was making him look bad. He asked me to stop because he forgives me and I should do the same. I actually started to comply awhile back and I wonder why.
I know the games I know them well. I lived the life and have plenty to tell. I have no lies or empty promises. I've heard those times before. I believed them once but never again.
I will never allow myself to be that way. Not for anyone again. I will never lose myself so much that I forget who I am. I will never allow anyone to hurt us again...
I've read through some of my other blogs and wonder how we made it through. I marvel at the memories that pop up here or there when someone says something or there is a certain smell. Oh sure there are some fun memories! Powdered sugar will never be that sweet.
Thanks for the memories. That's all I'm taking with me. I'm moving on. What good would it have done to have broke the passenger side window today?There's more. There will always be more, but I'm done. I'm through, I'm tired of being with you. I'm tired of you invading my dreams, I'm tired of speaking to you. I'm tired of the roller coaster ride I got off puked, and got the tshirt. I'm through with you.
I feel nothing, it took sometime it's true, but I'm so through with you. I ran out of love sometime ago. I ran out of it it's true. I can't say I'm sorry. I am sorry I waited so damn long to think the whole thing through.
I don't care anymore about you. I hope you never get hurt or anything bad happens to you. The kids need you that true. But me? I don't care about you.
Be a man, be a parent, be someone who the kids can step back and say I love you without hesitance or disdain or feel blue. I will respect your position, I will respect you. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let you keep thinking I'm coming back to you. I don't care about you.
Go get your counseling become a better person. I'm done with you. I moved on not because of someone new. Because I have a desire to be someone new. I have a desire to dig deep and find that goofy chick that loved to laugh, giggle, dance in the street to her own beat, that woman that loves to act a fool and try on silly hats, that woman that loves to play in a fountain. That woman that loves to wake up with everything anew. Seeing things positive and optimistic that things will turn out right.
I don't care about you. I hope you find love, I hope you find your dreams, I hope you find or have found that person that can make you become the person you want to be. It's not me. I'm through. I don't care about you. I care about our children. I care about their well being, I care about their safety and how they are getting along. But I don't care about you.
I felt a weight leave my shoulders when I left, I feel it leaving me now even more. I don't care about you. I don't care how many times you say you will change. You never do.
I don't care about you. It makes me smile to say that out loud. I don't care about you.
I don't care to talk badly about you in front of the kids. Something you don't seem to care about at all. You have no qualms (WHOOOPSS! Big words sorry!) about calling me out in front of the kids. You have no issues with finding things to make me look bad.
No I don't drink, smoke, have porn on my computer, share things bad about you in front of the kids or even when they are not. I'm done with you!
You need your time to get over this. Get a life with someone new. I won't have to tell her anything about you. She will find out all about you on her own. It will be subtle. Small things, innocent seemingly. A small back scratch. Oh maybe to help you get dressed here or there. Or maybe when you run out of milk at some late hour you will ask or tell her to get some for you.
Perhaps she will pack on a few pounds, perhaps she will start to have a voice of her own. Can't have that can we? You will ask who she's talking to on the phone and sit there and listen waiting for something about you. You will be so paranoid that the whole conversation is in code that you will drill her about it later. Oh heaven help the girl if she is foreign! You will think she is talking about you!
Oh! She dresses in baggy clothes or loose ones after sometime. Can't have that can we? OH! She isn't keeping up the house? Can't have that can we? She must be a pig! She must be a slob, she must be everything negative you can dream of. Oh it will be subtle (big word again!) it will be smooth, she won't even know it's happening because of you!
What was that? I'm sorry? That's not how it happened? It can't be true? How about looking in the mirror! It's true... I'm so done with you! I'm done with lying about things. It's true, I lied to you. I lied to hide many truths from you. I lied because I had to. I lied because there was no other way, I lied because I know you! I know how you are, I know what makes you tick. I know your likes and dislikes. OH I'M SO DONE WITH YOU!
I wish we could be the best parents that's true, but I am so done with any one on one with you! I'm not going to make love to you. I'm so done with you. No apples, I'm saying no to a no strings with you. I'm through loving you. I've given my heart to you before, I am not going to take anymore. I'm done with you.
Gosh that feels so damn good to say! I'M DONE WITH YOU! It means no worries, it means no pain, it mains I'm be stronger everyday. It means say no to doing things your way. It means no scary times or feeling blue. It means I'm so done with you!
Don't hurt those children! Don't make them blue! Stop what you are doing before you lose that chance to be a good Dad for them. Don't be mean to them because I'm done with you. Don't pepper them with questions, because I know you! I know what you do and how you are. The wind changes so much with you. Be a good person, start to love yourself. Be someone the kids can look up to. Start soon before it's too late! Look at us. Look at what happened. I didn't talk I couldn't talk to you. I'm so done with you. I'm done with the marriage... Move on and be happy...
I'm so done with you...
When I thought all I needed was normal
When all I had were unanswered prayers
When I needed someone close and he broke my heart
When I stopped praying, loving and hoping
When all that was left is just scattered happy but many sad memories
I stood tall and began to walk tall
I found myself on the path to a new me
I found new strength to know I'll be ok
To do things for me for a change
To try something new and different
I found love when I thought there was not a drop in my heart to give
I found love when I thought there was no one worth trusting
I found a wish for a new tomorrow and new dreams for a lifetime
I found someone I could possibly walk with for a very long time once this is put behind me
I'm not afraid to be me...
It doesn't matter if I don't have a big house, I was never a trophy wife, I don't need a shiny big car, I don't need tons of cash, I don't need the latest gadgets and the inbetweens.
I found what I need! Someone patient, kind and understanding. Someone that loves me for me! I don't have to put on airs or keep up with every new trend. I don't have to worry about what comes out of my mouth because it may get me in trouble.
I found someone that will let me be me. I found someone that makes me giggle, holds me close when I'm down. Places me higher then I thought I could ever be and makes me feel needed without making me feel obligated.
I stopped blogging because STBX asked me to. He asked me to stop the reminders. He asked me to stop because he felt I was making him look bad. He asked me to stop because he forgives me and I should do the same. I actually started to comply awhile back and I wonder why.
I know the games I know them well. I lived the life and have plenty to tell. I have no lies or empty promises. I've heard those times before. I believed them once but never again.
I will never allow myself to be that way. Not for anyone again. I will never lose myself so much that I forget who I am. I will never allow anyone to hurt us again...
I've read through some of my other blogs and wonder how we made it through. I marvel at the memories that pop up here or there when someone says something or there is a certain smell. Oh sure there are some fun memories! Powdered sugar will never be that sweet.
Thanks for the memories. That's all I'm taking with me. I'm moving on. What good would it have done to have broke the passenger side window today?There's more. There will always be more, but I'm done. I'm through, I'm tired of being with you. I'm tired of you invading my dreams, I'm tired of speaking to you. I'm tired of the roller coaster ride I got off puked, and got the tshirt. I'm through with you.
I feel nothing, it took sometime it's true, but I'm so through with you. I ran out of love sometime ago. I ran out of it it's true. I can't say I'm sorry. I am sorry I waited so damn long to think the whole thing through.
I don't care anymore about you. I hope you never get hurt or anything bad happens to you. The kids need you that true. But me? I don't care about you.
Be a man, be a parent, be someone who the kids can step back and say I love you without hesitance or disdain or feel blue. I will respect your position, I will respect you. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let you keep thinking I'm coming back to you. I don't care about you.
Go get your counseling become a better person. I'm done with you. I moved on not because of someone new. Because I have a desire to be someone new. I have a desire to dig deep and find that goofy chick that loved to laugh, giggle, dance in the street to her own beat, that woman that loves to act a fool and try on silly hats, that woman that loves to play in a fountain. That woman that loves to wake up with everything anew. Seeing things positive and optimistic that things will turn out right.
I don't care about you. I hope you find love, I hope you find your dreams, I hope you find or have found that person that can make you become the person you want to be. It's not me. I'm through. I don't care about you. I care about our children. I care about their well being, I care about their safety and how they are getting along. But I don't care about you.
I felt a weight leave my shoulders when I left, I feel it leaving me now even more. I don't care about you. I don't care how many times you say you will change. You never do.
I don't care about you. It makes me smile to say that out loud. I don't care about you.
I don't care to talk badly about you in front of the kids. Something you don't seem to care about at all. You have no qualms (WHOOOPSS! Big words sorry!) about calling me out in front of the kids. You have no issues with finding things to make me look bad.
No I don't drink, smoke, have porn on my computer, share things bad about you in front of the kids or even when they are not. I'm done with you!
You need your time to get over this. Get a life with someone new. I won't have to tell her anything about you. She will find out all about you on her own. It will be subtle. Small things, innocent seemingly. A small back scratch. Oh maybe to help you get dressed here or there. Or maybe when you run out of milk at some late hour you will ask or tell her to get some for you.
Perhaps she will pack on a few pounds, perhaps she will start to have a voice of her own. Can't have that can we? You will ask who she's talking to on the phone and sit there and listen waiting for something about you. You will be so paranoid that the whole conversation is in code that you will drill her about it later. Oh heaven help the girl if she is foreign! You will think she is talking about you!
Oh! She dresses in baggy clothes or loose ones after sometime. Can't have that can we? OH! She isn't keeping up the house? Can't have that can we? She must be a pig! She must be a slob, she must be everything negative you can dream of. Oh it will be subtle (big word again!) it will be smooth, she won't even know it's happening because of you!
What was that? I'm sorry? That's not how it happened? It can't be true? How about looking in the mirror! It's true... I'm so done with you! I'm done with lying about things. It's true, I lied to you. I lied to hide many truths from you. I lied because I had to. I lied because there was no other way, I lied because I know you! I know how you are, I know what makes you tick. I know your likes and dislikes. OH I'M SO DONE WITH YOU!
I wish we could be the best parents that's true, but I am so done with any one on one with you! I'm not going to make love to you. I'm so done with you. No apples, I'm saying no to a no strings with you. I'm through loving you. I've given my heart to you before, I am not going to take anymore. I'm done with you.
Gosh that feels so damn good to say! I'M DONE WITH YOU! It means no worries, it means no pain, it mains I'm be stronger everyday. It means say no to doing things your way. It means no scary times or feeling blue. It means I'm so done with you!
Don't hurt those children! Don't make them blue! Stop what you are doing before you lose that chance to be a good Dad for them. Don't be mean to them because I'm done with you. Don't pepper them with questions, because I know you! I know what you do and how you are. The wind changes so much with you. Be a good person, start to love yourself. Be someone the kids can look up to. Start soon before it's too late! Look at us. Look at what happened. I didn't talk I couldn't talk to you. I'm so done with you. I'm done with the marriage... Move on and be happy...
I'm so done with you...
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