Using the "Grey Rock Method" to deal with a toxic person

So what is the Grey Rock Method? 

It was first mentioned by a blogger named Skylar who wrote an article on 180rule.com. In 2009 after leaving a relationship she poured out her story to a stranger. After she shared he told her that he was a malignant narcissist. He then told her what he did to his girlfriend when he experienced something similar. The idea is that your responses are as exciting as a dull rock. This doesn't attract attention and blends in with your surroundings.

With a toxic person, you are a shiny trinket to them. Like a cat playing with a Christmas, they enjoy batting around those ornaments. With the abuser, you are that ornament! They want what you have. Your tears, your reactions, screams, or when you throw things this gives your abuser fuel. Don't give them what they want that is your energy. They crave your reactions. In a sense, they are addicted to drama and you may notice it seems like an endless cycle of problems or issues with people or make otherwise simple situations escalate into something big.

With the Grey Rock method, you become that rock. You channel boring, non-nonchalant, or canned responses. Now, this may not be a long-term fix for you or your situation.

When possible go “No contact” keep a paper trail, do your correspondence in writing instead of face-to-face. Having a history or documentation of your situation is important.

It may be practical to go no contact. If you have to have contact because children together, or you have a job where there is a toxic person or holiday gatherings with toxic family members try using this method. Let's dive in!

When you do this method you are in going to use responses that are not engaging. You will keep your end of the conversation to being brief and a matter of fact, using a simple- Yes, No, Meh!, Eh?!

Use little to no emotion when responding. Maybe they ask how your weekend went, you can reply, “It was fine”, or if they ask

Don't feed their drama! This can be addictive to them but to you as well!

Don't give out personal details about your life or things going on with you.

Keep it as impersonal as possible.

Keep busy during these interactions. Don't stop what you are doing!

Step back and observe the behavior of your abuser rather than let them push your buttons.

Put emotional distance between you and this person. It can be hard especially if you have deep feelings.

Don't tell the person this is what you are doing.

You may want to pace yourself so they don't catch on Remember this is temporary.

If this is between friends, family, or workplace consider finding an exit strategy that may include physically leaving the situation, holiday gathering, or the relationship.

In a sense, you are manipulating the situation and disconnecting yourself as well as those emotions that you may need to deal with to start healing.

Focusing less on the drama from your relationship and more on yourself so you can learn your triggers and more about your wants and needs.

Avoid bringing up the past! Bringing up past wounds can spark an argument. Don't take the bait!

What is the Yellow Rock Method?

You are using the Grey Rock method but adding; Please, Thank you! Or “Hello!

This person is going to paint you in a bad light. Let it go! Shrug and walk away.

The ultimate answer for this is to leave. This may require lots of thought prayer and planning. If you need help with don't hesitate to message me privately. Know you are not alone on this journey. I'm cheering you on!

Someone out there needs to know they are not alone and that they can survive. Perhaps you are a parent or friend of someone trapped in an abusive relationship and need to know how to help. My goal is to share awareness, offer empowerment, and educate others about emotional traumas and domestic abuse. Here I will share my story and also stories of courage and healing from Survivors, Coaches, to Therapists/Counselors.

You can find my books and my Journals here- https://www.amazon.com/Melinda-Kunst/e/B0788SWSB1

Find me on Facebook here- www.facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone

The Survivors Cafe on Facebook is a private community for women- https://www.facebook.com/groups/724081331311924

Find help and info here- https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.domesticshelters.org/

https://internationalwomenshouse.org/get-help

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations

Sexual Assault Hotline- https://www.rainn.org/

National Suicide Prevention- Lifeline-800-273-8255

Sending you lots of love and BIG HUGS! Mel

Did I mention I started a podcast?! I did! Find this here-

Hope when there was none Podcast

What is Trauma Bonding?

A victim may feel powerless to leave. They make you feel empathy for them. They may even feel they can't live without this person. 

This can also be called, “Stockholm Syndrome” in an abusive relationship. It can be formed quickly and last even after a relationship has been severed. (Find the video for this here- What is Trauma Bonding?)

There can be times of love, tenderness, and then cruelty. The victim can have a paralyzing fear and feel helpless. The abuser isolates the victim slowly convincing them that they are the only one they can trust or they are the only one they can trust. This can make “no contact orders” hard to keep. Victims may no longer trust their instincts.

There can be a “Honeymoon stage” of a happy relationship, then a build-up of things that “go wrong” which can explode into jealousy, rage, bitterness, and then apologies from the abuser. With the cycle starting all over again.

You may create coping skills to deal with your situation. Your identity, self-worth, and your own needs may get lost during this relationship.

The abuser may attempt to control or mold the

victim, they may showering them with gifts, a hug, promising to listen to the victims concerns or to reward the victim because they did as they were told.

Can use sex as a punishment, could be highly addicted to sexual or does not respect No means no!

How do you know if you are in a Trauma bonded relationship?

You can feel powerless or stuck but try to make the best of your situation.

There are times when you don't love/like or want to be with the abuser but don't feel that you can leave.

You may feel that you don't deserve better, no one will want you, feel inferior, you may begin self-destructive behavior, prostitution (With the belief that's all your good for), self-harm, or that you somehow should be punished or mistreated by a person.

You may promise you won't do whatever it was that set the abuser off.

You may rationalize that your partner isn't always this way. Or they are only this way when they drink, use drugs, have little to no money, or if they hang out with certain people.

You may feel you can change the person, or if you have a baby things will change, if you get married things will change, or if you get a better job you won't argue about money.

You overlook the bad in the person because of all the “good” they do. For example, they help or are active in church or the community.

Your family or friends have confided they believe you need to break it off with this person but, you defend the relationship.

You physically feel sick thinking about leaving or that you may die if you leave. That you can't live without them.

The other person lets you down or doesn't support your dreams, thoughts, or ideas. Toxic people threaten to sue or to change custody or child support if you don't comply or listen to whatever is irking them at that moment.

Can you heal from this toxic relationship? Yes, you can! How?

1. Go no contact! This may mean you have another person check messages or voice mail messages. If you have to co-parent drop off and pick-up children in a public spot. Don't engage your abuser! If this doesn't work stick to the facts ignore heated words or exchanges. Don't respond! Abusers don't listen to boundaries so it is up to you to make sure you protect yourself by stopping harassing or abusive messages.

2. Be careful during family get-togethers, school, or holiday gatherings. Even if your children or family want you to make an appearance explain the best you can and try to avoid the situation if at all possible.

3. Let your boss, school, or medical staff know what is going on. Your abuser may try to get you fired from your place of employment, paint you as the aggressor, lie about things that happened between the two of you or worse.

4. It can be hard not to let your mind and heart wander to the past. But, remember a healthy relationship doesn't make you feel unworthy or belittled. Consider jotting down the reasons you left your relationship and look it over anytime you feel like going back.

5. Start trusting your instincts again! If you feel off about a person or situation trust yourself to take things cautiously. If you are starting a new romance or relationship don't leave your children or furbabies alone with this person until you can truly feel that you trust them. It may take time for this to happen and trust the instincts of your children and or if your pet doesn't like this person. Introduce this new person slowly.

6. Slowly rebuild your life again. This may mean you move to an entirely new place, let go of old friends or family, find a new job. Take every day with small steps. What did you want to be when you “grew up”? What are your favorite hobbies? What have you always wanted to do? Or where did you always want to go? Join a health club, or start walking. Exercise is helpful when you are healing. It sends good vibes to your body and can increase good endorphins to your brain and the rest of you! This is a great stress reliever! You don't have to sign up for a marathon or hot Yoga. Start slow!

7. Start journaling your thoughts and feelings, let the tears flow, cry or scream if you need to. You don't have to keep this you can tear it up or save it to use for legal purposes. When you are going through a traumatic relationship you may forget things. This is our bodies why of protecting us! It's normal and natural. Don't be hard on yourself for not remembering things.

8. Talk to a supportive friend or counselor about your past. Learn new patterns to help you overcome any issues with trust, boundaries, taking steps to heal, or coping skills to help with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, or other health issues.

9. Listen to uplifting and positive music, podcasts, reading good books, or movies. Do some soul work with digging into your Bible/Torah/etc... Do affirmations, mirror work, grounding, or meditation.

10. Believe in yourself! Don't be surprised if after time health problems lessen or go away!

One last thing how do you know what's a healthy relationship?

Someone that says, “I understand.” or “I hear your concerns, I love you.” (No strings attached) and the words align with actions, there is mutual trust, has boundaries and respects yours, no hidden agenda, open communication gives partners time to grow, heal and evolve.

I hope these help! Don't hesitate to message me privately if you need to talk. 

Stay safe and BIG HUGS!

Mel

What Does "After Trauma" look like?

 

After you step outside of your toxic relationship you may feel that magically you are fine and you just might. But, there are those that have symptoms as listed below. I'll admit that I was one of those people that thought I was fine and didn't realize that I was living in such a high state of alert all the time that when I finally let it sink in it seemed like my body just decided to fall apart. 

I think of an air-filled balloon that hasn't been tied. Once released and you let go you float around all over the room until it's deflated. That was me! So this is what "after" trauma can look like:

💥 You may feel tired

💥Your brain may feel a bit scattered or foggy

💥You may feel cautious when trusting people

💥Intense emotional times may make you feel edgy

💥 There is the possibility of nightmares/night terrors

💥You may get caught up in a cycle of drama

💥 Emotions can be high

💥 You may feel numb

💥 You may feel alone

So, what can you do to combat these feelings? 

💗Start a healing path

💗Talk with a counselor/therapist or a trusted friend

💗 Using journaling

💗 Listening to uplifting music

💗 Exercise

💗 Getting outdoors

💗 Gardening

💗Learning a hobby

💗 Adopting a pet

💗 Finding faith 

It isn't an easy path and takes time so please be gentle with yourself. Your healing journey can look entirely different than mine or someone else you know. Try to do something daily. This may mean you make your bed, brush your teeth, or even take a shower! 

If you need to talk don't hesitate to message me privately. If you are in an escalated situation please reach out to your local law enforcement, or reach out to The Hotline. If you need a safe place to stay contact Domestic Shelters.

Stay safe & BIG HUGS,

Mel

Are you living in “Victim mode”?

Victim mode or Victim mentality can happen to anyone.

It's where you feel victimized by the actions of others or you may feel or behave as if the world is against you. Perhaps things are challenging in your life and you feel like nothing ever goes right and if you can't prove it you may feel the circumstances are unfair. Even when things are going right you find fault or things wrong.

Life presents challenges in life. No one is without fault, loss, or circumstances that they have no control over.

It's alright to feel sorry for what you can not control. Such as abuse, mourning a loss, victim of a crime, losing your job, your relationship. Start to examine if you feel that things are happening to you. Living as a victim can stop you from moving forward. Victimhood can stop you from taking action and responsibility for your life. You may continually feel powerless. No one chooses to be victimized. But how you respond afterward is crucial.

If you are living in this mode you may feel that you:

Have a right to complain about your situation.

Feel that you need attention or that others should feel sorry for you.

You find it difficult to find happiness in life.

No one should criticize you or upset you because of what you experienced. You may avoid taking a leap of faith into a new job or relationship.

You can live your life on a repeat of the incident or the circumstances that brought you to this point of victimhood.

You overthink situations or over-complicate situations so they become drama.

People may feel guilty for not helping you.

When meeting people you may overshare your own story.

You keep yourself so busy that you don't have time to deal with your past in order to heal.

People close to you may unknowingly be creating a situation of co-dependency. The victim may lash out at anyone trying to help the victim and the victim defends their behavior.

Much of this is unintentional.

Victimhood can also be handed down from generation to generation. Perhaps you saw this behavior from a family member or you had a codependent relationship with someone. Victim mode could have been a way to survive for you.

So what can you do?

The first step is to recognize that this can be an issue.

Stop blaming others and accept responsibility to create your own happiness.

Start taking note of negative thoughts or behaviors throughout your day. This includes where you feel jealous about others, complain or judge others.

Journal your actions and thoughts as you begin to recognize negative patterns.

Use gratitude to remind yourself of the blessings you do have in your life.

Start to create positive routines and habits.

Find forgiveness for yourself and others. Let go of the past. You can't change it! Learn the lesson even if it was heartbreaking and take baby steps to heal from that wound.

Let go of the anger you have towards yourself or others.

Where are you dependent on others? Can you pay it forward or start taking steps to lessen that dependency. That may look like looking for a job, learning to budget, finding counseling, or learning how to drive.

Try affirmations and mirror work- make this a habit you can do as you are getting ready for your day. Building your confidence to believe in yourself is beneficial towards healing!

Remember you are the Captain of the ship of your life. You have the power to steer clear of obstacles or to get to your destination.

If you fall back into victim mode, recognize it, get back up, and dust yourself off.

Remember tomorrow is another day.

BIG HUGS,

Mel

Financial abuse- Abuser asserts control over your finances

 

Financial abuse is one of the abuses I didn't realize was so harmful! I had no idea that was a "thing" when I was with my abuser. The control he had over our finances and shifting the blame to me when money was low was eye-opening! 

Honestly, I hated when we balanced the checkbook! It could possibly take hours to do because I was off by as little as a penny. Or perhaps I didn't have the right answer to a receipt purchase. (It was usually followed by intense scrutiny and accusations that I was cheating.) Here are forms of financial abuse and below is the video for this post. You can find more videos on my FB page (Click here) Hope when there was none

Ruin Credit- not paying bills or opening accts without approval fraudulently

Overdrawing bank accounts

Files for bankruptcy without your knowledge

Giving an allowance and every cent is tracked

You have to turn over any money you have

Bumming money off you- slowly gives you a sob story

Refuse to work or stop working

Refuse/Inconsistent to pay support/alimony or lies about income so they pay lower support

Deny they are the biological parent

Don't supply health insurance if ordered or promised to do so

Stop paying housing so you are evicted

Stop paying on utilities so they are turned off

Steal your welfare checks/card

Someone is taking interest in your finances- say they have an investment opportunity

Steal money from you or family

Never seem to have money of their own

They misuse funds- frivolously, you are always behind in bills

They destroy property you own or that you own together

Taking a life insurance policy for you

Force you to have access to your finances, Will, business, or Power of Attorney

You are not allowed to have a loan, bank account, car, house or job or make it impossible to access

Demand their name is on your account

Keep a paper trail of these things- have a private ledger

Try to get you fired from your job, may harass you at your job, make you late or miss work

If you are going back to school they may also harass you, make you late, miss school

Smear campaign at your workplace or school

Limit your hours that you work

Not help with childcare

Demand access to your accounts/passwords

Doesn't consult you in private or business decisions

Forces you to go into a career or start a business you are not interested in

Forces you to make fraudulent medical/tax claims or documents for business/personal

Reports “You” for fraud

Refuses to finalize your divorce

May take out a protective order or tie you up in court fraudulently in retaliation

Refuse to give you funds for necessities- food, money, medication, bills, transportation

What can you do? Leave, file a police report, keep a paper trail, contact an attorney to find out if you are liable for fraud. Contact credit reporting companies about possible fraud, ask for an alert to be put on for large purchases. They will decline any big-ticket items and you will need to call and verify that you are purchasing.

Change your password/pins- To something affirming- I am loved, I am a survivor, No more

Squirrel money away!

Open a bank account

Make copies of important papers, loans, bills, check stubs, documentation of payments under the table

Contact your employer about what is going on- Your focus may be off and it may be noticed

This is a lot to process! But, learning how you can begin to protect yourself is so empowering! You are not alone! If you need to talk with someone or resources I am happy to help. I'm not an attorney or counselor but I am someone that understands. I've been where you are! 

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Here is a link to the Financial Abuse video

What Does Cyber Abuse Look Like?

 There are steps you can take to prevent and educate yourself on how to keep yourself safe. Any type of abuse is not necessarily between yourself and your intimate partner. Abuse can happen between family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers. So, what does Cyber Abuse look like? It can take many forms and you may have experienced one or more of these.

You may have someone sending threats or hurtful messages on email, text messages, on websites and social media.

Posting secrets, recordings, private/personal videos, and pictures.

Hacking into the victims account to find out personal information whereabouts, financial info.

Steal identity.

Create a fake ad of the victim.

Sexting.

Starting rumors.

Stalking you online or having others spy on you.

You may have the feeling that you are being watched! Planting spyware on your computer, tracking your whereabouts via GPS, installing cameras in your home or elsewhere to spy on you.

Tracking your email/internet use.

Constantly emailing, messaging, or texting you to intimidate or frighten you.

Harass you on social media, dating sites, chat, and gaming sites.

Harassing you by calling or emailing your workplace to cause trouble or get you fired. 

What can you do? There are laws to protect you. First, start by contacting your local law enforcement. Make sure to keep screenshots, any type of paper trail with any emails/text messages, voicemails, and so on. If you keep receiving these keep alerting the police. 

You may need to share issues with your workplace about your situation. 

If you can afford it consider investing in new electronics- Laptop, computer, or phone. Have your vehicle and home swept for tracking or surveillance equipment.  

If those seem a bit out of your price range right now, consider checking out how to find these things yourself. 

Like the other forms of abuse an abuser wants the victim to feel powerless and that they have control.

Don't lose hope! 

Stay Safe!

Mel

Tips on sharing your trauma story

If you are thinking of sharing your story publically, let me tell you that I'm proud of you! It's brave to step out of your comfort zone by sharing. This is a time of allowing your vulnerability to come out for one or more persons to hear and that's AWESOME! So how can you get started?

I started by blogging. I shared posts on social media on my page and soon after I received messages from friends that were supportive and much to my surprise a handful admitted they were or had been in an abusive relationship. There were also those that shared someone close to them who was going through a tough time and would I talk with them?

I admit to being a wee bit nervous about talking with others. It's one thing to give advice in the beginning. I argued with God, "How can I talk to others when I'm falling apart?!" I didn't feel like I had it all together or all the answers to help someone else. I considered waiting to talk with people until I was healed or maybe even licensed as something. I didn't feel qualified there is a saying that God doesn't call the qualified He qualifies the called. I needed to get over myself and my ego to realize that this was BIGGER than me.

After I published my story I started to do the leg work of marketing myself, reaching out to local libraries, coffee shops, podcasts, and newspapers to share my story. I was blessed to have several organizations and personalities to reach out to me. I encourage you to decide how big you want to go when you share.

*Do you wish to tell a few trusted friends or get on TV or radio?

*What places that are local can you share?

*Are there organizations that you can speak to?

*What podcasts or blogs do you like to ask if you can be interviewed as a guest?

*Look for FB groups that specialize in your area and ask the page owner/admin if you can share by a post, video, or interview.

*Or maybe you wish to share with loved ones close to you that had no idea about your secret, or what you experienced. Don't be surprised if those close to you don't support or believe you. This happens! Prepare yourself for questions or even a backlash. Some people aren't ready to hear the truth.

*If you are sharing as an interview or speaker ask how much time do you have to speak?

*If this is as a podcast or "Live" video interview ask what platform are they using and will there be a dry run prior to the meeting so you can make sure there are no technical difficulties or maybe they are using something that you don't have downloaded and you don't want to keep a host waiting while you do so!

*Will there be questions or a script the host will ask you if so can you know what they will be asking in advance? This can help you prepare and give you an idea of how deep they wish to go. You may not feel comfortable in the direction the interview is heading.

*Give yourself a break! Do something for you to relax afterward no matter how you choose to share. This can bring out a range of emotions that you thought you had healed or it may trigger a panic attack. Go for a walk, meditate, talk to a friend, ground yourself, watch or read something funny, cry/scream/yell if you need to.

Remember this, be gentle with yourself. Schedule your storytelling a week or two apart sharing can be taxing on you. Afterward, you could feel on top of the world or like you have been hit by a truck. No matter how you choose to share this is a beautiful gift you are giving someone and yourself.

If you have any questions about this or anything else don't hesitate to message me privately. 

Stay safe!
Mel