Why you should leave a paper trail

Hey there Love Bug! 

Are you curious why you should leave a paper trail? 

Here is some background on one quote I found recently. I have been picking brains of those that are on the public speaking circuit and professional speaker, (God bless her patience!) Emily was wonderful to share tips and The Speaker Lab podcast! This helped her get started with her business. Since I am so green and have knocking knee about being in front of a crowd I thought this was the best information and podcast I have found! 

Now here is the reason I bring this up. Grant the Public Speaker Ninja, was talking about contracts and he once heard that "A paper trail is a "safe trail". I liked that! 

Which brings me to the subject post! So what is kind of paper am I talking about and why is it so dang important?

When I first left my abuser I hadn't thought much of taking paperwork. It wasn't until that first experience did I realize the importance. 

What types of paper I am referring to is:

Previous years income tax filings

Pay stubs (If your partner is receiving funds under the table and there is some sort of documentation that is SUPER important.)

Medical cards/files/prescriptions

Marriage/Birth Certificates

Mortgage/Rent contract

Business contracts/info (If you own this on your own or with your abuser.)

Auto Registration

Auto insurance information

401k or other investment information

Credit card bills/other misc. bills

Student Loans

Children's school information

Photos- Of the abuse or just cherished photos

If you have all of this and any other relevant papers make copies. Concerned this will be noticed? 

Consider copying one at a time. Mail the copies to a trusted friend or relative. You may want to get a PO Box. A small box is pretty reasonable. I have found one as cheap as $40 for a year. These do vary! So check around your local area. 

Most of everything on this list will be asked for by the court or your attorney. 

Now for the unpleasant stuff. 

I am going to be upfront and honest with you. The first 24 to 48 hours after leaving an abuser can be the most volatile. Make sure you keep your phone off or block your abuser's number. It can be tempting to answer his/her calls or text messages. I beg you to please not do so! 

If by chance you forget to do those steps then please keep track of the messages (text and voicemails). Perhaps, this person figures out where you are staying and comes by. Call the police! That is first and foremost! For your safety and if you have children. 

File a police report. This may start to feel tedious and as though your abuser is just getting away with everything. It can be quite frustrating! Trust me, even if that order has been violated a bunch of times it's not in vain! If your state or city is pretty lax these incidents can build up a case against them. 

If you are worried they are running around talking about you. Saying your a terrible person/caretaker, or you are a drug user or that you have a stash. Let that person talk! That's all they can do right now and they are super frustrated. The police and legal authorities can see right through these instances. Trust me! 

Keep a journal of all of the contact with dates, times, and where these things occur. 

These can be used in the future as well. The trick in all of this is to remain calm. This can be hard when you are experiencing someone that is stalking you, showing up at your place, or threatening you or your children. Take reasonable safety measures to keep yourself safe. Here are some tips from a previous blog post- Keep yourself safe after you leave. 

You may end up with a HUGE file box with paperwork. That's fine! I had 2 legal paper boxes and 2 red rope files with information about everything going on. It seems ridiculous but this did a few things for me. 

It gave me something else to do besides cry and feeling hopeless. It empowered me to say, NEVER AGAIN! 

I encourage you to journal as well during this time. This can help you with noting the events right after they happen so they are fresh and can be shared with your attorney, GAL, Doctor, or advocate involved. 

I hope this helps you on your journey. I also hope this doesn't dissuade you from leaving. Leaving is the best thing I ever did for myself and the hardest thing I have ever done. I've mentioned it in the past. I hate to sound like a broken record. 

Do you need help right now? Please contact the police! They are happy to help before a situation takes a dire turn. If you don't feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the non-emergency number of the police station (Many times they can give you resources that can help) or contact your local shelter. There is also- The Hotline or NCADV. 

Whichever you choose please know you are not alone. Many women and men are there to help you through your situation. If you aren't ready for that and need to talk confide in a close relative or friend and of course, please don't hesitate to send me a private message here, or blessmeplz@gmail.com or on my FB page- Hope when there was none. 

I am sharing awareness by setting up book signings, events, and speaking engagements. Here is where you can catch me next! Find my books here-Amazon

Would you do me a favor and recommend me to your church, school, or group? My mission is to inform, educate and empower by sharing my story. 

I hope you are safe and know that you are loved by me but by many others around you.

BIG HUGS,
Mel

Do you still have hopes and dreams?

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." - Henry David Thoreau

Yep! That's me! 

In this picture, life was taking a turn. I was topsy-turvy as my parents were going through a divorce. I felt as though my world was crazy. Unsure what I wanted to do. Somewhere along that time there was a plan to run away to California with my friends Betty, Evie, and Michelle but I chickened out! (Later, I found out they did as well. 😁)At that moment each of our lives were on a roller coaster. 

I thought when I was 18 I could live my dreams. To go backpacking in Europe, to become a Librarian, Actress/Singer, Teacher, Writer, and a Parapsychologist.  

Above all, I didn't want to be hurt again. You see my then Step-father, whom for the sake of legal issues I will call Frank had a way of being abusive to my Mom and later towards me. 

I promised never to be in that situation ever! 

Funny, looking back on that now. How my life unfolded to spiral into a cycle back to that low place where I was when I was a child. My dreams lay scattered like fallen leaves on the ground. 

Early into the relationship with my now ex-husband, Will I had to let those dreams go. He amongst many other things he thought they were stupid. They wouldn't make money to pay bills. I needed to be realistic and to grow up.

I went to bed in January 2008 with Will. And at that moment a zillion thoughts were going through my head. 

Prior to this, we had just gotten into a fight about something that had little meaning or relevance. It was just a way to assert his control over me. 

I had gotten to the point where I was becoming bolder to stand up for myself. For what felt like the hundredth time I had told him hours before that I didn't love him anymore and to let me go. 

Now in bed my thoughts race to:

Is he going to start something with me or threaten me or worse? 

Will this be the night that my kids don't have a Mom anymore? What will happen to them?

And...

How did it come to this? How did I allow this to happen? Why didn't I stop him the first time he raised his voice or his hand?

He continued to pepper me with questions. I rolled over and clutched my pillow with one hand and felt for my knife that I had hidden between the mattresses just in case. I was waiting for a punch or blow. Instead, Will jumped out of bed and began hitting his head against the wall about ten times. Finally, he punched the screen out of the window and grabbed the blankets off the bed after I hadn't responded to his actions or when he was calling my name. 

Inwardly, I knew I couldn't do pretend anymore. This wasn't a life. To live as if we were walking on eggshells?! 

I look back on that moment and I can see it, feel it and breath it as though it were just yesterday. I've had so many other memories come to the surface recently. I'm guessing due to discussing my story. I share many of these moments in time with Mr. Awesome. He is my sounding board and best friend. 

Things have been especially worrisome as I have been reminded of how much hurt this caused my grown children after one of my girls advised she was feeling suicidal a few weeks back. 

None of this was ever about me. Leaving that past relationship was more for my children than myself. I wanted them to know that there is normalcy out in the world. 

It's after 1:00 A.M. now. In four days we will celebrate one of two wedding anniversaries for Mr. Awesome and me. Two? It's a long story, email me privately if you would like to know. 😊

What relevance is any of this? 

Why dreams my Friend! You see there was a time I couldn't say my dreams out loud so I went inward. After sharing the first time I didn't want to make that mistake again. Now, I have a life that is far more wonderful than I could EVER have imagined. 

Don't get me wrong there are still things that go askew. You know, normal stuff, like noticing someone took the last sheet of toilet paper but left the empty tube on the holder AFTER you are done with your business. Or the roof is leaking, car issues, or running late for church. 

You get the picture! NORMAL stuff! The following aren't brags. They are just so dang unbelievable to me that I need to share so you too can believe there are happy endings.

Here I am remarried. 

Had my last child at 40!

Live in my dream house. 

I have no bedtime. 

I can read whenever I want. 

I can come and go as I please. 

I can eat at 2:00 A.M. if I want to. (FYI, I did have a donut a few minutes ago.)

I have become a Healer.

A published Author.

Beginning Transformational Speaker.

I am a Vision Board Coach.

Homesteader.

Daydreamer.

And most importantly... I am alive! That revelation has the greatest impact. I rolled over in bed and poked at Mr. Awesome before coming down to munch on my donut and told him how unreal this life is. How blessed I feel. 

I rambled on that my pressing issues are to worry about keeping the chickens and ducks penned in so the predators don't keep picking them off. But, this my Friend is now my "normal stuff"!

There is no more worrying about the next few minutes, hour, or days for fear of getting hurt physically or otherwise. I can dream about life and feel confident about my tomorrow. No matter if it's the unglamorous job of mucking out the coop, pulling weeds, talking about plans for an Airbnb, or how I'm coming on my next book. This life feels as though it is just starting for me!

So, wherever you are on your path, please don't give up hope. Call a shelter, local law enforcement or reach out to a national group in your area for help. If you don't know who to contact please drop me a line. I am happy to locate a group or organization for you. There is a life out there waiting. Now, if you and your partner can do counseling that is excellent! If the relationship is worth saving by all means go for it!

Don't wait to leave as long as I did- over 20 years! Especially if you have children. I'm not saying it isn't going to be hard. The moment you take that leap of faith you are faced with a danger from your partner. There may be threats, stalking/cyberstalking, dozens of phone/text messages, and more. Please don't let this scare you. I want to be honest. I don't want to paint a pretty picture of rainbows and flowers. Reality is that leaving was the hardest and the best thing I ever did. 

Remember those dreams I mentioned? Well, I may not do "those" but I have many others and I can now as Thoreau said, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."  

Feel free to contact me to talk or if you would like a virtual hug. 😍 I'm praying for you. 

Much love to you! Stay safe!

BIG HUGS,

Mel

P.S.- If you are in the NW Indiana, Michigan or Illinois area I will have a few book signing appearances in September and October. I hope you can make it! Gypsy Soul Retreats has a few spots left, find ticket info here- Gypsy Soul Retreats and check out the Gypsy Soul Retreats Facebook page

Have I told you lately that I love you?

Hey Love Bug!

Have you wondered why I say, "Have I told you lately that I love you?" or thought to yourself, "Woman, you don't know me or my story! I'm a stranger and we have never met!"

Your right. I don't know you. I don't know your story. I don't know what has brought you to this page, but I can tell you that you probably haven't heard "I love you" by someone that means it. Now if you have kids or a loving partner or family member that's different. But, for so many people those wee words are nonexistent. Perhaps you just start sharing smiles or greetings throughout your day. 

Okay here is the "Woo-woo" part. I have been on a journey for much of my life and feel that sharing those words with everyone that I have met, have yet to meet, and beyond is special. Sending that positive energy throughout my tribe, my social media, and to the world is a wonderful thing to do!

You see the funny thing is you don't know who you are going to effect throughout your day. That smile, that hug, that "Good day!" or "I love you" can give such a warm feeling to someone. I know, it's happened to me! It's taken what could have been a crappy day and turned it around.

I feel so good doing it. Oh, it's not for kudos when I get to those pearly gates. I'm doing it because I enjoy seeing smiles from others.

You may be saying, "Good golly! What does this have to do with abuse?!"

It doesn't.

It makes you feel good. It's also a positive step that may take you out of your comfort zone. You may meet people this way that you may not have. It's not just a pay it forward thing. Showing compassion, love, or just a hug with someone that you know or don't goes a LONG way!

Speaking of "I love you" have you done your mirror work lately? Have you been able to say those three little words?

Now onto the news! I have so much to share! I have been doing book signings in my local area and have been overwhelmed (grateful, humbled, and honored) by the support, love, and opportunities that have opened up!

"Such as", you say?
I round up my final book signings tomorrow at Somethin's Brewin' Coffee Shop & Cafe at ReChic Unique Boutique in Demotte from 1:00 P.M. to 3:00 P.M.

I was interviewed for the Lowell Tribune! I have to ask when that will be out but I'm pretty excited!

I will be speaking to a lovely group of Gals from a bible study group I attend from time to time called Mon Ami- The Bridge Church- 615 West Clark St., Rensselaer, Indiana 47978, on July 9th.

Catch me on "The Bill and Kali Show" on July 11th, WVPL FM 103.1 out of Valpo at 11:00 P.M. I believe that will also be on Facebook.

There are two possible speaking engagements with local organizations.

I'll be taking part in a new podcast with a new Friend in the upcoming months.

July 30th I have a book signing at the super friendly Brook Library from 5:30 P.M. to 6:30 P.M.

I'll be showing others how to create vision boards with the super talented Gypsy Soul Retreat Ladies in September!

You can find me speaking to a MOPS meeting- TBA

GOOD GRAVY! I'm not complaining! These things have been on my affirmations, bucket list, (Speaking of which I really need to update the one I have on my blog!) and vision board.

Now, these aren't bragging. I am not one to boast or brag. I'm blown away!

What's more beautiful to me is the Survivors and victims that I have been able to talk to during my signings or those that have reached out after hearing about me from friends or family. That is what all of this is about!

To reach out to someone that is trapped or just getting out of a broken relationship. Letting them know they are not to blame for what happened. Reassuring them they made the right decision or are making the right decision about leaving.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I can't "make" a person leave an abusive partner. I can tell them what steps they should take and how to stay safe. It's frustrating to be on the outside of this broken person that can't leave for a variety of reason or perhaps can't stay away.

I can listen.

Be a shoulder.

Or just remind them they are loved.

I hope whatever journey you are on that you are safe. If you are not please reach out to local authorities, www.thehotline.org, or shelter. Even if it's just for advice. I am happy to listen if you need to talk. Feel free to message me at blessmeplz@gmail.com or my Facebook group Hope when there was none.

I love you Dear One! I really do! I'm sending out prayers,warm fuzzies, and good vibes to you. Be brave, step out of your comfort zone and send a greeting to someone or remind your loved ones that you love them. Time is short not to.

BIG HUGS,
Mel

P.S.- There is more news! On my Lyme journey and an update about our little homestead at Godsbreath Farm. 

Rising from the Ashes has been published!

WAHOO! My second book is out... And my third book that has nothing to do with abuse. It's been awhile since I've blogged on any of my pages. It's not that things haven't been going on. Life has been busy. I've had some Lyme flare's that have knocked the wind out of my sails. I have several book signing coming up and I'm really excited! 

Find them here- Amazon I have shared my upcoming schedule of book signings on my FB page- Hope when there was none

Peanut (Alex) has graduated! The issue of her anxieties have been a sticky spot for her. She was so upset and panicky over the past few months. She is unsure what she wants to do with her life. She didn't apply to any colleges or for scholarships. And the thought of getting a job sends her into a tizzy. After the McDonald's fiasco last Summer I don't believe a job is an option right now.




China Doll (Jess) is doing wonderful! She is on new antidepressants and found out what medications she is allergic to. Going forward the experiences she will have medically should be a lot better. Changing her diet has helped as well. She has gone Vegan on her own. I'm proud of her! The baby is growing by leaps and bounds.


I feel very blessed. I'm in awe of this life I live. God has given me so much. It's more then I possibly imagined. Curious about what's happening at CasaMel's?  Check us out here-www.lordblessmeplz.blogspot.com

If you are in a relationship that gives you second thoughts. Please take a moment to think if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. Will you live past this year? Can he/she change or are they willing to change? Leaving is scary. The path ahead can be rough. You may wonder if it's just easier to stay. 

Please don't give up. Giving up or giving in is easy. Having faith that everything is going to be alright is hard. It's not something you can readily see. If you have had tragedy in the past, it may have tarnished your relationship with the Lord. I am happy to chat with you about this or just listen to what's on your mind. Don't hesitate to message me privately.


I hope your weekend finds you safe and well.
Love you and BIG HUGS,
Mel 

Keep yourself safe after you leave an abusive situation

If you are reading this and you have already left your abuser I want to tell you... YAY! I'm proud of you! Now for the dirt.

The first 72 hours of leaving your abuser can be one of the most dangerous time.I am not sharing this to scare you or change your mind in leaving. I am sharing so you aren't caught off guard. 

Abusers will stop at nothing to get their victim back. A little smooth talking, a few tears, perhaps some threats to harm themselves or you. 

How do you keep yourself safe not only after 72 hours but going forward?

1) Get yourself an Protective Order! You may say, Melinda, I've done this and have a stack of them. He/She keeps getting a slap on the wrists, it's not working! Trust me, I know how frustrating this is! 

Anytime this person sends you a threat or upsetting message contact the police. Depending on the level of intensity they will let you know if a Protective Order is an idea. 

If it seems like nothing is happening and your ex is still harassing you or breaking into your home. Call the police! Leave a papertrail! This will serve you down the road legally. Any text, voicemail, email, note or letter that is threatening or just leaves you on edge call the police. If these come through and you have an active order this can send your abuser in violation. They may still get off but not doing anything is allowing your abuser to keep bothering you.

2) Don't let anyone talk you back into taking your abuser back! Not family or friends or even your abuser. You may have to sever ties with those close to your abuser or those that he/she may have woo'd by their charm. Ignore calls, messages and texts from your abuser. DON'T ANSWER OR ENGAGE! This is not your opportunity to give a few jabs in. Doing so could legally turn around and bite you in the butt for egging your abuser on. 

Have a friend or family member check your emails, text messages and voicemails. If there is anything that is alarming or they consider an emergency call the police or carefully evaluate the situation before returning correspondence.

3) You may find mysterious find yourself having "new" friends requests on social media or things you shared your ex may suddenly know about. Go through your list carefully to rule out who may be sharing info. Or to the extreme "feed" info (false info) to someone you may feel suspicious about. Let time go between giving info before you move onto others that raised flags.

4) Get a new phone or change your number. Before you put the brakes on this one, you do not need a flashy phone to get you through this right now. Unless you can afford it of course. There are several cheap phones that aren't too bad. 

I use Tracfone. I'm not advocating for this phone, just saying it is a good phone if you just want to make calls. Texting and data can cost a bit more, but I can swing this at this time for $20.00 every 2 months. It may cost a bit more when I am having emergencies or when I was having legal issues.  

If you can't afford a new phone or perhaps your abuser is paying the bill, be forewarned they can check the bill to see who you are texting and calling. They may also be able to enable the GPS on your phone.You may also get a phone from a Shelter! 

Invest in a phonebook. Unless you have all of your important numbers memorized. I'm a 70's child and had to remember phone numbers. This was pre-cell phones! Now, we live in a age where we just hit the phonebook on our cell, but what if you have to leave that? You can pick up a phonebook rather cheaply or make a list on Word or Excel. 

Consider using collect calls to make calls to your abuser or anyone connected to this person. Or use a phone card. 

Example: A BIG problem for me early in my leaving my ex was that I let my guard down. I didn't think and called my then Mom-in-law on her house phone using a cell phone that my ex did not know I had. He went over later that day for dinner, checked her cordless phone and scrolled down her caller id list. Guess whose number he found!?

So the things I speak of are from experience!

If you can find a payphone, use that. Sadly, these are getting harder and harder to find. But, keep change handy.

5) Speaking of GPS... Tracking devices can be very small. They could be attached to your purse, a child's backpack, toys, installed on your laptop or computer or somewhere in your home. Check your phone out. Check your children's things after a visit. Install software on your computer in case spyware was installed. 

A new laptop or computer is your better bet if you have the funds. If too pricey but you feel you need to have a new device, consider purchasing from a pawn shop, check upscale thrift stores, Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace or local groups. Of course, make sure if you go through social media to be safe and purchase in a public area. Consider doing so in front of a police station. 

Change your passwords, pin numbers, and change them often if needed on social media, banking, bills, and wherever you need to do so.

6) If you are securing your electronics, think about your home. Make sure your doors and windows are locked. Put dowel rods in a top corner of the windows vertically. There are window and door sensors that you can get from a hardware store that are easy to install. Consider getting security lighting and alarms, these can be bought relatively inexpensively. Change your locks on all your doors! 

Make sure if you keep a spare key that it's not in plain sight. Find a trusted neighbor and alert them to the situation and to call the police if they see something suspicious. You may ask them to also keep a key for you. This may be embarrassing to you or you may feel you don't want to bother anyone or put them in danger. Ask! 

Remember if you have a child, they may not understand leaving dear old Dad or Mom outside if they are knocking. Sit them down and talk to them about how important it is that you all stay safe and not to answer the door for anyone at all unless you give permission or allowed to answer the door if they are alone. 

Of course you don't want to put fear in them. Gently remind them that right now you and your partner are not getting along and to keep you all safe you need them to be brave and help you all stay safe. If they don't know about stranger danger, now is an important time to do so!

7) Speaking of the door! Instead of changing the locks if it is a wood door think about replacing it with a wood door. 

Consider keeping a bat, Pepper spray or even bug spray handy. If you have a permit to carry a weapon keep it handy. Make sure it is safe from your child. Gun's not your style or you are worried about the kids, consider having a knife near the door.  USE THE PEEPHOLE on your door and if you don't have one install one. 

8) Alert your child's school or daycare about your situation. Let them know that "YOU" are the only person your child goes home with, unless otherwise. Or change schools or caregivers if necessary.

9) See if a friend can stay with you or stay with a friend or better yet, go to a shelter! If none of these work for you. Be sure to keep a trusted friend or family member in the loop for where you are going. No your not a child, but you need to stay safe. Texting or sending a quick shout out to your tribe can help put their mind at ease. 

Change your routine! If your routine is to drive for coffee before work, consider going to a different coffee shop or going later. Drive home a different way. If you are using public transportation, take it at a different time. Shop at different stores in different areas. 

Example: In the early stages of our separation my abuser found out where I worked. He paid someone to follow me. This person soon knew my routine and then found out where I worked! He knew what time I started and when I got off. Lesson learned! 

10) Let your work associates know what is going on! You may not want to air your dirty laundry, but keeping your job secure is high priority for you Dear One. 

You may have upcoming legal proceedings, doctors appointments and so on. Keeping your boss included what is going on personally can also help them be more understanding if you are "not all there or focused".  Maybe ask to keep your name off of directories, desk, or office doors. If your place of work has security ask for someone to escort you to your car. No security? Ask a co-worker if they feel comfortable to do so.

11) Give your loved ones a "Code word" to use for phone calls or in case of emergency. Teach your child 911 in the States or the emergency number for your area. 

12) Make sure if you have to see your abuser for any reason that you do so in a PUBLIC setting. You can call your local law enforcement and let them know about your situation (Give them the CliffsNote version). Ask if they can send an officer to sit and wait for the visit or drop off for the kids to be done before leaving.

Now before you think that you don't want to "bother" the police I'll tell you a secret... They would much rather prevent an incident then to walk into an incident in progress or clean up the aftermath. 

Trust me! I've done this and the officers stayed a healthy but easy to get to me distance and waited around until I left. I even had one officer follow me almost all the way home for good measure. 

13) If you can swing it MOVE! Check how far legally you can move away from your abuser. That is if you have children together. Moving too far away could stir the pot and cause more legal issues. Try not to move to the middle of nowhere or a spot that is too surrounded by trees.

If you do move, consider getting a P.O. Box to use as an address for correspondence with your abuser and his/her attorney. Be forewarned the court or police may use your real address. ASK if they have to do it this way or if they do can they hide your address due to safety concerns.

Consider renting a home with utilities included. Or check your state for address confidentiality programs. They may also be able to give you a new social security number too! If you do find a rental apartment make sure you are on an upper floor. 

14) Going back to social media. Do not post where you are going. If you wish to share please do so AFTER you have went. Check your settings and make sure you are posting to your friends only! 

15) Remember I mentioned having a weapon? Consider taking a class in firearm safety or self defense. My family and I took a class through Protective Tactics 101 in Chesterton, IN visit them here- Protective Tactics 101 I highly recommend the class. It is an all day class so be prepared to stay for 8 hours or so. It was worth it! We were also blessed that someone gifted us the class. We hope to do another class in the future.

Taking the class and learning about handling a gun has helped me feel empowered and reassured me that if I need to protect myself and family I can without hesitation!

16) Stay situationally aware at all times. Assume you are going to be a target. Before you enter a public setting, parking lot or going out to your car make sure you are looking around your surroundings at all times. Don't check your phone for the latest text, online game, or social media update. That is not important. Save these for home. Keeping yourself safe is important right now!

17) If you read my other Safety posts, remember I talked about a "Go-bag"? Basically, it is a bag with a 3 day emergency set of clothes, toiletries, keys, and a bit of cash in.  I would throw in a cell phone that may not be active to use just for 911. Remember to throw in a phone charger!

18) Perhaps your abuser is threatening to kill themselves. Take that information to the police to do a wellness check or call his/her family. DO NOT ENGAGE!

Both times before I left my ex, I told his parents and even his boss knew! I let them know in case he did something rash. 

There will be threats of self harm, harming your, your children, or furbabies. Don't be surprised if people you know and love suddenly turn on you. Your abuser maybe turning on the charm and making your out to be the bad guy. Learn to let these things go as upsetting as they will be. Now these things may seem like over the top but these "tools" can help keep you safe. 

How long do you have to do these things? I hate to be a wet blanket, but I've celebrated my 9 year Independence day and I still implement many of these tools. I may have to do it for many years to come but now, they are so ingrained in my routine that I don't even think about them anymore.  

If at all you have any questions contact www.thehotline.org or your local police department. Don't hide. Enjoy life. Moving on is best for you and everyone involved. 

I am always happy to talk to you! I've walked down this road and have been there and survived.This is not an easy road, but I will tell you it will be worth it in the long run! 

Stay safe Dear One.

God bless!

BIG HUGS,
Mel

P.S.- The picture of me is for giving you a giggle on this otherwise strong and tough subject. Sometimes if I didn't find something to laugh about that I would cry. I hope this give you a giggle!

*Check out Amazon, Kindle and Nook for "Call me Master"  by Melinda Kunst, my escape from abuse. You will find not only my story, but tips and tools to help you on your journey. 

Coming soon, book two,"Rising from the ashes". I share what was going on behind the scenes when we aren't dealing with the legal system. Issues of suicide, Parental Alienation, rebuilding my self esteem, kicking PTSD to the curb (at least by 95%) and learning about healing chronic illness of Lyme disease and the long list of other illnesses that follow. *

Advice from Survivors of Abuse

I can not believe it has been 9 years as of tomorrow since I left my abuser. There are times it feels as though it was just yesterday. It may seem to others that I am just living in the past by sharing some sad events in our life. Now I can look at these memories without tears, nightmares and anxiety.

I don't feel that I'm in bondage over my past. It is what it is. I've made peace. I'm not the same person I was when I first started on this journey. 

Sharing has not only saved me from a dark place and time, but showing my vulnerability has helped others know they aren't alone. That wasn't my initial thought when doing this. Perhaps it was a bit of revenge.

I've mentioned this before, there are times when I just thought to stop blogging, sharing, and to let it go of the past.

After leaving I didn't always do the right thing. I put myself in dangerous situations several times. I didn't always say the right thing. Thoughts that my life was so messed up how the heck can I support or share with others? And I'm still trying to heal myself, how can I give advice?

Then, 'SNAP!' like a rubber band, I am brought back to earth by someone who is close to me. They know my story and find themselves in a situation of love where someone they know is a victim. 

I can feel the Lord is looking down wagging his finger, and saying, "See here,Woman! This is part of my plan, quit your belly aching and reach out to others."

After pouting a bit thinking a bit about this I push these things aside and help out.

I share a bit about me. I don't go into deep details, but let the other person know they aren't alone. I include this blog as well so they can come and see I'm not some creepy person. I do provide my phone number if they wish to chat instead. 

I was there once. 

I get it. 

It can be frustrating now that I'm on the other side to try to help and I feel helpless. 9 years later gives me a HUGE prospective that I didn't have. 

Surrendering and allowing some vulnerability to show does not mean you are weak. Doing so can be scary. You may have built a wall around your heart and have a hard time with trust.  Lowering that wall doesn't mean you can't do anything alone. This gives you a chance to ask for help and for others to serve you by your sharing. 

I've asked several Survivors what advice would they share with a victim trapped in an abusive situation.

These answers are courageous, raw, loving and speak the truth. I hope they both speak to you and help you on your journey.

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Dana advises; "I really like to leave the abuse behind me. I don't want to keep it in the forefront of my life, because I can't truly be free, if I keep dragging around that kind of baggage. I guess that's what my advice would be... let it go. Look out the windshield, not the rear view mirror."

Vanessa shared that she was a young woman of 17. Her abuser broke her ribs, bit her and more. He was sentenced to 7 years in prison.

She states,"I know how amazing it feels to know that we survived it and can encourage and help others to walk away when they don’t see the need to."

This recently hit home as a woman she knows was recently killed due to domestic violence.
"For those still trapped in abuse it’s a hard place to be every different phase of the abuse is different also. If I had gotten out early enough I could’ve walked away and stayed away. Physical abuse was just with mental abuse and then it turned into him not letting me leave his side even to go to the bathroom and having three locks on the door."

Vanessa's advice; "For someone that is in abuse in the beginning stages I always encourage to listen to their friends and when their friends say he’s a control freak or mention how they have changed since meeting him. For those in the middle I encourage to ask for your friends to find a domestic violence shelter so that you that can get counseling and not feel like you’re alone. Abusers main mental abuse is making you feel unwanted and that you’re nothing without them. In the last phase when it is the worst and you’re mentally and physically not able to leave I would advise doing your best to get out because it only gets worse. Even if the threat is like my friend and you end up dying if you don’t get out you’re going to die anyways."

She further adds, "At the end of the day I know that every time I the see signs that someone is in an abusive relationship, I am the first to make sure I start a conversation with them. Another survivor turned into my best friend after I had strong feelings that she was in an abusive relationship. I told her my story and read some of the police report so that she knew that I could relate. She ended that relationship and we have been best friends ever since."

I mentioned to her that it seems like abusers read out of the same playbook, she replied; "I agree they’re already been the same playbook the same exact Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3. It never gets better it always gets worse. It always starts with finding a woman that is having a hard time in their life and giving them comfort. You might also notice that the woman they choose are always sad from a recently ended a relationship with somebody else for someone that has just gone through something extremely emotional and are just not thinking straight when their abuser walks up to them and tries to be the Prince Charming."

Vanessa ends with a reminder, "You are not alone. These men are evil. No matter how many times they say they’re sorry, they will continually do it until you run away. I felt like I was alone without him because that is what he put in my head but all the women out there we are in this together around every corner is someone that’s been abused let others help you live the life that God wanted for you."

"Hello, I'm Brianna and I left my abuser on September 10th 2014. I didn't choose to leave before that because he kept on telling me that I couldn't survive without him. He was the one that made the money. Well it was all lies! Abusers will feed your head with a bunch of lies to tear you down but know that you are strong and you are stronger than words."

She adds; "Words may hurt, but your strength can overcome any words that he could say. Sure, it's hard at first but once you start seeing how much you can do on your own and that every step you make is to prove to him that you can do it and you can be happy again!"

Toni suggests the following:

*If you can and have means to get out of the situation leave the abuser.
*Never stay with the abuser just because you have kids together!
*If the abuser has just started, your heart and mind will tell you enough is enough.
*Get into some sort of counseling even it it's with your Pastor.
*Create and use your support system of family and friends.
*Know you aren't alone. Find a support group with those who have been in your situation.
*Have a plan to execute and leave!
*This is not your fault, don't be blame yourself!
*Never give up faith and hope even on the darkest days.
*When you leave it'll be hard but be strong. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.  Don't go back!
*Look up resources in your area you can utilize for help, "Crisis Center, etc..."

Maggie says, "I think that is important is to practice self love. When you love yourself I think you quickly recognise when someone isn't treating you with love and respect. When you love yourself it's easier to walk away from those who don't treat you right."

Kristy encourages, "It’s easy to stop hearing your own inner voice in the echoes of the fears, the lies, and the what-ifs. Everybody has the ability to listen to their intuition, though, and it is hardly ever wrong. When you are in an abusive relationship it is easy to mute your intuition, but your intuition is a powerful ally as to the awakenings of the truths and the next steps. If it were easy, nobody would be in negative situations. Just as you have to tend to a flower, you have to tend to your own soul – nobody else will do it.  You make the decision to grow or stop growing. I hope you unsilenced your intuition and choose to start blooming. ~Kristy Robinett – www.kristyrobinett.com

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I hope you found words of support, comfort, and reminder that you are not alone.

Stay safe! 

If you need immediate assistance please visit The Hotline or call your local authorities.

Much love and BIG HUGS,

Mel

P.S. - 
Abuse has no prejudice. It affects all races, ages and genders.

Men are also victims of abuse. It is under reported by males trapped in this situation for fear of ridicule and shame.