Absolving Abuse- Life after the Darkness of DV

Jun 23, 2010

Absolving Abuse: Life after the Darkness of DV

I read alot of the articles I post here of course, the hard hitting fact (no pun) is that the effects of DV or any other type of abuse has long and devasting effects! I myself have many times where I just cry, out of the blue just cry. This week has been particularly hard for me where I have had a few panic attacks.

I am blessed to have Terry but on the flipside I do not want to burden him with anymore drama. Which is not the right thing to do. I am free enough to share my inner most thoughts with him but yet I hesitate, I stop myself from doing so. On one hand I do not want to be hurt either physically or emotionally or mentally, so I keep a shield up. I know I do this and feel terrible for doing so. My self esteem is in the toliet, feeling unworthy of anyone to love me, feeling undeserving of happiness and feeling guilt for staying as long as I did and seeing the effects it has had on my children and family.

My self image is not the best. Years of hearing how fat I was or what a terrible person I was keeps creeping out from the corners of my mind. I know it's not true but yet conditioning for years has pushed these things to the forefront of my mind.

I recalled a time when I desparately wanted to be a "Good Girl" and not do any wrong. It does not matter the circumstances of the incident the fact of it is that I was fine. He sadly has a condition that needs strict therapy. I do not ever see him changing. The chances of that are so rare. I pray that my son will not keep going on the path he is.
My son called last nite at 10 pm, Terry answered the phone and my son asked to talk to his sisters. Terry informed him that they were in bed. My son argued with Terry and cursed at him. Terry hung up, and my son called the house 2 more times, each time with nasty words.

That is not my son! I feel as though I have lost him but I do pray that he will see the truth and remember why we left his Dad. Not for the reasons his Dad has conjured up in his mind, but for the real reasons.

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Absolving Abuse:

Life After The Darkness Of Domestic Violence
Being a victim of domestic violence can make you feel so isolated. What do you do the morning after you've left him? How do you handle the nightmares that continue months after it's over? Will you ever be yourself again?

Some people will blame you. Others will pity you. There will be support and interrogations and everyone who knows will have an opinion. But, at the end of the day, when you lay down, it will just be you. And how you feel and what you think about yourself is what matters.

Don't Turn Away!
You have been beaten. The bruises will fade and time will pass but that does not mean that this terrible thing that has happened to you will disappear. If you shut the door on this pain today, it will be waiting in the dark later. You are injured. Domestic violence damages both internally and externally. You need to aim for a healing process that incorporates your whole person.

Begin with the internal struggle. This may be a lonely time no matter how many friends and family and supportive measures there are around you. Go inside of yourself and find out what you need to do to heal your heart. What hurts the most? How can you start to rebuild your wounded soul? Where can you get help and what type of help will be best for you?

Often, victims of domestic violence bandage their cuts and fractures and try to forget that they have been beaten. Once they are out of the protective shelter or the abusive person is out of their lives they turn their backs on what has occurred.
You are at a crossroads. This is where important life affirming changes can be made. This is a place where you can learn to value yourself again.

Know Your Options
Domestic violence is a crime that affects a complete person. Your body and soul have been wounded. There are a number of traditional and non-traditional ways to help yourself. Group therapy is a great way to get in touch with others who have had similar experiences. Others that understand the pain of being battered are less likely to judge you. This could be a forum for the release of the ugliest moments.

Individual counseling can be equally helpful. Some people are more comfortable in a one on one setting. A personal counselor can provide more specialized therapy because they are focused on you. Maybe there are some issues besides the domestic violence you want to work on.

If you don't feel comfortable at one group therapy session or with one therapist, try another one. So many people give up on therapy because they don't like their initial experience. Be willing to try out several counselors if necessary. Therapy can be extremely beneficial for domestic violence victims.

Practicing yoga can help you get in touch with you inner and outer strength. Yoga works to center the mind and body. Powerful breathing techniques and relaxing poses can have a calming effect. You can join a class or practice in the privacy of your own home.

Take a self defense class. Domestic violence can make you feel powerless. Self defense techniques can help you feel more in control and powerful. As well as increase your feeling of safety.

Do something that you love. Do you love to paint? Work with children? Cook? Domestic violence victims need to be reminded of their beauty. Remember what you love and do it. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Work at a day care center.

Domestic violence is an isolating crime. The less alone you feel the more hopeful your outlook will be. Do not be afraid to socialize. Everyone is not out to hurt you. Some people are nice, decent human beings. Don't let the monster that hurt you ruin the rest of your life.

You can survive domestic violence. It won't be easy but there are steps you can take to heal the inner hurt.

Remember that you are the one who counts. You are the one who has to be able to look in the mirror and smile.

http://www.savvy-women-magazine.com/Lifestyle/readers-story-domestic-abuse.php

The incredible journey of me!

Repost from 7/24/2010

You've come a long way Baby!

This has path has been filled with many up's and down's! I can not believe how far me/we have come. Now I am not making millions or anything like that, but my life is so much richer now then it ever has been before. The chances to start over or to start life is amazing. Happiness comes along when one least expects it. I see now taking a chance is a wonderful thing.

I've stopped on a few occassions to stop the pity party just to open my eyes and thank God for the wonderful things happening in my life and the wonderful people placed in my life!

The little one that neither of us planned has been a very wonderful blessing!

The Lady's at work blessed me with a baby shower!

Judy, Lynda, Lisa, Suzanne, Christina, Sandy and Lauren has given me many baby things!

I've gotten some sage advice from many new positive people I have met over the past year... My 2 sisters, Peggy, Kim, Lisa, Kristy, Beth,Terry D., Babe, Roberta, Lynda,Brian, Lesile, Michelle, Laura, Beth and Will to name a few.

I have been blessed with a man that loves me and the girls to pieces! Without him I don't know where I would be. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time but boy oh boy, God loves to throw you a good thing when you are least looking for it! I did do 10 wishes and I will be darned if I didn't get 2 of them sooner then expected.

The world is my oyster! Through the dark clouds there are silver linings, oh I still stumble, I still am haunted in some ways by memories, but Terry noticed they are getting fewer apart. No more crying out or wimpering in the middle of the night (I didn't realize I did that!). My panic attacks are much better, I do have times when I do still feel sorry for myself. Especially now due to my growing belly!

The girls are so much better now then they were a year ago! Alex is such a ham and Jess is working on not mothering so much. We gave her an order to just be a kid and she learning to do so. Both seem to be working on their memories as well but they each handle them differently. They miss their brother and I do too, but that is still not safe for myself and Terry. I pray about this relationship between the 3 of us. I know it would be a very long time before we can trust him.

School has been a blessing as I am realizing I am doing ok. I had reservations about going back but I am excited and can not wait for school to end so I can find something I want to do. I am excited as well about becoming a Doula! I've always loved to fly by the seat of my pants!

The issue of Domestic Violence is still a strong thing in my life and voicing it to others will more then likely be something I will advocate for a long time! Reaching out to others that were in a bad relationship even if it is just for coffee will be something I enjoy doing. Though lately I am afraid I need to catch up with someone!

Thank you all for your support and kindness!

I have done so many things in this short period of time. I've been able to stop and look at things around me and just say thanks Lord for all I have and for his protection, strength and grace and I know He is walking with me!

How does it go?

Repost from 7/2010- I am moving my earlier posts from myspace to blogspot.

I'm not quite sure the tune. Too many thoughts get in the way. It can be hard to remember how to put my best step forward and to not stumble at times. This mad adventure I am on is definately not how I saw that it would go. I expected it to be faster, not easier, nothing is easy. Not anything in life. Not at all.

I kind of wish I had a magic wand at times, to wipe away tears, to change disappointment to happiness and to make things go right. Oh that sounds like a Walgreens commercial for "Perfect". There is no perfect love, no perfect person, no perfect relationships and it can be a hard thing to find a happy ending. There is almost always some load of brown piles dead smack in the way of the trail you are on.

I swear at times God has a sense of humor. I scratch my head and wonder. I can picture Him up there smiling down at me and shaking his head while he watches my antics. Almost comical but in a warm loving manner. Mouthing "I told you so!", but in a Fatherly way.

I rarely get alone time and that's ok. I have alone time on my way to work and school. Oh I do the dishes to clear my mind of any trash or worries that fill my head. I think I have said it before, I can't change my circumstances or life easily but washing dishes, cleaning house, changing my hair color or taking a walk is something I can control. When everything else seems so darn haywire I can always do those things...

Things I have learned while going through my divorce-

It's not easy when you have man that is unstable

Legal land is a long process that takes even longer if you have an unstable spouse

There is no glory in divorce no matter what the situation

There are hurt feelings all the way around during a divorce

Finding out you are preggers while you are divorced is not fun at all takes the process longer in Legal land (though I am sincerely grateful I am being able to have another chance to have this little blessing)

Divorce costs more then your sanity, it charges by the hour

No matter how petty the situation is the tendency of your STBX is to totally blow it out of proportion and you remember one of the reasons you are leaving this person

Supervised visitation... If I could do it over again I would have made sure I put my foot down and said I would do it the place they suggested so not to put undue stress on my in-laws and everyone else involved

I would stand firm with my Order of Protection and no matter what the situation I would have not said anything that could be taken out of context

I do have to laugh about a few things I have heard recently it just reminds me how happy I am to be out of that situation
And no Darlin, the kids don't have to call you! The judge said you can call anytime you like. They are not chained at home and have a tendency to be out with Terry (Yes that man that you come so much to bash, send threats to) or out with family. Imagine that! We are actually moving on! We are actually trying to pick up the shattered pieces of ourself and be happy. Astounding! What a revelation! Sadly our son is caught up in this and hopefully he will come around when he is older. I miss him. His dimples and silly smile. I miss his jokes even though they didn't make sense at times. His hugs and that boyish charm when he batted his eyes at me playfully. I miss the man he's becoming. That makes me sad amongst other things right now.

Despite it all there will be a rainbow at the end of this crazy rainbow. There will be a time when I can look back and just laugh my bottom off and it does seem so very far fetched and out of the realm of reality now. I do know in about 5 years from now I will laugh... One can dream can't she?

Pieces of us- Repost 5/2010

Over time there comes a point when enough is enough. One person can only tolerate just so much. You break, you then decide what to do, whether it means leaving physically,mentally or emotionally. You break free. You tire of the pieces of your life that slowly get chipped away.

Slowly your spirit gets weaken and you feel the need to escape. Running away in daydreams, or at night in your sleep. There comes a time when one needs to leave the abuse, the torment and the bitterness. Waves of emotion rocked me so many times, I sucked down so many tears.

Small things have came out in my children, I hear fears, excuses and see habits that need to be broken. Much of my own problems or issues take a back seat to those of my children. Their needs are so greater then my own.  Hearing how they saw things that transpired during the years we were all together breaks my heart. They had a different view at how our family worked, and it's not very pretty. It causes me to feel embarssment as well as sadness that these are their childhood memories. Oh there are times when they share a funny story or they recall a fun time, but more often then not it is not always a pleasant memory.

I see now why they are like they are in the little things they do. The ticks and habits they have. The defense mechanisms like a deer in headlights during signs of a challenge or trouble. It's almost as though a shield goes up and I, myself have found that I do the same thing. Shutting up like a clam at times or just seeing myself go into my own little world. This I see in my girls. It doesn't make me proud. I feel ashamed that I had a large part in the things that have made them what they are. I take responsiblity in these things. I think I posted before on the coulda, woulda, shoulda's , as well as the choices I have made.

I can't do anything about any of that now, but now I see that as chance to turn things around and in short time we have been away from STBX I have seen the girls change by leaps in bounds, both in manners and daily challenges.It helps that I have a great person that is my Helpmeet to encourage all of us and to take us as we are. We were and still are in some ways a broken bunch. Despite all the baggage that came with me, he has stuck at my side. I can't imagine ever coming so far without his love and friendship. Any set back or emotionally meltdown that we have had, he has helped pick us up and wipe our tears.

I consider me very lucky! In many circumstances there are women/men that do not have this. They may end up either going back to their abuser, or back in a cycle of attracting someone that is just like the person they left or worse. I also had a great family support, my sisters' and Dad were very helpful and great at helping the whole separation to fruitation. I never would have had the guts to leave again if it had not been for them. The first 2 weeks was very devasting, and not because I was heart broken due to the separation. It was the fear that he would hurt the kids and I. As it was he was calling 30+ times a day, hanging up, begging that he would get help or he would change. Many of the things that I heard so many times during our marriage. This would last for a day, week,or a month only to have the other shoe fall and we would be back to square one again. Leaving the kids and I scared. The cycle went over and over... I grew tired of picking up the pieces of us.I was terrified that I would never see my children grow or that they would not live to see their next birthday.

Because I left does not mean we are free of STBX, he still plays mind games, he still tries to control us. I receive messages that are threatening or accusing in one form or another. I don't believe he will ever change, statistics show that many that are abusers never change, the percentage that does may relapse down the line. Very rarely does an abuser do a complete 180. In order to break this for future generations is to break the cycle and get help for the children of abusers or educating the victims/survivors so they will not go back or find another that will take advantage of them.This means building up the survivors self esteem that is more then likely in the toliet, feelings of inadequecies, feeling as though you are worthless or whatever mental attacks made by the abuser.This doesn't happen over nite, this may take months or years! The damage made happened over time or years, so must the recovery to find one's voice and self worth. It will happen!

5 days and counting until Independence Day!

WOW! I can not believe how time has flown by. 2 years! No final on the divorce and I am thrilled to say I have not heard from him lately (STBX- Soon To Be Ex). Court date is still in June, we have not done the Paternity test yet. Too broke! $500 to get it done, that is a big chunk for us to use right now, me without a job is not helping. On the bright side I had an interview on Friday of which I was asked to come back to shadow tomorrow. I also had a voice mail after church for an interview at Kohl's! WAHOO!

One way or another I will get a job this week, my eBay sales are ok not enough to pay the rent or utility bills but it does help for a small spurlge of lunch or dinner for us. Mad Money! I have been searching for past blogs and can not find them anywhere. I lost them somehow on myspace, so now I decided to look for the hardcopies around here. Wish me luck! I do have a previous post called "Living with a violent person" from 10/2009.

If you know someone dealing with abuse please feel free to email me. I will be happy to listen or point them in the right direction if they need help leaving. Don't be silent!

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Various things come to mind, oh they weren't all that bad, we did have many good times. There were times of hilarious laughter. Things that helped keep me praying, if we could just bottle that time or keep laughing like this then maybe...

Those times had gotten so few and far between that my sanity, let alone my safety was at stake. It had gotten to a point where I questioned so much about myself, being a good wife, mother, person in general. He was so good at manipulating my thoughts and actions I honestly thought I was a terrible person. I believed that I was wrong on so many levels on everything I did. I heard these things so often that I swore it was God's honest truth about me. I believed it... No matter how many books or videos or other self help things on improving myself I read I could never seem to live up to this ideal person he had for himself.

I felt very stupid, like the stupidest person on the planet for many reason, one because I stayed and allowed him to control me. Two because he reminded me that I was! Any self esteem as well as confidence I had were in the toliet. I viewed myself (and I'm still working on feeling better about myself) as a fat, ugly, and stupid person. Anytime I would get a compliment on anything about myself from someone outside left me embarassed and confused. I still get embarassed. I don't see myself as attractive in any shape or form. Beauty of course is in the eye of the beholder and that does make me happy. To know that someone out there takes me for me is very powerful and uplifting.

I'm reminded of that poster back in the 70's, God don't make junk! I leaned on the fact that I am important, I am loved and worthy of being loved. I mattered to those 3 kids that leaned on me to be strong, hold them up, and to be there when they needed me.
I jumped into the mix many times. I watched as he pulled their hair, slapped their faces, as he screamed at them so fiercely that spittle ran down his red face with his eyes bulging (spilt milk or some reason so trival it wasn't worth getting worked up about). I intervened as much as I could, I chased after him around the house as he chased the kids while he was worked up for no real reason but to be mean. I jumped in to take whatever he had to dish out to the kids. At this young age they should be concerned about going to slumber parties and hanging out with friends and not worried about if Dad is going to explode today.

Sneaking calls to me before he got home. Calling me in a panic if he went off on a tangent. Driven to the point where I was exhausted from being on guard while I slept, or during waking hours. Not wanting to leave the house because I couldn't trust if he was going to leave the kids alone or if he was going to go off. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Having my phone chirp and ring all the time because he wanted to know every little detail of what I was doing. It got to the point where I would just make up stuff because he had just called me 5 mins before and there were no changes.

How do you live with a mad man? Patience... Hope and prayer too! You begin to think this is normal. Doesn't everyone live like this? Doesn't everyone have some sort of issue like we do? No telling! It's no one's business so you keep quiet, plaster a smile on your face and pretend this doesn't exist. Pretend that you have the ideal family, that you are living the American dream of sucess, though there are struggles, no telling.

You live to survive, there's a point where you flash into survivor mode. You bring up defenses and just do what you are told to survive. Don't make waves, don't put up a fight. Whether it was out of feeling defeated or survivor mode that's what I did. I slipped into a state of blankness, just going through the motions. Remember I mentioned those little words and situations that make me remember?

I had that several times over the weekend. I remembered several things, cleaning up after he had relations with another. I remember laying in bed during relations praying for him to get done or for him not to touch me. I cried many times laying in a panic at bedtime. I was in a panic because many times I didn't want relations, I was in a panic because what if I fell asleep before he did (he would get upset), what if I didn't perform good enough? Many thoughts would run through my head at once, sometimes it got very noisy in there!

I scrambled in the morning to get his lunch and breakfast. Getting all flustered if I forgot something. I wrote notes, I plastered things on the door before he left, as I would go outside to load the truck and start his vehicle I wanted to remember things he needed. Hell's bell's if I forgot something he needed.  I dressed him, put on his socks, buttoned his shirts, helped him get his layers (if needed) on. I made him coffee or hot chocolate. I did what I could.

Many times the kids were not a witness to violent things that happened at nite or even in the morning. Luckily, I don't think I could look at them with a straight face due to being really embarassed. Embarassed that I was being treated like a dog, that I allowed it. That it seemed so natural and normal so it was ok. Knowing in my heart it wasn't, knowing in my heart this isn't how a relationship is supposed to be. Longing for normalcy, longing for a love that was not hurtful or mean. Longing for a mate that would make me feel safe and loved. I longed for a great love and after awhile I stopped daydreaming about such things as they do not exist, at least that's what I told myself.

The small things got me, pinching, pulling my hair, slapping me or forcing himself on me. That got me, his threats to harm me on some level at times got me mad. I began to tell him was that all he had? Did that make him man enough? Did it make him feel good that he can push me around? That he can push his kids around? Does that make you feel good?

I could picture many times when he had an object in his hands poised to throw at me. I became a good dodger! There are many holes in the walls from things he's thrown at me. Getting angerier because I moved. Duh! And me cleaning up the mess, drywall bits and pieces of whatever he threw at me. My fault that whatever it was now was broken! See what you made me do? Why did you break this, that or the other?

There were things I allowed him to do for the sake of the kids, like cold water. He would get upset so I would stand in the shower while he poured ice cold water on me with a super soaker or while he ran the shower I stood there and took it. It made him frustrations out, rather me then the kids. Or he would put ice down my pants or shove it in other places and he seemed to enjoy me squirming and crying. I didn't sob, mostly quiet tears, I would imagine myself elsewhere. I would go off in my mind almost seeing myself from a distance taking the punishments from afar. Allowing me to drift in peace feeling sorry for that poor woman in the shower or on the floor naked. Feeling bitterness as this was supposed to be someone that was my partner, someone I could turn to and trust.

How many times did I scrub the floor on my hands and knees until it sparkled? I swear he scuffed the floor with tar on purpose! Here I am not allowed to come to bed until the floor was clean, until the kitchen was cleaned. But as I'm doing so I can't make a sound or there would be hell to pay for keeping him awake. Had I done my chores prior I wouldn't be in that mess!

Now in many ways I guess I'm putting things off, dusting, vaccuming and such as defiance or maybe because now I can. I'm not sure which. We are better off. I can sleep without feeling someone kick me or have someone pull me by the hair because I have fallen asleep before him. I don't have anyone choking me or punching me at nite for whatever excuse he would give. I don't have anyone kicking me because I'm not getting done with whatever fast enough.

I'm getting to be happy I don't live with the delusions anymore. I can leave the tv on and wake up in the middle of the nite without anyone making me come back to bed if I don't feel like it. 

I will still have bad dreams, bad memories and some good. We survived and that's what is important. We are around to tell others and hopefully help someone else that is living in that situation. Maybe that's why I'm here... And if that's the case that's fine with me...

A moment of madness

Repost from 1/22/2009 a little over a month before I left my STBX.

I have pondered over the past year and half why I'm still here. Now I'm taking action! I have to make copies of bills next week and send them off to a friend to hold onto until I'm ready to go for the gusto.
He's being sweet as pie, though there are a few moments of madness that peek out. Whether he yells at the kids or sternly reminds me of my place (women are to be lead by their husbands, according to the Bible, seen not heard). 

He's one of those that can dish it out but can't take it. He's only 2 wayed me 3 times today. I called him 2 times because I would never hear the end of it tonite if I didn't. I don't say I love you anymore. The words have lost all meaning to me. I've told and prayed to release all the resentment I have towards him for the many years of hurt. The continuance of hurt...

I haven't left yet because without his insurance I'm screwed, I did get a refill of my meds for the HSV2. I got this gift from the 3 some we had with another woman, something he had a fantasy about which led to finding out she was involved with a few other persons on the side. Sheesh! It was a mess. I've come to terms with this, I'm more upset that I didn't stay gone, I took him back. I should have kicked his ass to the curb, but I felt guilty, I'm a sucker for a sob story! He's not going to take his life, he's too much of a drama queen. He continues to control my mind and emotions as much as he can. Telling me no other will love me like he does, I'm his alone, got it. I was made for him sent together by God. Maybe once... But not now. God doesn't want a messed up relationship like this. God doesn't want the up's and down's. God doesn't want us to be miserable! He wants what's best for me and my children. I pray God will fix R... I can't... Nor do I want to keep going like this.

I am just tired... Do I have a job after I leave? No. Do I have a place to run to? My sister has opened up her home to me and the kiddos! She has also offered to put the payment down to get the divorce started. I want to be free of no one timing me to see how long it takes till I'm home. I want to be able to go on the computer without someone wondering if I'm online talking to men or women (I'm not!) I haven't cheated.  I don't meet anyone for quickies here at the shop (my hubby runs an antique mall and I mind the store while he's gone). I am really looking forward to doing things with my kids, board games, walks, spur of the moment types of things.

R has tried to change, he's gotten involved in church ( I think his thinking of the head of household is a little warped though). He isn't a drinker, thank heavens! But he's only taking one pill in his med. He is mentally upstable and now he thinks he can do it on his own. Couseling? HA! He'll find something wrong with the person.  Everyone is against him. He's so paranoid! I don't love him, I find myself getting my stomach in a knot having to tell him I do love him (that's after he's insisting). I can't tell him I'm leaving or he will lock me in a room and not allow me to leave until I change my mind about leaving and loving him. He'll cry he will take his life! He's told the kids that we will never get the house he will burn it down before that happens. If they choose to live with me he will never talk to them again. My 13 year old is ok with that, but my 10 and 9 year old were devastated. Despite them knowing we need to leave they were crushed! He has told them because they fight and don't get along Mom will divorce me ( like it's their fault).

I need to leave soon! I am playing it cool a little longer I can't let him know! He's construction so work is slow and not all the time yet. I have to call the Atty and find out once we pay the $ how soon do I get financials and so on. I have to make sure to take my Avon checkbook so he doesn't leave me with nothing. I have heard that he has to pay me maintenance until the divorce is final! Oh that was music to my ears! I was so worried! I would like to wait a few more weeks at least until tax return time. Which we need to get done soon!

I've wrote a book! I'm keeping it cool and trying to be patient. I have to go and check on customers. Keep us in your prayers!

Independence day in 9 days!

I am coming up to our Second year Independence Day on Feb 25! I can not believe it has been almost 2 years that I first left my spouse. It has gone by fast and it seems as though it was a lifetime ago and another life.

The life I have now is so much different and comfy. I recently have had some other memories crop up, nightmare last week and a mini panic attack a few days ago. It's amazing how they pop up with a vengence and so fierce they take my breath away. I will not look back as defeated as I felt not so long ago! My ex still looms around. By the grace of God we have not heard much from him, though I do still miss my son terribly. I wonder what he looks like and how much he has changed. I wonder if remembers any of the nasty things we endured. J still wonders why he went back.

Oh but she is such a handful herself! I love my children to pieces but my goodness I was at my wits end last Sunday. I lost it! I said so much I had been holding back from her. I flew off the handle big time! I just said my piece and all was quiet. We have had so many arguments that at times it is like walking on eggshells and it can be crazy worrying about her getting upset. Heaven's! I left crazy and don't plan on living like that again. She can be so mean and violent to her sister, with our concerns that if she will harm her sister further or hurt the baby. When I say violent it isn't throwing knives or anything, it is hitting, it is threats to harm her sister or things her sister loves. And then she gets that look in her eyes that I saw her father have... All is not always nice here.

So Sunday I said those words that I don't really mean... "YOU CAN LIVE AT DAD'S! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!" Of course Terry, being of sound and calm mind suggested we talk and just calm down for a bit. He knew well that I do not want her to live with her Dad. She will never be the same if that happened. I would never hear from her again. Oh, that is guranteed! I could never live with myself, I lost one child and feel regret over that incident. I am not the only one that is healing and relearning how to live, both of my daughters are as well! Right now I am just taking away privileges, making her go to bed early, that sort of thing. SIGH! It is funny you look at my other blog and I feel I come off as a happy go lucky person with a side of insanity in this blog. Getting to the heart of matters and not pussy footing around!

I received a number for another advocate to speak to and I was thinking of perhaps seeing if the local Moms groups may need a speaker to talk about Family violence. Just a thought! I am out of work and besides antiques and blogging, my other passion is spreading knowledge and hope for others that suffer from Domestic Violence.

I reviewed some of my old posts and shortly I will be reposting our escape that I posted orginally in 2009. I did hap on a post from 1/22/09 that I will be reposting next! Have a great night!