Text messages and my STBX

I emailed him a month ago stating that I did not want to have any correspondence that is in text message form. So what does he do? He continues to text me. Claiming he can reach me anyway he wants.

So get this, his Mom calls, says that STBX says he wants to see the girls Sunday is his weekend.
(He walked out of our calendar meeting so we never formally set up a schedule). His Mom also states that she wants them for 6 hours. I am to drop them off at 1 or before and pick them up at 6. I was not surprised. She was quick and abrupt with me. I told her no we are out of town. She said is that your answer? I said yes. So later that evening I receive messages from STBX saying that I am to drop off the girls if I don't he will go to the district attorney on Monday and file a report about this. So he then demands I bring them over. He later sends several messages that talk about us not at home and getting the girls to bed early. Something more about my Son having to live with the same rules regarding the same bedtime rules (9:00 cool down and 9:30 bedtime) Which even though it is summer and we are away I am still keeping that! 

And he ends with a "Have a great night" What the heck?!

Control

He no longer has any with me. This irks the hell out of him. He will use any means or reason to get even with me. Even of course if it means lying about situations and incidents.

I just want closure...

Update on the seemingly never ending divorce

Well! Our newest GAL has declined, our last GAL that we never talked to declined because she knows Terry. Understandble! The new GAL is having a baby soon and she did not believe she can devote as much attention as she could because of her condition. So she is declining.

I'm at a loss of words for this situation, but I know there are many divorces that take time. I'm so impatient! I want it to end! I dislike seeing STBX writing words of love and tenderness. As well as his now infamous signing of "Your loving husband" in his notes. Or "Melinda my love" as his email addy states.

I have repeatedly told him we are over but he continues to live in the realm of fantasy, where I am coming back to him. Of course this is once I get my head out of my ass and come to my senses. He is willing to forgive me as well as taking the baby as his own. The man is sick! He then will write or say how stupid I am or some other mean, hateful words to further try to get his point across that he is a changed man. Ah! But this is the Gaslighter, Narcissis, Psychopath, Borderline personality disorder, Intermittent Explosive disorder, Abuser or whatever you want to call him.

My Order of Protection is up at the end of August. Call me paranoid or just worried but I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I'm not thrilled by the idea that someday the girls will have no supervision with visits.

I wish I could find help on the divorce. But lack of money and once Atty's find out about crazy man, I get no thank you's. SIGH!

I look back at old posts are realize we have all come so far! I wish my son would have stayed. I believe that his seizures and other health issues are because of  the anxiety of living with that man. He gets the brunt of his Dad with no one to help him stay safe. I can't say for sure but that is my feeling. I do wish for a time when we can all reacquaint and come to be a Son and Mother relationship again. I know that is sometime down the road but I hold out hope and faith for that time.

Violence is an EXCLUSIVE GROUP and CLUB!

 Join the most secretive group around!

No fee's!

Membership is exclusive!

What's the catch you ask?!

Why it will cost you:

Your dignity

Your self esteem

Your self worth

Friends

Family

A pattern of violence (physical, mental, emotional) for your children

PTSD
And the possibility of losing your life

Sound like something you want to join?

Many men, women and children didn't ask to become a member. They suffer in silence, enduring harsh situations and wishing for an end.

Sadly many have become long term members of violence only to then hang their pictures in the wall of lost hope and untimely death.

Christian Choate-
 http://www.ky3.com/news/ktla-christian-choate-boy-in-cage,0,1122385.story

Josh Hilberling-
http://www.whas11.com/news/national/Man-dies-in-alleged-spousal-abuse-case-123830944.html






http://askville.amazon.com/Charlotte-woman-dies-domestic-violence-case/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=66656848

http://www.wmctv.com/story/15137364/domestic-violence-suspect-shoots-at-police

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/04/mom-drives-minivan-into-hudson-river-drowning-herself-and-3-kids-/1

http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-mom-kills-baby-in-microwave,0,3035847.story

These are just a few stories in the mix of thousands that have occured over the years. Many popular stories are those of the now infamous Casey Anthony, Andrea Yates, Scott Peterson and Drew Peterson.

The stories are horrifying, true and so unimaginable. I'm disgusted and appalled by the lack of reason and lack of justice for the victims of these senseless crimes. Yet many are continually subjected to suffer in silence daily. The stories above are extreme and horrible. But sadly to say these are the times we live in. Where is the humanity? Where is the justice for these victims?

This is an exclusive club which at times is glamorized by Hollywood cashing in on tragic circumstances when it happens to one of them. Oh sure it's nice that it's brought to our attention but when those 5 mins of noterity fade we are once again left with countless victims afraid to speak out before it's too late.

No you don't have to be beaten, raped or killed in order to suffer from Domestic violence. Words hurt as much as a fist. You can easily cut someone to pieces with a few mere words and say them over and over to the victim they believe them.Victims of verbal abuse can be led to think they are crazy, stupid, dumb, useless, etc... Assaulting with words can drive a person mad enough to take they're lives or the lives of others.

Still want to join the club? Or just to be a supporter by watching or standing by while someone suffers in silence? Please get help for someone that is a victim of violence! You maybe the only hope they have left. In many cases you can file a report without having to leave your name.

And if you are a victim, get out and leave as soon as you can before it's too late...
National Domestic Violence Hotline- http://www.thehotline.org/   800-799-SAFE

There is hope.

No excuses! There are shelters and organizations to help you if you are a victim! Don't be a statistic and don't wait until it's too late.

God bless and stay safe!

Why can't you get your Narcissist out of your mind?

I do not endorse any ebooks on the subject of Domestic violence or anything of the sort. I have found in my own opinion that most ebooks are short, vague or just gloss over the topic. Not living up to the hype of the reviews. So please do some research on your own before spending any $$$ on these things. Or seek out a local licensed professional that can help you work on your journey. Joining a support group either in person or in an online community is also something to think about!
Taken from a recent email from Ann Bradley
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"He won't leave my thoughts. I am always thinking about him. I can't go on like this."

"He is still vicious. I need help. I'm losing my mind."

These are the types of things people tell me even after they have left or have decided to leave a toxic relationship. Narcissists leave chaos wherever they go:  panic, anxiety attacks, fear, a sense of dread or helplessness are the gifts they give.  Not many understand what you have been through and it can be lonely journey you are on.

Maybe he or she really is physically gone.  But you are left with the remains of a shattered life or someone who won't stop stalking you emotionally.  He - or she - continues to call, email and remind you how useless and no good you are.  And you think about this constantly - over and over your mind is filled with thoughts of what  has been done to you. This is rumination. Think of the thoughts as planes circling an airport. Then, remember this: "It's time to land those planes."

CHANGE IS IN YOUR POWER

Your narcissist will not change but you can.  It may take a while, but he does not have to take up space in your head.  Imagine you have teflon clothes. Put them on and let the abuse bounce off you. Grab  the pain before it strikes: "Oh, here comes lies and accusations from him.  I can handle it if I can see it and boy, do I see it."  This is not something you say to the one bothering you; this is something you say to yourself. This is self talk for self preservation. Choose your words carefully.

Self talk is your way out of the chaos and hurt. You've been through trauma and you need to do what you need to do to heal. Label the abuse - it defuses its strength. But remember: don't engage in a fight even as you get stronger. This will set things back.
This is a quote from Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D. -

"Narcissists become particularly shameless during a divorce. They accuse the other spouse of neglecting the children when the reverse is true. They hide their assets long before the formal divorce proceedings begin. They lie about their net worth so they don't have to part with alimony or child support. Some narcissists, both male and female, abandon their families all together and start new lives with more attractive, adoring and compliant partners. Leaving the previous spouse and children in a state of financial and psychological chaos is of no consequence to them. Many narcissists repeat these egregious patterns of behavior throughout their lives without shame or regret."

Many, many of you have been through this and are hurting. Some of you are hurt in other ways.

Ann Bradley

narcissisticabuse.com

Positive Affirmations for Victims 2

I am safe

I believe in myself

I can trust others

I can trust me

I am free to be myself

I am worthy of love

I am fit and healthy

I am confident

I am loved

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These words a few years ago would be meaningless or meant for someone else. They could not be for me. I'm the fat, stupid, dumb ass that was not worth a *hit.
I was the one that couldn't do anything right.
I was the one that seemed clumsy and was getting hurt all the time
I was the one that acted like everything was fine
I was the one that couldn't look at myself in the mirror
I was the one who cried myself to sleep alot
I was the one that slept with a knife under my side of the bed just in case
I was the one who had marks on her throat from where she was choked
I was the one that was losing her hair in patches because of the hair pulling and nerves
I was the one that felt embarassed
I was the one that felt all alone

I know now that I wasn't the one to blame! I am worthy of so much love, happiness and joy! It is taking a long process to get this deprogrammed from my head. The feeling of insecurity and fear.

I know I am a beautiful person both in and out!
I am fitter everyday!
I am smart
I learn something new about me everyday!
I am learning to do things I enjoy doing
I am loved
I have family and friends that support me
I can just get up dance and sing at the top of my lungs for any random reason because I can!
I can achieve anything I put my mind to!
Everything I need is provided
I have found a farm house that is lovely! A big yard, porch with a swing, garden, garage, 5 bedrooms, lots of space for all of us and our collections of vintage and antique finds!
I find a job I love that allows me to spend time with the kids when I need to and pays me wonderfully!

What will your list look like? Plan for the rest of the year! Start a Bucket List! Do something you always wanted to do! Create joy and a meaningful life for yourself. Don't wait for good things or good times to come to you, create the life you want! Pray and remember God wishes for us to be happy and joyful! He will provide for our needs. I recall crying to God about this but realize I have to work for it, He is not going to throw these things on my lap. It takes patience, thoughtfulness and continued prayer.

Be blessed and feel free to drop me a line if you need to talk to someone about your situation.

Vulenerabliities

Vulnerabilities
Look at these seven areas of personal vulnerability? Think honestly about whether your vulnerabilities could be any of the following:

• The need for approval (you are very sensitive to criticism and the good opinions of others, you feel the need to keep others happy).
• The need to be loved (you feel happiest when others approve and love you, without it you feel worthless and rejected, if someone you like doesn’t like you, you feel unlovable).
• The need to succeed (you feel you must be outstanding in one area at least, you feel inferior and a failure if you do not succeed).
• The need to be perfect (if it can’t be done excellently, then there is no point in doing it at all, falling short of perfection is pathetic and B (even C) grade, making a mistake is devastating.
• The sense of feeling deserving (if you can’t get what you are entitled to, then it’s not fair, it’s unjust, unreasonable and frustrating; if you are kind and thoughtful then others should be kind back).
• The sense of being able to influence all things (if something happens, somebody gets upset then it is your fault and you are responsible).
• The sense that happiness is contingent upon external things (you feel you have no control over your emotions, your feelings, that happiness is dependent on external factors).

Early warning signs of an abusive personality

From: http://www.facebook.com/groups/MelanieToniaEvans

Early Warning Signs of an abusive personality

(Although emotional abuse is most difficult to detect, physical and sexual abuse is often well disguised and also difficult to detect. Abuse is secretive, furtive, stealthy, hidden, explainable, covert, subtle, crafty, well orchestrated, strategic)

You don't need to be black and blue to be abused. Emotional abuse is stealthy. Often times the abuser will never directly abuse you, they will abuse your children, animals or friends. When they do turn their bullying on you they will pick on something small, something petty. This will all be hidden and explained away, there is always an explanation for their endless pettiness. And you will always be "overreacting" or "sensitive". Discounting your feelings and minimizing their behavior keeps you off balance.

When you are finally able to leave your bully, please be prepared. They will not let you go without a fight for your sanity or even your life. During the relationship, the abuser will try to hook you by making you dependent on him.

Verbal abuse doesn't have to be "bad". Many abusers extol their mates often disguising anger as concern and praise as love.
Remember you only ever need to know one fact, if you are SCARED you are being ABUSED.

**Many of the early warning signs listed on most websites are actually late stage warning signs.
If you have an inexplicable feeling of danger, run fast, fear does not need evidence. The list below goes over some of the early warning signs of abuse. However, most of the early warning signs are very difficult to detect. Abusers and bullies have developed their tactics over years and have honed their craft.**

(Abusers do not have to exhibit all of these signs but if they exhibit more than one of these, they are abusers. Although domestic abuse often escalates, it does not have to follow what many consider to be a typical progression. They can go from “minor verbal assault” to full out physical abuse within a short period of time or even pause for years without resorting to physical abuse. Sometimes physical abuse or any other abuse doesn’t start until you’ve been trapped by marriage or children. Often times violence begins when they feel they are losing control.)

Here are some of the early warning signs of a stealth bully:

1.They usually make the rules in the relationship, where you go, who spends money.
2.They push boundaries little by little. You have less privacy or free will as time goes on.
3.They’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of entitlement means that you’re too sensitive. If they tell you that you overreact or you blow things out of proportion, you are being abused.
4.They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, blame and guilt. Even minor name calling such as goofy or stubborn are big red flags.
5.You’re afraid you’ll trigger a mood. Mood swings that go from angry, rageful, affectionate, to apologetic.
6.You’re told you would be alone without them or that they are the only person in the world that cares as much as they do. This is the beginning stage of isolation.
7.Social isolation. They will slowly cut you off from friends and family. They will always have something bad to say about your friends and they will not allow you to do nice things for them.
8. Pettiness. This is a form of disguised brow beating. Subtly criticize minor things like leaving a light on.
9. Superiority. He indicates that he is smarter, in general better than other people. He may even believe his possessions such as his woman, pets and material belongings are better than everyone.
10. Jealousy. He may stand and stare at any man that looks or talks to you.
11. He suggests: setting up a bank account in his name, getting married and having children within six months of dating. Everything is in his name.
12.Treating you like a sexual object, constantly touching you during inappropriate times even while sleeping.
13.Degrading views on women. They make negative comments about women, their mother and previous girlfriends. Always blames past girlfriends. They tend to be dumped by girlfriends first.
14. Possessive. They may make a surprise visit to your home or work. Check up on you even if you live together. Call, email, text frequently.
15. Infrequent anger or rage. They are often calm after an episode.
16. Asks a lot of questions. Relentless questioning. Interrogative.
17. You are always on their dime and their schedule. They are always acting in "your best interest". They claim any harm they do is to "protect you".
18. They may never hit you directly, they may throw objects at you, hit walls, grab things away from you, stomp, intimidating body language, break things, keep you from leaving, grab you, etc.
19. Gas lighting. Behaves or acts like they did nothing. Claims to not have said or did something, even immediately after saying or doing something. May hide or move objects then blame you.
20. They often fail to follow through on promises. They always have a "surprise" in store for you such as a gift or vacation.
21. They are demanding, you have to accommodate their every whim. They take up all of your time and energy. You feel tired all the time.
22. They remind you of their sacrifices.
23. He will often need "help" when doing an undesirable task. Generally, you are left to do these tasks by yourself.
24. Their actions and words don't add up. They will push you off a cliff and then run to catch you.
25. Crazy-making. They manipulate you, keep you on edge to the point where you feel like you are going crazy. You start exhibiting depression, unusual behavior, etc. This is all the proof your monster needs to blame you for his abuse.
26. Some abusers are unable to laugh at themselves or see humor in frustrating circumstances. Rigid, inflexible.
27. Guilt trip. They will refuse to go anywhere without you, even if it is an extreme burden to you.
28. Animal cruelty, call animals names, neglects them, scares them.
29. They will tell you that you are using them or you’re taking advantage of them.
30. You feel like you can't trust them, you are scared for no reason.
31. Your children or animals begin to behave differently.
32. Grandiosity. They buy things they can't afford. They always have the latest gadget. They may claim to know people in high places.
33. They may get into physical fights or relish violence.
34. They get frustrated very easily and have trouble coping with normal daily stresses.
35. Often times they enjoy chaotic circumstances. They may even seem to enjoy it when people cry. Seems to lack empathy.
36. They will talk about themselves often. If you have a story, they have a better one.
37. They rarely seem to take responsibility for their actions or mistakes, it is always someone else fault.
38. They might hint that they have been in fights before or their ex girlfriend enjoyed rough sex.
39. You may notice a strange family dynamic; there is almost always a family history of mental problems.
40. You may notice that he always wants to talk while you are trying to sleep or wakes you up at night for to say I love you or any “innocent” reason. This is a form of denial of basic physical needs.
41. He comes on to you after you say no to sex or is "playful" during sex. He may not wait for you to be fully ready resulting in painful intercourse. Does not engage in foreplay. Is often too “passionate”.
42. Bottles up emotions. Unable to identify emotions. Claims he is concerned when he is angry.
43. You feel irritated or bugged by his presence for no reason. Even when he is apparently being “kind”.
44. You feel off balance, like the wind has been knocked out of you, the rug pulled from under your feet.
45. Your dreams and expectations go unfulfilled.
46. You want to run as fast as you can but you feel paralyzed.
47. You are bewildered all the time but you don’t know what the problem is.
48. Feeling like something is wrong, the little things that are odd, but they are easily forgotten and not a big deal.
49. You feel like you’re being pushed around, they’re bossy.
50. You’re always caught off guard; they surprise you or shock you.
51. He sends you mixed messages. His words and emotions don’t seem to correspond with each other. When you question that, he tells you that you have no faith in him or he makes you take some or all of the responsibility.
52. They pretend to be hurt when you express your feelings. Even telling you that hey are hurt that you would be upset at them for something they did that was not intentional.
53. They play with or collect weapons.
55.They are "very generous" beware their generosity is very expensive.
56. Intimidating body language.
57. They are easily hurt. You feel guilty if you express disappointment. So you begin to comply with them to avoid tension.
58.They are very generous, beware they’re generosity is expensive. This is called loan sharking.
59. They disclose intimate details of their life or their past, quickly in the relationship in order to create closer bonds or “test the waters’. Shares inappropriate information.
60. He pressure’s you to go to couples counseling. Because “we share the responsibility”.
61. He calls you a victim.
62. Makes statements like, you’re too good for me, you can do better. This is an attempt to garner sympathy.
63. The way they treat service personnel or those in lower social standing.
64. Sulks often especially when they do not get their way. A form of passive aggressive behavior.
65. Very serious, aggressive, arrogant or threatening body language, poise, afect, facial expressions, eyes, mannerisms, conduct.
66. May not appreciate your opinions, emotions or thoughts.
67. His control may at first appear to be impassioned and loving but transforms into needy and clingy. May not go places without you, claims to love being with you all the time.
68. May suggest you are interested in other men, accuses you of cheating.
69. Abuse by proxy, tells your friends and family that you are unstable. Challenges you in court, uses the law.
70. You notice small changes in yourself. You lose interest in things that mattered, you may get sick, weight changes, health problems, mental health problems, etc.
71. Never accepts responsibility for anything, ever. The world always owes them.

Crazy times with my STBX...

I don't know why that man (Gaslighter, Narcissis, Abuser, Psychopath, STBX)ceases never to surprise me. After all the emails the other day, he sends me a email from Nestles.com. It has some recipes in it that honestly are nummy looking but seriously? I can not fathom why after almost 3 years this man has not gotten it that I am do not want to be with him anymore. I don't want a relationship with him at all! I'm counting the years until the kids are 18 so then I don't ever have to talk to him again, of course unless they go to college... I'm wishing it will be more like my Mom's Ex, we didn't ever see him. My sister choose to see him later in life but that was her decision.

I'm hoping he will fade into the woodwork after we finally get divorced. I have a call into the GAL and haven't heard back so I plan on giving another jingle. I never found a document I could use to make the Motion for Bifurcation to end the marriage. So court is coming up again in Oct.

I never got his financials and yet he is complaining he did not get my tax returns or Terry's financial information. The last is not going to happen. I told STBX that if Terry and I were married that would be a different matter but since I am still married no dice.

It feels like a rash you just can't quite get rid of. My STBX reminds me sort of like HSV2, occassional flareups/outbreaks, pain, uncomfortable and itchy. At least you can take meds for that, there is nothing to take for STBX.

I pray for an end to this mess!

Message from my son...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From:  <melnrob5@yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, Jul 19, 2011 at 10:39 PM
Subject: Re: Fwd: No more text messages and settlement discussion
To: Melinda My Love <blessmeplz@gmail.com>

   Hey melinda this is matt. And I was sitting right there. And jessica knew exacrly what was in those envelopes and she knew the details. And once more you had Jessica and grandma negotiating for you. And I got news for you. You will never know me as your son until you get back with robert as your husband and terry is ni longer in the picture. Idk if you rlly believe him or you rlly r that stupid but he threatened my life on more than one occasion and none of roberts children should be around him. And I find it weird how you keep saying you want a divorce from robert but you do everything in your power to slow it down. You are mentally not right melinda there really is seriously something wrong with you melinda. And I also find it interesting that you like to share everything about this divorce with everyone except the truth. I have yet to hear the truth come out of you. And I have news for you I was on the other side of the door thr one day erics friend came by and I heard him tell dad you dealing drugs. I hope its true. I think you belong behind bars for at least20 years. You don't know the kinda man you wanna divorce. Now that he doesn't have you screwin up his head he is a gr8 dad and nothing like you say he is. But I have to say you did screw him up to the point to where he is no longer a push over at first he was soft but now he doesn't put up with crap. if anything u made him partly into the man your telling everybody he is. Dad used to be a real softy. I've met terry and that Is one serious control freak but then so are you. I've seen who yu are and I ha e to say you are a terrible person after what dad has done for you and the way you've repaid him I mean honestly I know my dads not perfect and u guys had problems but I know he was trying to save the marriage and from the things I've seen and read yo didn't care about us kids or dad all u cared about was satisfying yourself. And you didn't try and giv any effort to try and save ur marriage. Ill say this melinda you still have a chance to fix it. But you will have to tell everybody what you've done to me. And I was at court the day you lied to the judge and said the reason y we don't c each other is becuz of me being violent to yu. What a great mom you r. You have to be sitting their wondering what its gunna take to fix this. My suggestion to you is to pray to the lord to help you fix the marriage and ask the lord to change you. Cuz u r definitely the problem. There!!I think I did a good job of getting my point across without swaring but ill bet u won't send this mssg down the line at least until you edit it. Just so you knw some of the ladies at church find yu obnoxious and think that wat ur doing is disgusting and they pray for you to wake up u r a laughing stock there what they mite be saying to u face to face is not what their kids are telling me. Ill leave it up to you melinda if you ever want to call me son again you knw what you need to do.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Matt emailing me. I am still amazed that Matt is allowed access to Rob's phone. Jess again had no idea but what I told her that was in the envelope. I did not have anyone negotiating for me.

Oh and it does make me giggle that Rob isn't a push over anymore. I don't believe he was ever a push over for anyone.Also that he is a real softie?! Rob threatened the life of everyone in his life at one point and time. Whether it was to beat the crap out of them or to burn down their home or to get them fired or to kill them.

Not even thinking about going back to that man.

Matt was not in the court room. I have emails and can go by the fire and knives he brought into the apartment to kill me if I did not take him to his Dad's house in 2009. Also the emails stated that he wanted to slit my throat. Excuse me if I am concerned with acts of violence.

Mel

Settlement land in my never-ending divorce

As usual nothing is uneventful.

I sent a settlement packet along with my financials to the last visitation. According to the Domestic Bureau in Lake County I needed to pass my Financials to him but since he has a past history of not getting the mail for some reason I decided to send it with J on the visit. I told her that it contained a settlement and financial paperwork. Tell him to sign and give it back so I could make copies. She had no other knowledge of what was in the envelope since I sealed it. Anyway...
We have a new GAL on the case, we actually had 2 up until today. Turns out Terry knows one of them and she had to pull herself off.

Going back and forth with text messages with Crazy man does not make for a happy camper. He still wants to reconcile.
I don't know why this amazes me. He is supposedly engaged again. Why can't he just move on? He is hell bent on destroying Terry, as if he were the problem. He fails continually to address the "REAL REASON" I left him.

He was abusive! He is in a constant state of denial and he is rambling off things that are so far out. Anyone that knows me these things are not true. SIGH! This whole thing gets me so flustered. I just want a divorce...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
to melnrob5@yahoo.com
from blessmeplz@gmail.com
date 7/19/2011

I will only refer to text messages in times of trouble. I believe for both of our benefits that we keep this to writing in email or old fashioned ink. 

I dropped the girls off for visitation at 12:30 pm on Sunday. If you only had 2 hours to visit with them then perhaps you need to arrange your schedule to accommadate. This does not create a emergency on my part.

My settlement like yours was an offer.

I ask for physical custody and legal custody of the girls. 

There is not enough time in the reminder of this year for you to claim the girls. There is a certain amount of time/overnights that you need to have in order to do so. Again contact your Accountant about this. I will claim them for this year and next year you can claim them. I have no need to claim Matt until we have had a LOT of counseling to heal our relationship. 

I left my name mistake on there on purpose, just to see if you were actually going to read the offer. 

You have mentioned your atty several times and I would prefer to speak to him or her. 

I do not feel safe enough not to meet in a public place for drop off or pick up's. Again if you would like the girls one day during the week that is fine. But you need to pick them up from school and also I will pick them up from a police station in the evenings. They have a bedtime of 9 o'clock so I need them home by 7:30 so they can do shower time and they can have a cool down time, clothes out for the night before and so on. 

The weekend drop off will also be public. I will drop them off  at the police station by 6 pm on Friday and I will pick them up by 6pm in Sunday. 

Of course none of this starts until the court says so. 

As for phone calls 2 or 3 times a week. I will not make them call you if they do not want to. Heck I can't get them to call me if I ask them to! My previous atty talked about this and the other matters I am talking to you about now so I am not just pulling things out of the air. Indiana Parenting guidelines permit weekend visits and weekday visits as well. I do ask to speak to them while they are in your care. No speaker phone as you did in the past. 

The income is none. I do not go to school and have a sizeable bill from that. I have no vehicle any longer. I have a friend allowing me to borrow a car from time to time. As stated on my financials I have no car.Terry's income is not your concern. As I stated in my message, if we were "DIVORCED" then his income would be relevant. 

I mentioned many times I would pay the deductibles on the kids medical bills. That was stated at our court hearing last year. 

I have better things to do, as I stated in my text message to you then to sit in front of your house.Seriously?! I wouldn't trust anyone to sit at the curb on a busy street like that. 

You will receive the rest of my items when I receive your financials as well. I left you a message concerning the tax returns. I did not feel we needed to exchange them if there has not been a big change. But since you are adamant about doing so, please include your returns in your financials. I will be sending mine to your Mom's house since in the past I have heard there are problems receiving mail about the divorce or from me. 

As for your threat about telling the court about using the children for the divorce. I again mentioned in a text message back to you that I recall yourself, your Mom and Jess talking about custody and such in the laundry room so Pearl would not hear about the agreement. Sounds like you have once again not been forth coming and told her that you are not divorced. Anyway, at that time I was informed during pick up that you all came to an arrangement that the girls would stay with me. Of course once you and I conversed you quickly changed your tune since I told you I would not start this agreement that week.  I handed Jess a SEALED DOCUMENT. All she was aware was that it contained my financials and a settlement agreement. She knows none of the details. She does not need to know them. 

I would have thought you would refrain from calling me names. Asking if "R u that stupid" is same old Rob behavior. Jess has her own mind and is allowed to have her own thoughts on the matter. We do not tell her everything about what is going on because I would rather her worry about friends, school work and just being a kid. 

I made you this way? Really? Don't get mad at you for what I did and caused? That is what is stated in your text message. I don't understand what control you state I have over you. If I had control over you, I would have put an end to any verbal, emotional and physical abuse right away. But I didn't.

I do agree with your statement that if they are trying to get out a punishment then they don't run back and forth between homes. I believe we agreed to that long ago.

Since you are serious about going for custody of the girls I feel that is your right. 

No the divorce is your doing. You had many chances to make a change but you did not. I feel like a broken record describing why and I won't do it again. And I will not "come back" as you state in your text message. If this makes me uncooperative then so be it. I do want the divorce to answer your text about this. That I "just want to hurt me (you)" is not not my intention. Of all the years of hurt that you caused me. Sounds funny from a man that has been engaged what 2 or 3 times in the past 2 and a half years. I am not engaged, I have no wedding plans planned. I am not in any hurry to jump on that saddle anytime soon. So if you are choosing to keep the divorce going in hope of reconciling that is to your discretion. But again I say to you that I am happy now. I have moved on and would like an end to this divorce sooner then later. Unless you have an endless supply of funds to keep this going.

I would like the company the lie detector test was through. I mentioned this to you before our last court date. I am again asking for the information again. Terry has offered to take the test as well if need be. 

I submit myself for a mental evaluation and any drug (hair follicle) testing since this appears to be a allegation that you have.

Also if the girls are in such danger allegedly then why have you not called Child services? 

Oh and thanks for not being more serious about the mediation. I suppose you got a good laugh out of me paying $120 to get it going and then you decided not to at least try to work on a settlement.

My settlement offer was generous, I never asked you for the house or pension or your savings. I just want the divorce. I'm not interested in hearing how terrible I was or "controlling" or whatever. If you will not give full custody legal or physical then I would like physical custody. Again with alternating tax years starting next year.  I would be responsible for any deductibles for them. I don't think I am being unreasonable. 

I don't trust you. I will never trust you and I choose not to be alone with you or to place myself in a situation where I would be in danger. 

Terry is not dangerous. I am thinking that your hiring someone to stalk me, take pictures of me, and then kill me (taking a picture of my dead body) is alot more dangerous then anything you have made up in your mind that he has allegedly done. Shame on you! I would like a peaceable, amicable divorce. I don't want to point fingers. I just want to be done. I refuse to fling any more mud. I only speak highly of you in front of the kids. You are they're Dad and will always be. You are to be respected as such. I do not allow them to talk badly of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

from melnrob5@yahoo.com

to Melinda My Love blessmeplz@gmail.com

Tue, Jul 19, 2011 at 5:09 PM

subject Re: No more text messages and settlement discussion 

I agree with text. It was your paperwork that interfered.it was your doing and remember it will be brought up on your use of Jessica as an assistant. Sham on u.  I will be asking for extra time. It is up to u if u want to cause problems. I see u r into causing problems because I asked u not to bother me. Their is no compliance in this e mail. And the kids r fine.

I saw a phicic the other day. I am personally ready for u to drive off a cliff. But she told me that is not gods plan and we would be back together. That's why I said u r just out to hurt me. U are not stable. And to prove u r deep down not wanting the divorce you chose to keep your name as melinda allen. Lol. Please. Don't. I don't want u to have my name. U r abusive and. A disgusting example of a mother and for matts sack I rather u not keep it. I myself got sick when I thought about weather the ladie was right. I still love u but I can't figure out a way to trust u or forget the damage u have caused. But I guess God will decide.   

As for claiming them I will then claim them for two consecutive years and from their we will see. If it takes another year than so be it

As for u I have had another visit from the gentleman that swears you r selling drugs and all I need to do is have u checked. I wonder if I should. On one hand if u r clean I can tell him go away and on the other if u r not you will go to jail for a long time. It would be great for me. And I am sure Matt would enjoy it.

I have talked to a lawyer about it. I choose to think this guy is just causing trouble. But he said their is proof. I think I will wait till their is proof. Do u owe eric money or something. Because this guy is starting to b a pain. I told him if she is then report her yourself.

I guess I tell u this because I want u not to end up in trouble. If u r doing it. Nock it off and if your not. Be car full. 

As for them staying with terry if I do not have constant visual or audio contact I am not letting them stay with u. 

Drop off and pick up is not up for argument. This is your silly night mare not mine.  

And u left your name on it because u do not want this divorce.

I can take u back even with the baby. But melinda Matt is your biggest issue.

Please no more contact tonight. Unless u really want to talk.  thanks your husband. Rob

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: blessmeplz@gmail.com
To: melnrob5@yahoo.com and his Mom, as well as a few family members

I just want a divorce. I don't want to get back with Robert.Once again the envelope she gave him was sealed, she had no knowledge of what the details were at all. She knew it was about settling and my financial information and that was it. 

I am not doing or selling drugs. I sent a settlement offer to try to get him to get this divorce final. I do not want to be married to him any longer. 

I don't know why he keeps throwing Eric under the bus with drug issues or accusations. He is not doing anything of the sort. Matt getting enjoyment out of me being in jail is terrible! That is awful!

I do not trust Rob at all. I intend to have a safe drop off and pick up. As I mentioned before any time Rob has had the chance in the past to put his hands on me he took the chance. 

As much as I want a divorce I want to make sure the girls are safe. I do not believe my first choice for visits was wise. I can not get it changed from your home Judy. I asked and told the court and the place where we set up the visits if we could change due to health issues with you and Bob. I did not believe you need the added stress. Rob said you were fine with the set up. According to the paperwork, he is not to be there when I drop off or pick up the kids. This is why we had Sue pick up or drop off in the past or we were able to work out visits with no issues until the basement needed to be done. 

He mentions my "silly night mare". I have been pushed around by this man for so many years, I do not trust him. If this stalls the divorce then so be it. Him throwing a tantrum because the he has "no visual or audio contact with them" He can see the girls. I have not seen my son in over 2 years, except for a few random occassions. So before you start throwing your weight around about that how about my rights to see and visit with my child? What about being able to safely be around him. Sadly I can not do that because of nasty thoughts I am told he has for me. 

I don't understand why he keeps fighting me about these topics. I mentioned I did not go after his money, I know he works for cash. I know that because I had contact with a few of the people he worked with. I also knew that they were working like crazy for sometime. Of course there is no proof unless I push a few buttons that will involve his boss. But I do not wish to be that way. 

I want Rob to get out of his fantasy world, leave me alone. Become a great Dad to the kids. To watch his anger issues. I see no change in this man. He won't ever change. If I had control of him as he claims I would still be married to him because if I were in control I would not have put up with his attitude and nastiness for so long.

According to my Accountant the rules for claiming the children have to do with how many overnights and days they spend with him. He can not claim them in the way he is stating. 

I agree with the it needing to be done. But for him to blame me for missing out on his visit. He should not be working on the basement during this time. In actuality the 3 kids are to be visiting since he walked away from the Calendar appt. 

*Leaving the bottom of my initial note attached because I forgot to forward it to a few of you. Sorry!*

Mel

 

Visitation today

He didn't show. I got a call yestreday from his Mom. The first thing out of her mouth was to ask me "What did he do now?" I said, "What are you talking about?". She said he was causing a stink about seeing the girls on Sunday (today) and he was going to tell the court about what I did.

I'm shaking my head while I'm speaking to her on the phone as if she could see me. I really had no idea what she was talking about. I told her I hadn't spoke to him in sometime. Apparently, since he could not see the girls last week, he is boycotting this weekend and he is planning on telling the court I wouldn't let him see the girls on "his weekend".

HHHMMM! This is the same person that left the calendar appointment when we set up these dates, which has since fallen apart after about 6 months or so due to health issues of my in-laws. The girls "may" see him about once a month. They are ok with that. They don't see why they have to see him at all, especially since M doesn't have to see me.

Anyway, she then tells me that he needs to see his GF because she will be leaving, back to the Phillipines. SO! He would rather blame me for not being able to see the girls, instead of saying, "Could we postpone this week because something came up?". He chose to see his GF. Oh and he made some off hand comment that the girls should have emailed him or called him to let him know they had plans and he would have been ok with it. REALLY?! Bullcrap! Sort of like he was ok with the living arrangements until he discovered I wasn't going to give on his demands to have the girls over during the day that week, while we were told by the court to keep

J, saw right through this right away and made a comment about it.

So I dropped the girls off and they had a lovely time with their Grandparents and two Aunts! I was happy to see it wasn't some kind of set-up, especially since I forgot my stinking cell phone at home! GRRR FACE! I couldn't believe I did that!

I really can not wait for the divorce to be over. And trust me I'm not headed for the altar! I have no immediate plans to do so. That is a long story, which I am not ready to divulge. But say a prayer for us!

I need to get in my financial declaration in this week as per request to the court. I don't have a blank copy so it looks like I have to white out an old one. AHHHH!!! Why I couldn't have an easy divorce? I wanted a quick 90 day one. SIGH! Court is in October. I hope to finalize by the end of the year. But who knows...

I'm aggravated, disgusted and just sad.

Old and new loves

Five women with five entirely different relationships but each have one thing in common.

Love

Each one was or is a Victim of Domestic/Family Violence.


I hung up the phone several times during the past few months with tears in my eyes, being unable to comprehend what I just heard. Replaying the conversation in my mind and it is just too worrisome to think about.
She is taking him back.

Each of these stories they remind me a bit about my own story. Snippets of situations between each of these women mirror my own.

Woman 1:
Married
Several children

Outwardly the couple seems like a model couple, kids are happy, family outings, and members of a church that they attend regularly. No one would guess he is verbally abusive. Physically this has taken quite a toll on her body. She has health issues that were discovered to be caused by stress.

She wants to save her marriage. They are in counseling and are working on the marriage to keep it together. I was not surprised and admire her strength and the love she has for her mate to make things work for them and their children.

Woman 2:
Just recently Divorced
Children from a previous marriage

History of violence between the 2 of them. He seems to continually run with a mean streak. She is not happy but fears she will never find another. She puts up with the violence and sexual addictions. She has been in and out of living with him. The excuse is that he is good to her children. Marriage is not in the future because he does not believe in it.

I have known her for a long time. We have more then history, she is also the woman my STBX had moved into our home back in 2007. I have seen her take her mate back after he beat her severely. He would tell her that he loved her, cared for her, wants to take care of her. Both have had a string of affairs with men and women, swinging, both together and while they were apart. She confides that he is a cross dresser, closet bisexual male and loves to victimize her often. While drinking he tends to become heavy handed.

She stays...

Woman 3:
Married
No children

The history here is similar to the above ladies. In and out of the relationship. Listening and craving love from someone that promises her the world, only to spin out of the "Honeymoon cycle" to abuse her one way or another.

He loves to put her down, which causes her to doubt herself, love herself and places fear of not finding someone else down the road. They have been on and off for a number of years, each time he promises her he will change, that he will get help and he loves her. While separated both have had other short or implusive relationships with others, causing more troubles as he throws them in her face.

Drinking and drugs fuel angry outbursts and inappropiate behavior like a ticking time bomb. She waits for the other shoe to drop.  After a recent explosive episode and some time apart... She took him back.

Woman 4:
Separated
Children with husband and new man in her life

Violent marriage, many forms of abuse were endured, sexual, mental, verbal and she finally left him after many years. The roller coaster of the divorce is still hurtful. In the beginning, the same self doubt that plagues many victims is in her mind. She won't make it without him or she will be back begging him to take her back.

She stays gone, but jumps into a relationship that seemed perfect a month after leaving her husband.

He is a great guy, good job, loves kids and has a child from a previous marriage that broke up a few years back.

 She misses the warning signs in the relationship. Something just doesn't seem right. Mr. Wonderful is Bisexual. He checks out gay porn and regular porn. A frequent flier on Craigslist and some other websites. He has a secret email address, pictures of men and women. He strays, confesses to her that he had oral sex with another man. He promises he will try to stop, he loves her and cares deeply for her and the children. She took him back.

Sex is non-existent, but she craves love so deeply she continues to look the other way even though it is tearing her apart. She stays, not wanting to upset the kids and not wanting to have to explain to family and friends about the seemingly perfect relationship breaking up. Though to everyone that knows them marriage is inevitable down the road.

Woman 5:
Divorced
2 kids from another relationship

In and out of relationships. She finally found a keeper! He ends up having an accident and unable to work. He starts drinking. He calls her names, calls her kids names and accuses her constantly of seeing other men.  He checks up on her about every half hour. And gets upset if she does not take her calls.

They don't go anywhere. He complains they have no money to do anything. But there is always money for beer and cigarettes. She has no friends anymore. She only goes to work at a local Walmart. Even though she put herself through school, the job outlook for her is grim. She does not believe she will find anyone that will take her, love her and her children.

He gets the family kicked out of a trailer park they just moved to. Now living with her parents, emotions run high. He leaves out of state and tells her he will be back, he misses her and loves her. He promises he will stop drinking and stop verbally abusing them.

She took him back.

Each of these ladies have a different story but so many things sound the same.

Each lady is a smart woman, strong woman and capable of not needing they're mate to survive.

Each woman has gotten to the point where they're self esteem is in the toliet. Love is so strong for they're mates they want to make it work. They long for love and even though the love comes with strings, each one is trying again to make it work.

Each story left me scratching my head. Each one made me sad. Each story reminded me of me in small way. I pray that each find the happiness they crave. I hope each learns to love herself and if they have to leave the relationship may they know that they do not need to be a victim anymore.

I feel privileged that each allowed me into a view of they're lives. I listen, I chime in on occassion to a person with my own experiences. I can not tell anyone when to leave. I can not tell anyone to stay. I can tell them to listen to they're own inner voice to know.

They each need to know that they need to do what they need to do for themselves and for children (if they have them). They need to know they are worthy of finding a real love or need to love themselves again.

No person is worth taking one's own life. I been there before too. I was suicidal and my STBX was my cheerleader for me to take my life. In a way I did not want to give him any satisfaction that he got to me. I did not want my children to end up with him, without me and what I chicken I was for allowing my mind to let me give up that easy.

Working on your relationship is hard work! Communication is a vital factor in a troubled relationship. There is also prayer, counseling and support groups for couple's and individuals for help as well. Finding a person you can trust and lean on during troubles is also wonderful to have!

It doesn't matter if you are in a old love or new love. Challenges are in all relationships, even one's without abuse.

Fear and leaving

"You are a piece worthless piece of *hit!"
"Get out of my face! You make me sick!"
"You won't make it without me!"

These words and more can make a person, man/woman/child heartsick.

Words can paralyze you and devaste you.

Fear can grip at your heart causing you to rethink any plans or thoughts of making an escape.

You second guess yourself.

You may believe after time everything he/she says is true. You think to yourself that you are worthless, you aren't with a damn, you are (fat, lazy, stupid or fill in the blank), you won't be able to survive without this person.

WRONG!

It is hard to make that step and to never to return.

It is hard to file that Order of Protection or to take steps to call the police.

It is hard to start again!

BUT,

You CAN do it!
You CAN survive alone!
You CAN make a new life
You CAN make a better life
And you CAN be FREE!

Fear keeps many victims tied to they're abuser. Fear is the biggest reasons I stayed with my abuser. And to this day there is a bit of fear left over, residual fear that still knocks the wind out of me from time to time.

I had a nightmare the other day and I woke up upset. It is bad enough to still dream about the abuse and my abuser but it is worse because in my dream I woke up in my dream still with my abuser! I had to wake myself up again and breathed a sigh of relief it was just a dream!

Of course I couldn't fall back to sleep because all I saw was my abuser again when I closed my eyes. In my dream I didn't see his face (I know it well) I just woke up in my dream with his back turned to me and I know what his back looks like and our old bedroom.

Fear had a hold of my heart again, briefly and quickly. The rest of the day was a blur but that dream haunted me for the the remaining days ahead.

Financially many are held hostage by their abusers. Mental games are often used as often as name calling and put down's. With the fear of being homeless or penniless on a mind of a victim this can keep a person tied to they're  partner for years! I am still married to my abuser, though I pray for a day when we are can be set for a Finalization court date, I have the knowledge that I am free of never having to cater to his whims and wishes any more.

I don't have to be played with emotionally or have to listen to his ranting or raving. And I don't have the fear of when he gets home what is going to happen with the rest of my day/evening.

Though I still have fear about what my children will go through unsupervised with this man. I have armed them with the knowledge that they don't have to take his crap. They can still respect the man but they do not have to like his behavior now put up with it.

Thankfully we have had supervised visits for over 2 years and this has given them time to heal and become stronger.

Fear

Small word that causes BIG emotions and can do so much to a person.

Learning to control your own fears and moving on is a process that is slow and won't happen overnight. Learning to love oneself and to be able to talk to others about fear is a tool that many victims need to have on the road to recovering from abuse.

Fear is for a thrill ride
Fear is for a scary movie
Fear is for icky shots or medical procedures
Fear is not allowable in a relationship
Fear is not part of love
Fear is not allowed to grip your heart to terriorize you
Fear is should not keep you from leaving your abuser

Reactive Abuse

Escape Abuse!

“…stop making out people to be evil if they fight back. Or run away. As in divorce. You cannot force people to submit to abuse. That is the Sin of Sodom, otherwise known as making someone bend over for it. It violates the Laws of Nature. And common sense.” - Kathy Krajco
http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=118
Dedicated to Anyone Who Has Ever Been in an Abusive Relationship

« Why Couples Counseling in Abusive Relationships Doesn't Work

Personal Responsibility »

Let's Talk About Reactive Abuse

Feb 8th, 2008 by admin

"...stop making out people to be evil if they fight back. Or run away. As in divorce. You cannot force people to submit to abuse. That is the Sin of Sodom, otherwise known as making someone bend over for it. It violates the Laws of Nature. And common sense." - Kathy Krajco

If you've ever been in an abusive relationship like I have, it's likely your abuser tried to convince you that YOU are the abusive one: that YOU have PMS (a favorite accusation of male partners), YOU are over-reacting, YOU are the crazy one, that YOU are responsible for all the issues in the relationship, that YOU are the "time-bomb" that explodes on a regular basis. My ex-abuser even called me "Time Bomb" and mocked me about my reactions and responses to his constant abuse during the last 3-3.5 years of our relationship.
It's a pretty safe assumption that if you're getting this type of constant blame, mockery, and guilting from a partner in response to any and all issues that arise, you're in an abusive relationship.
As for your partner's assertion, yes - you may have sent angry emails or yelled or slammed doors or called names. So your abuser claims YOU were abusing him/her.
But it's more likely you were REACTING to being abused by your partner. What can make it even more difficult for you to see and understand at this point is that some of their abuse may be subtle and covert rather than obvious and overt. This causes further difficulty for you in identifying the abuse - and makes it easier for your abuser to convince you that it's all your fault, or the problem is really with YOU - that you're "crazy", or "imagining things".
They'll abuse you, and when you react to that abuse, they accuse YOU of abusing THEM and they play the victim role. They don't call it "crazymaking" for nothing!
This is the stage at which an abused partner often describes as being in the "fog" of abuse. Their abusive partner has guilted them in to accepting ALL blame for the issues in the relationship, and caused them to doubt their own perceptions of the mistreatment they're receiving.
It's not at all unusual for a person in an abusive relationship to REACT abusively. This does not mean YOU are the abuser, that you are crazy, have PMS etc. etc. - though the abusive partner will try to convince you that YOU are THE problem and will often succeed in guilting you into believing it. I believed it for a LONG time before I began to recognize and question the pattern of abuse and the subsequent constant blame for the abuse, and worse, the ensuing mockery because I dared respond at all to having been hurt by it.
An interesting thing to note is that an abusive partner will often be very calm when you are upset and angry. This is because when they have finally succeeded in causing your reaction of hurt, upset or anger, then THEY are in power and control over you. THIS is what abuse is about: POWER and CONTROL. And like a drug addict, they get a lot of satisfaction out of that feeling of power and control. Abusers are very disordered people in this way.
The important thing for you to know is that this relationship and this person is toxic, unhealthy, and you need to get out of it and away from this person ASAP. They are emotional vampires, sucking away from you every iota of self-esteem and spirit you ever had. (then they will complain when you have none!)
If someone can drive you to be so upset on a regular basis (and abusers are experts at this - it gives them the sense of superiority, power and control they absolutely LIVE for) then the best thing to do is GET OUT and have NO FURTHER contact with that toxic person, if it is possible for you to do so.

The thing with abusers is that they are pathologically backwards people.
Lundy Bancroft touches on this in his book. Abusive, toxic people only consider and notice THEIR own feelings and their partner's behavior. They never, EVER consider or notice their PARTNER'S FEELINGS and their own behavior.
When they're abusive, (verbally, emotionally, sexually, physically, financially - covertly or overtly) it is always someone else's fault. When their partner/victim finally reacts to that abuse with anger or upset at having been abused - then that is their partner/victim's fault too.
In their minds, it never gets down to their OWN behavior and how it affects their partner's feelings. They like to pretend that isn't relevant, or anything they should ever be responsible for. They ALWAYS lack empathy for their partners (beyond the early "romance" stages when they're trying to pull you in). This lack of empathy is the mark of the beast of abuse - more than anything else.
Here's some information that may also help explain this "reactive abuse" concept a little more:
How do you know that you are not the one who is crazy or PMS'ing and that he is really emotionally abusive?

Answer

You are being abused if:
(1) He repeats a certain behavior (ie: pattern of behavior)
(2) You asked him to stop (for whatever reason).
(3) He refuses and continues to behave the way he has.
You may well be abusing him - but that does not mean that he is not being abusive towards you. Both parties are sometimes abusive towards each other.
People who are abusers rarely consider that they might be abusive. Even if the stresses of the relationship lead into what might be considered reactive abuse, anyone who honestly tries to adjust to the other person's actual needs, actively listens to the other person, and makes every attempt to stop such behavior, probably is not an abuser.
Abusers do not take responsibility for their own behavior, and in fact often blame the person they're abusing for it. When the abused person reacts to the abuse, the abuser claims their reaction is abuse, and will use guilt to try to get their partner to feel responsible for the abuser's behavior.
This is one of the reasons getting away from an abuser is so important. Everything clarifies then.