A little about me

Friday, June 24, 2011

Struggling to find your voice.

Struggling to find your voice

In the face of conflict we might be tempted to just go with the flow and not make waves. The path of least resistance is saying "yes" when you want to say "no" and that road is always paved with regrets and mistakes. While compromise is good and a necessary part of healthy relationships, no one should have to fully deny their feelings and remain voiceless while others dominate a situation. It might feel easier to nod your head and passively agree, but in the long run you are being cheated. While there might be a whole list of justifications and excuses for stepping off the path of your principles, staying true to yourself reaps countless more rewards than selling out to appease someone else. Reconcile today the negative passivity you have displayed in the past.

~Babyfit Pleasant thought of the day

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Emails with my Abuser

First of all, I honestly wish I could get into this man's head just for about 5 mins. I swear I don't know where he comes up with this garbage. The last few made me chuckle, I hadn't thought about answering those. It seems that whenever I answer he needs to have the last word in the matter.

Custody and visitation was to stay as they are until Oct court pre-trial. The girls had visitation on Sunday. Drop off went well but pick up is another story. My in-laws allowed R to stay at the house, which violated the Parenting time order. So next time I just bring the police as an escort. No there was no trouble, apparently he was talking with his latest dish of the month. Fine with me, BUT, that is not how it is to go. Anyway long story but I'm publizing the emails between us. My Gaslighter, Narcissistic, Pyschopath, Borderline Personality STBX is showing all of his colors. In many ways these things irk me. It's alittle creepy that he kept our email address and he has my email address as Melinda my love...

I'll explain in another post tomorrow!
From melnrob5@yahoo.com
toMelinda Allen <blessmeplz@gmail.com>,
dateWed, Jun 15, 2011 at 4:44 PM
If you blocked me you have violated the order,,their are times i cant get out with my phone
and need to text ,,If anything bad happens I may need you to run over to see if matt is alright ,Matt is still raising his medication levels ,and may have a seizure and if I can not get a hold of him I will need you to go buy eaven if you just send jess to the door.I realize now that matthews health means nouthing to you ..so childern safty is not your concern ? hummm??
 Remember to add terrys income to the decleration and financial report .He is living with you ,even if he is not at home .His income must be counted since he has made himself part of the family unit.
From Melinda Allen blessmeplz@gmail.com
toRob <melnrob5@yahoo.com>
dateFri, Jun 17, 2011 at 12:19 AM
subjectRe: Children
No the great thing is I have not violated the order. We have a home phone and an email address for you to use. Me run over to check on Matt? If he is doing that bad, then I suggest a live in nurse or some kind of care that would have someone there in case of something happening. I didn't realize it was that bad! Why are you not having someone with him? That sounds neglectful.
I did care about the safety of the children and that is why I left you!
As for the Financial information from Terry. NO! Prior to me losing my Atty I brought that question up. Nope it is not relevant. He and I are not married. We do not have joint accounts and my name is on all the bills here. We do not keep anything jointly. Nice try. Leave him out of this.
I was told buy a Friend of Eric's ,that you are dealing drugs ,,this i do not know..I hope not . You don't look like you are on drugs ,but I guess it would be a bad thing if you did them and sold them .I truly don't know .You have been away from me ,and I don't know what you do anymore..
If you are !!!stop!!!you know better ,I don't know who this guy was he just said he was Eric's Friend ,although he looked like he crawled out from under a dirty car ,and knew Eric's full name ,and yours . I do not trust the whole thing ..
Hun I will never let our kids near you alone if this is true...as I would think I would be right to do so..Hun Please ,,me to you  <<<<<If you are doing this ??? get out of it ..Please.  Please,,Hun this is not the first time I herd this about you ,,If its terry then get out of that situation . If its you ??I say this in a loving way ,,,ARE YOU NUTS???...
I know it would be to my benefit that you are caught dealing drugs ,,,but I don't want the kids to see that ,,so please stop it if you are..I would way more love to see you patch things up with Matt.but I don't think you love him enough to admit all you have done ...He has found a motherly connection with my fiance so he does have some help on that area .And I have been trying to smooth things out ,,but like I said you destroyed that in court today ,,I had been working on that for months ,and you wiped that out in like two seconds.
The Best advice you can get from all this ,,is this((((( You Can Not Lie To Matthew)))))
fromRob melnrob5@yahoo.com
toMelinda Allen <blessmeplz@gmail.com>,
dateWed, Jun 15, 2011 at 5:35 PM
I will tell you melinda I talked to this gentleman a few days before my birthday. I have been thinking about this and I did not say anything because I did not believe him . I tried to find out if he hung around Eric ,and if it helps I did not see him near Eric. I still Feel it is nonsense ,,at least I do hope so ..I have not been following you because I just think someone is trying to cause trouble .
If It matters I am praying that you are not doing this .
I would love to help with Matt but when you said you don't see him because he is violent to you ,,,you screwed that up ..I don't know where to start anymore ,I don't know how to help you with Matt..I know its hard but as I have admitted that I was abusive to you before the first time you left me ,,,you are going to have to admit what you have done..I do hope god finds you and gives you the strength to confess..the devil is helping you lie Hun ,,,only god can give you the strength to confess..I pray for that to happen all the time ..I know what you have done ,and I know the lies,,and I know if you confessed you would see it was the lies you where running from and not me ,,and I know you would feel the love you know you have for me ,,and I know that scares you .it scared me ..
I would not care ,,and I could still find the love for you ,but it is blinded now for the actions that you have done to our kids ,,and you are running away like you did at 15,,but like then you are mistaken on why .I pray one day you see. I hope its not to late .
From Melinda Allen blessmeplz@gmail.com
toRob <melnrob5@yahoo.com>
dateFri, Jun 17, 2011 at 12:16 AM
subjectRe: Talked
HMMM! Really? Let's see if I were dealing drugs I would have an Atty so I can get this divorce past me! I would live in a better place FAR enough away from Griffith. The only one trying to cause trouble and prolong this divorce is YOU! Pray?! What God do you pray to?! You call yourself a Christian but all you do is spout lies.  
I'm abusive?! Funny that is really funny! That has to be one of the best one's you have came up with yet.  
Please do not email me with stupid nonsense. We have a home phone, if something pertaining Matt comes up please use it.
toMelinda My Love <blessmeplz@gmail.com>
dateFri, Jun 17, 2011 at 9:27 AM
subjectRe: Truth is truth ,,But I expect that you are lieing about yoursister ,,lies are all you are capapbal of . You can not lie to matt!!!!!
I have found out you are playing games. Visitation is this week end Sunday. If u have a wedding then you go. This is mine and matts time. U can not interfere. If u have the wedding I am sure mom can hold on to the girls till u come back. This is fathers day and missing this visitation is not exceptibal. The girls already told Matt they would see him Sunday. If you miss this visitation. I will file contempt on Monday. This I promise. U have mad me really good in filing papers. In a way I really hope you miss it.
I am sure the judge will understand. But I bet the next time we all meet he sees who you really are
From Melinda Allen blessmeplz@gmail.com
dateMon, Jun 20, 2011 at 10:39 AM
subjectRe: Truth is truth ,,But I expect that you are lieing about yoursister ,,lies are all you are capapbal of . You can not lie to matt!!!!!
As for game playing you mention, I love to play card games, an occasional board game and heck you can even find me in a rousing game of Red Rover on a rare occasion.  
Perhaps you and your Mom need to read the Guidelines established, read line #5-  You are NOT to be there when I drop off or pick up the girls! I let it go this time. I won't do it next time. I will come with an police escort from now on since you and your Mom can not be trusted to follow the procedure we have had in place with no issues prior to the last few months and I don't understand why all of a sudden you both are having issue with this.  
Also please refrain from sending any future emails that are nasty or threatening in tone. This to me does not seem like a changed person nor someone that will work together for the kids in a positive manner.
Thank you!
toMelinda My Love <blessmeplz@gmail.com>
dateMon, Jun 20, 2011 at 10:43 AM
subjectRe: Truth is truth ,,But I expect that you are lieing aboutyoursister ,,lies are all you are capapbal of . You can not lie to matt!!!!!
Sorry. Did not read and am not. I have moved on from your abuse. The girls wanted to come over. If u stop it. Its your decision. If u want to talk about them coming over text me.
Thanks. Rob

fromMelinda Allen blessmeplz@gmail.com
toRob <melnrob5@yahoo.com>
dateMon, Jun 20, 2011 at 12:06 PM
subjectFinalizing divorce
I was told that you are ready to move on and put this behind us. If this is so, we still need to provide the Financials for the court. If we have settled on th issues of custody, of which Jess and your Mom stated that you said it is fine that they live with me. Then there is a matter of contacting the court to let them know we are ready to finalize.
Visitation stays the same for the time being. At your Mom's until we finalize or the court says otherwise. Drop off and pick up are not to be with you there during this time. As I stated in my previous email that you say you did not read.  If you plan on seeing the girls 2 times a month that is fine, when you would like to say that this past weekend marked the begininng of that fine. 

If you have any other questions or concerns email me. Your number is blocked on my phone and I will not text you. I have the home phone and 3 other emails you can reach me at if there is a problem. If there is an emergency I would expect that you would phone the house rather then send an email.  
toMelinda My Love blessmeplz@gmail.com
dateMon, Jun 20, 2011 at 12:21 PM
subjectRe: Finalizing divorce
Jess asked that of me as long as they come over. Unsupervised. In that way I was in agreance. Because I would be able to make shure my girls where ok in his presence. My day off at night is tues. So as long as you are willing to let them come over on tues and every outher week. Then yes. We are. And I feel that as long as I can make shure my girls r ok. Then I will allow them to live with him in your presence. If you go out of town. Even over night. They come to me. And if they want to go somewhere on my nite or weekend. It is up to me to arange or allow. As before. I said. I know things come up. So if I have them and we are just watching tv. And u guys are invited to a barbaque. And u want to see if the girls want to go. And they do. U should be able to come get them. And visa versa. Within reason of course. But then they should come over atleast one extra day.
This is not that hard. But that was the deal. And don't give me the judge said no. He only said they stay where they r. And don't give me its not the orders. Because u violated those the first two months.
As for old debt. I have the papers of discharge from the lawyer. To give to you.
You have the ball now mel. The kids are looking at u. The courts. And my whole family. Its up to you Oh. And I expect that jess alex and matt. Can meet and play if they want. And since matt will not come buy u. They can meet at the parks or here.
Well that's it. Prity simple
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
From Melinda Allen blessmeplz@gmail.com
dateMon, Jun 20, 2011 at 12:40 PM
subjectRe: Finalizing divorce
The visitation stays as court ordered unless I am given permission to do otherwise.  It sounded like you were a changed person and wanted to move forward but you do not.  
The girls are fine in Terry's presence. And I'm sorry you being super Dad and never harming them in the past? Not pulling they're hair, calling them names, or slapping them because one of them isn't wearing a bra. Or telling them not to tell Mom things because you know whatever reason.  
Move on Robert. I thought you had someone new you wanted to start  a life with. Dragging out custody because you can' get your way? It is in the hands of the court not mine. If I had "control" of the divorce at 90 days we would have been done with this!  
As for my relationship with the kids any issues or harm is at your doing.  
Really put on your grown up hat and move on. This is between you and I, unless you were married to Terry at one time. If you want to seriously finalize then you and I can continue this othrwise no more emails.

toMelinda My Love <blessmeplz@gmail.com>dateMon, Jun 20, 2011 at 12:53 PM
subjectRe: Finalizing divorce
Melinda. I am moving forward. And I will not come back to you or take you back. Do I still love u. Yes. And u cause me pain. But that has nothing to do with the kids. Although I will admit the pain is almost completely gone. Mostly I see you for who u really are. And I know you are not a good person. And not with god. I do pray for you and my family all the time.
Like I said. You did what u wanted last time. And the courts where ok with it. Its always a good thing when the control freak in the divorce realizes its only hurting the kids. I do hope u see that u r.
Everyone can read these. Its up to you. Like I said love u or not. I am moving on.
Yes. I am trying to control u. I am trying to get you to see the damage u r doing to the kids. What this is all about is still you isent mel. If you can't see Matt then to hell with all of them. The damage their is your doing. Not mine. Well and terry s advice on how to handle things I am sure.
Time is good to me. All your lies and controlling and pain you caused will be out in the open. So although I miss my girls. And want to see them come over. Go ahead play your games. But the deal jess helped you come up with is no good.
I have to go. You have taken me from my studies long enough.
toMelinda My Love <blessmeplz@gmail.com>
dateMon, Jun 20, 2011 at 1:09 PM
subjectRe: Finalizing divorce
As for abuse. How about when you used to smack the girls around and Matt as well. How about when you used to take away their food. Or break their favorite toy. Or tell them not to trust daddy. Or ever tell them the truth. Or throw Matt into the dryer. I always ed wonder where that dent came from.
Or when you hurt yourself helping me load my truck and then told Susan I hit you. Or the 2 years you came to me every other day switching back and forth between. Let me go and I love u I want us to work. You are mentally ill. And your bra marks are from when we where all playing and where having the big water gun. Hose fight. But its easy for you to use things for other purposes. You need attention. U thrive on it. We don't have time to talk about how you destroyed your son. But know worries their is plenty of documentation. And let's not forget you using the kids to get into the house and steel everything you could. I am still missing thousands in Terry. Well their is more. But you are not worth it. Oh yea. Let's not forget the years of you kicking me in the back while I slept. You know its funny. But since you left. I only needed my hip worked on once. And I never wake up with my back out ,when the nite before I was fine. But I kept trying.
Your a joke.
I think you are mentally messed up and you put yourself their. For the most part you took me along.
Don't tell me I haven't changed I refuse to be classified in your insanity any longer. And so u know the standard move to apply for a order of protection to keep the husband away so you could play. Is but one of the things that slowed this divorce.
I need to get to work. I allowed your abusive ways to take enough of my time.
Get help. Not your bs help. Real help. Ill talk to your physicians
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
toMelinda My Love <blessmeplz@gmail.com
dateMon, Jun 20, 2011 at 1:41 PM
subjectRe: Finalizing divorce
You know dad still has to take a shower once in a while. And I can still read his phone. Jessica madethe agreement with dad I know because I listened by the door. And I will be around to tell who needs to know tat you droppd us off in summer and said we will be fine. You destroyed me and my character melinda. Unless you call dad your husban you and I will never anything else together again. As far as I'm concerned I hope pearl becomes my new mom. I know the trut about dad sice I started living with him. And I'm very sure that you know that the girls will know the truth too and that Your afraid they'll want to come home.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
From Melinda Allen blessmeplz@gmail.com
dateMon, Jun 20, 2011 at 2:08 PM
subjectFwd: Finalizing divorce
Again I am not answering this email either. He has to have the last word.  
I know I was not abusive, I don't even need to defend myself against this crap.  
But I will say shame on anyone that allows him to continue his anger. Not to rock the boat or have a nice time so it doesn't make him angry. To the Hell with him. He has pushed people around for so many years with threats or bullying.
Judy, getting your basement done is great.  Allowing him to keep having tantrums when he can't get his way is not helping. I'm disgusted that the girls have to lie to another person in order to let him have his way. I am trying to teach them not to lie and here they are not telling or saying anything about him not being divorced from me. What does it matte he is out of my hair right?  It is my problem until the children are told to lie about it or if they are told not to tell Mom about this that or the other.
I'm trying to break any bad habits instilled by Rob through the years.  
It's not ok to lie
It's not ok to throw a fit when things don't go they're way
It's not ok to threaten or bully people
I never did any of those things he is stating. I loved my kids with all my heart and you all know that! He is a sick and twisted man.
He made it clear by telling me for years he was going to kill them while they slept if I ever left him.
I don't have to make up anything about my marriage, enough people witnessed it. And enough people dealt with him and know that he is unbalanced. He is not a changed man, and he has delusions of why I left him. He has created some fantasy that we had the perfect marriage. Now he claims I was abusive. If that were the case why did he beg me back each time I left him and every time I told him I was unhappy in 2008?
I told him I was done with our marriage every month, sometimes as much as 2 or 3 times a month in 2008. I had to slept with one eye open at night. He had nightmares where he would thrash, kick or choke me and claim he didn't remember it. Yeah right!
He held a knife to my throat on many occasions and said he would kill me and the kids if I left. If I even told anyone what was going on he would kill us. No he hasn't hurt us. YET!  
He got caught before his plan was over. He is all about revenge. That's how he is and that is how he will always be.  
He would call the kids names. (Stupid, dumbass, filthy pigs, fat)
He would tell them if they didn't do this or that he would kill me.
He would tell the kids if I ever left him that it was they're fault.
He would pull they're hair.
He would chase them around telling them he would kill them or beat the shit out of them.
He threatened them if they called me at the shop or wherever because he wanted them to call him.
I had been raped by him on repeated ocassions. He would sometimes use things around the house because he thought it was fun. It didn't matter if I was in pain.  
I was spanked, yes spanked both with the kids present and without them present. There were several times he told the kids to spank me and they cried while they did it but they did want him to get mad at them. I was humilated and ashamed. I was horrified that this was my life.  
I was tied up a few times and left in the bedroom to be used when he wanted me.
He threw me out of the house more then I can count. I fought tooth and nail to get back in.  
He made me lay naked on the floor without pillows or blankets because I would say no to sex. He would allow the dog to be in bed but not me, until I would take care of my duties and stop being stupid.
I have been kicked, pushed,choked, shoved down stairs and spit on by that man.
He pushed me out a car countless times for stupid crap.
He threaten to hire a group of men to kidnap me and gang rape me if I left him.
I have been called names and put down's so many times.
Holidays?! Remember those? There was always some sort of commotion to get the holidays together which usually ended in some sort of physical or threat of physical violence after everyone was gone.
He threatened to kill my parents, my sisters growing up if I broke up with him.
He has stalked me, paid someone to stalk and kill me!  
He continually accused me of sleeping around with others. Which I never did, could have but I didn't.
He called me all the time on the Walkie Talkie, like every 15 mins. Where you at? Who you with and what are you doing?  
He has threatened to kill whoever I date or marry by cutting there penis off and shoving it in my vagina after my throat is slit and my belly cut open.  
He dropped me off in parking lots for stores so I could troll of women for him. I never actually spoke to any of the ladies he pointed out, I bs'd my way through that one.
He threatened if I ever did leave him and the kids got to sleep over his house that he would kill them while they were sleeping. Make it look a C02 accident. So now I worry about any overnights that will come up someday.
He punched me and kicked me in the stomach many times with each pregnancy, and he hoped the kids would die in my stomach or we would die together during birth. Each pregnancy he questioned if he was the Dad. He never believed me.
Oh and there is so many more I could talk about...
The final straw came because Jess called me panicked that Rob was chasing Matt around the yard saying he was going to beat the shit out of him. And he got ahold of Matt and she was crying that Rob was choking him. I came to the house in a hurry finding both quiet. Rob admitted he flew off the handle a bit. I made up my mind at that point in the fall of 2008 that we were out of there. I didn't want to find the kids dead, and I was done.  
Forgive me if I don't have any compassion or seem like I don't want to work with him. I will not go against the court's order for unsupervised visits. He has not changed. Stating if he hasn't done anything to you by now Mel he won't, is wrong. Again he loves to get even with people whatever way he can. I have seen him chase people down because they owed him money. I have heard him start rumors about someone because they crossed him. He got someone fired because Rob thought he was trying to take his job. He made something up. He used to make up things about his day so they would sound more interesting for me.  
Judy saying you don't care about if he is there while I am dropping the kids off for visits and picking them up means you don't care about my safety. Heaven forbid I make waves and tick him off! Oh no we can't do that! At what cost is this? I can't see my son! And not because I don't want to, but because he has programmed him that I cannot trust that he won't harm me or my family somehow. He had the balls to start a fire and told me he was going to kill me while I slept. He had the balls to attack Terry at court. And the incident with Jess. I miss Matt! I miss the boy I remember. The man he is now is a stranger to me and someday I hope he realizes that I loved him with all my heart. I understand him wanting Rob's love. He craved it for so many years. And I also know how Rob can make you believe you are purple with enough time. I will come to visitation with police escort from now on. I will not trust that man nor do I feel safe any longer with the visitation.  
What about the safety of your grandchildren? We have supervised visits because of the slap with one of the girls because of the bra situation. Also because he pushed Jess during one of he visits. I was not there to witness any of these things but somehow I am being told I have held up this divorce. Someone please explain that one to me.  
He is a great manipulator. He will say or do whatever he has to in order to get his way! Jess was excited that we were going to finalize the divorce. But seeing as he can't get his way again then the agreement is off. I am fine with finalizing; I am not fine with going against the courts supervised visits until I am told otherwise. Rob is a piece of work and by protecting him or glossing over his issues is never going to help.  
From: <melnr5@...com>
Date: Tue, Jun 21, 2011 at 9:26 AM
Subject: Re: Visitation
To: Melinda My Love <blessmeplz@gmail.com>
Melinda. Make no mistake. You and I fought before the first time u left. I. Admit to that. And you came back. But where I came back to really try and save are marriage. You came back to punish me. Hurt me and abuse the Family. I did not hurt u after that. Even though u begged me to. And make no mistake I ended up in the hospital from your abuse. And yes millions. I don't remember stuttering. And the papers you have show how fare you mentally abused me. Make no mistake I know now that I am the victim. And I am telling anyone who will listen. And I have joined a group for abused husbands. And I am a spokes person.
But all of this do sent matter because it has nothing to do with the kids.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
From: <melnr5@...
Date: Tue, Jun 21, 2011 at 9:32 AM
Subject: Re: Visitation
To: Melinda My Love <blessmeplz@gmail.com>
I wonder what you tell the girls about me. And so you know I have had the same gentlemen. Come buy and tell me about you transporting drugs. Last time he said u where selling them. So I don't know how much to believe. But for sure this needs to be looked at
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Court today! My brain hurts!

I feel as though there is a lead weight stuffed on my head. I know I'm super tense, even though it is hours ago that we were dismissed from court.

M and my mom in law were in the hall. He is getting so big! I said Hi to my mom in law who said Hello back and told me that my father in law is in the hospital for a fall. She said they would love to hear from the girls and they would like to see them. I told them no problem I'll let them know. (Though I am thinking my phones aren't broken! No one has called to ask to see the girls since last month.) J had called them a few times but only left a message once. I said Hi to my son, who just rolled his eyes, looked away from me. Not sure what I expected but I guess some other positive response would have been nice.

The new judge is a "Take no prisoners" kind of guy. He reemed us out for not being divorced. He yelled at us for not having an Atty. I managed to squeek out that I lost my job and subsequently lost my Atty. I am not sure he heard me at all.

The Order of Protection that R filed for our son against Terry was brought up and after he said his peace about it, I interjected that I had a witness that saw the situation. I was told sternly there would be no witnesses in this case brought in.

R got spanked by the judge for his effort in losing our GAL. He had told us that it is darn near impossible to have a GAL withdraw from a case. As he fingered through a novel sized amount of emails that apparently were from R. He was appalled and told R if he finds out he even types one word to the next GAL he will throw him in Lake County Jail!

R tried to interject several times about worries about the kids welfare, while the judge shot back if R was really that concerned about the kids that he would have made sure we were finalized with our divorce.

Long story cut short,  we have to start all over again. Financials, Discovery, Parenting Time meeting. And court scheduled on Oct 19th at 9.

And with that we were dismissed, he did not want to hear anything else about anything. R got spanked verbally again for not shuting up. The young lady from the Domestic Bureau was called in ASAP! I talked to her briefly and was free to go.

D was waiting for me (she is the witness that saw the situation between M and Terry) She was surprised at how ballsy R was! She could not believe that he bugged her for her contact information. He would let up! He told her that she was protecting "him". Meaning Terry. She told him to leave her alone and that she wasn't scared of him! :) I couldn't help but grin!

So I did mention that Terry is deployed right now to the judge. As the words left my mouth I knew STBX's ear's picked up. I get in the car and there is a text message already on my phone from STBX! He ranted and raved. Blah! Blah! Blah! I had went to block his number several times over the past few weeks and the dang website was having issues. So after about 10 text messages or so and me finally getting home to block him, no more from him this evening! YEA!

But in my in-box there are about 3 or 4. Not sure if I will post them here. He is so nuts. Saying I'm abusing the kids, I abused the kids, Terry is abusing the kids, I'm doing drugs and selling them. All of which are super silly! Laughable! I have no issues with taking a drug test. If I were selling drugs I would buy a car and I would not stay in the apartment we are at! LOL!

J talked to my mom in law for a bit and they will see them (R too) for visitation on Sunday. After we are done with church. As humorous as much of this is, I'm a bit blue.

Monday is my 19th year wedding anniversary. I'm still married to him. I have been balling for awhile now. Feeling lost about what to do. I want to finalize and to find closure, but find us lost in legal land.  I am happy the court left custody as it stands! I am tickled about that!

I am sad that all he did was smirk at me. My Gaslighter stared at me. He still loves me, according to an email. And he does not want the divorce, of course I'm going against God and he won't. He will let the judge sign the divorce papers as he does not want it.

I feel so crappy right now. My head hurts! He is aware that Terry is not here. (He is deployed in another state for an unknown period of time) I was so nervous on the way to court. I felt as though I would throw up. Memories just flood my mind.

And he says so many lies! I don't understand how he gets away with them! I keep telling myself in the end he will get his. I can not judge as he will stand before the Lord.

I had a acquaintance come by and while she was here, her Nextel walkie went off. Her BF was asking where she was and who she was with. When she told him, his next question is how long are you going to be there? She just said she didn't know. Didn't reply.

A half hour later it goes off again. He says, "You still there? If you aren't going to talk to me I'm turning my phone off". She was red in the face each time he walkied her. She was embarassed.

I remember that! I remember having to explain myself to my husband. Telling him that and more. Feeling like a 5 year old. Feeling ashamed because whoever was around me would look at me with a puzzled long on they're face... Didn't he talk to you like 15 mins or a half hour ago?

Court time or visitation time always does this to me. It makes me sick. It makes me nervous. it makes me jumpy. Even right now. It brings me back to a time when I worried so much about making him happy and content I was terrified about what would happen if I failed.

I was hoping I would hear that we could move to finalize at least the marriage soon. Please forgive me that I'm just alittle blue...

Saturday, June 11, 2011

I didn't know it was that bad!

I saw someone today that I hadn't seen since Feb of 2009, the month I left STBX. I had went up to her because I thought she was someone I knew. She didn't recognize me, my hair is much shorter now!

She said she and her husband miss me. The Antique shop is not the same. I miss the heck out of that place, but don't miss the memories of STBX.

She said she didn't know it was that bad!

She is happy that I left that mess and hopes I am happy now. I showed her pictures of the kiddos that I had on a Power Point that I had made up for the Healthy Mom & Baby fair, trying to drum up business for my Doula services. We went on talking for a bit more and hope to get together for dinner or something when Terry gets back into town.

It was about time to leave so we exchanged good-bye's.

I also talked briefly to one of the lovely workers about being a Survivor of Domestic Abuse and she was going to pass on my number to someone she knew that needed to talk. She gave me a HUGE hug and told me how strong and brave I was. HMMM! I thanked her for her kind words. I packed up and left.

I spent the rest of this evening pondering again, thinking and feeling like a gloomy Gus. The "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda's", clouding my mind that was filled with jumbled memories of sadness and deep regret of not telling.

Thinking about the other woman's comments about being strong. Kayne West song drumming in my head, "Stronger" with brief snippets of Destiny's Child, "Survivor".

I have had nothing but nightmares lately. I know it's because of Mediation and court that is upcoming. I am super jumpy as well. I hate that feeling!

I cringe when I hear someone yell at they're child or at their mate. I want to speak up! I want to do what I never did. I want to shout out about not harming that innocent little person or the doting wife/partner.

I remember how submissive I was/am. I look down when a man passes my way, trained to do so. Trained not to look at a male, which made it hard to do business! J, joked in the car about some man staring at me recently and she said if I were still with "Dad" he would be saying I must be having sex with that guy. I felt terrible when the words left her mouth but I know that is exactly what "He" would have accused me of. 

His words pop in my head at times:

Why are you looking at him?
Why was he looking at you?
Did you know that person? They stared long enough at you!
SLUT! Are you *ucking him?!

I look down. It will take alot of years to stop doing certain things that I do. I want to get all of that out of my head! PTSD, panic attacks, nightmares and nervousiness.

As a victim you don't tell. I knew better! The punishment for telling was very harsh but sometimes the anticipation was worse. Knowing when I got home he was going to beat me or what have you was terrible. After a time I wished he would just do it so we could go on. I brought him the belt a few times, I waited in our room with my heart racing, palms sweating, and feeling sick to my stomach. Scared he would do something to the kids instead, which was very likely to be cruel.

Am I strong? It is said our experiences shape our lives and can make or break us. I was broken for a long time. What is enough for me is different for someone else. Hitting rock bottom for someone maybe a hospital stay on life support. For another it maybe that first slap or verbal word. I can not say when is the right time for someone to leave.

It's a matter of choice.

You have to want more for yourself! You are worth so much more then He/She says! You can make it on your own. You will make it on your own.

I had "Hope". I prayed for help and to know when it was time to go. I  still have "Hope" but for a different reason. For a new start, new joys and a new life without licking my wounds or covering up anything or for anyone. I have "Hope" and pass it on to whomever needs to know they are not alone...

Domestic Violence and Pregnancy

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Domestic Violence in Pregnancy

The time of pregnancy is a time for rejoicing and happiness! At least it should be... I loved being preggers! I disliked being preggers with my partner. I lived with much fear during my first 3 preg's. My last pregnancy was AWESOME! Terry was doting and joked about being woke up for cravings at 2 or 3 am but he enjoyed our pregnancy very much. I love being pregnant!

Anyway. I can feel both regret and shame during my pregnancy for staying as long as I did. I am filled with the choices of what could have been had I made better choices. I am just happy that I was able to find a bit of happiness with Terry. Even if he and I don't stay together for whatever reason. I have no plans to walk down the aisle again and if I do someday take that leap, I want it to be for love, not because we have a child together. Now don't get me wrong Terry is a great Dad and my best friend! But nothing is 100% nowadays. It has been a wonderful thing to not worry about getting punched in the stomach while pregnant or told "I hope you or the baby dies!" I can related to so much of the article below it's sad and pitiful!

Not to worry about being called "Fat" or told to stop eating. Or yell at the baby for crying when he/she can not understand. I cringe at the memories of shielding my little one's during some episode of craziness and fear.

The more I learn and grow the more I realize that health symptoms during not just pregnancy were not imagined and could be caused by the tremendous amount of stress I was under during those years of Abuse from my Gaslighter!  To read more about me please visit my other blog on Domestic Violence/Family Violence as well:

If you are experiencing any violence in your relationship please know it is not your fault! You don't deserve to be hit, broken or verbally put down! You are worthy of love, kindess and joy in your life!

By Rachelle Drouin, Founder, Women's Web
Did you know?
Pregnant women have a higher risk of experiencing violence during pregnancy than they do of experiencing problems such as high blood pressure, gestational diabetes or premature rupture of membranes.
The incidence of violence in pregnancy may range from 4 to 17 percent. These figures may significantly underestimate the problem, as many women do not report their experiences of violence.
Of women who had ever been married, were 18 years of age or over and who reported violence during pregnancy by a marital partner, 40 percent reported that it began while they were pregnant.
Twenty-one percent of women abused by a current or previous partner were assaulted during pregnancy.
Women who were abused during pregnancy were four times as likely as other abused women to say they experienced very serious violence (beating, choking, gun/knife threats, sexual assault).
Pregnancy is a supposed to be a joyful time—a time of peace and safety. A woman's preoccupations turn to her unborn child, toward nurturance, toward the next generation. She hopes to raise a healthy child.
For many women, pregnancy marks the beginning of a turbulent and violent time. It's estimated 1 in 5 women will be abused during pregnancy. Even more alarming—as the murders of Liana White and Laci Peterson suggest—homicide during pregnancy now surpasses automobile accidents and falls as the leading cause of death.
How prevalent is domestic violence?
A May 2002 report by the United States Accounting Office to the Honorable Eleanor Holmes Norton, House of Representatives, on pregnant victims and the effectiveness of prevention strategies states that "of surveyed women who reported being raped or physically assaulted since the age of 18, about three quarters reported being victimized by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or date."
In a 1993 Statistics Canada survey of 12,300 adult women, 29 percent of the women who had ever been married or involved in common-law relationships reported that they had been assaulted by their partners and 51% reported at least one incident of physical or sexual violence since the age of 16.
How prevalent is domestic violence in pregnancy?
Women in abusive relationships may hope pregnancy will reform an abusive partner. The sad reality, however, is that pregnancy is more likely to have the opposite effect: 1 in 6 abused women reports that her partner first became abusive during pregnancy. According to the Center for Disease Control, at least 4 to 8 percent of pregnant women—that's over 300,000 per year—report suffering abuse during pregnancy. Even more alarming: domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to American women between 15 and 44 and is estimated to be responsible for 20 to 25 percent of all hospital emergency room visits by women.
What constitutes abuse?
Pregnancy, while it's cause for excitement and elation, causes stress is any relationship and in many cases, it's a trigger for domestic violence.
The Center for Disease Control defines domestic violence during pregnancy as "physical, sexual, or psychological/emotional violence, or threats of physical or sexual violence that are inflicted on a pregnant woman." In a household survey cited in "Battering and Pregnancy" (Midwifery Today 19: 1998), it was found that pregnant women are 60.6 percent more likely to be beaten than women who are not pregnant.
Victims often see abusive behaviors as isolated, unrelated incidents. Yet, a partner's good behavior now is not necessarily a good predictor of future behavior: if a partner strikes a woman once, he or she is likely to do it again. Domestic violence often follows a clear pattern, frequently described in one or more of the following ways.
1.Tension may arise within a relationship. It may be the result of a minor disagreement.
2.Tension continues to build over a period of hours, or days or perhaps months.
3.Something will trigger an abusive incident. This assault may be physical, psychological, or sexual. (See Types of Abuse.)
4.A period of calm follows. This is often called the "honeymoon phase." The abuser may buy his/her partner gifts or lavish attention on her, often feeling sorry for what has happened.
5.Over time, the above cycle changes. More small incidents will occur, tension will increase, and the cycle will begin again. Both partners want to believe incidents of abuse will not repeat themselves, but they usually do.
Domestic violence doesn't necessarily have to be physical. It's important to understand that abuse is a pattern of behavior in which physical violence and/or emotional coercion is/are used to gain and maintain power or control in a relationship. Abuse may be continuous, or it may be a single incident of assault. Abuse may be physical, sexual, psychological/emotional or economic. For instance, say Liz Hart and Wanda Jamieson, authors of "Responding to Abuse During Pregnancy" (an overview paper available from the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence), abusers may try to control, limit, delay or deny a woman's access to health care practitioners and pre-natal providers. They may also refuse sex on the grounds that the pregnant body is unattractive, refuse access to food, threaten to leave, or threaten to report her to child welfare authorities as a potentially unfit mother. They may refuse to support a woman financially during her pregnancy or birth, refusing to allow her access to money to buy food and supplies, or force her to work beyond what is reasonable for her current endurance.
It should also be noted that for some women, their very pregnancy may itself be a form of abuse: a pregnancy conceived through sexual assault, marital rape, or from the woman's inability to negotiate contraceptive use. In fact, a fact sheet produced by the Pan American Health Organization states that women whose pregnancy is unintended or unwanted are four times more likely to suffer increased abuse. In abusive relationships, women and young girls are often forbidden to use contraceptives. Often used as a form of coercion and control, this type of dominance may even be an abusive partner's way to commit the woman to the relationship through pregnancy. Just as an abuser may control a woman's decision to continue her pregnancy, he or she may intimidate a woman into having an abortion. Some abused women may choose to have abortions out of fear.
The effects of domestic violence on pregnancy
The effects of domestic violence on pregnancy
Abuse is harmful not only to the woman being abused, but also to her baby, particularly if she takes blows to the abdomen. Such attacks can cause fetal fractures and cause injuries to or ruptures of the pregnant woman's uterus, liver, or spleen.
Studies have shown that during pregnancy, an abuser's attacks will generally focus on the breasts, abdomen, and genitals, resulting in serious consequences on the mother, fetus, and newborn and giving rise to maternal mortality and morbidity. It's linked to an increased risk of miscarriage, low birth weight, fetal injury, and fetal death.
Other complications may include:
•uterine prolapse
•antepartum hemorrhage
•premature rupture of membranes
•premature labor
•abruptio placenta
•vaginal infection from forced or unprotected sex with someone who has an infection
•increased first and second trimester bleeding
•irritable bowel syndrome
•chronic pelvic pain
•increased risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease or HIV/AIDS
The effects of domestic violence on labor
During labor and delivery, an abuser may try to control a woman's decision to have an epidural, pain medication, or other interventions. He may demand that doctors restore his partner's vagina to its pre-birth state and may make disparaging comments about her sexuality or about the sex of the baby following the birth.
For women with a history of sexual abuse, say Hart and Jamieson, labor and delivery can be especially difficult. As labor progresses, increasing pain, the resulting loss of control, and repeated pelvic and genital exams can lead to myriad responses from laboring women. Some may appear too quiet and passive while others may become overly controlling and demanding. Some may scream and cry, while others may suffer uncontrollable terror. Still others may dissociate during labor or delivery. To physicians, nurses and other attendants unaware of the abuse, such behaviors may be difficult to understand. Those who do have knowledge of a woman's history of abuse have speculated that abuse plays a role in inadequate fetal descent and may prolong second stage labor.
The effects of domestic violence after birth
Following delivery, an abuser may increase abuse, use a woman's relationship with her baby as a weapon, and deny her access to the baby. He or she may:
•sulk or put her down when she spends time with the baby
•fail to support her or to help with the baby
•demand sex soon after birth
•make negative comments about her sexuality, attractiveness, and appearance
•blame her because the infant is the "wrong" sex
•put down her parenting ability
•threaten to or actually abduct the baby
•tell her she will never get custody of the baby
•make her stay at home with the baby
•prevent her from taking a job
•make or threaten false child abuse accusations
•withhold money for supplies
•blame her for the baby's crying
•force her to or forbid her to breastfeed
Because abuse undermines their sense of competence and confidence, the World Health Organization believes abused women may not be able to breastfeed successfully.
Signs of abuse
Domestic violence isn't restricted to women of a particular race, religion, education, class, or sexual orientation. Abused women come from all backgrounds and socioeconomic areas. Yet, because of a fear of reprisal, embarrassment, and ignorance of shelters and sources of financial assistance, many victims are afraid to disclose their abuse. Such factors make it difficult to determine who has been abused. It's therefore important for professionals and practitioners to know how to appropriately respond to these issues. (Professionals' response is addressed later in this article.)
Signs a pregnant woman has been or is being abused may include:
•a delay in seeking pre-natal care
•reluctance or refusal to attend pre-natal education
•unexplained bruising or damage to her breasts or abdomen
•continued use of or addiction to substances such as cigarettes, drugs or alcohol—all known to be harmful during pregnancy
•recurring or unexplained psychosomatic illnesses
•history of physical illness
Responding to abuse
How do victims typically respond?
Devastating as domestic violence is, victims of abuse often respond in equally devastating ways, engaging in self-destructive behaviors (such as alcohol and substance abuse) that risk harming both themselves and their baby. Because abusers maintain control of their victims through socially isolating them, abused women are often unable to access the support of family, friends, local services and statutory agencies. Embarrassed that their intimate partner is an abusive person, many will not seek out medical attention, attend pre-natal classes, or attend post-natal care. In addition, because of the heavy toll of domestic abuse on victims' self-esteem, victims may also suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorders, and an increased dependence on their abuser. Some may even attempt—and sadly, achieve—suicide as a means of escaping an abusive situation.
In Hart and Jamieson's overview paper, "Responding to Abuse During Pregnancy", one victim describes the psychological impact of domestic violence thus:
The body mends soon enough. Only scars remain?but the wounds inflicted upon the soul take much longer to heal. And each time I relive these moments, they start bleeding all over again. The broken spirit has taken longest to mend; the damage to the personality may be the most difficult to overcome.
It's important not to overlook the other victims of domestic violence during pregnancy: that is, child witnesses to violence against their mother. Children who witness acts of violence may experience serious psychological or behavioral effects, including:
•increased acting out and aggressive behavior
•depression, anxiety, or panic attacks
•nightmares and sleep disturbances
•problems with social development
•problems at school (truancy, poor grades)
•post-traumatic stress disorder
•separation anxiety
•inappropriate attitudes about violence
How should professionals respond?
Professionals can mean any number of persons able to offer help to an abused woman or refer her to appropriate sources of support. Professionals, say Hart and Jamieson, can denote physicians, nurses, pharmacists, counselors, therapists, social workers, health educators, police and emergency personnel.
Because of their tendency to miss pre-natal and post-natal appointments, abused pregnant women are sometimes seen by practitioners as deviant, time wasting, or self-absorbed. It's important for professionals to keep a grounded perspective and to be sensitive to the many issues faced by victims of domestic violence.
A paper commissioned by the College of Family Physicians of Canada's Maternity and Newborn Care Committee (January 2000) suggests that because of the prevalence of abuse in the general population, all pregnant women should be screened for past or current history of abuse. These questions, however, should never be asked in the presence of their domestic partners. Professionals should be particularly concerned where a woman's partner appears overly solicitous, prevents her from seeing professional in private, or does not allow her to answer questions for herself.
Because of shame, embarrassment, uncertainty about housing options and the availability of financial aid or because previous attempts at disclosure were met with disbelief or denial, women may be reluctant to disclose their abuse. Clinicians, too, may be afraid to ask about abuse because of a lack of understanding of the importance of domestic violence as a health and social issue. Practitioners' own experiences—as victims, perpetrators, or child witnesses—could also impact their readiness to broach the subject of abuse. As a result, professionals need to recognize and address how their values and personal experiences may affect their ability to respond appropriately.
Minimizing the seriousness of the abuse or questioning a victim's behavior and responses during abusive episodes are not appropriate responses. The important thing is that professionals respond in a manner that makes victims feel believed and supported. The importance of having a safety plan should be stressed. In addition, women will feel more comfortable disclosing if they are assured the details of their disclosure will remain confidential.
Some women may need help in making wise choices and in sorting out their past experiences of abuse. In addition to providing clinical care, health care providers should also be concerned with helping such women with their physical and psychological symptoms, referring them to other health care professionals or to community services for help in securing shelter, sorting out financial and legal options, and arranging further counseling for themselves and if applicable, for their children.
Where an abused woman has children, practitioners should ask whether they have ever been abused or if there is risk of abuse. Equally important, professionals should also determine whether the physical and emotional environment is safe for the children. If not, any concerns for their safety should be reported to the appropriate child protection services.
Where an abused woman has children, practitioners should ask whether they have ever been abused or if there is risk of abuse. Equally important, professionals should also determine whether the physical and emotional environment is safe for the children. If not, any concerns for their safety should be reported to the appropriate child protection services.
Professionals need to thoroughly document the abuse.
If someone you know is being abused…
If you believe someone you know is in an abusive relationship, share your concerns and ask how you can help. Domestic violence is a crime, punishable by law. No one deserves to be abused. Remind your friend or family member that the abuse is not her fault and that she is not alone. Encourage her to seek support and counseling from local services. Encourage her to talk to an advocate, help her devise a safety/escape plan, and encourage her to talk to a healthcare professional. Try to be as supportive and non-judgmental as possible: it's important to understand the effects of abuse and the myriad emotions (embarrassment, shame, self-recrimination, disorientation) experienced by victims of domestic violence—feelings undoubtedly amplified by pregnancy.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

*UPDATE* Mediatin Today!

My knees were knocking and at one point my teeth were chattering during the drive to court. I was thankful my Dad didn't notice! He kept reminding me that I was in charge and not under STBX's control anymore! I breathed a sigh of relief, but I was filled with more heavy anxiety as we drove nearer to the courthouse.

My stomach was in knots and hurting from my ulcer. I felt terrible! I was filled with doom and worry. We arrived about 15 mins early. I was told my Dad could not stay in the room with me. I instantly felt trapped and scared because that meant being with "him". Thankfully the Mediator suggested separate rooms for us.

He arrived about 15 mins late! I was hopeful he wouldn't show at all but then I heard his voice that caused me to jump abit out of my chair, while I could feel myself start to shake again and then my Dad was told to leave. My stomach just dropped down to my knees!

It actually went pretty swift! I could hear murmurs from him about Terry and custody. The Mediator told him repeatedly that this was not what we were to talk about and that he needed to find another way to discuss that with the court instead. AH! My Gaslighter is swift and cunning!

After a bit of going back and forth about the house bill, it was decided that we can not make progress on that. And since I want full custody of the girls and so does he, there was no decision. We were at an "Impasse". So we go to court on Wednesday with hopes that the Judge will make a ruling, or STBX was told he could request more therapists to see the girls. (The current court appointed therapist said the girls were going to be just fine and I do need to get a letter stating that for our next court date) As well as a new GAL, ours took himself off the case. My guess is STBX got too much to handle.

They let me leave first and that was that! I felt a wave of relief after we left. Boy did my deodorant fail! LOL! So now I get to be nervous again next week. AGH!

Mediation today!

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous! I feel as though I could throw up right now and my ulcer is bothering me. I didn't sleep well last night. I dread seeing him today. He makes me so sick, not just physically but mentally.

I'm not looking forward to dealing with a system that does not understand DV or want to understand DV. This is going to be a long morning! I just want the marriage dissolved so I can feel as though I have closure.

I saw him a few days ago, driving with what looked like several people in the van. I kept my eyes straight ahead and he actually beeped his horn. As though we are besties. What the heck?!

Duty calls more later

Thursday, June 2, 2011

God's Free Will

No matter how hard try you can not just "will" thoughts, feeling, emotions, behavior on someone. The decisions that person make is theyre own. Everyone was given the gift of "Free will", this allows us to make choices that may not be for our benefit or very pretty!

Though I try or pray, I know that I can not just think that person into better behavior or a better relationship. People are who they are. Changing someone to fit your needs is not a good choice. You may end up with a fight or struggle on your hands!

I prayed desparately for changing loved ones and realize I can not do this. I give it to God to change they're hearts or behavior patterns. He alone can do that. He alone can work in the hearts of those I love. It may not be for me! It may not end up with a happy scenerio in the end. No warm fuzzy or tears. All one can do is keep hope, give it to God to take off your shoulders.

Ok, maybe I do end up in the corner rocking slowly hugging my legs or perhaps I'm just weepy and snot faced much of the time or maybe I stuff my face full of something tasty to ease my burden. I do not get any satisfaction from these things. I do not get satisfaction talking it over with family or friends because, as kindly as they listen, they are not in my shoes. I appreciate and love them to death for listening to me ramble and whine but they can only do so much.

I hate sounding like a broken record!

I don't like myself for allowing myself to feel sorry for me. At least that is what someone said recently. It shut me up in a heartbeat! Of course STBX said things similar about me feeling sorry and what do I have to be worried or upset about? My life isn't hard? WAH! That was the tone. I felt so crappy but on the other hand, perhaps I do need to harden myself more. I'm not sure.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, those close to me know in a split second something is wrong with me by just a glance. Dang my emotions! GRRFACE!

And dang "Free will"! If he would just do this or do that! Or if he would have just seen what this or that did to me by hurting me emotionally or whatever...

I too have "Free will"! I can change my circumstances. I can change who I am by reprogramming me to love me. To find in myself something more to be proud of!

I am starting to love me. I am learning to run by the mirrors really quick before I catch myself in the mirror so I don't start critiquing myself, which ends up with me not liking that woman in the mirror again.

I have "Free will", to love and be loved, to make choices that I see better for me. And though they may not fit in with whoever's grand plan, in the long run, I'm the one that matters. It's my path and I can choose how to live it.

"Free will..." Gotta love it!