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Brook, IN, United States
Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Trying to find peace during the turbulance

It's a little after 8 am. I tossed and turned all night. My stomach is tied up in knots and is queasy. I feel defeated in many ways. Why? Over the past 3 days I have been going back and forth with the Guardian ad Litem about my marriage and our children.  He called for a meeting between my STBX and myself later this week. A meeting that I turned down last night after talking with a close friend, who was astounded the GAL would seem to be nonchalant and so casual about this meeting despite my Order of Protection.

Background:

I filed for divorce from my marriage of 17 years. These 17 years were filled with anxiety, mental/verbal and physical abuse. Ask family members and they will tell you they knew something was going on. Close family saw the scars or heard first hand from the kids about things that went on under our roof.

Several events led up to my leaving for the 3rd and last time. I had no regrets, I tried in vain to keep it going. I couldn't do it. I was losing my hair, I had a baby ulcer starting, my family physican took me aside on several occassions to ask what was wrong. Though I said nothing, I am not a good liar.

My STBX made it clear early on that he would not stop until I was left with nothing. No custody of the kids, nothing from the house, nothing. It's all he said, she said now. All the bruises, all the shouting we endured, and all the name calling, all the bad memories from my marriage are now he said/she said. I have no proof but 1 picture I have my sister in law took back in 2007. I have one affidavit from a family member that my STBX planned to kill me. My STBX's response now? If I was going to hurt her I would have done that already?

SERIOUSLY?!

I told my attorney I want nothing but these things, most of which was destroyed or sold by STBX. Some of the items were things that were taken from my then safe place at my sister's place. I had planned on moving and STBX had taken it upon himself to help himself to my clothes, books, cd's, and a handful of jewelry.
My attorney said no you need to ask for more, take his pension, doesn't he have a savings? What about the house?

I wanted OUT! I did not want the house! I did not want his pension or savings! I had a list of 20 odd things or so, including the other items taken. That's it! I even left my wedding band when I left. I didn't keep them.
I want a divorce that's all. I want to be left alone from this man, who continues to remind me that he is my "Your husband". I could go on and on. I have enough emails from my STBX and sadly my son that are rude, scary, and mentally unstable.

I lost my attorney due to his leaving and since I lost my job I could not pay him. Though in my Provisionaly Order my STBX is supposed to pay, that's a laugh. It didn't happen. I knew it wouldn't.

I agree there are 2 sides to a story. I wish more then a amicable divorce but, STBX was labeled off the record, sadly was Psychotic, Depressed, Manic, Intermitten Explosive disorder, Borderline Personality, Anxiety and a few more things.

Of course it doesn't seem to matter now. I may lose custody of my girls or they may have over nights with him and their brother. I am all for them healing and seeing one another, IF my STBX was mentally stable and he is not. I emailed a handful of relatives in hopes of getting some insight, also perhaps they could share their experiences on paper and also give me a character witness.

The girls, they are happy here. Do they miss their Dad and brother? In some ways, they just don't want to be hit, called names or have to clean the house. Oh the last one is funny right? No it's not, my STBX has a warped sense of house cleaning, the girls will be maids. Not my words, my oldest daughter said so. I relish the idea of my STBX stepping up and being a good father to them. I pray for that! I have no problem with them seeing them, IF they were safe.

I pray for a good end to this mess.
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** I had asked the GAL if I was incorrect in stating there is nothing we can do about finalizing the divorce until our June 15th court date. I have pasted his response down below, but you have to understand we have been emailing over 20 emails back and forth for the past few days. My silence is making it sound as if I am not compliant. I livid in many ways at the tone of this, feeling as though I am getting my hand slapped. I want nothing more then a divorce and some harmony, but again my STBX is unstable and very good at making himself appear smooth and cunning. Custody of girls is what I want. I don't listen to calls either. STBX walked out of calender planning because if he could not see girls his way he did not want to see them. I could go on and on...**

You are correct!!!  The next hearing is June 15, 2011. But nothing will happen on that day if you and *** do not have an agreement on some things St least.  So I will spell out for you both the basic issues concerning the case:
1.  Is your marriage irretrievably broken?? If yes, your marriage can be dissolved. My guess is that the answer is yes. Then, why should the two of you wait until June 2011. The fact that you are still married seems to me to be a "bone in everyones side". There is no finality On this issue.
2.  Your recent child is not ***'s according to your joint admission
That fact needs go be spelled out in the decree. Again , there is no disagreement on this point.  You both agree. Why put that off
3.  There is the question of who will have custody of the three children
Born of your marriage.  The only scenario that is workable from my viewpoint is that son stays with Dad. That us where he has been   That is what he wants !
There is little likelyhood that he wants to move in with you. He is Angry. The two girls wanted to be with you.  I have not heard from them at all.  Do either of you know if they have changed their mind?
If not them that question is resolved!
4.  Everyone seems to wants to do more analysis concerning what is best fir   I suspect there have been some frustrations since April but how has son done ?
In school?  Would he have done better with Melinda?  No one knows?  One thing is certain
He is bitter and angry St Melinda!
Just read his emails recently. So, what do you both want to do?  Subject him to further uncertainty or give him some stability in that he would know that he willReside with his dad. That is what he clearly wants
5.  If he lives with dad then dad will responsible for his medical Nd mental health. I am talking about who he would see and when not who would pay.  There is no way thatthe two of thou could ever be involved in joint legal custody of son. One personsould have sole physical custody and make all of the health care decisions.  As it relates to son that person should Be dad. Remember, son can tell the magistrate who he wants to live with. Do either if you really doubt what he will say ad to who he wNts to live with??  If not then why are you  putting off this decision on his custody??
6. Regarding when and if son will visit with Melinda leave that up to him. Right now he is bitter and frustrated. He does not want to  visit with you Melinda because he believes that you are doing things to hurt his dad. Well, you two are still married and he is upset with your new relationship. I believe that if you were divorced it might be less upsetting. There would be finality. You would no longer be married. Over half if the marriages end in divorce. This is not uncommon.
7.  Apparently the two of you will Never be able to sit down and discuss your children and their problems. But do not use them as messengers nor sounding boards as to why each of you is bothering the other.  Let dad be responsible for son and Melinda be responsible for the two girls.  Is this not the way that they will orient as they reach and go thru puberty And adolescence ?? Do not try to buck what occurs in the developmental stage.
8. Son did not want to be told that he had to visit melinda!!!  The girls wanted to visit their dad
9. Is it either of your opinion that Dad will physically or mentally
Hurt or abuse son or the two girls?? Is it either of your opinions that Melinda will physically or mentally abuse sonor the two girls?  If not the let the children reside where they told  me they Wanted to live!!!
10.  The kids want to communicate with each other. Since son does not want to visit or see Melinda that visitation would have to  of you be at Dad   And let them talk On the phone!
11.  The two of you need to end the marriage. Move on. You cannot communicate so  why put off the inevitable. By procrastinating and waiting and hoping for someone else to decide what to do, you
Need to do it yourself
12.  Child supportcause will be a mathematical computation.  Dad
Would have Son and Melinda the two girls. Because Sonwill not visit with Melinda she would get no credit for overnites. Dad would get this credit since I am assuming that the girls would overnight at Dads house if for no other reason than they would like to see their brother. At their present ages they are more interested in their siblings. But girls find it easier to discuss crrtAin things with their mother and the same applies to boys and their fathers !!!
13.  What I am saying now is what your kids told me a while ago!!
No....based upon sons e mails to me I do think the core subject of what bothers him has changed. He feels that you melinda are out to destroy his dad. He hears this sentiment from someone.. He does not like it and therefore he doesnot like you!!  There is nothing  that could be done to change this other that total reconciliation.  I do not see that happening and in reality neither do the two of you.  The birth of the baby while you two were married is harder for a male to accept. I would offer a guess that the girls have less problem with the birth and child. This us their motherly instinct in it's formative stage. But for a male to be upstaged by a male while the marriage  still intact is tough for a male to deal with!!  Melinda..he is not old enough to see it as anything other than a slap in the face if his dad!!he does not comprehend your lack of any feeling toward his dad..  In reality He would like the two of you to be a family. He doesnot plume this uncommon situation.  It bothers him!!
14.  So what else is there to service??  Only who gets what property and who takes what debt?  I have no advice nor will I offer An opinion on that split??
15.  Without lawyers to lead the way you will spin your wheels and accomplish nothing before June 11 other than to aggravate each other, excite your children over the uncertainty.  My dad always said that you have two choices in any situation:  do something or do nothing. You jointly control you fate.
16.  Each of you wants someone else to get the other to solve you mutual problem rather than solving it yourself.
17. No I cannot cancel the fear of dad that Melinda puts on the table nor can I counter dads argument that melinda is trying to destroy him.
18.  I put forth my observations
From the standpoint of your children. They want stability. They do nit have it ad long as thus divorce remains unsettled. This thing can drag on for ever!!  You can wait 6 months to have a pretrial and another year for any more a trial date. If you want to end this then agree on something.  Do not let this marriage and it's termination fester   any more.

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