A little about me

Saturday, January 8, 2011

There was a time...

There was a time...

When I thought all I needed was normal
When all I had were unanswered prayers
When I needed someone close and he broke my heart
When I stopped praying, loving and hoping
When all that was left is just scattered happy but many sad memories

I stood tall and began to walk tall
I found myself on the path to a new me
I found new strength to know I'll be ok
To do things for me for a change
To try something new and different
I found love when I thought there was not a drop in my heart to give
I found love when I thought there was no one worth trusting
I found a wish for a new tomorrow and new dreams for a lifetime
I found someone I could possibly walk with for a very long time once this is put behind me

I'm not afraid to be me...

It doesn't matter if I don't have a big house, I was never a trophy wife, I don't need a shiny big car, I don't need tons of cash, I don't need the latest gadgets and the inbetweens.

I found what I need! Someone patient, kind and understanding. Someone that loves me for me! I don't have to put on airs or keep up with every new trend. I don't have to worry about what comes out of my mouth because it may get me in trouble.
I found someone that will let me be me. I found someone that makes me giggle, holds me close when I'm down. Places me higher then I thought I could ever be and makes me feel needed without making me feel obligated.

I stopped blogging because STBX asked me to. He asked me to stop the reminders. He asked me to stop because he felt I was making him look bad. He asked me to stop because he forgives me and I should do the same. I actually started to comply awhile back and I wonder why.

I know the games I know them well. I lived the life and have plenty to tell. I have no lies or empty promises. I've heard those times before. I believed them once but never again.
I will never allow myself to be that way. Not for anyone again. I will never lose myself so much that I forget who I am. I will never allow anyone to hurt us again...

I've read through some of my other blogs and wonder how we made it through. I marvel at the memories that pop up here or there when someone says something or there is a certain smell. Oh sure there are some fun memories! Powdered sugar will never be that sweet.

Thanks for the memories. That's all I'm taking with me. I'm moving on. What good would it have done to have broke the passenger side window today?There's more. There will always be more, but I'm done. I'm through, I'm tired of being with you. I'm tired of you invading my dreams, I'm tired of speaking to you. I'm tired of the roller coaster ride I got off puked, and got the tshirt. I'm through with you.

I feel nothing, it took sometime it's true, but I'm so through with you. I ran out of love sometime ago. I ran out of it it's true. I can't say I'm sorry. I am sorry I waited so damn long to think the whole thing through.

I don't care anymore about you. I hope you never get hurt or anything bad happens to you. The kids need you that true. But me? I don't care about you.

Be a man, be a parent, be someone who the kids can step back and say I love you without hesitance or disdain or feel blue. I will respect your position, I will respect you. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let you keep thinking I'm coming back to you. I don't care about you.

Go get your counseling become a better person. I'm done with you. I moved on not because of someone new. Because I have a desire to be someone new. I have a desire to dig deep and find that goofy chick that loved to laugh, giggle, dance in the street to her own beat, that woman that loves to act a fool and try on silly hats, that woman that loves to play in a fountain. That woman that loves to wake up with everything anew. Seeing things positive and optimistic that things will turn out right.

I don't care about you. I hope you find love, I hope you find your dreams, I hope you find or have found that person that can make you become the person you want to be. It's not me. I'm through. I don't care about you. I care about our children. I care about their well being, I care about their safety and how they are getting along. But I don't care about you.

I felt a weight leave my shoulders when I left, I feel it leaving me now even more. I don't care about you. I don't care how many times you say you will change. You never do.
I don't care about you. It makes me smile to say that out loud. I don't care about you.
I don't care to talk badly about you in front of the kids. Something you don't seem to care about at all. You have no qualms (WHOOOPSS! Big words sorry!) about calling me out in front of the kids. You have no issues with finding things to make me look bad.

No I don't drink, smoke, have porn on my computer, share things bad about you in front of the kids or even when they are not. I'm done with you!

You need your time to get over this. Get a life with someone new. I won't have to tell her anything about you. She will find out all about you on her own. It will be subtle. Small things, innocent seemingly. A small back scratch. Oh maybe to help you get dressed here or there. Or maybe when you run out of milk at some late hour you will ask or tell her to get some for you.

Perhaps she will pack on a few pounds, perhaps she will start to have a voice of her own. Can't have that can we? You will ask who she's talking to on the phone and sit there and listen waiting for something about you. You will be so paranoid that the whole conversation is in code that you will drill her about it later. Oh heaven help the girl if she is foreign! You will think she is talking about you!

Oh! She dresses in baggy clothes or loose ones after sometime. Can't have that can we? OH! She isn't keeping up the house? Can't have that can we? She must be a pig! She must be a slob, she must be everything negative you can dream of. Oh it will be subtle (big word again!) it will be smooth, she won't even know it's happening because of you!

What was that? I'm sorry? That's not how it happened? It can't be true? How about looking in the mirror! It's true... I'm so done with you! I'm done with lying about things. It's true, I lied to you. I lied to hide many truths from you. I lied because I had to. I lied because there was no other way, I lied because I know you! I know how you are, I know what makes you tick. I know your likes and dislikes. OH I'M SO DONE WITH YOU!

I wish we could be the best parents that's true, but I am so done with any one on one with you! I'm not going to make love to you. I'm so done with you. No apples, I'm saying no to a no strings with you. I'm through loving you. I've given my heart to you before, I am not going to take anymore. I'm done with you.

Gosh that feels so damn good to say! I'M DONE WITH YOU! It means no worries, it means no pain, it mains I'm be stronger everyday. It means say no to doing things your way. It means no scary times or feeling blue. It means I'm so done with you!

Don't hurt those children! Don't make them blue! Stop what you are doing before you lose that chance to be a good Dad for them. Don't be mean to them because I'm done with you. Don't pepper them with questions, because I know you! I know what you do and how you are. The wind changes so much with you. Be a good person, start to love yourself. Be someone the kids can look up to. Start soon before it's too late! Look at us. Look at what happened. I didn't talk I couldn't talk to you. I'm so done with you. I'm done with the marriage... Move on and be happy...

I'm so done with you...

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