Get over it already!

It can be quite easy for someone that hasn't walked in your shoes to tell you how you should feel. Whether it is a few weeks or months or maybe years since you have been through your abuse.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on when you should been done healing or they may ask you why you feel compelled to keep bringing up the subject of your past.

"Why can't you just drop it?"
"Why don't you just move on already?"

You may get some eye rolling or deep sighs from the person you are sharing your feelings with. Soon, you just clam up holding so many of the hurts inside.

It can be very hard for somebody else to understand the in's, out's up's and down's of being a victim or a survivor of abuse of any sort. I've gotten... "I understand" when I know the person had never been effected directly or indirectly by abuse. There has been times I wanted to shout, "How could you?!" or "Seriously?!", I do tuck those aside as most people do not really know how to answer or help when there is a situation that is out of the norm.

People love to give advice or hear gossip, but when it is something that is outside the normal comfort zone you can have problems.You finally open up to someone that may have pestered you for what is going on in your life and you may leave them dumbfounded, amazed or speechless.

I can't prepare you for what is going to happen during your journey (Hopefully you are on the path of healing and safety). I can share my own opinions and they seem to have really evolved since I began this incredible path that has been filled stumbling blocks, set-backs, fear, discouragement, joy, happiness, hope and faith.

I've mentioned many times that it isn't easy to leave an abuser. There is no abuse worse then another. There is not right or wrong time to make the jump to leave or kick him/her out. You will know in your heart, things will fall into place that point to what the right decision for you is.

I have read many cases where the abuser is using drugs or alcohol and once they get off the habit the person changes into a great person with no other patterns of abuse. Now, these are very rare and slim chances. I do not want to give anyone a reason to stay with their abuser for hope of change. I do not want to say one way or another this will work for every substance abuse relationship. If it does or did that is terrific! Blessings to you and your partner!

I also do not want to say that something earth shattering may happen to your abuser and they will forever change their behavior for the better. Put that aside. Think about you. Your abuser no matter what the situation is responsible for his/her behavior. Take off your Mom/Dad cap and let this person know or let them go to make the decisions they need to make for the path they want to keep on.

You need to think about you.

Ask yourself a few questions:

Where do you see yourself in a year?
Alive? Dead from your abuser or suicide?

Will you still be in the same relationship? Maybe feeling stuck or scared or hopeless.

What do you want out of life?

Do you honestly want to live the rest of your life this way? (Scared or suffering?)

If you have children, please think of them. If you see that one of your children maybe seeing someone that is abusive or may themselves be an abuser what would you do? Our children do have a tendency to pick up the abusive patterns. The amazing transformation of a broken spirit can be awesome! It doesn't happen overnight, so please do not shake your head and think that I must be smoking funny cigarettes because it has been years since you may have left your abuser and your child maybe pretty rough around the edges.

It may take years of counseling or talking to caring friends or family to heal. Children seem to have a tougher time healing after an abusive relationship. They are too immature to explain or vent about how the abuse affected them. Don't be surprised to see aggression, confusion, head banging, running away, verbal abuse, cutting, crying, depression, anxieties, withdrawing from you and more.

Like yourself, they need time to heal. Healing is slow. It can be frustrating. And that is my professional opinion as a Jack of all trades. I am not a therapist or counselor. I have read much on the subject, spoke to various professionals (Legal and Medical) and of course my own first hand experience.

The raw emotions in the beginning after leaving the abusive relationship are very strong! They can be overwhelming! (I never did wear the Rudolph the booger nose reindeer look well) Believe or not they will pass as time goes by. And if you plan to live a charmed life soon after leaving your abuser, though that sounds lovely, in reality you may be dealing with someone that threatens your life or your children or is stalking you and the legal circus could have you in tears.

So my Dear Blog reader, I am not sharing any of this to intimidate you, or cause you to think, "Maybe I'll just stay with Joe/Jane Doe to save myself the trouble or problems."

The road to recovery and freedom from abuse by far outweighs where you are now. Knowing that you can survive from this and you will survive should inspire you to stay strong.

OK, enough of the pep talks! If you are in a super volatile situation, consider bringing in the police. Contact a shelter or check with your state or country about legal help in these matters, especially if you have children together! Safety is the primary concern!

Please check out previous posts about Safety or Leaving your abuser for suggestions or tips.

Stay safe and God bless!
Mel

Positive thoughts and affirmations!

It can be easy to slip right back into old habits or patterns once you have left your abuser. 

Sometimes these things just sneak up on you! 

Beating yourself up about these setbacks can really make you out of sorts. 

 Changing your triggers or patterns is work. 

Take baby steps and if you fall pick yourself back up.

Get yourself out of the house or try to focus on something positive.

I am a firm believer in trying something new or out of the box that may be something you have always been curious about or to do. 

Such as, taking up a hobby, traveling, or just doing something for you. 

Pray or meditate or do both. Create a Vision Board (Wish board). Start saying Positive Affirmations. Find Bible quotes that can lift you up! 

Tape yourself saying positive affirmations or Bible verses, play these when you need to remind you that you are worthy! 

Here is a neat list of affirmations and positive thoughts-

Kristy Robinett- http://www.kristyrobinett.com/

Give yourself permission to keep boundaries. Not just today, but everyday.

Peace doesn't mean silence, but finding that calmness within even when their is chaos around you.

Be gentle with yourself.

Faith begins with trust and trust begins with a hope. Hope in the unseen and of things to come, faith tells you.

 

Today my world is changing for the better. I open my awareness to my shifting reality. I allow my intuition to guide my actions to day with trust that I am guided toward my highest good.

Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over, you endured the pain and God has healed you.

Beating yourself up over the past won't change it, now will it?

Morning Meditation-  Silence in your life is just as important as hydrating yourself with water. It is an essential in keeping your soul and spirit healthy. When was the last time you allowed your mind to wander and daydream? Today, even for just 5 minutes, allow in the silence. Shut everything off (TV, radio, net), etc and drink it in.

My possibilities are endless. I believe in myself and in my abilities. My mind is constantly producing money-making ideas. I expect great things to happen every day. My subconscious mind is my partner in success. I am brave.

www.BlogTalkRadio.com/christina-lunden

I know now I AM the creator of my life.

I create a balance between my family's needs and my personal needs.

I create a balanced, healthy body.

I create a balance between my work life and my personal life.

I create a perfect balance of money flowing into and out of my life.

I create a balance between my Earth life and my spiritual life.

I AM consciously creating all aspects of my life.

I AM relaxed in my created life, knowing what I have in my life are my choices.

As I choose to create something different, I remember I have the power to create and re-create at any time.

I AM the creator of my life!

http://www.abundancetapestry.com/101-affirmations-for-children/

101 Affirmations for Children
1. I can do whatever I focus my mind on.
2. I am awesome.
3. I am very intelligent.
4. I am a fast learner.
5. I am worthy.
6. I deeply love and accept myself.
7. I enjoy learning.
8. Learning is fun and exciting.
9. I understand the lessons taught in school completely and quickly.
10. I believe in myself and my abilities.
11. While I appreciate details, I am able to also see the big picture in things.
12. I have many gifts and talents.
13. I learn from my challenges and can always find ways to overcome them.
14. I am open to possibility.
15. I embrace my fears fully and calmly.
16. I make like-minded friends easily and naturally.
17. I am healthy and am growing up well.
18. I have persistence in what I believe in.
19. Miracles happen to me all the time.
20. I am very creative.
21. Ideas for problem solving come easily and quickly to me.
22. I am a great listener.
23. My family, friends and teachers love me for who I am.
24. I am unique and special.
25. Opportunities come to me in good time.
26. I may make mistakes sometimes but I choose to learn from them.
27. I accept myself even though I sometimes make mistakes.
28. Every day and in every way, I get better and better.
29. My intuition guides me in what I do.
30. I am calm, relaxed and peaceful.
31. I am always in the right place at the right time.
32. I enjoy being, feeling and thinking positive.
33. Problems challenge me to better myself in every way.
34. I trust myself in making great decisions.
35. I am loving kindness to all.
36. I do my best in my work and tasks.
37. I am present.
38. I trust in my ability to solve problems.
39. I enjoy my own company.
40. I accept compliments graciously and openly.
41. I am whole and complete.
42. I enjoy trying new ideas.
43. I embrace changes in peaceful, harmonious and positive ways.
44. I believe I can be whatever I want to be.
45. I can visualize very well.
46. I am vibrant and have lots of energy.
47. I am divinely protected.
48. I am kind, generous and loving.
49. I complete my school work on time every day.
50. I am deserving of love, trust and kindness.
51. I achieve great and successful results.
52. I am brave.
53. I experience beauty wherever I go.
54. I have got an awesome imagination.
55. I am able to solve problems creatively.
56. All is well in the world.
57. I am thankful for my blessings.
58. I have a healthy relationship with my teachers.
59. I choose to forgive all others for any mistakes they have done.
60. I feel confident and secure.
61. I enjoy letting events unfold in good time.
62. I have loving, positive and happy thoughts.
63. I express my ideas easily.
64. I am courageous even when things are unknown to me.
65. I reach my goals easily.
66. I am in charge of my own life.
67. I enjoy playing games with my friends.
68. I am gentle with myself.
69. I have many friends who like being near me.
70. The trees, flowers and birds are my friends.
71. I radiate love and compassion.
72. Miracles happen to me every day.
73. I am on my way to creating great wealth.
74. I am excellent in languages.
75. I am quick and accurate with Mathematics.
76. I am able to analyze and see clearly for problem solving.
77. I read, write and learn fast.
78. I absorb knowledge like a sponge and am able to apply what I have learnt.
79. I do my best for my studies.
80. I am attentive in class.
81. I am a natural in _________ (sports).
82. I am on top of my classes.
83. I enjoy challenging myself in new ideas, possibilities and directions.
84. I am a winner!
85. I turn failures into opportunities for success.
86. I handle all my responsibilities and tasks well.
87. I enjoy eating healthy snacks.
88. I love my body.
89. I am honest and trustworthy.
90. I choose to look for the best way forward for myself.
91. I am able to understand and solve complex problem sums or questions easily.
92. I enjoy experiencing life in multiple ways.
93. I love being healthy!
94. I manage my time well.
95. I like being punctual.
96. I enjoy having habits that will help me have a happy, healthy and successful life.
97. I listen to my gut or inner wisdom closely.
98. I am able to easily draw inspiration from nature and life.
99. I believe in my dreams.
100. I have an excellent memory.
101. I am Me, and I am Okay! (Words quoted from Self Esteem Poem by Psychologist Virginia Satir. Featured in my How to Love Yourself post here).

List of Positive Words

http://www.scribd.com/doc/4097251/A-to-Z-of-Positive-Words

Don't forget to check out the labels for other ideas for Positive Affirmations/Vision Boards!

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Local paper interview!

It is finally published! (The Lowell Tribune- Lowell, IN) What can I say? I'm at a loss. There was a few things I wished I had said different, or added. All and all this is a stepping stone for me to start working on my book.

I do find myself putting it off for anxiety reasons but know that it will be good therapy and I'm not really doing it for me. I am doing it to share my story so other women or men know they aren't alone in they're struggle for safety.

Don't lose hope! Educate yourself the best you can. It is easy to feel sad, hopeless, angry or defeated. The roller coaster of emotions can send some back to the abuser so many have desperately tried to escape for fear of financial ruin, no home or feeling alone.

You can also have feelings of regret, or empathy for your abuser. Your not weird about feeling these things. I struggled with these issues for many years and even after I left for good in 2009, I still felt those things and more. The swirl of emotions can boggle your mind.

Be patient with yourself during this whole process. Be patient with the legal/immigration system. If you have kids, please be patient with them! Remember they are hurting and depending on the age, they may be as twitterpated as you are. Unlike adults, children have a different way of coping with separation and abuse (Any type of abuse).

Some children may become hermits or loners. Others may become aggressive, violent or mouthy. They may use language or behavior that is a opposite how they used to act. I'm not saying this is OK behavior. It's not but you need to understand you are not alone during what seems like a dark time in your life.

It can be hard to keep it together and keep a straight face or positive outlook. Pushing your children away at this time is not a good idea. Remind they that none of this is any fault of theirs. If you need to locate services in your area to get counseling for you and your children. 

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS and PRAYERS!
Mel

Safety plan revisit

I'm now one of those survival geeky types that browses "Youtube" for new ideas on how to simplify "Go bags" or "Go kits". It is amazing what you can fit in an Altoid or candy tin!

OK, Mel, where are you going with this?

If you can't take a "Go bag" due to heighten awareness of your abuser, how about a candy tin?

Maybe your abuser took your cell phone. Do you know phone numbers for your emergency contact? Do you have a paper phone book? Knowing a phone number for your friends and family is a lost art. It's up there with snail mail, so gathering numbers for someone in an emergency is important!

Since you may not be able to tailor a "Go bag or Kit", gather a small amount of items for your candy tin survival kit. A small list of phone numbers can be placed on the lid of your kit, band-aid, spare car key or house key (If your abuser locks you out or takes your keys), change for a pay phone/phone card, mini flash light, tiny knife, birthday candles... The list can go on and on. Tailor it to your needs for an emergency. This doesn't have to be just for an abusive situation.

Keep it in your glove box of your car or it's small enough for your purse. Cover your bases!

I had been in a situation when I was with my abuser in which he cut my driver license, debit card and took my house/car keys, he took all of the bills/cash/checkbook in the house too. I felt like a prisoner. I think of the "should have done's and could have done's" now.

The point of this rambling is to be pro-active in your safety. HAVE A PLAN. I would like you to feel empowered rather then a victim in your situation.

Stay safe!
God bless!

Mel

My story is getting out!

This year has been very inspiring, up-lifting and encouraging to me.

I had the privilege of having my bio run on Patheos from a request by a dear strong woman that had experienced abuse in her marriage. I appreciate her kindness as well as her perseverance to over-come that to become a successful business owner, Author, and Radio/TV personality. She was one of my cheerleaders from the beginning of my journey. You can find her uplifting blog and my bio here- http://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/

I was equally blessed to run into a woman covering a story about a CPR class a few months back. I did ask if she (Or the paper) maybe interested in covering a story about DV. I gave her my email and she did contact me about doing the interview (I may have already wrote about this but I have Mommy brain, please excuse me!). I am happy to say that it will be out tomorrow in the local paper-
http://www.thelowelltribune.com .

Of course this has brought some unforeseen physical issues with me. some parts of my body have started twitching. I felt a panic attack come on this morning, luckily I was able to talk myself through it and my kids reassured me everything was OK. Terry and I went to an auction today that totally took my mind off things. I was lucky to score some cool things for our next "Hoard sale".

Normalcy

There I said it! I'm longing for that time when I have no worries about crazy ex stuff. A friend bumped into my ex, which made for a uncomfortable time for the person as my ex started saying nasty and the usual ravings about how awful I am.  

Some things never change. . .

I have been hemming and hawing writing my story. I can blog all day long, but stepping into the Author arena is scary. I believe it needs to be told but saying it out loud is easier. I'm not sure why.

And no, I didn't drink before this picture was taken. HAHA!

Blessings! Stay safe!
Mel

What does abuse look like?

I had a brief chat with a woman from work. I mentioned that she was being abused and her reply was "Oh, my partner doesn't beat me.".

That made me think...

What do people think abuse is?
What does abuse look like?

Abuse does not "have" to be physical to be abuse.

Abuse can be sexual.
Abuse can be emotional.
Abuse can be mental.
Abuse can be financial.
Abuse does not discriminate!

Abuse can happen to:
The Old, the young, middle age, men, women, children.

Abuse can happen at:

Home or the workplace

Abuse can happen to you!

*Are you in a volatile situation or know someone that is? Please refer to the Safety plan or Safety label for more information"

Stay safe!

Blessings and prayers!
Mel
 

Terms you should know in a divorce/separation

Terms you should know if you are in the legal system seeking a separation or divorce from an abusive partner-

Guardian ad litem?

A Guardian ad litem (GAL) is a person the court appoints to represent the best interests of a child in a divorce or parental rights and responsibilities case. The GAL will investigate the family situation and advise the court about where a child should live and what type of contact parents should have with their children.

What is divorce mediation, and how is it different from arbitration?

Divorce mediation is a process in which divorcing spouses try to negotiate an acceptable divorce agreement with the help of a neutral third party: the mediator. The mediator helps the spouses to communicate and negotiate but doesn't make any decisions for them.

Both mediation and arbitration involve a neutral third party who is not a judge. In mediation, the neutral party has no power to make decisions. In arbitration, the neutral third party -- the arbitrator -- listens to the facts and then decides the case, just as a judge would. Although the parties can present evidence and make arguments, they have no say in the final decision.

Visitation/Supervised visitation


Visitation is the arrangement set out for contact between the child and the parent (or 3rd party) who does not maintain the primary residence for the child. Visitation can be set out in a number of ways including a flexible visitation schedule, reasonable visitation as determined by the custodial parent , a structured visitation schedule to include holidays, weekends and summer vacations and supervised visitation..
If one parent has sole legal custody, that parent has the authority to make long range decisions regarding the health, education and religious decisions for the child. . The parent who does not have legal custody, should not attempt to subvert those decisions. For example, if the parent with legal custody has decided to raise the child in the Jewish tradition, the parent with visitation rights should not take the child to be baptized in a Catholic church.

How do you determine a visitation schedule?

The courts encourage parents to work together to determine the visitation schedule that will be in the best interest of the child. Such factors as school and work schedules, family traditions, distance of the parents homes, other siblings and family members, health requirements and other personal issues effect each visitation schedule uniquely. If parents are able to work together to set a schedule that will benefit the child’s needs and accommodate the parents schedules, the courts have mediation resources available to assist. Court certified mediators are available in every county to provide neutral assistance to allow the parents to meet the needs of their child.

Who can be awarded visitation?

Obviously a biological parent can be awarded visitation . Additionally, grandparents (even when the parents weren't married or are not currently divorced) and step-parents may be awarded visitation rights. While there are no reported cases of brothers or sisters being given visitation , a strong argument could be made that it would be in the best interest of the child.

When can visitation be denied?

If the child is in an unsafe situation, it is important that the problem is brought to the attention of the court and other agencies that might be appropriate. The court has the power to deny visitation to a parent. Normally the court will only stop visitation for a certain time or until a certain task is performed. If the parent with primary residency denies court ordered visitation , the parent who has been denied visitation should consider filing an action for contempt and/or modification of the existing order.

Are visitation rights contingent on the payment of child support and vice versa?
 
No. Court ordered visitation rights may not be denied to the non-custodial parent, even though the non-custodial parent is not paying child support. A parent who has been denied visitation does not have the right to stop paying court ordered child support. Not following court orders will place you in contempt and will only get you in trouble with the possibility of jail time.

When is supervised visitation or monitored exchanges appropriate?

Supervised visitation protects the safety of the child and centers are available throughout Maryland. "Monitored Exchange" programs allow the child to be exchanged and move from one parent to the other without the parents having contact.

Many parents and children who are separating or divorcing in difficult circumstances need help from a neutral third party in arranging for visitation . Although emotions may be running high between the parents, it is in the child's best interests that they should consider that in most situations children want to continue relationships with both parents. If the child’s parentl wants to maintain a relationship with the child, judges are unlikely to terminate the rights of the parent to visit. In particularly volatile situations, supervised visitation or monitored exchanges should be considered. Supervised visitation is visitation between a parent and child held at a neutral location. Supervised visitations are closely monitored by staff who may intervene when necessary to ensure appropriate parent/child interactions.

Monitored exchange occur at a neutral center where the parents pre-arrange times at which the parents exchange the child. Staggered pick-up and drop-off times are usually arranged so that the parents do not have to be in contact with one another. The actual exchange is monitored by staff who generally try to ease the process for the child.

When might I consider using one of these services?

Supervised visitation may be useful in situations where the parent who does not have primary residence:

is working on improving his/her parenting skills;
may have a drug or alcohol abuse problem;
has been abusive or has had trouble controlling anger; or
may have been involved in inappropriate sexual behavior with the child.

Monitored exchanges may be useful in any of the situations described above, particularly if the parent who does not have the primary residence completed treatment and is ready for unsupervised visits. Monitored exchanges may also be helpful when parents separate and find themselves arguing or when there is a history of domestic violence. If any violence was directed at the child, supervised visitation may be most appropriate.
How do I arrange for these services?

Most people find the services through referrals from the courts, Family Services, or Child Protective Services. Others negotiate visitation agreements that include one of these arrangements.

* I am not an Attorney. Please ask your lawyer or advocate information. Educate yourself on the system. Ask questions about EVERYTHING. You are paying a person (or blessed to have a Pro-bono atty), talk to them, inquire about what's going on. Voice your concerns. Try to keep your emotions in check. I know it's not easy. This is the tough part! Listen, take notes, ask questions and if need be take someone with you or ask if you can record the meeting to make sure you don't miss anything. 

Think about things to ask your legal person before you go to make sure you hit the things you feel are important. Be reliable, upfront and honest! Depending on circumstances in your break-up, you may have children or pets to protect.

Leave no stone unturned! If your legal representative seems as though they aren't truly listening or understanding- FIRE THEM! Don't be afraid to fire them. You can do this! Surprised? It does push back your court proceedings when this happens but make sure you feel comfortable with the person representing you. 

Pick someone that can work with you, whether it be someone that has worked with abuse victims before or someone that is sympathetic and not just out for a fat check.

You can actually do much or all the separation/divorce yourself. Now this is frustrating, empowering and can be rewarding. Many states offer Legal Assistance or Legal Aid or even some Pro-Bono attorneys that can help you, prepare, file, give advice or represent you if you need it! Honest! Call or check out your local governments website for more information. 

Women's Shelters- If you are lucky and don't have to stay in a shelter that is wonderful. These places can not only help you if you need shelter in an emergency, but they have resources for counseling, legal assistance, advocates, housing, help with job searches/resume and more! (Guys you can call too!)

Stay safe! Read and learn all you can about the courtroom.

Blessings!
Mel

I'm rooting for you!