3/2009- I am reposting these entries for several reasons! For one, to reach out to someone in need, someone that maybe deciding to move on in their life and survive! My hope is that you take yourself out of the relationship in one piece all the other things you are leaving behind can be replaced! You can not! And if you factor in children they need you! They don't need just your memory, right now they need you...
This morning, M remembered many things, I've been asking the kids to share their memories, feelings and so on with me. Even if they just want to jot them down that's cool. I need to get them to counseling. When we were in Indiana we were on a waiting list as long as my arm. Since we still have coverage I'll attempt to find a counselor around here. You would think that would be easy. In my experience finding a counselor that specializes in children is hard. My sister mentioned that the local college may have something to offer so I plan on checking that out today.
M remembered his Father constantly calling me, always asking if I loved him and the result if I didn't give him the right answer, he remembered us not being allowed out past dark, he remembers being afraid when his Dad was home. Feeling like he couldn't do anything right and despite trying his hardest everything was always wrong. The girls chimed in as well with similar memories and similar feelings. It's going to be a long road, but they are still young enough that this can be repaired!
As for me let the deprogramming begin! When you are in a relationship with someone in a cycle of abuse you tend to be a co-deoendent. Just as in alcoholism, drug abuse, you fall into a very similar pattern. It was hard not to jump everytime my cell phone rang, it was hard not to return his calls and it was hard not to read the rantings he's posting on Myspace. Both my sister and a special friend recognize that it's not healthy to keep feeding fuel into the fire. Mandy took away my cell phone, and my friend suggested someone else view his blogs and to keep us updated if something is important.
Most important is to heal the kids and to heal myself. I've got to say that I am very blessed with a wonderful support system of people that love us! Positive loved ones that guard us like fierce Mama and Papa bears! It has been encouraging for us to keep pushing and striving forward. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off ourselves.
Things we need to work on are-
Our insecurities about loving others, the kids feel cautious about new people in our life. Understandably they don't want to get hurt physically or emotionally again.
Self esteem issues-
When you feel as though you have been pushed down constantly it's hard not to believe that you are a worthy person. I have always told the kids that they are beautiful, worthy of love and a rich life filled with happiness and joy. It's still hard to believe that when someon is putting you down. I know myself I have issues with this. He would tell the kids they were stupid, idiots, never going to amount to anything, or my favorite they will end up like their mother. There for awhile I felt so low! I didn't understand why.
I was on Zoloft for a time in 07 and 08. I was pushed and put down so much I have to admit that I did feel suicidal. R constantly told me I was such a perfect bitch that never did wrong. Funny he was a contradicted himself so many times, one minute I could not do anything right the next I was perfect. One particular time he pushed me out the doorway, with me hanging onto the door jam fingers dug into the wood, I have a mark on my back that is a reminder from the door frame scrapping against my bra and back. I remember him screaming and yelling at me telling me what a horrible mom and wife I was. He yelled at me to go walk in front of a truck, that I was worthless and a lousy person. He told me I couldn't do anything right, I couldn't even *uck. And I only good on my knees and that I even was lousy at that. I could see the kids in the background crying, J was wanting to go to me but M held her back they were all crying. A was whimpering on the stairs. Just in the blink of an eye I was shoved out the door. He bent my fingers backwards to get me out of the door, I was banging on the door crying, it was raining and cold. I had no shoes on, no coat, I was out in jeans and a shirt. I had no phone, no money and I would be damned if I was going to leave my kids in there with him! I headed to the car and was grateful that I had left the van unlocked and my spare set of keys in there as well. I'm very forgetful at times but thank goodness this was one of those times.
My body hurt all over, my back felt as though it was on fire in the area of the scrape. My neck hurt as he placed me in a head lock, I noticed my lip was a little tore. I don't remember that! It seemed to happen so quickly. I crept in quietly I was so cold! The house was quiet. He turned off all the lights, the dog was even hiding! The poor dog was terrified of him!
I walked up the stairs and the bedroom door was closed, I walked as quietly as I could to the kids rooms, the girls were still up crying and they got more upset as I walked to them. He had told them I wasn't their Mom anymore and I was going to kill myself. And if they talked to me he wouldn't talk to them again. He told them I was abandoning them and didn't want them.
I held them and kissed them, gently telling them to keep quiet and try to calm down. Mom's not going anywhere without them! I went to M's room and he was equally upset but he didn't want me to get into anymore trouble so I kissed him and went to open our bedroom door.
R was on his side. I knew he wasn't asleep. As soon as he spoke I jumped about 5 ft in the air! He was so calm, he asked if I was ok, he asked me why did I drive him to do these things? Why I just couldn't love him and get along. That he would take care of me and make me a trophy wife. He said many women would love to be treated like the queen he was treating me as. I couldn't help but feel so knotted up inside. I just wanted to take the kids and run. I didn't. I stayed longer, this was in I'm thinking March of last year. I remember there was still some snow on the ground.
I wasn't thinking right, I knew in my heart I wanted to leave. But he was so convincing. He ran my shower and said no one will love you like I do. No one will want you and no one will ever treat you as good as I do. Inwardly I laughed but at the same time I thought I was losing my mind. How can this be?
He gave me my last Zoloft as the next day I didn't take anymore. I couldn't take those pills anymore, I needed my facilties to be on the ball. I didn't want to remain married. Situations like this went on and on for months. I would tell him I wanted out and the outcome would be bad. I stayed, I planned, I worked out things in my head to leave. I couldn't keep the kids in this house! I wanted out even more! I was so tired and worn out. I had prayed for years for my husband to turn himself around. But he never was able to completely do so. He needed help that I couldn't give him, he needed help that I couldn't force him to get and I needed out. I couldn't stay and my love for him had long ago vanished.