A little about me

Friday, January 27, 2012

What are your dreams?

I posted this today on my other blog but felt it is fitting here as well.

I had a lovely visit with a neighbor from our old neighborhood stop in to visit us yesterday. She brought us lunch, which could feed an army and left overs are plenty! YUM!

We got to talking about life and situations.

Which of course had me thinking about my own decisions. I shared with her a bit about my own life and how I couldn't see staying in a marriage where my love and joy was gone. I had been beaten down physically, emotionally and mentally. I couldn't remember a real happy time between us. Oh, there were moments of bliss but they became far and few between. When they happened I languished in the thought that maybe my husband had changed or that it was a turning point.

They were always short lived.

A few events occurred and the thought that "This was it? Lord there has to be more! There has to be some happiness for us (the kids and I)." I made a choice after much thought and talking with my family and a few friends. So I left... Still not the easiest decision I made, but it was the best one for me, for the kids and my sanity.

This is honestly the best time of my life (short of being at home with Mom and Dad).

I feel free!

I have traveled more then ever!

I can share my thoughts and dreams with my partner openly.

I laugh more now.

Oh, I could go on and on! I found an email from Na-Da Farm Life which reminded me of some sage advice I had gotten from a friend, Kristy Robinett (www.tangledwishes.com). She is a life coach as well as a great listener! As a Survivor of Domestic Abuse we related to one another quickly and she inspired me in more ways then one. You can find many youtube videos from her about Vision Boards and other cool videos.

Here is a snippet of the email from Na-Da Farm Life:
Dreams are essential to a happy life........

I'm not telling you to go and forget your obligations...believe me when I tell you that my first priority is my vocation as wife...then mother.

but that doesn't make me stop dreaming

who doesn't like that exhilarating feeling of a new idea!! or reading something and saying almost out loud "yes!! I want to do that!!!" 

being a dreamer doesn't mean you have your head in the clouds with  your rose colored glasses on...

No one can escape the hardships of life........no one

but why do you see some people succeed? and you don't??
why is it that you work so hard and then your efforts don't get noticed??? 

First of all know this......
every single thing you do effects others

If you have to lock yourself in your room with that bar of sea-salted chocolate and warm cup of milk at night so you can read your new Joel Salatin book to escape the stress of the day...you are effecting others

When you pick your elderly neighbors apples and share your making of homemade jelly and delicious pie...you are effecting others

As you sit here are read this and wonder what you can do to help others while pursuing your dreams...you are effecting others

Here's a start:

  1. Get a piece of paper (or print out what I have below)
  2. Write down one dream you have always wanted to do
  3. Look at what you wrote
  4. Study what you wrote
  5. Say what you wrote out loud
  6. Start telling other people your dream
  7. Stop any negativity that comes into your thoughts in doubt pursuing that dream
Every action you perform is working toward that dream.

The people who achieve their dreams do not talk negatively or sarcastic, and ruin everyone else's lives in the process...think of what your priorities are, make sure you are fulfilling those...but do not forget your dream.

I may not be an Environmental Scientist like I thought or am a Sierra Club guide in the mountains, but my dream of changing the world is happening....with every word....every thought....every action I do.

here's something for you to print out and use in your pursuit of your dream:

Instead of guiding others in the mountains, I guide at least six others daily to acheive their dreams too

and as far as my husband?? ..he still has dreams...big dreams actually

but together, we are helping persue one another's dreams

peace + blessings,

Monday, January 23, 2012

Something positive!

Relearning to be in a relationship with others can be a tough thing to do. When you break free of your abuser you also break free of all the rules that he/she set for you! Now, I'm not saying go live wild, start partying, drinking, having wild sex or doing drugs. I have said this before! Sowing your wild oats after you leave a relationship is normal but remember the consequences:

Your crazy Psychopath/Narc/Gaslighter/Abuser or whatever you call 'em is still out and probably looking for you or for ammo to use against you in court or to turn your friends and family against you.

There are STD's out there!

Mr./Ms. Right that you may meet fresh out of a relationship maybe just as nuts as the person you just left or worse!

Invest in yourself! Give yourself some time to heal! If for some random reason you and your Abuser decide to reconcile PLEASE GIVE IT TIME FIRST!

Don't leave and then a week or 2 or a month later BELIEVE he/she has changed so you give them another chance only to find after a bit you are BACK in the same position you were when you left in the first place! IF you reconcile WAIT! Give it 6 months or a year or 2! Don't give in to his/her pleading or begging. Trust me you will survive without this person.

Give yourself the gift of time apart.
It does hurt!
It does ache!
You do question whether it's the right thing to do!
You wonder if you will be able to afford or survive alone (with or without kids).
You will struggle!
You will second guess yourself.
You will wonder if it was all in your head.
Or it wasn't as bad as you think or friends/family led you to believe.
You will feel bad because you will think he or she will kill themselves. Most Abusers are too chicken to pull this off. Crazy Man had 3 suicide attempts after I left him. Each time he made sure to let someone know what he was doing. He also threatened to do something to harm himself, me and the kids if we left him. (I don't trust him but do believe he doesn't have the balls to kill himself, he is way to into having a pity party for himself then to do this)

After time if your Abuser does change take it slow. On the anniversary of the moment you decide to get back together. Date each other. Don't jump the gun and play man and wife (or whatever) again.

Take it slow.

Personally, I don't believe a person is capable of changing. They are what they are. Small changes, such as cleaning up after one's self or putting the toliet seat down sure but to make a total 180 when they are so used to being a bully? I don't believe it. After 2 years Crazy Man still intends to harm me physically, emotionally and mentally. He says he has changed but if you have read the text message posts you can read he is still unstable. And sadly our son is OK with this...

Struggle, cry, lean on someone to get you through the transition. Don't talk to your Abuser after you leave him/her. Seriously! Save it for court or give yourself some time.

Drop off your children in a public place or meet to talk publicly and don't leave at the same time. Wait for him/her to leave first or ask a friend to go with you.

Do remind your children it's not their fault. Remind your  kids you both love them and you need them to concentrate on being a child. They need to focus on school and not about the rift between Mom and Dad.

Make a wish (vision board) cut out pictures from magazines or surround yourself with things that make you happy. A button, seashell, glitter (my favorite), ribbon, scented candle or whatever makes you smile! (have your kids join in!)

Make a list of 5 things daily that you are thankful for. ~ My favorite psychic/friend has given me many of these tips to use to help me! (Kristy Robinett at www.tangledwishes.com . She is a wonderful lady and a survivor of abuse too!)

Make a list of where you see yourself in 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years! Goes great with using a wish (vision) board.

Create a Bucket List! Places you want to see, things you want to do! I have to revise my own but even the smallest things can go on your list. Bake cookies with kids or for a homeless shelter. Go back to school! Try a new dish or learning a new craft.Going to the city or let your mind go crazy!

Don't forget to say some positive affirmations! When I first left I plastered affirmations all over my bath mirror and kept some in my purse when I needed encouragement.

Go get a haircut/nails done/massage.

Play games or play or read to your kids.

Eat well or better. EXERCISE! Whether it be a walk around the block or mall. Food can be a great comfort but it does nothing positive for you except your waistline! I still struggle with this...

Terry, God bless him, had managed to tell anyone he could about me singing. I was in choir for years, since about 2nd or 3rd grade until I was a Junior in high school. I loved it and had a deam of going to Hollywood of course to sing or dance. But Crazy Man squished that. He said I sounded too nasally and was too short to dance. So I allowed his opinion as a Junior in High school to rule me. I let that dream and many more go because I believed everything that came out of his mouth. Anyway, back to the present... So! I am going to sing in the church choir! I start rehearsing next Sunday. I'm anxious and nervous. It's been so long! I usually just sing when I am doing dishes, shower or when I think no one is around.

Wish me luck!
And no my hair isn't that white. I leaned my head against the wood work I was painting while Mini Man was napping. AGH! I usually get more on me then the whatever I'm painting... Truly for your giggles and enjoyment! SMOOCHES!

Crazy Man last text messages pt 4

** Now all the misspellings are as they came directly from my phone. Not for giggles**

Text messages from M  to my cell phone (219)3-07
December 26, 2011
10:40 pm – Just remember I told you once and I told you twice u wont evr hav anything to do with u unless u go back to dad and he is kibd enough to take u back so u be
10:40 pm – ttr think long and hard about what u want in life.  Ur running oitta time if sad marrys pearl thts it. Becuz dad isn’t a cheater
10:41 pm – In a way ur stupid and ur smart u keep tellin people u want dad move on but ik thts not true.
10:41 pm – Ive seen u purposely try to destroy the relationships dad was in
10:41 pm- I personally think ur stupid
10:42 pm – ik for a fact tht dads girlfriend woyld probably not stay with dad if dad had all 3 kids
10:42 pm – And it would be damn near impossible to find someone who would take3 kids
10:43 pm – So u keep screwing up in reverse
10:43 pm – Like I said u better do some long hard thinking
 (I found those above messages the next morning, I replied I hope he had a good Christmas and I love him and to have a great day)
Text message from M to my cell phone (219)4-07
December 27, 2011
9:15 am – You do not have the right to say that garbage to me and unless ur back with dad u never will have that right so think (I replied: To have a good day and I was sorry he felt that way but I still love him)
9:18 am-  I see you are trying to annoy me with pitiful garbage . once more you are. Not to talk to me unless u r with my dad do not text or talk to me unless so is done (I replied that I did not want negative messages from him and to please stop doing so. That I would be happy to talk with him positively)
9:28 am – I will text what I feel like. It’s a free country with freedom of speech. Deal with it
9:28 am – Or is me denying u too much
9:28 am – Because I can deny you and believe me it doesn’t bother me.
Text message from M’s girlfriend C cell phone (5)99 on December 27, 2011
9:29 am - Hello, this is M Allen’s girlfriend. He is so upset because you are trying to be nice to him when he knows your lieing. He wanted to see his sisters on Christmas and you wouldn’t let him. He is not a threat to them I don’t understand why you think he is. He cries every night because he is heartbroken because you don’t let him see his own sisters. You should let him see them he has done NOTHING wrong to hurt them or threaten then he is the sweetest gentleist person on this earth.
9:29 am – Arguing with me only shows that u r indeed a terrible mother
9:29 am – U hav no respect only seek to destroy me from the inside and out
9:30 am – Unfortunately for u I do not break
9:30 am – U will fail constantly
9:30 am- You know this and you are tryibg to find a way to break me
(I left a message on Robert’s cell phone to please ask Matt not to text me negatively)
9:31 am – I have grown up to see ur liea, flaws and ur weaknessea
9:31 am – U r not scary to me
9:31 am – Only a pitiful shell if a woman
9:31 am – An u know that also
9:32 am – You may think you will win this battle but I assure you u will not.
9:32 am – U try to destroy everyone around u
9:33 am – And you are starting to fail on that too.
9:33 am – soon enough ur plan will fall down the drain
9:34 am – And everything u think u hav will be gone
9:34 am – And all that u will hav left is miseryz
9:35 am – You have lost
9:35 am – U don’t scare me
9:35 am – And don’t think I don’t know what your next attack will be
9:35 am – All the lies u made hav been proved wrong
9:36 am – No matter what u throw at me I will always throw it back at u
9:36 am – Goodbye don’t text back
9:40 am- And I will tell the world what u have done to me and when I find a lawyer tht will help me I am sueing you for what you hav done goodbye
From Roberts blackberry work phone (847)652-5 to my cell phone (219)314-07
9:41 am – U called r the girls OK? (I replied yes but for him to tell Matthew not to text me with negative messages)
9:52 am – I don’t control my son. And talking about his feeling is something I don’t want to stop him from doing. I realize controlling your kids thoughts. Dreams.
9:52 am – And desires is common for u. but I am not controlling or abusive like u. maybe u should deal with what M says. Whatever it is I am sure u deserve it. U
9:52 am – don’t mid yelling and being abuseive. But you don’t like it when you have to deal with the damages u caused.
9:55 am – And I personally believe in god and his promise to me.. so I quietly believe that one day u will wake up and you will see what u did and finaly start askin
9:56 am  – g for your way back. I believe we will be back together.. so I will tell him nothing of the sort
10:01 am – Well do that I personally don’t know what u talk about with M.. me personally I am glad he is talking to u.. u r just to stupid to see it.. but I see u (I replied never mind I would send the text message to the GAL and to stop calling me negative names)
10:01 am – have not changed.. it seems u will go crying to anyone u can so u don’t have to face the damage u have done.. once again running away u r pathetic.. hav t
10:01 am – he gal contact me (I replied I was no longer his secretary to do so himself)
10:19 am – R u delirious I never called u names.. go get your eyes checked.. LOL anything to try and pass the Buck.. LOL.. pa the tically.. predictable. U never change.. I thank God he showed me how abusive and controlling u r.. M has told me of all kinds of abuse he endured from u.. u want to know why u left… u have told so many lies and spent so much time destroying your marriage. U have no choice but to run away like u have done since u where young.. u r doing all this because u can’t tell the truth and admit to me and outhers what you’ve done. Or the truth of you’re behavior.. thatis why all this crap is happening and why r kids Ave to endure all this.. u r mentally unstable. The problem is that u r Cain enough to fool outhers. And calculate the destruction u need to inflict to hide and not have to answer for your own action. (I replied for him to stop texting me)
10:33 am – Ill send what I want.. u don’t control me any more I did u read it again.  Still pathetic.. remember this one day God will convict u and u will see u hav
10:34 am – e been following the Devil. U will face the pain of confession.. I have talked to many psychics.. and everyone of them say u r being led away buy a man t
10:34 am – hat is not be with u.. he is the devil in disguise.. how can over 15 different ladies in over 10 different areas see the same thing and all of them have
10:35 am – told me that you’re friend who told u that u would be devorsed is not a real psychic.. and buy ethical practice should not ever say that.. so u r  either I
10:35 am – ieing to hide the fact u r running.. or u r being led a stray.. all stated that u r being miss lead..
10:36 am – Do u have the will to go to one of the psychics? Do u have a opened mind to hear the truth
10:46 am – Saying u r pathetic is not calling u names.. it is stating your actions.. ass or shit head.. now that would be name calling.. God mel wake up.. lord Jesus ple
10:46 am – ut. I really feel it’s better he says it than holds on to it.. remember when u never let him talk nice to me when u used to lead him in peatone.. but I le
10:46 am – t him call me every name anyway.. at least u two r talking
10:46 am – ase help my wife to wake up. I beg of you. With all my heart and all my soul.. I talked to Matt and told him no swearing. As for whatever else u to talk abo
10:46 am – U have A so screed up now she will not eaven talk to me.
10:55 am – I taked to t and listened to what he was saying.. and it seems to me he wants you to tell the family. The gal.. court and friends the truth of what u
10:55 am – that would be a really big hill to climb. But never the less that seems to be the main deal. . Oh and don’t expect him to except Terry.. oh man that is a
10:56 am – bad problem their.. I guess hitting and thretining M was to much.
10:59 am – did to him.  That seems Luke that’s the main problem.. if you do that maybe he and u can start fixing the problem .. of course u would loose the girls so
11:10 am – Yep after talking some more I am sure that would help the relationship between u to
From M cell phone (5)5-0 to my Cell phone (219)3-07 on December 27, 2011
11:28 am – I just talked to dad and he dada said to be ind to u lol he also tild me not to sware and he told me tht he had mentioned to u that I want u to admit wha
11:28 am – t u had done wrong to me. Infront of everyone. Well my dearest birthmother tht would be a good start but hardly dnough. U turned ur back on me every way pos
11:29 am – sible
11:35 am – U threw me in a mental hospital under false pretense. Had terry hit me to where my arm was numb fir weeks. U hit me a lot. U had me living in a room full of
11:35 am – mice. U had me believeing lies. U let him threaten me. U hav people watching me. U took a fake witness to court wen she wasn’t in the car with terry wen he th
11:35 am – court so I still cant c my sisters. U tried to cause trouble (u still do). U attempt to kill me and he does the same
11:35 am – reatened me. U made it so I can’t x my sisters. U had ladies yell at me. U had many turn against me. U badmouth me constantly. Make up lame excuses to get me in
11:35 am – And there is way more
11:50 am – Remember at the shop when u had me so scared I peed in my pants. Remember that
11:51 am – Dad wasn’t mad u made me (Terry replied to stop texting my cell phone or we will block the numbers unless it’s important)
From Robert blackberry work phone (847)652-5 to my cell phone(219)3-07 on December 27, 2011
12:32 pm - This is r. And u and I will meet. It sounds as though u r scared and trying to keep control of Melinda and now I will take this as evidence that Melin
12:32 pm – da is not in control and not capable of raising our girls and it seems she is unable to control you. Melinda if u want to here the  truth meet me at a ps
12:35 pm – ychic. I know its hard to get away from Terry but just let me know if u ever want to here the truth (Since you will not stop texting your numbers will be blocked)
12:36 pm – OK to the lawyer I go to see if we can remove the girls


Crazy Man text messages pt 3

Text messages from Robert work blackberry (847)6-5 to my cell phone (219)3-07
During the ongoing 3 year divorce with R Allen,  Judge ordered that all communication go through attorney(s)
November 18, 2011
4:05 pm - No card! But we do have someone that takes are mail… M said he would burn it anyways. As for the girls he said they know where we live. There is not
4:05 pm - Again this is how M wawnts to handle it personaly I don’t think u raven bought a card or that you think u can fix what u have done. I never did before
4:05 pm – but certainly now find myself questioning your sanity. Good luck with that
4:05 pm – hing saying that they can’t come buy if they want. I know m has seen J buy our house so I am certain they know the way and have the ability… once
4:29 pm – Don’t care what u think. Truth hurts doesn’t it. U should try it once before u allow more insanity to run from your lips. U don’t control me anymore.
(I replied he wouldn’t know his butt from a hole in the ground and to leave me alone. And not to text me anymore. Future text messages were to be ignored unless they are an emergency)
4:35 pm - Butt from a hole in the ground personally I’m a little disappointed in you expected more from you next time take a little more time on your insults I mean
4:38 pm -  No I’m not an ass I’m very loving generous person that does on my way to help anybody I can I just won’t put up with your crap or bow to your control
4:40 pm – I am free if you and enjoy my life without you. I miss personal time but I don’t miss your abuse
5:43 pm – M said they know where we live… and from me. I said it before and ill say it again. U can tell people whatever u want. But M knows the truth.. and so do I. and I am a loud persona nd I will yell if you hurt me… but I am not the abusive person u made me out to be. It was your own abuse being rejected buy me that you were having problems with. Was I jelish yes. Was I always calling you. Yes. I did not want my wife with another. But I know who I am and I am not who you say I am or was. That I know for sure. I thank God for this chance to find out who I was. And for the chance for my son to know me. For who I am and I am certain u know he girls would want to stay with me also if the new me. Not the me u have been droning into their heads.. and that take away your control and u an’t have that. You have used your mind games and passive control on me for years. Well not anymore and it feels so liberating. Have a nice night. Try to at least tell yourself the truth J ( I replied to him that he was abusive to me and the kids for years and was never in control)
5:51 pm – Yes you are correct because that’s what I believe you told me that I abuse you and that’s what I believe because that’s the right thing t
5:51 pm – hat I knew
5:51 pm – Thanks for the therapy and time away from you and your biz I know the truth
5:52 pm – I asked god to fix my marriage to allow everyone to see that’s what you did. And I’m sure that the rest will be seen in the future.
5:55 pm – Laugh out loud nothing but abuse from you.
5:55 pm – Tried looking deep inside try looking back to what really happened tried to telling yourself the truth. (I told him he needed to get more help and to stop texting me)
5:57 pm – Once again more abuse and telling other people how they need help it’s amazing that how you know how everybody needs help.
6:00 pm – I’m not the 1 lying for the first time in my life since I been with you I see the proof of your control and your manipulation. I don’t doubt that I neede
6:00 pm – d help you did everything you could to cause it
6:02 pm – You’re his problem now and believe me you will do the same shit to him. Old know at it was you that was shaking your head everything he said maybe you des
6:02 pm – erve to be controlled religiously for once.
6:06 pm – Maybe that’s what god needs you to see. So u see how u controed me. Either way way just not my problem anymore. (I replied I never had control of him. I heard you hadn’t changed from some of the people in your family. Again please stop texting me)
6:38 pm – Your are you are too funny. The problem is you can’t handle not having the last word and as far as talking to others u don’t talk to anybody I know anymore. And as for my mother and sister. My sister can die for all I care. And my parents lost all respect and absolutely all hope of ever being treated like they should be. When they allowed Terry in their house. I have to honer them. Nothing else.. so please don’t try to hunt for info. That is control tactic.. hum us sure seem to use that a lot. Don’t worry about what I am doing. Worry about telling yourself the truth.. us say u don’t see a change well I would say that is because u r the problem. And your lies. Abuse.  And control. And manipulation. Bring it out. And once again I reject it and your abuse tords me. And it seems buy your own words you are proving right. And if not putting up with yoru abuse and control makes you say he hasent changed he is crazy. Then shoot away. Because u r rite I will not put up with it.. LOL.. maybe u need to take a step back and ask God to change you.. and when u change then look and talk with me again. You’re problem with me is you.. before you try and tell me who I am and what I help I need. Start buy getting help with the one in your mirror.. try and be truthful to her. Try taking responsibility for your actions..

Crazy Man texts Pt 3 or 4? I lost count

Text messages from M on R’s blackberry (847)2-5 to my cell phone (219)34-07
November 23, 2011
                7:05 pm – Have my sisters call my friends phone I wanna talk to them 1-5-4-10
7:16 pm – This is Matt I went by to c the girls but the car wasn’t there I hope u told dad where you guys moved (Jessica called him and they had a nice chat. The comment about moving never came into question)
Text messages from R’s blackberry (847)2-5 to my cell phone (219)34-07
During the ongoing 3 year divorce with R Allen Judge  ordered that all communication go through attorney(s)
At this point there was a supervised visitation ordered between R, J and A
November 30, 2011
6:45 am – Happy Birthday Hon. Still love u J
3:39 pm – Melinda I and m and my girlfriend are going to Christmas village. We are leaving on Friday morning and coming back on Sunday.  I have somebody staying  at the
3:39 pm -  house to watch tbone. What I’m asking is if you would let the girls go. It’s in downstate Indiana and would appreciate the girls going with. Thanks (I replied for him to contact his attorney regarding this. As far as I was to understand he was only allowed supervised visitation and the girls would not be going unless I was told by the court to do otherwise)
4:20 pm – I could.. but he will ask me.. do the girls want to go? Then I am shire he would call u. I am just asking first.
4:29 pm -  U could do it if u wanted. And u kknow it. It was not slowed when u left them in summer. U know as well as me that all the judge is going to say is oh di
4:29 pm – d the girls want to go.. and did they have a good time. The only reason we have to go threw the supervised is because u keep insisting its up to u mel if
4:29 pm – u want them to go. When they start to visit the texts will prove I kept trying to see them. All I know is it’s a neat place and there is going to be a lot
4:29 pm – of lights. We got two rooms with big beds so its not a pronoun. If they should have lady problems my girlfriend is their. And she is a proper lady. As well as a nu
4:29 pm – rse so no worries
4:30 pm – Let the girls deside
4:31 pm – And let them think it would b OK with u if they say yes. I know J does not want to dispoint u
4:36 pm – Well that’s OK I asked and the girls will know. I hope your b day is nice. Love ya

Posting text messages from Crazy Man himself pt 1

If you are truly bored feel free to take a walk on the Crazy side... These had me bummed out because my son had a hand in many of these as well. There are a bunch! From October to December:

Text messages from R's  work blackberry (847)2-555 to my cell phone (219)34-0
During the ongoing 3 year divorce with R Allen, Judge ordered that all communications go through attorney(s). These messages are violating the intent of that ruling.
October 16, 2011
6:30 am - Sorry for the erly morning. Answer when u get it. What cancer do u have
6:31 am - Do u want to meet and talk- (I replied No thank you)
6:32 am - I think i can scrap up anouph to buy us a coffee
7:08 am - Well u know I still love u. U know I would take care of u. But u also know i am with someone else. And u do all u can to drive them away so I have an ear of Of mis trust. I dont think u can blam me. Ill be here for u if u do have it hon. I took that vow
7:10 am - So u know u drove my girlfreind away now so i expext us to get back together. No exceptions-
8:04 am - No sorry I was moving on. U destroyed it. We r now back. We can take time if u want.  He can leave under his own power now U made up my mind. U just could not 
8:05 am - If she comes back u r off the hook
8:07 am - Thy where your fucks. U drov e her away. U gave this to me. U will be with me now
8:07 am - I did not ask u
8:08 am - He can leave on his own if he wants
8:10 am - Dont want to b with me fine. I am alone u will b alone
8:11 am - I am alone u r alone. No more to say
8:12 am - I tryed to move on. U distroyed it. U r sick and twisted. I realy think u want back in        some demented way. So u got it.
8:13 am - Leav e me alone. So ok. U can come home now.
8:15 am - Sorry u made iup my mind. I am taking my ex gf home make shur he leaves
8:15 am - You decided to come home.

 From M using R's blackberry cell phone (847)62-3 to my cell phone (219)34-7
8:16 am - Hi bitch this is m. Well I give you credit you chased away another one. Your first attempt with that lame psychic message didn’t work. So now you pull this
8:17 am - Try to destroy dads relationships as a adolescent type cry for help. To get away from terry.
8:15 am - With your whore diseases. And you finally did it. Now ive lost a good friend and someone else I really care about. Since you will not let anyone else become My mother you will be my mother. The next time I see terry I will beat terry until he can no longer walk or see and I will do this everytime. If you want to
8:16 am - be my mother you have to live in my house with my father. I have to agree with dad after reading his text to you. You are mentally deranged. But you got your
8:17 am - wish you are coming home. I will expect you to start counseling with dad and we’ll work it up to you and I. If you don’t want all this then you better do your
8:18 am -God damn best to get pearl bacxk with dad or find him soneonelse cuz as far as im concerned you are on your way back home. Have a nice day mom. Good to hear from you
8:20 am - Interesting your supposed to love your boy so much and yet you gunna call the cops on me hum me thinks this is terry. I think terry has too much control
8:21 am - Over you and I think its time I free my mother from him. I try to look another way but you are not happy with that. I personally see this mom you always
8:23 am - My father has really been trying to get me to forgive you. So much that I keep telling stop trying to make me forgive you. Maybe he is right. Maybe you
8:24 am - Need forgiving so the lord can clear up the crap in your head. And you can just admit you wanna come home and admit you wanna get away from terry
8:25 am - Because of all the crap you keep saying about moving on. You’ve sabotaged dads relationships and all the other acts that ive witnessed from you
8:26 am - Say you wanna come home so now you got your wish. I expect to spend the holidays as a family together. The little boy can come if he needs to he cant help who His mother is. Hope to see you soon bye
1:56 pm -  Gee that’s funny I have seen you and terry and he pushes you around all the time.    And I guess I should say the same to you because you pushed me around and hit
1:57 pm – Me enough
1:57 pm - Im glad dads in the bathroom. Now I have to time to send this. And by the way where are you its almost 2 o’clock. You wrecked dads relationship and caused me
1:58 pm – To lose a brother and a mother. So get your ass home if we r gunna start repairing this family. And don’t blame dad you’re the one who caused this.
2:01 pm- I am free if you and enjoy my life without you. I miss the personal time but I don't miss your abuse.


I have to admit to being on the verge of crying after I finished the text messages and not so much for the content but for the shame and hurt I still feel. Even though almost 3 years have passed the ache in my heart has not left. The fear. The raw emotions immediately after leaving are gone but the other emotions are still very close to the surface.

Terry has to take a short trip to look at a few handy man projects for a family member but he could be gone awhile. Before he left I told him I would run to the hardware store to pick up some seed packets that are on sale and maybe do a few more errands but as he reminded me that would take me into Crazy Man territory and since he is "Unemployed" at this time I may run into him.

I just sighed, now I am hesitant to go now. Terry said that he would tag along tomorrow if I could wait to run around... I wish Crazy Man could just leave us alone. I feel as though my safe place is under fire again because I am sure he will try to figure out how to find us. I have no doubt in my mind about this. I am sure since he was unable to really ask the girls questions about home he is itching to figure it out.

I sent off the text messages to my attorney and the reply back was that as disturbing as the messages were,Crazy Man "CAN" text or email me as long as it is concerning parenting or parenting time. And he "CAN" call the girls as stated in an earlier ruling in 2010. Go figure! He has to have supervised visits but they can be allowed to talk to him unsupervised on the phone?! HUH?! I remembered that this was the same court date that they lost our case and I believe the Magistrate made a uninformed decision on concerning the telephonic communications between him and the girls unsupervised.

I am trying to lose myself in things around the farm and excited to show pictures from the place. But in case Crazy Man is checking out my blogs I can't. I show some but not of the exact place or too much of the surroundings. It's a drag but for the time being I don't want him to know the exact location until I know he won't stalk us here. Wishful thinking!

Here are a few pictures of Christmas for your enjoyment...

 Built- in Sideboard! We found some great stemware in a barn that are just lovely!
 The pantry that was just a hole in the wall, but had been a pantry back in the day. Terry patched holes, made shelves and found a stool for me (I'm kind of shrinking as the years go by)!
 The other wall to hang up my apron, cast iron trivets and of course our pencil sharpner! I love my pantry!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Vision boards and positive thoughts

Sometimes it is so hard to be uplifting to others and myself. I really need to dig out some magazines to make a real vision board but for the time being here is a snippet of really nice words of encouragement.

Remember you aren't alone

You can do whatever you put your mind to

You are capable of taking care of yourself

Text messages and countdown to Independence day year 3!

I'm sitting here typing out passed text messages to email to my attorney for my ever growing file. Terry suggested I stop if I feel melancholy... Oh that feeling was after re-reading the first text message. I have went through about 20 so far and have 112 left to type. I feel a little disturbed, so I am taking a much needed break! The baby just went down for a nap, Terry and his brother went to his Mom's house. So, it's nice and quiet.

So, to bring you up to speed, R found out we moved from the court, not surprising. What is surprising is how long it took for him to be notified about the PO Box. I was so sure he would have found out before Christmas as a matter of fact our household and his Mom were waiting for that bomb to fall.

I received a voice message from him about that. He said,  Hey Melinda this is your husband. How is the house in Demotte? The court order says I get to talk to the girls. You disconnected the other number and I gave you time. The court order says I can talk to my girls and I want to hear from them tonight not from Terry from you or the girls.

Can you spell Creepy? He doesn't give a crap about the girls, he is upset that we moved and he doesn't know where we are. He can't stalk us/me out here and it's bugging him. Case and point, a day later Children's Treehouse calls and says R scheduled an appointment to see the girls on Sat (1/14) for an hour visit. I of course obliged, though hesitantly.I know he only wants to try to pump information about our whereabouts from them. He couldn't give a darned otherwise.

I did call my attorney and let him know about the call as well as the meeting. I know the court didn't order any type of arrangement for him to talk to the girls, besides it being a "SUPERVISED" visit. DUH! I don't know how stupid he thinks I really am! I'm so annoyed but yet worried at the same time. Not sure whether to throw-up or be angry. Of course these are just my personal opinions. He is going to lie and say he genuinely wants to visit with them because he misses them. BULL HOCKEY!

During my chat with the attorney he informed me that R wants to decrease his child support due to him being seasonal and unable to afford what he is paying for now. Funny, the original order for support was cut so low due to our debt at the time, which since we filed for bankruptcy is GONE! He lost the house so no house bill. WHAT THE HECK!? He works for CASH, he went from making $52,000 on paper in 2010 to making $22,000 in 2011?! He has made over $70,000 in years passed due to getting cash under the table. But I didn't take any paperwork to prove my accusations. I have heard from people he works with that the company is working a bunch of hours despite R claims of the contrary. SIGH!

The night before and the day of the meeting was nerve wrecking for all of us. The trip to the Treehouse had us all pretty quiet and that is totally unusual for us 4. I guess we were all lost in our own thoughts and worries. I didn't want the girls to give away where exactly they went to school or details about our place. He would find us in a snap if he knew details about our place or he would narrow our home down in no time. Of course I didn't want to coach the girls at all. Despite it all I still tell them to respect they're Dad. I don't believe he is worth the salt in my tears but he is still their father and they should at least respect the title, though I don't feel he is worthy.

I liked the fact that the girls were given a choice about seeing him before the meeting. I hoped they would say no, so I looked the other way, as if they could hear my thoughts out loud or see NO written all over my face. They briefly talked about it and decided to just see how it went this time. They were also informed that they could end the visit anytime they wanted to. I said see you later and have fun. I prayed all went well. Reassured they had a guard to watch them and the visit was recorded.

The girls said they had a fine time. They played Uno for the hour and made small talk. The only question he asked is how was school. I am guessing since someone was recording and staying in the room with them he had little or no choice but to be a good lad. We made sure no one was following us and even now I am finding that I am paranoid again that he or someone he hired is following me again. For the time being he only knows of the PO Box. I am unsure if the court will order me to give our physical address.

His Mom was fretting about him finding out she knew of the move and about the PO Box before he did. We still talk on and off. Though I was told not to trust her and I can't say I do anymore. It makes me kind of sad since I practically grew up in her house.

She has said he recently had several Bipolar episodes leaving her tired, annoyed and nervous about anytime he calls or comes by. He has been working on remodeling the basement for his sister to stay with his parents since MAY! He can never just get a project done, he puts it off or makes excuses or walks off the job due to an attitude. I gave her my sympathy and chuckled that he was her problem now. She said, Gee, thanks Mel! And don't tell him we talked. He says things and I know I only tell you about them. So you must be telling him we talk.

OH YES! During coffee he and I chatted about BLAH! BLAH!BLAH! What the HECK?! I told her I don't talk to him if I can help it. And certainly not about anything to do with her or his family. I don't want anything more to do with that psycho then I have to.

I received several emails from him about his horoscope and mine, oh and that marriage retreat is coming up soon. GROAN! It is almost 3 years, Independence day is on the 25th of Feb! Time flies!
Can you believe that this craziness has been going on this long? I was reassured by my attorney that R won't give up. He has seen those that are aggressive and obsessed with they're partners and they don't just give up when the finalization papers are signed. Well, isn't that lovely? I know in the back of my mind this is true. But I am praying he will just fade into the darkness and leave me alone. Heck, he doesn't have to pay me a dime of child support if he would just go away. Never to see the girls again.

Wishful thinking...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

He knows we moved

I received 2 calls from his Mom's number.
I didn't answer either.
It went to voicemail.
He said, "Melinda this is your husband", he talked about knowing we are in Demotte, that I blocked his number, disconnected the other number and he can not talk to "His" girls. According to him I am in "Violation of the court's order." I was to call him to let him talk to the girls, not Terry!
What the heck?!
I kind of feel as though my safe haven is broken. Though I know he had to be notified of the move. I am surprised he didn't find out sooner and I am thankful it is only the PO Box address I was able to give. I know if he finds out the physical address he will be out here stalking us.
I still feel crappy from the remnants of the flu so my stomach and appetite is just not there. But after the call, I feel a all too familiar tummy ache that acts up when he pops into my mind or life again.
The fact that gets me is that he reminds me that "HE" is my husband. He gives marriage a bad wrap. I don't want to be anyone's wife again. The word "Husband" conjures up his face and makes me want to puke.
I have 3 emails from him. I haven't opened them yet, but I can read a bit. One complains again I am violating the court, the other is a Marriage weekend retreat coming up and the third, I don't recall. I feel so sick right now.

Thursday, January 5, 2012


YES! It's that good! I loved that hat...

A lighthearted look on here for a change and I promised my girls I would take it off as soon as it was taken. LOL!


I can't tell you how relieved I am. I signed up for Indiana Volunteer Attorney's a few months back. We went back and forth about a possible attorney this month or the next and after I had given up hope, they called and told me they had an attorney interested in meeting with me to discuss my case...

Long story short I am now represented! YIPEE!