Broken hearts and dreams

It’s hard to imagine starting a new life once you have left your abuser. Your heart is shattered.

Your dreams of a long relationship lay scattered on the ground and you feel that your whole life is just a shambles! Mr/Ms Wonderful made promises of change. Or promises of a long life together.

What do you do now?

I’ve blogged about this in the past. Picking yourself up once you have left is a tough thing to do!

Honey! You’re preaching to the choir!

Look around you, over-looking the wet and dried tissues that are are all over the place. Wipe those eyes. Throw some water on your face and make a list.

Where do you want to go?

What do you want to do with your life?

How can you move on?

What will I do for money or a job?

What are your dreams?

Finding yourself again after a break-up is a tricky thing and toss in the fact that you left an abusive situation the mix may still seem like a scene taken from The Springer show. A “normal” separation is one that you divide up the kids, stuff and move on. With an abusive relationship the other partner may NOT want to let go.

He/she may continue to stalk you. He/she may continue to harass you by texting/emails. He/she may still try to hurt you by intimidation or further abuse (Verbal/Physical). It can be very hard to think of moving on with the continued drama.

You ask, “Seriously?! Woman what are you smoking!?”

You can do it! You can live a “NORMAL” life again.

You may have to break some habits created by the relationship(s) you were just in. Starting over is just that! Beginning again! Clean slate! 

Re-invent who and what you want to be! Take those questions from above and start planning your new life! What do you want out of life? Are you living your life or just going through the motions? What can you do now to make what you want with your life?

After you have answered those questions above, call it homework, then start purging everything!

Whether it be the relationships with others that maybe toxic in your life (Your Ex’s friends or family)

Clean up your home. 

Memories are attached to many things around you. 

Starting new (If you can afford it) can help. From the bed you and your partner slept in together to the digs you stay in.

What about the food you eat? Do eat things that are good for you? Is the food you’re eating something you really enjoy or something you just adapted?

Are there things you use to clean you only used because he/she wanted you to? Personally, after I left I realized how much I hated the smell of Febreze. And I wouldn’t use it again!

Or what about the TV shows you watch. It has been almost 4 years since I have watched “The Simpsons”. It is something I watched because of my ex. 

What about your clothes? Do they make you feel good? Are they you or what your ex liked to see you in?

What bad habits do you have? Party too much? Drinking? Drugs? Food? Sex?

What have you become addicted to doing because of your ex?

Your make up? Your Hair?

The list can go on and on! It is quite amazing when you reflect back at the things you have or do because it became routine with your ex.Take a serious look at your life then and now. Pick up the pieces of your life. Your worthy! You’re a Survivor! 

Take baby steps! You can do it!

Positive mantras!

DARE TO DREAM!

DREAM BIG!

I'm not a big resolution person but I do enjoy making goals for myself. I have a Bucket List (See labels) more of a life long list. This year I deciding to do a "Goal list". Small steps! Not biting off more then I can chew! Nothing more disappointing then creating a goal list or resolution and not completing it!

So! Whether you are in a Abusive situation of some sort or if you were able to leave (throw out) your abuser, make this the year for you to begin again!

DO SOMETHING!

BE AMAZING!

Do something new/old- Dust off your camera, craft supplies or whatever your passion lies.

Learn something- Whether you always wanted to learn Spanish or perhaps you may have to learn self defense.

Do things that make you happy!

Include your child(ren) or pet(s) in your endeavor!

PLAY! Don't lose sight of finding a time to unwind or just play!

Ditch FB or other social media or computer and live in the real world. I can honestly say I lose track of how much time I spend on here. (Pinterest is so dang addicting!) I miss out on family time by surfing. Even if it is for a half hour. Step away from the computer!

Remind yourself YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO!

Create the life you want.

Throw out the tissue, pick up the pieces to your life and live!

What did you do before Mr/Ms Wonderful (Sarcasm) entered your life?

I am not advising party life. I've heard too many stories about survivors ending up back in the cycle of abuse because of someone they picked up at a bar or party. (Not always but this is my opinion due to others I've heard about and chatted with)

Surround yourself with those that will lift you up, encourage you and bring you happiness. Ditch the ones that cause you grief or craziness to your life.

Stand up for yourself, if need be with your ex's family and friends or your ex!

Don't give up! Stop making excuses for pushing it off!

Now I know your wondering what's on my list! Well, if your not I'm posting it anyway! BIG SMILE!

Read my Bible- At least 1 chapter a day- 1 book of the Bible a week
Pray more often- Get a prayer journal or notebook
Spend more time with my Love
More 1 on 1 time with my Lil' Squeezes
Play! Family game night
Read my daughter's stories
Exercise (3 to 5 times a week) Trouble right now since my back is out
Drop 10 lbs
Practice Self Defense
Practice shooting (my gun~ I do have a permit and need this for in case my ex comes too close)
Learn Archery
Learn to fish (I hate worms so this will be a big thing for me!)
Learn to gut something we catch
Rent a antique spot for all of my cool stuff!
Buy some storage units
Plan our garden
Order seeds
Order Bee's/Take Bee class first! (See a Dr about an Epi pen in case :) )
Order Buck-eye chicks
Order Lamb (s) *See my friends Mom about raising and other things
Take lots more family pictures!
Craft more! Finish my PH D (Projects Half Done)/Sew clothing! Finish crocheting my blanket!(A lady from church has been teaching me the stitches!
Take a First Aid course
Create a new vision board
Plan my Mom's herb garden
Tape my family history (Grandma)
ACTUALLY read books off my growing bookshelves and sell after I read or just sell others
Write my story!
Make Cheese/Yogurt
Pay off- Kids school book fee's/ Pay something on my student loan (Medical Assistant that I still didn't find a job doing~ GRRFACE!)
Do something off my Big Bucket list!
Learn electrical and woodworking!
Camp out side with the wee monkey (in the yard)

It seems kind of intimidating but these things are do-able!

Research whatever it is if you are unsure. Whether it's opening a business for the first time or leaving your abuser. It takes patience, planning and courage. You can do it! I'm cheering for you! Don't give up!

BIG HUGS
and
PRAYERS
on wherever your journey takes you!

Like an open sore...

That title conjures up some rather wicked thoughts and feelings. Even after almost 4 years, when a memory or talking about the past the emotions can still feel raw. It is not uncommon for me to find some humor in that past life.

Such as:

Warming up his plate before I plated it

Answering the phone and relaying the WHOLE conversation to him as it is happening

Getting him dressed in the morning and helping him undress in the evening

Bathing him

Warming his boots/shoes on a cold day

Pre-warming the bathroom before he had to leave for work

Why is this humorous now? I guess it's more unbelievable as well as ludicrous to think that I did those things.

But, sad at how feverishly and quickly these things (and other things) had to be done without error.

The kids remember random things from time to time that actually feel stinging to me. And not that they mean any harm but they cope differently then I.

They recently recalled driving in the car. In which many times I would get told to stop the car and pull over so he could drive. I apparently am a terrible driver (so he says).  Or they recall him pulling me out of the car by the hair or just screaming at me while I am driving. SIGH!

I need to write more but have to get moving. Please Dear Reader, if you are in an abusive situation, remember there is hope. There are resources available for you! Do it before it's too late! Any form of abuse is just that abuse. No matter if he/she lifts a hand on you or uses words. Love doesn't hurt!

Prayers and love for your safety and sanity!

Mel

Kids, Social skills and abuse

OK, so you bucked up, left Mr/Ms abuser. Now what?

Your nose and eyes are red, drippy and there feels as though there is no more tears that can possibly leave your eyeballs. You may have overflowing trash cans filled with wadded up tissues. You have used so many that you resort to toilet paper. Dishes in the sink, house a mess and if you have kids they may also be in disarray.

Your voice mail maybe over full with messages spouting apologizes, more promises of change and forgiveness. Perhaps you may even find a delivery of flowers on your doorstep! (Take them to the nearest nursing/Veteran home they LOVE these! Seriously!)

STOP!

If you have children, you are not alone in your misery and feelings. You aren't the only one that lost or left a broken relationship. Dig yourself away from bed or the house and talk to your kids. This is not only a confusing time for you but for them as well.

As time goes on there needs to be healing for all of you. While you may get the luxury of only dealing with your abuser at court or visitation, your child may have to see the abuser. Just because you leave doesn't mean your abuser stops being an ass. He/she may redirect abuse to your child. Playing mind games. "Don't tell Mom/Dad" or "It's a secret". The child may be confused, scared and not sure who to trust. Studies show that boys do side with the male and vice versa with girls of abuse.  I mentioned many times about leaving a paper trail, this doesn't end once your separated. Keep a log/diary/journal of how the visit with Mom/Dad went. Look at body language, attitude or for physical marks. I'm not saying every mark on your child is due to your ex- growing kids do have many boo-boo's. Note strange or out of place marks. If they are bad take pictures and report them to police!

If you notice your child suddenly not wanting to see your ex, try to piece together why. Perhaps your child that is potty trained starts wetting the bed or behavior seems out of the norm after a visitation notate, ask the child or siblings if they know something. Or as a friend that is also a Survivor did, ask them to talk to Pastor or someone they feel safe to talk to.

During the healing process you may notice changes in your child's behavior. Your once outgoing child may seem withdrawn or may suddenly not want friends. Favorite foods may become hated out of the blue. Sudden emotional outbursts are not uncommon.

I am currently dealing with 2 beautiful children (my own) that have developed phobias, socialization issues and an aversion about talking about past abuse. If you can find services in your area that offers counseling for abuse please take advantage! Breaking the pattern of abuse needs to stop with you! Help yourself and your child by joining a support group or seeking counseling.

Build up your child with positive words. Even when you feel like hiding from everything and everyone, remember you are not alone! Goggle or Pinterest social skills or interpersonal skills, great for the kids and you too!

Be safe! Stay strong and remember that ANY type of abuse is NOT love. Your not alone in your struggle. I'm cheering for you!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Living on the edge...

When you live with an abuser, you have a tendency to tiptoe through your daily life. Sometimes you feel as though you are on this great jagged cliff looking down~ Living on the edge.

Your stomach tingles. Your head may pound. You feel like your heart could pound out of your chest any minute!

When it's time to have your "beast" come home or wake up you just never know if it's going to be a great time or having to call the police or for an ambulance. A humiliating call to friends or family to say your ok or that your abuser is at it again. During those times I wished with my whole being to be rescued from the one that loved me. A desperate cry to anyone that would listen. Hot tears streaming down my eyes with an incredible feeling of dread and feeling paralyzed that there was no hope and no where to run.

Anywhere I went he would find me. 

Much has changed. We are not holding on to empty promises of change. No putting on appearances that we were a close knit nuclear family with no issues.

It's all good. Right?

It is. For the most part. There is that lingering feeling in my gut to stay focused on our safety. Sounds funny and even very dark. To tell the truth, it is creepy and unsettling. Got this a few days ago from my Gaslighter (he is not the best speller)-

Dec 4

I text the kids. Which I am sure they r not getting. Nice place needs a little work though. And nice wedding to.did not expect to see some people.

Robert A

AND

               

Dec 4

  

And believe me I understand that this is not just a way for you to say don't contact me I understand this is a way for you to start talking to me again. I read between the lines I know you better than anybody else and this is how you do things. there's no harm in wanting to talk with me . talk to me threw another name if you want. create another account somewhere and contact me that way. I understand how hard it is to tell the truth and admitt your wrongs Melinda. I know how hard it is to face the facts. and I know 1 of the main reasons you keep this anger going is because youre afraid of what I might do if you were to ever try to have come back. but the truth is I understand. I'm a lot more understanding and loving and caring and forgiving then you think I am or that you ever think I was. I know that you are the 1 that held out talking to me and that you had secrets and i understand that. and I know you'd rather tell a lie and run away rather than face the truth.but the truth is .the truth will set you free. Am I regretful about the past for somethings yes for a lot of things no. I'm glad to know the truth finally about what you did to matt and your affairs but now that I know the truth I can move on .we both can.I know you still love me and I remember when we where 16 .you told me you would do stupid things and maybe even try to run away in the future., but don't let me go. Dont leave me..well I wount and I didn't. I know I'm a different person I know I'm not the man I used to be. and you can try to crush me all that you want. I will still love you. Was I hurt yes as a matter of fact if this is what you want to hear you hurt me everyday .everyday I'm crushed I endore more pain and suffering than any man should have to .I am devastated beond any point that you can imagine and to be honest yes I do plan on seeking financial restitution for the damage and the pain and suffering and the continue suffering and pain that you and Terry cause me and Matthew on a daily basis. although I'm pretty sure matthew is already obtained his own lawyer to sue the both of you. they are actually keeping me in the dark on this 1. like I said I know that this email is nothing more than a way for you to start talking to me again. and I know you're not happy. and I know that it's not me you're unhappy with. if you truly wanted me out of your life you would let me see the girls. there would be no issues because you would not want the confrontation about it. but by keeping the girls away from us you almost guarantee the fact that we will have to talk again in the future. all I can say is I can forgive you and I'm sure we can move on if you wanted to. but I have nothing from you that says you want to be friends other than these little emails now and then. personally I have to wonder if you are being controlled a lot more than people think. I personaly think your life is not safe and you know matt would not be safe with terry and thats why you distroyed matt so he will not have to deal with terry and so you can make sure that he belives you and you and the girls will stay safe..i also belive that Terry is the reason why the girls do not come over. Maybe because he told u no or maybe because u know they would want to stay with me and that would displease your master ..melinda you can talk to me .

on anouther note and I really honestly think that short of you putting terry in jail for controlling you are forcing you to have that child.and in which case giving Matthew a reason to come to your defense I just don't see him ever dealing with you.of course Terry beating the life almost out of you might be enough ..Matt used to tell me ::ill except her back when she is back with and married and living with u dad.but he doesn't even say that anymore. And to tell you the truth I have just stopped trying to get him to forgive u.I pray it will happen. But I fear it will not..love you always and forever your husband from Christ. Robert

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really have no idea what he is talking about in much of this. If you have followed my blog you know that my ex is a NARC/Gaslighter/Psychopath. He suffers from mental illness according to several therapists/Psychiatrists. Though I can't say that. I believe (and know) he gets a thrill/rush from being in charge (He is a Foreman in the construction field). As for my son, I miss him but realize that he has to do what he needs to do to survive. So, if it means to be a cheerleader for his dad then that is what he is. I pray that when he is old enough to get away and has time to think that we can someday have a relationship.

To anyone that is looking inside the madness of an abusive situation, the whole matter can seem puzzling to you. Why would anyone want to be treated that way?! Why would anyone allow a person to beat on them, call them names or harm they're children?! Stepford wife?

No.

It's conditioning. It's slow and you don't even realize it's being done to you. You question your self constantly. As time goes on it becomes so easy to believe the things your abuser does to you and your family. You become conditioned to believe there is no better. You are his/hers. There is no one else. Or all others will do worse to you. Abuse can be just words, which I believe sometimes cut so deep that they can be worse then getting beaten. Mind games, physical or sexual abuse are just as bad. But, in many cases until you totally make the leap out of the relationship you can't realize how many forms of abuse you actually suffered. This can take months or years to discover! It can be very eye opening as well as unfathomable that you survived. It all seems surreal to me. I probably say that so too many times, but it's the truth!

I read some post once about a woman that was looking for advice about being in an abusive relationship and most of the responses were actually bashing the woman instead of the abuser! One woman wrote that she should have read a book about abuse before she got into the relationship (Lundy Bancroft). HUH?!

Hindsight is 20/20. If she knew then what she knew now...

Once again, if you know someone that is being abuse please listen. Sometimes that is all one needs. Don't bash the abuser while speaking with your friend. Your words can backfire and she/he can empathize with the abuser and turn on you!

Offer a plan to help the victim find safety. Listening is all good but there comes a time when you may have to say "Enough already!", while rolling your eyes at your friend. She needs some reassurance, kind words to know that it can be ok. And she may need to know she has somewhere to go when "She" knows it's time to take the leap to leave. Help her stay strong. You may need to start gathering the information for police, Pro-Bono attys, counselors, DV advocate, shelters or housing.

When you are in the moment, living day to day in fear, the hardest thing can be to think straight about where you are going after you leave. Please view previous posts about Safety or leaving your abuser for ideas and tips about how to plan for leaving a volatile situation. Remember to protect yourself in these matters as well. One never knows how the abuser will act towards anyone helping the victim. Stay strong and positive. 

BIG HUGS to you!
Mel

Are you positive?!

Recovering from abuse is a super long road.

Days can go by where I feel suddenly overcome with memories and feelings. Still trying to repair my spirit and stay safe where we live. I would love to share so many things about where we are and going's on. But for the sake of safety as many of you understand.






I have been finding joy in so many little things that I never was able to appreciate fully.

Sunrise and set
Going to church
Being late from time to time (I don't make a habit of being late 5 to 10 mins I don't sweat it anymore)
Reading
Relaxing
Lounging
Showering when I want to (I don't have to at night if I don't want to)
I can EAT what I want when I want!
My children
Being happy
Being able to try new and different things without criticism
Decorating how I want to
Having a friend/partner/Help meet
Laughter everyday
Chickens! Love these critters but they aren't pets. They are for food/eggs. I don't dress them up or call them pet names. 
Gardening
There is more but I won't bore you!

I still miss my son terribly. He turned 17 a few weeks back. The girls sent him an e-card and this is the reply was mean spirited. I shared they received a message but did not share with them the content, but that it was negative.

We have not received child support on a regular basis. I heard he is still working for cash. He is well over $5,000 behind but nothing is being done by the court or my attorney. They would rather sweep it under the rug because they don't want to deal with him.

Also, I haven't took the girls back to counseling since June. I was informed by my attorney I could serve jail time or the girls can be taken away from me due to withholding "court ordered" therapeutic counseling. HUH?! I scratched my head... It frustrates me that my ex could get away with hiring someone to kill me, breaking numerous restraining orders, not doing what the court asks and not paying child support but somehow I'm the one that can face jail or lose the girls?! How does this make sense.

I took the girls to counseling for a few sessions. Alex opened up about several memories that were about leaving the bathroom door opened when she showered and how uncomfortable it made her.
Jess was closed mouth this time. She felt jaded for having to go to the mental ward back in June for suicide. She said she entertained the thought but didn't really want to do so.
 
Everyday is a new adventure, no not perfect. To name a few things, I still am unemployed and actively looking (pestering my FB friends to help me). I have a terrible bug bite that looks so nasty right now. I still have back pain and was turned down for disability. My life in the past is surreal, as though it happened to another person. Stay positive! Hard to say and do I know. Finding joy and happiness is what we as humans crave and desire and dare I say if you weren't hugged enough as a child or during your life, it seems one longs for love and closeness. Create the life you crave. (legally of course)

Surround yourself in things that remind you of being strong or empowering you. Create a Vision/Wish board (Inspiration/Prayer board) with old magazine and glue or find pictures on the web that remind you of positive thoughts. Remember you are worth happiness, joy and eventually love with another (worthy of a wonderful person such as yourself!). Pray! Meditate! Listen to positive music. Find positive people to hang with. Get rid of negative thoughts, people or things. I have made many posts on this subject and I hate to sound like a broken record but it is so important in healing! Do things that "You" like to do. Or try something you always wanted to do. Share with loved one's. Kids can do these things too! It can help them in the healing process too!

Giving you big hugs! It's my birthday today so I'm needing to give some time to my hubs and little one right now. Here are several pictures to get you started!

Oh and finally...

Love you always and forever

"Love you always and forever" 

I have seen these words again over the last few days. 

3 text messages. A few lines saying "Good morning my Ladies" or "Sweet dreams my Ladies" and then "Love you always and forever". It's not tell my girls or tell the girls Good night or Good morning or even tell the girls I love them... He says "my ladies" and "Always and forever".

Why does that creep me out? Why can't he let me go?

I thought I didn't leave the house because I love this wonderful place. OK, that is part of it. But deep down I don't want to bump into him. I don't want to take the chance. 

I am still jumpy. I still cringe and feel a panicky feeling when I see a vehicle that looks like his.

Let me go.

Me and the new Hubs (Terry)

Move on with your life. I want to enjoy this second chance of living a beautiful life. 

It's been over 3 years.

 I still miss my son. He's going to be 17 in a few weeks. I'm sure we are strangers to one another. I miss him terribly. I don't believe we can have a decent relationship until he is away from his dad. 

My daughter,Jess, threw me for a loop a few weeks ago by asking to maybe live with him for a month at a time. Or to see him without Supervised Parenting Time. I was blown away! I was not angry. I was hurt and confused. I didn't/don't understand. After all they have been through!

Alex and I were shaking our heads. I was definitely not inputting her reasoning. She talked to Terry and he helped her understand the reason why we don't talk to him unsupervised. And the importance of me avoiding any type of situation that could put us in harms way. Of course I can not afford to send them to the therapy they need because the "ex" is still behind in support. He has yet to file his income tax return and he complains to those around him that I haven't gotten the girls to therapy. I have to come up with 10% of the cost to send them. (not my idea and I really was ticked off when the Magistrate said I would have to) Since I have no job or prospects for one yet, I rely on the support for the girls medical bills, clothing, school books and fee's. He's a bit over $5,000 behind now. 

I don't understand why he has not been arrested. I have repeatedly asked my attorney why. And all he can tell me is that it is not worth putting him in jail. HUH?! Putting him in jail will not help get his support paid. It's such a little amount. HUH?! So, the man can keep getting paid cash at his job and not pay for his obligations and it's OK?! And he is still texting me even though the court said not to text or contact me unless it's an emergency or else. 

I don't get it. 

I'm at a loss. 

I know I'm caught in a cycle of healing. I know he is caught in a pattern of being a Narc, Gaslighter, Psychopath, Abuser, Violent, Mentally unstable... Whatever you want to label him. I have no intention on getting on that wild scary ride again. I don't miss crazy.

I'm desperate to move far away. To get away. To just put us all in the car and leave where I don't feel worried about the dark. I don't feel worried about going anywhere to run an errand. Where no one knows us or him. Where I can truly start over again and feel free. Oh, I know I have my decree and I'm free. I have been free physically for almost 4 years come Feb next year. But emotionally and mentally I'm held bound by memories and old fears.

Let me go...