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I dated a sociopath for 5 years. He was a heroin addict and he employed many family members and these friends of his as negative advocates. He would tell his family I was crazy and infact it was him. he moved to north carolina two years ago and was suppose to return to nj. well i discovered cheating plotting gas lighting and more.i found out that he was a lie. it alk came out after his dad died from cancer this year. but alot of who he is has been revealed. now i see the real him. i tricked him into thinking i was so hurt that he hurt me. now he is gone and i hope i never see him or his family again on Gaslight's- Sociopath mind games

Anonymous

I enjoyed reading your site. Most of all the poem.I had a friend who is a Sociopath. I did not know for over ten years. I found out when it was to late. He destroyed most of my life. I do not wont to write forever about it. But thank you for the poem once again. on Gaslight's- Sociopath mind games

Anonymous

I have been thinking of you and I understand the sad feelings, I know them all to well!! I think you should throw a bash of some sort I think it would be a good thing for you! i hope you have a great day!! on Winding down to Final hearing!

Y.P.

God is keeping you strong. Prayers continue. It sounds like the courts want to start bringing closure to this situation. on Final hearing!

ME

It seems like this was written just for me. Thank you! I don't know if this is the time I will find the courage to get him out of the house or not. I have people in my life who still think this can work. I am afraid that the stronger I get, the more stops he will pull out. He's already starting. I'm going to review and print out the safety plan information you so generously provide. I have a general plan and a few things at other's houses, but I need something more organized and truly safe. Thank you! P.S. You are a very good teacher and for that I am thankful! on No guts! No glory!

The Teacher

Leaving was a really hard decision and I kept thinking of how I wouldnt be able to make it on my own. I was wrong. not going to lie it was difficult but I never thought i'd feel any sort of relief. making a list of things im proud of and things I wanted to do did help me. It took time to heal and im still healing but im glad i got the courage to finally leave the guy. on So you left him now what?

r33na

Oh dear, I so wish that I could do this without leaving him, but he is back to his antics, so I think it's becoming inevitable. I look like a tear-stained Rudolph while I'm still with him. on So you left him now what?

The Teacher

A fairytale life... Well in some respects

The amazing part of being me is that I survived a rough time in my life. From time to time I dared to dream of a life that belonged to anyone else but me. I couldn’t see the trees through the forest.

A normal relationship seemed like an impossible dream. There were times while licking my wounds that I would imagine a new life for us. Or that my ex would actually change as he promised.

 After time went on, I thought that if this is all there is for God to take me and my children. That I didn’t feel as though I could endure anymore. I couldn’t gather up any more courage or strength to fight my abuser. 

Of course the all-important question: “God why me?”

“What did I do to deserve this?” 

“God, why do you let him continue to do this to these kids or me?”

I blamed God for many of the issues I got myself into. It’s a human thing to do. Have you heard of freewill? We all have it.

I trusted God but wavered a lot. It’s normal. I put myself where I was. I chose the path I took. I made the conscious choice to believe my abuser’s lies about harming my family if I didn’t stay with him. I allowed him to guide my path and let God just tag along. 

I didn’t heed to voice and times in my life when I should have jumped out of the situation I was in. There were plenty of chances that I can see now looking back. Those years seem so foreign to me. It’s almost like another life. That is another person with bad memories. Someone else went through a terrible spot in her life. And an occasional Panic attack. Man! Where do those come from? Like a pimple they seem to come out of nowhere. I am still learning about what my triggers are.

I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve grown a lot. I don’t have all the answers and wish I could say a prayer so that all the pain will go away but I can only do so much. I rely on God to get me through, as He always had. He’s walked with me when I was bruised, crying and desperate. He never gave up on me! 

I’m one of His children that He wants so much for. Success.  Happiness.  A  good life.

The fairytale…

I’m grateful for all I have –

An adoring Husband. There are bumps here and there but nothing we can not endure or get through together. 

5 great kids- I miss my oldest Son terribly! I still pray someday we will have some sort of relationship. And my girls are still holding on to much of the anger and heartache that they have. This is a big struggle for all of us!

Farm with a old house attached.

Furry and feathered critters that bring me such joy to watch and tend to.

Despite our limited finances I was able to finally find a job and Terry is Mr. Mom! He has found great joy in being able to do so. 

We have a fridge of food.

A car that runs.

For the most part good health.

A safe place to live- My ex doesn’t know where we live as far as we know

We have money to get us by. It’s by no means a lot. (I can’t get my nails done or spurlge on a monthly hair cut) But it is all we need to help pay the bills and occasionally get a take out or a few DVD’s.

I still get to play with a glue gun and glitter!

I still have a fondness for antiques and hope to get a booth space soon.

I hope to have my Doula biz get going and the farm to take off with some things I dreamed up.

It’s not all perfect. I keep positive and try to focus on the good in my life. I could whine about my job being not quite what I want . My daughters have a real hard time with learning what “Normal” is and we argue often about authority, treating adults with respect and just doing what is asked (chores or helping around the house). Arguing about going to church or coping helping them try to deal with past memories (They want to forget and the repression comes out in bitterness and anger at various times). 

My health issues seem to change with the wind and I’m pretty uncomfortable every day physically and sometimes mentally. We live without any extra frills, yet I don’t feel I need to get my nails done or hair cut all the time. I don’t run out and get the newest clothes or accessories for us. I shop at resale shops and garage sales. You may find me even in a dumpster looking for some tossed treasure to re-purpose.I am in a much better place then you would have found me almost 4 years ago at the end of this month. 

I hope you find your fairytale! I hope you don’t give up in doing so! No matter what your dream of a fairytale or a happily ever after is, don’t give up! You can do it! I’m praying for you!

 *Not for the faint of heart on a side note*

I had a amazing moment when I realized I pooped for the third time today! I have been doing this for a few years now. I know gross right, TMI! Where am I going with this? Over 4 years ago I was lucky if I went once a week due to stress. I have become more regular in the past few years. But for some reason today it was amazing to me! I don't lose my hair anymore. No heart palpitations. No nervous twitching (unless I'm dealing with something related to my ex). YEA ME! Sorry I came home and had to tell Terry my epiphany, he just shook his head and listened. I'm a lucky girl! He has amazing patience and love. 

No more potty talk! I promise!

Victim and Survivor comments

I decided to feature victims or survivors on here. If you want to send in a story or comment please email me at hopewhentherewasnone@gmail.com.

Everyone has a story. Some have a bit of tragedy or sadness in they're lives that intertwines our paths together. Breaking the silence by coming open about your story. Your not alone! Your story maybe encouraging to someone that may need to hear they are not crazy or that they can move on.

I'm including comments from past blogs from victims, survivors and family of those loved ones trapped by DV.

I have decided to take my show on the road so to speak by coming out publicly to speak to others in need of encouragement and hope. And I finally made the decision to actually get a book written!
Update on us- I filed contempt charges for back payments of child support, non filing of arrears child support and lose of health insurance for the girls. There is still no way, without hiring a detective, that he is working for cash.

I have been receiving text messages over the past few days that are not mean spirited. They are small talk in a sense, as though we are having a conversation back and forth (I'm not texting him or replying back).

I'm unsure when the next court day is but I will keep ya posted!

Stay safe and remember you are a strong person, capable of wonderful things. It's not too late to start again. You can make it on your own. You can get through this! The road isn't easy but it's much better then where you are now. Believe in yourself. You may need to surround yourself with positive people and you may have to get rid of those in your life that bring you down.

Please keep us in your prayers for continued safety and strength. I appreciate every kind and sympathetic word written by everyone! Thank you!

Remember you can find me on FB as 
https://www.facebook.com/melinda.kunst.1
or hopewhentherewasnone


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Here are a few comments at the end of each is what blog the entry was from.


Keep these kind persons in your prayers as well... God bless...

That sounds a lot like my situation, I am sorry you had to endure that abuse and I am always here reading and praying for you. It is funny how the kids remember some of the things in the past, things you yourself don't want to remember. <3 on Like an open sore..

Even though my abuser is out of the house, I continue to have these kinds of feelings of dread and fear. Slowly, I connect these feelings to events that have happened and make changes where I can to reduce triggers and memories. on Living on the edge...

Any perspective would be helpful. In order for her to have contact with us, we all have to "act" and "treat" him as though nothing happened. We live, however, in constant fear that he will start again with the abuse. He's one of those you would call "charming, loved by everyone, quick-witted and very well-connected." on Your not worthless!

Anonymous

Thank you for your blog! Very courageous of you! Our daughter's husband began physically, verbally, emotionally, etc. abusing her very shortly after they married three years ago. Now she is pregnant. She appears to be happy and so does he. They now seem to be doing well, but we are always fearful of what may be happening behind closed doors. We can never know for sure that he has "changed." on Your not worthless!

Anonymous

I'm so happy that you receive encouragement from your readers, too! You have a wealth of information here that IS indeed helping others--even those who cannot tell you for whatever reason. Having a real life connection with a friend who has survived and is learning to thrive has been a huge help for me in learning that I can get out. Thank you! on Got bruises?

No bruises/blood, no protection/freedom. Scared. on Gaslight's- Sociopath mind games

I am dealing with the exact same thing with my ex-husband who I have two young children with. He is an extremely jealous and miserable person who hides his income so he won't have to pay us the child support he should, lies about anything and everything if it will benefit him, criticizes me and my family every chance he gets (even puts us down in front of the kids), constantly is trying to upset my family and I by his comments, harassment, and his dragging us to court over and over again so he can lie more to further reduce his child support payments and try to gain more parenting/visitation time. Now to make matters worse, we also have to deal with his crazy girlfriend who not only encourages my ex's outrageous behavior but participates in it and often instigates it! It is frustrating and exhausting. I beg everyone reading this to please, PLEASE keep your eyes wide open and pay attention to any red flags you notice in the early stages of a relationship (some good ones are listed on Text messages and my STBX

Broken hearts and dreams

It’s hard to imagine starting a new life once you have left your abuser. Your heart is shattered.

Your dreams of a long relationship lay scattered on the ground and you feel that your whole life is just a shambles! Mr/Ms Wonderful made promises of change. Or promises of a long life together.

What do you do now?

I’ve blogged about this in the past. Picking yourself up once you have left is a tough thing to do!

Honey! You’re preaching to the choir!

Look around you, over-looking the wet and dried tissues that are are all over the place. Wipe those eyes. Throw some water on your face and make a list.

Where do you want to go?

What do you want to do with your life?

How can you move on?

What will I do for money or a job?

What are your dreams?

Finding yourself again after a break-up is a tricky thing and toss in the fact that you left an abusive situation the mix may still seem like a scene taken from The Springer show. A “normal” separation is one that you divide up the kids, stuff and move on. With an abusive relationship the other partner may NOT want to let go.

He/she may continue to stalk you. He/she may continue to harass you by texting/emails. He/she may still try to hurt you by intimidation or further abuse (Verbal/Physical). It can be very hard to think of moving on with the continued drama.

You ask, “Seriously?! Woman what are you smoking!?”

You can do it! You can live a “NORMAL” life again.

You may have to break some habits created by the relationship(s) you were just in. Starting over is just that! Beginning again! Clean slate! 

Re-invent who and what you want to be! Take those questions from above and start planning your new life! What do you want out of life? Are you living your life or just going through the motions? What can you do now to make what you want with your life?

After you have answered those questions above, call it homework, then start purging everything!

Whether it be the relationships with others that maybe toxic in your life (Your Ex’s friends or family)

Clean up your home. 

Memories are attached to many things around you. 

Starting new (If you can afford it) can help. From the bed you and your partner slept in together to the digs you stay in.

What about the food you eat? Do eat things that are good for you? Is the food you’re eating something you really enjoy or something you just adapted?

Are there things you use to clean you only used because he/she wanted you to? Personally, after I left I realized how much I hated the smell of Febreze. And I wouldn’t use it again!

Or what about the TV shows you watch. It has been almost 4 years since I have watched “The Simpsons”. It is something I watched because of my ex. 

What about your clothes? Do they make you feel good? Are they you or what your ex liked to see you in?

What bad habits do you have? Party too much? Drinking? Drugs? Food? Sex?

What have you become addicted to doing because of your ex?

Your make up? Your Hair?

The list can go on and on! It is quite amazing when you reflect back at the things you have or do because it became routine with your ex.Take a serious look at your life then and now. Pick up the pieces of your life. Your worthy! You’re a Survivor! 

Take baby steps! You can do it!

Positive mantras!

DARE TO DREAM!

DREAM BIG!

I'm not a big resolution person but I do enjoy making goals for myself. I have a Bucket List (See labels) more of a life long list. This year I deciding to do a "Goal list". Small steps! Not biting off more then I can chew! Nothing more disappointing then creating a goal list or resolution and not completing it!

So! Whether you are in a Abusive situation of some sort or if you were able to leave (throw out) your abuser, make this the year for you to begin again!

DO SOMETHING!

BE AMAZING!

Do something new/old- Dust off your camera, craft supplies or whatever your passion lies.

Learn something- Whether you always wanted to learn Spanish or perhaps you may have to learn self defense.

Do things that make you happy!

Include your child(ren) or pet(s) in your endeavor!

PLAY! Don't lose sight of finding a time to unwind or just play!

Ditch FB or other social media or computer and live in the real world. I can honestly say I lose track of how much time I spend on here. (Pinterest is so dang addicting!) I miss out on family time by surfing. Even if it is for a half hour. Step away from the computer!

Remind yourself YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO!

Create the life you want.

Throw out the tissue, pick up the pieces to your life and live!

What did you do before Mr/Ms Wonderful (Sarcasm) entered your life?

I am not advising party life. I've heard too many stories about survivors ending up back in the cycle of abuse because of someone they picked up at a bar or party. (Not always but this is my opinion due to others I've heard about and chatted with)

Surround yourself with those that will lift you up, encourage you and bring you happiness. Ditch the ones that cause you grief or craziness to your life.

Stand up for yourself, if need be with your ex's family and friends or your ex!

Don't give up! Stop making excuses for pushing it off!

Now I know your wondering what's on my list! Well, if your not I'm posting it anyway! BIG SMILE!

Read my Bible- At least 1 chapter a day- 1 book of the Bible a week
Pray more often- Get a prayer journal or notebook
Spend more time with my Love
More 1 on 1 time with my Lil' Squeezes
Play! Family game night
Read my daughter's stories
Exercise (3 to 5 times a week) Trouble right now since my back is out
Drop 10 lbs
Practice Self Defense
Practice shooting (my gun~ I do have a permit and need this for in case my ex comes too close)
Learn Archery
Learn to fish (I hate worms so this will be a big thing for me!)
Learn to gut something we catch
Rent a antique spot for all of my cool stuff!
Buy some storage units
Plan our garden
Order seeds
Order Bee's/Take Bee class first! (See a Dr about an Epi pen in case :) )
Order Buck-eye chicks
Order Lamb (s) *See my friends Mom about raising and other things
Take lots more family pictures!
Craft more! Finish my PH D (Projects Half Done)/Sew clothing! Finish crocheting my blanket!(A lady from church has been teaching me the stitches!
Take a First Aid course
Create a new vision board
Plan my Mom's herb garden
Tape my family history (Grandma)
ACTUALLY read books off my growing bookshelves and sell after I read or just sell others
Write my story!
Make Cheese/Yogurt
Pay off- Kids school book fee's/ Pay something on my student loan (Medical Assistant that I still didn't find a job doing~ GRRFACE!)
Do something off my Big Bucket list!
Learn electrical and woodworking!
Camp out side with the wee monkey (in the yard)

It seems kind of intimidating but these things are do-able!

Research whatever it is if you are unsure. Whether it's opening a business for the first time or leaving your abuser. It takes patience, planning and courage. You can do it! I'm cheering for you! Don't give up!

BIG HUGS
and
PRAYERS
on wherever your journey takes you!