No guts! No glory!

There is little to be said about a man (or woman) that beats on another person.
I have a hard time digesting the case studies and the psycho mumbo jumbo that I find to support the fact that many abusers had a rough life growing up so they continue a cycle.

I believe in choices!

I believe right from wrong and knowing well enough once the person is old enough to distinguish between the two.

I believe that once the person acts on a impulse to harm another that it gets easier to repeat again down the road.

I believe that staying in this type of relationship with Mr. or Mrs. Psycho Gaslighter Abuser or whatever you want to call this person is not an easy choice to choose.

We each have to decide when enough is enough.

We each have to decide that road to destruction or the path to being a victim due to placing blinders up is our choice.

I had a choice to leave the SOB many times.

I choose to stay due to his intimidation.

I choose to stay because I would have no money or job, no place to go.

I believed every lie he told me to keep me with him. I choose to believe every lie that I wouldn't make it without him.

I choose to believe that our relationship was "Normal".

I choose to believe his apologizes and he would never do it again.

I made my choice by saying Yes to everything he told me. To making excuses for his behavior and his actions to family and friends.

I choose my private hell.

I choose to stay.

I choose to believe I could make him change or help him to change.

I choose to believe that he loved me and all the lies he told me that tore my spirit down to shreds to make himself feel better or come out on top.

I allowed him to take pieces of me because of the hard on he got from hurting me.

I take part of the responsibility for the way things turned out. But...

There comes a time when enough is enough. You get tired of the name calling, the punches, or bloody lips or just the nervousness of not knowing if it will be a good day or bad day when he/she comes through that door.

Leaving.

Honey! It isn't easy! No sugar coating it! Prince charming in many cases isn't around the corner to swoop in and save the day. If there is a man around the corner, more then likely he is wearing tin foil. Beware of a wolf in sheep clothing! Jumping out of a relationship soon after the taking the leap of faith isn't a wise choice!

Heading the nearest bar or dance club isn't the answer either.


YOU HAVE TO HEAL!

This takes time! Now I am talking many months to YEARS!

Remember during this time of separation he/she will tell you everything you want to hear (even if it the 5th time you left!). They promise to change for real this time! Promise to take meds or kick the drug/alcohol habit! They promise to never do whatever they did to you (kids) again.

You will hear begging.


You will hear pleading.

You may get flowers.

Offers to buy you things or dinner/lunch.


If a number or days or weeks go by you may hear things like:


Who are you seeing?
Were you *ucking someone all this time?
Or I know you are seeing someone else!
It's your fault we didn't work out! If you only didn't make me mad or fly off the handle we wouldn't have problems!
You didn't make the appointments for the counseling!
You didn't take my drugs or alcohol away. You must not love me!
If you really loved me you wouldn't leave me.
I suffered from abuse from you all these years don't lie to people and say it was me! (popular one used by these abusers!)


It quickly yo-yo's back until your reserve is down and you long to keep the relationship together so you cave!


Well, he/she wants to just talk. What's the harm in that?


The harm is they really don't want to be alone. They have molded you and vested time making you into the punching bag they neurotically love to beat down with words or fists. Whether in a lucid or drug induced state when this happens. It is wrong!

They have you where they want you!


Be strong! It is hard! Your nose has taken on a Karl Malden look. (I personally don't cry as pretty as Demi Moore did in Ghost). I went through countless boxes of tissue even though I was thrilled and relieved to be gone there was a mourning period.

Leaving is a hard thing.
It takes guts to stand up and leave. It takes guts to know when enough is enough! There is glory and when you finally have had the balls to leave you will have glory, peace and your sanity back. It takes time but it will happen!


Learn to love you again! I've said this countless times. Find you again! The "You" that loved life. The "You" that had aspirations of good things. The "You" that had friends or found joy in doing whatever tickled you. Take time to rediscover "You".

Be safe my friend! If you don't have a safety plan please do so! Check out previous entries about Safety plans or Safety. Let other close friends and family know what is going on in your life. Don't keep it a secret any longer!

So you left him now what?

Your eyes are red, nose looks like Rudolph, salt stains seem to be perminately tattooed to your cheeks, so now what?

Stop checking your email and phone for messages from him.

Think about your future. It seems bleak right now.

You may be in a situation where you have no job, no place to go and no money. If you have kids you have an additional worry.

IF you planned your escape then I am hoping you had a "Go Bag" together so you aren't left without things you really need or important papers. Hopefully you have a small stash of cash on hand. If not make sure you find contact information for the nearest Women's shelter. They can provide you with information to help you on your new journey!

This is a new start for you! You can make it! Brush off those thoughts of doing yourself harm or getting revenge on him. It's pointless!

Put your Big Girl panties on and realize you can make it!

Make a list of everything you can think of that you have together. From the toaster to the ice trays!
Make a list of where you want to be in 6 months, a year or 2 years!

Do things you always wanted to do! Take up a new hobby! Spend time with your kids or pets. Learn to love yourself all over again.

Small steps but you can do it!

We moved!

We did it! I wish I could share where we are but the only thing I can say is that we are still in Indiana and within 100 miles of Crazy Man. I feel relieved! It happened so fast!

I hope to notify the court of a new PO Box soon. I need proof of residency first. Figures! But I got to tell you it is so nice not to have to look over my shoulder!

Oh I don't want to get cocky! The week before we were all out my son texted me that he wanted to know if Dad knew where were moving to... YIKES! Never another comment though.

So that's it! Hope to stay safe! Wishing everyone finds the strength to leave and to learn to love themselves again.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Leaving Mr. or Ms. Abuser

So you have decided to do it or for whatever reason you are out!

YEA YOU!

If you had time to plan your big leap great!

If you didn't and are out of the house and wonder how to get your things from the bum think about this.

Your alive! THINGS can be REPLACED! Staying in a toxic relationship because you have property that you are fixing up together or selling or because you will be damned if you leave first is stupid!

Get your head out of your butt!

There is no price tag on your life or the lives of your child or pets.

I ended up selling or throwing out the things I did manage to get back from Rob because of the memories attached. The things that he broke or sold instead of giving them back to me after time I realized I really didn't need them.

Check out my Checklist for leaving your abuser entry if you have time to plan.

There is never a good time to leave a relationship. But there is never a bad time to leave a toxic abusive relationship!

Stay safe!

Thankful but falling apart

Happy Thanksgiving! Oh there is so much to say but I can't right now.

I can't help but feel as though I am falling apart at the seams. Even years later I can not handle any kind of confrontation without feeling as though I am a failure, stupid or an idiot. Small critisms cave my spirit in so much that I have been a bundle of tears and confusion lately. So much so I  even had a small thought in my head just to end it all for me. This is not the first time I have entertained these thoughts over the years, knowing well enough that my beliefs of it being a sin are so strong. Yet, I have felt so defeated and tired of it all.

I pause and look at my kids. That brings me back to reality.

If I did something foolish they would go back to Crazy Man. Of course the baby would stay with Terry, but the girls...

Then I think about how selfish I'm being. Poor me! Poor me! Buck up Girl, you have come this far!

I had many people in the past and present mention they were envious of me or jealous.

I scratch my head and wonder why?

My past life in my roller coaster of a marriage was marked with havoc and secrets. A false smile plastered on my face when Crazy Man was around. Pretending to love the man whom over the years I had secretly despised. Hating to go home. Not knowing what would be around the corner when I got home or while I was sleeping would he choke me or smother me with his pillow.

Our private life was a mess.

The life presently has been much better by leaps and bounds yet there is still quite a bit of drama ranging from death threats, continued stalking and harassment via text, emails or on an occassion a phone call.

I feel defeated in so many ways. I had a fantasy that once I left him all would well. We wouldn't see him again.

Fantasy can be nice, but the reality of the matter is he will continue to be a thorn in my side for a long time. His continued obession with me coming back to him is even crazier then my fantasy of never seeing him again.

The nightmares, panic attacks, bouts of crying are all things that still haunt me. A past I can't seem to shake and that it's claws dug pretty deep with no intentions of departing from my memories anytime soon.

I have issues with my older daughter. She is so much like her dad that it's scary. I've discussed this with the new GAL and hope to glean more tactics on nipping that in the bud!

I can't understand why anyone would be jealous or envious of my life or me.

Update on the circus of my divorce

I received a letter in the mail.

The GAL on the case is going on vacation and will not be back until after Thanksgiving, so STBX's attorney wrote a letter regarding this and that he will ask for a continuance.

Well! I haven't went to the Dentist. I am still covered by his health insurance until we are finalized. I know the first thing many I have encountered when they hear that is to get everything under the sun tucked, nipped and nicked.

I have done one thing I wanted to do for the longest time... I went under the knife for bladder surgery. After then 3 kids, my bladder was so very weak I wet myself when I sneezed, laughed and coughed.Pitiful! So I got the surgery! LOVE my sling! Everything else I did was just routine checkups.

I so want to be free of him.
Calling me his wife or my loving husband

After almost 3 years get a life

I hate the feeling of fear

I am getting better.

I see the effects of the past abuse with the girls. The behavior and how they perceive the world around them is so different between the two of them and just makes me feel mad as well as happy with the choice I made to leave the madness.

I have a confession. I have been feeling so nervous and worried. Oh, I know what is unusual about that? Or what else is new?

I pee'd my pants during a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. It was about STBX and so real that I pee'd my pants in my dream and in real life. I woke up in a panic, my heart racing, sweaty and embarassed that I had to wake up Terry to announce my accident.

When does it end? When can I look at some random item and not STILL break into tears or stepback in victim mode? Breaking free of the years of programming to find myself. To be someone the girls can look back to and not remember a quivering mess of snot or panic when "he" is around or called?

Since the Protective Order has been lifted the neighbor says she see's "him" around more often. I got a call from "him" on Saturday while I was out with girls. I know it was him. No one spoke on the other line they just listened. The call came from his Mom's house and he is working on the basement. (Yes, he has been "working" on it for more then several months). He is a terrible procrastinator and in usual fashion he is taking his time. Hell's bell's if anyone ticks him off during this time because he will walk off, leaving it undone. Example is his older sister's basement in which he almost completed after too many months and then something set him off and he left them high and dry, not returning to finish.

GOSH! I'm super happy we are not living there anymore! BIG CHEESY SMILE!

I received the paperwork for the Supervised visit info and intake forms. The cost is $45.00 per hour! It can be on a sliding scale if need be and since magically his income went down over $20,000.00 in less then a year. I am sure he will be able to work out something. The visits are set up for 5 hours. The next court date is quickly approaching, no word from the GAL and of course no visitation set up yet. So I'm guessing yet another set back in the seemingly never ending divorce.

I'm so frustrated and want to throw the covers over my head, staying in bed and not leaving the house. Getting going seems to take me awhile, I'm more forgetful then ever, oh, it's little things! Forgetting things for groceries, sadly I forgot to wish my Dad Happy Birthday months ago! I forget conversations that happened 10 mins after I have had them! Age? I'm not sure but frustrated. Feeling terribly whiny and unable to just function. My exercise is on the back burner. No job prospects. Hoping to find something I can do out of the house. Maybe clean houses? Something I can do and take Mini Man with me or something I can take him with that has childcare not far away or expensive.

My Student loan is mocking me, growing in interest monthly and no nibbles. I went to an interview at a Chiropractor's office and felt really good about it. I can do the job! I swear it had my name on it! But apparently so did over 15 or 20 other people. SIGH! Hoping the Doula services would come into play soon. I have a ache and itch in my heart, knowing that something is around the corner, that I am meant to do something helpful. Even this blog has been a great thing for me, to know that other's know they are not alone in the fight to keep surviving, not only in day to day but in legal land as well.

I'm not perfect
I'm learning new things daily
I stumble often
I question myself way too much and fail to keep leaning on the Lord
I question Him (God) about my path
I don't open up enough to my loved ones
I hate confrontation
I hate fighting
I hate swearing (A nasty habit that I try not to use. I end up saying "Oh Sugar!" or "Son of a Building Block" it's all the same, still swearing! LOL!)
I am human
Many times I force a smile when I don't really want to smile at all
I try to treat others as I like to be treated
The girls and I do not have a perfect relationship (J and the rest of us frequently butt heads. She is need of definate counseling and I can't put it off anymore. She is also 13 and knows it all! I was never 13 and can't know anything of being that age and she is 13 going on 30)

I can see why many victims and survivors turn to drugs and alcohol! I don't drink often and usually split a bottle of wine with Terry during our dinner meal. More then 3 glasses and I'm giggling like crazy! I don't do more then 4 or 5 otherwise I get a "hot" feeling and I don't like that. So I have never gotten throw up drunk. YUCK! I have gotten a headache after but nothing more. OOOPPPSSS! Sorry rambling!

I was asked the question "Are you happy?" (Terry)
I have didn't know how to answer that! In the past the question was turned into:
"I hope your happy now!"
"See what you did! I hope your happy!"
"Whatever do what makes you happy"
"Does making me hit you or yell at you make you happy?"

All filled with rage. Not sincere. Not genuinely interested if I'm happy or creating happiness.
I didn't know how to really answer that at first. Took me awhile to process. I am happier. I struggle daily but yes, I am happy!

Thanks for listening!

God bless!