The anticipation of another court date. My stomach is tied up in knots just thinking about it. I am trying to psych myself up and remind myself that all will be well. Knowing now that the silence on the other end is due to STBX finding this.
I liked it better when I heard he had a gf. It was bliss! Not a peep from him, no rantings about me coming back to him, or sinning against God or claims I am abusing him/kids or how Terry is brainwashing me. It was quiet. I long for a time when the only time I hear his name is years later. I know we will be entertwined until our youngest is 18 at least.
I am wishing for this date and the upcoming status date to be done. I am wishing for his craziness to be at a distance from us.
I found a youtube video that shook me up yestreday. It's a service announcement featuring Keira Knightley. It reminds me of a time...
I have been looking at emails all day from STBX and our son. I have to admit I am feeling pretty intense right now. Break out the Kleenex! Gaining confidence in my life has been a challenge. No it's not a pity party, it is me trying to find confidence not only in my appearance but success with business and my relationships. Google time for me!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
April is Child Abuse Prevention Month!
I am horrified by the headlines of National and Worldwide stories. Babies, children and young adults that are brutilized, raped and beaten.These victims don't have someone to care or protect them.
Recent stories of one 4 yr old have his penis taken off by an angry mom. Another beating her young son because she thought he was walking guy.
Another child hung upside down, beaten with electrical cords, fists and left to die while his Mom and her boyfriend had sex, all because he didn't want to eat his breakfast.
Or I heard of the news story yesterday of the Grandmother that was upset her 9 yr old grandchild wouldn't stop crying (I'm not sure why, I didn't hear the whole story) so she cut the child's throat with a circular saw.
How about the parents that left a small baby in the car for 8 days without heat, food or water?
The heartbreaking stories go on and on! What can you do? Your just one person? Do me a favor, next time you see something that doesn't seem right or maybe you know of a family that harms a child (please make sure you know for sure and not just gossip). Tell the police, ask them to do a wellness check! You can ask the police to make sure you are anymous if you are concerned.
Do something! BE BRAVE! Break the silence! You could save a life!
God bless!
Mel
The Self Esteem Factor
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page13.htm
The Self-Esteem Factor
Healthy self-esteem means feeling good about yourself...
When you have high self-esteem, you create energy in your life to make things happen.
When you feel good about yourself, it is easier to know you matter, and what you do does make a difference. Be aware that every negative belief diminishes your ability to value yourself.
Low self-esteem comes in a variety of packages. Some try to cover up their low self-esteem with lots of accomplishments and trappings while others almost flaunt their failures. Low self-esteem manifests itself in diverse ways and is often illusive to self and others.
Healthy Self-Esteem means feeling good about yourself, and this does not mean you are conceited. Rather, you have a positive attitude about yourself and pride in your accomplishments.
"Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
Symptoms of Low Self -Esteem
If you answer "Yes " to any of these, then stress, anxiety, fear could be affecting your life, with or without your awareness.
- Do you have self-blame, self-consciousness, shame or guilt?
- Do you find it difficult to trust others?
- Do you feel guilty without always knowing why? Worry, anxiety, obsessive thinking?
- Do you have feelings of negativity, pessimism, irritability?
- Do you have feelings of alienation, of hopelessness, indecisiveness, confusion, hard to think?
- Is living alone or independently unthinkable?
What Causes Low Self -Esteem?
- Dysfunctional family
- Death of a loved one
- Abused as a child
- Divorce (especially a bitter one)
- Destruction or loss of personal or sentimental property
- Inability to manage finances or hold a job
- Insufficient emotional or physical comfort
- Emotional, physical, mental, verbal... all types of abuse
Self-esteem is the value we place on ourselves. Enhancing and repairing your self-esteem is the best thing you can do for your health and recovery. Self-esteem determines how you live. It determines how you talk, how you handle your relationships, what career you choose, what kind of lifestyle you create, and how you think, feel and act.
| Your self-esteem is one thing in your life that is in your control, and it influences everything in your life. |
Building Up Your Self-Esteem - Use these stepping stones
- Stand and walk with good posture.
- Take a strong commitment and a conscious effort to succeed in building your own self esteem.
- The next time you make a mistake, be forgiving of yourself.
- Redefine "selfish". Learn to love yourself and to take care of your needs effectively. You can get your needs met and still have love in your life.
- Take responsibility for your life and your well-being and STOP taking responsibility for other people's lives. It's great to help people, but they are still responsible for their own situations and actions.
- Spend more time with people who encourage you, and less time with people who discourage you.
- Eat nourishing meals and exercise, and remind yourself that you are worth it.
- As you make new choices, set out a plan and get a support partner.
- Treat yourself with a warm bath, a massage or a good book. Treat yourself with deliberate acts of
The Ten Commandments of Self-Esteem
1] Thou shalt not consort with people who make thee feel bad about thyself.
2] Thou shalt cease trying to make sense of crazy behaviour.
3] Thou shalt not keep company with those more dysfunctional than thyself.
4] Trust thy body all the days of thy life [ Thy mind doth fornicate with thee ].
5] Thou hast permission at all times to say "NO", to change thy mind, and to express thy true feelings.
6] What is not right for thee is not right for thy brethern.
7] Thou shalt not give beyond thine own capacity.
8] What thy brethern think of thee mattereth naught.
9] Wherever thou art, therein also is the party.
10] Thou shalt sing thine own praises all the days of thy life.
[ The Ten Commandments of Self-Esteem © by Catherine Cardinal. Thank you for making this information available ]
Heart 2 Heart gratefully acknowledges and sincerely thanks all resources :)
Battered Women's Syndrome
Battered Woman Syndrome: What are the Characteristics?
On Wednesday, June 23, 2010 - 15:34
According to Dr. Lenore E. Walker, a prominent expert on battered women, a woman must experience at least two complete battering cycles before she can be labeled a “battered woman”. The cycle has three phases. First the tension-building phase, followed by the explosion or acute battering incident, then the calm, loving respite- often referred to as the honeymoon phase.
Battered woman syndrome describes a set of symptoms found in woman living in battering relationships. The four general characteristics are:
The woman believe it’s her fault
The woman’s inability to place the responsibility of the violence elsewhere
The woman fears for her life and/or her children’s lives.
The woman has the belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.
Women need to know that according to research spousal abuse does not typically stem from a problem with the relationship, but instead begins with the man’s emotional insecurities, low self-esteem and abusive behaviors witnessed in his childhood.
There are many reasons a woman would stay in an abusive relationship. Among them: reinforcement during the honeymoon stage after being beaten, loss of self-esteem, women feel they are the peacekeepers in a relationship, adverse financial consequences, Threats from the batterer to kill self or children, learned helplessness.
Many of these women still love the abuser even after they leave, by whatever methods. But they must understand that in order for the battering spouse to change he must go through a two step process to get help for his abusiveness. First he must suffer negative consequences for the violent behavior and then he must go through specialized spouse abuse counseling. If drugs or alcohol were involved he must also be treated for the addiction.
The batterer must believe and accept these five concepts:
Accept responsibility for the abuse
Understand the use of abuse to control partner
Understand the level of emotional dependency on the part of the abuser
Gain the ability to recognize low levels of anger and to use anger management techniques
Have empathy for the victim
Once outside of the abusive relationship a woman can overcome the feelings of inadequacy and helplessness that were brainwashed into her while being in an abusive relationship.
To read more on this subject please visit: Battered Woman Syndrome
Battered woman syndrome describes a set of symptoms found in woman living in battering relationships. The four general characteristics are:
The woman believe it’s her fault
The woman’s inability to place the responsibility of the violence elsewhere
The woman fears for her life and/or her children’s lives.
The woman has the belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.
Women need to know that according to research spousal abuse does not typically stem from a problem with the relationship, but instead begins with the man’s emotional insecurities, low self-esteem and abusive behaviors witnessed in his childhood.
There are many reasons a woman would stay in an abusive relationship. Among them: reinforcement during the honeymoon stage after being beaten, loss of self-esteem, women feel they are the peacekeepers in a relationship, adverse financial consequences, Threats from the batterer to kill self or children, learned helplessness.
Many of these women still love the abuser even after they leave, by whatever methods. But they must understand that in order for the battering spouse to change he must go through a two step process to get help for his abusiveness. First he must suffer negative consequences for the violent behavior and then he must go through specialized spouse abuse counseling. If drugs or alcohol were involved he must also be treated for the addiction.
The batterer must believe and accept these five concepts:
Accept responsibility for the abuse
Understand the use of abuse to control partner
Understand the level of emotional dependency on the part of the abuser
Gain the ability to recognize low levels of anger and to use anger management techniques
Have empathy for the victim
Once outside of the abusive relationship a woman can overcome the feelings of inadequacy and helplessness that were brainwashed into her while being in an abusive relationship.
To read more on this subject please visit: Battered Woman Syndrome
Author's Bio
Su Ericksen is a first degree TaeKwonDo black belt and has taught self defense workshops. She lives in the Midwest with her family and works at a large medical center in the cardiology clinic. You may contact her through her website. Self Defense-4-Women.com
Su Ericksen is a first degree TaeKwonDo black belt and has taught self defense workshops. She lives in the Midwest with her family and works at a large medical center in the cardiology clinic. You may contact her through her website. Self Defense-4-Women.com
Guess who found my blog!
Great! I mean that sincerely! I have come a long way and am proud of my path thus far. I still have alot of work to do but for the most part YEEHAW!!
I have nothing to hide anymore. I can freely talk about my past without regret or worry. I even had to giggle at a email I received from him that he received from someone I mentioned a week ago in a forward he sent to me (I hope that makes sense!). He sent her a LONG letter about how he was abused by me! GIGGLE! It made me laugh!
Many abusers can not take responsibility for they're actions and when they speak to others they do make themselves to look better. Why would anyone want to be branded as an abuser? Heck of course I didn't want to be seen as a victim. I was ashamed for so long!
There is no glory about the experiences that we experienced.
There is no money to be made.
There is no success.
There are lives to be put back together.
There are trust issues.
There are self esteem issues.
I have witnesses to many of the events I tell about. I never asked for things that I experienced, despite STBX saying I did. I have people willing to go to court with me to stand up for my parenting and me as a person! I was very touched! I do not feel that is necessary but I am touched.
My wish for my Gaslighter is to move on. To leave me alone. To become a great Dad for our kids! To find a person that will make him happy. For years this was a big discussion with us. I always felt like I failed him and felt as though he wanted more then I could give. Of course I later found out that most of what I experienced was not uncommon among Abusers. And that I wasn't going nuts! He made me feel as though I was! He took bits of my self esteem little by little to make himself feel better.
I am ok, dusting myself off and making a new beginning for me, making one for us.
I have nothing to hide anymore. I can freely talk about my past without regret or worry. I even had to giggle at a email I received from him that he received from someone I mentioned a week ago in a forward he sent to me (I hope that makes sense!). He sent her a LONG letter about how he was abused by me! GIGGLE! It made me laugh!
Many abusers can not take responsibility for they're actions and when they speak to others they do make themselves to look better. Why would anyone want to be branded as an abuser? Heck of course I didn't want to be seen as a victim. I was ashamed for so long!
There is no glory about the experiences that we experienced.
There is no money to be made.
There is no success.
There are lives to be put back together.
There are trust issues.
There are self esteem issues.
I have witnesses to many of the events I tell about. I never asked for things that I experienced, despite STBX saying I did. I have people willing to go to court with me to stand up for my parenting and me as a person! I was very touched! I do not feel that is necessary but I am touched.
My wish for my Gaslighter is to move on. To leave me alone. To become a great Dad for our kids! To find a person that will make him happy. For years this was a big discussion with us. I always felt like I failed him and felt as though he wanted more then I could give. Of course I later found out that most of what I experienced was not uncommon among Abusers. And that I wasn't going nuts! He made me feel as though I was! He took bits of my self esteem little by little to make himself feel better.
I am ok, dusting myself off and making a new beginning for me, making one for us.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Document! Document! Document!
I have learned many lessons during this whole tangled mess! I had a friend that told me to think about the things I learned from leaving my husband. I have been thinking a little bit here and there about this. I can rightful say so far I have a small list of things:1) I should have documented everything related to the abuse. Took pictures, described the assault, what he said to me during the assault, and what the results after were. Calling the police! Now anytime I make a call, receive an email or a text message I save it. Technically you are not to record any calls and so on. But I would be lying if I say I have not.
2) I can not trust my husband
3) I CAN make it without him, despite his opinions about needing him
4) His shortcomings are not my fault
5) I DID try and there is no reason to keep blaming myself for any demise and eventually breakdown of our marriage
6) I CAN accomplish anything I set my mind to
7) I should have told someone!
8) Share my story
That's what I have for now!
During the divorce process documenting everything is of the uptmost importance. From acts of violence to accounting for finances. Not being left in the dark about accounts, important documents and so on.
I can not leave physically to pick up and move more then 100 miles away from our abuser. It is really stinky and frustrating for myself as well as countless others that have children with they're abuser. In most states, if you have children together, regardless if he/she is still abusive, there is still visits with this person.
As outraged as I was after finding this out, I was told that there has to be something dramatic and tragic in order for a judge to rule otherwise. There are programs available for Social Security number changes and address changes that can be implemented to protect the victim. BUT, if you can not do these things, you can scratch your head, yell, shout and get really aggravated about the situation. Or you can remain proactive for your own safety by:
1) If you are meeting your abuser for visitation exchange, court, meetings, your whereabouts, etc... Make sure you have a person that can be a emergency contact and is aware of any meetings, that you can call before and after. This person should know to call the police if they have gotten in touch with you by a certain time. You may even consider a special password so if you say it they know you are in trouble!
2) Set up a phone number, email address P.O. Box just for your abuser to reach you at. I know from personal experience that finding 20+ emails or text messages can be a real downer. I was upset and dreaded opening my email box or hearing the buzz going off in my phone, knowing it was my husband. Providing him with an alternate way of reaching me has been a challenge but rewarding for my peace of mind, I make sure I check the mail at least every few days or so and once I do receive it I was told by my old attorney to return messages and so on within 24 hours of receiving.
3) This goes with #1- Meet in a PUBLIC PLACE! Do not be afraid to let the police know that this meeting is happening, I had an incident prior to my Order of Protection, that I felt threatened and before the meeting 2 police men were eating lunch, I briefly explained the situation and they stood outside casually while we did the exchange, unbeknownst to my husband. OR meet at the police station!
4) Make sure your cell phone is charged at all times! Keep a car charger available with you as well.
5) Do not be afraid to carry mace or a horn with you to scare or to protect yourself! If you can take a self defense course. Youtube has many videos on self defense protection! I'm going to check some out myself. Terry and I had went through some planned attacks just to see if I could handle myself if need be.
6) Don't show fear! Oh! this is a hard one! Your spirit has been wounded from this person and you may have never fought back before. Do not show fear! Do not allow your abuser know you are scared.
7) Keep those windows rolled up! Everytime my dropped off or picked up my kids my abuser was in my window quicker then you can blink. For what? To intimidate me, to attack me, to take my purse or keys out of the ignition, anything he could do to scare me or get me out of the car. Keeping the windows rolled up did help alot, though he still pounded on them and it ticked him off, I remained as safe as I could be. I also made sure the kids got in the van on the passenger side in the back and not anywhere near the drivers seat. Oh, yes, my abuser tried to get me from the back seat!
8) Be aware of your surroundings! Keep an eye out for his/her can at all time. It is a crappy way to live but surviving is what it is all about! Don't let your guard down!
9) Remember you can do it! Don't let those promises of not doing it again fool ya! If he/she is able to make a change that is excellent! I am all for keeping a family together! Just be careful, make sure you notice any subtle changes in your children. In the last year my abuser and I were together he began to be more forceful and used mental games on the kids while I was not home. And he threatened them not to tell!
10) Deactivate GPS on your phone! If you take pics from cell phone and post them on the web they too can give away your location! Do not tweet or Facebook where you are, who you are going with or where you are heading to.
I guess I have learned alot while I have been away from my husband. It has been well over 2 years and sadly he still believes I am coming back...Sunday, April 3, 2011
Emergency hearing!
I received notice in the mail from the GAL of two things~
1) An Emergency hearing is slated for April 13th! So now we have to get the Paternity test done this week! YIKES! I thought I had more time to get the $$$ together for it. SIGH!
2) The GAL is withdrawing as the GAL on our case. I have no clue where this puts us. Seems like we are at the mercy of court right now. I'm praying for an ending to this mess before the end of the year.
STBX has an agenda to do nothing more then lie about the abuse and he says I was abusive... Firstly anyone that knows me can tell that is not true. Second I have witnesses to abuse whether verbal, emotional and so on... He admitted on numerous occassions that he was sorry for mistreatment. I'm so done with this mess!
A friend I talked to told me I needed to forgive myself for leaving my son, I do feel burdened with guilt about that. Also she said I have low self esteem issues that I really need to rediscover myself and realize that I am a good person. I also am very low about my looks. STBX pounded into me many times that I was ugly, stupid, a disgusting pig, wetback, spic, whore, etc... You get the picture. I need to make a list of short term goals for business, both my Doula and crafts. Both I have been sitting on for some reason. And I need to make a new vision board. Now for my laundry and then some houseclean up.
Tomorrow I will work on making appointments for the Paternity test.
1) An Emergency hearing is slated for April 13th! So now we have to get the Paternity test done this week! YIKES! I thought I had more time to get the $$$ together for it. SIGH!
2) The GAL is withdrawing as the GAL on our case. I have no clue where this puts us. Seems like we are at the mercy of court right now. I'm praying for an ending to this mess before the end of the year.
STBX has an agenda to do nothing more then lie about the abuse and he says I was abusive... Firstly anyone that knows me can tell that is not true. Second I have witnesses to abuse whether verbal, emotional and so on... He admitted on numerous occassions that he was sorry for mistreatment. I'm so done with this mess!
A friend I talked to told me I needed to forgive myself for leaving my son, I do feel burdened with guilt about that. Also she said I have low self esteem issues that I really need to rediscover myself and realize that I am a good person. I also am very low about my looks. STBX pounded into me many times that I was ugly, stupid, a disgusting pig, wetback, spic, whore, etc... You get the picture. I need to make a list of short term goals for business, both my Doula and crafts. Both I have been sitting on for some reason. And I need to make a new vision board. Now for my laundry and then some houseclean up.
Tomorrow I will work on making appointments for the Paternity test.
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